killed by death
hmmm... I was at a filmschool and needed a tape master. I grabbed one out of the lecturers cupboard and taped my shit over it. Turned out it was his only master for an award winning documentary.

Was dubbing stuff onto the tape, got into a conversation and suddenly he walks in and oops -- sees the run-on -- his doco that err... i'm erasing. So I blame this random chick on the basis that she'd owed me a tape and I'd just used what she'd given me without looking.

But lo and behold -- she turns up. I scream at her (award winning performance). Said Lecturer totally screams at her (totally totally pissed). She doesn't have a chance and doesn't know what's going on.

Over the next 3 months she went loony. And then she killed herself...

...I am a cunt.
( hismastersvice cunting flange-jammer, Fri 25 Nov 2005, 21:58, Reply)

At University
I lived with a guy who thought it was hilarious to post piss-take fliers with his friends' photos on them all over campus. I thought the joke was getting a bit tiresome, especially as he was picking on the same people all the time.

He didn't know that I had a photograph of him taken when he was on a drunken naked rampage. I mocked up a spoof "WANTED" poster of him starkers, hiding cock in hand with a maniacal grimace on his face. I wrote a short paragraph underneath, proclaiming him to be a dangerous sex pervert and warning women to be vigilant late at night. I distributed several dozen of these around all the halls of residence.

I felt rather pleased with myself, as everyone who saw them thought they were very funny - until a woman who happened to have been sexually assaulted on campus that month saw them. She found my treatment of the subject matter very upsetting and reported me to University authorities. I then realised what a crass thing it was to do. While I felt very little guilt for humiliating my housemate, I felt really bad for this woman. I never did find out who she was, but asked the University guy to pass on my sincere apologies.

I felt ashamed of myself of myself for at least a week. He never did put up any more stupid posters, though.
(McFlooble, Fri 25 Nov 2005, 21:14, Reply)

dog
Oh and everyone else I suppose.

Thanks, the thought of you and Louis kept me smiling all day at work. You also made my mind up to post again. I've been mulling over whether or not to post something even more meaningful (to me at least). It was also on my mind the day I made my other post and one of the contributing factors so now I feel like I have to confess that as well. By another weird coincidence its also about my most shameful moment. It might take me a while to type it all out properly but I hope you'll appreciate it when I finally get it done.
(This is all a nice way of saying its your fault when people shout at me for filling half the board with a boring story. Just kidding).

To everyone else, sorry in advance if its long. Feel free to skip over it if you wish. (This is the point where I make a joke about you having no shame if you do though). For all you Gleeballs fact fans its about a mate who appears in several of my answers, usually unnamed until The Man Who Had No Shame that I posted this week. Thinking back on it there are moments that make it sound a bit, well, Hollywood, but take it from me its completely true.

EDIT: I swear to god, as soon as I'm done with this one its back to the knob gags. Promise.
( Gleeballs is mostly made out of chocolate and hate., Fri 25 Nov 2005, 20:47, Reply)

oh the shame!
my shameful moments happens regularly, when i fail to set the qotw board alight, thus never getting a mention!




Length? what's that?
(a monkey bit my bottom, Fri 25 Nov 2005, 20:43, Reply)

More shame
My girlfriend (at the time) told me she loved me. I laughed at her. Oppps. Also it appears I lied earlier, I have a lot to be ashamed of.
(penguinitis, Fri 25 Nov 2005, 18:29, Reply)

I may have to move house..
During the end of a drunken night out of attempting to pull rough lady-boys who look like Kylie in pissed vision, i got home to discover that feeling of a huge turd forcing itself out. Also feeling sick as a dog there was no time to waste as i made my way to the crapper. After sitting on the bog for a few minutes, the feeling of vomit-expulsion was stronger than ever, so i quickly lept off the toilet and put my head over the bowl. After gagging but not vomiting, i realised i needed a shat more than ever, so i sat back on the toilet. This went on for several minutes, each motion becoming stronger than the other momentarily. That is until as i lept off the toilet yet again to insert my head over it, i ended up shitting all over the floor, then as i attempted to sit back on the toilet i projectile vomited all over the wall in front of me. Not one drop of either landed in the toilet. I blamed the girfriend when my mother almost died of shock. She still believes it was her to this day.
(Fergal Mcdergal, Fri 25 Nov 2005, 18:23, Reply)

