I need some ideas
It's my friend's birthday next week. He's turning 25 so I feel I should buy him a nice present. Booze is an obvious option, particularly for most of my other friends, but I'm trying to think of something a bit more imaginative.

Said friend is a Russian male non-bumder who plays the guitar obscenely well. Any ideas?

Edit: 'pologies PJM, didn't mean to park right on top of your thread.
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 2 Jul 2010, 15:04, 66 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Cringe
After enduring the noise of a squeaky chain on my bike on my way to work this morning I've been asking fellow cyclists in the office if anyone has any spare chain oil.

In a moment of unforseen pathos, I have just unwittingly asked a gay man if he's carrying any lube about his person.

How cringeworthy is your Friday?
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 2 Jul 2010, 15:03, 71 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Summer holidays over. Depressed?
That's me on my way back home after a liberating week in St Ives. Standard accomodation but with arguably the best view in St Ives and with the added bonus of a balcony. Many thanks to Vipros for the heads up.

It really was a lovely place, fruit scones with clotted cream were dangerously addictive, as was the body boarding. Great buzz out yesterday in the wind and pissing rain, bobbing about the surf like a hairy dolphin. I seemed to be the only person who didn't have a wetsuit, or, poofsuits as they should be called. It didn't really seem cold enough for one, but being the rugged, deep fried type, I didn't require one.

Should you be on a high when coming back from holiday, or depressed and maudlin. I am completely skint and will be for the next month, but at least I have next week off as well, which is a pleasant thought.
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Fri 2 Jul 2010, 13:00, 152 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Your Biopic
Who would play you and other major characters in a film of your life?
What genre of film would it be? What are the main plot points, and what would be on the soundtrack?
(Cave Duck, Fri 2 Jul 2010, 12:01, 122 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Job Offer
Virtual tour of a building required for company website. Plans and photographs provided

Would prefer something simple and clear in Flash or similar.

Gaz me for more details.
( WormuIus, Fri 2 Jul 2010, 11:12, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Poetry
Is shit. But haiku isn't.

SVLA mentioned in qotw that he ordered drinks all night in haiku. Awesome. My mate stuck a few comedy ones on his fb last week.

So, you gibbons, show us your mad haiku skills. I'll start.

Pull up to the kerb
she has a habit to feed
cold sad eyes look up

it's so very warm
my balls are stuck to my leg
my bum crack is damp
(The Boy Monders I have ginger bits in my beard., Fri 2 Jul 2010, 10:27, 114 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Morning you lot.
This morning I was walking to work and saw something that I found odd and a little disturbing in the woods. A pair of tights were hanging from a bush. A little further down were a pair of black knickers with white lace trim. A few metres on, a used tampon.

How was your journey to work today?
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 2 Jul 2010, 8:06, 131 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Reasons for leaving current position?
On the application form i'm currently filling in there is this question. This is what i'd like to write -

I am looking for a new job because working in this job (research for the nhs) is slowly killing my passion for science. In the 18 months since finishing my phd i have gone from being excited about starting a career in science to seriously considering an apprenticeship in plumbing. I have been told i will never get anything published despite being one of the few people doing any lab work and repeatedly begging for more work to do. I am being ostracised for daring to suggest that perhaps me doing 3 mths of work for someone else's phd is not something i should be doing, and for thinking that a phd is not, nor should be, a group effort. I am frustrated by the groups' extreme reluctance to use any technology younger than 10 years old and their avoidance of more efficient, cheaper methods because someone, one time, many years ago had a bad result from a different method. If i have to hear someone say 'but that's how we've done it for the last 10 years' again, i may cause pain. I really want a career in research but am clearly never going to get that here.

So, do you think this would be more or less likely to get me an interview?

I needed that rant :) I know i should be grateful to have a job and mtfu etc but god, i hate working for the nhs!
(The Ginger Penguin la la la la la la, Thu 1 Jul 2010, 19:10, 39 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Any suggestions?
I'm trying to make a compilation CD for a good friend of mine who lives abroad. We've been sending each other CDs back and forth with reasonable frequency for a couple of years, we have quite similar music tastes and to be honest I've only got half a CD's worth of decent tracks to put on this last one.

Tips for songs you love (any genre apart from heavy metal/dance/electronica - I like it but he don't - and R and B, obviously.)

Thank You.
(jennymnemonic, Thu 1 Jul 2010, 17:16, 80 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Just before Darth glides off into the sunset
here's a last chance for him to shake his can.
( Larry Vest One day at a time, sweet Jesus, FFS., Thu 1 Jul 2010, 17:14, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I think I'm going to start a gang of vigilantes to sort out the scum who keep kicking my back gate in*.
*NOT a euphamism.

I'm going to call them the Vigilantes Against Gangs In Nica Areas.

Who's in?

EDIT: We have to defeat our arch-nemesises (nemisii?), the Bad Ass Little Locals Squad.
(Colonel Santiago Introduced surprised kitty to the world., Thu 1 Jul 2010, 16:31, 61 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Someone said earlier that Lampito was 19
Which means the t-shirt I wore to BGB's bash, from Monsters of Rock 1991, is probably older than her.

