Name things only idiots believe to be true
In other news, my knee/shin guards have been dispatched and shall be in my posession in time for my trip to AFAN.

That's AFAN in Wales.

Where I am going.

AFAN.
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 19 May 2009, 16:09, archived)

Wales has any real say in its future

( Mykeyboy A massive, salty filing cabinet, Tue 19 May 2009, 16:10, archived)

Shit myself have you ?

( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 19 May 2009, 16:10, archived)

50% of the Daily Mirror

(likeajackhammer, Tue 19 May 2009, 16:10, archived)

the other 50% of it being the exact opposite of the first half,
hence the name?
( Moon Girl Technologies horrendous beanbag, Tue 19 May 2009, 16:11, archived)

unexpected LOL

(likeajackhammer, Tue 19 May 2009, 16:12, archived)

do you normally plan your lols?
do you have a LOLdiary?
( glued eel /questions/questionsyoudliketoask/post1648081, Tue 19 May 2009, 16:32, archived)

a calolendar

( Moon Girl Technologies horrendous beanbag, Tue 19 May 2009, 16:34, archived)

and a portroflio

( Moon Girl Technologies horrendous beanbag, Tue 19 May 2009, 16:34, archived)

a schedLOL.

( Undulating Tentacles of Love getting fun down to acceptable levels, Tue 19 May 2009, 16:40, archived)

a fiLOLfax

( Grrrmachine the indifference engine, Tue 19 May 2009, 16:40, archived)

I just sync my phone with iLol and Roflr.net

( moohalaa, Tue 19 May 2009, 16:44, archived)

I have an alolm clolck

( Moon Girl Technologies horrendous beanbag, Tue 19 May 2009, 16:44, archived)

I had ROFLes (Waffles) for breakfast

( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 19 May 2009, 16:45, archived)

I had bacon and omgs

( Moon Girl Technologies horrendous beanbag, Tue 19 May 2009, 16:46, archived)

THis sounds like a Swedish village

( Grrrmachine the indifference engine, Tue 19 May 2009, 16:46, archived)

a day PMSLanner

( glued eel /questions/questionsyoudliketoask/post1648081, Tue 19 May 2009, 16:44, archived)

this sound slike something you use to organise your period

( Grrrmachine the indifference engine, Tue 19 May 2009, 16:46, archived)

Ghosts

( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 19 May 2009, 16:10, archived)

ANYTHING that Dekionplexis ever posts.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Tue 19 May 2009, 16:15, archived)

The towers were actually the planes and the towers disguised as planes flew into them,
I saw all this through my telescope pointed upwards as the earth actually exists on the inside of a sphere.

Also the moon is a Jewish conspiracy.
( Undulating Tentacles of Love getting fun down to acceptable levels, Tue 19 May 2009, 16:34, archived)

It's only Kellogg's in a different box.

( Moon Girl Technologies horrendous beanbag, Tue 19 May 2009, 16:10, archived)

I hate people that say that
there's clearly a difference in taste, I prefer Kellogg's so I'll fucking eat Kellogg's you shit!
( SuperMatt, Tue 19 May 2009, 16:28, archived)

I don't like Kellogg's that much,
although the worst cornflakes I've ever had the misfortune to try were Best Buy. Even the dog wouldn't eat them.
( Moon Girl Technologies horrendous beanbag, Tue 19 May 2009, 16:31, archived)

That girl who does MTV news is human and not some machine from the future. Where the future is entirely Irish and Friz faced.

( Mykeyboy A massive, salty filing cabinet, Tue 19 May 2009, 16:11, archived)

Anything Libertas says ever.

( Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Tue 19 May 2009, 16:11, archived)

Who ?

( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 19 May 2009, 16:11, archived)

Eurosceptic party, loosely organised across most of the EU except Britain.

( Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Tue 19 May 2009, 16:14, archived)

God

( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 19 May 2009, 16:11, archived)

That Max Clifford is any but a soul-sucking foul cunt-stain on the fabric of society.

( Edd: The Unfunny Try-Hard Edgelord, Tue 19 May 2009, 16:11, archived)

He didnt use lube ?

( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 19 May 2009, 16:11, archived)

Faked Moon Landings
If you put a tooth in a bowl of Coke it will melt overnight.
( Theoban What of it, Tue 19 May 2009, 16:11, archived)

I'll never forget Dawn French's version of this which was
"If you put a cow in a glass of milk, it wont be there in the morning"
( turb0t, Tue 19 May 2009, 16:16, archived)

ANNE WIDDICOMBE FOR SPEAKER!

