I just pissed
in the toilet, while awake.

You should try it some time.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Wed 29 Aug 2007, 11:09, Reply)

I used to do drama lessons as a kid
And the teacher told us a funny story once. Apparently she dreamed that she got up, opened the bathroom door, raised the toilet lid, sat down and had a piss.

And then woke up to find that she'd actually opened the closet door, raised the lid on her CD player, sat down in a chair...
(Lieutenant Colonel Oblivious brought to you by intravenous sugar, Wed 29 Aug 2007, 11:05, Reply)

sleeptalking
i've never known anyone to sleepwalk but a bit of sleeptalking goes on at our place

i get up at 4am most days for work so i go to bed before my boyfriend. he came to bed one night at about midnight and i must have been confused because i started telling him to "get out of the way, the people need their coffee scrolls! move! i have to make the coffee" etc

the tables turned the other day though when i asked him something in bed and he replied "i'll do the open heart surgery"
when i laughed and asked him if he knew what he was saying he replied "you have the biscuit, i'll do the open heart surgery"

in the embarrassment stakes, i won, he lost (at least i make coffee for a living)
(dawa, Wed 29 Aug 2007, 11:02, Reply)

Captain Haddock
I had to look up lithotripsy.

Then I understood.

Not nice.

On a similar topic, a mate of mine had a bladder stone destroyed by means of a catheter stuck up his urethra. He said that this was extremely unpleasant but did have a side benefit. After the procedure, the bore of his cock had been increased and going for a piss took half the time!
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 29 Aug 2007, 10:58, Reply)

If you'll allow sleeptalking and sleepsexing posts...
My boyfriend doesn't sleepwalk, but he does talk in his sleep, and it's often hilarious. The latest was when I woke him up to turn his alarm off (went off way too early).

Me: Honey, turn off the alarm, you don't work til noon.
Him: Well, at least we don't need the ammo.

The best one that I can think of, though, was when he woke up randomly (don't think I was bothering him this time), opened his eyes, and said, in a very wink-wink voice, "The good doctor will be here soon." I really wonder what that dream was about.

There was also one time that I still tease him about, when we went to bed, had sex (for the first time in months, I might add), and he didn't remember it at all in the morning. He was technically awake, but tired enough that his memory was entirely wiped. He's lucky I'm an understanding girlfriend...

Edit: Any other women (or men) have that horrible dream, when you really have to pee in real life, and you spend the whole dream searching for a toilet, finally find one, and wake up mere seconds before wetting the bed? I hate that fucking dream.
(RDT <>< <>< <>< <>< <>< <>< <>< <><, Wed 29 Aug 2007, 10:49, Reply)

Worse than sleepwalking....
... and to me it was the worst fright of my life.

You know the little feeling you have that someone is watching you....? Ever had that whilst you were ASLEEP...?

Only a few months into my relationship with the now Lady Jester, I was staying over hers after amost enjoyable night. I was deep in the land of nod when at some ungodly hour, up crept that niggle... "I see you.... and I am watching". So I cracked open my eyes ever so slightly only to find the Ms Jester-in-waiting a mere 30cm from my face, W I D E - E Y E D and staring driectly AT ME....!!

I jumped straight out of bed....my heart missed a few beats and I looked back for a few seconds for the night-eyes to adjusted and then realised she was SLEEP-WAKING.. as if in a daze. How unnerving...!

I gave her a gentle shove (for all I knew she could have been dead) and she rolled over with a sigh and was fast asleep in seconds.

I, on the other hand lay there mortified til the sun came up.
(Sir Jester, Wed 29 Aug 2007, 10:47, Reply)

Urination free sleepwalking
When I was about 11, I sleepwalked/sleptwalked straight into my bedroom door, banged my head, woke up, said, "Ow" and went back to bed.

No piss was involved.
( abefroman skating on the thin life of modern life on, Wed 29 Aug 2007, 10:42, Reply)

My worst piss was after lithotripsy
I was feeling woozy after the drugs they give you, got the old chap out and aimed, only to be greeted by what looked for the world like liquid liver coming out of it.

I would've thrown up but that would've involved being near to the bloody micturation now languishing in the pan.
(LunarJim, Wed 29 Aug 2007, 10:41, Reply)

This is the pissiest QOTW ever
It couldn't be made any pissier, not even if the question was "What was your best/worst/smelliest/etc piss"

Piss piss piss. PISS!
( chart cat has an itch, Wed 29 Aug 2007, 10:28, Reply)

University Hallwalking
I used to live in the end room of a university hall unit. The bathrooms were at the opposite end of a long thin corridor with around 8 bedrooms on either side.

I used to share my bed with my girlfriend (and now fiancee) which was a single bedded plastic mattress. Since the sleepwalks seem to have died down I put it down to the uncomfortable beds and a fairly decent amount of alcohol from time to time.

