A misconception about the female anatomy held by several female b3tans
When I went to the August QOTW Bash, I realised a shocking truth. Someone brought an etch-a-sketch along to the bash. After becoming fed up of drawing the male anatomy (in a somewhat crude fashion), we went on to ladies bits. Apparently, many female b3tans haven't looked at themselves in the mirror naked! The line separating the legs goes all the way up to the hairy bit, and does not stop before, unlike the 'diagrams' drawn by the good ladyfolk of b3ta.

If it did, it would mean that there would be a flap of skin joining the two legs right at the top. When sitting down to wee, instead of going down into the bowl, a puddle would form on this flap of skin before falling down like a waterfall when the 'mini lake' would overflow.

Width? This flap of skin would also make it harder to spread the legs.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Thu 2 Oct 2008, 16:11, Reply)

My Sex Misconception
As a kid I thought secks were what posh people got their coal in...
( uberdeity Wondered why Owen Lars knew of the term "hell" on, Thu 2 Oct 2008, 15:45, Reply)

The b3ta soap opera
oops, well I went out shopping. Who'd have thought I'd get an actual b3ta lady with an actual (or at least apparent) interest?

I gazzed her, a quick one, no commitments made (no not like that you dirty fools).

Next week/later this afternoon: what she may or may not have said in reply.
(Stu Moo winner of five nobble piece prizes, Thu 2 Oct 2008, 15:22, 57 replies)

My Greatest Sexual Misconception...
...is when I was a kid, my mum and dad telling me that my winky would grow bigger.

25 years later, and it hasn't grown by so much as a micron.

I have to wank with the tines of a fork for fuck's sake. I can't even make a mouse groan.
(powervator and NONE SHALL PASS, Thu 2 Oct 2008, 15:15, Reply)

Someone once told me....
...that if a couple puts a penny in a jar every time they have sex before marriage, and then remove a penny from the jar every time they have sex after marriage, the jar will never be empty.

I thought he was joking. :-o
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Thu 2 Oct 2008, 15:07, 2 replies)

Onanism!
My dad told me that too much wanking would lead to blindness and poor hand eye co-ordination.

20 years later.

ge night jave neen right
(smells-like-victory-v's, Thu 2 Oct 2008, 14:51, Reply)

A quickie to round off the QOTW
An ex colleague of mine was somewhat startled when her eleven year old son came home from school one afternoon and announced "Mummy, what's masturbation? We're doing a project on it at school this week".

She was a tad taken aback, schools these days tackle issues head on don't they? She gulped on her coffee, sat her son down and explained everything in a mature and responsible manner.

"But mummy, there's something I don't understand?" asked the boy.

"How does that help you chew your food?"
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Thu 2 Oct 2008, 14:50, 1 reply)

So I went to my Dad…

And said: “Dad - what’s ‘sex”

He rolled his eyes and explained everything in full, dirty….mmm….graphic, filthy detail.

He then said ‘Why do you ask?”

I replied: “Because mum told me to tell you your dinner is ready in a couple of secs”

/coat /here all week...try the veal etc.
(Mr Twisty Cheeky The worst kept secret in B3ta..., Thu 2 Oct 2008, 14:38, 4 replies)

I suppose I'll jump on the bandwagon...
I was speaking to a rodent the other day, and he was telling me about his time in jail.

He said about how dreadful it was, and even when you came out, the other rodents didn't treat you fairly, they put all the former prisoner rodents in a ghetto-esque system. To make matters worse, this was all done at Christmas, no less! It was deplorable, this was called the:

Mice Xmas Con Section

BOOM BOOM!

ed:Sorry forgot an important part of this illustrious tale...
(The Kwyjibo A big, dumb, balding North American ape., Thu 2 Oct 2008, 14:26, Reply)

Apollogies - Pea roast
Getting married for sex ...
... is like buying a 747 for the complementary peanuts.

I wish some f**ker had told me this before I did. Then she went Ryanair on me and was too tired and just wanted to cuddle. She didn't like it when I started flying with other carriers!

