whenever I annoy him
he dances about, pointing at me and singing "I shagged your mum, I shagged your mum".
( Zak McFlimby Twibbling @McFlimby, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 13:14, Reply)

This one was REALLY bad...
Imagine the scene: I was about 17, it was a family Christmas gathering, and Dad farts. This gets a giggle from the children, until he turns to me and asks, quite calmly...

"Should farts have lumps?"
(Orin delurked to post this gibberish on, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 13:13, Reply)

"...and I told you and told you and told you not to be redundant."
not only does my old man say this every time the subject of redundancy comes up, but when I remind him the joke he just told has been delivered countless times.
(singleton, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 13:12, Reply)

This was quite funny...at the time
When I was about six or so, my dad dropped my mum off at work every day and picked her up, and when we did, we'd drive past a bacon factory. One day, he said, pointing out the car park in front of it, 'Look at all the cars porked in the porking spaces.'
Like I said, it was funny...at the time.
There are many more Dad classics, but most of them are already on here.
(HanaBizzle, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 13:08, Reply)

service
Everytime we ever went anywhere with shop assistants who asked 'would you like any help?' my father would reply 'yes, you can f**k' off'
( The Beast can't help looking at womens breasts on the tube, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 13:07, Reply)

My Dad's joke....
...upon breaking wind in a rip-roaring fashion would be to run to the nearest window and search the sky asking "Did you hear concorde going over then?!"

Sadly I've found myself doing this one...
(Use fish for guns, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 13:06, Reply)

When watching any news
programs that has bearded politicians spouting complete bollocks, my dad is often heard to say, "Just 'cause he has hair 'round his mouth doesn't give him the right to talk like a cunt!"
( djol, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 12:55, Reply)

...
Every time i bring a new Girlfriend or just a friend who is female round, my dad always says, "she's not as bad as you said".

quite funny for the first 6 times
(Me luv UK., Wed 10 Dec 2003, 12:55, Reply)

Crab
To the waiter "Do you serve crab?"
Waiter "Yes sir we serve everyone"
(rcurry, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 12:55, Reply)

An old favourite !
Dad: "whats the capital of Somalia"
Anyone : "Mogadishu"
Dad : "Gesundheit !"

All together : "cranberry !"
( The Mighty Gusset Doesn't Care - And Doesn't Care Who Knows It !, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 12:53, Reply)

my dad used to have a couple of jokes about his old car
1. he had a rolls-canardly
it rolls down hill but can hardly get up them

2. we had a skoda which had the engine in the back so when you opened the front of the car it looked like it had no engine!

he used to tell my friends that it was peddel powered / like a flinstone car
( Rev. Jesse. broke his ankle, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 12:52, Reply)

Dad Jokes!
When I broke my arm playing football my dad took me to the hospital. When the doctor said they were going to re-set my arm my dad say "Will he be able to play the pianno?"
The doctor replies "yeah but not for a couple of weeks." My dad replies "Thats funny he couldnt before!" extremely lame dad style joke.

another of his classics is "A man gets a tractor off his wife for his birthday every year. One birthday he tells his wife he is sick of tractors. So the next birthday she gets him a ticket on the titanic. So he sets off on the ship and it hits an iceberg. A fire engulfs the ship. People are screaming. The man runs up and says "DONT PANIC" and proceeds to suck up the fire. "WOW" says one passenger "how did you do that" he replies
"It was easy im an ex-tractor fan!"

Ill leave it there!!!
(Jonesy_116, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 12:51, Reply)

Teenage Kicks
When I lived at home with my parents and i'd be listening to music in my bedroom (usually fast punkish stuff), my dad often poked his head around the door and said "Who's this you're listening to?... Meat-head or Motorloaf?"

Still don't know to this day if he was serious :)
(Fo_NuN, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 12:47, Reply)

grandad
My Dad never really told jokes but my Grandad lived for jokes. My favourite had to be:
GD: How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
Me: Don't know, How?
pause..............
Me: Grandad?
GD:Oh, I'll tell you later.
Not exactly pant wetting but he seemed to manage it on quite a few occaisions.
(eyebrows, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 12:46, Reply)

my dad
is the king of them. any opportunity for a cheesy joke is taken, and i love him for it. i was talking to my mum on the phone the other day before she went to work, and she said "here's your Dad for a quick word". My dad grabbed the phone and shouted into it "Speedy!" - i.e. a quick word. It took some explaining before I got it, but I found it funny when I did.

And whenever we're eating mushrooms he will always without fail make a remark about how he'd like to eat more but he doesn't have mush room. Hilarious.

I wish I could think of more examples, because he is seriously great at them. Better than all of your dads.
( mikeisbrill, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 12:45, Reply)

my father-in-law
loves puns. The worse (and longer) they are the better.

In fact, whilst building up to the pun, he often can't quite control himself and starts laughing too early. For an über-pun, this can sometimes mean he is incapable of speaking the punchline.

His favourite is the story about Ghandi and his badly worn feet, dicky tummy and bad breath acquired from years of wandering about barefoot, starving himself.

It meant he was a super-calloused, fragile mystic vexed with halitosis.


