A story for you all, as it made me laugh
Can't claim credit for this myself, it's copied and pasted from somewhere else...

(in replies)
(Son of Sam-i-am We're all as mad as hatters here, Wed 14 Jan 2009, 10:34, 25 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

sorry lads, but
yesterday was the shit. a long-lost brother (10 years unseen) is now lost again due to our father's inability to restrain himself and wait *until the time was right* the old man showed up unwelcome through an email, so my brother hath freaked, and disappeared again. we had emailed much and he is a brilliant guy. so I says FUCK

the rest of my present story is also quite the bag of shit...but I won't bore you all any more.

as for quoting: poetry, though it is outmoded in our glorious age, it is a large part of my life. cackers is actually a writer with a day job. (is plenty published, but the shit don't pay) doesn't stand for poetry-haters. please just *ignore* me if you can't deal.

my boat: Berryman is at the wheel these days. Sir Thomas Wyatt is the security man. Tom Eliot minds the bar.

Laters.
( cackers, Wed 14 Jan 2009, 10:34, 6 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

At last common sense prevails
Or at least makes a bit of a stand.

www.nytimes.com/2009/01/14/technology/internet/14cyberweb.html
( Captain V, Wed 14 Jan 2009, 9:47, 12 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

HOME SWEET HOME
No image today due to the fact I can't be arsed copy/pasting in Opera Mini the credit crunch.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 14 Jan 2009, 8:31, 279 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I have had the most incredibly fucked day. Of a fucked life. Sorry, but only this will do.
Dream Song 14

Life, friends, is boring. We must not say so.
After all, the sky flashes, the great sea yearns,
we ourselves flash and yearn,
and moreover my mother told me as a boy
(repeatingly) "Ever to confess you're bored
means you have no

Inner Resources." I conclude now I have no
inner resources, because I am heavy bored.
Peoples bore me,
literature bores me, especially great literature,
Henry bores me, with his plights & gripes
as bad as Achilles,

who loves people and valiant art, which bores me.
And the tranquil hills, & gin, look like a drag
and somehow a dog
has taken itself & its tail considerably away
into the mountains or sea or sky, leaving
behind: me, wag.

-John Berryman
( cackers, Wed 14 Jan 2009, 4:06, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Always check your kid's homework...

I'm guessing the kid didn't get too high of a grade. I believe the correct spelling is whores.
( flirting with badgers What? It sounded good at the time., Wed 14 Jan 2009, 2:00, 5 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

For our colonial friends

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 22:21, 27 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

This fucking kills me.
www.wpxi.com/news/18469160/detail.html

O noes, teens thinking about SEX?!? Quick, call in the Baptists! Rally the Catholics! Mobilize the Mormons! Send in the Jehovah's Witnesses!

Fucking morons. Bringing charges against girls who shot pics of themselves? What a bunch of clenchbutts.

That's it, I'm moving to England.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Tue 13 Jan 2009, 19:47, 18 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I really need to learn how to prioritise.
Could someone shake me by my shoulders for deciding that watching seven episodes of CSI:NY in a row constituted revising for my haematology exam?
(ToysForBigBoys would spread her legs for Nick Clegg., Tue 13 Jan 2009, 17:51, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I haven't had a cigarette since Sunday night.
I'm drunk. I want a smoke.
I fucking hate you all by the way. You bunch of jizz sucking, acid cunt wankers.
GIVE ME A FUCKING FAG YOU BASTARDS.


Oh yeah, you might as well have a fucking evening thread while I'm here.

I hope you all get HIV.


( wanderlust, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 17:45, 140 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Funny Name Corner
I've seen a few odd names in my time, but these three keep me giggling:
King (yes, someone named their kid after a dog)
Mister ("You'll never not call my kid a Mr. anything!")

and a recent addition to my list...
Little Jesus (apparently he isn't the big one)
.
( flirting with badgers What? It sounded good at the time., Tue 13 Jan 2009, 17:32, 8 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Uhoh, my sick searches have caught up with me!!
I just went on to Google news and it suggested I sign in to my gmail to get recommended stories that I might like judging by the searches I've conducted previously.

And the first one that came up was "Man, 87, shot with taser".
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 17:02, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Update
I got home about an hour ago and I've just sat watching the snooker. I've had a pack of wasabi beans - man, I love wasabi!

I'm going to watch the rest of this frame, then I might make a cup of tea.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 16:54, 15 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Friends and work required
There is a distinct possibility that in the near future I shall be moving to Leeds so I require a few things:
1) A job that will net me about the same as I earn now

2) Some friends so that I will have people my GF and I can go out for a beer with

3) A half decent martial arts club, I've done some Judo, Kick boxing and a lot of Jujitsu so anything along those lines would be good (the less formal the better)

Any suggestions?
(Fuckarma was masturbating into your handbag, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 15:18, 9 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Saturday night
Following from my previous OT post - www.b3ta.com/questions/offtopic/post343048 I can confirm that Zombie Strippers is fuckin ace!!!

I watched Outpost as well which was pretty good although it took a while to get going. There was clever little twist which I didn't pick up on for a while.

I watched Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles on Sunday - the CGI Version.
( SpikeyPickle wishes he was mabazaritchie, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 15:08, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Just got home
After slaving away at work for 7 hours then going moonlight swimming at the beach with coworkers

it was fucking ace I tells ya. The water was perfect, glassy, smooth, warm, there wasn't any chilly wind - it was just....ace.

