damn darkness
at home everyone upstairs during the night. it was dark downstairs when we heard noises like someone had tipped over glass bottles. My older brother and my mother went downstairs to investigate, me being young and afriad of the dark stood on the staircase. before i knew it something was running towards me full pelt up the stairs. My immediate reaction was "AHAHAHAHA" and run as fast as i could into my bedroom and slam the door. Turns out it was a cat that climb through the kitchen windown and was startled by my family so it shot away up the stairs and scared me shitless
( schizophrenic_sheep, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 13:29, Reply)

walking along in the bush, minding my own business
and then something akin to a bullet hits the back/top of my head. i turn around and see a bird flying away.

hairy bleedy pain ensued.
(riedacher_bertram, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 13:23, Reply)

Big dogs
Me and best friend attacked by 2 Dobermans while running around a 'private' field, aged 10 and scared shitless. Luckily I remembered animals hate fire. So I genied a box of matches and threw it at them. Unfortunately, despite what you see in films, fire only makes them angry. Still have the tooth marks on my arse. :(
( The Beast can't help looking at womens breasts on the tube, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 13:19, Reply)

When I used to work icing wedding cakes
with Shirley Crabtree (better known as super-hero British wrestler; Big Daddy) the rival specialist cake artistes shop accross the road (Dainty Cakes) was always trying to sabotage us. Their owner and head cakist; Jeff Capes, was a mean and ruthless cad and he would lead dasterdley underhand attacks on us on a regular basis.
Anyhow, on one occasion I was icing the words "Debbie 4 Mark 4 eva" on a 5 tier marbled madeira cake when my icing bag suddenly became blocked.
Shirley tried to unjam it by shoving a lemon sponge finger up the nozzle, but to no avail. Eventually, we had to unscrew the nozzle to see what was wrong.
You can imagine our surprise when a giant anaconda, nearly 20 foot long burst out of the icing bag. He ruined Debbie and Marks wedding cake. It had, of course, been put there by Jeff Capes.
This riled Shirley and me right up. It had taken us ages to get those cakes balanced on top of each other using old biros as supports.
Swiftly, like some sort of bakery-banzai warrior, I grabbed a fresh icing bag and blinded the thrashing snake with two well aimed blobs of fuscia pink frosting, just as he was beginning to crush Big Daddy to death.
This startled the anaconda just enough to enable Shirley to wriggle one hand free so that he could remove his large sequined top hat.
It is a little known fact that Big Daddy always kept a folding miniture swiss army chainsaw under his hat, in case of emergencies. Once he had retreived this he made very short work of the anaconda.
Chop chop, vroom vroom, squelch squelch.
Nevertheless we still had a cake to replace and revenge to extract from Jeff.
The cake was simple enough. Using the parts of the anaconda which looked most madeira like, and a packet of Pritt-tack, we fashioned an even better looking wedding cake.
Then we marched over to Dainty Cakes to settle matters with Jeff once and for all.
I shouted at Jeff "Look! A dragon!" whilst pointing behind him. He fell for it, and Shirley swiftly had him in a full nelson. Then I stood on the counter and shat on Jeff's face.

How we laughed, as Big Daddy proceeded to stab him in the stomach and watch him bleed to death.
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 13:16, Reply)

My sister...
...was bitten by a møøse. Møøse bites can be quite painful.


Olaf Prøt
( Tepid_Halibut felt like a cold, empty shell of a human...until, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 13:09, Reply)

They're our cousins
When I was younger I went on an extended family outing to the zoo. We were wandering from cage to cage, the younger of us being fairly interested in God's variety of creation.

We got to the chimpanzee cage, and the creature was obviously bored out of his brains. He just sat there staring at the bars, taking no interest in anything around him.

My uncle decided to liven things up for the little ones by dancing around the cage making monkey noises. Unexpectedly, the chimpanzee perked up and started following my uncle's movements.

Spurred on by this interest, my uncle continued to dance, and the chimpanzee got more and more excited. And started to dance himself.

Except that the chimpanzee livened up his dance by squatting down, having a shit, then scooping it up and lobbing it violently through the bars at my uncle.

Quite a lot of it hit him.

Good thing too - he's a crap dancer.
( String Theory sometimes feeds the sparrows too, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 13:06, Reply)

Oh you pretty things
o o o! This seems a popular post, let me play also.

One morning I sleepily poured myself a bowl of sugar puffs and high on sugar wasps, nummee num nums! I was 6 and it scared the poo out of me, god knows how they got in there.

