always gets people
I work in a hippy/head/new age type shop now I don't make a habbit of being rude to the customers but do get some daft people comming in asking lots of silly questions.

The question at the top of the list is always "so do you have magical powers then?" and my answer generally goes something along the lines of "they are obviously on the blink today because you are still standing there!". Now normally people just laugh nervously but one day this guy just turned on his heels and went to walk out, before he got to the door I managed to blurt out "oh no they are working"
( flurokitty 3, 2, 1 lets jam! (+.[___]·:·), Thu 29 Apr 2004, 15:55, Reply)

This isn't strictly one of mine
I think a mate told me about it but I might be wrong...

Basically he was getting abuse from a stupid chav/charver at a Metro station so he told the charver to "fuck off" the charver puffs out his chest and says "Here! d'yee naa who me dad is?" in a my dad is a dangerous criminal kind of way to which he replies "No. Do you?"
( fassit is old, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 15:53, Reply)

Not me but my Mate..
He was once having an argument with a girl who was in our room at the time (school trip to berlin)

she said:"yeh nice comeback..."
He said:"if I wanted my cum back I'd whipe it off your face"

That shut her up :D

Ahh kermandy how I miss ye.
(Shifty Bloke, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 15:52, Reply)

Adoption
One of my best mates repeatedly calls me fat (mainly cos he's an 8 stone streak of piss). He's also adopted.

At a gig:

Him: "You really are a fat useless bastard"
Me: "At least I've got a mum"
Him: *sob*
( Fenris temporary Lazarus, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 15:49, Reply)

Sorry thought of another one...
When someone's telling you a REALLY boring story, interrupt them and say "I had an overdue library book once" and walk off. Classic.
(Joons, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 15:47, Reply)

Homeless Bloke
Whilst sitting outside a boozer in London with a couple of mate's the other summer we were approached by a tramp who, to be fair to him had decided that normal begging practises weren't earning him enough money for a can of Special Brew, approached us with this little ditty "come on guys give it a try, give some money to a homeless guy" to which one of my mates turned round and said "fuck off mate, you're wedged up"
(Joons, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 15:42, Reply)

Not a response to an insult as such
but still one I am proud of:

Departmental boss at WHSmith busy sorting out Christmas party stuff, grabbed me as I went past: - "weevil, do you drink red wine?"

Me:- "Of course." *puzzled look* "What else would I do with it?"
( weevilstepmother, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 15:40, Reply)

At dinner in college once
I was having customary trouble articulating a joke. My friend commented, 'Keep trying, you'll make a joke'. I remain very proud of my lightning-fast retort: 'What, like your parents did?'
(DoctorJ last upset some twat who doesn't like swearing on, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 15:37, Reply)

You touch your mum.
Universal comeback. Cannot be bettered. Ever.
(Stripper Vicar, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 15:26, Reply)

You're Gay.
Their was a group of kids at school who always picked on someone for a lesson. Unfortunatly I was flavour of the week.

So, there I am, cault in class two tables infront of them...
"You're gay, I bet you like to suck dick..."
- "no"
"Bet you do, you fuckin' fag."
- "no"
"Suck my dick you gayboy"
- "Wouldn't that make you gay?"
"fuck off gayboy"
- "ok"
"You're gay, bet you like to suck dick.."

Anyway, this went on for about 40 minuites, and was starting to get a little irritating.

So I stood up, turned around and said "Yes, I'm fucking gay, ok. So fucking what? Are you happy now? You've dragged my personal life for everyone to see. Thank you very much.", and then stormed out the class with a teacher running after me, I turned around and explained to her what I was doing, and that I was just going to use the loo.

At lunch brake the girls starting coming up to me and talking, and I explained it teached them a lesson, and we became very good friends, and the rummors were quickly dismissed by everyone who mattered.

Whenever him or his "crew" started on me, all I had to do was wink, and they would leave me alone.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 15:19, Reply)

bacon retort
Recently on my way home I was asked by a not particularly friendly local policeman where I was going to which I replied 'I'm just going to mind my own business' he didn't say anything else and drove off. I laughed all the way home.
(monkey_cuffs, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 15:16, Reply)

Semi-unintentional
owing to a couple of halves of mild ale.
A charming couple of brummie lasses were showing us more attention than we were looking for in a bar. I hooked my thumb at one of them and said to the other "sorry love ... I wouldn't touch you with his"
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 15:15, Reply)

I was at a New Year's party
at my girlfriends all of oooh four months ago.

For some reason everyone had decided to call me 'gay' - possibly because I'm quite camp.

My girlfriend also decided, on one occasion, to proclaim 'You're so gay.'

To which I responded, loudly enough for the whole room to hear:

"You won't be calling me gay when I'm fucking you up the arse later."

