Word of Warning!
When listening to your walkman/Mp3 player with headphones in and walking round town, remember that just because you cant hear your farts, it doesn't mean those around you can't!! I forgot this the other day and when on the bus I let what I thought was a quiet one drop, I suddenly heard 'dirty bastard' shouted at me, from an extremely attractive young lady! I was mildly embarrassed at the time but I piss myself laughing at it now!!
(lankynyack, Tue 17 Jul 2007, 20:53, Reply)

Love farts.
When I was young and agile I perfected the art of ever-so carefully climbing onto the bed, standing astride my girlfriend’s head, then slowly and carefully bending my knees thus lowering my foul arse towards her head.
Keeping my voice calm, not laughing in case I gave the game away, I would softly call her name , peeping down at her so I could see when she opened her beautiful blue eyes……and just as she registered that she was staring at my balloon knot, unleash a gust of fetid beery fart right on target, before leaping out of the way as she swung her vicious claws at my dangling nut-sack, often missing me by mere millimetres.

In time, as the relationship developed, I realised that if I stood on the duvet cover her arms would be trapped, giving me precious seconds to squeeze out the last dregs and escape before my pods got knocked into orbit.
I do miss her.
(Rsoles, Tue 17 Jul 2007, 20:23, Reply)

A Guide to Farting in Elevators
1. Relax. You don't want to make noises, the victims MUST be taken by surprise. DO NOT force it out ( you may end up touching cloth and or following through and you wouldn't want to go into a meeting and sit down with a 'squelch' now would you?)
2. Let it all go. The smell will be diluted with air, so you must provide all the fart you can!!
3. Whatever you do, DON'T SMILE!! If someone sees you smiling you're on your own. Just a little grin may ruin it all. (Alternative: Tell a good joke before starting the mission)
4. Do not Cough. Same principle than before. Not During the act, not afterwards. Don't Cough at all.
5. Put your best "Someone Farted" Poker Face, but don't make the first NOR the second comment. These are always the first suspects - It is a commonly held belief that whoever smelt it, dealt it.
6. Don't do it when there's only 2 guys in the elevator.
7. Don't blame, but look blamingly. Choose the fattest guy in the elevator (Unless it's you, duh), Soon everyone will suspect your suspect.
8. Finally: Stay in there as long as you can. It's worthy and your body has activated a natural defense, which makes your own Farts smell pleasant to you.

(Extra tip: If you're in a car, be sure it's a cold day, so there's no windows open and no air conditioner)
(poolcue123, Tue 17 Jul 2007, 20:11, Reply)

fart arse
my best mate used to refer to me as fart arse when we were kids. so one day when i was sleeping over at his house - we were in the 5-6 year old bracket so it was totally ok to share a bed with another boy. i had trumped in his bed.. queue him running down to his mum brying like a baby. eventually he comes back up and gives me a bollocking about farting in his bed. so he climbs back into bed and suddenly i get the urge again.. so i politely warned him to get out of bed, which he did and then went downstairs again to cry to his mum. I was pretty pissed at this so i waited till he came backa nd climbed into bed before dropping my bomb.
he immediately sent me home after that and it was the last time i ever stayed the night.
shame really
( Kingtoke was shit at life on, Tue 17 Jul 2007, 19:45, Reply)

Lifts
Re: rachelswipe

I've both had sex and farted in a lift (at separate times) and, quite frankly, the farting was more enjoyable.
(woohoo, Tue 17 Jul 2007, 19:45, Reply)

Assembly
In my Primary school, every morning we had assembly in our main hall.. there was about 400 children all sitting cross legged whilst the head master rambled on about something we really didnt care about. one day, when i was about 6 or 7 one made a break for freedom. this one happened to be one of those long, high pitched squealy type ones that of course was amplifed by my arse being on the floor and echod around the hall. queue 399 kids pointing and laughing at me in hysterics.

I handled it beutifully by pretending it wasn't me whilst simultaneously going bright red.
( Kingtoke was shit at life on, Tue 17 Jul 2007, 19:40, Reply)

Happy farters day
i once gave my dad a homemade fathers day card saying 'Happy Farters Day'. i was 16.

