Can't resist...
Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A: No idea.

Q: What do you call a deer with no legs and no eyes?
A: Still no idea.

Q: What do you call a deer with no legs, no balls and no eyes?
A: Still no fucking idea.

Q: What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the middle of a swimming pool?
A: Bob.

Q: What do you call a man with no arms and no legs sitting on your front doorstep?
A: Mat.

Q: What do you call a man dressed in a paper suit?
A: Russel.

Q. What is green and goes 300 miles an hour in really really small circles?
A: A frog in a blender.

Q: What's red and white and sits in the corner?
A: A baby using a potato peeler as a comb.

Q: What's red, green, purple and black and sits in the corner?
A: Same baby, six weeks later.

Q: What do you call a pram on top of Uluru?
A: Meals on wheels.

Must resist...
( argyleblanket The man on the roof works for me, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 14:01, 1 reply)

OK, I will try to tell a true story.
I've mentioned before that I am an Essex boy.

I grew up on a council estate in the late 70's early 80's.

We didn't have much money, we didn't have a particularly worldy view.

But my parents tried, bless em, they tried. They wanted to better themselves.

And to be fair, they succeeded. They did well for themselves.

But this often caused problems with my common as muck, working class, bread and dripping Grandparents.

Never was this more true than when my parents decided that a family treat was in order.

They took us all, me, my brother, my Nan, my Grandad out to dinner.

To a Harvester (don't laugh, in early 80's Essex, these were a luxury).

We looked at the menu, and Grandad, seeing himself as the head of the family, took it upon himself to order.

He went up to the bar, he started speaking. Then suddenly, it went a bit odd.

We couldn't tell what was going on, but the waitress looked shocked. And then, out of the blue...

...she slapped him round the face...

He came back to our table, furious, and we asked what happened.

He said he didn't know, he'd started ordering our food...and she'd gone mental.

My Nan was having none of it, so went to speak to the waitress.

She came back with a face like thunder.

'You dirty old man' she said, 'No wonder she slapped you, she said you asked her for a quicky'...

and the penny dropped.

'Um...Granddad', I said, 'I think you'll find it's pronounced quiche'



























OK, so I lied. I can't think of a way to tell a true story this week.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 13:59, Reply)

The Bacon Tree
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death.

Our Hispanic heroes are just about ready to lie down and wait for the inevitable, when, all of a sudden:

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell? Ees bacon, I is sure of eet."

"Si, Luis, eet smells like bacon to meee."

So, with renewed strength, the Latino amigos struggle off up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree just loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon... every imaginable kind of cured pig meat you can imagine.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved! Eees a bacon tree."

"Luis, are you sure ees not a mirage? We ees in the desert, don' forget."

"Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a mirage that smell of bacon... ees no mirage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe following closely behind, when BANG! BANG! BANG! Shots ring out from all sides and Luis is cut down in his tracks.

It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to stagger back towards his horrified amigo, and with his dying breath gasps:

"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree...

Ees a Ham Bush..."
(Richard of York gained battles in vain, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 13:58, 2 replies)

Some
torsos walk into a bar. The barman says 'Sorry, we don't serve Boddies.'

Some ghosts walk into a bar. The barman says 'Sorry, we don't serve spirits'.

The noise out of a vacuum cleaner walks into a bar. The barman says 'Sorry, we don't serve whines in here.'




I'll get me coat.
( Smallbrainfield, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 13:58, 2 replies)

Pun Based Lymeric...
The young men at porn picture-palaces
have no time for psychoanalysis,
And though Dr. Freud
gets distinctly annoyed,
They cling to their long standing falacies.
www.instantrimshot.com/
(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 13:56, Reply)

Gordon Brown meets Barack Obama
"Gordon, not even you can be this consistently shit for so long" exclaims the exasperated president.

"Your country hates you, you've fucked up the economy thanks to reckless spending and you've burdened the British people with sky high taxes for the next twenty years to pay for your ineptitude" continues Obama.

"Sorry Mr President" simpers Brown

"Clearly, you haven't had your singular eye on the ball this past couple of years. Why the fuck not?" asked the president.

"Well, I've had my mind on other important matters you see..." he replied

"Like what?"

"Well, Tony bought me this jigsaw for my birthday. It's in a big box with a picture of a tiger on the front. I've been working on it ever since then, but it's so difficult."

