Would you rather.....
suffocate due to having your head stuck in Katie Price's clunge,
or
drown in a pool of Lenny Henry's scrotum sweat?
(TheColonel, Thu 1 Oct 2009, 10:55, 9 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Morning all!
I have to say I’m feeling rather self-satisfied this morning after having a gargantuan Facebook friend-erase-marathon last night.

Are you currently basking in the glory of anything that you did last night?
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Thu 1 Oct 2009, 9:53, 93 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

CUNTS A-HOY
You may or may not know, but i work in a company that is run by CUNTS. One of the designers went to get a tea, from the machine, that you have to pay for incidentally, and was told by a 'manager' who was already sitting in there, that she wasn't allowed to have one until after 10am

CUNTS

5 minutes later one of her saggy fannied cronies drags herself into the very same canteen and emerges with, you guessed it, a cup of hot beverage.

I suggested the girl go back and get herself some water, as i assume, it would be illegal for them to deny her drinking water, although nothing in this FUCKING PLACE would surprise me. The pathetic and petty rules they enforce are nothing short of cancer in a basket, but could be easily turned against them if the pathetic twats who work here had the balls to do so.

When i am here, i am in a constant state of barely supressed rage and most days i could quite happily choke a puppy or chop up a prostitute, sometimes both.

So, in the spirit of hatred, please share your work based vitriol.
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Thu 1 Oct 2009, 9:32, 20 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

well, it may not seem like much to anyone else but this morning i awoke after my first alcohol free night in a LONG time...
and you know what?
that's right...
i feel TERRIBLE ;-)

i love irony!
( blaireau69 , the Cumbrian Travis Bickle., Thu 1 Oct 2009, 8:03, 35 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Reason No. 7428 why I am going to hell.
As long time readers of my post know, I don't have a good relationship with my ex wife, who I refer to as Nurse Ratched. She's been hostile to an insane degree ever since we separated nine years ago, and before that she was an angry, controlling shrew. Since then she's become increasingly bitter and freaky.

Apparently she hasn't felt well recently, and the other day she felt so dizzy whenever she stood and moved around that she called in to work sick. She then went to the doctor's office where they determined that she was severely anemic from blood loss, and sent her to the hospital for a transfusion and testing. She was so badly off that they made my son come and get her. She was checked in and stayed overnight while they stabilized her, and they did colonoscopies and other testing today.

Needless to say, this has been a severe mindfuck for my kids. I've been assuring them that she'll be fine, that it's likely an ulcer or something, but secretly I've been afraid that she had a tumor or something- she had a cervical cancer scare a few years ago, she smokes, and she's always stressed out over something. I figure that I will outlive her, but I have always assumed that she's at least make it to 70 or so. It's been a pretty hard thing for me to contemplate- much as she's made my life hard, I really don't want her to die this young.

This afternoon they finally did the tests and reported the results.

She has an internal hemorrhoid.

I used to tell her that she was so uptight that only dogs could hear her fart. I used to joke that if I stuck a lump of coal up her ass, in two weeks she'd shit a diamond. I used to say that one day her sphincter would implode.

I never really thought it would happen.

After my kids told me the news, I kept steady until I was off the phone, then cracked up for about an hour.

It couldn't have happened to a more deserving asshole.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Wed 30 Sep 2009, 21:38, 25 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Does anyone know
the proper name for a gargoyle which does not have a water drain in it?
Wikipedia comes up with "grotesque" and "chimera" both of which are probably part right, but I'm sure there is a more precise name for it - Unless I'm hallucinating again.
Otherwise, what unusual things have you hallucinated/dreamt recently?
(onefishtwofish Redfishbluefish, Wed 30 Sep 2009, 21:12, 8 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

LGBT&Q.
How many more definitions of sexuality are there going to be in this umbrella group?
And is it okies for a straight to use the term queer?
Or do you have to be a screamer? LGBTQ&S, has a certain ring to it.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Wed 30 Sep 2009, 19:59, 59 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Home Sweet Home

( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Wed 30 Sep 2009, 19:24, 38 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I'm disappointed, gays.
Things seemed to have slowed right down here. It because I've not been on, isn't it. You lot just can't take the pain of not being able to pander to me.

What are you lot up to tonight? I'm off to a course trip to a brewery soon. My tutor claims its related to our course, but I'm just seeing it as an opportunity for free booze.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Wed 30 Sep 2009, 18:13, 20 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

What's going on here?
hmm?

Should I go for a swim after work? My mrs has the car so it would mean a 20 minute walk each way to the pool and back, and I'm not sure I can be arsed.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 30 Sep 2009, 16:49, 39 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

An hour and a half since the last new post
I've got nothing new to say, I just thought I'd mention it.

EDIT Why has Becky cancelled her birthday bash? Have you all pissed her off, or has she been a naughty girl this year?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 30 Sep 2009, 15:46, 10 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

It's the end of the world and you have 5 minutes left before you die.
What would you do with that 5 minutes?


I would shave all my hair off. I've always wanted to know what I would look like with a bald head.
( girlinthehole, Wed 30 Sep 2009, 14:16, 71 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

This morning
I made a couple of slices of toast. I only had enough jam for one, so I raided the fridge. The nearest I could find to a fruit-based foodstuff in a jar was lime pickle. So I thought "fuck it, I'll give it a go."

What food combinations have you tried that were spectacularly wrong and shouldn't be repeated?


