Also just remembered.
The time when a girl I absolutely hated walked out of one of our GCSE exams in high school because the class clown who was sat in front of her kept farting. On purpose, so he later told me.
( Sylia Stingray is pilfering the biscuits on, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 19:30, Reply)

Bruised...
Occaisonally I do farts so powerful, they can be reflected off the surface of the seat (and cause some mild pain/discomfort). Most of the time it's on a soft armchair that comes with a muffle bonus... But sometimes, on a hard plastic Ikea computer chair (or, inexplicably, a matress*) the energy is bounced back on to my backside. This happened once, with such force that I actually bruised my arse.

*Must be something to do with the springs.
(Good Looking Deity Grew a magnificent beard on, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 19:26, Reply)

A Mate of Mine
I first met him in the classroom
back in 1963
we seemed to hit it off pretty good
we were mates mick and me
he wasn't such a big kid
even back then at the start
and he wasn't all that clever either
but Jesus he could fart

I first found that out in class one day
when things were going pretty slow
and just to keep us all amused
Mick let this fucking ripper go
well, you should have been there
look, i'd describe it if i could
but i just turned around and i said,
"Hey Mick your fucking good!"

And at the eng of school Grand Final
on the rugby field that time
we were getting beaten
they were 12 and we were 9
and play was 3 yards from our goal-line
when the referee called a scrum
and mick said, "Don't worry fellas,
we've as good as got it won."

So we just locked ourselves down in the scrum,
and we held eachothers nose
and mick our little hooker
he let this fucking ripper go!
well, it stung their nose
and it burnt their eyes
and it even scorched the grass
and i twigged right then and there,
he had a double jointed arse!

Mick, me mate the master farter
put the art back into farting
with his custom tailored farts
broke new ground in breaking wind
with his double jointed arse

And it was just a couple of years later
we both went to see Kamaahl
it was a really poshy sort of show
in this great big bloody hall
all the blokes were dressed like penguins,
well you should have seen the sorts
and Kamaahl himself wore a sheilas dress,
like a bloody black boy george

we were all locked in there like sardines,
for the show to get underway
but the tuber player didn't log
he'd booked off crook that day
and Kamaahl said, "Without a tuber player i cannot commence the show."
so old mick jumps up says,
"Sambo mate, I'll have a fucking go!"

Well, from then on in I honestly thought,
that the whole show would be ruined
but he just winked at me and picked that tuber up
just like he knew what he was doing
then the maestro tapped his little stick,
to tell the band to start
and mick just shut his eyes and cocked
his leg,
and then began to fart!

well you could have heard a pin drop
that night there in the hall
and it's hard to say who sounded best
Mick farting or Kamaahl
then the audience just went apeshit
they cheered and clapped and stood
and Kamaahl smiled as if to say,
"Hey Mick, your fucking good

Well, good news travels fast it seems
and it wasn't very long
before Mick got this midnight phonecall
from Ben Lexan and Alan Bond
they said, "Mick we've got this specialist job,
and we're prepared to pay ya',
Mick old son would you consider farting for Australia?"

We'll just prop you on our brand new yatch,
when theres no sea-breeze blowing
and get Mick the master farter to start
her and keep the bastard going
so Mick went into training
on sausage rolls and pies
and Vegemite and Fosters beer
and a schollarship from Heinz

The world had never seen before
a yatch so finely groomed
or a crew so fit and young and strong
or an arse so finely tuned
the Yanks weren't even in the race
not even in the same class
what with Ben Lexan and his secret keel
and Micks fuel injeted arse

Well he come back a bloody hero didn't he,
the old Australian boy
and government comissioned this bloke
to do a big statue of his Koy
and I can still see Mick standing there
when they confirmed his Knighthood
and Bob Hawke pinning it on saying,
"Hey mick..... your fucking good!"

Mick me mate the master farter
put the class back into farting
with his designer-lable farts
Mick me mate the master farted
with his True-pitch perfect calibrated,
turbo thrusted, fuel injected, W.I.N.G.S.proteced, double jointed arse.


......I'll just get my coat then...
(Nihlistic_Alchemist Brand the Herd with Fashion, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 19:19, Reply)

Mr Stingray, & his amazing propensity for producing gas.
Good god, where to start?