Length - don't care so long as there is enough leg room.
(Biff..., Thu 2 Oct 2008, 14:02, 4 replies)

Even I'm ashamed this time.
When I was around eight my mother decided it was time for me to learn about the birds and the bees, and to aid her lesson she decided to make some models so as to point out the various bits and pieces more clearly to me. Being a bit of a master baker (fnar) she used corn flour and beaten eggs to make a thick dough, then carefully sculpted two figures, one male and one female. After an hour in the oven, the male figure had risen perfectly (chortle) but for some reason runny, uncooked dought had burst forth from the crotch of the female.

The lesson obviously had to be abandoned, due to the sloppy maize/egg mix cunt section.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Thu 2 Oct 2008, 13:31, 7 replies)

*STOP PRESS*
Scientists have today discovered a substance that decreases a womans libido by a whopping 90%....



....its called wedding cake.





And I thought it was a joke :(
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Thu 2 Oct 2008, 13:08, 1 reply)

It was my misconception that
this chap

would have a girlfriend at age 22 :-(
(Stu Moo winner of five nobble piece prizes, Thu 2 Oct 2008, 13:06, 38 replies)

I was bought up
to be a nice, polite and honest person, this was impressed into me by my parents and the occasional application of a cane. Obviously being polite, earnest, honest and nice would have the women lined up outside my house.

well they do.

only they are all friends, whining about when they date any man who is clearly obvious to all and sundry an utter bastard they get messed around.

"Ooh but he's got a bit of danger about him" they say when drooling over some hunk belittling someone for general pleasure

"the wanker keeps slapping my arse, telling his friends about what we get up to, calling me bird and never replies to my texts" they bleat three weeks later.

Arrrgh. I am utterly incapable of that alpha male bullshit, but why oh why do women date utter cunts and then complain about him being an utter cunt?
(Halfy By light alone, Thu 2 Oct 2008, 12:40, 22 replies)

herpes
The ex from here www.b3ta.com/questions/wehavetotalk/post77085 was confused as to how she got herpes.

It wasn't me, our sex life was already pretty much non-existent and died completely as soon as she found out. She must have got it from a toilet seat or something or so she thought - I think she'd been shagging someone with a manky willy (again, not me!)

EDIT: Tests were done for any nastiness when 1st nipper was expected and came back all clear and same for the 2nd so DEFINATELY wasn't me.
( SpikeyPickle wishes he was mabazaritchie, Thu 2 Oct 2008, 12:06, 3 replies)

The Female Sex Drive
There is often a misconception that women don't like sex or at least don't like it as much as men or want it as often as men.

This is a hang over from earlier misogynistic times when female sexuality was to be feared....similar to seeing a gang of women out on a hen night.

Men and women are not that different when it comes to sex - it's just that their needs and desires often happen at different stages in their lives.

As I'm female I can only talk for my own sex, so here's pretty much how it was for me...

Aged approx. 10

Ooh...boys. I wonder what it would be like to kiss one?

Aged approx. 13-14

All my mates have got off* with loads of boys - they all say so and I haven't got a boyfriend. At least I've still got Simon Le Bon (yes, I know I'm showing my age here...)

Aged 15

First boyfriend. Lots of kissing.
Second month of relationship - above waist touching. OMG!
The relationship continued for another eight months....it became centred entirely around how far we could go without having proper sex.

Aged 16 - 25

I want to have as much sex as possible.
But I don't want to get pregnant! Therefore I'll have to avoid sex and only be involved with men I love.

Aged 25 - mid thirties depending on individual women's circumstances

Babies. Babies. Babies. Babies.

I WANT A BABY!

This is not always the case - some women don't get this entirely hormonally and genetically driven craving.

During the 30s - or sometimes later, again depending on the woman

Sod babies. I want sex, wine and chocolate.
Preferably in that order.

Or maybe just sex, sex, wine, sex, more wine, sex, chocolate.

Aged 40+ I'm relying on anecdotal evidence here from older friends....

SEX! Anyway you can get it.


So here's the thing...women do want as much sex as men, it just varies when they want it.

Most women once they hit their mid thirties suddenly discover they have the libido of a teenage boy. It is also often at this age that women find they tend to wear out the following...

men

battery operated toys

Often they will resort to far younger men - partly for the novelty, partly for the thrill of pulling a man who hasn't heard of The Banana Splits.



