Morning cunts
As everyone on here is so fucking angry all the time, what do you do for stress relief? Is the Lord's Prayer the only form of comfort you find these days or is there *gasps* ANOTHER WAY?!1!1!

Alt:
How the fuck can I get a week's worth of work done today?
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:00, 243 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Lord's prayer wank, obviously.
Alt: don't ask me. I've been trying to fit a weeks work into every day for the last year or so.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:02, Reply)

This^
Fucking work

"Our Father....."
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:04, Reply)

By September I should have 3 new minions.
that might just get me down to a weeks work per 3 days.

Bonus points for the catholic lord's prayer wank. 3 fewer lines to finish off in and a load more guilt
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:19, Reply)

Speedwank is the key

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:24, Reply)

e a s
or an

That must start to sting after a while.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:18, Reply)

a weak wank?

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:20, Reply)

Yep.

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:23, Reply)

a wank a day keeps the ladies away

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:29, Reply)

When I've had a really really bad day, a nice cold pint of Amstel/Peroni feels like a gift from God himself.
Alternatively, I love cooking homely food - chilli con carne, lasagne, cottage pie, stuff like that.

Alt: Pick up 4 tins of Relentless, eat a good breakfast, and a good lunch, whilst drinking these, you'll fucking take off.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:10, Reply)

I like your thinking.
I'm onto my 2nd cup of filter coffee so far
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:11, Reply)

If you're drinking shitloads of caffiene, make sure you eat too.
Otherwise you'll end up fucked.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:13, Reply)

Museli for breakfast

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:14, Reply)

I prefer Muesli

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:15, Reply)

em oto

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:15, Reply)

What?

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:16, Reply)

if you're struggling with that anagram
you might as well go home now.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:18, Reply)

Dyslexialols

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:19, Reply)

Good plan
I can't stand the stuff, sadly.

I need to buy more bread tonight, so I can start having Marmite on toast again, it's just too damn tasty!
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:15, Reply)

breakfast of champions

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:17, Reply)

nah, sausage mushroom and egg butty
breakfast of champignons.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:19, Reply)

Lacking black pudding and bacon
I understand why yours lacks bacon, but it cannot be a breakfast of champtions without!
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:23, Reply)

sometimes less is more
unless your bready delivery system is quite firm, 3 ingredients is usually the practical limit for a hot sandwich.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:34, Reply)

Bap or toast?
If it's a good sized bap, you can go up to 5 ingredients without having much of an issue.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:37, Reply)

But is it en-oeuf?

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:28, Reply)

LTI

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:29, Reply)

Awww he started it

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:32, Reply)

I wasn't expecting a grilling

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:30, Reply)

I miss these sorts of breakfasts.
I just eat a tin of tuna when I get up, but it will all be worth it when I'm at my fighting weight.
*flexes chicken bone arms*
(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:30, Reply)

beat the hell out of someone with a foam sword
Also olympic swearing
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:11, Reply)

So, I give them the foam sword, then lay the smackdown on them?
Or have I missed the point here?
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:14, Reply)

i suppose I did just adocate beating up larpers
whoops
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:15, Reply)

CHAAAARGE!

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:17, Reply)

Hitting them with a real sword would be more stress relieving
Olympic swearing? Telling Zeus he is a cunt.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:14, Reply)

perhaps, but you get more hits in
before they are too much of a bloodied mass to continue hitting
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:16, Reply)

Can I use a foam sword with an iron bar inside then?
That won't leave so many marks.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:18, Reply)

fucking javeliners.
Cunts, the lot of them. Don't get me started on those discus wankers.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:17, Reply)

What is your opinion on synchronised swimming?

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:21, Reply)

M1GHT3RZ!!!!

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:28, Reply)

Hello sir
sorry about that, work rudely intervened. How the shuddering fuck are you?
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:11, Reply)

Olympic swearing is good
It the the common language in our office
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:14, Reply)

Along with stuttering.

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:15, Reply)

st-st-stutter rap
I need MOAR COFFEE
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:20, Reply)

Best of all the eighties novelty rap singles*
*excluding 'The Anfield Rap', obviously
( Bill Clay a.k.a. Claudio, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:38, Reply)

Does this just involve calling everyone 'Gold standard ringpieces', or something like that?

