Drunken wrist breakage.....
I got home from a night out on the town, I was needless to say absolutely twated by this point. I had managed to get myslef into bed and was partaking in the obligatory drunken playstation session when I thought it would be a great idea to go and buy some ciggies(I live about a mile from anywhere btw). So I hauled my ass out of bed got dressed and walked out of my bedroom, only to stumble accross my laundry basket.....

The right hand went out to try and catch my fall, but in my drunkeness I forgot that my arm actually bent at the elbow and proceded to break wrist. At this point I just thought I had sprained it, so off I trotted to the local 24hr garage (over a mile away). Got to the "24 hr" garage and the fucking place was closed. I got out of bed for no bloody reason, didn't have any fags and a chuffin broken wrist.

arse holes and piss flaps.......
(a monkey's not just for christmas, Fri 3 Sep 2004, 10:24, Reply)

All Fall Down
Being a ker-azee young whippersnapper all of ten years old, I was prone to a range of childish idiocy (tripping people over, pulling the girls' hair, you know the stuff). Everyone knew that there was trouble abound when I had my mischief hat on.

Well one day, I pushed it too far. I'd cajoled one of my cronies (we'll call him Colin, for no other reason than I like that name) into being the essentially more dangerous element in the 'you kneel on the floor and I'll push someone over you' game. I chose, in my infinite 10-yo wisdom, to do this prank on the biggest kid in the school. It all went by without a hitch; we talked, Colin knelt, I shoved, big boy fell.

Colin gets a kick in the ribs, then the other boy decides to come after me. I'm too busy wetting myself laughing and making sure he's not on my tail to notice the basketball post in the middle of the playground.

Full speed, metal post, collarbone shattered. I promptly passed out and made some sick over my school jumper.
( <somethingfunny> hasn't said anything funny since, Fri 3 Sep 2004, 9:57, Reply)

Playing football at school
I broke my arm. Not too embarassing until I mention that it was a mixed game with boys and girls. And I broke my arm being tackled by a small girl. In my defence, it was knee-high, I was running full pelt and in the professional game, she would have recieved a red card.
( Rev. A-MOL is lurking around these parts again, Fri 3 Sep 2004, 9:45, Reply)

Just a couple...
Ripped my banjo string on a mistimed stroke whilst shagging an ex. It was quite a bad rip with blood everywhere, I had to go to casualty with a teatowel wrapped round my cock. Of course they wouldn't see me straight away so I had to sit in the waiting room for about 2 hours with all the mothers and kids laughing at me... It needed stitches as well.

Cracked a rib playing rugby, but didn't really worry too much about it. Later that night in bed with the gf (who was going at it rather enthusiastically cowgirl style) her weight with her hands on my chest caused the cracked rib to snap - nearly puncturing my lung. Another embarassing trip to casualty although I did get seen quite quickly this time!

Another rugby injury... somehow managed to get the old chap stamped on whilst making a tackle. The studs of the guys boot scraped right down the front of the little general making a nice rip - that one needed stitches too... I stopped playing rugby then, before my cock started looking like it had been made by Dr Frankenstein
( ashurek, Fri 3 Sep 2004, 9:43, Reply)

Twang!
A mate once told me he 'went in dry' during a bout of particularly frantic sex with his girlfriend. When he withdrew, they noticed there was blood everywhere, which was confusing as she wasn't on the blob. Turns out he'd torn his frenulum (the bit of skin under the helmet which attaches the foreskin to the shaft of the penis) in the throes of passion. Made me cross my legs just writing that.
(Bimdian, Fri 3 Sep 2004, 9:13, Reply)

Not me and not a friend
Not really relavent i guess but just too good not to add.
At the battle of Waterloo while over-looking the carnage on horseback one of Wellingtons generals had his entire leg blown off just above the knee by a cannon-ball. His actual quote to Wellington recorded in the battle notes was "My God sir iv'e lost a leg" to which Wellington replied "My God sir so you have" he then proceeded to collapse from the horse as Wellington went off to give those frogs a damn good trouncing. He was taken to a field hospital and recovered eventually btw. Not really embarrasing I guess but just makes me smile at how Damnable British he was, stoic and not wanting to make a fuss!
(Druss, Fri 3 Sep 2004, 9:03, Reply)

stiletto heel +drunken sex=OUCH
it goes like this:

drunken sex with new girlfriend

clothes all over the place

after the act,legs all a-quivver, I try to get up to 're-adjust myself'

I fall off the bed

casually discarded Stilletto heeled shoe is on the floor HEEL UP

I fall 'on top of' said heel

..................Sounds like a likely story
( bigmeuprudeboy is using powerpoint or paint...have MERCY, Fri 3 Sep 2004, 9:02, Reply)

Bath tubs - the cunt survived
So there was my mate, in a bath tub, hurtling down a hill in the Yorkshire Dales, with a full lob-on, chasing the girl of his dreams, who for some reason was standing at the bottom of said hill in the middle of nowhere, with ALL of her mates, including my wife.