Groan.
( chthonic, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 12:42, Reply)

Out of lurking for this one...
I was driving over the Pennines with my parents one evening on the way to Manchester. The sun was setting, the sky was full of reds oranges, and yellows, the hills silhouetted against this gorgeous sky. My mum turns to us and says, "Isn’t that beautiful, you could paint that", good ol' pops comments "you'd need a bloody big brush!"

*cough*
(Lordy Shmord, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 12:41, Reply)

Came downstairs one day to find a box of Persil on top of the telly
I asked what it was doing there and got the reply "We haven't got any Ariel"
( HP hasn't been here in aaaaaages, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 12:39, Reply)

Rhubarb Rhubarb
Whenever we had stewed rhubarb with custard at home (which for some unknown reason was rather a lot) my dad would wet himself laughing and go into the Oh so familiar routine. He would always do the following, both asking the question and providing the reply inbetween wiping away the tears of hilarity.

' Do you put manure on your rhubarb? NO! We like custard on ours!'

Those long winter evening just flew by.
(phink, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 12:37, Reply)

memory
the best joke my dad and my mom ever do is that one where they ring you with some important information about some distant relative you haven't see for 8 years.

Then they ring back an hour later and tell you the same bit of information again - without an ounce of irony.

Time to start saving for that nursing home me thinks.
(getleethomas, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 12:32, Reply)

Arl arse
Oh dear, I do loads of these things as well.

I'm quite a young Dad so for a long time I thought it must be cool for my son to have such a hip and with-it father. However, my music tastes are stuck in the 80s and whenever my lad is watching Top of the Pops or whatever it's called nowadays (see?) I do the old Mary Whitehouse Experience sketch of dancing badly and saying "What's this? It's got a good beat." Although you lot prolly don't remember that Hugh Dennis was funny before he became a doctor in My Hero. I also call all boy-bands "Take That" and expect the poor bugger to understand the joke. Worse still I never fail to point out when a song is a cover version (even if it was a cover in my youth as well).

My own Dad has pretty bad humour as well, which tends to be of the 'you had to be there' variety. Like whenever I say "that's funny" (meaning strange) he'd laugh out loud, or if I meant funny-funny he'd say, "yes, odd, isn't it?"
(WiSK, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 12:32, Reply)

Every time my brother-and-law* lights a cigarette (which is lots)
He says: "Have you got a light, Mac? No, but I’ve got a brown overcoat." Then he laughs like a drain at the wit he inhereted from the Bonzo Dog Doo Dah Band.
(My sister kicked him out last month, to universal relief.)
*He's dad to my three nephews, so this counts.
( 0% Interest Expand Reply Retweet Favorite More, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 12:31, Reply)

On detecting childish impatience....
"Be patient, otherwise... you will be a patient".

It wasn't really funny the first time. It certainly isn't now.
(badgertastic badgers are people too, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 12:30, Reply)

The worst
jokes are probably the two that he does over and over and over. It doesn't matter that no one else laughs, he laughs enough at them time and time again to make up for it.

1. Anyone asks "Can you make me a cup of coffee/tea?" He waves his hands over their heads and says "Poof! You are now a cup of coffee/tea!" Hilarious.

2. "Dad? Have you seen (insert lost item here)?" His answer every single time "If it was up your ass you'd know where it was."

My dad, I sure love him, glad I had him for a Dad rather than anyone else, but I'm also thankful that he lives 6,000 miles away.
(DarkSide, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 12:27, Reply)

Only last year
My dad, my wife and me out walking the woods.
My wife (to me) "You're such a country boy"
My dad "Oi! Don't call my son a c*nt!"
Genius.
(Sleary, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 12:26, Reply)

I'm a dad over thirty and have noticed that...
...the older we get the more enjoyment we get out of doing the same joke over and over again.
There's a point where a joke gets tired and old but carry it on and the fact that you keep doing it, and everyone else is annoyed, becomes the joke.
My favourite is 'no it's not hot' when one of my kids says 'What?'
( heymister, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 12:25, Reply)

Lyrics swap
My da will murder song lyrics for sport, and the fewer words that change the meaning the better. His favourite is "Shower with people you love to love" -- and he says it so much it's become a cliche.
EDIT: My Grandad, on the other hand, will answer the phone "Joe's Pool Hall", followed by:
"Hi, Opa, this is Jacob."
"Jacob who?"
"Jacob, your grandson."
(turns to my Oma) "Do you know a Jacob?"
Every Cashing Time
(notcarlos, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 12:24, Reply)

Every Sunday Lunch...
I get the obligatory:

"Do you want some food to go with your gravy?".

Hilarious.

It's made worse by the fact that he keeps making the joke about 10 times throughout the meal with different combinations of food item/person ensuring that misery is liberally distributed throughout the house :\

Thanks for everything Dad, but the leave the jokes out will you? Ta. ;)
( Claws of Doom I am no longer infected, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 12:19, Reply)

It has to be
Calling instructions "destructions" ... probably explains my DIY skills
(KJHIOUPOIOIUKJJH, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 12:15, Reply)

Now it's getting near to Christmas
It's all about Rudolph-burgers.
"I like a bit of venison - But it's not cheap.
In fact it's Dead Deer !"
( The Mighty Gusset Doesn't Care - And Doesn't Care Who Knows It !, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 12:11, Reply)