Christmas meal
Last year i was invited to christmas dinner with my ex and her family. A slight bit of history first... xmas eve all my mates and i wear suits and get royally wasted. And my gf warned me NOT to get "too drunk" because of the meal.

That night was fantastic as usual! absolutly twatted! ooops.

Next day the gf picks me up and takes me to her place. The glaring starts. I acted shamful, but didnt really care because it was such a good night. hurrah!
(Fishbone-didi, Fri 25 Nov 2005, 17:50, Reply)

Shameful acts.....
Crikey, I don't have enough hours in the day or, thanks to blocking most of it out, the memory of most of my acts of shame. But Hee hee... oh the fun of it all....

Recent acts include-

-Treating the new house where I lodge as,so my friend called it, a knocking shop.

-Having a coke and sambuca binge and being a complete bitch to a bloke who was rather quite sweet and keen on me.

-Sitting on railings, bursting for the loo, weeing into someones balcony....not so much problem for a bloke..not that great for a girl.

-Pulling a 19 year and then treating him like a bitch. I'm 26. That's where the, I'm ashamed to say, sex on Pompey beach comes in for me. No kidding I'm afraid.

-Having a threesome with husband and wife with one of our mates only just sleeping down the hallway. I blame the sambuca again....

-er.....I'm to ashamed to carry on.
(Oops....did I say that out loud cos I really bloody want to., Fri 25 Nov 2005, 17:31, Reply)

Tramp
Waiting for a taxi following a night out in Cardiff, I decided to have a quick wazz while waiting for my cab. I leapt up the steps of the national museum of Wales to find cover behind the large stone columns at it's entrance. Being dimly lit, I found a lovely spot where no-one could see me, so I unzipped and let loose the twelve litres (well it felt like that) in my bladder and embarked on the longest piss ever. Only when I was zipping up I noticed a tramp was sleeping upright just to my left, and no doubt he was subject to a sly, and purely accidental, golden shower. On realising what I had done I looked around the foyer to see in the darkness about another six or seven tramps sleeping around me. I've never run so fast in all my life, and the shame will live with me forever.

If the said tramp is reading: I'm dreadfully sorry.
(Fatty Thornton, Fri 25 Nov 2005, 17:15, Reply)

Can there be any greater shame?
I went on X factor and appeared before the judges.

When they said "no" I actually tried to change their minds and asked them to "let the public decide".

Oh the naive humanity!
( iodax, Fri 25 Nov 2005, 17:12, Reply)

Shame- my first Xmas do in my job
Im sure i have many but have blocked them from memory... apart from this one.

Im a Trainee Lawyer but dont let that put you off, im quite nice really. Anyhoo i started at my firm last Aug with another girl. Xmas was approaching and we were talking bout the fabled Xmas do (our company has legendary nights out).

Anyway we decide to have drinking competition at this do- its a free bar on the Partners. The day of the do comes round and we leave work at 12 and get to the posh golf club that we have the do at every year.

Me and other Trainee begin this 'competition' (note the inverted commas) and we decide to drink vodka. Im also on beer and wine and she 'kindly' (again note commas) offers to keep gettin the shots in- fine i say gettin merrily hammered. It turns out later that she was one water and i was on Vodka. Hence the fact i was utterly utterly drunk by um 1.30 PM! I carried on however and was now on more beer and wine.