There's the time he farted during sex, & it was so bad that I had to force him to stop, get up, & open the window. In the middle of one of the coldest winters ever. Strangely enough, he didn't get any more that day.

Or how about the other day, when all three of our cats were sitting on his lap, & he farted so violently that they all leaped up at once, causing a rather amusing mid-air collision.

Speaking of the cats, he was so offended when I complained that one of them had done a fart that outstank him, that he spent an entire evening trying to prove his superiority by walking up to said cat & farting in it's general direction (whilst impersonating the Frenchman from The Holy Grail).

He also once came home a rather bright shade of red after having followed through on the way home from work whilst trying to rid himself of a particularly stubborn flatch.

And whilst at work, he likes to sneak up on people who are stuck in tricky situations they can't get away from in a hurry, such as dealing with a customer or the boss, release his best effort, & slyly walk away leaving the poor unfortunate to face the embarasing consequences.

To be honest, there are some days when I think our household must be single-handedly keeping the good people at Oust in business...
( Sylia Stingray is pilfering the biscuits on, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 19:13, Reply)

air jordan
I like to do a jump just as I fart, so it looks like I'm being propelled forward/upward. I sometimes do this when I'm alone, just for a bit of entertainment.
(bob rob, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 18:53, Reply)

PFFT!
This particular piece of badness happened a couple of years ago in my mates car. 3 of us had been drinking bitter and eating onion rings in a pub when the driver decided enough was enough and said "sod it, who wants to go for a drive"?
halfway to our destination my mate and I uttered two of the worst farts imaginable, low noise but rancid smell. about 30-40 seconds later the car is stopped, the driver gets out and proceeds to vomit on his car bonnet, not being able to get to the roadside in time. sorry man, we shouldn't have laughed as hard as we did.
(skipping merrily in the meadows, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 18:43, Reply)

Farting under a blast heater
I used to work as a nightclub bouncer, and was renowned for stinking, silent farts. My trademark was to wait until a large queue had built up outside the club, and the box office had a captive audience. I would then fart right under the blast heater about the front door, which would pick it up, bake my sneaky air biscuit and spread it around for the joy and edification of all the punters waiting to get inside, who could not rush off for fear of losing their space in the queue, whilst I stood there laughing my arse off as my colleagues scattered.
(madoda, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 18:39, Reply)

My brother had just got his driver's lisence and was now taking me to school whilst my parents were away for the week
I was sat watching the news when he came downstairs in his tight jeans etc and stood in front of the mirror running his fingers through his hair as he did every morning. Suddenly a noise I can only describe as a loud BANG! erupted throughout the room. It sounded just like when you clap your hands together really hard. My brother then froze completely still, blinked once and then hobbled out of the room.

Ten minutes later I knocked on the toilet door "Andy? Are you okay?" to which he replied "Jon? ...can you go to my room and get me my shorts and a pair of pants."
( St. Defenestration The REAL one, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 18:36, Reply)

On holiday in Greece,
I sat down to relax on the balcony one hot evening. After a week of vegetables huge steaks, my farts were TECTONIC, not to mention whiffy. I sat back with my headphones in, and in thinking nobody was around, I let rip the loudest, longest fart I had done in a good while. I was proud for a second and did a little giggle. My pride turned to shear shame and embarrassment at I turned round to see a couple of pensioners quietly reading, their faces had expressions which I couldn't describe. I promptly ran inside in my embarrassment. Those pensioners must have thought I'd shit myself or something.
( Major Turd for tonight only, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 18:32, Reply)

I went to Mexico last year
So much gas escaped my ass...

Worst/funniest moment?

Just had an amazing night with a rather nice lady and went for my morning toilet run. I had managed to hold it in all night and my morning fart was an epic one. It lasted 2-3 minutes (at least) with me squatting over the toilet with my cheeks spread (for silence and follow through).

When I had finished I could hear my lady laughing quite loudly from the other room. Not as quiet as I thought. She was quite greatful that I had spared her the smell and let me know :)

Lenth? Girth? She was happy and that;s what counts :)
( Crap Little Monkey Deathstar, so good they built it twice, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 18:31, Reply)

I'm no longer...
allowed to eat steak, due to the highly amusing (to me) factiod that in the middle of the night, usually around 4am, that I start to fart in my sleep like a trooper.

