A great improvement would be
if I really could turn into Jeremy Clarkson, and then shoot myself in the head.

Have you noticed, not only is that lanky twat everywhere, but he's everywhen as well. I've got caught twice buying one of his books at an airport and finding out it's the best part of 20 years old.

Who the hell wants Jeremy Claxon's opinion on a fucking 1994 Toyota Celica, in 2011?

"I'm 6' 4" you know . . . " Tosser.
(username failed moderation, Fri 23 Sep 2011, 12:13, 4 replies)

Free Free Free Nelson Mandela*
* Subject to availability. Terms and conditions apply.
(gordonjcp, Fri 23 Sep 2011, 12:10, 2 replies)

Here are a few more.
Supermarkets want to make money out of us - and they succeed - but to level the playing field a bit, it should be illegal for them to use different units for the same frigging foodstuff so that it's virtually impossible to tell which is the best value. Example: tomatoes, one is priced £2.68/kg, another is 314p per kg another, is 65.8p per gram another is £1.75 for four, another is $8.75 per dozen, another is £4.99 for two packs, another 71p per unit. W....T....F....????

We need a campaign to smash the indicators of cars that refuse to use them when turning, moving lanes on the motorway or pulling out. Funny how these same drivers know how to use their hazard lights when there's no hazard in sight apart from the hazard of picking up a ticket from their illegal double-parking. Grrr.

Also, when politicians are being interviewed, and they use the interviewer's first name every fucking answer they give, the interviewer should be allowed to say: "Look fuckwit, don't use my first name because we're not friends and never will be, you complete and utter tosser."

But mainly, let's really fix the world by giving up on the 'Growth is good' mantra. Let's aim for a sustainable economy. After all, life's pretty good for most of us, why do we want 3% more next year? Why do we need to upgrade things every year, let's aim for zero percent inflation, zero percent growth and just being happy with what we've got. Governments have to balance their fucking budgets every year, i.e. spend what they can collect in taxes and not borrow billions to pay interest on loans taken out to make tax cuts to win elections. Like Legless said: if you want a war, hold a referendum, and if the answer is "yes", then they'll have to ask for donations to fund it.

And Microsoft can stop tinkering with stuff. When has one of their so-called upgrades every delivered an increase in productivity for anyone but them? I have to use Powerpoint - what's the deal with all the friggin' copies of the 'Master slides'?? You used to be able to, say, insert slide number on the master, and presto! it would appear on ALL THE SLIDES. Now? There are more master slides than actual slides. If anyone knows how to kill this, do let me know.

And relax....
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Fri 23 Sep 2011, 12:06, 9 replies)

internet UK speeds
my web speeds at home are a pile of total toss

I get 2.5mb download speed tops of
most days i get a meg
(I live just outside of Bristol)

Why in this day and age arent all communications
being optimised in the UK ?
isnt good communications key to building a better society ?

Can any betan than is technical actually seriously answer this
question for a everyday joe please ?
(Cov Boy, Fri 23 Sep 2011, 12:04, 15 replies)

Paying for further education
Legless' post below dragged up one of my older ideas...

Further education should only be funded if it's useful to society, necessary or promotes the advancement of knowledge.

Any further education establishment is free to run any course it chooses, with any number of places, so long as they can get them funded. The students themselves should not pay fees, as the courses are, by definition, necessary or useful to society.

How would this work?

Simple - employers pay for the course 'slots' up-front with specific institutions on the basis of the quality of their courses and graduates. For larger companies, they are rewarded with tax breaks when they employ a graduate of a funded course on the full value of the funding, plus the first year's salary of the new employee (as an incentive/reward). If they don't hire as planned, they lose the tax break. If they employ more than planned, they receive an addtional, but smaller tax break.

The employers get a say in the structure and content of the course, ensuring it meets their expected needs (no more complaining of graduates who don't have the necessary skills).

Non-profit employers such as the NHS, local government / civil service, have a proportion of their budget determined by these advance investments. If they don't hire in the future, their budgets are cut according to performance agaist planned intakes.

Academic institutions may sponsor places on courses themselves and receive funding, on the basis of planned post-graduate activity, e.g. PhD places, research projects, academic positions. If they are not able to generate the external funding or sponsorship of these planned activities, they have their funding cut in the future. This covers the advancement of knowledge for more societally marginal subjects.

Small businesses may not be able to afford to pay for course places (including for vocational courses and apprenticeship associated training) up front, but may still 'sponsor' places. If they sponsor a place, they receive an up-front tax break of an average 1st year's salary spread across the duration of the course. If they do not hire at the end of it, this must be repaid.