Now here is the shame bit (as if the above wasnt bad enuf being in the job only 3 months and half the ppl not knowing who the hell i was!) In said posh golf club that we go to every year and the Partners all know the committee etc etc is the Captains chair and Captains bell with a sign, the gist of which was -ONLY TO BE SAT IN/RUNG BY THE CAPTAIN.
Being that drunk i decided that i was the captain and that i would announce this by shouting and ringing the bell to the whole room of bout 100 ppl= head Partners the lot.

Oh. Dear.

Fortunately i didnt get fired and have not had any shit form it- but still- muchos shame on me. Especailly in front of the 90 odd year old very frail only survivng family member of the family who founded the firm in 1791. CuntyMcBollocks.

I then was taken home at 5pm, passed out at friends, puked much bile, (alledgedly broke mates sink but wil deny this to my dying day!) went out with friends as planned spent the whole night drinkin water and was still pissed at 2 when i got in.

This year am gettin my own drinks! Fucking women.

Oh yes and another highlight of that do was me saying to my bosses cute secretary (i was 22 and shes 34, married with 12 year old) 'Never mind X, if you werent married id love to fuck you'

Sigh- she did fancy me tho but it was the ppl who heard that makes it shameful
(Keyser Soze, Fri 25 Nov 2005, 17:09, Reply)

Booze is bad
A couple of years ago I was living in Bethnal Green with two Radiohead obsessed men, at the time of living with them my nineteenth birthday rolled up. A few hours of pre-going out drinking ensued at home, so just before leaving I was well on my way to being somewhat pissed so upon asking "what time is it?" to one of my housemates, his response of "it's Radiohead o'clock (promptly plays Idioteque)!" was fucking hilarious.

After much debauchery and a sunrise return home I passed out in bed and woke up a few hours later, not so much hungover but still very much drunk. My housemate's comment of the previous evening was still playing in my head and making me giggle like a loon. And that's when I came up with the best idea ever. I found a small sticker he owned and took it to a tattoo place 5 minutes away. Half an hour later I was the proud owner of a Radiohead robot bear tattoo, lovely and prominent on my wrist. I almost wanted to beg people to ask me what time it was, just so I could pull up my sleeve and use my new "watch."

However, once sobriety kicked in I realised this had been an intensely stupid thing to do, and I was shit scared I'd perhaps broken copyright laws or something. But it remains and will do until you can get laser removals of tattoos you had done whilst drunk on the NHS.
( Fictional Emma, Fri 25 Nov 2005, 16:55, Reply)

shame
my loving partner has something of a phobia about oral sex, and after months of reassurance, he was finally going down on me, when at the vital moment I let rip a stinky curry smelling fart right in his face. that was two years ago, we are still together but he still refuses to pleasure me orally.
This is the same man who once farted so loudly his flatmate came running in from the lounge as she thought furniture had fallen on us.
(ludditefreak, Fri 25 Nov 2005, 16:53, Reply)

Guilty?
A couple of years back I had a datewith a girl who I was very, very interested in at the time. To cut a long story short, my car broke down (thanks Alfa) so I bavely left it by the side of the road and took the lovely lady for a meal.

All went well, she offered me a lift home where I was lodging with my mate Phil at the time. "Can I use your loo?" she asked.

Now Phil doesn't clean his bathroom. Ever. So I politely explained that the bathroom was "in a bit of a state", but that my own standards of hygiene are much more stringent than my landlord's. She was desperate so I had no choice but to let her use it.

Fifteen minutes later she comes downstairs looking shellshocked. To cap it all, Phil's Spaniel welcomed her into the lounge by wiping his dogsnot on her black cashmere coat. The look on her face was a mixture of distress and disbelief.

She said she was tired and headed home. I kissed her goodbye and went off for a post-date piss to be greeted by the most fearsome stench my nostrils had ever experienced.

"You dirty fucker!" I yelled at Phil "can't you see I had company?".

"Fuck off! I thought that was you, you dirty bastard!" he replied.