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:16, Reply)

play stupid facebook games mostly
the sort where you've got one minute and there's explosions (or at least explodey noises when you match things).

Alt: do a rushed, shoddy, pisspoor version of a week's work, that's how.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:17, Reply)

You should try playing this
www.phoboslab.org/ztype/
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:18, Reply)

but then I can't show off my huge throbbing score
to my horde of facebook game groupies.

(I'll give it a look this evening)
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:20, Reply)

I chain smoke and listen to these
www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hk_DBrjtH0s
www.youtube.com/watch?v=1ibjBdIXqUE&feature=fvwrel
(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:19, Reply)

Just been reading the comments on the second track.
This is the top comment: "This is Charlie Dee, I am on this record. I am glad our music is appreciated because we sure didn't make too much money back then. We did it for the love of the music and to have fun. We made this record back in 1978. All of my boys are doing okay. None in jail and all alive as productive citizens."
I don't know why but that has made me all happy inside. Good day so far.
(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:36, Reply)

I quite like them
2nd one is too long though
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:39, Reply)

Smoke
Alt: I dunno, spend the day on here chatting?
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:19, Reply)

Biblical-scale drink and drug binges. NB may contain traces of 'doesn't actually work'
Alt: fuck off from here and do the work instead of telling us about your misspelt alpine breakfast you dimwit
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:27, Reply)

Nah
Multi-tasking innit
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:30, Reply)

did you see my fucking shit book picture in the last thread?
I saw it and thought of you. Not in a "wank like a chimp" way, obviously.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:32, Reply)

hahah my kind of guy

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:22, Reply)

I can honestly say that london was probably my biggest ever binge drinking session.

(Poppet some assembly required., Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:33, Reply)

Mine too. It began in 1993 and is still going on TO THIS VERY DAY.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:35, Reply)

that's not a binge, that's a lifetime.
But I was referrign to that bash.
(Poppet some assembly required., Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:36, Reply)

You were utterly hilarious at that.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:39, Reply)

well I'm glad you thought so.
I'm still faintly embarrassed. Although I thiiiink I shall be drinking on saturday night. or Maybe friday. Or both.
(Poppet some assembly required., Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:43, Reply)

Well, unless you broke things, threw up, attacked people, or caused fights, I'm sure you're not even close to the worst bash attendee ever.

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:52, Reply)

If I'm at work and I'm stressed I'll just stick my headphones in and stick lastfm or something on
If I'm stressed at home there's no escape really until we get a second bathroom put in.

Alt: Meticulously map out everything you've got to do using a wall chart with coloured stickers, arrows and line charts. Once completed work for five minutes then decide you must've earned a coffee and internet break. Notice it's the end of the day. Pray for snow.
( Bill Clay a.k.a. Claudio, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:32, Reply)

My brother sent me an email at 5:45 this morning, entitled 'IDEA FOR A BOOK':
'This should really make it...clear my debts etc – ‘Confused Loner’ a pocket history of lone gunman/explosives massacres, starting perhaps with whatever inspired that crap boomtown rats song, moving through Michael Ryan, Stuart Copeland, Klebold, Derek Bird, Moaty..etc...bringing us to the modern day....side chapters including ‘influences on and by cinema’ eg Taxi Driver, Falling Down, literary precedents eg Albert Camus ‘The Outsider’.....psychology chapters on Outsider Mentality...sense of isolation and lack of self worth boosted by obsessive collecting of Militaria and apocalyptic end of the world outlook, Right Wing affiliations/aspiration towards..parallels with Cult Leaders eg good ol Charlie Manson...and why they achieved global success whilst our boys stayed on their own with their toys

Its like a criminology thesis....then i could do my own spree as per that Ripper ripoff guy

God i cant believe it...i feel quite moatyvated'

Should I forward it to the police?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:32, Reply)

I'd read that

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:34, Reply)

suspect number 1

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:35, Reply)

no, it'll be useful
the police can just track all the people who buy it so they know where to keep an eye out for more massacre lols
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:35, Reply)

Aren't serial killer biographies one of the most read genres in the US after schlock romances and Jesus Can Self-Help Your Yoga Cancer books?
You'd have to arrest the whole of the mid West.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:37, Reply)

i worked in a bookshop
and I saw the kind of people who bought them. It's fair. See also: the creepy guys who hang out in the military history section reading SAS books
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:38, Reply)

You have described Foyles military section perfectly.

