My plans for today
Get up (Completed)
Frustratingly wait for milkman so I can have a cup of tea and some breakfast (part completed)
Fit waste disposal unit
Plumb in taps
Plumb in waste sink, dishwasher and aforementioned waste unit (To do)
Finish kitchen cabinet (To do)
Attempt to tidy up (To do)
Hope that tonight, my missus shows her gratitude that the kitchen is finished by fellating me until I get bored of it. (This may take a long time)
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 22 May 2009, 8:48, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I find this very reassuring today
new.mylifeisaverage.com/
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Fri 22 May 2009, 8:44, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Today's Itinary, by Gonzalishous.
- Wake up: Check
- 10 Lengths in the big pool: Check
- Give that shirt that was to tight another try, does it fit? Check
- Smell mum's plenfora of baked goods (Lemon Dainty, Brownies and Cookies): Check
- Go to Friday Market to take some snaps: Todo
- By birthday candles for above baked goods: Todo
- Go to the local small harbour for lunch: Todo
- Realise you're still at the harbour at 10 in the evening: Todo
- Go to bed: Todo

What about you?
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 22 May 2009, 8:38, 14 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

This is my birthday present
See in reply.

Sorry about previous incarnation of post. Just woke up.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Fri 22 May 2009, 8:36, 5 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

If any of you people watch GMTV in the morning
and have just seen the one minute makeover section, or indeed even if you haven't but just feel like pretending you did and acting all indignant, the smug bint presenting it suggested decorating your garden with homemade bunting made from old teatowels.

Does anyone else think that's a good idea?
(Bazongaloid, Fri 22 May 2009, 7:37, 5 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

So, which one of you bitches
wants to dance?
(Bazongaloid, Fri 22 May 2009, 7:34, 8 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I'm away for a long weekend. Woohoo!
I miss you all already.

Don't let JMG bully you while I'm away.
( girlinthehole, Fri 22 May 2009, 7:29, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

It's a 3 day weekend here so don't have to be back at work till Tuesday
(we close at 12pm tomorrow).
Current plan: Go get full medical tomorrow, go to pub, spend night with boyfriend. Saturday night, go to Fleetwood Mac concert (floor seats...woo!)

What I really want to do: Go online, book flight/hotel in San Francisco, New York or Boston. Get the fuck out of town, switch my phone off, forget my laptop and just disappear without telling anyone. Not nobody, not even the boyfriend. I just want to run away for a few days.

Vote either A) stay in town, stick to the plans or B) Get the fuck out and do what I want to do right now.
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Fri 22 May 2009, 5:57, 19 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I'm normally not girly and goey...
But this wedding cake has too much awsomeness.





Source: 3.bp.blogspot.com/_wGr8njEWjtI/SgHdM1ZgpwI/AAAAAAAACvI/WF7Sb503YTE/s1600-h/Amy+L+.+lw+.+lego+wedding.jpg
(ie: a good cake as seen on cakewrecks)
( flirting with badgers What? It sounded good at the time., Fri 22 May 2009, 1:52, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Stupid sodding advert!
Usually I'm pretty easy going. Not a lot winds me up - The way I see it 95% of things that wind us up don't really matter, a fact that I learned a long time ago and thusly let most of lifes little annoyances wash over me allowing me to think about more important things. Like tits. Or Beer. Or tits that dispense beer.

Now as we all know adverts are there to bring us all together in a mutual hatred of bad acting, shit jingles and crap products, but, using my zen like ninja skills I manage to safely watch commercial television without feeling the need to sacrifice my television to the gods of the BBC.

Kid that wants to do a poo at Paul's?
Fuck off kid you can shit yourself for all I care

Stupid fucking BT advert couple?
Fuck the pair of you. Your both lightweights in the shit advert stakes

Sofa advert with the nickleback song?
Yeah Yeah, your all cunts with a shit soundtrack, but meh. Not bothering me...

But.
There has been 30 seconds of hell been aired recently. It cuts right through my defences and I find it so breathtakingly shit that I may have to pluck out my eyeballs and poke out my eardrums with pointy things.

Its for some kind of garden fence paint, and features a bunch of ugly people dancing around a garden, all full of over saturated colour while singing a song about painting crap in the garden.
Singing to the tune of 'The Self Preservation Society' from The Italian Job.

I swear, if that bunch of cunts ruin that film for me I will be forced to track down those responsible and make them suffer for their sins against... well, me.

Cunts
( TheMattInAHat has a particular... odour..., Thu 21 May 2009, 23:40, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

OK Kids - Select my destiny
Tuesday - Had to have my beloved kitty put to sleep.

Wednesday - Sister's house burgled. Our late Mum's jewellery stolen, amongst other things.

Thursday - My day of relaxation watching cricket washed out at waterlogged Headingley.

Friday - Your choice. Insert unhappy option as you see fit.
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Thu 21 May 2009, 21:04, 28 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I've also made a discovery
If I stretch enough beforehand, I can fit both legs behind my head. I never used to be able to do that.

What odd things can you do with your body?
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Thu 21 May 2009, 21:03, 40 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Just made a discovery
Rum does not go well with tea and honey. I need to make a new cuppa now, which makes me sad that I have wasted precious tea.

Any food combinations that you have discovered not working?
(Potty Jag har smör i min rumpspringa, Thu 21 May 2009, 20:34, 7 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Another question
If you could freeze time, what would you do first

A: Touch people up
B: Loot shops
C: Find someone you don't like and smack them in the head
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 21 May 2009, 19:50, 13 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Revision is done for the day,
The only TV in the house has got Desperate Housewives on it, and I'm in the mood for a film.