The awful truth dawned. The foul, fetid stink that only Satan himself would be proud of had in fact been left by the girl whom I had designs on sleeping with.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 25 Nov 2005, 16:48, Reply)

The scent of lust
First semester of college...I'm living in a co-ed dorm and on my own for the first time

There is this girl in the same dorm I have had some very explicit fantasies about...we have a dorm dance and despite my being so very shy at the time and practically hiding against the wall most of the evening during the song where the girls ask the guys to dance she picks ME!

A long slow dance...couldn't of been more perfect!

The next night about 3am...I can't sleep so I decide to go down to the lounge in just my robe to watch some TV...I'm on the second floor and as I'm going down the stairway...I have to let go a massive fart...I figure most everyone else is sleeping at this hour so I don't hold back

By the time I'm done the sound is still echoing up and down the stairway and dogs blocks away are howling from the noise...I take about two more steps when who should be coming UP the same stairs but my fantasy lady

There's no lying about what I had just done...in fact in a few more steps she would be enveloped in the noxious cloud still floating around me and know I did it

So I did the only thing a rational male of that age could do...I fled like the I was being chased by a madman with a chainsaw past her with my robe flapping behind me and for the next semester hid from her until I could move off campus
(Inventor of the slipless banana peel, Fri 25 Nov 2005, 16:46, Reply)

church
for the church collection every sunday, my ma would give me a quid - but every week i would bring a 2p coin in and switch it. after a few weeks i had enough to buy myself a new porn mag. i will burn!
(skindley, Fri 25 Nov 2005, 16:31, Reply)

Oh the shame of it all
A friend and I were barhopping one night and we decided to get some food so we stopped at a Greek restaurant...there was no one there but us so the waitress came and sat with us while we ate and we flirted with her

Come time for the bill she brings my friend HIS bill but on MY bill is just her name and phone number(while we had been eating she had told us she was off work in just a few minutes)...he goes to pay and I immediately bolt out of the restaurant and am thinking "Oh wow she forgot to charge me!"

It wasn't until we had walked about three blocks away when my alcohol fogged brain realized what that note meant...by then of course it was impossible for me to come up with a good enough excuse why I left so suddenly that she'd of accepted

BTW My friend almost died laughing when I showed him the note...which of course made me feel sooooo much better

Damn it she was cute too!
(Inventor of the slipless banana peel, Fri 25 Nov 2005, 16:27, Reply)

German tour: fit women rare
Oooh just remembered this one.

Was on tour in Germany about 5 years ago and played at a weird festival in Beverungen which takes place in the back garden of a house. The label that puts on the festival is based there, so the artists get to stay in the house and use the facilities. All very nice and friendly.

Anyway, been in Germany ten days and seriously, stereotyping I know, but not one good-looking woman. Until here. And she's gorgeous. And what's more, she's getting well fruity despite being surrounded by far cooler than me.

Later that day, I need a "tour dump" (this is the result of weeks of junk food and is very bad trust me). The house has one toilet, so I finally get in there, release the load and the paint is peeling off the walls.

Someone outside is knocking in desperation. I open the door and guess who bursts in as I'm coming out. And she is promptly gagging from the smell, closely followed by puking. In the gag / pukefest, she loses bladder control.

Didn't pull btw.
( pilchardboy, Fri 25 Nov 2005, 16:12, Reply)

I thought I was right at the time
I used to drive a cab and this is MY biggest shame

I pick up this guy and take him a short distance...the fare is only $2.05...he gives me $3 and I give him his 95 cents in change...half an hour later I get called to pick him up and take him home...$2.05...he gives me $3 and I give him 95 cents in change

Once again I get called to pick him up and to take him to the same place...$2.05...he gives me $3 and I give him 95 cents in change...now I'm getting pissed off...I can hear all my change jingling in his pocket and he keeps taking all my change...soon I'll have to go make a special trip to get more