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:41, Reply)

I think you should write it together.
Or perhaps your brother could do the writing, and you could do the crayon pictures.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:39, Reply)

We had the police out yesterday
some crazy chinese guy who we know is always going on al-qaeda websites and is also known for shitting on floors around the campus came in and said to the guy on the main desk that he hoped we were happy about whats happened in Norway and then started spouting off that the uni was going to pay and the Cornwall was going to burn. One of the girls called security who said they were no longer allowed to deal with him and called the police.
( Peej, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:40, Reply)

Excellent!
I love people like that.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:41, Reply)

I hope he comes back in today
*edit* He's known here as "The Phantom Shitter" because no-one knew who it was until eventually he was caught on cctv doing it. He smears shit up the walls of the toilets too, I can't understand why he is still allowed on campus. He might get deported now, he'll wake up in Guantanamo bay with electrodes attached to his bollocks.
( Peej, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:41, Reply)

Guantanamo bay Blousie's basement
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:49, Reply)

Haha
I've just noticed the inclusion of Stewart Copeland in that list of mass-murderers.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:54, Reply)

*phones Police*

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:02, Reply)

That's what you get writing emails at 5:30am

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:21, Reply)

Everyone should have a favourite mental
Martin Bryant is my personal one.
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 11:25, Reply)

I punch immigrants of course.
Alt: Immigrants.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:34, Reply)

Immigrants: the cause of and solution to all life's problems.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:35, Reply)

It's all about balancing a blind eye and a disregard for human rights, whilst trying to keep down the
ever building volcano of bile and resentment.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:37, Reply)

Exploit mercilessly and then dispose of.
Funnily enough I was in Morecambe on Sunday - Chinese cocklers were conspicuous by their absence. Fucking lazy cowards.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:42, Reply)

Yeah, it's only a bit of water

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:43, Reply)

I don't remember the last time I was stressed or angry.
I had a good old rant at a dangerous driver a few years ago but I was mostly playing for effect to put the shits up him. Stress is for losers.

alt: pick up the phone and tell whoever the work is for that it is going to be late
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:35, Reply)

UPDATE!!!!!!!
Sainsbury’s ‘Hot and Spicy’ pizza:

Cooking time from chilled: 10-12 mins
From frozen: 19 mins!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Someone somewhere has their maths TERRIBLY WRONG.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:37, Reply)

Microwaved pizza?
Never mind the maths. Something has gone TERRIBLY WRONG with the whole of society.

edit: hang on ... that's conventional oven times, isn't it? That'd be different sums. But fucking hell ... pizza should only take about three minutes. What the fuck is that shit made of?
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:38, Reply)

Oh shit yes that was indeed oven not microwave, but the same ratio should apply shouldn't it?
I am not one of life's Domestic Scientists.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:43, Reply)

Microwaves penetrate food so it should be pretty straightforward transfer of energy.
In conventional ovens the heat has to penetrate the food from the outside so it's going to be more complicated. Although I would imagine it's mostly done by spotty graduates in white coats poking things with thermometers rather than actual maths.

One of my old colleagues did her doctorate on finite element analysis of dissipation through heterogeneous fluids. Or "how baked beans get hot". Best/Shittest PhD title ever.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:51, Reply)

Baked beans should not be microwaved, unless there is no hob available.

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:53, Reply)

Words of wisdom.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:56, Reply)

What's your opinion on cheesy beans though?

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:06, Reply)

I'm not sure I have one.
I do have a couple of sandwich toaster things at the bottom of a draw somewhere. They get dusted off every couple of years for five minutes of beans and cheese stoodent reminiscence. Then I remember that I can afford real food.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:12, Reply)

Haha, food to reminisce?
For me, that's chicken super noodles over chicken breasts.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:18, Reply)

that's optimistic...
takes at least 35minutes in the ovens here.
(Poppet some assembly required., Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:38, Reply)

35 minutes for a pizza?
Are you cooking it on the top of a lukewarm radiator?
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:40, Reply)

Using the power of the sun

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:42, Reply)

nah we just freeze things really well.

