New Monkey Island game out today
I couldn't resist and pre-ordered it, so it will be delivering itself to my computer this very evening.

I'm excited.

What sad things have excited you recently?

or your meat puppets
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 7 Jul 2009, 11:08, 9 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Where's Ed when you need a load of shit threads deleted?
What dangerous things/people have you missed recently and why?
( Captain V, Tue 7 Jul 2009, 11:07, 10 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

@MoistTickle
You're damn right slutface
(Buckminsterfuller Bring out yer meat puppets, it's time for some fun, Tue 7 Jul 2009, 11:06, Reply)

@BUCKMINSTER
You tell 'em!
(MoistTickle we are legion, Tue 7 Jul 2009, 11:04, Reply)

@ Peste
FUCK OFF
(Buckminsterfuller Bring out yer meat puppets, it's time for some fun, Tue 7 Jul 2009, 11:02, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

why is this one
the off topic
whats the topic its off of?
(La Peste C'est l'heure pour la viande, Tue 7 Jul 2009, 11:00, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Paranormal or overactive imagination
I just sat for 15 minutes whilst the lithe fuck-toy in my team explained various incidents that have happened to her that confirm the presence of a afterlife/paranormal dyemenshuns.

They could ALL be attributed to coincidence.

My only, half believable tale, happened to a buddy of mine. He went for a walk beside a lovely river, close to the site of ancient castle, that had been laid to siege and blasted to fuck by the famous 'mons meg' cannon that now lives at edinburgh castle. There is no castle left to see bar a tumble down wall.

he had been here many times fishing, camping etc. He rolled a jazz cigarette and basked in the warm sun, until he looked to his left and saw the unmistakable figure of, a hooded monk.

The figure was solid and most definitely 'there', he stared for a few moments more, not quite sure what to think. He glanced at the river then back, and it was gone.

A little shaken, he decided to finish his reefer elsewhere. He was 100% positive what he saw was actually there, as opposed to a jazz hallucination.

FFWD many years and he is giving a lift to a few co workers and they start talking about ghosts and all that sort of shit. One of the girls mentions 'the mad monk of duchal woods'....the cogs in his mind whirr, but he says nothing. they explain that the monk can be see by the stretch of river beside the ruins of Duchal Castle, exactly where he had been, and that he was killed when the castle was under siege, as he did not want to leave.

Now he had never heard of this legend nor did he mention his sighting to the girls. It therefore completely re-inforced what he was prepared to put down to being too twatted on cannabliss.

Anyway, what events, imagined or otherwise, have made you tremble with primal fear.
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Tue 7 Jul 2009, 10:46, 26 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

FAO MoistTickle
Where the fuck were you last week? I said to be at Bethnal Green station for 8:10 to give you the fucking of a lifetime. You heartless cunt. I had to seek assistance from a supermodel in a honda accord while Mr T took photos.
(Buckminsterfuller Bring out yer meat puppets, it's time for some fun, Tue 7 Jul 2009, 10:12, 10 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Message to Stiff Richard
You want more tits on OT do you?

See reply
(K.W.A. Knickers With Attitude, Tue 7 Jul 2009, 10:07, 8 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Please form an orderly line
and present your passport before entering this thread.

Do you have the right to post in the UK?
Do you have the right to post in the UK?
Do you have the right to post in the UK?

What skills do you have to contribute to the thread?
What skills do you have to contribute to the thread?
What skills do you have to contribute to the thread?

Have you ever fallen over a dog?
Have you ever fallen over a dog?
Have you ever fallen over a dog?

Has a dog ever got lost in your massive vagina?
Has a dog ever got lost in your massive vagina?
Has a dog ever got lost in your massive vagina?

Have you ever drained all the blood out of a dog?
Have you ever drained all the blood out of a dog?
Have you ever drained all the blood out of a dog?

Subject to satisfactory answers, I would like to welcome you to OT
(UK Immigration Office asking everything in triplicate on, Tue 7 Jul 2009, 9:58, 91 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Four years ago today
The London-Explody-Thing happened.
I know there're a lot of Laaahndaaners on here, so any interesting stories?
I guess if you aren't a Londoner, do you remember what you were up to?
( Cawl, Tue 7 Jul 2009, 9:30, 33 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

This morning
the butler put the tea in BEFORE the milk. What amusing breakfast capers have you all had?
(Posh Git Is considerably richer than yaaaaaow, Tue 7 Jul 2009, 9:19, 8 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

It's quiet - too quiet.
Think of a geometric celebrity.

