The Cinema
Back when I was married, I was at the cinema with my ex and my mate and his missus. My mate and my ex went to buy tickets and me and his wife went to get drinks and sweets. Having bought the drinks and a magnum I spotted the popcorn counter. Then the ghost of Rev Spooner grabbed control of my brain and I said "Do you fancy come cock porn?"

She gave me a look.
( Zoblet, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 15:04, 1 reply)

p roste !
my first pearoast !

Waiting for a sandwich in the staff canteen.
Very attractive Asian girl serving.
"Can I help you?"
Guy in front of me- "Yes - do you have brown baps ?"
( dogfish, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 15:00, 1 reply)

A woman walks into a bar...
...and asks for a double entendre.

So the barman gives her one.

{thank you Bill Bailey for making me laugh til I puke}
(jazzyjay, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 14:57, Reply)

Every time it never fails
I am just a few months short of my 30th Birthday. Well read and with a wide range of interests, I have a degree and work in the heritage sector. I consider myself a well-rounded intelligent chap with a mature outlook on life.

Yet despite all this. Whenever I watch a nature programme on marine life, no matter who the narrator is, regardless the highbrow exposition and sweeping majestic classical accompanying music.

When ever reference is made to those smallest of creatures the ones down the food chain who Hoover the seabed for sustenance; I never fail to be reduced to a quivering sniggering wreck by the perfectly innocent term “Bottom Feeders”.
( The magic of chutney Shakes it like an Instagram filter!, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 14:56, 3 replies)

SUNDAY JOINT….
I enjoy smoking marijuana and my Dad is all too aware of this. One weekend when I was about 15, my Dad was making a Sunday roast when my little brother piped up “What’s for tea?” to which my Dad answered “a joint”. My brother asked him what a joint was and my Dad said, in his best sarcastic voice, “ask you sister!”

Cheers Pops!!!
( DUMBLONDE is a rubber lover girl, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 14:52, Reply)

Who loves bobby?
(For those who don't know, "boaby" or "bobby" is Scottish slang for "cock".)

The other week me and my boyfriend took our dog to the park. The park is popular with other dog walkers, so the dogs play and all us owners just chat to each other.

There was a chat about some of the dogs that hadn't been to the park recently, including one called "Bobby". One fellow dog walker - a lovely woman in her 40's - not posh, but then definitely not Jeremy Kyle fodder was there and loud as you like announced, "Oh I LOVE Bobby".

Bf immediately gave me the "stop it" eyes.
(mr_spoon, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 14:49, 1 reply)

The bush
A few techy guys crowded around a computer screen at work, when my dad points at the screen and says..

"Look - you can see my wife's bush!!"

I don't think looking at our garden on Google Earth was what everyone had in mind.
(trampoliningrach, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 14:46, Reply)

I still giggle like a loon...
...when anyone mentions the term 'a knob of butter'.
( sneep used to date Freddie Starr's hamster, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 14:32, 5 replies)

Office woes
This is happening to me as we metaphorically speak...

Although I’ve had my position at work more or less confirmed as safe (unless some other poor sod that hasn’t been matched decides to launch a challenge on my position later this month), it’s fair to say that my job is driving me up the wall just now. Internal bureaucracy, you see.

I’ve got a couple of biggish projects on at the moment, and I’m trying to get around £4.5m worth of investment accepted into the business process by Monday lunchtime. I’ve been banging away at work all morning, when suddenly I find that I have to pull out of what I’m doing. I’m not being pulled off completely, but I’ve suddenly found myself at a point where I can’t finish off because some small-minded, technical arse with a 'can't do' attitude has put a barrier in the way. I’m nearly there as well - it’s got me a bit frustrated, I don’t mind saying. To cap it all, my boss wasn’t at his desk when this happened, so I had to whip him out during a meeting for a couple of minutes and fill him in. His head went a very rich shade of purple indeed. Fortunately he managed to stop himself from exploding in the middle of the office, but I have a suspicion that things are going to get a bit messy later.