( Boris Johnson's Press Secretary, Tue 19 May 2009, 16:11, archived)

EAKER UNK RECEPTICLE
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 19 May 2009, 16:12, archived)

That Jeremey Kyle is a helpful, intelligent good councellor
who speaks the truth,
( Mrs Sp@m, Tue 19 May 2009, 16:11, archived)

he does speak the truth, though
it's the BLINDINGLY FUCKING OBVIOUS truth

e.g. "you need to get a job and pay for your bastard kids!"

*crowd get to their feet and all hail the new fuhrer!*
(likeajackhammer, Tue 19 May 2009, 16:13, archived)

"You really need to stop putting Tennants on your cornflakes
and learn that repeatedly punching your wife in the face is NOT foreplay, sunshine"
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 19 May 2009, 16:15, archived)

You forgot
"at the end of the day"
( Mrs Sp@m, Tue 19 May 2009, 16:16, archived)

You eat cornflakes at the start of the day, though.

( Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Tue 19 May 2009, 16:17, archived)

"When you leave this studio
are you going to help your kids get off the skag as soon as you get out of prison ? Are you going to help your 30 stone wife out of bed in the morning so she can walk to the shops to buy crisps, fags and cider ? Are you going to be a better person for this experience ?"
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 19 May 2009, 16:18, archived)

MY BROTHER WAS A DRUG ADDICT
etc.
( spangolin - the odds are good but the goods are odd, Tue 19 May 2009, 16:23, archived)

Did he touch you ?

( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 19 May 2009, 16:25, archived)

"You are going to have to learn that sleeping with a string of men, because your semi-literate boyfriend looked at your mum
is NOT the secret to a lasting relationship."

"later in the show, we destroy a poor man/woman's life by telling the world that their relationship is a sham, because his/her partner is a lying, cheating slut - in our lie-detector test"
(likeajackhammer, Tue 19 May 2009, 16:18, archived)

We asked Derek "Did you have sex with your brothers mum
at a party while drunk ?" he said "no" and the polygraph showed he was lying.
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 19 May 2009, 16:20, archived)

We asked Chantelle "Have you had sexual relations with anyone else since you started seeing Peter"... she said no... she was telling the truth
We then realised she didn't understand, so we explained what sexual relations meant... and she shit herself - literally
(likeajackhammer, Tue 19 May 2009, 16:24, archived)

We asked Brian
"Did you set fire to Marys dog when you found out she'd let Terry finger her outside McDonalds" He said "Yes"
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 19 May 2009, 16:26, archived)

I could do a show like that.
And now for the DNA test Zoe. This man you call your father, the man who changed your nappy and bounced you on his knee is.....................................................................................................................NOT your real father.
Now man the fuck up and piss off. You go that way and you go that way.
( Captn Hood-Butter is not dead yet., Tue 19 May 2009, 16:34, archived)

it just shows how shit some of western society is at common sense.

( Mrs Sp@m, Tue 19 May 2009, 16:16, archived)

western
( Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Tue 19 May 2009, 16:18, archived)

exactly...
the fact that they went ON the show, displays a decided lack of that particular quality...
(likeajackhammer, Tue 19 May 2009, 16:20, archived)

dog egg and cat butter pie is tasty

( GrandmaOfShoes, Tue 19 May 2009, 16:12, archived)

dog egg blue?

( Mrs Sp@m, Tue 19 May 2009, 16:12, archived)

I plan to catch a cat on Saturday
and strap it to the back of my bike so it rubs against the tyres while I ride along.

I want to see if any of it is left at the end of the day.
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 19 May 2009, 16:13, archived)

That's MY tax money they're spending!

( Moon Girl Technologies horrendous beanbag, Tue 19 May 2009, 16:13, archived)

I think that might be true in your case.

( Mykeyboy A massive, salty filing cabinet, Tue 19 May 2009, 16:17, archived)

what are they spending my tax money on?

( Moon Girl Technologies horrendous beanbag, Tue 19 May 2009, 16:18, archived)

Is there any to spend?

( Mykeyboy A massive, salty filing cabinet, Tue 19 May 2009, 16:20, archived)

yes,
I'm not exempt from VAT.
( Moon Girl Technologies horrendous beanbag, Tue 19 May 2009, 16:22, archived)

I HATE people that think walking over 3 drains will give them bad luck.
most of the time you see people jumping the last one in the street and it's actually just a cable access cover.
( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Tue 19 May 2009, 16:13, archived)

I know a girl who's scared of walking on manholes and those kinds of things on the street
Her amble down the road involves a large amount of swerving, hopping past things and outright crossing the road when there's a dense thicket of drain covers.
( Theoban What of it, Tue 19 May 2009, 16:13, archived)

Eventually she'll get hit by the car when needlessly crossing over
thus proving the theory of evolution weeding out the thickos
( Grrrmachine the indifference engine, Tue 19 May 2009, 16:15, archived)

She's Welsh too
Dangerous business.
( Theoban What of it, Tue 19 May 2009, 16:16, archived)

Theres lovely

( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 19 May 2009, 16:17, archived)

Ah she's nice really
I love the Welsh, innit.
( Theoban What of it, Tue 19 May 2009, 16:19, archived)

me too
but only the non stabby-druggy-chavvy-chip-on-the-shoulder ones.