I'll start:

Cuboid Gooding Jr
Spheres Brosnan
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 7 Jul 2009, 8:53, 16 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

More from Guatemala!
Well, in keeping with the theme of this trip, I did something rather dangerous but pretty wild involving natural disasters.

I climbed a volcano.

Let me start out be admitting that I´m not the most athletic man in the world, okay? So climbing something with about a 40 degree slope made out of crumbly shit that has a zillion razor-sharp edges is probably not the best plan for a guy with the coordination of your average drunken yak.

Yet there I was.

I did not get far, however, before it became apparent that the elevation, my general physical shape and the allergies I apparently have to something here triggered a slight asthma attack. The guide was a small Guatemalan guy who looked very worried at the sounds I was starting to make, and ultimately summoned one of the other guides who was leading a horse just in case. I´ve never been on a horse in my life- but it was that or give up right then, so I got into the saddle and did my damnedest to learn.

We got near the top and they made us dismount and continue on foot. I was careful, but by then the guide was worn down a little and was no longer sprinting up the hill so I kept up easily. Climbing a field of rubble is difficult at best, but knowing that I was risking a death of a thousand cuts if I fell was a bit daunting. I mean, look at this shit.

The lava was far enough down that we could walk on the pumice, but the wind blew gases hot enough to light branches on fire. The others had brought along marshmallows, but I was content to watch.

The place was dead, dead, dead. A more desolate spot I´ve never seen. Nothing but wind and heat and pumice- and in the distance, life.

After a time we descended, but it was almost dark by that point. I went on foot- my arse still hurt from riding- but partway down I a href=¨http://i78.photobucket.com/albums/j120/tucatz/101_3401.jpg¨looked back. It doesn´t show in that pic, but there was a sullen glow at the top. I wish I could have gotten close enough to the liquid stuff for pics, but I kinda like living, ya know?

At the moment I´m living here, and this is the view I awaken to in the mornings. The local beer is Moza, and is fantastic. But since I´m in an internet cafe at the moment and paying by the minute, further descriptions will have to wait...
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Mon 6 Jul 2009, 22:06, 12 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Today is/has been National Kissing Day and Shed Day
How many sheds do you have? I'm thinking of Arthur "Two Sheds" Jackson from Monty Python.

Who have you snogged/would like to have snogged/intend to snog today?
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 21:12, 41 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Whale dissection channel 4 now
No not a b3tan, an actual whale ,)
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 21:08, 6 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Ooooh, rain!
To go dancing naked in, or not?
(Potty Jag har smör i min rumpspringa, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 21:01, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Today I made a decision
I'm not telling you nosey fuckers what it is though, but it's good and it's got nothing to do with football.

If you could be any man-eating predator with robotic limbs, which one would you be?
(Stiff Richard, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 18:43, 26 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Sorreeeeeee
I went to my mum's this afternoon to have lunch and help her pack as she's going on holiday tomorrow.

Christ you lot are fucking useless without me. I bet you've all gone home now, heavy hearts, wondering what the fuck happened to b3ta today haven't you?
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 17:49, 12 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

AUTOMATED THREAD
IF (no new threads within 20 minutes)
THEN Open new thread

....
(Ethelred is watching cheese grow, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 16:14, 30 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

FUCK ME!
No new threads since 14:10?
WTF?

Say something...
( thealternativefact, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 15:53, 78 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Your thing
Let us imagine for a moment that, perhaps through years of meditation, some mysterious supernatural object, or more likely extensive human sacrifice, you have achieved Apotheosis - you have Ascended to godhood in some promiscuous polytheistic pantheon*.

What would you be god of? What would the trembling masses pray to you for, or pray for you to deliver them from?

*I mostly just wanted to use that phrase in a post.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 14:10, 73 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Awake at night
What past events, trauma's or potential disaster keep you lying awake at night.