I could go into a rant about how younger men are better because they take care of themselves physically....but that wouldn't be true.

Some people male and female, take greater care over their appearance - go to the gym, watch what they eat, generally make themselves more appealing to everyone. It's very much regardless of age.



All that said, a pretty body doesn't make a good lover.

And a cute face doesn't guarantee healthy trouser proportions...but being fit does at least ensure they shouldn't have a heart attack on top of you.





*kissed/snogged/necked with
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Thu 2 Oct 2008, 11:16, 42 replies)

Male ejaculation
In my early teens, I thought that the man had to do something in order to pass white water instead of yellow water. I soon learned that this happened automatically under the right circumstances (when this happened).

Length? Multifunctional.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Thu 2 Oct 2008, 10:45, Reply)

Thinking that ‘sexism’ only applied to women…

After University, I went for a Postgraduate MSc Degree in Microsystems Engineering (you can read about it here)


When signing up for the course, the admin lickspittle glared at me and muttered:

“Name?”

With a cheery smile, I proudly proclaimed: “Mr P Flake, at your service”

“Sorry,” the pen-pushing spunk-sack replied: “But I’m afraid this course is only available to women of non-clarified marital status”

“What the blithering haemorrhoid cakes do you mean by THAT?” I enquired in disbelief.

“It means”, he continued, “that due to recently raised political correctness issues, this course is now strictly for females – and they aren’t allowed to say whether they are married or not because it might infringe their human rights further and cause excess stress due to oppressive prejudice. But I’ll tell you what, if you pop on a dress, we can…ahem…’fit you in’ as it were…”

At this point he smirked and winked.

“Mmmf” I mumbled…and staggered out of the place, shaking my fist and vowing to take the matter further.

On deeper investigation, I discovered that the whole thing was a swizz! This ‘new found ideology’ was fuck all to do with equality, but more to do with a recent big-money contract that the university had taken with a well-known printer manufacturers. The uni had vowed to stick to the company’s strict employment policy, but were taking on anybody they felt like just to get free printers and ink – what cunts!

Well, I took the story to the press, and I admit that I did feel some pride when I saw the headline on the front page of a national newspaper:

…

'Misec’s ‘Ms’ Cons Epsons'.




come on…you didn’t think I’d go the whole week without a shit pun did you?…

despite how many of you begged me to…
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Thu 2 Oct 2008, 10:37, 6 replies)

Exposure to a girl's 'downstairs' at an early age
Aged 3 in kindergarten, all the little kindergarteners would queue up in the toilet to have a piss. There was only one toilet, so having sex-segregated toilets was not a viable option. We did not queue up outside the toilet, but in the toilet. This meant you got to see who had what and what they were doing with it.

Inevitably, I got to see a few girls having a piss. Firstly, I noticed that instead of a penis, there was just a blank area of skin (a bit like a Barbie doll). Secondly, they always sat down, even if they were just having a piss. So I soon came to the conclusion that girls weed out their bumhole and had only one hole (I would not learn about the thing about babies until I was much older (or maybe I did sort of know about it and thought the willy had been closed down to make room for babies) ).

Having up until now only seen my own and other's penises, I thought this was a bit odd. Either the penis was an added extension to make it possible to pee standing up, or girls had had it closed down, removed and blocked up with skin (a bit like how a disused window would be bricked up or a disused fireplace would be boarded up) to make going to the toilet more efficient (they could do #1 and #2 at the same time and would never have to do #1 differently if #2 needed to be done as well). As I was using my own anatomy for reference, my 3 year old mind assumed the willy was taken away and not an addition.

And this is why you shouldn't expose kids at such young age to the unmentionables of the far-side. Given a lack of knowledge and an embarrassment when it comes to asking questions, the stuff they make up to explain things can lead to all sorts of strange ideas... on second thoughts, perhaps this could be a stimulus for cultivating creativity...

Incidentally, this was when I noticed that boys and girls were different. At first, I just memorised who was bearing what in their underpants, but as this went on, I started to recognise a pattern or two (e.g. girls generally had longer hair than boys, but there were some exceptions).