*Sigh*

It’s now some three hours later, and I’m no further forward with this. No one has given me anything, so I’m just going to finish the job anyway, although I'm going to really have to cram it in. All I can say is that it’s Friday and there’s a nice, long, cool, stiff one with my name on it when I get home.

I might also get a shag
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 13 Jun 2008, 14:28, 8 replies)

My father and the lesbiam
My dad, asked the steely faced, butch lesbian working behind the bar in our local what "clam bashing" was.

Not really an innuendo as such, but he really didnt know what it was... and we lived near a river, and the local had a great reputation for fresh sea food - he'd put two and two together and made a bit of a mistake.
(Kaplaaah Wasting time on the net since 1994., Fri 13 Jun 2008, 14:26, Reply)

crap
a few dumbass swipe comments:

my schoolfriends and i all used to use the word "wank" just to mean old, crappy or shit. still do, really. so when i went to university, and the shower in my little en-suite cabin bathroom leaked, i announced brightly:

"the floor was getting so wet, i had to lie my wank towel on it."

i also trapped my hand in the door and announced loudly:

"god, i've just fucked my finger."

finally, i'd had a restless night after dreaming that a huge python was in bed with me and my ex, oswald. at the pub over drinks, i said seriously:

"i really couldn't sleep last night. i kept thinking there was a huge snake in bed with me!"

at which point oswald preened himself, saying: "ah, that was no snake, rswipe......." and everyone laughed and mocked me.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 14:26, 20 replies)

Account Director
I was once sensible enough to NOT advise a colleague that on a letter she was sending to a client that she had missed out the 'o' in the job title 'Account Director' under her signature .
( beaubodor blogless, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 14:25, 2 replies)

Library facial
I worked in a school in Australia for my GAP year, it was a crazy time out there what with all the sunshine and a mistaken police raid on me when at work once (may write that one up later).. however my employers sent me to work in the library for a few hours each lunchtime with a little, late middle-aged Indian lady named Donna.
Donna was famed for wearing the sort of revealling clothes a teenage jezabel would whilst at the same time managing to be a typical librarian prude.
I distinctly remember her over a period of weeks getting more annoyed with this young guy who kept stealing from the library and told me and a colleague in broken English "When i catch that boy i am going to sit on his face!!!" to which i started breathing out of my arsehole trying not to laugh... im not sure if she meant "sit on his head" never-the-less i forgot about the incident until she caught this kid in the act mid-lesson and in front of a teacher and 30 kids exclaimed wildly "Boy! i feel like sitting on your FACE!"... not entirely sure if it innuendo but i got a cheap laugh, as did the whole class and horrified teacher!
Oh well...
(SteroidPigOhurugu, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 14:24, Reply)

Wedding juice
My father-in-law is always keen to talk to strangers but it has caught him out a few times.

At breakfast in the hotel, the morning after my brother's wedding, he was waiting in the large queue at the buffet to get a glass of orange juice. An attractive young lady with an ample bosom and very tightly fitting jumper was struggling to pour her glass of juice whilst also holding her plate of food and her cutlery.

Up steps the father-in-law, spots the drink-pouring problem, and is keen to help the poor lass...."WHAT MASSIVE JUGS!" he says in a very loud voice.

Girl goes bright red and hastily makes her retreat. Father in law doesn't realise what he's done.

Mother in law looks on, stony faced.
( propellerhed, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 14:18, Reply)

Every time I take the bus into Wakefield, I see
this.
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 14:13, 4 replies)

My Nanna (Gawd rest 'er)...
...used to describe dirty or grubby things (such as a young lad's clothes, for instance) as "wanky".

Sadly, by the time my brother and I were born she'd been dissuaded from using it by my Uncle, who had explained to her that it didn't mean the same in darkest Braintree as it did where she grew up.
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 14:13, 2 replies)

Only last night
at a work party, me and my workmates were making the most of the free food. Some nachos and chilli were brought out and we all helped ourselves. Julian (for that really *is* his name), who also happens to be gay and a little bit camp, managed to get a nacho that was absolutely loaded with chili. One of the girls asked him "How come you always manage to get so much?", to which he replied, in all innocence...

