Pretty sure my boss doesn't read b3ta...
Same company, old job:

Boss of the time had quite a sense of humour about this for some reason.

These days I'm a model employee of course...
(fridgefreezer inserted a topical reference into his sig on, Mon 13 Aug 2007, 22:38, Reply)

I work in a library
I regularly wank into and spit in every tenth Josephine Cox and Catherine Cookson book bought to the counter.

Sigh.
(Hanargh, Mon 13 Aug 2007, 22:09, Reply)

sex, drugs and generally pisstakery
In my old job (in a bar), I would often turn up to work stoned and smoke it on the premises. I also had sex in practically every room in the place (even giving a blowjob on the roof once and fucking one of my bosses in the Ladies toilets). I held a seance in one of the cellars and a painting of my penis still hangs in the flat upstairs.

And to think I feel guilty for sly fag breaks nowadays.
(badfox1 wonders who he's played by this episode on, Mon 13 Aug 2007, 21:44, Reply)

Should have been fired...
I worked for a top accounting firm. Our manager was a total flake and alcoholic. Literally everyone complained about how useless she was to HR and the partners. Result? Fuck all.
So what do you do when you hate your boss and can't be bothered to do come in and deal with their shit? Called in sick over 20 times in a year :-) Almost always on a Friday or Monday as pointed out to me by the nice HR woman who warned me that they wouldn't be paying me any more sick days. I quit after that and got a better job. They had payed for me to pass all my exams by that point anyway.
I actually do even less now, for much more money. But that is another story...
Edit: Forgot the icing on the cake was that the incompetent bitch had lied through her teeth and wasn't even qualified. Seems no one had bothered to see if her name was listed with the institute. Whoops.
(brycemonkey No fatal accidents since:, Mon 13 Aug 2007, 21:09, Reply)

my first ever claim
before i was a real lawyer (and still had a life) was against the dry cleaners opposite the estate agency where my friend and i worked.

one day my boss asked me to go and fetch his brand new trousers from the dry cleaners. he had all his clothes hand made on savile row (ha, he stopped doing that when the last lot of shirts came in at #2,500. apparently it is very not the done thing to ask the price beforehand. he shopped at m & s after that) and had broken the zip on his new dinner suit.

we had lost the ticket, and i was in the cleaners for ages. eventually they conceded they couldn't find it. many cross letters later and i sued them for my boss. on the day before the hearing they gave in and paid the lot.

only after the cheque had cleared did my colleague and friend say to me:

her: er, rswipe. you know those trousers?

me: yup. careless bastards! anyway, the boss is buying me lunch today as a thanks.

her: yeah. see, i. um. kind of my fault.

me: what. did. you. do?

her: i forgot that he told me to take them to the dry cleaners. i took them... to the charity shop... and when i went back, they'd sold.

oops!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 13 Aug 2007, 20:52, Reply)

Rewarding myself
I had nearly forgotten about the dramatic exit I made from my glittering former career as a Sainsburys petrol station checkout slave.

I was only doing the job to save up to go travelling, and it sucked balls. I was completely bored and had plenty of time to dream up scams and time wasting schemes. This was when Reward points (now nectar) had just come out and you could use them for all sorts of useful things...like paying your food bill, phone bill, restaurant bills and days out - if you had enough of them that is. Which I did, since every single person who didn't present a reward card automatically donated them to the Groovchik fund.

It lasted about 9 months until some top security boffin came down from London to investigate a ‘serious case of fraud’, oops. The management got extremely over excited and got the police to sit in on my exit interview, I was then frogmarched offsite and asked never to return (or apply for a Reward card, snarf). The thing that really, really pissed them off was that they couldn’t prosecute me – I’d done them out of several thousand pounds but at that stage there was no law covering the theft of ‘electronic impulses’. Oh how I laughed, and went to Asia for 6 months.

