I was standing next to HP Lovecraft

and I let one go, and he said "I've just had a great idea."
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sat 14 Jul 2007, 5:19, Reply)

I don't really understand these stories

obviously I fart like everyone else. But mine smell like lavenders and hollyhocks.

Yours,
Felicity Kendall.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sat 14 Jul 2007, 5:12, Reply)

Careless Whisper
I just left my gf in bed with a "careless whisper" 10 minutes ago. She's still sleeping under the duvet and breathing it in too. Just had another beer and i'm heading back to see if the air has cleared yet. Night-night.
(Haggisbreeder Was talking when he should have been listening on, Sat 14 Jul 2007, 4:08, Reply)

on the way to the lake district from where i live (peterborough)
its about a 4 hour drive i think. i was going with my parents on holiday. that day i must have eaten something rotten... being in that car for 4 hours with my bodily "air freshener" going off every 10 minutes (with extremely unpleasant circumstances) was not something that would start that holiday off with a breath of fresh air.
i kept it up for pretty much that entire week, then abruptly stopped when i got back home.

serious gas.
( the_man361 bffwaarghhl, Sat 14 Jul 2007, 3:27, Reply)

also
if you fart on someone's head, their hair stinks of guff all day.
my nephew is not as pleased about this as i am, as i have often left him with eau de ringpiece lingering on his mullet.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Sat 14 Jul 2007, 2:58, Reply)

surprise package
not me, my sister. she took me out for breakfast on thursday, which was jolly nice of her. as we were walking to the car park, she started to complain of not feeling very well.
we'd parked on the second level, so set off up the stairs. my sis overshot by one flight and, on her way back down, decided to let loose an arse cloud.
or so she thought.
the look on her face told me something was wrong, but when she sidled over to the car with her handbag dangling behind her back, i knew she was hiding something.
"have you got a plastic bag to put on the seat?" she asks, rather red in the face, "i've just shit me pants!"
i found her a bag 10 minutes later, after i'd finished laughing.

also, my brother was once jealous of the special birthday tea my mum had made for me, so he stood on a chair, squatted over the table, and farted on my tea. the worst thing was, even mum laughed!
needless to say, i didn't eat it.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Sat 14 Jul 2007, 2:30, Reply)

A dutch oven
is when you sit in a car smoking spliffs with the windows closed isn't it.

So I don't understand some of these stories.

I often fart in public.
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Sat 14 Jul 2007, 2:13, Reply)

Mid Coital
Having been with my wife for many years, farting in her presence was not really a problem. However, on one occasion, i was kneeling up in bed while she pleasured me orally. At the crucial moment, the moment of revelation, i could feel a fart urgently trying to escape, i could not, in fact would not, hold it in and farted mid-orgasm. To her credit she continued with the task at hand and only commented when she had swallowed the lot.

And no, we dont do scat.
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Sat 14 Jul 2007, 2:12, Reply)

Our dog Ben
Once farted infront of the gas fire, and lit his own fart.

The surprise and confusion as he leapt up and whipped around to see what what going on with his bum was quite special.

Length - dunno, but it definitely went "woof".
(BeatsWork, Sat 14 Jul 2007, 1:51, Reply)

Stoned farting
I recently broke my arm quite badly, so I've been indulging in a fair bit of the green goodness to pass the time. It's also due to the fact that I was forced to quite smoking - apparently smoking damages bones, but then it seems to damage everything and everyone. Went outside for a cheeky spliff, halfway through I started feeling really sick. I was actually getting a bit upset, it was good weed and I was a bit stoned already. I thought I was feeling sick because having given up smoking the small amount of tobacco in my spliff was making me feel awful. I carried on regardless - waste not want not - and contemplated having to use my pipe from now on, as I don't really want to start smoking cigarettes again.

Familiar sensation somewhere around the midsection.
Gurgling feeling slightly lower.
Sickness starts to crescendo.
Toke on the spliff to calm myself down.
Cramped up and bent over, spliff is relentlessly glued between my fingers.
Start to think about calling an ambulance.
Cheeks part.
Blast of Satan's breath squeezes through, I'm glad I was outside or I might have discoloured the wallpaper. Lasted for a decent 20-25 seconds.
Sickness, worry, dire pain, all vanish soon afterwards.
Finish my spliff and skip inside giggling like a horny schoolgirl.
( Rookie You'll have to speak up, I'm wearing a towel, Sat 14 Jul 2007, 1:37, Reply)

Church camp
Ok yes I was young and fired up with jesus... but imagine a hall full of young fervent youngsters being preached to about the hooooooly spirit... and then up the back the old guy who owns the camp lets out a long, slow loud one for literal minutes at an end... and not wanting to upset the leaders there is now a roomful of pious teens gurning to keep from cracking up at the sound.
(seanfish, Sat 14 Jul 2007, 1:26, Reply)

Supermarket sweep
Whilst out at the Asda with my then boyfriend, he let out a stench-ridden seeper as he walked from one end of the aisle to the other. Unfortunately it was the fresh meat aisle, which I'm pretty sure contravenes Health and Safety.

