insult
She has a face like a welders bench.


oh, someone posted it a few pages down, but I have also been told to "go put a ticket on a helicopter"
I dont get it either.
(dave likes cheese, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 23:06, Reply)

15 years ago
Me and my mate were on our way to a part when these two little yoofs stopped us. They were trying to sell us a Street Fighter game and we told them to fuck off.
They kept hassling us until my mate grabbed the game and threw it into the road. As they ran off to get it one of them turned around and yelled 'Oi, Fat eyes, you cunt."
15 years later and we still call him Fat Eyes. He even uses it as his email address.
(Creamy Discharge Freeze Motherstickers, this is a fuck up, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 23:03, Reply)

My mate Ed...
We were playing pool down t'local and enjoying a few beers. It's worth noting at this point, that t'pool balls in t'local are blue and yellow. It's my shot... and being totally inept at pool manage to sink a blue instead of on of my allotted yellows. Ed laughs and tells me that the ball I just potted was "blue as a stillborn".

While anyone else in earshot was probably mortally offended this was just standard fare from the gutter that is Ed's vocabulary.

Ed lines up the first of his two shots and takes it... and fucks it up royally. He explodes with a selfdeprecating tirade, culminating in "Ed! You SPANNER!". I laughed like a tit, with a mouthful of beer. The beer went up my nose and by cuntyfuck it stings!! Wich amused everyone else in the room.
( SubCulture Hero ... ... He... .... Comes ... ...., Thu 4 Oct 2007, 23:02, Reply)

Mc
Generally including a 'Mc' in the insult makes it more humourous and therefore effective;

e.g.

'You cunt'

becomes

'Cunty McCunterson'.

Topical ones are always more effective anyway, as we all know (e.g. 'Squishyface' - Jarhead)

Not to mention the old classic

'I'd rather shit on my hands and clap'

Yours, Biggus McPenison
(kris kringle I only posted this message to find out the date on, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 22:59, Reply)

Muffins.
No, not the crumpet/muffin kind of muffin, not some poor excuse for a sexual innuendo, but I have found in recent years that muffins can easily replace monkeys when in the feminine form:

Cockmonkey - Cuntmuffin.

Der Schwanzaffe - Die Muschimuffin.

Apply plural where appropriate; extended foreign language dictionary to follow.
(Frozen_Banana Shaved against the grain; thoroughly unrewarding., Thu 4 Oct 2007, 22:50, Reply)

Well possibly not the best insult...infact not an insult at all, more of an insulting threat
My friend James has many a funny story from his childhood - he was a strange child.

His second funniest story is from when he had just begun secondary school. This one boy, I think his name was possibly John, used to pick on him with the kind of finesse only a previously bullied year 9 can do. Not just shouting "greebo" at him but also the higher grade technique of reverse-bullying, a la Janitor/JD.

Anyway, during one of these reverse bullying "skits", James was getting quite ovewhelmed by the situation and decided to end this all here. After plucking up enough courage he took a firm step forwards and pronounced, "SHUT THE FUCK UP OR I'LL WANK YOU!"

Of course James must have been slightly confused in regards to the definition of the word wank. Anyhow, it was extremely effectiveand I don't think John bullied him again for fear of getting wanked.

Oh and if you're interested; his best story is when he was walking from his house to the city centre, dressed as a baby and ended up having to parry and then headbut an agressing chav to the delight of everyone. The less details about that particular story, the more magical I think :)
( Grundlebiscuit, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 22:49, Reply)

a good friend of mine...
...would advice people that they could eat the peanuts out of his shit
(Stonkwood Pipes made me do it, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 22:46, Reply)

Not the insult
but the way it was delivered.

A collegue of mine changed the Windows keyboards noises on a particularly annoying co-workers keyboard to say "Steve, you fat cunt" each time he hit a certain key.

And the best bit was annyoing co-worker, despite have professed to be an expert in all things computery, couldn't work out how to switch it off...

Nice.
(Rakky (forgot her password) The muffin maverick, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 22:45, Reply)

Blade 3
Has one of the best insults, i think.
Hannibal King calls a vampire a "cock juggling thundercunt"

Plus I if anyone ever has a go at me about something, i have one in reserve.
"i'm sorry, I don't speak cunt"

I told a mate, and he used it before I could. Twunt
(northern seth back is giving him jip again, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 22:45, Reply)

Make them think about it:
Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to find Koff and fuck him.
(chipotlechris Cthulhu beast by day, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 22:38, Reply)

i think
the new south park episode sums it all up.
(iainhasaface is freezing, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 22:35, Reply)

Running joke...
I'm not actually fat. Its ironic. But for years now my friends have called me fatty.

We went camping and this was at the time that "What's that coming over the hill?" song was popular. So we were singing songs drunkenly. I came back from somewhere and my friend turned around and shoutsanged;

"WHAT'S THAT HILL? ITS WATERINGCAN! ITS WATERINGCAN!"

Maybe you had to be there.
(ladyintheradiator, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 22:34, Reply)

a boy once said the the girl that lived next to me
Roses are red,
Violets are black,
Why is your chest
As flat as your back?