"I always take them from the bottom"

I almost choked to death laughing.
( chart cat has an itch, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 14:13, 2 replies)

Select condom
Insert £2
Twist knob sharply to the left

.
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 14:12, Reply)

When working late in the US of A
we used to ring security from random phones. The security guard would pick up the phone and say "Hello, X speaking, Protective Services".

To which I'd say "Is that really Protective Services".

To which he'd reply "Yes Sir, it really is".

We screamed with laughter as we said "In that case, would you grease my trojan." and hung up.

Happy days.
( Piper Alpha is being a grumpy northerm bastard on:, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 14:09, 3 replies)

The joys of forklift driving
In the warehouse where I work we have some stock that is stacked in columns on the floor and some which is stacked in racking. One incident that springs to mind was when I was driving my forklift truck throught the racking area when a female colleague was stood with a pallet truck and needed some stock dropped down. I obliged and then turned a corner and had a time wasting chat with a mate of mine.
Skip forward 2 minutes to the point where she comes around the corner and says the immortal line, 'can I have just one more drop, please?'.

Cue hysterical fits of chuckles, guffaws and tears.
(steve dubbleyoo, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 14:08, Reply)

Spunk in her
My Gran is very much of the old school and therefore many words have a very different meaning to her than they do others.

A good few years back we were discussing my wayward sister (aged 12 at the time) and Gran came out with:

"She certainly has got a lot of spunk in her".

Cue much histerical laughing by me and my brother. She wanted to know what we found so funny so my Dad piped up with "Mother, these days spunk means semen". I think she was quite horrified.
(Tom Jones's Mojo Hasn't had any since, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 14:05, Reply)

When I worked in 'fampton...
...there was a lady in the Training and Development Building who was in charge of booking out the rooms therein.

My mate Tom and I used to crack up like schoolboys every time we had to book a room, as the conversation invariably went something along the lines of:

"Training and Development"
"Hi, it's Prof KM from IT. Can I book the Seminar Room for next Wednesday at 10 o'clock"
"Ooh, I don't know, let's have a look."
*noise of flicking through a diary*
"Ooh Prof, I've just managed to squeeze you in there!"

etc =)


Length? Not all that, but apparently quite wide...
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 13:55, Reply)

..is it just me??
Twenty years of being in an office environment (relaxed down here in the Antipodes) has provided a few examples that have caused blushes for a few, and laughes for many.

This Christmas found us sailing on a square-sailed schooner around the harbour off Hobart. Secret Santa resulted in one of my workmates receiving face paint, and proceeding to corner a number of us and painting Christmas decorations on our well-liquored mugs.

The afternoon was well and truely rounded out when her mother, along for the ride and similarly annointed with paint, turned to me and asked "if mine was starting to get stiff yet?" I managed to restrain myself, and replied that yes indeed my facepaint was starting to dry...

It pales though in comparison to my party-piece. Reviewing a procurement contract for my contracts manager, I was, in my normal way, efficient in picking up spelling mistakes and grammer issues. I sat down on the spare chair at her deak, and commented that in my normal manner I had been anal about spelling.

She smiled and said in a clear voice "that's alright Aln - I like anal..."

Cue silence, much blushing (on both sides) and a story that I will treasure for ever.
(alnhelzz, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 13:51, 3 replies)

Royal Opera
Several years ago the Royal Opera decided to introduce English titles, projected above the stage, so that people who don't speak German, French or Italian can understand what is going on. Despite predictable objections from some purists, the idea caught on and is now standard practice. There were initial teething problems, not least that nobody checked the translations for unintentional double entendres.

I remember a performance of Siegfried not long after the titles had been introduced. In the third Act Siegfried wakes Brunnhilde, who has been sleeping on a rock guarded by magic flames as a punishment for disobeying her father Wotan. After Siegfried wakes her, she comments on the shabby state of her armour, and this was translated as something like "And see, my helmet has not been polished."

