Bob
We have a little fluffy kitten called Bob, he is undoubtedly Satan incarnated in feline form. We've had him for about 8 months, and I still have scratches everywhere. My boyfriend managed to get multiple scratches down his torso, which made the most awful noise.
On to the cuter bits- he waits for you after you've showered, he has this little cubby hole he sits in and waits until you exit, then he pounces. Once I stopped before I got to his hideyhole, and waited. He crept out really quietly and did this animated look up from my feet up to my face. I could read his thinking 'Oh.. bugger'.
I think I can speak 'cat' - When he wants to go outside, Bob will meow at the lounge window, a lot. I started getting fed up and meowed back (yeah, sounds silly now) and he looked at me squarely, ran over and sort of cat-punched me, and then ran off again.

God only know what he'll be capable of when he grows up.
( dub-girl, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 20:11, Reply)

My old man's bell end
We thought it would be nice to get some rats as pets. When one ran up my fella's touser leg he came to the realisation that it 'felt quite nice', so he wouldn't let poor Fudgy out. Next thing I know he's ripping his pants off and dancing around the front room pulling Fudgy reluctantly off his knob. She just sits on the floor looking a bit shocked watching him hopping about peeing blood onto the floor. The doctor sewed him up, but I wouldn't have. The fucking pervert.
(poomypoo, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 20:02, Reply)

Goats
A few years ago, there used to be a large billy goat living in the neighbor's field behind our house. He had horns of rather frightening size. I affectionately dubbed him "Bastard" and shared my breakfast with him on the way to school every morning. One day, it was the weekend and I came outside later in the day. Bastard hadn't had any breakfast, and he was angry. I was charged by a furious goat with massive horns, and I ran back into the house. I went to the window, and he stayed outside for nearly an hour. The next day, I again came outside late, and Bastard charged me again. I ran to the car, and got inside, and the stupid thing circled the car for at least a half hour, putting scratches in it with the ends of it's horns. I explained later to my dad what had happened to his car. He was not pleased. I haven't seen that goat since.
(Fodqou, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 20:02, Reply)

When animals attack ...
When I was a fat 16-year old, wasps built a hive in the corner of our "summer kitchen," basically a ratty, unheated addition to the house that was screened in.

My friend and I, hearing all of the unseen activity behind the crack in the boards decided that the only logical thing to do was blast the hell out of the general area with our pellet guns (one was air-powered single shot rifle, the other CO2-powered six shooter). The object, of course, was to roust them out.

Our efforts were highly successful. The wasps exited en masse, spotted me (my buddy had retired to a safe distance), and congregated on my porcine person, punishing me for my misdeeds. I actually got on my bicycle and rode like hell, trying to get away from the pain. It didn't work.
(Just a stub, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 19:46, Reply)

Geese
I have been attacked by geese a few times... I used to go run a few kilometers every day in this park where they had some animals (racoons and dears and stuff in cages) but they also had regular ducks and geese running around. Now this one canadian goose had little geese (geeselings?) and she was quite protective, one time she just came after me and I started running with the goose behind me. another time I was doubting which way to go, I could either pass by her or take another route. I doubted too long and she decided to come after me instead... so I was running again. And then this other time there was a couple on a bench along the road kissing and stuff, they must have been very surprised when they first saw me running past them in one direction and then a few seconds later seeing me sprint pas them in the other direction with a goose flying to my head...

I've been plotting revenge... though my plans have never left the scheming-stage.
(NoToRiouS, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 19:31, Reply)

Japanese Fighting Snake attacks owner...
....much to my amusement.

I called down my friends house, who decided to buy one of these snakes. His dad is there as well, and we're all having a chat about the snake.

Jason, the snake owner, turns to me and makes me hold this snake. It's only about a foot long, so I'm not all that worried about it. It's then that I notice that the snake is trying to go for my face. I'm not happy. I turn around and say to Jason "Get the fecker off me, he's going for my face." Jason laughs and says not to worry as he's been fed, but I'm close to freaking now as this fecker's stretched out and almost at my chin. Jason grabs the snake off me and says something daft like "Don't be a baby", and as soon as he finishes the sentence the snake spins around in his hand and bites him through the loose bit of skin which is between his thumb and fore-finger. Jas also decides that this is a good point to scream like a baby, as shit loads of blood starts pouring out of the cut.

Jason's dad smiles, and says "See boy, he's been fed" :D
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 19:24, Reply)

evil kitty
Sitting at a mate's house, just before new year's, having a happy night full of Stella and pills and general randomness.

Said mates owned a kitten, which took an instant dislike to me. I'm sat on a chair in the kitchen, smoking with one hand, other hand hanging down by my side, and ranting on to my mates about something.