Or the time when I was 2 and mr wasp, not content with drowning in my padddling pool, decided although it was sure to die it would masquerade as a piece of wood and sting unsuspecting toddlers

My biology teacher loved wasps, she stood up for them with the whole delicate ecosystem thing, and thats why we cant kill them all, frankly Im willing to take the risk.

Let us b3tans declare war on the yellow and black jacketed basterds!
(Fordprefect, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 13:04, Reply)

Toad Attack
When I was about 6 my grandad was digging a pond in the garden, I went out to see what he was doing when out of no where a big fat slimey toad jumped on my head.

I started to scream which caused my grandad to swing his shovel in the general direction of my head to scare it off.

Shame my grandad misjudged the distance and whacked me round the side of the head, leaving the toad to hop off unharmed whatsoever.

Slimey, hurt, crying, thanks grandad.
(Danage, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 12:56, Reply)

Not normally cruel to animals but...
...like everyone/thing else, they reap what they sow. This happened when I was about 12, walking home from some wasteground where me and my mates used to knock empty cans off of things with our catapults. We had a bit of a fad for them back then, and these were proper manufactured models (anybody remember the Black Widow?), though me and my mates shot at inanimate objects like cans and stuff rather than the windows, wildlife, OAPs and domestic pets that some of the bigger (i.e. more malevolent and stupid) lads favoured as targets.

Anyway, my mates had broken off to go to thier respective houses for thier tea and while I was making the final solo journey to my own dinner table, some scruffy mutt jumped out from behind a corner in a fence and sunk its teeth into my thigh, uncomfortably close to my meat and two. Luckily for me, my folded-up catapult was in my pocket so the mangy bastard got a mouthful of jeanscloth and catapult instead of the young flesh it was aiming for.

It didn't seem to mind though, and after doing that doggy head-shake thing that they do when they have things in thier jaws, it disengaged and sauntered off with this 'I'm the king, me' swagger. Fairly nonplussed by this, I decided that the four-legged fucker needed to learn its place in the food chain, so I unfolded my catapult and planted one of the pebbles I was still carrying on its cocky mongrel arse. Suffice to say that the swagger was abruptly replaced with a highly comical attempt to scarper with its arse as close to the floor as possible whilst maintaining a decent turn of speed. I wished at the time that my mates had been there - that shot was a blinder :D

My length is none of your business, and I resent you speculating upon it.
(thatblokeoverthere not quite as much an arsehole as I thought, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 12:53, Reply)

When animals take a liking to your sibling...
Whilst feeding a pair Shetland ponies, one took a liking to my little brother and decided to mount him.

Once the nag realised there was no where to insert it's pecker, it decided it was hungry instead and began to eat his hair.

Within days of this assualt, the same brother decided it'd be prudent to kick a wasps nest. Poor mite ended up with a face like a bag of spanners.

Throughout these traumatic events, myself and his other older brother didn't lift a finger to help, but did manage to find time to sadistically laugh our knackers off
(speedymarks, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 12:52, Reply)

Tiger volley and Emu attack
OK, one from a friend, and one from my boy, Russ.

Said friend was much younger, and had just had first child. The family decided to go to the Porpoise Pool on the Gold Coast (closed over 20 yrs ago now) where there were a goodly assortment of animals hitherto unknown in Queensland coastal holiday towns. San stopped in front of the tiger's cage, awestruck by it's size and restrained power. Seconds later, the tiger turned, so they all leaned closer for an action shot with the camera, and the tiger let fly with a deadly accurate stream of hot tiger wee, which missed both San and her husband, but which liberally coated their six month old baby and the pram. After the screams died down, and the horrified Pool manager refunded their entry fees and offered a free meal, San and family had to pack up the stinking pram and the freshly bathed and naked baby and head for home. Apparently the peculiar odour of big cat urine hung around on the child for some days, despite repeated washings, and the pram was written off.

Second story: My boy was visiting a wildlife park on the north coast, and an emu came alongside the car looking for a feed. Russ had anticipated this, and had purchased a bag of feed at the entry kiosk, hoping for some great close up action shots. Emu reaches the car, Russ winds down window and gives camera to daughter to take an action shot. Emu darts its head into car, knocks bag of feed out of Russ' hand. Not such a disaster, until the emu leaned right into the vehicle, and started snatching at the fallen feed, which was now scattered all over Russ' general genital area. Cue screaming and expletives as emu latches on to more than it should rightly have found in its meal. After the bird was frightened away, Russ asks daughter if she got any action shots. She is still purple in the face from laughing, and no, she didn't get any pictures, she was laughing so hard, she nearly wet herself.