But I did feel bad about my lovely boss John, who tried to cover for me…what a sweetheart. Sorry John, it was the evillous me.
(groovchik, Mon 13 Aug 2007, 15:56, Reply)

Apparently I should be fired for having an A Level exam to go to.
I worked part-time as a freezer monkey for a shop that shall be known as Weight-roose while I was at College.

A tnuc called Craig pulled a chair out from under me when I went to sit down and damaged my back so I couldn't go into work (doctors note and everything). Didn't stop them from putting me on a written warning for taking too much time off!

But then exam time came. I took A Level drama as a cruise through course. A Level drama exams take place at night so I had to book time off work to do it. Went to my manager and she point blank refused. She didn't believe that exams took place in the evening. I could have offered my tutor's number to provide confirmation. I could have provided witnesses to the fact that I had an exam. But to be honest, the shitty situation where they put me on a warning for having a damaged back, shutting me in the freezer while I'm stocking a trolley and forgetting to put me on the lunch list when I had turned up at 5am for a stocktake (therefore having to survive the rest of the shift on a Mars bar as I had no money on me) took the piss.

I quit before they had a chance to fire me for not turning up. And I didn't turn up for my two weeks notice either.
( Joliet, Mon 13 Aug 2007, 15:37, Reply)

My old job
How we never got the sack from the supermarket where I used to work is a complete mystery, honestly.

The warehouse was on two split levels - the food bit at the bottom, and the non food bit at the top. Used to work on the non-food bit, meaning there were always footballs/cricket bats/remote controlled cars/frisbees/TVs/scooters to be mucking about on. Once, during a massive game of football, someone kicked the ball over the wall thing that stopped you falling off the edge into the underneath food area (by the way, health and safety would have an absolute FIELD DAY in this place). No worries, we thought, happened pretty often and the forklift drivers normally booted it back up for us. Not today.

Just so happened that there was a big managers' meeting thing going on underneath us (in a warehouse?! yeah - i know!) and the ball had flown over the edge, and bounced down right next to these top-bods, interrupting their brown nosing, and scaring the absolute crap out of them.

What did we do? We used the years of skiving and playing manhunt in the enormous warehouse to our advantage when the massive (and i mean MASSIVE) juggernaut of a store manager comes HURTLING up the stairs, looking for culprits. We had all hidden in the stock - people were under the shelves, on top of the racking, inside TV boxes - it was a total JOKE the places we picked, how we werent found is beyond me. Plus, you always get that feeling when you know you CAN'T laugh or you'll be in deep shit. Makes you want to laugh more and more and more. You all know the one!

The only guy left not hiding (and wasnt even playing football) was the retarded guy whose job it was was to put out batteries, and he just said it "fell off the racks at the top" rather than dob us in. Looking back he maybe wasn't so retarded.

Still laugh about this now. Good times.

Edit: This is probably my longest QOTW post, so in all sincerity, apologies for length!!
( Goon, Mon 13 Aug 2007, 15:25, Reply)

Not this job, honest.
On reflection I'm amazed that I never got fired from my first "proper" job. In my four years there I:
Set fire to the office microwave.
Ripped the door off the photocopier in a fit of temper.
Punched a bloody great dent in a filing cabinet. (Temper again)
Treated the rest room as my personal fiefdom. (Not only did I hijack the tape player to play Thrash metal most lunchtimes but I also stored my back issues of Kerrang there. When I moved home I stuck my LP collection and books in there too.)
Wandered in at weekends to use the microwave. (Which wasn't so bad except I set the burglar alarm off at least once. I used to hang around for four or five hours after work too.)
Nicked and read the bosse's paper on a daily basis.
Caned the flexiclock and sick-leave systems until they squealed.
Took ever increasing amounts of time to run errands. (They didn't mind a twenty minute trip taking thirty minutes. When it got to taking an hour things were said.)
Elbowed my boss in the face. (Accidental, but knowing how much I hated her nobody believed me.)
Eventually I lost interest to the point that I was frequently found skiving in the rest room. I think I got transferred just before I got fired. Or punched.
(Big D, Mon 13 Aug 2007, 15:07, Reply)

Dont get me wrong
The job was great - at least my interpretation of it was great.
It was the company that sucked. Particularly the boss.
But I was young and very randy, so it suited me for a while.
(LunarJim, Mon 13 Aug 2007, 14:31, Reply)

Captain Haddock
Sounds like my dream job. Especially the filthy secretary/sweaty skirt staring bits.