I can never seem to shift an incident with a ladder, 30ft of space and cold hard slabs.

or

my daughter choking on an oat biscuit, which thankfully i managed to remove.

there are more, but they usually come knocking at night, in bed

anyone else got a similar neurosis?
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 13:15, 54 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I'm soo annoyed
This year I fell out with my so called best friend from uni. Irritating, but all in all handleable. Perhaps deleting her from Facefuck wasn't the most mature thing to do, but in the name of pruning and all that...

Now in an act of true adolescent cuntyness she's just spoiled the surprise party I was organising for a mutual friends birthday whilst i'm home later on in the month. I've invited people from all over the country to come to this thing, and i've been organising in secret for weeks.

Apparently I've really been organising a party for myself. and inviting someones parents and work collegues to a surprise party is just about the shittest thing a person can do. (no, were not 18, but actually closer to thirty)

Now I have the choice of trying recontact everyone and tell them its off, and being the total crazy random girl who's been secretly contacing all her friends, or completely coming clean to the birthday girl, which would negate my higher ground position, cos inevitably my dropping the surprise bash news would also drop the surprise spoiler in it too.

What would you guys do?
(weekirst23 Is broken! Silly ice. Silly High heels!, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 13:05, 20 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Why?
Why is it that every morning I wake up 2 minutes before my alarm goes off then fall back to sleep.

When my alarm goes off...2 minutes later... I snooze it for half an hour.

What is the best way of waking up when i'm supposed to. i.e. when my alarm actually goes off?
(Eggstrovert isnt patronising you...honest..., Mon 6 Jul 2009, 12:47, 26 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I have an infestation of squatters
in the building behind me. None of this is a euphemism so I've just saved you typing a pile of shit proclaiming it so.

I don't mind much about them occupying an empty shop. What I object to is that they access the squat via large metal gates at the side of my house. They've padlocked these with a big chain and padlock and every time they want to get in or out - which is frequently - they rattle the fucking chain and the gates and this is loud and annoying and wakes me up at 3am, especially as they like to talk when they are attempting to grasp the thing in their sweaty, clumsy, spakhanded paws.

Also, I can no longer wander round my kitchen naked since their squat overlooks my window.

And they are posh squatters with posh accents - the sort of people who drop out of their parents' comfortable middle-class lifestyle in order to slum it by putting dreadlocks in their hair (the women) and imitating Pete Doherty (the men - two of them are wearing trilbys). One of them is called Charlotte (I think it's one of the girls).

Do I:
a) padlock the gate shut with a giant fuck-off massive padlock, thus blocking their route of ingress?
b) phone the police and sound like a concerned neighbour?
c) ignore them and MTFU?
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 11:50, 46 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Help and suggestions required people!
I need to sort out a website putting together all the stuff I've had published together with potential for adding images and..

FFS - you all know what a website is!

Anyway, I want something cheap, simple and straightforward - I would say rather like me but the website doesn't need large floral patterns and regular flouncing.

So...suggestions for hosts and the easiest way to set this up - I do need it to look vaguely professional.

I know that the long answer is to dig out my copy of Dreamweaver and MTFU but I have neither the time nor the desire or abilities to immerse myself in php/html for the next few months.

And I'm lazy.

You lot are all creative, tell me what to do.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 11:41, 25 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I love dating sites. Even the ones you pay for have their fair share of nutjobs
Case in point...first email from him:
Hi,
I think you must be very special as I really feel as if I've bonded with you in some way already which is quite amazing considering we've never met. I love animals and nature and I love holding hands and stroking and teasing and laughing .........:-)) think we'd get on great how about a drink sometime ?
Have a great day
George x
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 11:32, 34 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

It seems quite pointless
Actually having topic based threads because they all descend into the following:

Kaol being a kaoltarded vampire
V being a small catfaced sex crazed accident prone looney
Me and Al being cunts
Becky telling everyone to MTFU
Vipros being a bearded boring sandwich eating dragon loving metalhead

I was going to write more generalisations of you all but I got bored. If you post I may insult you then. In fact post lots I'm really fucking bored
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 10:52, 88 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

So am getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth out tomorrow.
Any advice on foodstuffs for afters? I'm not allowed to eat for 12 hours before hand. Or any other tips in general.

Alternatively - if you could pick your eye colour - what colour would it be?
(Poppet some assembly required., Mon 6 Jul 2009, 10:15, 79 replies, latest was 16 years ago)