The front bum
I used to think a lady's front bum was a bum. On the front.

I know, I know...why the eff did I think that?
(Fuiru Sting, where is thy death?, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 23:30, 2 replies)

Lick a dick a day...
When I was 5, there was this thing going round my school where kids would ask each other "Do you lick a dick a day". Not knowing that dick was just a nickname for the penis, I went home to ask my mum what a dick was, "Why?" she replied back to me,
"Because Dane asked me today if I lick a dick a day" I told her innocently.
"Oh dick is another word for lollipop".

Next day in the school playground at lunch; "Madly, do you lick a dick a day?"
"No but I'd like to."

13 years on, and I still havn't lived that one down.
(Madlyinsane, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 23:30, 3 replies)

Mood killers - part 2
From when I actually did lose my virginity:

Me: "woah....is it in?"
Her: "Yep."
Me: "So I'm not a virgin any more?"
Her: "Nope"
Me: "Cool!"
Her: "Could you shut up and fuck me now please?"

I am also the only person, in the world, ever, who after losing his virginity, has managed to thwump his head on the underside of a digital piano in getting up afterwards. Which is what happens when you do it on the kitchen floor. Under a digital piano.
(GONEism, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 23:24, 2 replies)

Misconception...
I knew that the male g-spot was situated in the arse.

I figured that the females was also.

I found out two things the night I shoved my finger up my first girlfriends arse whilst she was riding me:

One - The female g-spot is not up her arse.
Two - Have the decency to tell a girl, or at least warn her before you insert an unlubricated finger as she is about to orgasm.
(beatpig understands subliminalesbianmessagaying., Thu 25 Sep 2008, 23:22, 1 reply)

When I was younger, lesbians confused me.
My theory went as follows:
When straight couples have sex, penis goes in fanny
When gay men have sex, penis has to go in bumhole 'cause men don't have a fanny.
BUT lesbians don't have a penis! So what did they use? Well, there's only a few parts of a woman that 'stick out', so the only logical thing I could come up with was that lesbians had sex by one of them shoving their nose up the other one. The only lady I knew who was a lesbian had a big nose, so this made perfect sense. I went on believing this for a good 4 or so years.

The way I found out about strap-ons, dildos etc.? I inquisitively asked about lesbians over a game of trivial pursuit one Christmas. My grandmother told me, very openly, while drunk, about everything I could possibly ever want to know, and then some. And my parents just sat back, nodding occasionally. I'm surprised I haven't repressed that memory. Help me.
(The Oscillating Gibbon is eating curried squid, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 22:54, 5 replies)

French Kissing
When 'French kissing in the USA' by Debbie Harry was in the charts (1986 kids!) no one at my school knew what it meant. We knew it was rude, cos it was a special type of kiss, but that was all.

Until the rumour spread that it was when a woman spread the man's spunk round her mouth, and the man spread the ladies period* round his mouth and then they kissed with open mouths so that they could breathe at each other.

Made perfect sense.



*at this stage, we only knew of one possible fluid that a woman's fanny could make
( mictoboy shitting in your cunt since, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 22:11, 8 replies)

don't try this at home, kids
I think it's in the Japanese film Ai No Corrida (In the Realm of Senses) the woman inserts a hard boiled egg into herself and then squats to "lay it".

I've never tried this. Recreating the supposedly sexy raw egg scene from Tampopo was sufficiently weird, embarrasssing and amusing.