Kitten wandered over. I ignored it. Continued ranting. Mates later pointed out that the kitten had been clawing my hand to pieces for the past 40 minutes and that I was now bleeding quite heavily.

THIS IS WHY I DO NOT LIKE CATS.

They have it in for me, I swear to god they do.
(sporky, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 19:19, Reply)

Llamas are satans horse....
After feeding said beast, the ears go back, hear a rumble in its throat and *phlurph* snot sandwich... Lucky it was my mate though....... Heheheh
Then at same park, I get pecked by an Emu... Serves me right for pissing myself laughing.
( Goriath, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 19:13, Reply)

pesky mice!
Whilst saving it from the cat's jaws of death the small mouse in question thought it would be a great idea to run right up my trouser leg. For fear of my ladybits/legs recieving a nasty nip I hastily abandoned said trousers and proceeded to leap/dance/spaz out around the back patio much to my mum and sister's delight.

Now I know it didn't technically attack me, but it could have turned nasty! The bastard thing probably got eaten by the cat later on anyway...
(TruckfulsOfWoo, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 19:08, Reply)

Brooding Seagulls
Around this time every year a pair of seagulls nest on the building oppsite my office. For the following month or so, we're entertained by the gulls swopping down and twatting any guy (women are left alone for some strange reason) that walks past. Ususally the victims don't notice all the squawking and are oblivious to the first attack. After that they either stand and take a few swipes at it with thier briefcase/umbrella or run for cover.

To make things even better I work in a Police building with mirrored windows, so as the person is running off, all they can hear are laughs coming from behind the mirrored windows.
(StevieMcK, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 18:26, Reply)

Swans and rottweilers!
Once, when I was about eight years old, I was in Germany with my family. We were next to a lake, and I decided to feed the swans. The swan I was feeding noticed my sparkly shoelaces, and proceeded to chase me around the lake.

Then, more recently, my neighbors went on vacation, leaving their evil rottweilers. I was going to collect their newspaper, as they requested, and I found out that one of them had escaped. It chased me up to their fence, so I jumped over it- and turned around to see the other mean bastard right behind me. I have never run so fast in my life...
(Fodqou, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 17:57, Reply)

Fuggin rad- python stories I just remembered
Once I was out hiking and saw a five-foot long Burmese Python. It was cool. I showed it to another hiker thinking he would appreciate the coolness of a five-foot long Burmese Python. Apparently he didn't. He ran away and came back with a large rock poised over his head.

But by far my favorite python story comes from a friend of my boyfriend who grew up in India. Back in the school days, the kiddies were on a bus on their way to what was sure to be a rollicking good field trip. Suddenly, "BA-WHUMP!", the bus jolts as it drives over a huge bump in the road. A python had just had a gi-normous meal and, as one tends to do when one is a python with a full belly, stretched out on the warm black road to digest his meal. The kids gawping out the bus windows got the treat of not only seeing a huge python flattened by a schoolbus, but also seeing the python's stomach split open and the contents, a half-digested deer, spilling out onto the road.

I did manage to convince the hiker not to kill the first python. What can I say, there's too much unnecessary python death these days.
(Mabel DelTaco, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 17:53, Reply)

Meet The Parents
I got bit my an eel years ago. Met my now ex-girlfriends parents last night in a restaurant near St Pauls Cathedral. They're 'catholic, very prudish and frown upon swearing' she tells me. As the meal weren't til 8 I popped out for 6 Kronenburgs and turned up a little lively and half hour late. Dearest Jemmas daddy had ordered for me and informs me: "Rob, I took the pleasure of ordering you a seafood platter", to which my reply (thinking I'm fucking hilarious BTW was "Eurgh, I don't like eels. Slippery fuckers they are". Cue red faces and me slipping out when I was en route to the toilet.
Might as well have said I'm a fuckin muslim too (im not).

EDIT: Oh shit, wrong one.
(makavel1, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 17:43, Reply)

Evil fucking huge spider thing of death
round folks house the other day, all of a sudden i have a huge spider on my shoulder with fangs of fucking death and poison dripping mantis like arms about to plunge its jaws into my neck.. que me screaming until my 16yr old brother brushes the tiny thing off my shouder and i can breath again.

no i dont like fucking spiders ok!
(8cidburn, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 17:30, Reply)

once when i was five, i hit a bee with a tennis racquet. it stung me in the cheek. i cryed
( polar ice is done for 4 months, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 17:27, Reply)

Thankfully not quite an attack
I had to walk my dad's dog, and I'm not particularly fond of dogs, in fact I pretty much hate them but this one was ok. Anyway it had no lead as it was well trained and I was following it as it knew the way better than I did. Walking past some house and suddenly these two fucking huge alsatians came charging out the house, my dad's dog scarpered, followed by the alsatians, followed by a short angry Welsh woman bellowing at her dogs to come back.