"You're telling me you've been preoccupied with a jigsaw? Of a fucking tiger?" barked Obama.

"Yes. It's very difficult. It's got a picture of a tiger on the box and..."

"Tell you what, bring the damn thing in with you tomorrow and we'll sort it out together. Then you can go back to at least trying not to fuck Britain up for good".

The next day brings the beaming Prime Minister to the President's desk in the Oval Office, carrying a box displaying a picture of a tiger on the front. In one swift motion, he pours the contents all over Barack Obama's desk.

As Gordon Brown stands there grinning in triumph, Barack Obama raises his head to speak.

"Gordon..." says the president, slowly "...put the fucking Frosties back in the box".
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Thu 5 Mar 2009, 13:53, 5 replies)

pr0n musical
i came up with the idea a few years back for an all singing and dancing pr0n musical live on the westend stage

it was to feature a cast of hundreds of thai hookers and be called

'Itty Slitty Gang Bang"

one of the big numbers may or may not have had a passsing resemblance to the melody of 'Truly Scrumptious' but did feature the original lyric...

"trury rong time, me go for trury rong time

sucky fucky onry cost 5 buck"

and then i read only yesterday Jenna Haze is making a pr0n musical

visionary i tells ya

fucking. visionary.
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 13:53, Reply)

Carefully looks around room... before deciding "fuck it"...
Did you hear that it was freezing cold during the Battle of Pearl Harbor?

Yeah, apparently there was a really nasty nip in the air.
(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 13:52, Reply)

appropriate? who cares
the drummer in my band used to be in one called Walter Shortage and the Hose Pipe Band
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 13:51, 1 reply)

Gotta Love Tim Vine
"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books."

"And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.'

"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

"So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'

I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.' He said 'To camp?', I said [butchly] 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.' I said 'I also want to buy a caravan.' He said 'Camper?' I said [campily] 'Make your mind up.'

So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'"

"Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.'"

"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'"

"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"

"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin."

"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 13:49, 9 replies)

hmmm
you show me a piano falling down a mine, and i'll show you a flat minor
( awsm! namaste bitches, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 13:48, Reply)

Worst QOTW ever
"OK, it can't be easy choosing one now that all the best ones have been done. Still... Even "mix tapes" was better than this."

That's what my housemate told me, at the pub, when we were drinking from a hip-flask due to the credit crunch. This is the hypocritical cunt who suggested the mix tapes idea in the first place. Still, we were only at school at the time. Unfortunately he said it in front of Rob Manuel, and was promptly beaten to death for his impertinence. Darwin sniggered. He only did it because he was bored at work, to fit in with our crowd, and because his brother thought it was a good idea.

He's addicted to provocative statements like that. He's going to hell. Probably some Sugar Daddy will do him up the ass there, and he'll do more than cringe.
(drunkenfud, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 13:47, 1 reply)

It's just not.. well..cricket!
There I was, working in a bar at the 20-20 semi-final, in my home city. Towards the end of the second half, one of the porters approached bearing a list, and an empty tray. This was because he was on a mission to secure drinks for both teams, to be left in the dressing rooms for the players. He called the drinks out to me, and I poured them, leaving them on the tray in front of him. This system worked very well, until he asked for a dark rum and coke. "Sorry matey, we don't have any spirits at this bar, you could try the other end?" "Nah, he can 'ave a pint, same as everyone else" said the cheery porter. He waited whilst I poured, and headed off, drink laden, to the dressing rooms.

Upon his return, the porter said" You know what, I'm famished, I'm off to see if there's a pasty left in the canteen, you want one Sparkie?" I nodded happily, sometimes only a pie will do, so the porter wandered off whistling to himself, and I thought no more of it..

"Bugger it!" I span round upon hearing the porter's voice.. "There's no pasties or anything!" He complained " I mean, it's not much to ask!"

so I started to sing, to soothe his brow (I've always liked Bob Marley's musical stylings...)

"No rum and no pies... No rum and no pies!!"
It was lovely when everyone joined in, as I'd waited 20 years to repeat that joke!
(Beer Elf Thought this was like a campfire, anyhow, on, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 13:45, Reply)

German Market
This was an unintentional pun that sent Ms Hanky into a fucking RAGE (as in 28 Days Later) for a whole weekend.