Was playing a game of badminton against him, in a sports hall full of people whne he bent over, pulled down his shorts and let one rip... ive never heard a place go so quiet.
( squiddylyd Once you pop you can't stop!, Tue 17 Jul 2007, 19:37, Reply)

Put it this way, rachelswipe...
If a guy can complete the sex act in the time it takes to ride an elevator, is he worth bothering with? Seems to me that being a Minuteman is not a positive thing.

On the other hand, trapping someone in with a bad stench... well, if they're someone you know and dislike, I can think of few things better.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Tue 17 Jul 2007, 19:29, Reply)

Awoken by a stench...
I used to go out with a bloke who had a bum-smell so terrible, that I would routinely be woken up in the night by the smell of his guffs. It was rotten beyond belief, but he must have been a great guy coz I was with him for ages even after that!

Also once, the same said bloke once set light to one of my farts...it was quite a big one, and only came out slowly. Luckily, I was wearing thick cords, because the flame was huge and lingered around my bum so long I singed the bloody things!
(Punkygirl, Tue 17 Jul 2007, 19:24, Reply)

Zoo
Me and the missus went to a mostly empty Edinburgh Zoo the night after a dodgy curry in Musselburgh. She was suffering particularly badly and kept droppping her guts all the way round but outside the tiger enclosure she let loose with a really stomach churning, rancid shit smelling, stinker. The viewing window was in a kind of tunnel, the smell was super concentrated and we were gagging from the rankness so ran off out get away from the stench. A couple of seconds later a rather middle class looking family came along so I hung around to watch whilst the missus ran off in embarassment. They stood in front of the window inhaling and grimacing for a couple of seconds before the Mum turned to the Dad and started blubbing "I can't believe the conditions they keep these in, you can smell it through the glass! We're not staying!" As she marched past me she was talking about going to the police!
(bobobrains, Tue 17 Jul 2007, 19:16, Reply)

Well
Although I am of the lady variety, I will admit to some of my more shameful and amusing gastric disturbances.

1. The scene: last September. I had an almighty case of food poisoning (which I got from work, and nearly got fired for -- a different story, needless to say I no longer work there). It was the third or fourth day in bed, meaning I could finally drink water and eat crackers. I was just waking up, with my boyfriend sleeping next to me. Felt a fart coming on and, as the boy was still sleeping, decided to just let it rip.
Which I promptly regretted.
Cue my mad dash to the toilet, and then wandering back to my bedroom stark-naked. I had not only shat myself, but as it was the liquid variety thanks to the fact that I hadn't been eating, it had leaked through my underwear and onto the bed. Then through the sheets, onto the mattress.
"How the hell am I supposed to get the sheets off with him on them?" I wondered. I put a towel under the sheet, and another on top. Which woke him up.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"Um. I'm sick. Don't ask." He got up and left the room. I stripped off the sheets, and pulled out some cleaner. Cue me cleaning the mattress when he comes back.
"What in God's name are you doing now."
"I told you. I'm sick."
"What? Why... oh sweet Christ almighty."
"Just go away."
And then he nearly pissed himself laughing. I nearly died of embarrassment, then called all of my friends to tell them. THEN I nearly pissed myself laughing.

2. Sometime later. Alone this time. Lying in bed, needed to fart. Did. See above, only with no running commentary.

This is why I'm now the captain of the Crapped the Bed Club. There are far more members than there should be. I'm thinking of making badges.
(Ovum Factory, Tue 17 Jul 2007, 19:15, Reply)

shower
so, first post and whatnot.

scene is camp, shower room in which there are 5 or 6 stalls. cue me already being done with a shower.
now, i had been eating boiled eggs breakfast lunch and dinner everyday of the week... it was thursday.
so, i casually walk over to an area where a lot of people walk through to get in and out of the showers. air was heavy due to the amount of steam. i ripped a SBD that burned a bit on its way out.
the sucker lingered in mid air for 10 minutes making everyone gag as they walked through. great laugh. and great pride for that one.
(fisherOfApples123 -=destroyer of toilets=-, Tue 17 Jul 2007, 18:55, Reply)

The sound of this QOTW
PFFFFFT!
(Medibot, Tue 17 Jul 2007, 18:23, Reply)

Not me but a friend...
Quite a few years ago now was telling us what she'd been up to at the weekend, on the way to school.

She'd been for a walk with her family, at some point her dad asked her to tie his shoelace for her. Call it the innocence of youth or something but she didn't think there was anything odd about this request and bent down to do it, quick as a flash the "dirty bastard" (her words not mine) turned around and let one go right in her face.