Carry on.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Mon 13 Aug 2007, 14:26, Reply)

I *was* fired....
... but then I probably deserved it for:

1. Taking 2 hour lunchbreaks.
2. Failing to deliver on customer assignments on time.
3. Taking the boss' secretary out on a date, then shagging her.
4. Being seen in the office being openly affectionate with said boss' secretary
5. Telling a technical lead to "fuck off" when he smugly showed me what was wrong with a project I was working on (I may have been justified here)
6. Despite being warned not to, sitting with my feet on the desk.
7. Goofing off for afternoons down the pub when I should've been on client site.
8. Lying on my CV to get the job in the first place.
9. Spending 20 minutes working on cables under a customers desk when I was actually staring up her skirt.
10. Bragging about the above to colleagues within the boss' earshot.

I was there for 6 months, and hated almost every minute of it. They were condescending, intolerant, and aloof. When I got fired I went ballistic and scared the MD half to shit. He paid me 3 months money and I still got to shag his secretary!

Huzzah!
(LunarJim, Mon 13 Aug 2007, 13:43, Reply)

I wrote the Bratz movie.
Yes, I was the one who said, "Let's take dolls who represent the most vicious of cliques, and turn it into a story about them fighting against cliques and being all inclusive. The hypocrisy will balance out the sexual exploitation and antisocial ostracism."

Yes, that's why I should *only* be fired, as opposed to being hung from a lamppost like the the psychopath who invented the slutdolls.

Length? No, hung *from* a lamppost.
(MrCanoehead Marzipaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!, Mon 13 Aug 2007, 13:17, Reply)

True story
When I was working at the photocopy shop, I returned from a prolonged lunch to discover a couple of circular cheeses on my desk. They were about the size of Babybels, but were in green and yellow packaging. I ate both of them double quick. About an hour later my boss asked me where the cheeses were.

ME: I ate them.
HIM: What!? They were samples. You were supposed to lasercopy them for a customer.
ME: Nobody told me that. So I ate them. I'll just buy some more.
HIM: Oh Jesus! They were the only two samples in the country! The Sales Manager was just in here. They brought the samples from a conference in Holland.
ME: Well, if you leave food on my desk, I'm going to eat it.
HIM: What you're going to do is call the man and tell him you've eaten the only samples in the country.

PICKS UP PHONE AND DIALS

ME: Yes, hello. It's KallKrap Printing. I've just eaten your cheese samples... well, nobody told me... Well, they were very tasty... no, I'm not laughing. Honestly. Yes I do realise that this is a serious matter. I've eaten the only samples in the country... Wait a minute... I can't....stop... myself... Bwaaahahahahaha... hahahahahahahahaha... hahahahahahaha...hahahahahahahaha... hahahahahahahah

BOSS TAKES PHONE FROM ME

HIM: [to sales manger} Yes, I'll see that he's disciplined. It's certainly not a laughing matter. And we'll try to reconstruct the packaging from the bin and copy it.
ME: Hahahahahahahahahahahahhahah

In the end, we copied the packaging and I kept my job.
(frankspencer, Mon 13 Aug 2007, 13:03, Reply)

IT worker....
Working in IT gives me a fuckin' golden ticket to slack off.

If the boss comes over then im just 'researching a fix on google' rather than 'pouring over the b3ta QOTW and slacking off'

Like many others on here when i actually decide to work i announce my achievements very loudly and impressivly to make me seem like some sort of god, keeps the boss thinking im the absolute tits and allows me to slack off further


*returns to lurk*
(Xyphious : Sinkin' Gin since '85, Mon 13 Aug 2007, 12:52, Reply)

Well...