This would not merit such an invective from myself, were it not for the fact that, on reaching the bottom of the hill, he pointed out to everyone that I was reaching the jester's shoes behind a nearby wall with the gristly maiden I've been trying to do for years, and I got a serious beating from my wife, resulting in embarrassing injuries to my love wand.

And then, to rub it in, he did exactly the same thing the following week, and in fact every Sunday evening for the next 30 years.

So obviously I was furious that he had the cheek to survive such a hare-brained stunt as to travel down a 1-in-3 gradient hill (replete with mole hills and potentially dangerous wiry tufts of grass), in a bath-tub on wheels, every single time, and yet I always finished up with a beating from my wife, and never got to shoot in my bird's growler in peace.

I thought justice had finally been done in about 1999, when he finally popped his clogs. I even had a quick dump in his coffin at the funeral while no-one was looking, and assumed that I had had the last laugh. But no, his son only goes and moves into the village, and I've been caught out in the same way by him, every single Sunday since. Add to this is the fact that my bird is now so old her fadge looks like a butcher's shop window, and I think you can safely say that I've been hard done-by.
(And I don't agree with that in the workplace, Fri 3 Sep 2004, 8:39, Reply)

weeeeeeeeeeeeeeel
i was out on a date at a local restraunt when
our main course came along, they hadn't carved the chicken yet

so being the man that i am, i offered to carve it, thus letting me take hold of a big knife, (not a good idea)so one minute i was holding the knife the next i wasn't, and my balls were hurting alot,

5 years later and i was mucking about wiv a bb gun in front of my frends, it ricoshayed* off the target and hit my then g/f boobs, haha


*is it ricoched or what?
(ameoba photographer for hire, cheap, see profile, Fri 3 Sep 2004, 8:20, Reply)

Ruddy bikes
I don't like bikes, ever since an unfortunate accident as a child when during one of my first rides without stabilisers in the local park I lost control and managed to go down a very steep hill. The end result left me stuck in the middle of the bike without one of my shoes and in considerable pain.

Fast forward 10 years and I'm at a friends house who needs to go see his gran. He wants to go by bike but I'm kind of reluctant, eventually he convinces me and we try and squeeze ourselves onto 1 bike seat with me at the back. For about the first 10 seconds after setting off it wasn't so bad but then I slipped off the end of the seat and my balls got trapped in between the seat and the back wheel. Said friend dosn't seem to understand that I'm in trouble despite my screaming and continues to pedal with me hopping along behind until I manage to hit him.

I don't like bikes.
(Superstring, Fri 3 Sep 2004, 7:57, Reply)

glass doors
I love them glass patio doors, me.

My brother and I lived in a flat that was brand new, with nice clean glass in the sliding doors.

Smoking happened outside only, so over the course of the lease we collected some fabulous pieces of art that consisted of greasy, but detailed graphic smudges of people's faces - contorted in pain and shock as they walked smack bang into what they thought was an open door.

ha frikken ha.
(poolpartymcguyver, Fri 3 Sep 2004, 6:12, Reply)

Buses and Booze don't mix
I fell onto a bus (don't ask), and took a lump out of my shin - and to add insult to injury this poor old dear took pity on me and gave up her seat so I could sit down.. I still have the scars to this day
(plateau, Fri 3 Sep 2004, 5:52, Reply)

oh, and another one!
not a personal story, but the embarrasment for the victim was magnified by the story being broadcast internationally! Even Discovery Channel picked up this story!

and I quote: "A swimmer attacked by a small shark in Australia was forced to drive for help with the persistent animal still gnawing his leg."
( woowoowoo, Fri 3 Sep 2004, 3:52, Reply)

I have another...
Not so much embarrasing as just downright painful...

Far North Queensland is home to the Mud Crab. A beast that can grow 20cm across the shell with prize-fighter nippers that can crush beer bottles, take off toes etc. They are dangerous, but delicious!

Experienced Crabbers plant a bare foot on their backs and truss them up with a piece of string to render them 'mostly harmless'.

My mate, an experienced crabber, is carrying a hessian sack with 20 or so 'trussed' crabs back along a very lonely beach when one of them gets loose inside the sack and bites him - HARD - in the middle of the back, through the sack. Not surprisingly, he lets go of the sack, which then hangs by said claw. Ow!!