He thought it was hilarious. She described it as the most disturbing thing that had happened in her life so far.
(Ella Mentree, Tue 17 Jul 2007, 18:11, Reply)

Should you chose to accept this mission
I'm going to view a house tonight and try to innocuously fart in one of the rooms.

I hope they have a dog or a small child.

Update: Mission failed - I was too exited about looking at my 1st property that I forget the mission.
( girlinthehole, Tue 17 Jul 2007, 16:16, Reply)

I farted just now...
and it lasted a full 7 seconds.

My variant on the dutch oven is called The Waft. Let it marinade for a few minutes then gently waft the blanket, as if I'm too hot and just trying to get some air in for example. This causes the lovely gasses to be forced upwards and out of the head end of the duvet, straight into Angrymanxwife's face. Magic.
(Seance Trumpet has got no beef with a man enjoying a croissant, Tue 17 Jul 2007, 15:54, Reply)

For those of you who think that girls don't fart
In my first year of college, I shared a flat with one of the most popular girls in the year. Everybody, particularly the boys, thought of her as incredibly refined and sophisticated. If only they'd known the truth. A mere drop of alcohol would transform this elegant creature into a Grade A ladette who would, for example, quite cheerfully excuse herself for a few minutes to go off for a wank. However, her crowning glory came one evening after one too many helpings of beans. She phoned the flat of a girl she didn't like (oh yeah, she was bitchy too - popular girls always are) and actually farted down the phone at her.
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Tue 17 Jul 2007, 15:51, Reply)

Two Stories
Its such a simple sound, but really does make me laugh everytime without fail

A good friend of mine is a primary school teacher, and has to hold his air in all day long so not to excite the children.. meeting him after work for a drink is always a noisy affair, but on this one occassion he managed what must have been a 30 second tommy squeeeeller, slowly raising in pitch and loudness through out, with a little leg kick finale to signal its end. Still makes me laugh today.

Work colleague and I attended an incredibly boring business meeting that went on for around 4 hours, sat on hard wooden benches in trendy west london offices, during which we said nothing. Until my colleague started fidgeting. One quick left buttock lift, and an attempt at a sneaky and silent "Pfff" actually turned into a very loud tommy squeeeler that must have been felt by all those sat on the same bench. He covered it brilliantly, firing a completely random and off the subject question, which the most geeky and boring attempted to answer, whilst the rest looked on confused - me, I was crying with silent laughter.

My father - whenever his has a piss, he always farts loudly and in the same note after ten seconds - wherever he is. Marvellous.

Sorry that's three and I said it was two.
(Pesky Young Scamp, Tue 17 Jul 2007, 15:27, Reply)

i can't believe
how many people claim to have produced air biscuits that have made other people gip or retch. i have never ever had the misfortune to come across this. is it really physically possible for an arse to be this grim?

also, what's the deal with everyone saying that lifts make them want to fart and run away? lifts make me want to have sex in them. apart from the ones at work and the ones in public carparks that smell of donkey piss. surely that's a more normal reaction?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 17 Jul 2007, 15:26, Reply)

My ex, my flatmate and I took a little road trip to Ikea.
And on the way back I let rip.

Only it didn't go backwards.

So, in conclusion, I now know what it feels like to fart through the area between my thigh and my bollocks.

Not entirely unpleasant.
(Generator cannot be named for legal reasons, Tue 17 Jul 2007, 15:23, Reply)

school haze
Fond school memories, I was indeed blessed in the trumpy department.

1 - I was caned for farting when a teacher made me stand outside and the headmaster was patrolling whilst I was stood outside. The most amusing part was watching the teacher explain why I was standing outside without starting a gigglefest in the classrom. His first thought was to say I had been releiving myself, which the headmaster interpreted as me taking a leak and exposing my boy-bits. Made me laugh inside, at least until I was dragged off by the ear to be caned, minor offence, 1 on each hand - thanks Mr. Whetton the teacher and Mr. Bellamy the head.

2 - I was evicted from French and English in the same morning, for sharing my joy. No sense of humour language teachers, so I can't remember their names.

3 - I bought some Dr. Windbreakers Fart-Powder from Goose Fair in Nottingham, and then thought it would be fun to add it to my school dinner. It was green, and as I added to my sausage and mash a teacher, Mr. Deuville sat down on the table. A friend asked him whether he knew what it was that I was adding to my lunch. He confirmed that he did, and he was leaving. I nevere asked him how he knew, maybe he was a regular user.