(Poppet some assembly required., Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:42, Reply)

Where do you work?
I just want to make absolutely sure that I never come anywhere fucking near you.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:44, Reply)

You couldn't get much further away
she's in Oz
(PsychoChomp, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:53, Reply)

[real life sigh of relief]

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:54, Reply)

no mate -- it's not a place where I work - it's the ones that get SOLD here.
Woolworths or Coles pizzas.
(Poppet some assembly required., Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:01, Reply)

Do commercial freezers in Oz run colder than the rest of the world?
No. Your oven is shit or you're a fucking idiot. Or both.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:08, Reply)

it's a student residence on campus.
Of course the oven is shit you wingnut.
(Poppet some assembly required., Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:35, Reply)

Are we talking around in circles?
I asked if your oven was shit and you said "nah we just freeze things really well"
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:43, Reply)

it's both.
Also - Nah doesn't always mean No here. No means no. Nah means all kinds of things. depends on the tone. Come visit and you'll see.
(Poppet some assembly required., Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:47, Reply)

You're a fucking idiot.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:51, Reply)

They just look at the pizza in a disapproving manner until cooked.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:43, Reply)

Using the heat from Germaine Greer's untouched gash.

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:50, Reply)

Undouched, you mean.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:57, Reply)

Haha

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:06, Reply)

You need to consider the specific heat capacity of the various ingredients
Also, doing anything thursday I might go see donkey gums try to be funny in stand up.
(PsychoChomp, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:39, Reply)

Can you cup his balls and go rrrrr!whuff!whuff!whuff! from me?
Thanks.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:41, Reply)

I think fouricci will be there as well, I'll ask him for his postcode.

(PsychoChomp, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:42, Reply)

I missed the whole catg thing, is he some drug crazed paedo or something?

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:44, Reply)

The daily mail did a story about him which was typical bollocks
that he was a coke head while being a head teacher. He sued and got an apology I think but when people who didn't like him found out they kept mentioning it until he flounced.
(PsychoChomp, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:47, Reply)

Cool, Holy National Newspaper disgrace, a link to a page 23 apology will never be a suitable defense to an internet hounding

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:51, Reply)

I reckon when a paper gets it wrong, they should dedicate the exact same space as they had of the story, to an appology.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:56, Reply)

That's something that has been proposed.
But it's never got anywhere, there was a bloke on the news who said "yeah but if you did that the papers would just be full of apologies"... you could always not get things wrong...
(PsychoChomp, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:58, Reply)

Where? I might come to that.
I haven't thrown a shit-filled sock at someone for AGES.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:44, Reply)

It's near temple, it's on a boat motherfucker.
comedylock.eventbrite.com/
(PsychoChomp, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:45, Reply)

I might come.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:51, Reply)

"Our Father..."

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:51, Reply)

As will, I it's a bit annoying I can't get friday off but I havent' seen him for a while
and it'll be interesting to see if he's as funny as he thinks he is yet.
(PsychoChomp, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:52, Reply)

He's certainly not lacking in self-confidence.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:54, Reply)

I'm being polite here. He's slightly unhinged.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:54, Reply)

Slightly?

(PsychoChomp, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:04, Reply)

I'm still being polite here.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:06, Reply)

No pizza should take 19 minutes

( Peej, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:41, Reply)

I am far too impatient to wait nineteen minutes for any sort of food.
I refuse to make anything that takes longer than five minutes to sort out. I put most frozen things in the microwave to save time.
(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:44, Reply)

Kill yourself.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:46, Reply)

If he microwaves frozen chicken, that's fairly likely to kill him anyway.
Unless he does it properly.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:51, Reply)

Not quick enough.
He's clearly in a desperate rush to reach the grave with as little joy as possible on the way. A hot bath and a razor is probably the optimum solution.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:53, Reply)

I microwave it so it's unfrozen.
Then whack it in a frying pan. Timesaver.
(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:59, Reply)

Suicide.
It's the only sensible option for somebody in such a hurry to embrace mortality.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:05, Reply)

I'm too busy chugging glasses and slapping arses to prepare food properly.

