Primarily...
...PLEASE REMEMBER that bogs are there for people to let nasty brown stuff out of them in a relatively dignified manner. People who impair this function in any way are evil bastards. I am considering mocking up some posters for a fake training course called "elementary toilet hygiene for gentlemen employees" to put up in the bogs at work.
At least at work I generally have a choice of cubibles if one smells slightly too much of warm shit; as a small child with severe nervous diarrhoea* running from shop to shop trying to find a: a shop WITH a toilet, b: a shop with an unoccupied toilet or c: a shop with an unoccupied toilet which still had some paper and in which the seat hadn't been cracked in half, used in place of toilet paper and then pissed on I was grateful for anywhere...
I'm generally better now but still have mild paranoia when leaving the house that I'll suddenly desperately need a shit and be unable to find any suitable convenience.

I know some people so this differently but in my house we always shut and locked the door when toiletting. I thus developed a fear of the bogs at school (which I carried through to uni and beyond) where the lock was broken and developed many means of keeping them closed with the tools available (belts, pens, coins and once a sock depending on the type of lock and degree of damage). Anyway, I was once trundling around Brixton with some mates from school in preparation for a Dylan gig at the Academy. We stopped for a McShit on the way for which I was quite desperate at the time; I was therefore somewhat disturbed to discover that the cubicle doors barely reached chin level, something I hadn't noticed on the way in but did notice when my pal peered over the top and pointed it out to me as I was just preparing to wipe.


*Fine during 30-minute car journey to town (before which I had thoroughly emptied myself at home). Step out of car. Develop immediate pressing need to poo. Set off at extremely fast walk for shops.

I was always fine on the way home.
( wingpig wish I'd known about liquify eighteen years ago, Mon 5 Sep 2005, 6:32, Reply)

Pure Genius
Once off work for 2 days with a bad case of food poisoning. Still not fully recovered, i forced myself to go in on the Friday (to avoid having to get a doctors note etc..) only to find that it was a clients leaving drinks in the local pub after work. Would have been rude not to have a pint of bow so i stayed for one.

6 pints later i was bladdered, and whilst having a piss i tried to let out a sneaky fart, only to follow through with some veritable force. Luckily no one was in cubicle, so edged very carefully over, locked the door, and inspected the damage. White boxers were covered but the trousers were safe. Faced with the growing problem of what to do with half white half brown boxers, a pub full of clients and bosses, and no window, i removed the cistern lid, stuffed the boxers in, made sure the toilet worked, cleaned myself up (including legs), and walked out like nothing happened! Been meaning to go back and see if they're still there, but thank god for the old fashioned toilet!
(renton2000, Mon 5 Sep 2005, 4:33, Reply)

Camping...
...in a field near Matlock 20 years ago. Normally the site toilets worked okay, but one day the water was off and a dump was out of the question, so Pete and I borrowed a car and drove down into Matlock in search of a Public Loo. The first one we found was in the park, two traps with brick walls that had been painted many many times. Trollies down, I began to read the graffiti "If you want a big cock, be here at 12am..." etc., this was before mobile phones remember. I began to get worried.

"Pete?" Says I.
"Yep?"
"You got writing on your walls?"
"Yep."
"Is it new?"
"I've got one dated about 10 minutes ago."
Silence for a moment.
"I don't want a shit anymore."
(Julian Coped, Mon 5 Sep 2005, 4:11, Reply)

Strange old ladies
I was at the Royal Ontario Museum in Toronto. It was pretty quiet, and the bathroom was entirely empty apart from myself. So there were approximately 19 open, perfectly clean and and tidy stalls, and one stall occupied by me. I hear the bathroom door open, and someone entered the washroom. A few seconds later, I see two feet under the toilet door, shod in shoes could only be worn by someone over the age of 60. She starts pounding on the door of my stall and rattling it like she was trying to get in. I said "This stall is occupied!" but her attempts to gain entrance continued. I kept trying to indicate that someone was in the stall , and she kept trying to get in anyway. This continued for several minutes before she seemed to get the hint and used one of the other 19 unoccupied stalls. I have no idea why she was so adamant about using that stall. Her favourite one? Or was it some attempt at geriatric sexual assult? Who knows? I legged it at soon as I heard her enter another stall, so I never saw her face to face.
(BlackArmadillo Avoided writing that article on, Mon 5 Sep 2005, 3:49, Reply)