4 - What I like to think of as my finest farting moment, RE or Religiuos Education as it was known back in 1978. I let slip a tiny little pop, almost silent, certainly deadly. It seemed to rise above my head and then spread out like a mushroom cloud before falling on all 32 kids in the class and the unfortunate Miss Love. The kids at the back of the class opened and jumped straight out of the window, not sure whether they rememberedthat we were on the ground floor or even cared. The kids at the front of the class ran for the door, but the ones I felt sorry fr were those in the middle who had bunched up behind those making use of the emergency exits. I was cracked up with laughing as Miss Love shouted 'calm down children, please, calm down'. Not sure she was expecting such disruption from the top set, we were supposed to be the clever/nice ones.

My ex-wife was not happy with this undocumented feature of her beau. She was not best pleased by either the farts themselves or even by the word fart, I had to refer to them as 'pumps', as my mates said, there was no way they could be called pumps, fart was too small a word for them. I was also expected to stick my arse out of the patio door when I felt them coming, I did mention that this was my ex-wife didn't I?

Happy days, my own son (by my current wife) is now starting to generate some excellent burps, it is only a matter of time before the wind like a salmon swims home to spawn. It is enough to make you weep.
( Be-elzebulb_the_devils_own_gardener, Tue 17 Jul 2007, 15:23, Reply)

Work experience
Not being wise to the ways of coffee then, I downed lots to carry my through a week of waking up at 5:30 and somehow lasting the day (about 2 cups in the morning and then more throughout the day), and working in a social security office, most of my work was 'go file this and then mail this' and being sat down for a long time and then having to stand up and file for a long time kinda buggered up my stomach, que me running to the toilet and then meeting up with some guy who apparently desperately had to talk to me.

*PFFT* half way through a sentence of his, making it a rather awkward conversation indeed, I almost went a week without someone interrupting my running to the toilet.

oh, by the way, Hai gaise.
(Arahan, Tue 17 Jul 2007, 15:21, Reply)

The shame... oh, the shame.
I used to work in a convenience store, along with my elder brother and a few other idiotic reprobates who shared a similar sense of humour and a general reticence to do any work. One perennial favourite when it came to wasting time was to brew up a bumtrump and then run to a colleague and press your arse against them, before letting it out. Childish, yes, but infinitely more amusing than dealing with smack-head shoplifters or old ladies who stank of piss and paid in 2p pieces.

So. There we were one night, and me and my sibling happened to be behind the tills, bored as usual, with a couple of hours to go until we could shut the shop and get wasted. I have pretty rotten guts at the best of times, and the amount of drinking we used to do only made them worse. This particular night I had a proper rasper on its way, and decided that my brother was the worthiest - and nearest - recipient for this somewhat pungent gift.

I leapt over to him, and tried to press my behind against his thigh, but, no fool he, he'd worked out my game and tried to struggle free. This had the unfortunate effect of his balls somehow ending up pressed against my arse as I let out a mighty bottom burp, which must have warped and wobbled his nuts like two eggs in a pan of boiling water.

We never spoke of this afterwards, and the game was tacitly deemed too dangerous to play, ever again. So there you have it; I farted on my brother's balls.
( CaptainCrackerjack live trout, slow motion, Tue 17 Jul 2007, 14:55, Reply)

portsmuff or is that portschuff?
late one cold wintry night, had had beers, curry and smokes, walking back to digs across the deserted city centre, walkman on (ah, those were the days eh?)(who thought we'd have nostalgia for technology) felt the need so did a series of rippers into me greatcoat. the track ended....and three girls were behind me pissing themselves at the trumpet involuntary.............


are we still on about lenght? about 4 bars of joshua tree.
(mickturate if i could be arsed i'd be bored, Tue 17 Jul 2007, 14:43, Reply)

Once, I farted,
it made a noise.

lol
( WHARRGARBL, Tue 17 Jul 2007, 14:21, Reply)

Paris Hilton
Maybe I'm a sicko but this looks like Paris letting one go to me!http://www.strangepersons.com/content/item/127669.html
(The Hooded Bean is in my pants Can't resist a Fanny/Tranny Joke, Tue 17 Jul 2007, 14:19, Reply)