(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:08, Reply)

But surely you can take fifteen minutes to top yourself.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:10, Reply)

I reckon I could do it in two.

(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:13, Reply)

I reckon I could do it in five.

(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:13, Reply)

There's only one way to find out.
dear investigating officer, this is an internet conversation and not an actual recruitment to suicide, yours etc
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:15, Reply)

Listeria is not your friend!

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:51, Reply)

No, it's a type of flower. LOL!!!!

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:55, Reply)

Tee-hee.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:57, Reply)

Listen to Shambers, Bal. He's a doctor.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:55, Reply)

What the hell are you doing microwaving a pizza? Have you been "toking" the "crack cocaine" "pipe" ?

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:55, Reply)

You're like an ex-smoker.
Five years ago you lived off vacuum packed convenience food and now you're Hebrew Fucking Wotsisface.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:58, Reply)

Jackie Mason?

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:59, Reply)

Last night I made my own hand-rolled pasta with peas, bacon, pamazaam and mint in a butter emulsion... followed by an elderflower jelly with maskipony.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:00, Reply)

Pamazaam? Maskipony?
You are a spelling GOD, gonz.

Is pamazaam like cheesy Valium?
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:04, Reply)

You rub a bottle, say the word, and a naked guiney with a cheesy knob appears.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:05, Reply)

Hahahaa

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:08, Reply)

it's funnier if you read it as "guinea"
/darkielols
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:36, Reply)

I did.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:41, Reply)

I expected no less

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:50, Reply)

That really is how marscapone should be spelt.
Can I just point out, right, I love the fact that you're properly getting into your food and cooking, but making your own pasta is an epic waste of a life. Unless you're making and filling your own ravioli.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:15, Reply)

My mini-tiny ravioli rolling pin is one of my favourite kitchen gadgets.
I pretend I'm a giant.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:17, Reply)

I pulled off an epic piece of kitchen win a couple of months ago
we made our own wedding cake and rolling icing for a 30cm bottom tier is pretty challenging. Cake-makers 50cm marble rolling pin? £35. Narrow steel table leg from B&Q and angle-grind the end off? £7.

All round win. And that's even before I worked out how to slice the teir horizonally with picture wire.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:25, Reply)

My thoughts to that was "teir? teir? Their? There? Is Badger saying 'their' like people sometimes say 'teh' to be all cutesy with their spellings? .... OHHHHHH, teir, like a layer of cake, yeah', that is a real word".

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:28, Reply)

I did spell it wrong, to be fair. tier.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:28, Reply)

Have you seen L-Space's Heath-Robinson sous vide set-up?
That's some diy kitchen win.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:39, Reply)

I'm refitting one of my labs here and I'm totally fucking stealing the water bath
it's big enough for about a quarter of a pig and the digital thermostat is accurate to about .2 of a degree according to my Squirrel.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:46, Reply)

It's next on my list after I've built the pizza oven.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:49, Reply)

I've gone back to a rock and roll city life
so have no garden for making an oven. Boo. I get OK results with my electric oven at 270ish and a stone, though. Although I have to blind bake the dough rolled-out for a couple of mins before topping it. But a proper oven would be so much better.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:52, Reply)

I'm gradually extending the kitchen down the garden.
I'm not going to be happy until it meets the vegetable plot expanding in the opposite direction.

I've got plans to dig a wine cellar. That may require some careful domestic negotiation.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:56, Reply)

Blame your girls.
The eldest must be well into digging by now, right? "Ah, sorry about that .. .yeah, I mean, she was just digging a hole and I turned my back for a second, she'd put the joists in and everything. brickwork's lovely, though, right?"
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 11:08, Reply)

This might work.
My original plan was to claim I was digging some serious foundations for a climbing frame. You can never be too careful. Think of the kiddies!
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 11:20, Reply)