I laughed in her face when she told me.
( Lisette von Falcon, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 22:31, Reply)

I've found that
'Donkey raping shit-eater' tends to stop people in their tracks :D
I also get a kick out of telling pug-faced chavs that they're "what happens when cousins fuck".
(Badgers wear Corpsepaint it's true, I've seen them..., Thu 4 Oct 2007, 22:26, Reply)

80's insults
These are the best - they're non-PC and they're just the best:

Spaz
Spacca
Window Licker

etc

I called a friend a Spaz a couple of days ago and the they burst out laughing - two old people walking past tutted and shook the heads and were heard muttering "well, I never"...
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 22:22, Reply)

My favorite would have to be...
"Fuck you in the ass with a pineapple!"

Add "Sideways!" for a larger insult.
(evil_penguin_17 Robots of Doom... Attack!, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 22:15, Reply)

Your mother was a hamster....
....and your father

No. Can't go on.
(gobbo, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 22:14, Reply)

cuntmaggot
...
( Kempy, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 22:08, Reply)

Not sure if this counts, but...
The sweary other half likes to recount the tale of when she was but a wee lass, walking through the Haymarket bus station in Newcastle with her parents.

Now, bus stations have always had something of a pull on the underbelly of society. Bunches of young ne'er-do-wells hanging around, drinking cider and smoking, and this was no exception. Tourettes and parents are walking through the bus station when they come across a group of said ne'er-do-wells doing what ne'er-do-wells do, namely the aforementioned cider-quaffing and smoking of cheap cigarettes. Oh, and apparently swearing profusely at the time time (talk about multi-tasking).

Anyway, Tourette's dad takes exception at this, being accompanied by his wife and young daughter at the time, and decides to take them to task about their frankly appalling behaviour.

"Do you mind"? bellows he in that protective father manner, "My wife and daughter can hear every syllable of your disgusting language. Have a bit of respect for your elders and be sensitive to the fact that there are young, impressionable children that can hear what you're saying".

Now, had he stopped at the point, he could have walked off with his head held high, knowing he had made his point, and probably made it well.

Unfortunately, before he could stop himself, and probably without realising, he finished off with "You bunch of fucking foul-mouthed CUNTS"!

Result: one group of mildly shell-shocked but pissing themselves laughing bunch of eighties chav-equivalents.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Thu 4 Oct 2007, 22:05, Reply)

STOLEN
I think this was posted in a very similar qotw back in the early 70s, but I believe a father once told his young teenage son:

"I would have intefered with you as a kid if you hadn't been so fucking ugly".
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 21:59, Reply)

A poor attempt
Plenty of fodder for me to bellow at future mongs on here.

My contribution came from a mate, who described another mates wife as two hundredweight of rubble with a football on top.
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 21:59, Reply)

Family Guy
Favourite Stewie insult (to a prostitute)

'So, is there any tread left on the tires? Or at this point would it be like throwing a hot dog down a hallway?'
(quantum raspberry quizzically quashing Quebecans, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 21:53, Reply)

RSPB slap-down
A friend of mine was watching birds from a hide one cold icy December. At the other end of the hide were two National Trust type 'widow-lezzies' of the kind that still drive Morris Travellers down in the south-west. They were discussing a bird they were watching grubbing about in the reeds. 'I think it's a Sedge Warbler' said one hoity-toighty to the other. "Actually it's a Wren' said my friend. Widow #1 delivered the slap-down immediately:

"If THAT'S a WREN then my ARSE is a NUTMEG!"

Length? Only 3.75 inches, the third smallest in Britain. Only the Goldcrest and Firecrest are smaller.
(Roger Darce sold his birthright for a mess of pottage, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 21:52, Reply)

...and from my friend Linbox
I laughed at this even when it was aimed at me....

'You complete and utter, copper-bottomed, ocean-going CUNT!!!!'

Start slow and build up the momentum all the way to the end. A Perfect piece of invective.
(gobbo, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 21:47, Reply)

Classic Paul Calf
You've got shit on your shoes, you shit shoe bastard.
(themonkeydriving, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 21:46, Reply)

Cunthammer
is one ive been preffering of late
(Absynth&Cheese Have you tasted my Jesus, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 21:43, Reply)

a friends teenage brother was having an argument...
...with his da. After a couple of moments he turns to the old man and says: "You're just a..., a lesbian-boy!".

The old man was taken back for a few seconds then everyone in earshot broke down in tears.
( kolonel_kahlua, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 21:36, Reply)

great insults from owd northeners.
"she had a face that would frighten a police horse"
"she skened (squinted) like a bucket of whelks"
"he was very short of gorm"
"she looked like jack palance with tits"
(brussellsprout Im a fucking genius. official., Thu 4 Oct 2007, 21:23, Reply)

Shouted at my mate
A chav sung this to my odd-converse wearing friend to the tune of the View's 'Same Jeans':

"I've got odd shoes on because I am a goat..."


What the??

p.s. The View are shiiite
(comrade^, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 21:17, Reply)

Insulting? Or confusing?
Assmarauder, or *bitchtits.

*I have no idea what this means, only blurted it out in a fit of mild irritation once, when I slammed my hand in something. My friends thought it was so ludicrous that they have never let me forget it.
(Rem Sir, why are you thrashing about on the floor?, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 21:08, Reply)