All pain and no gain.
( Shazzoir Old enough to know better young enough not to care, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 12:49, Reply)

After having the fluffiest, tamest dwarf hamster ever
we took a pair of gerbils. They were nothing like their cuddly little predecessor,
they were muscular (could jump quite high), hard to tame, and constantly tried escape, often using teeth in the process.

Now, I used to carry the hamster around the house and the garden,
because I wanted it to see a bit of the world.

One day I was doing the same with one of the gerbils, but alas, it decided to make a run for it again,
leaped heroically from my hands and made contact with the kitchen floor with an unpleasant thud.

As it lay whimpering on the ground, I think "poor thing! what have I done?" and put out my hand to pick it up.

SNAP.

I danced around the kitchen yelping with the little bugger dangling from the end of my finger in a way you usually see in cartoons.

The ungrateful little rat sustained no lasting injuries from the incident.

it's not the size, it's what you do with it that counts
(Caustic Armadillo consists at least 30% out of custard, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 12:46, Reply)

Snakes.
Some nights i wake up and beat the shit out of this trouser snake. it seems to come back night after night.....sometimes twice!!
(C.J Hixon L.I.P, The drinking man's shipping forecast., Fri 3 Jun 2005, 12:44, Reply)

New Forest Pony in fight to the death
Many, many years ago whilst having a picnic in the New Forest a rather cheeky pony decided to help themselves to a family pack of crisps which my Mum had left in the car. For some reason, unexplained to this very day, my brother decided he wasn't having any of it and started having a go at the pony. Being wild, the pony wasn't taking no shit from a spotty little teenager so started to kick and bite him.
This is when I started laughing.
My brother, to his credit, started fighting back. Meanwhile the rest of the family, pulled up the picnic basket and enjoyed a ring side slug fest betwixt man and beast.
It seemed to go on for ever getting funnier by the minute. Eventually the beast won leaving my brother with a morbid fear of horses.
Me and my sisters all ended up working with horses at some stage in our lives, quite possibly as a direct consequnece of the entertainment they afforded us that fine summers day.
I still get tears in my eyes when I remember this, one of the funniest things I have ever, ever seen and I am still laughing about it.
( spingers, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 12:30, Reply)

When a teenager
the family went to Bristol Zoo, where my brother was pulling faces at the gorilla. The gorilla finally flipped, which is understandable with the fat cunt, ran over and punched the safety glass where my brother was stood. The glass is fucking strong, as it was the hardest punch i have ever witnessed, and the whole enclosure shook, with the glass rippling terribly for 10 seconds. The enclosure was shut for the rest of the day after that.
Just before this, a chimp shit on his hand and smeared it on the glass, again where my brother was stood, and then licked it off*
Perhaps they had heard on the ape grapevine, that it was the same child that had annoyed Guy the Gorilla at London Zoo a few years previously, which helped him snuff it the next day.

*chimp, not brother
( Ulic hissing slightly, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 12:17, Reply)

when i was but a likkle 4 year old
walking home from school i was eating some ready salted chipsticks, my hand in the packet, when a seagull foreran laser guided bombs by 10 years and got it in the packet and all over my hand as i am just lifting hand out towards gob at speed.
Apparantly i didn't stop screaming for an hour, and i still can't eat crisps outside, or indeed look at ready salted chipsticks
( Ulic hissing slightly, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 12:07, Reply)

First time poster...
Be gentle.

I have been bitten several times by crickets. To be fair I had stuck them in a tank with my dirty great big tarantula (known as Watson to his friends, his fate is another story). I would put my hand in the tank so that the spider could walk onto my hand, and the crickets would bite by, one bugger actually drew blood!


We used to have a kitten called Marmelade, who used to enjoy perching on peoples shoulders (rather like a furry orange parrot). I recall with great joy the day he decided to leap onto my dads shoulder and misjudged it. Marmelade lands on my dads back realises it's mistake and digs in it's claws to prevent an undignified fall, this causes my dad to start leaping about trying to dislodge the rather sharp cat stuck to his back, all the leaping and screaming obviously makes the cat hold on even tighter in turn causing more screams and jumping.