It did get very boring working at Blockbusters
(Pesky Eskimo Gadzooks!, Mon 13 Aug 2007, 12:34, Reply)

One word
Bukkake
(LunarJim, Mon 13 Aug 2007, 11:15, Reply)

I Started Early…Getting fired, that is
I was about 15 years old and working in the crappy local village co-op for 4 hours every Saturday morning, earning a princely £12. This was pre-CCTV, so my mates used to hang around outside the shop and as soon as I went behind the till in the booze / tobacco cubical they would pile in. The transactions went thusly:

Me: “Hello sir, how can I help you?”

Mate: “I’ll have 8 cans of Tennents blue-death, a bottle of Thunderbird, a bottle of vodka and some 20-20 for the girls please?”

Me: “Do you have any proof of age sir?”

Mate: “Cock off Pooflake, I’m in your class at school, you bell-end”

Me: “Mmm I see….well, that’ll be £25.60 then”

Mate: “I’ve got 20p”

Me: “That’ll do nicely sir, here’s your £30 change”.

I would then meet up with mates after my shift, split the beer and make off with the cash.

Happy days.

This lasted about 6 months and several of my mates and I developed lovely alcohol problems as a consequence.

One day I was called into the office:

Boss: “We’re going to have to let you go Pooflake, due to staff cuts”

Me: “Awwwwww scrotey-bollocks”

Staff cuts my sleazy pink lurve-sausage!….The next Saturday there was someone else in my place!

Bastards….so I had a word with the newbie….and it all started again…
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Mon 13 Aug 2007, 10:43, Reply)

We've got a mole
"It is perfectly legal to give a bad reference if it is truthful and substantive. In other words, if you were lazy and shit and they can prove it, they are allowed to say so. Many ex-employers can't be bothered, so they simply say "no comment", which is a dead cert for getting on to the "application rejected" pile."





Yup.


An ex of mine worked in HR. She once gave me a very handy list of 'damned with faint praise' and 'don't employ this fool' type of innocuous-sounding, non-committal phrases. Unfortunately, I went and lost the damn thing.





Re: The 'untrue' reference.....


A bloke that I used to work with was a complete and utter twunt. He should never have been employed to work with computers as he could barely switch them on never mind actually find any faults in the software.

The company built up a false case against him but were undone when someone (whistles innocently) spent a couple of days (when they should have been doing some work) going through the records to prove that he was in the clear.

The management weren't very happy about this so, a month or so later, trumped up a disciplinary charge and sacked him on the spot. Unfortunately 'someone' told matey to read the paragraph in his contract about written and verbal warnings and see if they matched up with the way the company dismissed him. Lo and behold, they had forgotten the first verbal warning.

Then 'someone' approached a manager and, oh so casually, mentioned that sacked matey was off to get legal representation. Management shat themselves and said "We're fucked!" I was tasked with finding out, on the quiet like, if matey would be willing to drop the case. Of course, he 'somehow' got the impression that he was onto a winner by continuing with his claim. Sure enough, he was awarded an unfair dismissal and a fair old lump of compensation.

Of course, his case was mightily helped when 'someone' could provide testimony that the company had been rather lenient with another incompetent twit. Said twit's continuing employment, despite being a brain-dead borderline alcoholic had nothing, I repeat nothing, to do with the wee factette that he was going out with one of the female managers sister at the time and that his bestest buddy was said managers boyfriend. The same 'someone' had also discovered a backed-up email inbox detailing the manager, her boyfriend, a former manager (it was her pc that had the emails stored on it) and the borderline alcoholic arranging to blame a project fuck-up on a recently departed (in the quit sense, not the gone to meet their maker sense) team member.