She recounts that one day I was sleeping naked and she would know that I was sleepwalking because of the unusual way that I would get from the lying position to vertical. I obviously needed a slash and for whatever reason was fully aware of my nakedness so I had looked around and found a towel.

What happened next can only be explained by my sleepwalking logic as I picked up the towel and simply swung it over my shoulder and marched off to the toilet, which as you would imagine would have been an interesting site. I arrived back at the room a few minutes later with towel still on my shoulder and then promptly got back into bed.

Length 8- The whole corridor probably knows.
(nospoon The Olympigs would have been more entertaining., Wed 29 Aug 2007, 10:24, Reply)

Obligatory Sleep-wee Story
This one was quite recent, happend sometime in the last week of 2006.

I'd come home from my rugby club's new years party a little worse for wear, having drank amounts of guinness and jack daniels that would be fatal to anyone outside of the rugby-playing community, and had pretty much passed out as soon as i got to my bed.

Now this was in the middle of a period of very vivid, if not lucid dreams, and when i felt my bladder beginning to overflow, i got out of bed and made my way to the toilet, just down the hall. After the urgency had passed, i looked around and thought 'this is a dream'. This was instantly followed by the thought 'where am i pissing', and i then opened my eyes and found myself still in my room, standing over a tank of sodden sawdust containing two very wet and angry gerbils.

sorry till, sorry flake,
(Sgt Freddy Colon My Guitar Wants To Kill Your Mama, Wed 29 Aug 2007, 10:08, Reply)

Bolivian coup sleepwalk
When I was 16, I went through a period of sleepwalking and doing strange things. On one occasion, I made a model of the Cutty Sark out of toothpicks. On another, I painted a replica of the Sistine Chapel frescoes on my bedroom ceiling using my own ordure. Neither of these were particularly odd when compared to the oddest occasion.

On 11 October 1988, I got up in the night, got dressed, walked to the train station and caught a late train to London. Here, I used my dad's credit card to book a flight to Bolivia. Still sleeping, I boarded the flight and enjoyed the in-fight meal.

On arrival, I set up an anti-government political group and became a rebel figurehead in a very short time. Within weeks, I was on the verge of a landslide election victory. That's when my family saw me on TV - still wearing my pajamas (which had become a cult uniform for my Bolivian followers). They flew out to get me, but this caused riots in the streets and martial war was declared.

Finally, my mother used the old trick of holding a phial of chlorine gas under my nose and I awoke, utterly bemused, amid the screaming crowds.

OK. That's made up. I pissed in the wardrobe
(frankspencer, Wed 29 Aug 2007, 9:59, Reply)

The Big Dogs
My older brother used to suffer from pretty horrific nightmares, and hearing him scream in the middle of the night was a quite common occurance.

One night a good ten years ago, i woke up to hear the usual sounds of terror from his room, so i just rolled over and tried to ignore it. Then, *Thump, thump, SMASH!!* ; i ran into his room to find him standing on his windowledge, the window wide open, a baseball bat on the floor next to his shattered mirror, screaming that the big dogs were chasing him. And yes, completely fast asleep. Needless to say he about shit himself when he woke up half out of a second story window.
(Sgt Freddy Colon My Guitar Wants To Kill Your Mama, Wed 29 Aug 2007, 9:59, Reply)

Sleepvacuuming
A friend of the family when in his teens had the odd notion of finding the vacuum whilst sleep walking, plug it in and proceed to operate it in its noisy fashion in the middle of the night. His parents probably wouldn't have minded if it hadn't been for the inappropriate hours so they decided to lock it up and the problem went away.

It then turned out that he would do it when he stayed at other peoples houses, which must have been a surprise.
(nospoon The Olympigs would have been more entertaining., Wed 29 Aug 2007, 9:58, Reply)

Three Way Convo....
A while back I went to stay with a mate living in Uni halls. Usual story of having gone out, and gotten drunk. Fortunatly neither of us are partial to a bit of nocturnal pissing. However, he is a doorman (we shall call him James, for shits and giggles). Because of his job, he is getting calls at all times of the day and night to work. Once such call happened at about 8.30am.