CC
(Captain Chickenpants, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 12:02, Reply)

I once got anally violated by a horse





_{and loved every minute of it.}
(MooCow_Byter, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 11:51, Reply)

chester zoo
ah the memories. every bloody primary school trip we ever went on was to chester zoo. the headmaster must have had fucking shares.

anyway.....

and so to the hippo enclosure. a majestic beast i think you'll agree. so much ooo-ing and ahh-ing was being done by the assembled masses of school kids as they trounced about. now then, this one hippo seemed friendlier than most, and wandered over to get a closer look at us.

clearly unimpressed, he turned arse towards us, and let rip a shit of hippocalyptic magnitude, flailing it to ever compass point imaginable with his tail in the process.

"cue" many hipposhit covered kids, and the most unpleasant bus journey home. ever.
(davidblunkettsdogblankets, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 11:27, Reply)

kamikaze pidgeon
A attempted kamikaze attack by a pidgeon on myself was thwarted by a patio window. Cue a *thump* followed by pidgeon on the floor completed dazed. Left the most amusing cartoon-like spred winged pidgeon outline from the feather oil that lasted 6months.
( -:Coop:-, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 11:25, Reply)

Grouped
Back in the day before being a father and a having mortgage left me poorer than the local schizophrenic wino, I could afford nice holidays.

One of these was to the Maldives. We had a nice bungalow right on a reef. Apart from Mrs Bohica having a run in with a fucking massive eel that was living beneath the steps that lead to the sea, everything was fine. It scared the bejeesus out of here. But that was her, not me, so it was OK.

One morning I'm out for a snorkel when I get rammed in the mask by trigger fish. I can't remember exactly what type - we just used to call these ones Benny's because they looked fucking stupid and sort of deserved the name.

Ho-ho, thought I. I can crush this thing. I am mankind, I rock. It had another go and, admiring its courage, I left it to its own devices. What I didn't know was it had some big mates.

A few minutes later I've dived over the reef drop-off and I'm about ten feet down when something catches my eye - the biggest single bastard-giant fish I've ever seen. I later learned it was a giant grouper.

The fucker was at least five feet long, four high and a foot thick with a mouth like Crazy Frog. It must have weighed close-on three hundred and fifty pounds. That's a lot of fish fingers. Foolishly I had one of those 'bonding with nature moments' and decided to swim alongside it for a bit.

It was that moment it decided to flick round and ram me in the side with, I believe, every intention of sending me to Davy Jones's locker. I lost all the air in my lungs and tried to flap it away. It reacted the way you'd expect a bastard-big fish, king of its bit of ocean would react - it had another pop at me.

My pathetic flapping turned into a desperate doggy paddle back to the service hoping it wouldn't follow. Thankfully it didn't.

There was nothing I could do about the grouper, but I was sure I was set up by that Benny.

I vowed to eat the colourful little fucker if I saw it again. Unfortunately the little bastard had fucked off. Proof, if any was needed, that I was the victim of its elaborate revenge plot.

The wanker.
( Bohica Anne Frank's Bukkaki Tentacle Storm, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 11:23, Reply)

Just married ... plus mouse
Mum and Dad had just got married and were trying to catch a mouse in the kitchen. It was early in the morning so my dad was only wearing a dressing gown and Mum was prodding about under the cupboard to get the mouse out. Dad, crouching by with a bowl to put over the mouse, was totally unprepared for this mouse to come flying out straight for his goolies.

Apparently he sprained his back his jumped so high ...
(Ginger Hobbit, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 10:53, Reply)

oh
and I gave a wild new forest horse thing a piece of chocolate fudge cake once and it fell in love with me and wouldnt let me walk off and was whinnying and it tried to make love to me and then it did make love to me and it had babies and I saw one of the babies and it waved at me with its twisted 5 fingered hoof.



/fact
( canyousmellonions? spirit is willing but flesh is spongy, and bruised, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 10:51, Reply)

we used to have
2 sheep and when we got bored playing football we used to 'sheep-ride' which means grabbing the wooly feckers arse fleece and it will run off with you sprinting along behind it like a welshman on viagra. whoever holds on longest wins (think rodeo). believe me sheep are strong as fuck, im 15 stone and i got flung into a fence.

anyway they ganged up on me with a goat we had too and twatted shit out of me in a corner and broke my nose.

i like ducks and kittens now.
( canyousmellonions? spirit is willing but flesh is spongy, and bruised, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 10:34, Reply)

Obligatory not me but....post
My grandad had a cat that was well known in the family for being a bit of a twat, all cute one minute, chewing your hand to the bone the next.