toilet fun
A mate of mine was at the State Of Origin (Massive footy game in Australia), and at half time went for a shit. The lock on the door was broken, so he had to keep the door shut with his foot. Some drunken bloke came racing in, kicked the door open and had a big beery spew all over my mate. Then he saw what he'd done, apologised, and bolted out again. So there was my mate, sitting on the bog, covered in someone elses spew, and his pants were full of spew as well. He left straight away, and couldnt convince anyone that he hadnt puked all over himself. The bus driver wouldnt let him on, so he had to walk most of the way home.
(hixy, Mon 5 Sep 2005, 3:31, Reply)

Oooh camping
Out in the sticks, just in a field, so to shit we had to hop a barbed wire fence, hop a small stream, climb a slope, dig a hole and do the job right there in the woods. All was well in the daytime, sober, but at night it got dark, and we took mushrooms. Lovely hawian mystery flavoured.

I'd love to be able to tell you that I got caught in the barbed wire, fell in the stream, kept slipping down the slope, bumped into a tree then shat all over my trousers, but because mushrooms make you very wise, once it got to about 11 at night and I needed to go, I forsaw this nightmare senario, chickened out and went to bed. Missed out on all manner of fun that night, but I think I made the right choice.
(Daveh, Mon 5 Sep 2005, 1:40, Reply)

Doing the business
Years ago I worked at a Brewery, who used to run tours that ended in the on-site pub, where there was food laid on and of course an open bar. All sorts of people came on the tours, but the worst drunken antics belonged to a group of suited business men, one of whom not only managed to crap on the toilet floor, but smear it everywhere.

The mess was so bad that all of the cleaners refused to clear it up, so the job fell to the Managing Director of the cleaning company, a man in his 60s who had probably never cleaned anything in his life before. Ironically he cleaned up wearing his suit...


Another one: party, my house a few years ago, a friend had drunk a lot of everything and after downing neat vodka vanished upstairs to lighten the load. So he sat on the toilet, pants round his ankles, and threw up into them, panicking he stood up opening his legs, spraying his puke everywhere. First I knew about this was when another friend thrust his hand under my nose, telling me that someone had been sick in my bathroom, and he opened his hand to show the stomach contents he'd scrapped off the floor. As if I needed proof!
(Julian Coped, Mon 5 Sep 2005, 1:16, Reply)

Blocked toilet
Was at my grandparent's house; too much bog roll resulted in a blocked toilet. Much worrying later, I happened on the idea of breaking a plastic coathanger in half and using the hook-part of the half with the hook still attached to dislodge the blockage. Worked like a charm. :D
(Beans goes up to eleven, Mon 5 Sep 2005, 0:21, Reply)

oh aye...
We had some wickedly boozed up BMXer party at a mates, fuled pretty much entirely by blackthorn and vodka. Naturally, someone reckons that if you drink piss quickly enough, its sterile. So he pisses in a bottle. It doesnt look like enough piss, so another guy pisses in it too. First guy trys to down it, but after like two gulps he projectile pukes right across the kitchen. Nice.


oooh another Leeds festy one, some bloke was going 'does anyone want to see mah piss' and waving a bucket around. I didn't, I just needed one, so I asked if I could use his bucket. The nice chap not only (trustingly) held it for me, he shielded me from passers by to protect my blushes. 'Ah'd only expect that ye'd dee the same fer me if ah was bustin laddie.' Yay.
(Daveh, Mon 5 Sep 2005, 0:07, Reply)

Pissing up the wall (first school)
Some kid in the year below pissed right up himself, all over his jumper and in his own face, trying to beat me! He pissed in his own face!

I was the best in our first school at this, cos I'm well tall. I heard once that I'd managed to get a little bit of piss on the ceiling one time, but I think someone got a little over excited (as you would) and made that bit up.