We made our escape, pushing the trolley at high speed, hoping to escape both the lingering gas cloud and outrun the tendril of farty air which was streaming from his kecks. If he'd been a Red Arrow, there would have been a smoke trail to warn the unwary. Sadly not.

Worse yet, I was forced to return to the aforementioned fresh meat aisle about ten minutes later. And the cloud was still there. Persistent blighter. And it smelt of dog boff.
(sags tupac-a-hats, Sat 14 Jul 2007, 1:07, Reply)

Click 'I like this' even if you don't!!!
Were i have just started my new job i have tried to be nice and polite when it comes to bodily functions like burping and farting, (bloody probation!!!), but it seems the other guys aren't so bothered, in fact at one time, one of the guys farted so hard that he cracked the wall he was lent against!!!

True story

Length- twas quite a large crack :P
(Squid83, Sat 14 Jul 2007, 0:39, Reply)

Not exactly about farts,
but close enough.

OK, when I bought my new phone, and was experimenting with all the features, (I had an antiquated 3310 before), I thought it would be amusing to record myself saying various words, a la Bob Fossil from the Mighty Boosh. The phone is quite good, and when these recordings are played back on the speaker they're easily recognisable as my own voice.

Skip forward a few months, and I'm taking a crap in one of the toilets at my University. It's quite a small bathroom, with only one cubicle and a couple of urinals. A few minutes in, I hear somebody taking a leak outside. Just as he finishes, I receive a text and the word "GORILLA!" sounds true throughout the room. God knows what he thought was going on...
( Albert the Mildly Deranged purveyors of nothing much since a year or two ago, Sat 14 Jul 2007, 0:26, Reply)

Cheap Cider
I swear it corrodes your insides!
i few pints of that and you can fart nearly constantly for a good 8 hours :)
(biggiantmat, Sat 14 Jul 2007, 0:09, Reply)

School smells
When I was in school what we used to do was someone would call the teacher over for help with work and someone would let out a silent one. The best thing about this though was the teachers face they would always look disgusted.

Im sure that one time when we did this that someone sharted themselves because the smell stayed around all day, nobody mentioned it but we all suspected it.
(Monoball, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 23:42, Reply)

echo/vibration
can remember being in my early teens, one night sitting on the top of the stairs, i let a loud one rip, with acoustic amplification from the narrow hall and wooden floorboards. caused the old man to go WTF!

personally, the best ones come from eating loads of fiery food - baked beans with extra hot chilli sauce (colon blow), or a stealthy extra strength vindaloo from the local curry house.

the hot sauce is lethal the first few times you use it; gave a friend a drop to try when sozzled once. the por girl needed a pint of milk to kill the burn.

the curry is stealthy because the vindaloo has a similar kick on the tongue to the madras/rogan josh, but undergoes internal conversion to lethality.

for smells, though, the stuff i can access as work have a fouler reek - bottles of pure amines, thiols and mercaptans(litres of eau du merde et poisson). the joys of being a research chemist
(trainee mad doctor is currently trying to build a secret laboratory, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 23:28, Reply)

Memories
My brother and I often had farting competitions - the first one to score a hat-trick in a given space of time was the victor. The game rather lost its gloss when our Dad worked out the point of our giggling and let out three in a row with no visible effort at all. Every time we started a new round, he produced another three in quick succession - we had no chance.
(Innogen, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 23:15, Reply)

A convenient place...
... to let one go is normally, well, a public convenience.

Not very long ago, I had a late night stop at a motorway services. First port of call was the cludge, and as I entered so did another chap. I entered one cubicle, he entered another. But horror of horrors, I realised that before the stool, there was an immense gas build up, and my gut feeling was that it was going to come out loud. I didn't want to embarrass myself by farting so loudly when it's so obviously me. No matter, thinks I, I'll hold it until he drops his load.

But no sound came from his stall. I desperation, I try to let some out quietly. But that just wasn't going to happen. It trumepeted, and the reverb from the bowl and an otherwise empty set of toilets was impressive. Mid-fart, I hear giggling coming from the other chap, closely followed, nay, concurrent with, a fart of similar timbre from him. Well, that set me off, and had anyone else entered the loos they would have been greeted by the sound of two strangers farting, giggling and dropping their loads. A quite delightful symphony!
(Neddy Nedson is nice really, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 23:06, Reply)

sadly
this was me
I was pregnant with my son and living in London, out in green park for the jubilee i really needed to fart, i thought ill try to let out a sneaky one
sadly as it turned out, it was in no way sneaky.
what made it worse was my then fiance announcing, bloody hell babe so many people heard that!!!!
embarrassed is not the word!!!!
(kellogg going slowly insane, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 23:04, Reply)

Last One, And Then I'll Shut Up
During previously mentioned Southampton trip, we had a Firefly-watching marathon. About 5am, half of us were asleep, so we turned it off. The only people left awake were me, Mr Farmer and my mate Andy.