*ring ring*

J:Hullo
James' Boss:Alright James, How Are You?
j: i'm fine thanks, how are you?
Me (only being able to hear James' 1/2 of the conversation): i'm ok, tired, how are you?
JB: Are you available to work tonight?
J:hmmm....am I available to work tonight?
Me:...no, i'm not a barman any more
J: No not you, shut up!
JB:...Who me?
J: no, not you, i'm not available to work *hangs Up*...great thanks to you, my boss now thinks i spent the night with a man
Me (after a few moments of being full awake...):....hehehehehe
(drain_bamaged, Wed 29 Aug 2007, 9:17, Reply)

*pop*
When I was younger a few of my friends, my sister ("Tina") and I stayed at a girls house that I will call 'Meg'. Meg and Tina fell asleep so we decided to convince Meg that Tina had wet the bed. We woke her up repeatedly and told her this and gleefully went to sleep. Morning comes...we're all eating breakfast when Meg walks out and proceeds to give my sister a tongue lashing for peeing all over her bed...they both wondered why the rest of us were pissing ourselves...oh well.
(Mz. Lou, Wed 29 Aug 2007, 9:15, Reply)

this very morning
I actually remember this, but certainly wasn't properly awake

woke up, rolled over to see my girlfriend, held my hands up as if to frame her and said "a picture of you"

now, I know I thought she had said something to prompt that, but I've no idea what it was.

when she had finished laughing at me I said "I am awake you know"

not very interesting, but it happened this morning
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 29 Aug 2007, 9:14, Reply)

Martini
induced slumber. At a party!

Rose like a zombie and locked myself into the bathroom. I then shat all over the towels! And a nugget in the bath.
(Waspard has your wank bank account details, Wed 29 Aug 2007, 8:55, Reply)

This board feels like a Harry Potter book.
Reams and reams of the same old crap repeated over and over again but with the situations and participants names/relationships changed.

Made JK Rowling a mint, I somehow doubt any contributers to this tome will receive similar reward.
(LunarJim, Wed 29 Aug 2007, 8:33, Reply)

mini sirens
When I was at boarding school we had a fire alarm go off at about 1am. I was fast asleep and was vaguely aware of the siren, but I must have been fairly deeply asleep, as I was spreading some scones in my dream.... The spread was little miniature sirens - grey with a texture like butter. mmm siren spread.

Pretty sure they would have tasted groady.
(Sammyj, Wed 29 Aug 2007, 2:05, Reply)

My boyfriend is weird
I love him to bits, but in his sleep my boyfriend is very odd. Hes diabetic, and once got up in the middle of the night with a low blood suger.

He tested his blood sugers (stuck a needle into his fnger till it bled, then used the fancy bm moniter gadget) cooked himself a fry up, ate that and a few packets of biscuts, checked his blood sugers again. gave himself a shot of isulin (needle into the leg) then went back to bed.

I know he was alseep, because he was snoring. Loudly.
So how the hell did he jab himself repetedly with needles without making a mistake or waking himself up?
And how did he use the fryingpan while naked without getting burned?

edit - I should probably point out that I did try to wake him, and couldn't, and tryed to take the sharp/hot things away from him and also couldnt... I honestly dont want to see him hurt.

length, plenty
(becca_kitten Is odd at best, Wed 29 Aug 2007, 0:44, Reply)

Purr, Purr, Crunchy Noise
The neighbours' cat comes around sometimes. When you stroke it, it purrs, and makes a sort of crunchy noise. I think it's grinding its teeth.

Last week, Mrs Weapon woke up in the middle of the night, said "Purr, Purr, Crunchy Noise", and went back to sleep. She denies this actually happened.



Unrelated to this, another pissing story. My friend Cam once told me of a drunken party where everyone fell asleep in the lounge. He was woken up in the night by the sound of a fellow reveller pissing on the stereo.

"Mate, why are you pissing on the stereo?" he enquired.

The pisser woke up, looked at Cam, looked down at what he was doing, looked back at Cam, and said "um... is this real?"
(theweapon never ever bloody anything ever, Wed 29 Aug 2007, 0:05, Reply)

Electrical
After being out on the lash I returned home, drunk, and went to bed.


Apparently my wife had to charge into me to stop me pissing over the electrical socket which was sparking and making nasty noises.

In the morning the radio wasn't working (and I woke up late). I mentioned this and was told the story of the sleepwalking piss on to the socket.
Not only that, but the sleepwalking piss onto the wall, the other wall, her jeans (in the middle of the room), the cats blanket and various other items in the room all on different occasions.

I still have no recollection of any of it, except the smell in the morning.
(Opanoid Look sweats dripping off them, Tue 28 Aug 2007, 23:21, Reply)

no peeing into wardrobes, chest of drawers or anywhere else
Bugger me,

I've always thought that buying a second hand bed or mattress was dodgy. Not any more. I'd rather have those than any other bedroom furniture. Or rather choose friends who will not piss in my wardrobe. Or rather choose friends who would not lie about pissing in wardrobes. I can't help feeling that some of the stories this week are 'my mate told his mate who told his sister, who's cousin did...'

My story.

Invited to my boss's house for a meal. Unfortunately I had a prior engagement (footie on sky) and so drank lots before the 7.30 for 8 attendance.