Length? Inversely proportional to hair length (or so I thought back then).
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Thu 2 Oct 2008, 10:33, Reply)

Not myself...
...but a poor innocent year 7 when I was at school. A form teacher I once had taught biology, including Sex Ed to (usually fairly) unwitting 11- and 12-year olds.

One day she came giggling into registration, barely able to contain herself over a particularly risible session involving separate petri dishes containing fish eggs and fish sperm (don't ask me why, I never got such sex 'education'):

Pupil: Miss, what if some of the fish sperm...got inside of me?

Biology Teacher: Well, you'd start growing a baby mermaid in your tummy, but they'd have to give you a caesarian otherwise its tail would cut you on the way out.

Pupil: *wide-eyed, pale-faced silence*


Click 'I like this' if you think I should google her to find out whether she's still allowed near 11-year-old girls.
(stannum, Thu 2 Oct 2008, 9:54, Reply)

When I was little
I found a torch in my mum's drawer.
I couldn't figure out where the bulb and lens were and thought I'd broken it when it started whirring when I switched it on.
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Thu 2 Oct 2008, 8:52, 1 reply)

Aural sex
There was the poor kid when we were 14 who we convinced that you could make yourself orgasm by flicking your ear repeatedly, something he then did for 12 straight minutes.
(Bonedwarf is the size of a lemon, Thu 2 Oct 2008, 6:57, 1 reply)

Its late in the day.
I have a History test tomorrow that I cant be arsed to revise for and I am looking for a distraction. Woo, I'll post here.

Back in the throws of 2001 the day after 9/11 to be precise. I was a sweet innocent 16 year old virgin Bam Bam. I had recently become attached formally to a young lady, whom I went to army cadets with. We had been together some weeks and had been indulging in various stages of nakedness, without ever having my hoo hoo dilly actually penetrating her cha cha.

Anyway one day as per usual for a school day, she came back to mine and we departed for my bedroom. We watched a little TV, maybe played a little PlayStation, did our homework... Pfft yeah right, we snogged with dribbley wet tongues and got naked as was standard and fondled each other's intimate bits.

Somehow the gods were smiling on me that day and for some reason she ended up on her hands and knees in front of me, while I put all manner of body parts in her that were not my johnson. Things were looking good. I had attempted to breach the pink castle gate with my beef battering ram several times only to be repelled by the armies of her teenage nervousness, yet here I was rubbing my stupidly over excited member on her lady bits suggestively and hopefully.

'It wont fit' She said fairly confidently.

'Yeah it will' I replied knowing apart from the fact vaginas are designed to accommodate penises; she wasn't exactly going to clip any cigars with that thing,* even as a 15 year old virgin lass (Yes I am technically a paedo). Also I'm not exactly in the John Holmes department in the man meat butcher shop.

'No it wont, its too tight' She insisted again. Who did she think she was kidding!

'Ok then can I try it?' I asked tentatively, my knees shaking and my palms sweating.

'Ok'

I didn't need asking twice, I tried to push my member into her lady bits but was foiled by my old chap having second thoughts. SHIT SHIT SHIT! Come on! I gave him a little rub got the blood in the right spots again and went for a second try. SHIT SHIT SHIT! She is dry as a bone now! A quick application of spittle (god I am an amazing lover) and we're ready for the off. I wiggle the ol'fella about working him in, adjusting my angles like a doctor performing open heart surgery. Finally all is right and... push! *slight queef* I'm in.

There was a stunned silence for a second.

'Shall we finish?' I ask.

'Erm... Ok, might as well'

SUCCESS!

15 seconds later I had lost my V plates and successfully debunked the misconception that it wouldn't fit.

*At that stage my reference was solely porn, but I later discovered by expanding my spank bank and having a mini reunion with the ex, she has what is technically known as; 'a huge fanny'. A wizards yawn or a hippo's sleeve if you will.
(Bam Bam McPenis will change all this when he is fuhrer., Thu 2 Oct 2008, 6:19, 2 replies)

I live in San Francisco
which is the sexual-liberation capital of the United States, so a lot of this might just be down to living here and being the kind of person who was drawn to moving here. (No, I'm not gay.)