An hour later I get called to get him yet again...$2.05...he gives me $3 and I hand him $1 bill back and tell him it's bad enough you aren't tipping but taking all my change is too much...this one time I'm eating the nickel take this dollar back and um...sit on it(I might of been more explicit)

BTW You have to understand this is one of the biggest pet peeves of a cabby...a fare who keeps taking all your change...some people do it to you as sport...sometimes it's 3am and you have to drive MILES to get more change

Five minutes later I get a call on my radio from my dispatcher asking what the hell did I do to that GIRL?(WTF!!! OH GOD NO!!!)...SHE called in crying saying I was mean to HER!

To make things worse(and yes they get way worse)...not only was she a young girl but she was mentally challenged...she was not trying to jerk me around with the change thing...she had been given a handfull of dollar bills and told to give the cabby three of them and he'd give you change...she had not the slightest idea how to make change

Wait it's even worse...the place I had been taking her to was a center where she could go to be with others like herself and socialize without people making fun of her or picking on her and now she was afraid to go anymore because the cabby might yell at her

I have never in my life felt more like shit than I did after he explained all this to me...years later I still feel badly about it
(Inventor of the slipless banana peel, Fri 25 Nov 2005, 16:02, Reply)

back in my student days
a bunch of us decided to head out clubbing for the night. Rather than pay for expensive drinks in the club, we decided to start off at the halls bar. As a student it was of course my duty to drink well beyond my limit - and in this case, I remember having about 3 pints, 2 glasses of wine, a couple of whiskies...then I ended up in a friends room and we started matching each other with double shots of absinth (freshly brought back from the czech republic). We managed about six of these.

Obviously, everything after that is a bit of a blur, but I do remember being on the tube, feeling a bit queasy, then puking up a massive amount of runny/watery vomit all over peoples shoes. Then the train slowed down...which meant it ran all down the carriage over everybody.

I then puked on the escalator, in the entrance to the tube station, on the bus on the way home, and finally into my bin for about 4 hours.

The feeling of embarrassment and shame the following morning was only matched when being told that I'd somehow managed to wee off my friends penthouse balcony - in sloane square - onto some posh people in tuxedos.

On second thoughts, I shouldn't really be ashamed of that one should I??
(something clever about willies and sex wee, Fri 25 Nov 2005, 15:39, Reply)

Pathetic Pat
I have only told this once, to cheer up a depressed acquaintance who at 38 was still living with her parents and had only experienced fysical intimacy with her Snoopy collection:

The highlights of my pathetic lovelife.

1) At graduation my maths teacher was chatting and blabblering on at me, not very interesting, so I thoughtlessly turned and turned the rose with long stem all the graduates got, but when he in a low voice said he'd always fancied me I started paying attention and noticed I was in fact sort of screwdriving his crotch. Ah.

2) When I was 16, not entirely sober and having sex with a boy (I was very much in love with, stupidly infatuated etc) in a forest near to the pub a man with a flashlight started looking at us from a few feet distance. After ten minutes, the boy I was with noticed him too and chased him away. He angrily asked why I didn't say anything. "I thought he was the Forestkeeper, counting squirels", I answered, and meant it.
(end of the affair)

3) And yesterday I drank too much and tried to seduce my bf's best mate in front of the bf in a 'that 'll teach him to leave teabags and orangepeels in the sink'-mood. Because I was doing such a terrible over the top seducingjob (was giving it my very best godhonest shot though) they thought I was being funny. My bf's mate said to me that he never thought I had a sence of humour untill now.

