The Big C
I once worked with a welsh twat named Darran who was a bit of a compulsive liar. Having recovered from his "broken back", he called in with cancer.

The cancer excuse worked for a fair while, and involved fortnight-long trips to the US for treatment or suchlike. His hair and eyebrows disappeared from the chemo. Then one day it was mentioned to him that he was lucky he still had eyelashes, and when they were gone the next day it became obvious he was a lying twunt, to the great offence of those co-workers who had in fact lost family members to cancer.

He didn't last long after that.
( wangmaster2000, Fri 9 Jun 2006, 13:38, Reply)

Not me but in an office I worked at.
The head of accounts (not the financial director but day to day stuff) asked for compassionate leave as the aunt who had brought her up after her parents died needed a hip replacement and she 'owed it to her' to look after her. She got three months off to do this as she was so convincing. Three months later she had not come back and we could not contact her on any of the numbers she had given. At this point someone started looking at the accounts a bit harder and it turned out that she had created quite a few fake companies, which strangely enough had payments which ended up at the same bank acount - hers. After the police had been called, we found out that she had not been at her aunt's house in Devon, but was serving time in prison for an identical offence of fraud that she'd carried out at her previous place of employment. About six months after she'd been replaced by a very well checked and referenced accountant, she had the nerve to put us down as referees for, yes, another job in accounts! I believe they politely declined.
( The Cat's Mother Not a People Person., Fri 9 Jun 2006, 13:38, Reply)

I'm dead
I once phoned in sick saying I was dead. I went in later that day and nobody batted an eyelid.

Score.
( The BrownHaze, Fri 9 Jun 2006, 13:38, Reply)

I know someone...
Who dissapeared from school for about a week and came back saying they had had anthrax.
As you do.
(Pigmash, Fri 9 Jun 2006, 13:37, Reply)

I can't come to work today because ....
... my dog's got really awful diarrhoea and I need to get him to the vet.

No manager will stay on the phone discussing liquid dog faeces first thing in the morning. He'll just go "eeeeewwww" and expect you in the next day.
( Gilgamesh gazed in wonder as Frampton came alive, Fri 9 Jun 2006, 13:32, Reply)

No way!
This wasn't me but a guy I used to work with was always calling in sick with silly excuses the best excuse I ever heard from him was....

I can't come in today, my flatmate won't do the dishes and everytime I look at them it makes me feel sick!
(Fran, Fri 9 Jun 2006, 13:30, Reply)

I used to get really nasty chest colds, that made me wheeze
as if i was having a really bad asthma attack... so I was given some inhalers and more or less told to get on with it... Then after a few days they discovered that I was allergic to the things... so they gave me liquid ventalin. Now.

That stuff can affect you in a few ways, one of them is it makes you look awful as you sit shaking and trembling, so... (can you guess whats coming next?)

if I fancied a day or 2 off, quick slug of that stuff and off I went**


**for fucks sake dont be trying that at home its dodgy stuff, one slug too many and you wont be able to walk...

All the usual suspects have been done as well, (nasty cold/flu/the runs/headache etc) usually after a night out, but always, always made to look worse than they actually were... but when you work for yourself, you suddenly find that you dont need to make excuses anymore :-)
( TBL I posted this on, Fri 9 Jun 2006, 13:19, Reply)

Before she'd even started.
The office junior at work was moved to become a secretary and so they advertised for a new one. New girl was subsequently appointed and an email sent round stating that this new girl was going to start the following day.

She didnt show- but rang in sick. Fair enough. You at least start your job that you went for an interview for and accepted a few days earlier befpre throwing sickies right? Next day- sick again. Er ok. 3rd day- not a peep- we ring to enquire where she was and got a very bizarre garbled message and then she hung up!

Bizarre- surely- 'dont want the job, thanks' wouldve saved face all round!
(Keyser Soze, Fri 9 Jun 2006, 13:14, Reply)

Double vision, inflamed brain bits
I was actually ill with this a year or so ago. I woke up one sunday morning with double vision...I was slightly concerned so went the NHS direct route. I was questioned about drink and rugs and so on. The double-vision 'expert' didn;t know what was wrong with me. A day and a half later I had MRI scans and spinal tap etc. and it turned out that the bit of my brain that controls my eyes moving in sync was inflamed. Woo loads of steroids made me feel better. Not that funny but it's my only sicky story apart from 'colds', 'stomach bugs' and the like
(bap, Fri 9 Jun 2006, 13:07, Reply)

I sat up round a mates house years ago...
...snorting loads of speed and making tunes. I finally got home about 8am and phoned work.