Funny in itself, but the stench is so bad that it will wake both myself and mrs. geordio up, gagging on some of the foulest air biscuits I've ever smelled. So bad, I even retch.
(julio geordio, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 18:17, Reply)

Stink Out
Working for a removal company one summer I was treated to a 'stink out'. I was sat in the middle seat gagging with strings of saliva and watering eyes whislt the other porter and driver (the rules stipulated they couldn't try and suppress the foul stench with jumpers etc) waited to see who would open the window first.

The SAME WEEK I was with a driver doing a small house move. He was complaining about bad guts all morning. After exclaiming "ooooeeeer it were the kippers" in a harsh yorkshire tongue me and the other porter were treated to a fishy egg death cloud that left us both hanging out the window wretching furously. My mate, bless him, was even sick.
(carlspick profile? Dunne, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 18:16, Reply)

fart puke
My wife woke up severely hung over - while still in bed I pushed out an egg fart. She gagged then threw up all over the place.
(JubJub, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 18:04, Reply)

Trumps
Many years ago when I was newly employed, a work collague of mine told me the following story....He walked into the gents toilets where one of the stalls was occupied. He did his business, washed his hands, dried them - all the while there was nothing but silence from the closed door of the occupied stall. There was clearly someone in there waiting to let rip in private. My colleague opened the door and then let it slam shut, giving the impression that he had left the gents. At this, the previously silent occupant of the stall performed a huge trump followed by a blattering sound as he let his guts go.

This was hilarious to me at the age of 19 - I couldn't think of anything worse than farting in public. Imagine my embarassment then when I laughed so hard at this story that *I* did a massive fart.

This happened ten years ago, the shame is etched on my memory forever
(Kazza , loathing myself so you don't have to, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 18:00, Reply)

Dutch Oven
Never done it myself, but surely someday there will be a special lady in my life who deserves such a tribute and testament of my love.
( intesvensk can't recall when I last checked the newsletter, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 17:59, Reply)

Hiking Club
I belong to a hiking/travel club, really just an excuse for a bunch of lads to get out of the houses and away from their regular 'lives'.

We all have nicknames. My Brother, one of the charter members is nicknamed "Grizzly Anus".

All of Paris knows why too.

In one week, I will be spending an entire week riding a ten speed across Iowa with him...and sharing a tent.

Please, pray for me.
( Citadel Because the world needs less morons, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 17:48, Reply)

I, and indeed my entire family
fart like troopers, but I am by far the worst. I produce a stream of huge very loud farts all day long, and seeing as I have no shame, just let rip, then sit there looking smug as people run away, or decide they've had enough of their dinner.

One occasion sticks in my mind though. My girlfriend had come round. We had a brief chat about what we'd been up to the night before, which included me telling her about the girl I'd pulled- we had a very nice agreement about sleeping with other people, the agreement being, why not?- and her asking if said girl had stayed the night, which she hadn't.

Anyway things got going, and the gf was just about to pop my cock in her mouth, when I let go with two huge trumps, each one a good 10 seconds long, which caused her to laugh and say "no wonder that girl went home".

Oh, and during a threesome with a mate and some girl, I made her cry by accusing her of farting while I was down on her. Don't know if she did, I was very very drunk at the time.
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 17:43, Reply)

Work farts...
As many of you know, I am unhappy at my workplace (where I no longer work by the way) particularly with my CEO. About a year ago, I used to bring my dog to work with me every day. It's a small company, so it was nice to have the dog in there, wandering around, inspecting scents and what not...

Until one day, my dog must have overheard me complaining about my boss to my Dad on my cell because, shortly after I got settled in my office, Goose, an English Mastiff, decided he needed a stroll 'round. He walks right into the CEO's office and launches what may well be the most rancid fart I have ever smelled...complete with audio.

THEN, he casually turns around, and walks out of the office and trots back to mine. Moments after his return to my office, the CEO's face appears in my doorway telling me "Keep that damned dog in your own office. He just farted in mine and I am going to have to work from the conference room. I cant concentrate."

Of course, I had to inspect and before I even got INTO the office, the stench was seeping out into the halls. It nearly made me gag.