Nah', it's much nicer to make your own, I agree it's a bit of hard work without a pasta machine, but with a machine by the time the water's boil the pasta can be done.
But the textures and flavours are much nicer, plus you get the startchy water which helps sauces, you don't really get that with supermarket or dry pasta.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:26, Reply)

if the textures and flavours are nicer you're buying rubbish pasta, mate.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:28, Reply)

In which case, they don't sale good pasta. They sale it'll-do pasta.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:34, Reply)

I don't own a microwave
or a dishwasher, or a toaster how cool am I.
( Peej, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:57, Reply)

Not very cool at all. Soz.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:59, Reply)

Do you have domestic staff?
If you don't have domestic staff and you don't own a dishwasher then you're a fucking idiot.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 9:59, Reply)

My dishwasher is Polish.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:00, Reply)

I got a 'polish' off my 'dishwasher' only last night.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:03, Reply)

Your right hand can do more than one thing?

(Poppet some assembly required., Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:05, Reply)

Ha! I'm LEFT HANDED!!!!

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:07, Reply)

genuine LOL.

(Poppet some assembly required., Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:09, Reply)

What should you do if your dishwasher breaks down?
Slap the bitch.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:07, Reply)

it os
(PsychoChomp, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:09, Reply)

Bloke goes to the Dr and says he thinks his wife is dead.
Dr says " You THINK she's dead? Why only think?"
Bloke says " Sex is the same but the washing up's piling up!!"

/coat
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:10, Reply)

I still can't work out if that joke is about blowjobs.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:15, Reply)

I still can't work out how this could possibly be a source of confusion to you.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:18, Reply)

I don't have a dishwasher because it doesn't take long to wash up by hand

( Peej, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:25, Reply)

Spoken like a true peasant.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:32, Reply)

They're noisy, slow, expencive and half the stuff doesn't get cleaned properly
they require maintenance and eventual replacement. A wife just requires a slap every now and then
( Peej, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:34, Reply)

Who are, peasants? You are so right.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:36, Reply)

I find wives require far more maintenance than dishwashers.
imho.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:36, Reply)

Mine is silent, takes zero time, and costs less than doing it by hand.
Are you living in the 1970s?

edit: in which case, can you fetch me a box of original findus crispy pancakes? Ta.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:41, Reply)

paper plates and plastic cutlery is a bit lazy, though

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:52, Reply)

chocolate
although i have become a bit obsessed with the chocolate topped sesame snaps recently. FIT.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:15, Reply)

I had a chocolate filled chouix pastry last night.
god it was a bit nice.
(Poppet some assembly required., Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:20, Reply)

Chocolate sesame snaps?!

(berk, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:25, Reply)

I like going for a nice walk to calm down.
Or having a glass of champers.
I could do with one now as I've come into work an hour and a half early for a management meeting which has now been moved and no one bothered to fucking tell me. It's fine though as it's been rescheduled to take place during my break. I will now be working 13hours without stopping.

I am not a happy girl.
( wanderlust, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:16, Reply)

I suggest
Some light till fraud.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:18, Reply)

Nah, someone was sacked last week for doing that.
Theft is too risky at the moment.
( wanderlust, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:23, Reply)

Not to mention immoral.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:28, Reply)

Ohhhh ummmm yeah.
That too.
( wanderlust, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:30, Reply)

Immoral?
Who are you and what have you done with Montague Boyce?
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:30, Reply)

You're getting a break now
what are you complaining about
(PsychoChomp, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:21, Reply)

I wouldn't mind so much if I wasn't working a 6 day week,
three of which are doubles.
( wanderlust, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:25, Reply)

Think of the lovely lovely monies
and the holiday in Canada you will spend them on.
(berk, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:30, Reply)

I am thinking of nothing but at the moment.
I cannot wait to be back in the land of maple and mounties. I will be spending all of my money on BC bud and running around the forest pretending to be a naughty pixie.
( wanderlust, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:34, Reply)

Not another larper :(

(PsychoChomp, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:54, Reply)

*kills self just in case*

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 11:00, Reply)

Oh I can imagine lusty as a naughty pixie.
A sort of sexy alternative Tinkerbelle.
( girlinthehole, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 11:01, Reply)

Doubles all round!!