Made my day it did.
(Poppet some assembly required., Tue 13 Jan 2009, 13:53, 6 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Kiddiepr0n!
I've just spotted a story on the Beeb about a teacher who's been found with child porn. Typically yawnsome stuff... except for this:

"Sentence had been deferred for background reports on Melville, a married man with three teenage children, and to allow the sheriff to look at the pictures."

is that a gavel in your pocket, or are you just pleased to see me, your honour?
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 13:28, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

I;ve got a business card
Its old, about 1991, tatty, and yellowed with age. It has one phone number on it. It was given to me by an old friend who got it from a bad man. This bad man, was apparently a very very bad man indeed and gave to the card to my friend as a gesture of gratefulness.

Thing is, my mate once took part in a rather severe beating on a man who apparently raped a young girl. The girls father, the owner of the 'phone number' for various, fairly obvious reasons didnt want the police involved. So he enlisted my old friend and his colleagues to adminster the beating.

So he's hung on to this card for nearly 20 years now and has never rung the number. The instructions for usage were fairly simple. "Ring this number, ask for a favour = anything, wait, destroy the card"

Despite the fact that the number has probably long since changed, although you never know, we've never had:

a) the balls to ring it
b) the need to ring it
c) the balls to ring it

so the inevitable questions:

1. Can you think of something thats worth ringing for? Lets face it, we could probably get someone killed.
2. Do you want to buy it, and if so, how much
3. Or just put it on ebay, with this story?
( I have run out of coke is a little sweaty, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 13:23, 7 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

made me laugh
Outside our main admin building there is a sign that says "WE HAVE WORKED XYZ DAYS WITHOUT SERIOUS ACCIDENT OR INCIDENT" a pretty common sight wherever there is heavy machinery/ dangerous chemicals. Well- over the New Year the top bosses decided to make some renovations to the ground floor of the admin block. The aforementioned sign was getting covered in plaster and dirt so one of the maintainence engineers was tasked to move the sign from the admin block to the side of the security lodge. The actual number of days without accidents on Monday was 650, which was close to our record of 702. Then the engineer droppped the sign on his foot.

Number of days without accident or incident =0
(bugboybeast, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 10:20, 6 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Mental Home Sweet Home

Talk to me! (like lovers do)
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 7:58, 201 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I've arrived
Moscow is covered in snow and it's currently -1•C. Luckily I got a nice warm coat at the airport otherwise I'd be frozen by now!

I'm in a taxi to the hotel craving some sleep before I go and see the client this afternoon.
(bill, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 3:07, 6 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

It's not a story
But whilst showering this morning, I found a lump on my balls.

I'm going to the doctor tomorrow.

I'm scared.

And drunk.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 12 Jan 2009, 22:55, 21 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

The day thread is dead.
Long live the evening thread.




( girlinthehole, Mon 12 Jan 2009, 19:18, 61 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Right you granny-fuckers!
You'd better insult me. Insult me good, right fucking now!
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Mon 12 Jan 2009, 17:10, 43 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

ARSE!
I'll keep the technical talk to a minimum, but...

I am working on a project for a water treatment system. We have a local fabrication shop building the thing. It's a monster- about twenty feet tall and fifteen feet across. Quite the impressive beast.

We are supposed to ship it out on Wednesday. The plan was to fire it up for testing this afternoon. This is why I'm sitting here in my Levis and a sweater- I was expecting to go climbing around on top of this thing and inspect it as it runs.

I just got notified that we have a problem. Of the three motors on the thing, one is supposed to have a torque overload limiter to prevent the motor from burning up if it gets jammed. Turns out that they put the thing on the wrong motor. I don't know if it's something that can be swapped out at the fabrication shop, or if we need to send the motors back.

If this thing doesn't ship by Wednesday, we face liquidated damages- in other words, financial penalties.

For someone trying to get hired on full-time, this does NOT look good, even though it's in no way my doing.

ARSE! FECK!

DRINK!!!
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Mon 12 Jan 2009, 17:06, 6 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I'm bored

So please tell me joke containing an animal, best one gets a cookie.

My attempt in the reply
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 12 Jan 2009, 16:05, 24 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Fantasy Island
I bet you've all seen this, but what a job eh?
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Mon 12 Jan 2009, 15:06, 9 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

When I was at school
There was a boy who I shouldn't name called Paul Bentley

He was bullied lots.

One day before the teacher had arrived in classroom, a naughty child had drawn this on the whiteboard



All very entertaining I'm sure you'll agree.
The naughty child then shouted out

'Bentley, Bentley! Draw the pubes! Draw the pubes!'

Bentley was reluctant, he thought the teacher would walk in just as he started to draw.

Eventually he was cajoled into stepping up to the whiteboard, marker in hand.

'Draw the pubes! Draw the pubes!' chanted the class.

What Bentley drew relegated him to the world of the bullied forever. When he stepped away from the board this is what we saw.


( WormuIus, Mon 12 Jan 2009, 14:59, 6 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Revenge suggestions please!
I've had my ups and downs with my ex but generally I've managed to keep it all amicable - he's the father of my children and so on.

However, his parents are cunts of the highest degree and they rule his life - just one of the reasons I left him.

Today they have cranked the control and the unpleasantness up considerably.

I'd like some nice satisfying (and ideally legal) methods of exacting some revenge upon them...other than living happily ever after without their son (which I am doing anyway)...

So Uncle and Auntie B3ta - suggestions please.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 12 Jan 2009, 12:15, 47 replies, latest was 16 years ago)