Any man who enjoys ass play must be gay. (Discovered to be a misconception when I realized that I was fantasizing about having butt sex with Halle Berry, Bettie Page, and the ridiculously adorable girls who lived a few floors down from me instead of Rupert Everett, Ashton Kutcher, and my RA. (Although, to be perfectly honest, I might still do Ashton as long as I got a chance to play with Demi as well. MILF with a capital everything, and he's not half bad either.) In any event, gents, it's something to look into if you're interested in something more involved than your usual Jodrell Bank.)

Straight, gay, and bi are the only options. (A lot of folks--including me, I think--are "heteroflexible." They're men mostly interested in women or women mostly interested in men, but will still suck some cock or eat some pussy under the right circumstances, which usually involve being with a primary opposite-sex partner at the time as well. I've never had a threesome, but I hope to soon. Alas, Demi and Ashton aren't returning my calls.)

You can't fit more than two fingers into a woman's vagina. (Early in my sexual career, I had a GF who enjoyed getting fisted, and to this day I've been proud of my abilities in the hand-sex department, regardless of how many fingers were in use. Gloves and lube, folks!)

K-Y is the only lube available (well, maybe Astroglide if you're kinky), and it's only of use if your partner is an old, dried-up slut. (NO NO NO! I've always used lube even with my wettest partners, many of whom were older than me (and I'm only 28).)

Cooking is for submissive '50s women. (I once had a GF who physically shook when I fed her chocolate, although that was a takeaway from a restaurant we ate at earlier that evening. The point is that success in the kitchen can lead to success in the bedroom. Don't lean too much on the heavy sauces and such--you're hoping to be physically active afterwards, right?)

Women don't enjoy anal sex--"a maiden before and a martyr behind," I believe, is the phrase. (I've had a few GFs who liked anal, and one who couldn't come without some butt play. (Men like it because of their prostates, women like it because the part of the clit you see isn't the man in the boat, it's the man's head, and his legs straddle the rectum.) For those who doubt this, I have three things to say: plastic is good (wear gloves or use a condom), be VERY generous with the lube, and go slowly! Start with a finger--just playing with the outside of the anus, not penetrating--and don't have goals beyond having a good time.)

Virgins are better. (Let's say you really like chess. Would you rather play against someone who still needs to be reminded how the pawns capture, or someone with a little experience under their belt?)

Things like tying your partners up and dripping hot wax on them are strictly for perverted freaks who won't live to see the age of 40. (Well, maybe I'm a perverted freak, and it'll take a little over a decade to find out about the death part, but I'm virtually certain it won't be from tying people up or being tied up. As long as you have half a brain in your head and bother to use it, there's no reason it needs to be dangerous. In fact, it can be quite a lot of fun. :-D )

Men don't like snuggling. (Post-sex cuddles are the BEST. 100% fact. I am a huge cuddleslut and make no apologies for it.)

Condoms are only for protecting against pregnancy. (They also protect against most STDs, which is why they're important even for gay blokes, and they make cleaning sex toys SO much easier. Peel it off, stick it in the bin, and maybe wash it with soap and water; job's done.)

If you love someone, you should commit to only having sex with them and nobody else for the rest of your life. (What's more important? That your partner isn't having sex with anyone else or that most of the time, when your partner does have sex, it's with you? (Regardless of whether there are other people about, or as long as they consent, have their genitals in their mouth.) Q.v. The Ethical Slut.)

Orgasms are the goal and most important part of sex. (It takes me a long while to come (as it did the GF from a few grafs ago), and I've had quite a lot of amazing sex without orgasms.)

Penis-in-vagina sex is the main event, and anything else is a distraction. (As lovely as penis-in-vagina sex is, there are excellent points to be made in the favor of penis-on-vulva, penis-in-mouth, mouth-on-vulva, penis-in-hand, hand-on-vulva, hand-in-vagina, penis-in-rectum, hand-on-anus, and hand-in-rectum sex, as well as mouth-on-anus, penis-on-penis, and vulva-on-vulva, although I only know those last three from reports. The point is: be inventive! It's like going to the buffet and only eating macaroni and cheese! There's a whole world of sexual stimulation out there; you need only to find it. Don't worry if it's not your thing, as something will come along later that is. And if it wasn't your thing before but you're curious about it, try it again--it just might be that you weren't with the right partner or in the right place to experience that sexually. (Oddly enough, this applies to food as well. No, I don't mean having sex with cucumbers or melons, you filthy bastards.))