And I honestly didn't mean it. It must be my perversion seeping out at a genetic level.

Last Christmas we were down at the German market they put on outside the Natural History Museum. Think loads of wooden sheds filled with expensive shit women like to clutter up the flat with and you get the idea.

The thing is, they had dressed a lot of the ladies working there in traditional Bavarian costume... Sexy traditional Bavarian costume. Silly hats, frilly skirts, and loose blouses. Very loose blouses that billowed open when they moved their arms revealing more tittage than you'd find in your average Amsterdam sex show.

I felt myself getting a lazy lob-on. Not good. I even had to pretend I had cramp at one point so we could stop and I could somehow command my cock through willpower alone to desist - now definitely was not Hammertime.

As I'm desperately trying to think of Luton Town FC and tractors (100% guaranteed to make you last longer when you're on the job boys, or in this case dull the fiery flame in my trousers), Ms Hanky waves over at a stall selling useless twattery.

"Ooooh," she proclaims. "They'd look lovely in our flat, Spanky! What do you think?" She puts her hand lovingly on my shoulder.

I look up, still thinking about a certain lower division football club and a certain type of farming machinery.

I see a stall selling pots and pans with pretty little flower patterns painted all over them. I hardly even noticed the lady standing behind the stall, leaning forward as she served someone, her mighty milky norks spilling out and nearly blinding passers by.

No, my eyes had settled on what I thought Ms Hanky was pointing at for sale on the stall.

"Nice jugs," I said.

And I could feel Ms Hanky's fingertips start to dig into my shoulder.

She may even have drawn blood.
( SpankyHanky, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 13:44, 2 replies)

Just a quickie...
A few years back, Mrs Spicious and I were driving home after visiting some chums. We passed a chinese resturant which had just re-opened after a refurb.

The place was called 'The Wok Inn'

To advertise the fact that they had resumed business the had a chalkboard outside proudly proclaiming

"Open again for lunch and evening meals"

Mrs Spicious: "That place looks nice, shall we try and book a table?"

Me: "Don't think we need to book ahead, I think we can just wok straight inn"


Ahem.


*feebles in corner out of shame*
( sir_spicious2000 Crap I've watched: www.filmplop.blogspot.com/, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 13:43, Reply)

The embarrassment of youthful music tastes
From about 16-21 I was a massive Carter The Unstoppable Sex Machine fan.

And, in the interests of honesty, I actually went to see their (first) last ever reunion gig over about 18 months ago (their second was in november, their third is November this year, I don't know when their final, last ever, reunion gig will be).

And while I still actually quite liked seeing them live, I was cringing when I remembered some of their song titles:

When Thesauruses ruled the earth
The only living boy in New Cross
Do Ray Me, So Fah, So Good
Watching the big apple turnover
The taking of Peckham 1,2,3
The road to Domestos
24 Minutes from Tulse Hill
Surfin' USM
My second to last will and testament
Sealed with a Glasgow kiss
The final comedown
Mid day crisis
Spoilsports personality of the year
Re-educating Rita

Really, what with that and the hair and the shorts, is it any wonder no one could take them seriously?
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 13:43, 5 replies)

Morningstar Boulevard
One day Lucifer decides that the pavements in his area are a bit the worse for wear, after all sinners have been trampling upon them for millennia now. So he decides to have them re-surfaced and puts the job out to tender. Considering his reputation as the Lord of Lies and a bit of a trickster it is no surprise that there are few bids. Less than few. One in fact. So Old Nick phones up Goodings and Sons to get the quote cleared up. The conversation goes as follows:

“Hello, is that Goodings and Sons?”
“Yes it is.”
“Ah, good show. This is Lucifer here, you put a bid in for a re-surfacing job but you didn’t detail the job breakdown in labour and materials.”
“Ok, let me just check…….Ah yes. The big one. Right, the labour cost come out at roughly £2.65billion and the materials at £25,000.”
“That sounds fine, but why are the materials so cheap?”
“Well, we just did some work for the Moscow State Circus and due to new road-laying technology we’ll be able to re-cycle the Big Top canvases. Keeps cost down you see.”
“That’s brilliant,” says Scratch, “Jobs yours.”

And that, dear friends is why

The Roads to Hell are paved with Goodings Tent Sheets.

