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(, Sun 1 Apr 2001, 1:00)
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anything ever happened to you at a wedding? been married? did it last?
alt funeral?
altalt birthday party?
altaltalt good afternoon?
(, Tue 26 Jun 2012, 15:39, 230 replies, latest was 14 years ago)
I'm a stats guy.
(, Tue 26 Jun 2012, 15:52, Reply)
i'd go to LV for the hookers though
(, Tue 26 Jun 2012, 15:53, Reply)
made $20 last an entire afternoon, got plenty of free drinks.
(, Tue 26 Jun 2012, 16:15, Reply)
AltAltAlt: yes thanks, how about you?
(, Tue 26 Jun 2012, 15:43, Reply)
what matters is how crucial it is.
(, Tue 26 Jun 2012, 15:44, Reply)
and yes, twice, surprisingly the first one didn't, hence the second one.
Or maybe I just liked my stag do so much I secretly craved another. Who knows?
(, Tue 26 Jun 2012, 15:44, Reply)
(, Tue 26 Jun 2012, 15:46, Reply)
Otherwise I'd suggest we all go out together.
(, Tue 26 Jun 2012, 15:51, Reply)
I mean, would you not want to do something with your friends?
(, Tue 26 Jun 2012, 15:52, Reply)
and her friends, by the point of marriage I'd know most of them as well.
I don't really see why it's a bad idea.
(, Tue 26 Jun 2012, 15:54, Reply)
I was more wondering why you wouldn't do anything if your missus didn't want to, that seemed a bit odd.
(, Tue 26 Jun 2012, 15:55, Reply)
then I don't have a problem with it. It's just I like the idea of everybody getting hammered together.
(, Tue 26 Jun 2012, 15:57, Reply)
both ended in tears, one ended with a bot dog in the salad
(, Tue 26 Jun 2012, 15:58, Reply)
I want to think of it as the start of the wedding, I guess.
Hopeless romantic.
(, Tue 26 Jun 2012, 15:59, Reply)
regardless of how you actually arrange it. So that part isn't really relevant
(, Tue 26 Jun 2012, 16:03, Reply)
we went to Brighton, got mega lashed, next day did go karting etc, then got mega lashed, went to the dogs, got more lashed, then went out and went to a strip club, got some more lash on, them stumbled home in the light.
Good times
(, Tue 26 Jun 2012, 16:04, Reply)
my missus and her mates were also my mates. I just don't see the point of segregation.
(, Tue 26 Jun 2012, 16:06, Reply)
(, Tue 26 Jun 2012, 15:52, Reply)
and, whilst I suspect her agenda was mostly lack of trust, I think it was one of her better ones.
(, Tue 26 Jun 2012, 15:54, Reply)
(, Tue 26 Jun 2012, 15:51, Reply)
Mine was excellent, Sevens rugby at Twickenham, followed by beers, a decent meal and a lot more beer. No dressing up, no practical jokes, just a good day with 20 or so mates.
(, Tue 26 Jun 2012, 15:53, Reply)
The best man was under strict instructions not to pull any shite so we all just had a belting night out instead
(, Tue 26 Jun 2012, 15:52, Reply)
alt: i went to two of my best friend's dad's in two weeks last year, they were both in their late 50's
altalt: yes please, with cake and balloons and games, but no clowns.
altaltalt: fuckin bored and demotivated, but i am happy with my new sunglasses
(, Tue 26 Jun 2012, 15:45, Reply)
I have been invited to 10 wedding this year, but i'm only going to 9
(, Tue 26 Jun 2012, 15:47, Reply)
tbh, we don't really see each other and I'm sure he invited me because he felt he should. So really i'm doing him a favour, plus I have a friends wedding the same day which will be more fun
(, Tue 26 Jun 2012, 15:50, Reply)
your friend would understand, i'm sure
(, Tue 26 Jun 2012, 15:53, Reply)
when it got hit by a car and turned over on its side, throwing them through the window and onto a roundabout. Not the best start to the day, to be honest
(, Tue 26 Jun 2012, 15:45, Reply)
you do know that means she's going to hell, right? the accident was probably god fucking shit up
(, Tue 26 Jun 2012, 15:47, Reply)
Sorry, I know I shouldn't laugh, but that's made me piss myself laughing.
(, Tue 26 Jun 2012, 15:48, Reply)
I'd thoroughly recommend it
(, Tue 26 Jun 2012, 15:49, Reply)
at mine we had no knife to cut the cake with :/
(, Tue 26 Jun 2012, 15:59, Reply)
(, Tue 26 Jun 2012, 16:00, Reply)
With Sheriff John Burnell.
"and that's one backdoor impact the bride WASN'T expecting"
(, Tue 26 Jun 2012, 15:48, Reply)
I'm now having some kind of asthma attack here
(, Tue 26 Jun 2012, 15:49, Reply)
I have not been married. A fact that I am thankful for.