I stood there speechless for a moment, reluctant to follow the path of the woman and her alsatians but I had to get me dad's dog back so I cautiously walked up the path a bit.

Soon I come across the woman dragging her alsatians back along the path.

I'm stood there petrified at the sight of this tiny demon lady shouting obscenities whilst barely managing to hold on to her struggling mad dogs, and then she just looked up at me, smiled in what I assume was a cheerful way and uttered the immortal line (EVERY dog owner EVERYWHERE no matter HOW big and vicious looking their dog is ALWAYS says this as their dog is looking to rip your head off) -

"don't worry, they're harmless."


Took me bloody ages to find my dad's dog as well.
(therocker, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 16:55, Reply)

Sameranda
I have had a close escape from an ostrich too.

Jaws

CC
(Captain Chickenpants, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 16:54, Reply)

Several incidents
As a small child, I was pissed on by a tiger at the circus... It just lifted it's tail and let rip, right through the bars...

At age 20, I was running to Taekwondo training, and something came hurtling at me out of the dusk. I instinctively left hooked it, catching it cleanly, and looked down to see a dog running away yelping with its owner crying "Oh my God, you've hit Charlie! Charlie, are you OK?"

At age 14, I saw a dog try to bum a cat. The cats legs went akimbo, it dropped it's weight, and ran like, well, a partially bummed and totally terrified feline
(gavD, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 16:53, Reply)

bloody cows
Yesterday me and my sister were walking through our local fields (country bumpkins we be) and she thinks it is a "good idea" to take a shortcut through a certain field so we get home quicker and she can eat her tea. So for once, I listen to her and hippity-hop over a stile into a deceptively empty-looking field.
Next thing I know a line of cows, with horns, appear on the horizon and start heading for us. My sister immediatly turns around and does a gay little girl-run back onto the path. Now I'm already halfway across the field so choose to keep walking, thinking if I keep my back to them they won't chase me.
Wrong wrong wrong. They all start running. With their heads down. Not looking like they're just coming to say "Hello".
So I try another tack - turning around and yelling incomprehensible bollocks at them whilst pointing and waving. Hoping to scare them off. Bear in mind I'm a small blonde girl and these are really fat fucking cows. I'm sure the ginger one sneered at me as it aimed it horns at my head and accelerated.

I had to do a comedy dive into a hedge then sprint out of the field in a very undignified manner whilst my sister and a random farmer laughed from behind the safety of a wall. Bastards. The farmer even had the cheek to say "They won't 'urt ya, luv". A stampede of about twenty bulls, horns lowered, wouldn't hurt me.

Stupid no-brain grass-chewing arsehole of a farmer.
(mrmistoffeles, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 16:52, Reply)

Ostrich Terror
On holiday when I was about 4 years old, I was toddling happily around a trout farm with my little polystyrene cup of 'trout feed' when a wandering ostrich came up and pecked the damn thing out of my hands.
Bearing in mind it was about twice my height I have to say it has lodged in my brain as one of my scariest ever childhood moments.
I got my own back a couple of months ago by eating an ostrich steak. (By the way it tasted just like cow steak, quite disappointing.)
Also quite nasty, I got charged by a Guernsey cow, I was stroking this thing when it put its head down and went fully gung-ho at me. I ended up running backwards and luckily it was tethered to a post and it got snapped backwards by its head when the rope ran out. Ha! (It survived)
(Sameranda, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 16:51, Reply)

Our insane gender bending bionic hamster
Doris "take no prisoners" Arse (why shouldn't animals have surnames too?)spent his/her time in captivity lifting weights, crawling upside down on the ceiling of the cage and plotting the break out.
The day it happened,Doris pulled a Houdini out of the cage which was on a shelf about 5 feet off the ground. Undeterred, Doris made the jump and landed on the kitchen floor where he/she was assaulted first by our hermaphrodite cat, then our jack russell but was saved miraculously by my brother.
He handed Doris to me to hold while he fixed the cage and Doris took this opportunity to bite through the side of my finger until her teeth met in the middle. Imagine the scene- me squealing in pain holding an albino hamster wo was covered in my blood and panting in homicidal excitement. I still have the scar but Doris died in her jail cell a year later at a ripe old age having made over a dozen escape attempts and drawn blood from 3 other people. A legend.
(BadKittyDirtyKitty, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 16:50, Reply)

Dark, stormy weekend
and my friend had left my passenger-side car window rolled down for about 48 hours. Of course, as we were making to go down to the bars, I had had more to drink than he had, making him the designated driver.

As I approached the passenger door, seeing the open window, I began cursing at his swarthy Ukranian stupidity. Such violence startled the kitty who had sought shelter from the rain and she leapt out, clawing my favorite hoody and shrieking bloody cat-murder before running off into the night.