Crap.
(muis, Fri 25 Nov 2005, 15:35, Reply)

oh the downright awful clammy skinned middle of the night waking bedwetting SHAME
i'd been to a pretentious chelsea club, a drunk a large amount of pish bottled gack. pulled what i can only loosly describe as a french fcuk buddie. and it was in her bed.

with her in it.

she woke up/lept out of bed gagging first, and as i awoke feeling a little less bloated, i realised i had soaked almost two thirds of her top sheet - and probably mattress.

to her credit, she changed the sheets and i went to work very early. she actually gave me a lift.







edit - its not shame im feeling. sorry ive just realised i actually feel a bit proud. disregard the above please
(magictorch, Fri 25 Nov 2005, 15:28, Reply)

I really don't recommend
smoking a rollie made from fag butt rollies. Made me feel like a big piece of low ... and tasted as rough as a badger's arse :(
(Lifesize cnut, Fri 25 Nov 2005, 15:19, Reply)

On The Piss
In Newcastle, decides to jump a cab and head down to the coast to a nightclub. We'd had a couple of spliffs while waiting from the cab and were feeling well mellow.

Cab is speeding down the motorway about 90 miles an hours, radio is bellowing out tunes when all of a sudden one of my mates in the front seat yells:

"STOP!!! STOP THE CAR!! NOW! PULL OVER!! STOPPPPPPP!!!!"

The taxi-driver, thinking something dreadful had happend - perhaps someone was having a heart attack, swerves the car across three lanes of traffic and screeches to a halt on the hard shoulder.

Mate jumps out of the car onto the hard shoulder and starts dancing.

"I fucking LOVE this record" he croons

I curled up into a ball and wanted to die.....
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Fri 25 Nov 2005, 15:15, Reply)

My shame has been on display for years
In no particular order:
- Once when going down on a girlfriend I had my arse sticking right up in the air and just as she was about to orgasm I let out the loudest, stinkiest fart ever. Immediate end to any possible sex
- Same girlfriend, different time, was enjoying a 69 when all of a sudden she stops what she's doing and announces "You've got a massive winnit caught in your arse hair"... Massive amounts of shame
- In school I carried around a cut out of a page 3 girl who I thought looked like my form teacher. I wrote her name on the top and used to stare it with young wide eyes, till the day she took it off me and went bright red when she saw her name at the top.
- Last Sunday I went Ice Skating with mates, started showing off and tried to pull off a hockey stop. Fucked up, crashed into a tiny little girl and fell on my face. Looked up and realised I'd done it in front of the fittest girl ever. Triple shame.
- After a night out on x a few week ago was totally wrecked and discovered by my mates in their bathroom having a nice bubble bath in all my clothes drinking fosters.
- My greatest wanking disaster (see 2nd story from the top of the wanking stories question of the week)
- Got caught by one of my mates standing in front of the kitchen window staring at my reflection, flexing my muscles and chanting I am the Son of Kong. I have no idea why I did that.
- Got busted beating one out over myfriendshotmom.com the other day by my visiting mum
- Got thrown of the bus home after a heavy night out for asking an old woman if she had ever wanked off a goose

The shame goes on and on. However, after reading the worlds sickest joke qotw I told my mate the joke about the bloke who claims he could have any woman in the bar because he's a rapist. He thought it was the best joke ever and told it too loads of people. One night after a night out he went to a mates house party, after double dropping he trotted that joke out in front of a room full of people he didn't know. As he gave the punchline the room went deathly quiet. He skitzed right out and went outside for a fag, after a few mins his mate joined him and quickly informed him that his flatmate had been raped in Greece the last summer and she had run upstairs crying!!!

Hahahahaha the shame! Brilliant!
-
(Manatee Fondler, Fri 25 Nov 2005, 14:56, Reply)

Girls and poo
I was at uni and inexplicably really fancied this rather average-looking, somewhat self-obsessed bird. She was having a party at her flat, so I went along..... turning up unfashionably early, and got mildly drunk. I noticed several of her (much prettier) friends had also arrived.

It was then that I realised that I badly needed a shit, so I toddled off to the bog and started crimping one out. It was a tough, smelly fucker, and I sat there on the throne moaning gently and squeezing the vile substance out.