(ripped straight off playgroundlaw.com, but i did write it, so I'm allowed. (compare email addresses if you dont believe me.))
(Daveh, Sun 4 Sep 2005, 23:59, Reply)

Ten years ago when my wife was 8 months pregnant we went on holiday to Ireland
one day we were in Limerick, down near the river, and she needed to 'go' urgently. The nearest toilet was one of those "Superloo"s, I popped the coin in, the door opened and she walked in. Seconds later I could hear her screaming, someone has smeared every single surface inside with shit, including the door-open button. She spent the five minutes it took for the doors to open themselves screaming and crying, I was laughing my arse off outside.
(Chopper3, Sun 4 Sep 2005, 23:50, Reply)

Leeeds festy
Some of my mates were offered those funnels (see below) and wisely rejected them. However, we cajolled them until they finally gave in and used them (one of them fucking loved it.)

Also, at leeds they have these massive green metal toilets with a big pool underneath that all your shit and piss and tampons end up in. There was a story in the program this year about someone last year, who had drunkenly/drugkenly found his way into the underbelly of this vile contraption, waited for someone to try and take a shit, before sticking his head up through the toilet hole and shouting 'POP-UP PIRATE!' Needles to say, we shouted this at random passers by for the rest of the festival.

Ooh and on of the portaloos I used had a nicely crimped curly turd, with a nice pile of bloody tissues next to it. Very arty, thought I, before flushing the filthy mess.

Not really a story, but for some reason recently I've had quite a bad case of the split-pisses - canny annoying having a seperate stream of yellowy goodness fly off towards the wall/pile of toilet rolls/toilet ducks.



*edit oh yeah and if ever anyone needs sympathy its my mate who had dihorrea at last years Leeds, got through three rolls of bog roll. Bad craic.
(Daveh, Sun 4 Sep 2005, 23:45, Reply)

Talking of festivals, which a lot of people are,,,
I was a 'worker' at Leeds Festival last weekend and seeing the way that workers are treated just makes the way the other festival goers have to live look all the more squalid. Get this...on our special campsite we had proper hot showers in little portacabins! And our toilets were PRISTINE!! they must have cleaned them every hour. Not only that, our campsite was on the hill so that even though it pissed it down most of the weekend and the other campsites were like muddy swamps by saturday ours was ok. I can't believe when you pay over a hundred squids for a ticket you get treated like an animal. When I got caught short during the pixies I tried to use the so called Ladies near the main stage. As I walked in a lumo-coated worker handed me something. 'What's this?' Sez I. 'That's your funnel!' She replied, and it was true for as I looked into the toilets area there were several women squatting holding these little paper funnels and pissing on the rather sorry looking grass. In fact there were several thousand discarded ones on the floor...nice! 'I don't think so' I said, mustering all my dignity and waddled off slightly cross-legged back to the pixies.
(Kazza , loathing myself so you don't have to, Sun 4 Sep 2005, 22:37, Reply)

remembered another one - aren't toilets fun!
In middle school there was a story going around that if you stare at yourself in the mirrors in the toilets of a specific building, and say "hail mary" three times then a horrible creature would appear and scratch your eyes out.

Cue shennanigans where I would convince lowly first year students that it was bunkum and get them to say it. At the third stroke, my mate with his wild, shaggy hair would appear behind them, facing away so all they saw was a mass of untamed fur rising up behind them. More than one kid went screaming from the toilets vowing never to return.
( Damocles wants no part of your debauchery, Sun 4 Sep 2005, 22:21, Reply)

6th Form Pranks
Someone released a plague of Locusts in our school toilets on the last day, it wasn't moses though, this guy was a muslim.
(I R Advertiser How can you live like this you're out of control?, Sun 4 Sep 2005, 22:02, Reply)

Rash examiners
A mate of mine once went into a Universty bar toilet and stumbled accross two blokes who looked really boxed on some substance or other. Nothing in itself, but when you consider they were shirtless and examining the stange red blotches on eachother's torsos....and looking accusingly at the non-local boy who'd just walked in...not the best. A conspiratoral look between them was enough to drive my mate swiftly into the cubicle where he removed the top of the porcalin toilet tank in readiness to break it over the diseased weirdos heads should they try and make him join their blotchy cult.
(impossibly witty twat No, YOUR Mum etc etc, Sun 4 Sep 2005, 21:58, Reply)

Shock and Awe
Almost forgot this one;

House party, Newcastle, much booze and shenanigans, big house with three floors, and a crapper in the basement and first floor.