However my sister used to work in A&E and said that they get a large number of people coming in having lost food and other objects up themselves.
( kitsune-tsuki tankeløst hode får lettest sove, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 22:03, 1 reply)

Mistook overies for testicles
well, they looked sort of the same in the picture in the "about your body" book. For some time I was convinced that the whole ball came out and that's why couples generally had two children. If you had more than two then they must be step kids, my tiny logical mind reasoned.
( buffet_the_appetite_slayer ٩(●̮̃•)۶ jacked in to the ICE on, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 22:01, Reply)

makes sense
some kid at school convinced everyone that:-

a) gay men fucked each other up the arse
b) but a homosexual shoved his own cock up his arse

yeah, yeah, i actually knew that, yeah
(Darth Vodka, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 21:59, Reply)

"Urgh willies are gross, I'd never touch one!"
What the HELL was I thinking!?
(reducedfatLOLcat, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 21:55, Reply)

yeah
You see i thought that when girls went down
on you/ tossed you off you would actually come,
wow try telling *him* that

spose im lucky i don't have the *other* problem
(kristofski6992, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 21:37, Reply)

Mmmmmm......Porn
I found and watched my first grumbleflick when I was about 10. Two years later in sex education we had a written test at the end of the course, and I scored the highest with 94%. The moral of this story: to prevent misconceptions about sex, expose your children to pornography. Just not too early as you'll get arrested.
(mcnelson, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 21:32, 3 replies)

Oh dear. Now it all comes back to me.
Closer to 40 years ago than I like to think, when I was about two years old, I asked my Mum what my testicles were for.

In a spirit of open information-providing, my dear Mum tells me that when I get older things like small insects will come from them and be used to make babies.

For years (YEARS!) after that I had a nagging fear that I had blackfly in my scrotum.
(uncle whippity, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 21:25, 2 replies)

Imagine his surprise . . .
Back in the olden days here in Oierland folk were so shit scared of sex and the local priest that it was common for people to wait until after marriage before they would finally get to have a good old rummage around another persons body and find out all the mysteries the opposite gender has been concealing from them all those years.

Well in this context imagine my friends Dads surprise when while lying beside his new bride in the bed and post the popes blessing she let out a most massive and unignorable fart.

Up until this point the poor fellow firmly believed in as much as the sky was blue and the day was long that ladies did not fart.

Length - About 2 minutes before the local Priest was called to find out if this was kosher or if the woman was in fact possessed.
(The Cats Twat, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 21:24, 2 replies)

When I was 15, my 6 year old brother told me he knew what sex was.
I asked him and he said "it's when a man and a woman touch willies together".

It appears he was almost right
( Dixipoos Bye Bye Blackbird, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 21:00, Reply)

urgh
I was mentally suppressing this until just a moment ago. Thanks a lot. When I was about 13, my dad came home drunk late one night and decided it was time for "the talk". It would have amazed him to learn that I already knew quite a bit about it, most of my information being gleaned from his substantial collection of porn mags and videos but I didn't want to break the old man's heart and let him carry on trying to explain it. I won't go into great detail but it involved some grotesque parody of a sex-ed lesson, one of the highlights being "the man in the boat" and how women can have cocks too if you know where to look. I thought, with much mirth at the time, he was obviously talking about the clitoris, turns out not to be the case and after about half an hour of chat about "cream and foamy cocks" I faked a yawn and told him we should continue some other time. He got the hint and stumbled out, still muttering nonsensicle phrases to himself. As I drifted off chuckling I wondered if he'd been into she-males and gotten the wrong idea... then I felt a little sick.

Yes, I'm ashamed to admit it, at 13, I already knew more about sex than my own father. How I was even conceived I'll never fathom.
(Suddenly, zebras Safe and sound for eternity, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 20:58, 3 replies)

The first time I had sex
I thought my girlfriend had broken my penis.

I didn't realise that the foreskin was meant to roll ALL the way back over the head. I thought it was stuck and I was going to get cockrot.
(Half of Stephen Fry's right buttock pissed on your dog on, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 20:55, 6 replies)

dead
just remembered this.

when i lost my virginity at 16 i thought i'd killed my boyfriend at the time.
he just suddenly stopped and put his head on my chest and was very very still. so i was like "what's wrong?"
he just said "i can't carry on"
so me being all naive went "Ohmygod are you alright? are you ok what happened why?"

it took 10 minutes of explanation on what actually happens that would make him unable to carry on before i understood.

i blame catholic school... all i got taught was if i had sex before i was married i was going to hell... and that i'd probably catch an STD and die.