Anyone else feeling their age?
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 1 Jul 2010, 14:54, 398 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Fucking wedding
god I am so sick of the bloody thing already. Less than 2 months to go, 1/2 the guests haven't bothered with RSVPs, so we have no idea about numbers, then my supposedly best friend just informed me she won't be coming as she's JUST decided to sell her house, so may need to move that weekend. I'm alternating between rage and self-pity, neither of which suits me.

can other wedding planning b3tans out there come and slap some sense into me and join me in bitching about shitty wedding shit?

(damn, I'm eloquent today! I blame the past 9 months without sleep)
( ascorbate, Thu 1 Jul 2010, 13:12, 126 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Yesterday, Ewan McGregor told me (during an interview) that his uncle played Wedge Antilles.
The geek in me can now die happy. Also, my tickets for the Prodigy's Warriors Dance festival have just been posted. Huzzah!

This is a good week to be me. How's your week going, fellow B3tan?
(Miraclefish How appropriate, you fight like a cow, Thu 1 Jul 2010, 12:58, 89 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Well I never..
It's often said that at the end of your life your regrets focus more on the things you haven't done than any bad things that you have.
So what haven't you done, and which of the following categories would they fit into?

1. Things that you would really like to do but haven't yet had the oportunity.
2. Things that you're pleased not to have done.
3. Common place things that people would probably assume you had done, but you never have.
(Cave Duck, Thu 1 Jul 2010, 11:06, 262 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

What are good places to eat in the Leeds/Bradford area?
Also warnings about bad places please. I'll start:
Good: The Love Apple, Randall Well Street, Bradford.
( Lemmy Caution Everybody relax - Caution is here., Thu 1 Jul 2010, 9:57, 143 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

And now, the end is near... and so I face the final accusation of bumdering
Morning all. Today is my last day in my current job, with its lengthy downtimes and lax internet security. As my new job is considerably better-paid, it stands to reason that they might want a notably higher level of professionalism from me, so I have no idea how much use I'll get out of B3ta from now on. I could be wrong, and I might get your hopes up today only to reappear next week, but just in case, I thought it only fair to let you darken my door with one final volley brickbats and bumming references.

Also, I've just written what may be my last ever QOTW answer, which is probably my most disgusting to date. I'm quite proud of it. If everyone could click on it so as to give me a first-ever "most popular" rating later today, that would just make my millennium.
b3ta.turb0t.net/questions/unfinishedbusiness/post772784
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 1 Jul 2010, 9:05, 93 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

What's your favorite lyrics in a song?
I've got a brand new combine harvester
I'll give you the key
Come on baby let's get together
In perfect harmony

You've got twenty acres
And I've got forty three
I've got a brand new combine harvester
And I'll give you the key


Gosh they don't make lyrics like that anymore.
( girlinthehole, Thu 1 Jul 2010, 8:22, 122 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Anyone still around?
I just had to stop myself from punching the woman sat next to me on the bus, because I'd spotted a yellow car.
What are your favourite motorway games, or do you prefer motorboating?
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Wed 30 Jun 2010, 17:34, 204 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Users of B3ta Calendar
Posting this:
b3ta.com/questions/offtopic/post771743

and I realised that I vaguely recall some b3tans did actually put one together a few years back. Anyone got a link to it, or am I mistaken?
( Labmonkey last thought about having another coffee on, Wed 30 Jun 2010, 15:21, 130 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I hate it when threads go over 100+ replies
I lose track and can't stand scrolling to the right.

I'm not even going to pretend to have a question, I'm just going to post this and hope people migrate to talk here, unlike in Che's thread.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 30 Jun 2010, 14:51, 266 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Anyone out there thinking of producing a recipe book for soldiers?
Or possibly a book based on memories of a war-time diet?

If so, I've got a title for you. It just came to me the other day while walking to work. It's yours, for free....







Noms de Guerre.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Wed 30 Jun 2010, 13:55, 24 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Well
needs more hatred. Which little quirk or trait irritates you more than anything else?

Alt Q Own up. Which celebrity who should hate and despise do you tolerate more than the rest?
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Wed 30 Jun 2010, 13:46, 258 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Croissants, etc.
I spent the best part of yesterday doing my sister's hair for her prom, she has MASSES and it all needed curling. Took me about two and a half hours to do the lot. I'm having a smug now though because she told me that everyone loved it and was very surprised that she hadn't had it done professionally, she kept getting asked if I was a hairdresser. I tend to spend about ten minutes on my hair and makeup as well and will happily go out looking like a tramp.
AND I had a date last night, and I'm going on holiday tomorrow, to my favourite place on Earth. I think I might have to buy an entire bakery.

What's given you a croissant craving recently? And don't lie, I know you've had them, you smug bastards.
OR, if you could be any mythical creature or ancient god, who would you be and why?
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Wed 30 Jun 2010, 12:35, 342 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

So before I head off for my nap, does anyone else get the feeling that Rapeychomp is being a little less caustic than usual?
He seems to be avoiding us since he got back from Glastonbury. Most peculiar.
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Wed 30 Jun 2010, 12:32, 9 replies, latest was 16 years ago)