I know every movie in my DVD collection off by heart, so has anyone got any suggestions for a really good film?
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Thu 21 May 2009, 19:49, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Fucking Hippy Drippy Woman
Periodically, because I'm such a grumpy and intolerant bastard at work I get sent on courses about dealing with stress and 'Me and my emotions' and other such shit and I have another one tomorrow.

The person who runs it is this ridiculously shrill woman who asks us about our experience and when faced with our usual wall of outright apathy reels off into breathless tales of her bloke and her kid.

The last one we had, "Well, my greatest achievement since I've worked here was giving birth to my son." Sorry love, I disagree, presuming the pregnancy goes well, the birth is a biological inevitability. If you managed to hold the little fucker in, that would be a fucking achievement.

*ends rant*
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Thu 21 May 2009, 19:07, 14 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

This has to be one of the most disturbing music videos I've ever seen
www.youtube.com/watch?v=zbO1AaCnWnQ

It's one of my favourite songs, but my goodness, Andy Cairns' moustache is quite shocking.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 21 May 2009, 18:34, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

This made me so happy
www.youtube.com/watch?v=rLdQ3UhLoD4

Possibly one of the most adorable things I have ever seen.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Thu 21 May 2009, 18:28, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Fucking retarded mongerific cunts at the job centre must die...or give me some money
I went in yesterday and they said my claim had been closed. Why I asked? No response. Call this number. So I duly called and spoke to a lovely man who said to go back today.

Went back in today, got past the cat arsed faced security woman and upstairs to where they keep the seemingly intelligent drones. AN HOUR AND A HALF LATER I am told that they fucked up, they're very sorry and they've started a new claim for me. They're going to backdate the last one so I should receive money in about 3 weeks.

Considering I haven't worked since April, I'm getting a little skint now, but do they give a shit? Can they push it through to get me some money a little before then? Oh hells no because they're incompetent fuckwits.

CUNTS.
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Thu 21 May 2009, 17:53, 10 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

This week's QOTW
Currently the top two answers are becky's one about posting pics of her in her scanties if she wins, followed closely by a certain user who shall remain nameless having posted a pic of an oversized pepperpot.

Which just goes to prove that the internet is indeed populated by spotty sci-fi obsessed nerds with a heaving desire to see pictures of almost naked ladies. On line.

Was JMG right all along?


tongue firmly in cheek here, but it did make me smile in an ironic sort of way
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Thu 21 May 2009, 17:46, 17 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

So
double anal and/or double vaginal intercourse. Is it actually pleasureable, or is it just something invented by pornstars just to see if they could?
(Bazongaloid, Thu 21 May 2009, 17:08, 32 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Another site I work on...
has a laminated sign on the back of each toiler door reading, "In the interests of hygiene, please flush the toilet after use."

Animals, bloody animals, I tell you.

Even more shocking were the signs at a previous, much larger and one might imagine more civilised place I worked at - "Please do not stand on the toilet seats", as well as the explanation I heard for them.

What depravity might we uncover at your workplace if forced to graft there for just a couple of days?
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Thu 21 May 2009, 17:07, 8 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

If one of your contact lenses
falls out at work while you're at your desk NEVER EVER try and slyly put it back in if you had previously been eating salt and vinegar crisps
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 21 May 2009, 16:27, 10 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Hello Questions for the Weak. Internet hero JMG here.
What's a-crackin' down at the land of lies?
Please douse me with your tales of the unexpected.
( Jam Master Geordie Hero of B3ta., Thu 21 May 2009, 15:15, 23 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Just a silly little question
What is the opinion on Ibanez guitars?

Has anybody here played one of their basses?
(Herr Doktor Lemminge Is bored, so cheer me up!, Thu 21 May 2009, 15:06, 34 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

night folks
am tired and off to bed.
Love you all.

/hugs everybody slightly too long.
/staggers into bedroom and locks door so no one can draw on my face
/zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
(Poppet some assembly required., Thu 21 May 2009, 15:06, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Following on from Lampito's veganism thing
If you're a vegan does that mean you aren't *allowed* to swallow?

We are animals, after all...

And would a vegan baby not be allowed mummy's milk?
(Psyche finishes work at the end of June! Yay!!!, Thu 21 May 2009, 14:53, 35 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Tonight I'm having my favorite meal my mum can make me; home made egg'n'chips.
I've been looking foward to this for over a month now, I don't care that it makes me ill tomorow, it's worth it.

What's the favorite meal your mum/dad could make you?
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Thu 21 May 2009, 14:01, 37 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Oh dear god...(AKA facebook dilemma)
Having been on facebook for a while now, I've grown used to friend requests from all sorts of folks it's easy to turn down -- coworkers who i knew for 2 weeks, ex-bosses who were total twunts, ex-classmates who were retards back then and are retards today. Today, I got one (a friend request, that is) from none other than dear old mum. Not that I don't get along with the old gal (in smallish doses), but does anyone really want our mums knowing everything about our friends, what we got up to on the weekend, and all of the other inane details of our lives that end up getting plastered on facebook? Any way to gracefully turn her down?
(tuqueboy has been in a medically -induced coma since, Thu 21 May 2009, 13:49, 14 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Windows and its associated sound effects
I don't know if I'm just a bit prickly today, but this thing has annoyed me intensely in the past, and I'm reminded of it every time I turn on my computer speakers.

The browsing system on Windows XP. Whenever you click any button or icon that changes the directory in which you're looking, it makes this 'click' sound.

And it's a horrible little click. It sounds even more artificial than the fake shutter click that mobile phone cameras make, and has this ghastly, chewy, wet quality that puts my teeth on edge for some reason.

Yes, I know I can turn it off and I think I'm about to do so, but I just thought I'd see if anyone here had a similar hatred for it...
(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 21 May 2009, 13:41, 7 replies, latest was 16 years ago)