Two friends try to help, cutting a hole in the sack - even cutting off the crab's claw, but it remains locked on. Not until he's back to the car, and it's toolkit, do they manage to get the bugger off!
( woowoowoo, Fri 3 Sep 2004, 3:45, Reply)

Rise and fall
To get to the bus stop from my college, I had to walk down a blocked street. The street got blocked after some medicine student got drunk and was hit by a passing car or something. Anyway, it was blocked by some concrete blocks. They were wide, but short, so every time I aproached them, I used to jump on then, then jumping back to the asphalt. A short jump.

But then, someday I just didn´t got as high as I should... I hit the block, lost my balance, fell on the ground, rolled down the street, and stopped 10 meters ahead, when my face hit the lamp post.

It was pathetic.
(Monocromatico Lady Godiva's horse, Fri 3 Sep 2004, 3:44, Reply)

I am crap at cricket
but that didn't stop me enjoying a came with the local C graders. We had an erratic, but fast bowler who used to do some damage.

One day he hits a batsman in the 'box'. The batsman falls away to leg and does the usual groaning and writhing on the ground while we all stand about and empathise, but this time it seems to go on, and on, and on!!

Our Silly Mid Off is a First Aider, so he takes a closer look. The impact of the ball has split the resin box, a split which had now closed on some very, very sensitive skin.

Took three blokes to pry it open with a couple of screwdrivers and set him free. After which he batted on! Man of steel!
( woowoowoo, Fri 3 Sep 2004, 3:30, Reply)

Bizarre threesome.
Another paramedic one: Called to a male with back pain in a cemetery. On arrival, we found an obese man lying on top of his wife (penis still inserted) and his wife was lying on someone’s grave. Quick call to Fire & Rescue and we lifted him off and got him treated for his back pain. I asked him why they chose to have sex on someone’s grave. He told me it was her previous husband’s grave and that “She misses him”.
That has to be the most unusual “ménage a trois” ever…
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Fri 3 Sep 2004, 3:10, Reply)

Why not?
Best work related job I went to (paramedic) was to an 84 year old man complaining of tachycardia (accelerated heart rate). On our ECG confirming an unusual type of tachycardia we asked him if he had been exerting himself in any way that might have caused this problem.
He looked up and said quietly, with all his neighbours standing over him, "Yeah...I just had a wank". Fair enough...
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Fri 3 Sep 2004, 3:03, Reply)

Bend it like...
A colleague at work was having rather vigorous sex with his girlfriend and “missed on entry” causing his penis to bend sharply down with a lot of bleeding to follow. Ouch…
He was put on pseudoephedrine for some weeks to assist in limiting erections. We made him a get well card using a scanned copy of the DVD “Bend It Like Beckham” with “Beckham” replaced with his name.
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Fri 3 Sep 2004, 2:57, Reply)

Mini Grim Reaper
I was about 14.

We were at a friend's house mowing the lawn for extra pocket money, when we realised that we couldn't cut the long grass against the raised patio.

I quickly remembered that my dad have a sickle - (like a sythe, but smaller and handheld, the handle drops a couple of inches before the blade so that the blade falls below your hand) - in his shed, and I cycled home on my BMX to get it.

Upon returning I grabbed a clump of grass and gave the sickle a big swing but it didn't cut the grass.

You see, although I remembered that my dad had a sickle, I'd somehow forgetten that he was left-handed, so holding it right-handedly made the blade several inches higher then it should have been, and I'd chopped myself squarley on the thumb with it.

I cycled home with blood pouring from my hand and fell off my bike with the dizzyness. I didn't want to go to hospital so I just wrapped it tighly with a bandage and didn't tell anyone for a few days (kept hiding my hand).

Luckily it healed pretty good, but I still have an horrendous scar on my thumb :(

Apologies for the non-sexual nature of that one.
(JaffaMused local in the So.Cal, Fri 3 Sep 2004, 1:59, Reply)

Yet Another Banjo Story
About a year back, I was in bed with my (now-ex) girlfriend and she decided to give me a happy little wake-up tug - except she takes it into her head that it would be really erotic to jump STRAIGHT and so about 30 seconds or so in, she takes a HUGE yank, I kid you not, as hard and fast as she could, in the deeply mistaken belief that I would be turned on by her eagerness and this would send me from sleepy to randy in 3.4 seconds.

Like a polite idiot I took a few more seconds of this before having to break off and dash to the bog before any permenant damage was done. It was a bit sore, but as that little visit was the start of my sexual career I was well chuffed to have a 'tale to tell the lads', even if it did hurt like a bastard. As for her? She turned out to be bloody mental, and it wouldn't surprise me if the Devil's Drawback was on purpose.

Cow.