Good dog....good dog.
( Citadel Because the world needs less morons, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 17:38, Reply)

Girl Fart of Death
Some years ago, I had an operation on my fallopian tube. Sadly for me, the operation wasn't the 'cut into the skin and be left with a kickass scar' type of operation but an -ahem- 'natural entry' type op. And I think we all know where the doctor was intending to shove his speculum.

Anyway, to make the op easier, a butch nurse had to stick a well lubed finger somewhere a woman had previously never explored. On the end of this (gloved!) finger was a pessary type pill intended to relax my unsuspecting mimsy. (If you're feeling sorry for me yet, it gets worse)

Anyway, I hadn't been allowed food for something like 24 hours, so I was somewhat suprised when the urge to poo swayed over my suffering self. I hopped off my steel framed bed, waddled (the urge was HUGE) to the loos, wearing nowt but an open backed hospital gown and a pair of big knickers, to the ladies.

Where I passed what can only be described as nuclear waste. Seriously. I'm suprised the toilet didn't melt. It was *yellow* (and I mean, neon had nothing on this literal shit) and it smelt like death itself. I know shit smells bad. I know. But seriously I needed a breathing mask. And it was my OWN. I'm so glad no-one else joined me in the loo in that 10 minute freakout. It seems these relaxant pills relax *everything*.

I waddled back to my bed after a good scrub-down, feeling violated. Even I didn't want to be with me right then, disgusted I was. I felt purged however, and sure the matter would not be repeated.

I had my op, and came to in some 'recovery room' which is basically hospital bollocks for 'if we lie all the invalids side to side we can check they're all still alive without having to walk too far' and then I was wheeled back to my bed to snooze. Snooze I did, for hours, and when I awoke, rather spaced out, my other half was sitting there, looking anxious. My first words? 'Where am I?' No. 'I love you?' Nope.

No, I let a soft and disturbingly long air biscuit float dramatically into the curtained enclosure. I thought there was a slight chance I had gotten away with it, as nothing was said. My nostrils then became gradually aware that this was not the case. I was still rather weak, and powerless to it's evil, meaty, poisonous fumes.

My partner's gaze changed from sympathy and love to disgust and confusion. His eyes started to water, his breathing stopped, he made odd choking noises. To make matters worse, a young nurse came into my pungent lair to bring me a cuppa. Nothing was said, but I SWEAR she gagged.

HOW BAD does a fart have to be that you make a nurse want to physically vomit? HOW BAD?! Nurses see exploded legs and popped eyeballs and all mater of vomit and snot and fecal abnormalities every day and don't even bat an eyelid!

I just lay there and grinned like a mong.
(Northern Lovely, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 17:36, Reply)

Soft brown mound
Many years ago whilst at art college I used to get up really early to go to work for 2 hours before college. As always my mum was giving me stick for being late..again, so I did the classic:

'Hey mum catch this', pose.

this involved an attempt to emulate a footballist in strike pose, I kicked out and promptly did the loudest, wettest, flappyist, gut-empting diarrhoea squit/fart the world has ever seen, it sounded as if a duck had barfed...mid-quack...in my pants.

Needless to say I didn't make it to work on time, and my mum still asks me if I've been to 'brown town' lately.
(cherry B, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 17:36, Reply)

not me... but a lady type i work with
an old man walked into the shop *A LOUD FARTY NOISE* just as he walks past my co-worker, i tried not to laugh, she held her nose and ran past as he continued into the shop.... after he left i said "did you hear that? that was a loud one" or something along those lines... a day later she confesses it was her! because she felt so guilty - I wonder what the elderly gent was thinking!
( SkUG >_O i got a couple of stitches in my eyeball... ow, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 17:34, Reply)

...
according to my boyfriend my farts smell "like hell", always silent though so I tend to act innocent and hope someone else gets the blame.
(lei, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 17:31, Reply)

Work farts
Why is it that on a typical day, no one will come over to my desk to talk to me for hours, but as soon as I let out a cheeky fart that could melt plastic, the hottest girl in the office wanders over to ask me a question?

Like just now..
(mejt, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 17:28, Reply)

Textbook
I ate loads of gas producing food (curry/bear/lentils etc), then I got wind and farted (silent/loud/foul smelling), somewhere inapropriate (library/lift/car) then everybody (family/friends/strangers) felt sick.