The company always wondered how such an incompetent managed to second-guess their every move but, thanks to them being a shower of underhanded cunts, they had a whole range of disgruntled ex-employees to choose from.
(Fanta Menace Is tall enough to see over the fence, Mon 13 Aug 2007, 10:32, Reply)

I can beat any claim of "I do nothing"
I actually, truly did nothing in my last job for the last 5 months. I didn't turn up to work, I didn't check my emails, I didn't answer my work mobile. I'd just had enough and stopped coming in, but since I had 4 managers and a 'mentor' they must have all assumed one of them was working with me. Oh wait, I did do one thing. Fill in my timesheet every month with "37.5 hours training". But one day a recorded delivery letter arrived to say I needed to come in and discuss why I had been training for so long, and I resigned since the game was up. They even let me keep my work laptop AND gave 2 weeks extra pay as a bonus for never having a sick day. Best. Job. Ever.
(bonjelafiend, Mon 13 Aug 2007, 10:26, Reply)

My Mate Furious D
Used to work in a shop selling mobile phones and other assorted crappolla. One happy St. Patrick’s Day, FD and his boss decided that on such a day, work should really take a distant second place to getting utterly arseholed. (this was despite the fact that neither of them are Irish, or have even the remotest link to Ireland, but anyhoo, and what a brilliant boss btw, why have I never known one like this?)

So they put their collective braincelery together and came up with the following doozy of a plan, which is either twisted evil genius beyond belief, or just butt-chompingly dim, depending on which way you look at it:

These men-on-a-mission filled bucket after bucket with water and fucked it all over the floor of the shop. On they merrily continued until there was genuine splashage underfoot. They then called Head Office, said there had been a leak and that it was unsafe for staff and customers. Not wanting to risk a lawsuit, Head Office promptly ordered the shop be closed for the remainder of the day and a team of cleaners / plumbers etc be called in to clear up the mess.

Off to the pub they go. Quality.

Unfortunately, the cleaners must have had St Paddy’s day on their mind too, because they turned up, did a shagpacket job and also cocked off to the pub.

The carpeting was wrecked. As time went on it went stale and mouldy. Things began to grow and live it it. Most importantly, it fucking honked.

Furious D wasn’t sacked…he left because the place stank.
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Mon 13 Aug 2007, 9:44, Reply)

More on bad references
It's illegal to give an UNTRUE reference, but not necessarily to give a bad reference. If you were shite, they don't have to say so but nor are they prevented from saying so.
(Seance Trumpet has got no beef with a man enjoying a croissant, Mon 13 Aug 2007, 5:25, Reply)

less why i should be fired more why i quit
well there was the "if you're too drunk to come in, dont come in at all" times

the fact that i'm apparently a "fucking idiot" for making sure i did things right

also a "fucking idiot" for checking i'm using the right tools as its obviously "fucking common sense" even though i have had nil training for the job and think its probably a better idea just to make sure so i dont fuck up thousands of pounds worth of steel work

the fact i reeallllyyyyyy want to fight one of the bosses

regularly stinking out the workshop with my farts and shits

and being unable to finish highly laborious tasks in minuscule amounts of time

all this for less than the minimum wage

but on the last week i found out that the boss i hated has his massive bald patch not due to male pattern baldness but because he had that section of hair ripped out when it got caught in the pillar drill, he sat in the staff room holding his head rocking back and forth for an hour holding his head just repeating "my hair" apparently

then theres the time he broke his arm trying to pull a wheelie out of the car park

breaking his ankles jumping off a roof after getting a football

the list goes on. . .




click i like this if you know how good it feels to know that karma works for cuntish bosses
(classic-spastic, Mon 13 Aug 2007, 4:55, Reply)

Because I perceive myself as overqualified and underpaid and they'd be doing everyone a big favour by sending me far, far away to start a new life on a better pay scale.
I think I speak for just about everyone, admit it.
( KersaI Missive Free Michael Shields! with Monday's Liverpool Echo, Mon 13 Aug 2007, 3:42, Reply)

Seems almost tame, doesn't it?
- I regularly spend hours standing in the warehouse, looking at the stock but doing nothing with it.
- I spent a large portion of this weekend making a smiley face on the wall in stickers.
- I mentally badmouth the overlords - sorry, the upper staff - whenever given orders.