Financially, this means that the burden of further education is partially lifted from both government and individuals. Government can redirect these funds towards other activties promoting economic growth, which in turn drives more jobs in the future. The tax breaks 2-3 years down the line are paid for by this economic growth and the revenue from the future employment commitments.

Students have a greater expectation of graduate employment as the courses are based on expected requirements. They do not need to be employed by the source of the funding for their course, but their course will at least meet the specific needs of employers. They may also be able to obtain summer jobs/internships with the employers providing funding.

Employers have a more direct input into courses and may even participate in the delivery of education - bringing the theory and practice more in sync. The long term nature of the funding means that they need to think more strategically and consider where they want to be in 3/4/10 years and what people / skills they will need to support this.

Academic instituations will find themselves having to become more relevant in short order. Courses which do not generate demand will be dropped very quickly, and funding will naturally flow to the highest quality institutions. Other institutions will respond by becoming more competitive in order to attract the funding away from the more successful institutions.

Not very Clarkson, I know, but I do think it fixes a few problems all in one...
( Fireflier La la la la, not listening on, Fri 23 Sep 2011, 11:57, 4 replies)

Now that the interwebs and televisions are so well developed, shirley it's time for companies to seriously consider
telecommuting, adjusting core hour times, and remote working, to avoid rush hours in cities?

Also, I cannot recommend clicking Ring Of Fire's post featuring "Dogs shall all have floppy ears, and be 'a bit daft'" highly enough.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 23 Sep 2011, 11:54, 1 reply)

free free free
Nelson Mandela
( sutit only the crumbliest, flakiest posts, Fri 23 Sep 2011, 11:52, Reply)

Third World debt
Send the baliffs in to take all their stuff if they haven't paid up by next Thursday. Whichever way it turns out, all our economic woes should be sorted.
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Fri 23 Sep 2011, 11:42, 11 replies)

Replace war with pistol duels
If world leaders are so keen someone should die for their cause then they should lead the way and settle it like gentlemen. That way they are sure to exhaust all diplomatic solutions first and if all else fails only one nob head dies.

If Bush Snr. and Saddam had just settled it at dawn we could have saved ourselves a lot of bother.

War would no longer cost trillions. Just a one way plane ticket for one and a musket ball. We could stop developing weapons and use the money spent on guns, bombs and tanks to feed poor people or something.
( Draconacticus Reject shampoo. Demand real poo!, Fri 23 Sep 2011, 11:39, 8 replies)

Office Scrums and other Agile brainstorming
If you dont know what a "Scrum master" is thank jesus now

If you do you'll know what i mean when i say this practice
will be banned for ever and ever and will never be spoken of again
in the future of humanity.

I would love to meet the asshole responsible for coming up with the idea of throwing a small rubber rugby (stress) ball
around between team members to brainstorm and work through work projects.
(Cov Boy, Fri 23 Sep 2011, 11:38, 5 replies)

Global debt
Seeing as no one knows who everyone owes money to, and none of the debt is tanglible - it's just sat as a set of figuers in some double-entry (fnarr fnarr) digital ledger - let's just write it all off and start from scratch. A kind of ctrl-alt-del for the global economy, might be able to get it in just in time to stop it crashing like the virus-ridden Windows 95 box it's performing like!

Or you know, free kittens for everyone.
( Uncle Tom I command thee to wibble, Fri 23 Sep 2011, 11:36, 3 replies)

On buses there should be an ejector seat system built into the seats at the front
so that if some lazy fuck can't be bothered walking the length of themselves to find a seat and sits there, meaning a sweet old man or lady has to totter up the bus to sit down , the rest of the bus can vote to eject the lazy fuck and free the seat up for the sweet old or special person.
( horace wimp needs more than 49 characters to fully express hi, Fri 23 Sep 2011, 11:31, Reply)

If you stick your finger up a girls bum
They become yours
(Dwarfsmuggler Has hogtied Snow White, Fri 23 Sep 2011, 11:29, 7 replies)

I once watched the TV show "Peter Andre here to help"
He seems like a chap with some drive who can negotiate free spray tans for kids by offering to whore himself out for twenty minutes or so.

I reckon Peter Andre should be asked to solve all this shit out.
( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Fri 23 Sep 2011, 11:27, 4 replies)

roads and pavements
We all pay for them ( i would guess we pay more than we ever have for them)
Why is the condition of them so bad for motorists and pedestrians alike ?