Needless to say there was a huge roar of laughter from the more juvenile among the audience - such as me - and it was very difficult to take the rest of the performance of this marvellous work seriously.
(eesnahk, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 13:50, 1 reply)

In my home town there's a landscaping company called "Hole Quest".

Gets me every time.
( Bongmaster Is a Junglist Soldier., Fri 13 Jun 2008, 13:43, 5 replies)

Not me but one of my customers.
I used to work with the public *shudder*

One of my more memorable customer was a very proper middle aged woman who came to the counter to ask for something.

She stood before me, resplendent in her twinset glory, and completely messed up what she was asking for. She pulled a face, and then exclaimed,

"Oh I'm sorry! I feel like I've had someone's tongue in me all day!"*

I bit my lip, and managed to serve her with a straight face. My counterpart, however, did not. He crouched on the floor behind the counter and started to silently laugh. I could see him out the corner of my eye, shoulders shaking and hand shoved in his mouth. Which made it even harder for me not to laugh. Alastair, the manager, fled to the dictionary section where he could be heard to guffaw loudly across the shop. Bunch of bastards.

However, I managed to finish the sale and send her on her merry way before collapsing behind the counter for ten minutes.

*Where I'm from at least there's a phrase that sounds not dissimilar, but it's more like, "I feel like I've got someone else's tongue"...
(The Oncoming Storm, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 13:42, Reply)

Wedding Ring
At my best mate's wedding recently. After the excitement of the registry office, and the tedium of the drive to the reception, we were all stood around in the marquee waiting for the guests to trickle in. Comments were made about the groom's wedding ring, and how it looked a little tight.

"If you want to know about a tight ring, ask my wife," he announced sagely, in front of all the parents and everything. It took some time for service to resume as normal.
(franktard, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 13:34, 1 reply)

Dick Cheese
as consumer relations manager of major dairy products company in oz for 2 years the number of times I had to speak with a little old granny or gramps because they wanted to commend me on the taste of my dick cheese, or my dick cheese taste a little funny or my dick cheese is not its usual consistency...

see photo for proof

www.dicksmithfoods.com/index.php?d=products&p=cheese_spread
(BirdFlu4Bush -----{|||only users lose drugs||==((|), Fri 13 Jun 2008, 13:29, 3 replies)

Not an innuendo, but an enjoyable typo...
Years ago, when I was barely a twinkle in the milkman's eye, my mother used to work for Cummins* in a secretarial sort of capacity. They had a machine, the name of which I can't remember, which was a bit like a primitive form of instant messenger system - you typed a message on a QWERTY keyboard and pressed 'send.' This was how they dealt with short communications with their American office.

One of the head honchos at the American office was called Chuck White.

Look at your keyboards. Notice how close 'W' is to 'S.'

Cue my mother's colleague coming back into the office, red-faced, saying "You'll never guess what I just typed..."

*_{Ok I tell a lie, there's an innuendo...}
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 13:28, 1 reply)

Lectured by Mrs Slocombe
When I was at college in the late eighties doing my IT diploma, we had a lovely lady in her fifties who used to take us (fnurk) for some module or other (communication skills or something). She was a very friendly, matronly type of woman that we all treated like a favourite aunt.
One day, me and a mate were dicking about (oo-er) playing Rogue, a character mapped D&D type game that was the popular time waster of the age. Mrs Lecturer came up, asked what we were doing and said that we should really be getting on with our coursework. The gentle nudging didn’t work, so she got a little more ‘aggressive’ in her tactics.
Not a word of a lie, she said “Look boys, if you don’t get on with your work I’ll beat you up! I know how to; I practice on my pussy every night!!”
Me and my mate, through barely stifled giggles suggested a brew to each other and pissed ourselves laughing all the way down to the refectory.
(Ghostlight, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 13:26, Reply)