Actually, any normal employee would do this sort of thing.

Though I did have a wank in the toilets when I was bored a couple of weeks ago.
(ratthingbazzterd, Mon 13 Aug 2007, 1:35, Reply)

Re : it's illegal to give a bad reference
No noob.

Firstly, next time you want to post crap like this, please go to /talk or /links.

Secondly, just for the record, [in the UK] it's unwise, but NOT illegal, to give a bad reference that you can't substantiate. It simply leaves you liable to court actions for damages resulting from its inaccuracies.
It is perfectly legal to give a bad reference if it is truthful and substantive. In other words, if you were lazy and shit and they can prove it, they are allowed to say so. Many ex-employers can't be bothered, so they simply say "no comment", which is a dead cert for getting on to the "application rejected" pile.

As to why I should be fired from my job, no reason just yet, but I'm working on it.
( finnbar has officially retired, Mon 13 Aug 2007, 1:17, Reply)

Damn parcel delivery
Unfortunately because I work in a parcel delivery warehouse, customers including; Hornby Hobbies (the trains and scalectrix etc..) Dell, Powakaddy golf shite ltd. and a company called USEL (who send out all the bollocks from those free mail-order books you get with the paper, amongst others I don't get time to do anything worthy of being fired. Especially seeing as Christmas is coming up and we have loads of Cristmas cards and train sets to send out. A guy did get fired a while ago though for cable-tying one of the other lads arms, he only got the sack 'cos the lad he got was a whiney lazy little shit.
I now work saturday mornings though where I sit around for 4 and a half hours doing nothing but play flash games and fly my miniature remote control helicopter. Plus I'm supposed to start at 8am but as long as you get there before about 9 no-one cares.
(OzEden is probably clinically insane, Sun 12 Aug 2007, 22:02, Reply)

Nationwide
I used to have a crap data entry job at nationwide. The only internet site we could access was the Nationwide website. One day the chief executive had a webchat session and started by saying "Thanks for the amazing response, I've had over 300 questions." The thing was around 250 of these were from me, most of them song titles like "Why don't we do it in the road?" "If you can't do it when you're young when can you do it?" and trivia questions like "who won the fa cup in 1954?". About 60 were variations on "Why do you look like a gerbil?" but he chose not to answer those for some reason.
I also spent the last month there writing sarcastic notes to solicitors criticising their handwriting and changing every 100th page in the photocopier for a sheet saying "CUNT" in 200 point arial.
( Zuowan, Sun 12 Aug 2007, 21:00, Reply)

I have nearly killed several children
without my bosses knowing at the safari park. It is a wonder I didn't get carted off in a police car, let alone get the sack.

First off was my biggest case of gross misconduct, I was working on a small little kids ride called The Magic Carpet, it had no control cabin as such, and the ride was operated from a series of buttons at the bottom of the entrance steps. Asking for disaster really, but to get round this we had an emergency stop button that locked the ride, and a key that locked that into position.

Of course one day, I forgot to press it after the ride had stopped...

So I'm letting all the kids off ready for the next batch when I hear the ride start up and an almighty scream come from one of the parents behind me waiting to get on. I turn around and see a child (a baby really, about 1ish) hanging off the side of the ride while its in the air, close to falling off into the workings below (which would be death or certain death). Fortunately maternal instinct kicked in and its mother was over like a shot to grab him, and all was ok. After half an hour of non-stop apology and "I know, its a terrible system they've got really" I managed to semi-placate the mother who didn't ask to see the management.

I also pulled the same calming techniques on a father whose son I had smacked round the head with a heavy metal gate (I left quite an impressive dent).
( SugarSpunSister Yeah, whatever, Sun 12 Aug 2007, 20:02, Reply)