Why do i read stories about councils removing gum cleaning services ?
i should be able to eat my dinner off those bastards
they should be that clean and perfect.
(Cov Boy, Fri 23 Sep 2011, 11:25, 1 reply)

The usual about chavs, politicians etc
Take them as read...
My own one...
All these global multi-nationals that make what is basically expensive disposable electronics, tv's dvd players etc - Apple, Intel, Amd, Sony, Toshiba etc etc
Make them spend a percentage of their budgets on alternative energy research production - be it fusion, wind, wave, solar, biological.
And on a lighter note, pay fat f*cks like me to sit on an exercise bike connected to a turbine.
(Darth Thump, Fri 23 Sep 2011, 11:25, 1 reply)

Bicycles to have numberplates and to ride be trained and be policed just as motorbikes are.
IE: an obligatory test, and subject to all fines, speeding restrictions, and laws of the road that cars are, and to be policed as such.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 23 Sep 2011, 11:23, 18 replies)

PEOPLE OF B3TA!
Your ideas for fixing the world are well-meaning, but ultimately a naïve. The world will be improved by them in certain cosmetic respects, but the big problems will remain unaddressed.

What the world needs is a genuine vision. Something that will shake it to the core, raze it to the ground, and start again.

A radical change. Epoch-making. Tectonic.

We must rebuild the world in such a way as to mean that the old world is not just a memory; it must not be a memory at all. It must be an impossibility in the minds of the enlightened children of the future - a mere incoherence.

We must prepare for something cataclysmic. Nothing else will do.

And if we examine the darkest and deepest recesses of our collective souls, we know what form this cataclysm must take.

Friends, b3tans, lurkers, all. There is no time to hesitate. Now is the time for action.

The label must be redesigned so that it actually fits bottles of Angostura bitters.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Fri 23 Sep 2011, 11:18, 10 replies)

Ban conductors
Not bus conductors - we need more of them to tell chavs to get their feet off the seats and turn off their shitty R&B - orchestra conductors are the ones I'm talking about.

What in the name of Mozart's arse do they actually do? In the orchestra you have a collection of highly talented, thoroughly practised, professional musicians who could probably play the entire piece with their eyes closed. All they need is someone to give them the nod so that they all start at the same time. But nooooooooooooooo, instead you have some self-important, dressed-up twat who insists on flailing and gurning his way through the entire piece and then, the final insult, turning and bowing to the audience at the end as if to say "Oh yes, that was all me! Ignore the large crowd of people with instruments behind me, they didn't do anything. It's my name that's going to be on the CD cover, not theirs!"

Put them all in a huge trebuchet and fling them into the middle of the Atlantic I say.
(flimflam_machine, Fri 23 Sep 2011, 11:18, 5 replies)

Power
Build some nuclear power stations

They are the only answer that actually works
(BiggestNizzy your company name here pm for rates., Fri 23 Sep 2011, 11:16, 6 replies)

Wasps should be genetically modified to be born without stingers
That way they can still perform their role as population regulators for other insects, which they don't need their stingers for anyway, and I can sit in my garden in the summer in fuckng peace.
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Fri 23 Sep 2011, 11:11, 5 replies)

Old skool product sizes and name changes
Remember bigger mars bars ?
Remember curly wurlys that were a lot larger than they are now ?
Remember monster munch that were the size of small monkeys fists ?

come to think of it remember Oil of Ulay instead of Oil of Olay ?
and marathons instead of snickers ?

Me too

Why do manufacturers think people wont notice or care
when they change their products ?

Lets bring back old product sizing and names. Fuck you marketing fuck you finance department if you want a smaller mars bars
get a proper sized one on the end of a huge pole and shove it in and out of your arseholes until it melts.
(Cov Boy, Fri 23 Sep 2011, 11:11, 3 replies)

My jezza moment
* University only for the top 20%, the rest can do apprenticeships, agriculture or get a job, any job. Free for the top 10%, double price for everyone else. Triple for the Scottish for not letting us go to their universities for free.

* Welfare and Benefits only allowed after 5 years residency and then only if you have contributed at least 5 years basic rate tax or are medically unfit to do a desk job, tested every six months. If you don't qualify, then you have to work for it. Every year a first name is selected and then anyone with that name doesn't get any money all year. Randomness keeps people on their toes.

* Being a fatty is not a disability or your "bones", there are no obese people in countries where food is scarce.

* Removal of all safety features on cars, replaced with internal spikes and razor blades. That'll slow everyone down and made them more careful.