I told them that my little sister had small pox and that my house had been quaranteened until we could be immunised.

Nobody batted an eyelid!? RESULT!
(A Hospital Carpark, Fri 9 Jun 2006, 12:59, Reply)

At my old job in London...
...we got a new girl in the accounts dept. On her first day she went to lunch and then phoned a couple of hours later to say she would be a bit late back, as she'd gone for a walk and was lost. That was the last we ever saw of her.
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Fri 9 Jun 2006, 12:58, Reply)

My favourite - not really a sicky but a great skive
When i was a travelling sales rep, I used to be sent all over the country to the most god-foesaken places on earth. To Combat this, i devised a somewhat ingenious solution :

I stayed at home.

My boss would regularly phone me while i was 'in my car' to check how i was getting on with the journey. To counter-act this, I recorded a sample of my car engine noise, complete with a couple of indicator clicks and engine revs for good measure on my laptop, which i could start at a moments notice while the phone was ringing.

Excellent. Well, it was - until my doorbell went during one such 'trip'. I told him it was a warning light on the car as the engine kept overheating. Got away with it!

~~~~~a couple of months later~~~~~~~

I was unfortunately forced to work for a whole 2 weeks when i loaned the laptop to my boss to do a presentation so could not perform the trick - oh well - 2 weeks out of 52 aint bad.

A little while afterwards, I was up to my usual tricks (ie slobbing around on b3ta and looking for random monkey porn etc) when i should have been working... The phone goes, so i quickly reach for the shortcut on my desktop to the recorded car sample -

Imagine my horror when i find it has been replaced with one of my boss saying 'you're fired - now f*ck off'.

Moral of the story? never skive off work Never lend your boss your laptop if it has incriminating evidence on it.
(well its not going to suck itself yadda yadda yadda, Fri 9 Jun 2006, 12:55, Reply)

Boozehound blues...
Being a Government drone i'm barely at my desk half the time anyway so have no need to pull sickies - the only times i've called in have been when i'm genuinely sick or injured.

However, drinking is a bit of a grey area, is being sick due to over-indlugence worthy of guilt? I think not.

I once had a couple of days off for cycling into a wall after a bottle of Jack Daniel's, and on another occasion I had haangover so bad I had to come home at lunchtime, claiming flu, and I had to take an extra day off, because flu doesn't clear up in 24 hours as we all know :-D

My mate works in the music industry. He called in to go to a gig, not realising his boss was attending as well. I mean, that's something you'd check right? He was fired on the spot. Twat!
(Jay Tea, Fri 9 Jun 2006, 12:52, Reply)

One from the days of school
My parents were in the middle of re-decorating my room and had painted it that morning. Foolishly, I decided that I would be fine sleeping in that room.

Oh no.

Cue me waking up at 5am, dizzier and more disorientated than any drinking session I've had. (with none of the fun parts) Eventually spewed halfway en route to the toilet and eventually was found by my mum watching Thomas the Tank Engine Got the day off school despite feeling absolutely fine after throwing up. Silly parents, hehehehe...
( Iki I think my camel is dead., Fri 9 Jun 2006, 12:52, Reply)

Disappearing black eye
My mum used to work as a Receptionist, and the temps they used to send to help her out were all complete twunts. One, however, somehow managed to stay on permanently.

I went home for 5 weeks before going travelling, and this girl never worked more than a few days combined the whole time. She lied about funerals, illnesses, family problems and car crash accidents, including a black eye which magically disappered overnight. She never threw a sickie herself, and instead chose various members of her dysfunctional family to call my mum with various conflicting stories, as well as occasionally roping in her thick-as-pig-shit boyfriend to cover up her tracks. She usually just went shopping.

Her most lengthy lie was when she lied about possibly having polycystic ovarian syndrome. For weeks, she complained about stomach cramps and vomiting and eventually 'had to be hospitalised'.

Although my mum knew this was a bunch of crud, she had to play along. After a few weeks, the site manager wanted to sent the stupid bint some flowers and when they rang up the hospital, they found out she was in a completely different ward than she originally claimed, and was actually staying in the maternity ward.