Something caught my eye, so I turned to my right to see two of her best friends standing there, eyes agog, gagging on my faecal aroma.

I hadn't locked the door. Oooooh, the shame.
(terryc, Fri 25 Nov 2005, 14:54, Reply)

brotagaia
as a black metal, death metal, thrash and speed metal etc etc etc fan, I can honestly say that I quite like the backstreet boys.

And my shameful music was when I was younger- chesney hawkes and peter andre.

Ohhhohhoh, mystereeeyus girl, i wanna get close to yoo....
( Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Fri 25 Nov 2005, 14:52, Reply)

usual stuff..
L e Brad : In case you don't already know, although nutmeg is a halluciogenic in quantity the line between it being a hulluciogen and an emetic is quite small, as you found out..

Ashamed.. I'm ashamed of being mildly racist when very young - my dad quickly set me right and correctly so. Of ignoring someone who used to be a good friend but I hadn't seen for years, because I couldn't stand the connection to an event in my past. Not proud of that, at all.
(EssY, Fri 25 Nov 2005, 14:52, Reply)

I'm an an awful human being
List time.

Cheating on a lovely man (he really was, and he looked a bit like Layne Staley, which is nice when you're 17) with a 15 year old, who wasn't worth the hassle, even if he was quite pretty.

Beating my ex armound the head quite a few times and pulling his hair (long alice in wonderland sort of hair). To be fair, he was an arsehole. But then he broke up with me for varying reasons which I seem to recall involved my violence. But he really was an arsehole.


Having money given to me by a parent (variable) to buy birthday pressies for the other parent, and always making sure i had a few quid over for me. now that's one I'm really ashamed about.

so there. Gaz, Nick, MumDad, I'm sorry.

Oh, and i overwrote my fiance's Shadow the Hedgehog game yesterday. I was petrified he'd be mad, but he wasn't. but the shame still is there. Because he loves sonic and all sonicy things more than he loves me. In order it goes Sonic, Spiderman, Fae, Maynard James Keegan.


Oh, and being too drunk to remember anything about a WASP gig part from falling off everything, down everything and over everything. Can't remember the gig, really. I do remember having a strop though, and breaking my hand.
( Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Fri 25 Nov 2005, 14:41, Reply)

the only prick in the vill-age
back in the early ninties i moved from the city to a fairly crappy rural location. the local pub was a deliberately quaint affair with a few loyal regulars who had probably been there since the days when it was still a proper village pub. my girlfriend was away overnight 'on business' and i couldn't be arsed cooking for one, so duly headed off to said local for some pub grub. They did a decent steak so i decided a bottle of red was a good idea. the locals, who i knew only vaugely, had already on previous visits decided i was a 'yuppie incomer' for the following reasons.

1. i worked as a graphic designer
2. we owned two cars and commuted to 'the city'
3. my girlfiend was not a blood relative

...and crucially i had a HUGE twunty mobile phone, this was back in the day when they were a distinct novelty. So after my meal I got chatting, started necking double brandies (yup! ...prick) ostentatiously buying rounds and generally playing up to the 'townie arsehole/yuppie' image they had of me. I then proceded to get massively pissed, bragging about my 'highflying' career (shit job in a shit company) talking utter pish and generally being a right tit. Sadly - i do NOT suffer from alchohol induced memory loss. So the two most oustanding perfectly clear memories I have are: having a loud 'conversation' on my 'fancy yuppie phone' with, brilliantly, no-one on the other end. Also - lurching out of the gents, where i had thoughtfully pebbledashed the only cubicle with a foul cocktail of (very rare) steak, red wine, and multiple brandy vomit, safe in the belief that 'someon else' would get the blame - who 'someone else' was in a pub with 3 locals quietly sipping pints and marveling at the eyewatering staggering level of irksome cuntage that was moving into their little village, is still a mystery to this very day.

genius
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Fri 25 Nov 2005, 14:07, Reply)