Wow this is gonna be a really interesting QOTW.
(jonnyninetails, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 17:23, Reply)

Public Humiliation
My mother farts like a banshee. She also reverts to a ten year old boy when she farts and frequently (literally) wets herself laughing.

She also has no shame.

Childhood. Thursday. Shopping day. Dutiful son dragged along. Random aisle in supermarket, good cross section of the population in close proximity.

"FWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPTTTTTT" - sharp intake of breath from mother followed by accusatory "McVitie!".

Cue dutiful son turning beetroot.
(McVitie, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 17:22, Reply)

2 and a half years ago it was our last ICT lesson before Christmas so we were watching the Will Ferrel comedy Elf
about half way through the lesson people on one side of the classroom started muttering and pulling their jumpers up over their mouths and noses. Sat in the middle was a kid giggling to himself.

"NATHAN!" Shouted Mr Cooper "HAVE YOU BROKEN WIND IN MY CLASSROOM?!"

Nathan's response was "No"

"THEN HOW COME EVERYONE AROUND YOU IS MOVING AWAY FROM YOU THEN?!"

"I don't know!"

"IF YOU DO IT AGAIN I'LL SEND YOU OUTSIDE!"

Sir then proceeded to reveal a can of air spray and sprayed it round the room.

Now that I think about it, that was the last time I saw Nathan...damn good 'n all
( St. Defenestration The REAL one, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 17:22, Reply)

I can piss shit out of my cock...
Slightly off topic but here goes...

I can piss shit out my cock... As some of you may know I have an incurable disease which affects my ability to break-down the sugars in food and turn them in to energy... (FYI it's called diabetes).

One symptom of Diabetes is the need to pee all of the time, particularly at night. This is because you are generally constipated (if you are not taking insulin) so all the food you eat isn't processed properly and ends up as waste and you piss it out... Calories, nutrients, vitamins - the whole lot just gets pissed out. And it fcuking STINKS!

I kid you not, I went for a long and steamy piss round my friends house after a piss up and it stank so much that he thought the sewarage system was backing up and raw poo was somehow over-flowing in to his house. He accused me of taking the mother of all stinky shits in his bathroom but no... It was just me pissing shit out my cock.

True story.
(aroe_m0rre, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 17:22, Reply)

I'm not particulary gassy myself but...
I do seem to be cursed by inopportune creaks, cracks, and rumbles that can easily be mistaken for a guff. Trying to explain this apparent hex is often met with withered stares and looks of mild incredulity. It's not my fault that I always seem to pick the creaky chair or happen to live next to a train line. Of course that doesn't really explain the strange musty smell that accompanies such events. It must be the ectoplasm left behind by the phantom......I geuss.
( Smithlick is often seen at the bottom of threads, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 17:16, Reply)

Fact 1: There's a subset or women
who are extra offended if anyone farts in their earshot, and when challenged will claim to never fart themselves.

Fact 2: There’s all these adverts on telly for woman suffering from ‘bloat’ insisting they need to drink Actimel or whatever...Just fucking fart for fucks sake.
( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Fri 13 Jul 2007, 17:13, Reply)

My farts
only happen once in a very big while, but when they do happen nobody is there. I'm polite, so i keep my farts for my own entertainment. Apart from the school Ginger Jehovas Witness. He was alright and everything, but you just got pissed off at his parents knocking on your door so you need to somehow exact your revenge upon their next of kin. So big was this rage then whenever i was in a class room with him i would be able to brew up the most loud, foul smelling arse gas bomb imaginable. So naturally I stroll past him to the front to get some more notepaper and as i walk past him, unleash gassy, smelly brown fog hell into his face.
Here is the general plan of action which i think is best described through the medium on MS Paint:


Here is the general layout of the classroom, showing me, the Jehovas Witness and the teacher. So i walk past him and fart on him. Simple enough.

Unfortunately one day I departed my desk, and as I began my normal route i felt a slight disturbance in the force...A certain lateness or feeling of impending doom.
As i left the teachers desk I unleashed the Demon in a flurry of gas and an ear splitting death rattle.
On the teacher.

Cue certain amount of laughter which was eventually shut off after five minutes, and an hours detention for me.

It was SO worth it.
(Snailfighter Mk VIII MASTER of the bits underneath the ledges on fences, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 17:12, Reply)