Edit: My mate once broke his leg in two places after a harsh tackle playing football and spent 8 months in a full leg cast. It would have been less, had he not gone rolling on the floor flapping it about because it "didn't look dramatic enough". We knew that's what he'd done before he even admitted it, because there was a good 2-second pause between the time he initially hit the ground and stopped and the time when he started rolling about.

Twunt.
( Shegetz Chris Kamara's comedy moustache, Fri 3 Sep 2004, 1:58, Reply)

I think this was in my local paper...
apologies if it was a national and you have already heard it.

A guy was working, operating a CNC guillotine without the guard, He cut his thumb quite badly, and after the company doctor cleaned him up he had to show the boss exactly how he managed to cause himself the injury. He stuck his hand in it again, said "All I did was this", Pressed a button and lost two fingers.

What a twat.
( Black Moon Not cracked, I'm all up to be., Fri 3 Sep 2004, 1:24, Reply)

I cut the bridge of my nose open and bruised my face
whilst leaning on a washing line during a heavy drinking session. My mate had told me to be careful. The line snapped and I went face first onto the patio, with the ends of the line in each hand.

Still have the scars.
(Grobie, Fri 3 Sep 2004, 0:31, Reply)

from the b3ta inbox
From: xxx
B3ta user: xxx

Thought I'd offer this gem for the QotW but I've forgotten my login/pass so I'd have to wait till Tuesday. Can you bang it up for me please? Don't use my real name tho, for reasons that will become obvious below ;

Once upon a time in a land far far away I'd not been in invited to engage in anything karnal for quite some time and didn't have internet access. Well when one day someone lent me some, ahem, adult DVDs I couldn't contain myself and immediately ran home and stuck them in the computer.

So eager to get things started was I that I'd forgotten to close the bedroom door and could have clearly been seen thought the porch windows, so, trousers round my ankles I hobble-hopped to the door. Squeezing past the setee I managed to dislocate my knee and fall face first onto the cold tiles. Told my friends and students I did it chasing a robber. Popped it back myself without so much as a peep.

Cheers.

Bleh, it might get sent a few times, my connection is playing up.
( rob, Fri 3 Sep 2004, 0:23, Reply)

When i was 6, i ran into a dresser.
The small TV on top of it fell on me, screen down. Had to get 14 staples inserted into my skull to stop the bleeding.

At least it wasn't plugged in.
( cheesemaster a screaming naked asian man driving a semi, Fri 3 Sep 2004, 0:07, Reply)

At a Muse gig a couple of years ago
I was standing near the desk. During a particularly ace song, my mates and I decided to move forwards, and feeling adventurous I thought I'd crowd surf. The problem was, we were at the halfway point twixt stage and PA desk. In most venues, this would be surfable territory, but not in the Docklands blinking arena. My mate hoisted me, a couple of people held me up and then disdainfully dropped me six foot -flat onto my back. It was quite jarring, I can assure you. I managed to avoid sustaining any injuries, but was quite embarassed.

For apologies, length.
( Stickman_ben, Thu 2 Sep 2004, 23:38, Reply)

At my girlfriends a few moons ago...
We knew the neighbour across the fourteenth floor or whatever it was.

Anyway, i'm in the shower first thing in the morning when to my horror I realize there's no fucking shower gel! AGHA!Deside to rush across towerblock landing in scanty towel to friendly neighbours...who didn't respond. Girlfriend's flat door slams behind me. She's at her mum's the other side of London. I is suddenly extremely fucked. Broke two toes trying to kick in door....
( Jahled Three shades of black, Thu 2 Sep 2004, 23:38, Reply)

Silly me....
When I was about 11 or 12 I managed to fall about 7 and a half feet onto my arse (I was walking along a wall, see and some git thought it would be funny to scare me). My coccyx was in agony and i couldnt sit down for months.

Also there was the time I managed to bruise my bollocks on a stair railing while trying to slide down it.
(Squeak Endut! Hoch Hech!, Thu 2 Sep 2004, 23:28, Reply)

A friend of mine went skiing with school
and returned with his leg in a very large soft cast, which was explained as being a dislocated knee. The injury was sustained not due to the dangerous activity he was there for, but rather by dancing rather too enthusiastically to a Chilis song.
On the same trip a lad who has a reputation for having a low pain threshold broke his arm on the slopes and no-one believed him. He had to complete the rest of his run with said injury before he got any medical attention.
( Malchick, Thu 2 Sep 2004, 23:26, Reply)

Embarrassing celebrity injuries, anyone?
During the filming of the first X-Men film, Hugh Jackman (Wolverine) kept stabbing himself with his retractable claws. After a few days the producers realised that they were going to have to use plastic ones.
It's still quite noticeable in the final 'cut.' (ho ho ho.)
(CerberaSpeedTwelve, Thu 2 Sep 2004, 23:10, Reply)