Ay thang yew.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Thu 5 Mar 2009, 13:40, Reply)

Sorta relevant
news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/asia-pacific/4605202.stm

...made me do an office lol when I read the name of the reporter in context.
( Dave McF wrote some words on, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 13:39, 1 reply)

Drama Teacher
Aged 13 sat waiting in the drama theatre for our new teacher.

She walks in, silence descends upon the room:
"Hello class, my name is Mrs Cockaday"

Quickly followed by a threat of detention for any laughter. Bugger!
(Fluffy_Giblets, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 13:38, 3 replies)

A piece of Red Tarmac and a piece of Black Tarmac are sitting in a pub
They're drinking away and the the conversation slowly moves towards boasting.

"I'm part of a motorway. Everyday hundreds of cars travel over me, I'm so hard" Says the Black Tarmac.

"I'm stopping tarmac. Everydays cars use me to break on before traffic lights. They never manage to leave a mark." Boasts old Red Tarmac

"So what?" replies Black Tarmac, "I'm part of the slow lane, do you know how many lorries run over me every day? I've never needed patching."

Just then, as Red Tarmac opens his mouth to speak, the door to the pub swings open and in saunters a piece of Green Tarmac.

Quick as a shot the Black and Red Tarmacs dive over the bar and start cowering in terror under it. Bemused, the barman leans down and asks them, "If you 2 pieces of Tarmac are supposed to be so hard why are you hiding from that piece of Green Tarmac over there?"

Black Tarmac looks up at the bartender and whispers "Look mate, we made be hard but that piece of Green Tarmac over there, he's a Cycle Path!"

www.instantrimshot.com/
( Crap Little Monkey Deathstar, so good they built it twice, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 13:36, 1 reply)

Courses
Let's see how many of these I can remember - I came up with dozens and dozens many years ago.

I went on a sheepdog training course but I couldn't make myself herd.
I went on a whisky appreciation course but I didn't like the teachers.
I demanded to be allowed onto the Furniture Making course - well, I had to make a stand.
I had hoped to do a post-graduate course in Ballet but I needed a two-two.
I once did a Half-Hearted Management course which led to a degree.
I almost went on a "Rescuing Princesses the Mario Way" but when I got there they told me it was in another building.
One course I had to skip because it lasted a fortnight and I was too weak.

I'm sure I'll remember dozens more over the week. Brace yourselves!

EDIT: you'd better vote for this or I will post the others as I remember them in separate posts apeloverage style until you start screaming and never stop.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 13:36, Reply)

Triangular ?
A cowboy rides through an Indian village.
He see's an indian squaw sitting on a deer hide with her son.
Then he see's another squaw on a buffalo hide with her son.
Then he see's a squaw on a hippopotamus hide with 2 son's.
Hmmmmmm, he thinks........the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws on the other two hides.
( dogfish, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 13:35, 1 reply)

Suddenlty /talk seems like a nice place to hang out.
I hope they like me.


*wanders off*
( girlinthehole, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 13:33, Reply)

True story this!
I was driving through the Bedminster area of Bristol and towards me jog two Chinese men, both of them seemingly trying to take the lead in whatever running challenge they’d decided upon.

‘Oooh, a small race!’ says I – much to the amusement of the people I was carrying as passengers.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 13:30, Reply)

Tina Turner concert.
I know a dude (fairly tall and broad) who went to see Tina Turner concert last night.

When it was brought up in conversation yesterday, someone mentioned that she has a 'big gay following'...

"Well she certainly will do tonight!" was the only logical response.
(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 13:27, Reply)

What happens when you push a drum kit off a cliff?
www.instantrimshot.com/
( Crap Little Monkey Deathstar, so good they built it twice, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 13:26, Reply)

Spanky's reminded me
Not a pun as such, but I had a colleague a couple of years back who was trying for a baby with her husband.

After much frantic shagging, there was still no joy so they decided to get some tests done. Hubby trooped off to see his doctor to get his magic milk of life checked out.

Appropriately enough, his GP was named 'Dr Cummings'.

100% true
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Thu 5 Mar 2009, 13:24, 1 reply)

Telly Tubby
A little kid came up to me today and asked "what's your favourite Telly Tubby ?", I replied "probably the Sony Bravia, you cheeky little cunt"
( dogfish, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 13:24, 1 reply)