(, Tue 26 Jun 2012, 15:49, Reply)
Massive power cut at my brother's wedding led to an acoustic set by Dexy's Midnight Runners, I went out for a smoke.
alt: My cousin got so pissed at our Grandma's funeral he barfed over the buffet.
alt alt: lost 11 teeth on my 10th birthday. We played blind man's buff, my brother stood behind a concrete fencepost.
altaltalt: I am making a model and watching movies, so grand ta. How are you Q?
(, Tue 26 Jun 2012, 15:54, Reply)
what sort of model are you making?
(, Tue 26 Jun 2012, 15:56, Reply)
so he can play out his rape fantasies
(, Tue 26 Jun 2012, 16:01, Reply)
one of my own creations, out of polystyrene and what not, coming along nicely.
(, Tue 26 Jun 2012, 16:47, Reply)
were you playing blind mans bluff on a jetbike?
(, Tue 26 Jun 2012, 15:58, Reply)
EDIT: mass x speed = momentum, ie because bobby is so fat he didn't need much speed to knock out all of his teeth.
(, Tue 26 Jun 2012, 16:00, Reply)
velocity=speed + direction
Momentum= velocity and mass
(, Tue 26 Jun 2012, 16:06, Reply)
Mass100 x speed / impact = 11 teeth missing from fat face
(, Tue 26 Jun 2012, 16:06, Reply)
a half multiplied by mass multiplied by (velocity) squared is kinetic energy.
(, Tue 26 Jun 2012, 16:20, Reply)
that explains why I couldn't get your mum off the bed this morning then, not enough momentum
(, Tue 26 Jun 2012, 16:24, Reply)
her wheelchair weighs at least 100 kilos, it's the batteries.
(, Tue 26 Jun 2012, 16:26, Reply)
velocity is just speed in a specific direction
but, yeah. granted. Still, I only lost four teeth from an impact the maxillofacial surgeon gleefully pointed out would have killed me instantly had it been two inches higher. Ten seems ... careless.
(, Tue 26 Jun 2012, 16:02, Reply)
(, Tue 26 Jun 2012, 16:03, Reply)
I'd be a mess.
(, Tue 26 Jun 2012, 16:18, Reply)
after travelling full pelt down a 1 in 4 incline. He lost two.
I am baffled at Bobby's shitty tooth strength.
(, Tue 26 Jun 2012, 16:04, Reply)
My father had just died which made me a miserable and then a few days before the wedding she dumped me. The day before she calls me and asks if I will still go with her. For some reason I accept. The wedding goes OK but the reception has a free bar. As the ex is ignoring me totally and chatting up some blonde guy I head for the bar and order 4 sambucas and a Guinness, I drink rinse and repeat 3 times. A couple of the ushers come and ask me to get them a drink as at 16 and 17 they are too young, I drunkenly oblige. By this point I am mullered. Highlights from then on include arguing with her very catholic grandmother about condoms, drunkenly spilling Guinness on the bride and being found passed out in the lavvys by the two ushers. They did the decent thing and carried me out for some fresh air. They then left me in a flowerbed outside the hotel. Then the best part, my ex's dad came out and found me in the flowerbed, he got me up and put me in the car, drove me to his house rather than my own and put me in his daughters bed. She had to sleep on the sofa. The next morning I was very hungover, he drove me home and told me how much he liked me and how he was upset that we had broken up. I managed, but only just, not to puke in his car. And that was that, I never saw any of them again until randomly 8 years later 300 miles away from where the incident took place I was walking past a restaurant and saw her parents eating a meal. They saw me and I smiled. He came out and we had a chat, I mentioned the wedding and he told me through the laughter that the family still talk about it but because I hadn't met any of them them and because I had been dumped a few days before so wasn't seen with the ex, no-one has any idea who I was and what I was doing there.
Alt. When I was 13 I went to a funeral and this crazy guy at the wake sat down at the kitchen table and told me a very long winded story about how he had killed someone. I couldn't understand why my parents had left me in the kitchen with this nutter.
altalt. I've never been invited to a birthday party
altaltalt. No, its going shite so far.
(, Tue 26 Jun 2012, 16:11, Reply)
Gets in a fight, throws guy through window, guy gets slash to throat and dies, man plants his knife on man and claim self defence.
Now I am older I can see it reeks of supermodels and accords but when I was 13 I was scared of the crazy person.
(, Tue 26 Jun 2012, 16:20, Reply)
Her mistake was doing this in front of my wife and they are no longer friends. Huzzah!
(, Tue 26 Jun 2012, 16:25, Reply)
don't ask, don't get. do ask, don't get. complain about online- don't get.. maybe get caught with a friend nibbling on your nik-nak is the magic number?