Well...

About 5 minutes after the DVD goes off, Andy lets out a huge fart. "I'll claim that!" says he. A short while later, off goes the boyfriends arse. "mine!"

Then I shocked them both by farting pretty damn loudly.
"Yea, that was me!"

The shocked silence afterwards was brilliant.
(TuftyBee should have been working on, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 22:53, Reply)

Supermarket Stink
Not a long story...

Earlier this week Mrs Nedson & I had popped down to the local Somerfield to top up on fruit and veg. A horsey type woman was stood by the spuds, and as we approached we both recoiled at the same moment from the scent of her emission. Unfortunately, it seemed that every aisle we went down from then on, she was ahead of us in, and had already vented.

It was a pretty quick shopping trip, as we hurried out as soon as we had the bare minimum we needed in our trolley.
(Neddy Nedson is nice really, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 22:50, Reply)

The Boyfriend Again
This one was last night, as it happens.
The bf and I travelled upto Southampton to see a few mates of mine, so there was the inevitable "sitting around, drinking and talking" thing happening.
The convesation turns to serious things, like first shags, bad experiences etc. He was trying to sleep though all of this.

We'd just reached one of those "what to say next?" moments, when from the location of the boyfriend comes a very loud, very sudden release of gas, followed by "and thats what I think if that!"

We were all in stitches.
(TuftyBee should have been working on, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 22:47, Reply)

The joy of science
I work in a school science department with fifteen science teachers, you can imagine the lunch time chat.

However on one day I was reduced to tears of laughter by my friend who we shall call "Terry".

Terry was sat in the bath, he felt a tremor build and grabbed a glass jar, which he then submerged.

His plan was to measure just how much gas a standard fart will produce. Not sure if it was a big jar, but he claims to have filled it with his arse emission. He then sealed it in, impressed with his manly achievement.

What made me cry with laughter was when he told us how he conducted a smell test, he claims that bottled fart smells worse than anything else in the world.

Remember, we teach your children.
( Rev. Jayneflakes Buy my book, I need the cash for drugs and hookers, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 22:42, Reply)

Not Me, But The Boyfriend...
Picture the scene: my boyfriend and me, stood in my kitchen having nice after-sex hugs, when he decides to fart. "ok" I think "this is normal, I'll just stand over here"

a few minutes later, and not only is he still farting and stinking out my kitchen, he's managing to do it in a variety of pitches.

Apparently my face was priceless. It was at that point that I left the kitchen. Minutes later, so does he.

I didn't want to go in there for ages for fear of methane poisoning.
(TuftyBee should have been working on, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 22:39, Reply)

A lady does not fart, she botty coughs
I went in for major surgery last year, part of which was to sterilise me. With all of the jiggery pokery deep in my abdomen and the major holes they left behind I had a problem with gas in the wounds.

It felt like the worst case of trapped wind in the world, but could not be released because it was not in my bowel. The pain was immense...

After a few days it had started to disperse and was accumulating in my bowel some how, but I was so bruised and battered, there was no way I could push it out.

Then a kindly Nurse came and spoke to me... "Come on Jayne, you really need to fart that out!" Two cups of mint tea later and I was farting like a sailor! Blessed release..... I am such a nice girl too!
( Rev. Jayneflakes Buy my book, I need the cash for drugs and hookers, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 22:20, Reply)

Really Sorry but just remembered another
My long-departed Great Gran was a star an merits a mention in you batty dears segment, along with her dementia was also a bit mutton. She used fart and walk at the same time, they would be little trumps in time to each step - quite a feat actually could get the full length of the lounge. Apart from muted tittering noone every said a word.
(brocky, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 22:13, Reply)

Toilet Trauma
Upon entering a toilet and doing my stuff i made my way to the sinks.

At this point, a relatively elderly man entered, stepped up to the urinals opposite my position at the sink. He proceeded to drop his trousers 'round his ankles and take a quick slash. During this slash he dropped a fart, loud and clear for all to hear. It rumbled around the walls with a tremendous echo.

I nearly puked.
(Jizzbiscuits-Murphy wroted this on, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 22:08, Reply)

Endoscopic fart
I was ill a few years ago. Very ill. Anyway I had an endoscopy where they stick a camera up your arse and take a look.

Apart from the novelty of seeing most of your colon on a TV, when they took the endoscopy tube out I went back to the ward.

I then had what most be the longest fucking fart Ive ever had. I seemed to just go on forever. Then it stopped. Then I had another one. It was heaven.

The I had yet another one but accomanied by about half a pint of blood. That was sort of fun too in a bad way.
(tonyhrx, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 21:55, Reply)