"But wait," you ask, "how did you know she was a she?"

Well, BECAUSE SHE HAD FUCKING BABIES UNDER THE SEAT OF MY FUCKING CAR. Cute little buggers, despite being mucus-covered and covered in the old bits of sandwich that gets swept under a car seat.

We cancelled our bar-going, and waited about for mum to return, but she was obviously a deadbeat. Called animal control who took 'em off for medical experiments or something. Nobody offered to steam-vac the catbirthing from my upholstery.
(ZugZwang refuses to update his profile., Fri 3 Jun 2005, 16:48, Reply)

Gerbil Jewellery
My brother was convinced that his new pet gerbil was purring when he stroked it. As he held it close to his ear to listen to it's chattering, the gerbil sunk his overgrown front teeth into Matt's earlobe. Not happy with the immense pain he had caused by the piercing, he decided to hold on for a bit while Matt danced round the room. How I laughed.
That was the end of the brother-gerbil friendship.
(imgoodsell, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 16:42, Reply)

Alsatian melon
As a 9 year old on holiday in Rhodes I was snorkelling along the beach - sort of beside it truth be told - invisible apart from a jellyfish of stripy blond hair and a 4 shekel snorkel.

I swam passed a greek couple who were playing throw the water melon to the alsatian - I can't actually how big it must have been to carry a watermelon when I think about it, but it must have had a great deal of length and girth - Anyway, they threw the watermelon past me into the sea, the dog ran in and dragged my melon like head back onto the beach, attached to my screaming red face.

To rub salt into the wound, I had to go to the police station and tell them I had been baiting the dog so they didn't shoot it. And spend the remainder of my holiday with tampon shaped things sewn to my head.

I was also savaged aged 6 by a hemaphrodite called Freddies' alsatian. When I fell off a wall I was no doubt athletically sprinting along, he/she picked me up the dog assisted by launching itself into my leg and helping to carry that a bit further away. That dog didn't get shot either.

I don't like alsatians much but the puppies have good ears.
(ftumch, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 16:35, Reply)

Jellyfish
On tour to Malta last year, day trip out on a boat. Beautiful weather, cruising along under blue skies, reach a lagoon where we stop for lunch and go for a swim off the boat. 2 minutes into my swim, gazing at the coral depths and admiring the sea floor, a damn jellyfish comes out of nowhere and stings my left knee visciously. Cue me swallowing mouthfuls of water in my distress, swimming fast towards the boat (where two others had been equally unfortunate and were being patched up), and vowing NEVER to swim in jellyfish-infested waters ever again. It stung SO bad!!
( nononononoyes, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 16:31, Reply)

In a tent
When I was a teenager my parents took myself and my brother camping down Cornwall somewhere, putting this huge tent in their friend's garden next to their pond. The friends could house our parents, but not us, so we slept in the tent. Cue usual scenario of who gets the best part of the tent the furthest away from the door, arguements ensue, parents separate the fighting etc etc. All settles down. Nearly asleep when I see the little bro's sleeping bag moving up and down, I thought you disgusting horrible w*anker, why do it now ? I'm just about to yell at the top of my voice when lo and behold there's something going up and down at the foot of my sleeping bag. Looking around the tent, there's loads of things going up and down.

TOADS

They'd got in through the zip stupid bro had left open. So now we are both hollering and toad throwing, getting the foul things out of our bags and off our stuff, attracting parents to our demise. Moral : don't go camping.

We had to sleep in the back of the car :(
( Tiggy the diver, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 16:26, Reply)

Ooh, I don't want to relive the pain again,
so i'll just link : b3ta.com/questions/embarrassinginjuries/post13407/

Stupid rat.
( ArghZombies No longer has a Leaky QUIM, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 16:23, Reply)

The ever popular 'Not be but a friend' story...which is also off topic as he attacked the animal
Story goes...

Mate and a few friends camping out in countryside, tripping on mushrooms, have an axe randomly(if you knew the guy you'd understand), decide to play the game 'Throw the axe at a sheep'.

Expecting that the sheep would be far more agile than sheep actually are, 'unexpectedly' after a few throws the axe manages to embed itself in the side of said sheep.

My friend then feeling sorry for the sheep then decides it needed to be put out of its misery, him and his friends then proceeded to hack the sheep to death and then chop off its legs....ahhh hallucniogenic drugs will make people do the strangest things.
(Inglorious_Other, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 16:21, Reply)

Digby was the bigest dog but had the smallest cock.
I once took a fully grown nanny goat,
stood it up, against a wall, high on it's hind legs and punched it in the fucking face.

NO ONE 'LAUGHS' AT JINDOD!
(JinDod, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 16:20, Reply)