This cat, as most do, had a favourite place to sleep which was on top of the washing basket, which was kept in the bathroom. One day, my grandad was having a bath and the cat was in its usual place, asleep on the basket a couple of feet away. When my grandad finished his bath and got out, he knocked the basket which in turn startled the cat. Now, being the twat that the cat was its first reaction was to lash out at the nearest thing within clawing range. My grandad was not very tall and...well you can guess what happened next. Cue my grandad hopping around the room screaming in pain whilst the cat swung from his meat and two.
(Freakish, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 10:21, Reply)

I got hospitalised by a rabbit...
...Tripped over it and fell down some steps
(rhyswynne - on every social network mullarkey known to man, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 10:14, Reply)

The guineapig with a GSOH

I had guineapigs as a kid, they were great, if they heard you chopping vegetables in the kitchen (which their hutch/run was right outside) they would set up with that guineapiggy sound (there's no explaining it unless you've heard it, it sounds most like they are saying 'wiiinnkwiiinnnkwiiink'). if you crouched by their hutch with your knees making contact they would run across your lap and up your chest, they would sit on your arm and give little nudges as they settled their head snugly under your chin. I loved those little guys. Unfortunately we had to give them up for adoption to my bratty cousins when we began our great quest of moving around (a lot) and so it comes as no surprise that when at sweet 16 I found myself in a semi-permanent residence I felt the longing to get me a guineapig for company and to relive those wonderful days.

It hated me.

All it did all day was sneak around its hutch, if it heard me it would pelt into its sleeping compartment and refuse to come out. I fed it, I played with it, I cleaned it's stinking cage out regularly (well...kind of), I snuck it all sorts of good things to eat from the fruit and veg store I was whoring myself out at to afford this place, din't make a damned bit of difference. Only thing it never did though was bite me, it would pretend to, and used to threaten me all the time, but it never did it.

Eventually I got bored of this game, it became blindingly obvious that the little rodent didn't care for me and frankly I was past reminiscing about his wonderful predecessors, I offered him for sale in the local paper, hutch and everything included, £10. A woman turned up and it was obvious she just wanted a cheap hutch, did I care? no. I looked for all the world like I loved the little bugger, asked her to take good care of him, gave him a little scratch behind the ear. She asked me a few uninterested questions as she dug her purse out, mostly I answered creatively, then low and behold she asked the key one 'does he bite?'

'No! never' was my first entirely truthful answer. I looked down at him, he looked at me and very purposefully he lifted his head and sunk his teeth DEEP into my hand. I put him back into his hutch, took the tenner she handed me (with the hand not hidden behind my back), waved goodbye, watched her load the hutch into her car and drive away.

Screamed like a god damned lunatic cursing that fucker with every insult I could muster. My hand hurt for weeks and I still have the scar.

No apologies for length, if you really cared you wouldn't read as far as the apology anyway :)
( Jessie © needs pirate name suggestions, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 10:08, Reply)

This swan broke my arm
So I couldn’t wank, so when mum brought me my cup of tea I was actually texting my girlfriend about how that useless bastard icecream man had run out of icecream and was playing his damn song again, only guess who I sent it to instead? Yep – that twunt doorman who wouldn’t let me in.
(Sir Ian Blair, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 9:39, Reply)

school hamster
at junior school - the school hamster escaped.

me and another lad attempted to extract it from under a cupboard. I seized it, gently, and as I stood up it bit my finger.

I shook my hand in one of those OW! motherfuckerrr type motions and the hamster was flicked accross the room, much height, much velocity, no parachute.

the other lad was also bitten by the hamster and we were both despatched to the local doctors for a tetanus jab.

can't remember what happened to the hamster, prolly died of shock.
(sham-il-eer-tak-tak noes better but still can't give a fuck at, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 9:39, Reply)

Over-exploratory squirrel
Last September I was inter-railing round Eastern Europe with a friend, and Warsaw was the first stop on the grand tour. It was our first full day there, and we were exploring the delights of the city: one of them was a beautiful park.

Trying to be artsy, I decided I was going to take pictures of the squirrels which were scampering merrily about everywhere. And they weren't grey squirrels, they were red squirrels, which was quite exciting- I'd never seen red squirrels outside captivity! One of them ran across the path and halted right in the middle of it, looking up at me. He or she can't have been more than five feet away.
I started fiddling with the zoom on my camera trying to get a good shot. The squirrel has scampered a little closer; great I think, it'll be a wonderful photo.

Next thing I know the little rat is running up my trousers (the outside thank god), and I start shrieking 'GET IT OFF! JESUS CHRIST GET IT OFF!' My friend promptly runs away, and all these Polish people look at me as if I'm absolutely mad.

Scared the life out of the squirrel though!
(hakkety, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 9:18, Reply)