The taxi dropped me off and I saw a lovely pot plant my boss would appreciate. Tis mine.

Knocked on the door. Fell in the door. With the pot plant.

The next thing I remember:

I was offering my boss a blow job under the table - everyone else was still eating the lovely meal his wife had made. Needless to say he declined. I would only eat my meal on the floor because I felt sorry for the two dogs they had - read: too pissed to sit on a chair.

Everyone else took a taxi home that night but I was comatose by 10pm. My boss's wife took me back to the spare room. I knew nothing until I walked into their bedroom at 2am and shouted

'PECHOGONAS'

Two of the guests that night were Spanish. They took the piss out of me in my comatose state thinking I could not hear anything. I did.

Scared the shit out of my boss and his wife.

Pechogonas is Spanish for 'huge tits'. I walked into my boss's bedroom screaming this, carrying the pot plant I'd nicked off the next door neighbour, and as naked as his wife had put me to bed. I've kept the name ever since

Boringly. My boss rung Mr P. He picked me up and I do believe I might have been on time to work the next morning. Nothing has ever been mentioned since. Except for the nickname. I am Pechogonas
( no longer a user, Tue 28 Aug 2007, 22:33, Reply)

Not sleep "walking"
I remember being really tired and crawling into bed, waiting for my g/f to come snuggle with me. I woke up with rememberance of some really great sex with her and cuddling afterwards. As my eyes unfuzzed, I realized that she was not home and her body pillow had done the stunt work and had worked up quite a "sweat". I've never laundered such a huge thing before, lol.
( kitty minion Babies ate my dingo!, Tue 28 Aug 2007, 21:55, Reply)

Sorry miss, my brother pissed in my bag
When I was 7 or 8, I used to sleepwalk all the time, not far, but far enough to find an odd place to empty my bladder. Normally the bin in my room I shared with my brother, or in the toybox.

One night I got up (I don't remember this)and pissed in my eldest brother school bag, soaking his school books in nice smelly piss. He is 7 years older than me, so at that time was 14/15 and had to explain to the teacher that his younger brother pissed in his bag and that is why he didn't have his homework. Needless to say my mother had to ring the school to get him out of detention by telling them what I had done as they didn't believe him.

He was known as pissybag for the rest of the year.
(Eeevil You are losers, Tue 28 Aug 2007, 21:54, Reply)

Another time
I remember when I was younger, my morning pre-school routine was to wake up and give myself a quick wash before I grabbed my stuff and went.

My dream that night involved chasing a star, once I caught up with it, it didn't seem to shine so brightly. I decided it was dirty and still asleep I got out of bed and wandered down the hall into the bathroom where I proceeded to wash the bugger.

The cold water woke me up, I continued with my morning ritual and left for school. It was dark, I sat at the bus stop for a good half hour before I checked the bus times in frustration...only to realise that it was dawn, and I had a good 3 hours of sleep left to do.
(MrTeapot hasn't played with himself since, Tue 28 Aug 2007, 21:51, Reply)

Subliminal Revenge?
Back in the dim distant past, when I still lived at home, I came in quite late after a night of darts and pool. I raided the biscuit tin, eating all the chocolate ones, then put myself to bed and slept soundly until next morning. Or so I thought. I got some funny looks from my parents when we passed in the kitchen as I left for work next morning, but nothing seemed unduly out of the ordinary. It wasn't until I got home in the evening that the full story of the night before came out.

Apparently at around 3am I had walked into my parent's bedroom, turned on the light, picked up one of my father's shoes and emptied my bladder into it. Obviously as it was only a size 9 it rather overflowed all over the carpet. When I was finished I carefully replaced the shoe with it's partner, walked into their bathroom, flushed the toilet, turned off the light and went back to my room and back to bed.

Alcohol may have been involved.
(dprid, Tue 28 Aug 2007, 20:28, Reply)

Cats, local radio and teacher love...
I don't tend to sleepwalk very often, but one memorable time (not for me obviously, i was asleep) was when i was about 7. I walked through the kitchen where both my parents were sitting, having walked past at least two bathrooms, and took a pee in the cat's food. Needless to say the cats were not impressed...
My mum used to read me and my brother bedtime stories. She was reading a story one evening when she stopped for a moment, and then started raving on about listening to local radio when you are on holiday. After a couple of minutes of this she woke up. Turned out she had fallen asleep but not bothered talking. Typical!
One final story...on a school trip a friend of mine shouted out the name of a (male) teacher at the top of her voice. We made sure we told absolutely everyone, including the teacher.
(Katurian, Tue 28 Aug 2007, 18:33, Reply)

is it
sleptwalk or sleepwalked? or sleptwalked??
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 28 Aug 2007, 18:12, Reply)