Shaved pubic hair is hot. (For about an hour and a half; then itchy, bristly stubble comes up and irritates hell out of you and your partner. I've found trimming it back to a half-inch or so to be the best option.)

It is never proper to masturbate with other people around. (Sure, you shouldn't whip it out on a crowded train in the middle of the city, but my best wanks have always been with a special lady watching me. Once I even hit the wall at the head of the bed. (ok, no more bragging))

Porn always involves close-up shots of the genitals. (Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Beautiful Agony, a site filled with videos of sexy people having orgasms, all shot from the shoulders up. Virtually everyone who digs porn to whom I have shown this has gotten the raging horn thereafter.)

Short-haired, androgynous, pierced, tattooed women are always lesbians. (True, many are, but the ones who aren't tend to be outstanding shags and even better pillow talk. Although this might simply be playing to my fetishes.)

Finally: do your Kegels! The women who did have uniformly been better in bed than the ones who didn't, which I think is equal parts better muscle tone and better awareness of the genitals, if not more of the latter. You're not off the hook either, guys--you can have more and better orgasms that way.

Argh, now I'm all horny. Any sexy b3tans in the San Francisco area feel the same way? Gaz me (and where did that word, in the sense of "send a message to," come from, by the way? Is this just a UK thing?), we may be able to figure something out.

(Hey, you don't get anywhere without optimism . . .)

Perhaps surprisingly after how candid I've been, I feel that a length joke would be in poor taste, but I'll put in a *pop!* for my b3ta cherry. Cheers.

(Edit: Also, if you want something that you're not getting in your current relationship, whether sexual or not, ask! If you don't ask, you don't get; it's as simple as that.)
(callombard, Thu 2 Oct 2008, 4:30, 22 replies)

nuns mean business.
Learned everything I needed to know about sex from my mother's books about raising girlchildren and from that old bastion of factuality, the internet.

Let's just say, it left something to be desired.

/nonsexual
:: still slightly put out that she does not, in fact, get a special moon ritual under the stars just because she occasionally and involuntarily manifests physical characteristics of fertility ::

Oh, and my actual sex ed class was given by nuns. Shiver. My biggest misconception? That they must have been wrong.
(Anvilicious, Thu 2 Oct 2008, 4:17, 1 reply)

I was under the impression you didn't get PMT on the pill
Tonight, so far, I have eaten:

- Half a tin of baked beans with pork sausages
- Cake
- Dinner (trout and veg)
- Half a packet of bourbon biscuits
- Half a big bag of Doritos
- A lump of cheese
- A glass of fruit juice
- More cheese
- More fruit juice
- I just stopped myself opening a jar of salsa and eating it with celery (?!)
- Half a large bar of chocolate
- A mug of hot chocolate

Seriously, what is up with my hormones tonight?! And no "Maybe you're pregnant" jokes, I am willing to bite someone's head off. Grrr. *Looks threatening*
(Petite chien is going to do science to it, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 23:24, 23 replies)

Not my misconception, but my kids'
Some years ago at a car boot sale I bought a box of interesting bits (corkscrew, penknife, coloured chalks etc) which turned out to also contain a pack of nobbly heavy-duty ribbed condoms.

Fine, I thought, waste not want not, they'll come in useful one day. For something.

Time passed. My big dog, climbing over a metal fence, cut his paw badly and needed several stitches.

The vet warned me sternly not to let the dressing get wet. I hit on the brilliant idea of using one of the conveniently strong condoms for this, with a sock taped on over the top to protect it.

Seizing the chance of an ad hoc sex education lesson, I gathered the 4 kids, aged 11-16, around me and proceeded to demonstrate the correct way to unwrap and roll on a condom.

They stared in respectful silence, then the youngest spoke for them all.

'OK Ma, so when we want to stop babies coming, we unroll a condom and put it on the dog's foot?'



I think they'd already covered it at school.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 21:33, Reply)