She returned to announce that she was pregnant, and seemed to forget all of her other illnesses and operations she claimed to have had. So she then left on maternity leave and is for some reason still considered a valued member of staff.

She nearly gave my poor mum a nervous breakdown with her constant lying and backstabbing, so I hope something VERY VERY BAD happens to her one day.

Thankyou please.
(heartspark, Fri 9 Jun 2006, 12:50, Reply)

This isn't particularly amusing
A trainee at my place called in sick every day for 2 weeks. She then stopped bothering to call in sick at all, and none of us ever saw her again. Got someone else in not long after, and to my knowledge no one ever did find out what had happened. Pretty sure she hadn't died though.
(yiddo, Fri 9 Jun 2006, 12:45, Reply)

My late father
If you were to trace my work attendance records back over the last 8 years you'd find that he has in fact passed away a total of 11 times for various reasons.

Hey, what can I say? it's a good 2 weeks off for bereavement (make sure he passes away in the summer) plus another 3 days for the funeral in Ireland :-)

I've only been caught out once thus far so it's not all bad.

I do however get a *slight* pang of guilt when the sympathy cards and collection arrive on my desk upon my return though. The collection goes to charity as I'm not that much of a cunt : )
(small-non-bearded-gentleman-of-indistinguishable-origin, Fri 9 Jun 2006, 12:45, Reply)

A friend of mine
has had

.Stomach Flu which she recovered from next day
.Normal Flu (Two day recovery!)
.Claimed Liver failure (Back within 3 days, no jaundice, pain or anything)
.Kidney failure (Ohh yeah this gets worse)
.Severe case of Diarrhea (back within a day)
.Developed ME *rolls eyes*
.Broke two of her ribs
.Got flu again.

All in a two week period.

She got away with it all Scott free.
(Pimms'N'Lemonade thinks you are a twat, prove me wrong., Fri 9 Jun 2006, 12:44, Reply)

Symptoms
A mate in my old job once phoned in to say he wouldn't be coming in that day as he has symptoms. didn't feel the nead to explain which ones and never got asked!

legend
(Starzy had a headache on, Fri 9 Jun 2006, 12:42, Reply)

Blisters
A few years ago I was staying at my posh old aunt's house and we were about to have dinner.

Being posh, she always warms the plates before eating. Being old she sometimes forgets how long they've been heating for.

I pride myself on my asbestos fingers so I always take the plates out the 'cool oven' (posh!) bare handed. On this occasion I shouldn't have.

I yelped lots and tried not to drop the two £50 plates on her floor, which resulted in my getting 3rd degree burnes to each of my finger tips (well there were blisters on most of them)

I phoned in sick for the next 2 days to my crapy data-input summer job using the excuse that my fingers hurt too much to type. Complete rubbish but on the third day I still had blisters so they couldn't complain.

Hurrah!!!!!!!!!
(chemgirl, Fri 9 Jun 2006, 12:36, Reply)

err - I mean Headache... shit
One fine wednesday evening I went over to my mate Jimmy's and pick up a small amount of the 'erb (back in the day). Next thing I know its daylight and we've been swallowing/sniffing/smoking/drinking everything we can lay our hands on and I'm supposed to drive to work (unlikely). Time for a sickie.

Tried to get hold of several people who would be 'understanding' of my predicament. No Luck.

So I call my boss - no answer - voice mail. I leave the following message:

"Morning Mel - I'm afraid I can't come in today I've got a terrible hangover... I mean headace... ... ...shit.

I'll let you know when I feel better."

and I hang up (this was pre 'to re-record your message'...).

Turns out that she was off ill for the next few days and when she got back all she said was
'Morning Patch - hows the headace'

Oh - and she forwarded the VM to pretty much the entire company.
(Shifty weeeee, Fri 9 Jun 2006, 12:33, Reply)

funerals
if my excuses were correct, my gran will have died about 5 times and i'll have attended each funeral!
(Jimmy Splash, Fri 9 Jun 2006, 12:29, Reply)

Excuse
I'm sorry that I don't have a good QOTW answer this week. I've been incredibly sick and couldn't leave the toilet long enough to type a decent one out. Would you give me a one-week extension?

/hopes nobody else has done this yet.
(racetraitor has an alibi for, Fri 9 Jun 2006, 12:28, Reply)