Also, I once tried boiled egg and crisp sandwiches, which was also a distater. Your brain refuses to believe that your sandwich is not full of eggshell.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 30 Sep 2009, 13:48, 15 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

At what age do bagsies and 'shotgun' and the like stop working?
My mate bagsied the last slice of pizza last night, and shotgunned the passenger seat of a taxi on Friday. This has me wondering if there's a point when they no longer work, considering I've not used either in recent memory.

Do you have any local or family equivalents, or simple ways to block these all-powerful phrases? Edit: other than the obvious 'get new friends'.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 30 Sep 2009, 11:08, 26 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Do you ever use b3ta memes in the real world with people who have no idea what you are on about?
Last night my wife spent 2 hours looking a Honda Accords on Ebay. She is looking to replace her 206 gti and I told her "Get a Honda Accord! They're the international car of justice!" She thought I was serious.

Alternatively I'm going to have chicken and chips when I get home from work. What will you be having for your evening meal?
( Peej, Wed 30 Sep 2009, 10:08, 40 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Today's not-quite-Darwin award for ignorance
Goes to this driver: news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/business/8281981.stm

"Last month, an off-duty California state trooper and three members of his family were killed when their 2009 Lexus E350 crashed in the San Diego area.
Before the crash, one of the passengers called 911 to report that the accelerator was stuck and the car had reached 120 miles per hour (193km per hour)."

So, I'd like to think that if this had happened to me, I'd have just put it out of gear, hit the brakes, parked the car and switched the engine off.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 30 Sep 2009, 9:18, 24 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

What ho chums
Today, I turned 36. It's fucking shit. FML
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 30 Sep 2009, 9:02, 38 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

After hearing an old joke
I just wondered how many of you have put a small ball bearing down your japs-eye to see how far you could fire it with an ejaculation? If so, how far? I've never done that. No sirree not me.

In other news, how have your pets amused you lately?
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Wed 30 Sep 2009, 8:01, 27 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

What's it called when you learn a new fact, and then you seem to encounter that fact repeatedly?
I first heard the word 'homunculus' a week ago, and I have encountered it on three separate occasions since even though I'd never heard of the word until last week. A few weeks back, I wandered onto the article on Wikipedia of the phenomenon and now I can't find it again. Any ideas anyone?
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 29 Sep 2009, 23:36, 5 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

HELP!!
I'm suffering from php fail. As in learning it, that is. All I wanted to do was create a simple rotating banner ad script and it just will not work. Even after installing a fucking apache server.

Grrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrgh!
( jim_bob can herd cats., Tue 29 Sep 2009, 22:57, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Home Sweet Home

( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Tue 29 Sep 2009, 19:05, 48 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

FUCK YES !
I've just mother fucking roasted a chicken ! Oh BOY, I got a fresh baggette, some nice blue brie*, and verious rellishes and some salad bits.

Oh MAN, I'm totally going to have a sandwich for dinner, and oh baby, I can't wait.

Blah blah blah I just thought we needed a new thread

* Not quite sure if that'll go with it.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 29 Sep 2009, 18:31, 9 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

hopefully
there'll be a picture of Oliver in the replies...
( ascorbate, Tue 29 Sep 2009, 18:31, 25 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Continuing the I hate theme. I hate Vipros
He got me slapped. I gave my wife £20 towards some boots she wants and she said "Oh you're so sweet I should buy you flowers" quick as a flash I said "Blowjobs are like flowers for men" She belted me one and didn't give me flowers or a blowjob.

You owe me one blowjob Vipros!

Why do you hate Vipros?
( Peej, Tue 29 Sep 2009, 16:43, 51 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Oh gee oh gosh, you're so swell.
A guy like me can see him settling down one day with gal like you, oh boy, I want the whole shibang, nice house, white picket fence. Oh my goodness, that would be just dandy. They say a guy who settles down with a gal like you will be the most happiest fella in the whole of greater kentucky, maybe even the whole of the U-S-of-A, if prehaps for just a minuite or two.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 29 Sep 2009, 16:18, 49 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Biggest Present for Under a tenner.
Some girl that im trying to chat up is doing a bit of xmas themed presents between her friends/family. And the idea is, is to find the biggest present for under a tenner. With the only claus that it has to be somewhat useful. So she's asked me to see if I can find something.
Because I'm lazy / too busy to traul the internet myself for something of a massive size. I thought i'd ask on here for all you b3tans advice.

If she manages to win with the biggest present, then I might get an opportunity to give her a big present myself :D
(Miggyman, Tue 29 Sep 2009, 14:05, 69 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

althegeordie is shit
Share your loathing of this contemptible excuse for an internet nobody here.
Sometimes he gets me so angry I could punch a cripple.

EDIT Better yet, gaz him your insults. I won't be happy until we've made him cry.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 29 Sep 2009, 11:44, 51 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Pixies tickets just arrived!
i'd almost completely forgotten about the gig, making the delivery even more exciting. and to top it all i'm not driving...
( blaireau69 , the Cumbrian Travis Bickle., Tue 29 Sep 2009, 11:35, 9 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

It's official.
I'm giving up dating sites.

I should have just posted a naked pic of myself and said wank away boys.
( girlinthehole, Tue 29 Sep 2009, 10:30, 34 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Just sent off the master audio, and the artwork for my band's CD
in a couple of weeks 500 CDs will arrive.

Quite exciting!

What is particularly good is that the gigs last friday and this friday will have pretty much paid for them.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 29 Sep 2009, 9:45, 45 replies, latest was 16 years ago)