(, Tue 26 Jun 2012, 16:30, Reply)
(, Tue 26 Jun 2012, 16:32, Reply)
if you knew it you'd understand why 2000 is a sensible cut off.
(, Tue 26 Jun 2012, 16:52, Reply)
I was a twat at My ex girlfriends, uncles wedding and I'm damn proud of it.
(, Tue 26 Jun 2012, 16:26, Reply)
b3ta's very own
i managed to get mauled by a very nice but rather terrifying lass who tried to eat my face/tug me off with great force.. this would have been ok but i was sat in the back of a small family hatch sandwiched between her and her older brother, with her mum eyeballing proceedings in the rearview mirror. i escaped once the car journey ended although she pinned me up against a wall and tried to coerce me into taking her home first (the fact she could pin someone my size to a wall should fully explain the 'terrifying' part!)
i also managed to leave the do without paying my bar tab, which i rectified in the morning (early afternoon) when i came to and heard the messages on my phone.
(, Tue 26 Jun 2012, 16:15, Reply)
I actually found a picture of the lass in question HERE I'd forgotten that she tried to pull you off in front of her own mother and brother, classy bird.
(, Tue 26 Jun 2012, 16:23, Reply)
well played sir. Textbook.
(, Tue 26 Jun 2012, 16:25, Reply)
considering the cheap prices at the venue (compared to laaahndun) i should also mention that because i didn't confirm till the last minute and didn't therefore have a dinner, i drank steadily, on my own until you'd finished making speeches, eating, toasting, etc and were ready to dance, by whcih time i was absolutely fucking banjoed.
(, Tue 26 Jun 2012, 16:34, Reply)
I drank champers and 18year old scotch for breakfast and then went to the pub. Had a few rum and cokes and then went to the church. then drank a bottle of fizz on the horse and carriage and shared one in the rolls royce. It a damn good thing I didn't need to do a speech.
(, Tue 26 Jun 2012, 16:36, Reply)
in all the photos.
i still have guilt for calling down providence by going 'someone's gonna trip over the bride's train in a minute! hope it's not phil...
boom
gimpwalking on the honeymoon
(, Tue 26 Jun 2012, 16:52, Reply)
(, Tue 26 Jun 2012, 16:26, Reply)
but i ran out of petrol
(, Tue 26 Jun 2012, 16:26, Reply)
(, Tue 26 Jun 2012, 16:29, Reply)
Her brother was drunk at a party and squeezed my wifes arse. He then fell over and broke his front teeth in half.
Justice!
(, Tue 26 Jun 2012, 16:29, Reply)
i must say you took it well, and HAVE BARELY MENTIONED IT SINCE IN ANY WAY WHATSOEVER
(, Tue 26 Jun 2012, 16:31, Reply)
i thought you meant the original source of the jokes
(, Tue 26 Jun 2012, 16:34, Reply)
But we were at Tom the guitarist from the bands house and the brother of your manatee was squeezing her arse and she kept pushing him away and then he drunkenly face planted the concrete steps. Smashed his front teeth and cut his face up. LOL!
(, Tue 26 Jun 2012, 16:38, Reply)
(, Tue 26 Jun 2012, 16:40, Reply)
At my friend Dave's wedding, a girl attempted to hook up with me by getting Dave to let me know she was interested. Unfortunately for all concerned I was being faithful to the ex at the time.
At my best friend Ian's wedding I fell for another guest, who was married.
At my friend Lee's wedding I got mauled by an ugly girl in front of my ex, who found it funny and refused to help. I also made friends with the world's most stereotypical stripper who "was just doing this to pay her way through college" on his stag.
(, Tue 26 Jun 2012, 16:25, Reply)
But she got in trouble for talking to me rather than dancing for me and thereby relieving me of my money.
(, Tue 26 Jun 2012, 16:27, Reply)
mainly that I'm not going to have a second.
(, Tue 26 Jun 2012, 16:26, Reply)
as my "current Wife", just to keep her on her toes
(, Tue 26 Jun 2012, 16:27, Reply)
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, you, 12, 13, 15 etc joke on her and she still married me.
(, Tue 26 Jun 2012, 16:29, Reply)
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, you, 12, 13, 14, 14, 15
(, Tue 26 Jun 2012, 17:03, Reply)
where one of the guests, a really nice funny but totally utterly antisocially wrong scotsman (it helps to imagine him speaking exactly like begbie for this part) accosted the bride's father (a very respectable, godfearing american ad mogul from the old school) on the topic of his younger, easy on the eye, maybe had a bit of work wife with the immortal line "aye, soo, what's the craic big man? ha'ye got a big cock or are ye rich or what? yer wife's fit! yer daughter's fit too, but she's a bit young, d'ye ken? (she's 13ish) ah i bet yer rich AND you've a big cock eh? "
he also later to the father of the bride proclaimed " so- that speech, did you mean it? ah fuck off did ya mean it- you americans, you fucking HATE the english, eh big man? (groom is english) eh? fucking english eh? "
his crowning glory was when the stepfather of the groom, on the brides request, sang an old hebrew prayer, in the ensuing respectful silence after which he leans across, and in a stage whisper says to me "that was like fuckin' special needs karaoke eh? fuckin reet!"