Sea Sickness
My mate asked me to call her in sick to her numpty bar job.

I rang and said she had an inner ear problem and as a result had lost her balance and kept falling over.

They didn't believe me and she got sacked, but we got to keep the waistcoat she was supposed to give back
(Jugular, Fri 9 Jun 2006, 12:19, Reply)

don't push it too hard..
As an employer and ex-sickie puller there is a golden rule to not sounding like a lying twat.
NEVER mention more than two ailments at once i.e.

I can't come in today I have stomach ache, diarhea AND a headache.
(this is a lie)

More acceptable
I can't come in today I have the shits something rotten.

You see, it is very simple.

NOTE TO MY STAFF...YOU ARE NOW UNABLE TO HAVE ANY DAYS OFF SICK IF YOU HAVE READ THIS. HA.
(dukefukem, Fri 9 Jun 2006, 12:14, Reply)

I used to work at weekends...
which, as you can imagine, sucked.

I love scuba diving, have been diving for ages and have dived in many sites all over Scotland.

One day the dive club decide that a whole weekend trip to Isle of Mull would be in order. I couldn't afford the whole weekend, so I decided to go the Sunday. One problem - work.

Because me and another girl were leaving very early on the Sunday morning (5 in the morning...Mull is quite far away and we wanted to be on the dive boat by 9) I had to phone and arrange cover the night before. It was a small shop and would have been shut if I hadn't got someone in.

I get my cover on the phone. I tell her that I've fallen down some stairs at my mates house. I'm stranded at her place (I actually was - she lives quite far from my home, but she was closer to Mull!) and can't possibly drive down. Much pity ensues and she rings off with the final words "Make sure you phone the shop tomorrow though, to speak to the manager".

Bugger.

Up at 4am, leave at quarter to five, and on the dive boat at 9. Have my first dive of the day, everything's awesome, and everyone thinks it's hilarious that I've pulled a sickie.

Until I remember I have to phone the shop.

And that's how I ended up lying on the bottom of a boat in the middle of the sea, phone shoved up under my dive hood so my manager can't hear the noise of the waves/engine/gulls/wind/big hairy divers pissing themselves laughing at my theatrics.

What made it worse was the fact I had to wear a bandage on my "injured" ankle for the next few shifts at work.

I now have another job with a male manager. "Women's problems" is a much easier/neater excuse.
(The Oncoming Storm, Fri 9 Jun 2006, 12:11, Reply)

Workshy Fops!
In seven years at my current job, i haven't once phoned in sick, either with an actual or imaginary complaint.

The glorious British empire wasn't built on people deciding they don't feel very well. I mean, if Nelson had taken a sickie at the Battle of Trafalgar, we'd all be eating garlic and talking like gayers now. That fucker had his arm blown off and his eye shot out and he still turned up for work the next day!

However, i do steal things from work. It's your duty as an oppressed worker.
( 100% Cock Raw like carrots., Fri 9 Jun 2006, 12:09, Reply)

I worked with a guy we nicknamed "Pfoo"
... because that was the noise he made when he slumped in his chair, just before he said, "if I feel like this tomorrow, I'm not coming in!"

Another colleague checked his records and found Pfoo always took one less sickday each year than would result in his pay being docked.

We kept a spreadsheet of his sickdays, and found that there was an almost exact correlation of his illnesses and when the cricket was on the telly. Said colleague once announced, "in two days time, Pfoo will announce that if he feels like this tomorrow then he's not coming in". He was right.
( teedyay, Fri 9 Jun 2006, 12:01, Reply)

My friend Adey
once phoned in claiming "I've gone blind".

He came back the next day, saying, "I got better".

He was never challenged on this.
( teedyay, Fri 9 Jun 2006, 11:57, Reply)

also, Telesales chav
some dense twunt decided to employ a chav butch girl for a telesales job. She had no experience, and even less interest.

She used to pull sickies around the weekend to get that extra bit of a break and got away with it everytime.

The worst was when she came into work, half an hour late, was at her desk talking on her personal mobile for 10 minutes, then announced that she absolutely must go home.

Manager says:
why, what's up?

Telesales chav says:
The dog has ate the chicken.

She got the day off.

Weeks later she got the sack.
(Carling, pint of, Fri 9 Jun 2006, 11:56, Reply)