* All MPs to have to have been in a real job for at least ten years before being allowed to do it. No expenses, but a good salary that is performance-linked, decided by electorate. Real jobs does not include working in politics or unions. Local constituents able to call re-elections every year if a majority feel MP is under performing. Failed MPs to be made to work in PR for Greggs the Baker for the rest of their working life.

* Anyone called Tarquin to be put in a barrel of pickled herrings.

* If you are on benefits or welfare you are not allowed to vote for the incumbent Government. That'll stop political parties buying votes through state handouts and get them focused on getting people working again.

* Every year a tenth of the population pay no tax. Save it up and do something special. Like buy a lifetime of baked beans.

* No one in any walk of public life to earn more than the Prime Minister. They run the country, how could your job be worth more?

* No more taxes. 40% is more than enough if governments would stop wasting it.
(plankton, Fri 23 Sep 2011, 11:10, 9 replies)

Politicians
Link their pensions to how well things ae going when they leave office.

Work out some kind of performance indicator that links how good or bad things are at the start of their term inflation/jobs/spending etc and if things are better when they leave they get the whole pension if things are worse they get less.
(BiggestNizzy your company name here pm for rates., Fri 23 Sep 2011, 11:10, Reply)

State assisted work programs.
Unemployed? No, you won't get benefits for watching telly.

From Mon-Fri 10am-4pm you'll work in your local community.

Crews will do jobs to aid the town by painting civic buildings, cleaning beaches/public gardens/playgrounds and painting equipment, power hosing pavements and paths, cleaning graffiti, working in recycling centres and other jobs.

Cheap contracts could even be arranged with local businesses and work to help charities could be free. Churchyards weeded, mown and tidied. Elderly people could book crews to do their gardens, mend fences and other home jobs.

Attend the whole week or no benefits for you.

It'll never be as simple as that mind.
( Maffers I flow kinda strange like Spina Bifida footprints, Fri 23 Sep 2011, 11:09, 11 replies)

Jail
If you get convicted of an offence and jails are full you get stuck on a waiting list for when there is a free space. IF you have a job then you only goto jail on your days off.

So if you get 1 year in prison it could take you 3.5 years of no weekends.
(BiggestNizzy your company name here pm for rates., Fri 23 Sep 2011, 11:07, 4 replies)

Spiders.
They've got too many legs, I'm only going to allow them to have three.
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Fri 23 Sep 2011, 11:01, 3 replies)

Right Then!
Obesity.
On warm summer days it should be illegal to wear anything apart from a pair of tiny swimming trunks (skimpy bikini for the ladies) and a footwear. The fat wobblies amongst us will be shamed into getting thin. Obviously seats on public transport will need to be replaced with washable towelling covers.

Fashion is shit.
It shall be illegal to sell any item of clothing that advertises it’s makers name by way of a label, logo or pattern, apart from Speedos.

Society
Anyone who moans about something shall be held in custody until they have developed a workable, cost effective solution that is acceptable to the people. This includes driving, immigration, cyclists and ‘the unemployed’.
To aid cohesion, a Wednesday afternoon table tennis league will be run in all workplaces, schools and public institution. All shall attend.

Dogs
Dogs shall have floppy ears and be ‘a bit daft’.

Cats
Cat owners shall be obliged to spend Tuesday mornings crawling around on their hands and knees in neighbours gardens searching for shit. They shall carry the shit home in their pockets, or under a hat.

Social Services
Free anger management courses for short people.
( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Fri 23 Sep 2011, 10:48, 4 replies)

"instore"
"See instore for details." Why not "see inside"? It's shorter. The meaning is clear. And, crucially, it does not butcher the beautiful, diverse English language in the name of corporate analinguistics.

It's easy to stop this by using a variation on the fine old Roman practice of decimation. When a company uses the word "instore" in its "signage", one in ten employees - and the whole board - should be burned alive at the stake in public. Passages from Fowler's Dictionary of Modern English Usage should be read aloud during the process for the sake of their lost souls.

Next week: the grocer's apostrophe
( calgacus Non sum qualis eram bonae sub regno Cynarae, Fri 23 Sep 2011, 10:44, 4 replies)

A serious suggestion for now...
Give drivers licenses a time limit - passing your test gives you permission to drive for five years, after which you need to re sit the test to prove your continued competence - so the pensioners who can hardly see and insist on heading out on a sunday for a nice wee drive and clogging up the roads driving at half the speed limit on clear, straight sections of the road you can safely drive double (though obviously we all stick religiously to the stated limit...).

My only regret is that this fails to curb arsehole drivers who will presumably reign themselves in for the hour of their test.
(442, Fri 23 Sep 2011, 10:42, 5 replies)