Bursting for a tolie, so off I trot to the basement. Kecks down, mid pinch, best cum-face and "nnnnnngh" noises in full flow, when all of a sudden the door flies open and there stands one of the house residents, an alcoholic scotsman, with a look of *utter* shock on his face to see me laying one out.

His excuse will stay with me to this day:

"Ah only bust in cos I thought ye were having a wank, eh"

Laugh? I almost shat.
(mymilkshakebringsallthemongstotheyard poison hearts, poison minds - joining hate, Sun 4 Sep 2005, 21:52, Reply)

Being son of a plumber
I know a thing or two about bogs, taking them apart for instance

one day, i decided i should dismantle all the urinals in the school toilets, so i did, and lo and behold, a giant piss waterfall! (well puddle really) quite laughed.

never got caught because i'm a master of disguise ;)
(Abusive Eskimo - My post is here, at the bottom, Sun 4 Sep 2005, 21:31, Reply)

4th best company to work for in UK

The esteemed company for which I work made £102m profit last year. Maybe this is because they have cut back investment in plumbing facilities.

One of the urinals suffers from a leak in the u-bend, so facilities have decided the best way to rectify the problem is to stick a large yellow bucket underneath, that slowly fills with stale piss, and requires one of the poor minimum-wage earning philipino cleaners to empty at the end of each day.

Perfectly understandable, but it has been well over a month, and the toilets are right outside the director's offices. Maybe they don't notice the stench.

Plumbers in London must charge a fortune if even a FTSE-100 company can't afford one.
(Flappers, Sun 4 Sep 2005, 21:19, Reply)

Oh... and yet another one
The thing about the diet in a summer camp is that it is very rich in fibre. Which can only mean one thing- massive turds. And oh, were they massive. One of my less favourite memories from working in a summer camp... having to deal with what came to be nicknamed (by me) Frankenturd and his bastard son Count Crapula. They weren't just massive. They were bloody gargantuan. However, as a thankyou for dealing with them I got money from the other counsellors in my bunk and used it that very evening to get
( jim_bob can herd cats., Sun 4 Sep 2005, 21:07, Reply)

Toilet
There was this one time I sat on the loo and I dont know how but I shat out a small Ethiopian child.
I named him Joe short for Jobbie
(Dodgyb, Sun 4 Sep 2005, 21:07, Reply)

Locked in a portaloo
At the local winter festival in our town one of our local politicans went into one of the portaloos for a dump. One of the other guests (still unknown who) walked over to said portaloo, stuck a piece of wire through the lock, thereby locking the door from the outside. Mr. politican spent another 20 minutes in there trying to open the door so that nobody notices his little mishap before sticking his hand out of the ventilation hole in the wall to wave for help. Only to draw the attention of 100 or so bystanders, all clearly amused about all this, but not really willing to help him out. When the door finally opened and it was clear who was in there, general hilarity went to boiling point. I guess this story will stick with him for his lifetime.
( RedWine President of the S.C.U.M., Sun 4 Sep 2005, 20:56, Reply)

So much fuss in a bus.
Departing from Victoria Bus Station was such sweet sorrow as I ventured northwards towards Lincoln. I shall call my fellow traveller Shane, for that is his name, who accompanied me on this most woeful of journies.

About two hours into the trip (It took at least 3 hours, maybe 4, perhaps even a mystical 5) I needed a dump. Not terribly, and definately not bad enough to endure the wonderful ameneties of National Express™.

So I went to the toilet. Naturally.
It must have been about 3 feet deep, 2 1/2 foot wide and 5 feet high. You have to step UP into it.
Given about a minute, I had my trousers down and was attempting to perch on the seat, the only way to stabilise myself as the coach flew around some sort of race track was to have my hands against the wall, finally, mission accomplished, we had touchdown.
For some reason at this point I started giggling like a stoned hatter (If only I was) and it took me a good 5 minutes to squeeze out an otherwise uneventful dump.

Went to flush... No water.
Tried the taps... No water.
So I was left sitting there, a decidedly whiffy log residing in the bowl beneath me, and no way to flush OR clean my hands.
So presented with this situation, I started to press the foot pedal over and over, eventually the log was chopped up by the hatch and fell into the cess tank. Pulled up my jeans and wiped my hands on about 50 million pieces of paper and went to leave.