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:31, Reply)

Ding dong.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:37, Reply)

Register your disappointment through the medium of DIRTY PROTEST.
Then nick their finest cognac and retire to a local park.

Stress will be a distant memory. GUARANTEED.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:23, Reply)

I have sent a message to the restaurant owner telling him he owes me a bottle.

( wanderlust, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:27, Reply)

*Sits in the corner of the church hall, looking at all the happy people dancing and drinking punch for the summer galla, waiting for a pretty girl to ask me to dance*

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:35, Reply)

Would you like to dance young man?
I may not be pretty but I'm easy : )
( girlinthehole, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:53, Reply)

OH MAN !

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 11:02, Reply)

One of my staff just informed me that his wife may have to have a vasectomy.
I exploded in hysterical laughter and he was seriously offended until I explained his error.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:35, Reply)

Says it all about who owns the bollocks in that particular relationship.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:38, Reply)

Quite so.
Or that the poor man's been boffing a tranny for 15 years without knowing it.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:40, Reply)

hard to imagine that taking place unless it was in the dark, with the covers over them both.

(Poppet some assembly required., Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:42, Reply)

'I always wondered why my wife only likes it from behind.


And why her minge always smells of poo'
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:44, Reply)

Hahahaha!

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:49, Reply)

*shudders*

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:42, Reply)

Brought back bad memories, old boy?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 11:03, Reply)

The worst!

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 11:05, Reply)

well, apparently if you has been and the condom splits
it's OK to do it again bareback as "the damage has been done"

Course, you could end up with HIV if you, but, swings and roundabouts, innit?
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:49, Reply)

If a rapid disintegration of one's ability to write in English is an indicator of HIV infection
I urge you to get to a doctor IMMEDIATELY.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:54, Reply)

I appear to be missing words out of sentences at random
I'd like to blame drink and drugs but I suspect it's just work.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 11:09, Reply)

Nah, it deffo AIDS. I'm tellin' ya blud.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 11:14, Reply)

OH NO!!! IT LOOKS LIKE I HAVE IT TOO!!!!!!!!!11111!!

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 11:14, Reply)

I take back my earlier comparison to Rowley Birkin QC.
I'm sure you are in fact the real life version of the 13th Duke of Wybourne.
(The Luggage is haunted..., Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:51, Reply)

I like to relax by having a party in my pants and inviting EVERYONE!!!
ALT: Ampetamines.
( girlinthehole, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:46, Reply)

Can I come to your pants party?

( wanderlust, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:48, Reply)

You're near the top of the list hon!

( girlinthehole, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:49, Reply)

How many other people are on this list?

( wanderlust, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:51, Reply)

Eleventy one.

( girlinthehole, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:52, Reply)

'We're gonna need a bigger pants'

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:55, Reply)

Or a duvet.

(The Luggage is haunted..., Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:55, Reply)

You haven't seen my pants have you?

( girlinthehole, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 10:58, Reply)

My legal team are advising me not to answer this question.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 11:01, Reply)

Haha!

( girlinthehole, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 11:03, Reply)

Drink Coffee and think about Boobies
Alt: Drink coffee and listen to Slayer's Seasons in the Abyss. I am multi tasking by doing both this morning.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Wed 27 Jul 2011, 11:03, Reply)

Works for me, but swap Slayer for Celtic Dream.

(The Luggage is haunted..., Wed 27 Jul 2011, 11:05, Reply)

*Youtubes Celtic Dream*
I fail to see how this would get work done more quickly, but each to their own.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Wed 27 Jul 2011, 11:07, Reply)

I'm in work, but it is as quiet as the grave here.
I wouldn't be able to write about you lot otherwise.
(The Luggage is haunted..., Wed 27 Jul 2011, 11:10, Reply)

Hmmmm
Write about us? you have a book coming out? The Austists of b3ta? or is this more slash?
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Wed 27 Jul 2011, 11:20, Reply)

Just the slash mate.
God, this makes me sound like I do it all the time. No. I just write it on the fly, when the mood takes me.
(The Luggage is haunted..., Wed 27 Jul 2011, 11:22, Reply)

Who's in your sights at the moment?
or is it less planned than that?
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Wed 27 Jul 2011, 11:27, Reply)