Cheeky cunts, my hobby pays their cunting dole.
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 19 May 2009, 16:23, archived)

as a paranoid mentallist I do this
but I make it less obvious and walk round them
( Mrs Sp@m, Tue 19 May 2009, 16:14, archived)

We could never have babies together...I'm sorry

( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Tue 19 May 2009, 16:18, archived)

that think walking over 3 drains will give them bad luck.
most of the time you see people jumping the last one in the street and it's actually just a cable access cover
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 19 May 2009, 16:14, archived)

My niece does that.
To be fair to her, she is only 12.
( Blue Star was working part time at the 5 and Dime, Tue 19 May 2009, 16:14, archived)

I am one of those people... mainly because it's become a pavlovian effect...
I can't help meyself :(
(likeajackhammer, Tue 19 May 2009, 16:15, archived)

Stop being a SILLY.
tread on it. nothing will happen due to a result of this.
( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Tue 19 May 2009, 16:20, archived)

people who honestly believe that anything at all is either good or bad luck,
do they never stop to think to themselves, "hang on a minute, that's completely daft!"?
( Moon Girl Technologies horrendous beanbag, Tue 19 May 2009, 16:15, archived)

Yeah, but what if we're in an matrix style AI construct and things like a single magpie are the program's flags for bad events
eh?
( Undulating Tentacles of Love getting fun down to acceptable levels, Tue 19 May 2009, 16:27, archived)

ahhhhhhhh
well, at least there is no spoon, so we don't need to worry about whether the cornflakes are Kellogg's or not.
( Moon Girl Technologies horrendous beanbag, Tue 19 May 2009, 16:30, archived)

Imbibing alcohol is a pleasant, enjoyable pastime enjoyable alone, with friends or with strangers

( Grrrmachine the indifference engine, Tue 19 May 2009, 16:14, archived)

controversial

( Moon Girl Technologies horrendous beanbag, Tue 19 May 2009, 16:15, archived)

You can't live just on foreign food!

( Moon Girl Technologies horrendous beanbag, Tue 19 May 2009, 16:16, archived)

Fiat currencies are a lie. Gold is real money.

( Moon Girl Technologies horrendous beanbag, Tue 19 May 2009, 16:17, archived)

I hate fiat currencies.
Carrying a load of hatchbacks in my wallet.
( Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Tue 19 May 2009, 16:19, archived)

bummers are deaf
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 19 May 2009, 16:22, archived)

WHAT?

( Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Tue 19 May 2009, 16:24, archived)

You a mountainbiker then GW?
Haven't ridden Afan yet, but seeing as I'm heading to Wales in a few weeks I fancy giving it a go.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Tue 19 May 2009, 16:25, archived)

Yes
It's good I was there in April.
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 19 May 2009, 16:27, archived)

What's the terrain like?
Is it as hilly as Snowdonia? I'm taking someone along who's not used to teh hills.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Tue 19 May 2009, 16:29, archived)

It's similar to Coed Y Brenin if that's what you mean ?
Rocky, armoured trails, more jumps than CYB, more technical I guess. Not as pretty as Snowdonia, more crack dens and litter.

The mountains in Snowdonia are bigge in general but the climbs at afan tend to be ONE BIG MASSIVE CUNT then generally downhill. CYB seems to be more up down up down up down up up up down down down.

Afan is more up up up up up up up up up up up down down down up down down down.
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 19 May 2009, 16:38, archived)

Yep, I've ridden CYB
I'm hoping to get Betws Y Coed in again, it's a fantastic trail for flattering the rider.

CYB I wasn't hugely impressed with... Last time I rode I was rewarded with technical climbs and fire road descents. WTF?
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Tue 19 May 2009, 16:47, archived)

You rode it the wrong way round then

( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 19 May 2009, 16:52, archived)

Nope
I rode the MBR run in June 2004. IIRC there were diversions for trail maintenence.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Tue 19 May 2009, 16:57, archived)

anti-aging creams will undo years of sunbathing and smoking and staying out late

( spangolin - the odds are good but the goods are odd, Tue 19 May 2009, 16:25, archived)

Not for you
you look like Lovejoy
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 19 May 2009, 16:30, archived)

you look like Lovejoy's scrotum

( spangolin - the odds are good but the goods are odd, Tue 19 May 2009, 16:38, archived)

He has on occasion stood in as a scrotum double.

( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Tue 19 May 2009, 16:44, archived)

Angry Scrotum #4.........................Goatworrier

( spangolin - the odds are good but the goods are odd, Tue 19 May 2009, 16:47, archived)

everyone knows it's spunk that can really do this,
specifically mine.
( Undulating Tentacles of Love getting fun down to acceptable levels, Tue 19 May 2009, 16:30, archived)

oh I've got a good one,
if you eat diet food as well as your normal food you'll lose weight.
you can stuff your face all day as usual, but if you have a slimfast before you go to bed, it undoes it.
( Moon Girl Technologies horrendous beanbag, Tue 19 May 2009, 16:35, archived)

spheres fly into your hair when using conditioner.

( Undulating Tentacles of Love getting fun down to acceptable levels, Tue 19 May 2009, 16:37, archived)

your hair is somehow nourished by conditioner
it's dead. really quite dead. not able to be nourished at all.
( spangolin - the odds are good but the goods are odd, Tue 19 May 2009, 16:41, archived)

Eating slightly less cake is as effective as regular exercise

( Imhotep is Invisible - Consider this a divorce, Tue 19 May 2009, 16:39, archived)

eating twice as much low-calorie cake is as effective as exercise.

( Moon Girl Technologies horrendous beanbag, Tue 19 May 2009, 16:41, archived)

Wearing tracksuits and trainers makes you look athletic
despite the tracksuit bottoms being a 40" waist
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 19 May 2009, 16:45, archived)

of their children: "it's just puppy fat"

( Moon Girl Technologies horrendous beanbag, Tue 19 May 2009, 16:46, archived)

are the knee guards to protect your knees while kneeling to knob nice new ewes?

( glued eel /questions/questionsyoudliketoask/post1648081, Tue 19 May 2009, 16:31, archived)

That tucking your jumper into your jeans looks good.

( Jobe, Tue 19 May 2009, 16:34, archived)

but if you tuck it correctly, it can make you look bigger

( glued eel /questions/questionsyoudliketoask/post1648081, Tue 19 May 2009, 16:35, archived)

like making your hands into fists with the knuckles just under your biceps
so that when you pose in a t-shirt with your arms folded it makes your muscles look ripping.
( Grrrmachine the indifference engine, Tue 19 May 2009, 16:37, archived)

I opt to put them down my trousers
so I look like a massively endowed flid.
( Undulating Tentacles of Love getting fun down to acceptable levels, Tue 19 May 2009, 16:39, archived)

Everyone is interested in hearing about my baby
Babies are wonderful beautiful adorable things that cannot be anything but loved. I am a better person for having one.
( Imhotep is Invisible - Consider this a divorce, Tue 19 May 2009, 16:40, archived)

*rapturous applause*

( Undulating Tentacles of Love getting fun down to acceptable levels, Tue 19 May 2009, 16:42, archived)

moreover
I should get special privileges and look down on other people because I managed to get pregnant.
( spangolin - the odds are good but the goods are odd, Tue 19 May 2009, 16:42, archived)

Someone brought their child in today.
The whole office, except for me, stopped working to go and goo at it. I am the only one in the office without kids. I do often get that 'well, you don't know until you have one' bollocks.
( Blue Star was working part time at the 5 and Dime, Tue 19 May 2009, 16:46, archived)

my boss came in with his
I was given one to hold for bloody ages. They're really dull when they're new.
( spangolin - the odds are good but the goods are odd, Tue 19 May 2009, 16:50, archived)

"Speaking as a mother"
Your opinion is entirely invalid unless you've had babies. You can't possibly understand my situation without having yourself had kids.
( Imhotep is Invisible - Consider this a divorce, Tue 19 May 2009, 16:47, archived)

Replace the phrase "speaking as a mother" with
"Having had my brain removed". It makes what they're about to say so much more appropriate.
( Grrrmachine the indifference engine, Tue 19 May 2009, 16:49, archived)

if anything,
your opinions become instantly less valid once you acquire cause for an enormous emotional prejudice.
( Moon Girl Technologies horrendous beanbag, Tue 19 May 2009, 16:50, archived)

buying little plastic blanks to put in your electrical sockets
will make the house safer for your children.
( Moon Girl Technologies horrendous beanbag, Tue 19 May 2009, 16:44, archived)

Which b3ta bird works at the Passport office? Anyone know?
I need to find out if I can squeeze a favour (lol that sounds dodgy, just need to ask a question)
( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Tue 19 May 2009, 16:44, archived)