You could have heard a pin drop.
( backrubslut - treguna mekoides trecorum satis dee, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 15:15, Reply)

I love put downs
someone was rude to me over the phone so I replied.
I'm afraid I dont have enough time in my life to deal with fuckwits like you. you're a waste of time space and my breath. And if you dont get ----- sorted out now I'll be on to your manager and I can guarantee I will get you fired by the end of the day.
It got all my car insurance paid off when I wrote my car off.....
( jiva nearly always up for a game of scrabble, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 15:12, Reply)

I was on my way to the town for drinkies one day
when this chav/charver lass shouted "HOW! ARE YEEE GAY?"* to which I responded "If all women looked like you I'd seriously consider it"



*Translation: "OI, ARE YOU GAY"
( fassit is old, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 15:10, Reply)

unintentional but never forgotten
I was out with a group of mates at uni years ago and one twunt friend of a friend joined in who was working and had a car, some Mazda or other. As we piled out the pub he was waxing lyrical about this fookin car for the umpteenth time and I asked what kind of car it was. When he proudly said "a Mazda" I replied " is that not a kind of lightbulb?"
Much falling about with laughter at his expense.
(Serendipity Long time, No see., Thu 29 Apr 2004, 15:07, Reply)

Another one.
I was seven, running around the garden, with a poin-ted stick.
As you do, being a kid.

Suddenly my mum starts shouting from the kitchen

"If you keep running around with that stick, you'll poke your eye out!"
"What are you going to do then?"

I replied "I'll become a pirate mum!", and continued running around.
( tef, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 15:06, Reply)

Not sure if this was funny or not...
I was walking through the glorious estate I live on one lovely summer eve. As I was meandering past a childrens playground one of the fine young ladies who were lurking there shouted "Get your cock out!". To which I replied "Get yours out!".

I was quite pleased at the time, not exactly the highlight of my existence though.
(badger of doom http://www.trendingtracks.co.uk, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 15:04, Reply)

not me, but a friend
once, in a maths lesson, my friend discovered his ruler had been nicked by someone sitting the other side of the room. during a very quiet moment, he stood up and shouted...

"GIVE IT BACK OR I'LL CRAP IN YOUR BED!"
(Mystery Woo Yay Boy, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 15:02, Reply)

Difficult to explain in text - North vs South comeback
Here goes:

As I grew up in the North I pronounce certain things differently. Certain pedants/enforcers of "Queen's English" don't like this.

Common examples are - BATH, PATH, DANCE, GRASS

Which in the South are pronounced with a long vowel. e.g. Baa-TH (like a sheep "baa") or Paa-TH. In the North the vowel sound is short, so PATH has the same "A" sound as "PAT".

Anyway if you are still awake, it goes like this:

Southerner: "Learn to speak properly, it's Daa-NCE not DANCE or Paa-TH not PATH."

Northerner: "Shut up you Twaa-T"
(garfi3ld, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 15:00, Reply)

One of my other favorite ones, happened to a friend.
Walking down the street, to only get accosted by one of the cancer research vultures.

"Do you have a minute for cancer research?"

*Waves fag at them* "I'm doing some of my own, thank you"
( tef, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 14:58, Reply)

i play online games
so...

yes actually, my mother was from Mexico, and my dad was a hebrew iguana, so...
(N00bT00b, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 14:57, Reply)

The highest form of wit.
If, after you've made a gloriously sarcastic comment someone pipes up with "You know sarcasm is the lowest form of wit", simply turn to them and say in your most sarcastic voice, "Reeaally?"

It's un-come-back-able from
(aneraseroflove excuse me...i have to go to space now, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 14:57, Reply)

I smoke, deal with it.
My friend karen often tries to convince me to stop smoking.
Last time we were in the pub, she convinces her friend to speak up.

We, the smokers were hidden away in the corner, making sure none of the militant anti-smokers would have a chance to steal our glorious nicotine.

He walks over, and starts preaching.

You really shouldn't smoke young man...
I used to smoke 60 a day, and then I had a lung taken out.

I asked him if he only smoked 30 a day now.

He left me alone :)
( tef, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 14:56, Reply)

was in an insulting war once
can't remember what I said, but he came up with a really good comeback. So I said "Nice comeback. You're used to coming up the back?"

hee.
( Reid got it going on like Donkey Kong, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 14:54, Reply)

Buying a packet of skins and handingthe guy a tenner,
he asked "Have you got anything smaller?" I said "I've got a penny|. He said "That's too small". I said "That's why i gave you a tenner".
( pxyzyzygy, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 14:54, Reply)

Oh yeah.. and
I was in a shop buying a sandwich last year, and only had a tenner

Girl behind the counter says "Do you have anything smaller?"
"Only my penis"

She saw the funny side though :-)
( Reckless_Rik, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 14:52, Reply)

I am absolutely rubbish as quick, witty comebacks.
I guarantee I will think of the perfect thing to say abut two days after this particular question of the week is closed.
( Mystery_Bob, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 14:51, Reply)

Retort to any 'your mum' efforts...
aye, and your mum gave aids to the monkeys.
(rubberducky, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 14:51, Reply)