Upon standing up I whacked my head on the ceiling, fell foward and whacked my face off the door. Then proceeded to open the door, fall foward again and almost crack my nose on the back of a seat.

I was crying with laughter at this point, and Shane was just like "What the fudge?".

He remarked later it would have been easier just to shit my pants. I think he was right. Good thing I didn't do a piss, it would have been all over the cubicle... Including my face.
(Miserygut, Sun 4 Sep 2005, 20:55, Reply)

my toilet is borked
spent £150 on shite plumbers who still can't fix it ... am flushing with a bucket at teh moment ... it has a tardis like poly-dimensional topographical quality (the loo, not teh bucket) which makes it impossible to see how it was ever installed ... my toilet therefore is from another dimension ... but that's still no fucking excuse for the plumber not being able to sort it (three fucking visits) ... tomorrow i shall try pooing in a direction consistent with M theory and see what happens ...

ps: just got mcflimby's joke about the architect with the house made backwards from 31 march ... didn't drop my kebab though
( writerblock ... embedding disabled by request on, Sun 4 Sep 2005, 20:17, Reply)

OKAY OKAY I GOT ONE
one time i took a shit so huge that the shit was just too funny to flush. i went among my business with the remains in my toilet. a few hours later i had noticed the dung grew mold, hairs and 2 eyes.

HAHAHHAHA YOU JUST GOT PUNK'D!!!111one SHIT CANT GROW EYES, STUPID!
(jose hakeem, Sun 4 Sep 2005, 19:52, Reply)

The sacred loo
A mate at work has what he affectionately calls the "sacred toilet", in which he likestakes a dump - he does it every day at the same time, and reckons its the best loo out of all of them for its atmosphere...

I was sitting in the canteen, mulling over a cup of water, when i'm joined by said mate. Quickly explains that someone has "soiled his toilet", which to me seems paradoxical. I checked out what he said, and my god was it bad. the turd was so massive that i (theoretically) couldnt put the cup i was using over it. We were in stitches laughing at it, for about a week whenever we saw this guy.

ROLF'S MAYO!!11
( Goon, Sun 4 Sep 2005, 18:45, Reply)

Falling in
I cant remember my exact age, but I was very young. I was at my grandmas, and went for a shit. I fell through the seat and got stuck in it, bent double. I started shouting for help, when I realised I had locked the door. My dad had to break the lock to rescue me.
( Malaka omdz, Sun 4 Sep 2005, 18:37, Reply)

Just remembered another toilet related story...
It was a school trip to Lyons in France. We were staying on dorms that consisted of a long straight corridor with rooms all extending off of one side of said corridor. At the end of the corridor were two toilets. This corridor was a few inches lower than the doors, making a kind of channel. This became very apparent when, while dossing around in the dorms, we heard a passing scream of "SHHHHhhiiiiiiiiiiitttttt" complete with doppler efect as the smelliest kid in school ran past the doorway. Naturally we all looked out of the door to see what was going on. We looked left to see the smelly kid disappearing out the exit and we looked right in time to see the mother of all turds lolloping around on the rim of the toilet as it overflowed. (Turns out the toilet was blocked and said smelly kid was also thick as the shit he had laid and flushed it repeatedly). So this gargantuan turd flops over the side of the toilet and begins to ride a wave of sewer water along the entire length of the corridor, stopping only when it splashed into the far wall.

Additional amusement was gained from watching the poor hotel staff that had to clean up the shit and piss-water.
( Damocles wants no part of your debauchery, Sun 4 Sep 2005, 18:34, Reply)

Multi-use pants
I had a shit in a Cardiff nightclub and wiped my arse with my boxer shorts. They were quite nice ones, but I thought I would have trouble explaining the shitty underpants in my back pocket to my then lady-friend on me returning home. I left them on top of the seat, so the next cubicle visitor would have to powder their nose with a shitty pair of pants keeping them company.

Another amusing toilet tale: in school this kid managed to coil the longest turd I will ever see around the pan, making it the must see attraction that lunchtime. It stayed there, lurking, for three days. The owner was so pleased with it he went bragging around the playground, and deservedly so. It was one hell of a shit.
(Fatty Thornton, Sun 4 Sep 2005, 18:13, Reply)