.
(i eat crayons, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 20:47, Reply)

until i was about 6-7ish i thought babies came out of a ladies bumhole

( monstrinho do biscoito teeeshurts = www.nogunarmy.com, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 20:39, 1 reply)

men have testicles?
not me but my sister.
when she was 11 her class watched a video about puberty and how their bodies were going to change.
my sister came home that night and was telling us all about it when we were watching tv
and then she turned to my dad and said

"daddy the boy on the video had balls down there. i didn't know men had balls, do you have those too daddy?"

also another one.
my youngest cousin is 11 and recently watched a similar video. i was at their house to drop off some dvds when i heard her shouting from the bathroom.

"MUUUUM! MUUUM COME LOOK!!!"
so my auntie went into the bathroom then i heard another shout
"I'VE GOT A PUBLIC HAIR LOOK MUM!!"


.
(i eat crayons, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 20:37, Reply)

Blowjobs!
As a young girl I couldn't for the life of me figure out how huffing and puffing wind at a penis could be arousing.. I was horrified once I found out you actually had to touch it.
(froyo, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 20:37, 2 replies)

I used to think sex was illegal.
And so, was horrified when I was modestly hiding my 4 year old genitalia from my Grandma and was told "Oh, I've seen it all before!"

It never occurred to me that she would have seen it on her son, my brother, my cousins or myself as a baby. So, that must have meant she'd seen my Grandad's willy! Shock horror!

I was terrified she was going to get arrested.
(littlenipple hate's bad grammar, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 20:36, Reply)

Misconception
Due to my conservation Christian up-bringing I used to believe sex was a *bad* thing!

How silly did I feel when I found out!
(ComplexStuff Was confused by life on, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 20:32, Reply)

When I was about 7...
...my parents asked me 'Do you know what sex is?'

'Yes! I do! It's when you put your willy up a girl's bottom and pee!" I exclaimed with a huge grin on my face.
(Half of Stephen Fry's right buttock pissed on your dog on, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 20:31, 4 replies)

The innocence of youth
We got to talking about sex, as you do at the inquisitive age of 10 and not quite up to speed on such things. But even I knew something was amiss when one boy, Alan, mentioned that only girls have orgasms, when we all laughed and said he was off his rocker, he insisted and that any man who "orgasmed" was quite obviously gay. There was a fellow in our year who claimed to be quite knowledgeable about such dealings so we all trooped off to find him and asked what exactly an orgasm was and to explain it to Alan. He remarked "oh duh, it's when you're having a wank and end up peeing instead."

Argument over.
(Suddenly, zebras Safe and sound for eternity, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 20:25, 3 replies)

wen I was a young Warthog
When Heeee was a young waaarthooooooogggg.

Thank you timon.

I was 6 and a parenting magazine had brought out a supplement to explain tings to kids easy. I was getting out the bath when My sister burst in, " I know how babies are made!! the man sticks his willy inside the girls fanny."

I was 6 and not caring for girls so I promptly told her to "Fuck off."

Only later did I discover the joys of wanking and then discovered a white liquid which apparently smells of skip.
(Bluffboy South Africa! World Champions!!!, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 20:18, 5 replies)

When I was three...
...I walked into my parent's room, and proudly excalimed to my Mum, "Look Mummy! It's got a bone in it!"

She would kindly recount this tale to every new girlfriend thereafter.



Length? It had grown a lot bigger since I was three.
(CdrVimes, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 20:16, 1 reply)

Hahaha
I used to think that sex was a night-time thing that lasted all night. Ha! I was slightly confused when I heard about people doing it in the afternoon.

So silly.
( El Lazarus is calm now, Ish,, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 20:12, 1 reply)

i don't know why i am writing this
but my mother made me believe that it was normal to wander around looking as though squirrel nutkin was rummaging for nuts inside me.

one kind boyfriend and a sharp razor later, i feel very ashamed about the preceding few years.
( kitsune-tsuki tankeløst hode får lettest sove, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 20:08, 5 replies)