(, Tue 26 Jun 2012, 16:48, Reply)
in the most literal sense of the word. force of nature.
definitely livened up the wedding.
(, Tue 26 Jun 2012, 16:55, Reply)
I thought the meme involved the kitchen floor.
Also I fucking hate that word.
(, Tue 26 Jun 2012, 16:59, Reply)
(, Tue 26 Jun 2012, 17:00, Reply)
The next day, my parents complained that I was so drunk I was wearing my jacket as trousers (not my suit jacket, another one). It took me a while to work that one out, I eventually realised that as I was in a rented suit, it needed returning, and when I'd actually changed into it, I'd left my trousers at my brothers house. Therefore, the jacket-as-trousers was simply genius.
Alt: Went to my first humanist one last year, got absolutely shitfaced afterwards.
AltAlt: My 22nd was pretty good, went out, had drinks bought for me all night, ended the night with a shag (christ knows how).
AltAltAlt: Not great, tbh.
(, Tue 26 Jun 2012, 16:51, Reply)
Ah well, tis payday, that's a good thing!
(, Tue 26 Jun 2012, 16:53, Reply)
that's good, we're a bit worried here cos we bank with natwest, and if the staff don't get paid there'll be a big uh-oh
(, Tue 26 Jun 2012, 16:54, Reply)
Just applied for a Smile account though, can't wait to be shot of Halifax.
(, Tue 26 Jun 2012, 16:57, Reply)
but Tricky would be funny, getting married next week in poland, no passport, no money to fast track the passport, everything's going wrong for him
i want to see him cry
(, Tue 26 Jun 2012, 17:05, Reply)
but that's his own fault.
Yep, tricky's marrying a girl called Ula, she seems almost pretty-ish but doesn't talk much
(, Tue 26 Jun 2012, 17:10, Reply)
(, Tue 26 Jun 2012, 17:11, Reply)
plus some weekends and stuff too, we only cover his expenses really
(, Tue 26 Jun 2012, 17:12, Reply)
so I'm going to a shotgun wedding in 11 days time. It on a navy base so cheap booze ahoy!
(, Tue 26 Jun 2012, 16:55, Reply)
there was mead and sword-fighting and archery and people in awesome medieval costumes and campfires and a throne and cake and camping (although not me) and I got to wear dark red DMs and a cool frock I made
(, Tue 26 Jun 2012, 16:59, Reply)
so I said he should. He was wearing hooded robes and sat at the back of the church during the service so as not to scare the old ladies
(, Tue 26 Jun 2012, 17:09, Reply)
(, Tue 26 Jun 2012, 17:11, Reply)
just some nasty wound prosthetics on his face and hands
(, Tue 26 Jun 2012, 17:20, Reply)
and being the bride is the one time people feel they have to do what you say. Even if you are me
(, Tue 26 Jun 2012, 17:19, Reply)
last couple of weeks of term, so I'm kicking back a bit. Also, got given wine today. If nothing else the whole 'giving wine/chocolates to your lecturer' thing is certainly a perk of the job.
you?
(, Tue 26 Jun 2012, 17:26, Reply)
Mother of my kid is guilting me out massively about how much money I give her - just a few days after telling me the dates of her fortnight in Spain in July, when I won't see my kid. The fucking utter cunt.
(, Tue 26 Jun 2012, 17:28, Reply)
you seem like the type
(, Tue 26 Jun 2012, 17:32, Reply)
I do know of one chap, old 'colleague' of an actual friend of mine, known as 'Kit Kat' because he only has four fingers following a, ah, disciplining he got over a debt.
(, Tue 26 Jun 2012, 17:34, Reply)
(, Tue 26 Jun 2012, 17:02, Reply)
(, Tue 26 Jun 2012, 17:03, Reply)
and far more interesting so I accept this answer
(, Tue 26 Jun 2012, 17:04, Reply)
My best friend went to Vegas but it was just them
Alt no
alt alt no
altaltalt meh, they're trying to call me into work but I'm simply not answering
(, Tue 26 Jun 2012, 17:10, Reply)
A mate and I jumped into the pool fully clothed at a reception
That's about it
(, Tue 26 Jun 2012, 17:25, Reply)
i'm gonna vote your answer as the best in the thread and award you a free moshi monster sticker as the prize
(, Tue 26 Jun 2012, 17:26, Reply)
I'm pretty rubbish, you splendid example of womanhood.
You alright?
(, Tue 26 Jun 2012, 17:38, Reply)
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