Family Wedding
I'd just started going out with a very nice young lady whose brother was imminently due to get married. Sure enough, I was duly invited to the wedding. Very nice, very posh (he's a city boy), wonderful time had by all.

Until.

They had arranged for some samba dancers to hold a group samba lesson immediately prior to the reception. It's fair to say I wasn't very good. As I left the floor in ignominy and left new g/f to it, who should I see but a good friend of mine, coincidentally arriving for the evening do as a guest of new g/f's mate. A-ha! An alternative to making a fool of myself, I thought, and the two of us retreated to the bar.

Then I woke up in the bath, partially clothed, it was daylight, and my mouth tasted like there was a frenchman living in it. I had absolutely no idea how I'd got there, or what had happened. New g/f wasn't best pleased with me, to put it mildly, and after some delicate negotiation she filled me in on the details.

I'd got absolutely wankered on guinness, started loudly pontificating about "fucking tory cunts" to g/f's Daily Mail-reading dad, thrown a full pint glass across the bar in full view of everyone and flatly denied I'd done it, gone back to the dancefloor to confront the g/f's mother and angrily insist that she should be "reaching for the lasers", then thankfully been dragged off and up to my bed by a crowd of concerned guests. All by about 8.30 pm.

At about 9pm I reappeared in the room with my cock hanging out of my trousers on the grounds that the grandmothers and other assorted elderly relatives would "love it".

BTW the new g/f is now my wife.
(Ali Bongo 9000 Ali Bongo 9000, Thu 14 Jul 2005, 18:48, Reply)

Oh God....weddings.
My sister's wedding always sticks out in my mind. I was about 17 and it was held in Cyprus. Me and my Mum had flown in about 24hours before. Now, my Mum HATES flying. Really hates it. So, the doctor prescribed her a tranquiliser to take before the flight (a good idea, as we were on a real fecking crate which had to make an emergency landing at Manchester on the return leg after a wheel fell off...I kid you not.) Anyway, I digress. The problem is that my Mum is not too good on prescription barbiturates, and as she was a bit worried she also ahad a couple of glasses of wine beforehand in order to steady her nerves. The tranquilizer kicked in at our hotel, where she collapsed for about 20 hours straight. I woke her up about 1 hour before the wedding. Now, we were going to pick up my sister in the hire care and drive her to the wedding, apart from the fact Mum was still occupying a different set of dimesnions and was in no state to start driving in a foreign country. So, who had to drive? Yep, me with my fresh provisional licence in a foreign country with unrecognisable road signs and mad chavs on scooters (just like home, really).

Got to the registry office. The wedding goes without a hitch and everyone is happy. That evening, we all go out for a nice meze. Halfway through, I start feeling violently sick, dizzy etc...thought I was going to die. Turns out I had a bad case of heatstroke. Spent that night and the following three days collapsed in a hotel room whilst remaining sadly sober and intermittently vomiting whilst the rest of the family lived it up.

I HATE Cyprus.

Apologies for length. Well I wish I could say I cared...
( Undercovercarrot got done for gross misconduct on..., Thu 14 Jul 2005, 18:41, Reply)

Stuck in the reception.
At my aunt and uncle's wedding, the reception was held in their flat.

The door to the living room had a dodgy handle and one was always told not to slam the door in case the handle fell off, rendering the door unopenable.

It dropped off, trapping the revellers and being six years of age and of a suitable small stature, I was asked to climb through the hatch leading to the kitchen, to open the door from the other side.

Landing in the large bowl of cheap dog food on the other side, I was not best pleased (standing in shit would have stunk less). Trying to get it from their alsatian was a bit trickier as it had decided to gnaw on the cheap plastic handle.

Figuring that it would drop it if I opened the front door, I did so and the mutt bolted for it with the handle in its mouth. Down eight floors I had to chase the bastard before it lost interest in the handle.
(Green-Alsatian, Thu 14 Jul 2005, 18:33, Reply)

My own wedding
Apologies for the length of this before we start.

Weddings seem to be a cause of many disasters/funny stories in my family, but let’s start with the story of my wedding.

Things got off to what can best be described as a shaky start, my wife to be and I decided that we would have a small affair, immediate family and close friends only. This was fine until the brides mother wades in and attempts to expand the fair to monstrous proportions inviting anyone who had the slightest connection to us along (not quite but almost up to the level of cousins mates window cleaner. I jest not!) To support this wholesale trampling of our hopes for our special day she treats me to one of the most fractured pieces of logic I have ever encountered, and I quote "the wedding day is for the mother of the bride not the bride." WTF!

Having managed to stave off the worst of her plans things proceed. Eventually the big day comes and we dutifully decamp to York registry office for the ceremony and then a hotel for reception etc. All goes well at this point and I eventually relax and start to enjoy the day.

During the evening do a couple of ropey tarts for want of a better phrase are spotted wondering around availing themselves of unattended drinks and randomly harassing guess. Initial enquiries suggest they know the DJ, cheeky bleeder thinks I, what's he think he’s doing bringing these slappers along. However after speaking to the DJ and confronting the women concerned it turned out that they were in fact local prostitutes. Ahh lovely. Both hilarious and a little unsettling watching my dad and a few of the larger guests trying to get these women out and into a waiting police car to spend the evening at her majesty’s pleasure, without alerting the other guests (succeeded as well)

So after this I think all has gone well and I am looking forward to married life..... Two months later I realise that I have in fact married a complete mentalist and walk out. Fortunately her Mum and Dad were the ones who had spunked thousands of pounds on the big day!

Still you've gotta laugh.
( Rhubarb_Triangle, Thu 14 Jul 2005, 18:27, Reply)

Nothing terrible, but
at my father's weddinig to his second wife (who just happens to be possibly one of the best stepmoms you can get -- she's awesome), the service was held outside. it was nice, as it was at Mount Hood in Oregon at Timberline lodge, and it was done outdoors with the mountain in the background. Anyways, there was this arch kind of thing like you would put in a garden or something, and it was right behind the pastor. My stepmom had decided it HAD to be there, so there was no arguing. Except for the fact that it was to have a HEAVY AS FUCK stone cross and numerous other decorations on top of it. And, being constructed out of cheap metal, the arch had to be wired down in about a million different places, and the wind kept making it almost smash in to the back of the pastor's head. Luckily, that was the worst of the cockups, and even my Best Man speech went quite well (i winged it).
(Meta4, Thu 14 Jul 2005, 18:24, Reply)

weddings
My aunty got remarried in the mid 80's and I managed to get pissed and almost get off with the grooms 16 year old niece (I was 15/16 too!). The rest of my cousins remarked the wedding was getting like Dallas! "Welcome to the family, now can I get my hands on your tits?"

Sitting in the Church waiting for the bride, a friend of Mrs from Fife, to appear. Doors duely open and she walks to the front of the Church, stops next to the groom and one of her elderly aunties says, in a loud clear voice,"Wull, aye, she'll never be short of net curtains!"
The dress was a bit "over designed"

At another Fifers wedding, the service was in an old Nisan hut in some pokey wee town near Kirkaldy (Auchtershuggle? Bumfuck? Shagursister? who knows!)
Anyway, the service went ok, the meal went ok, then came the first waltz, except it wasn't it was something by Guns N Roses. Classy.

[But if you know Fife, wiping your dick on the curtains after sex is the of height sophistication!)

My cousins wedding should have won the prize for "Terrible omen and foreboding" when just after we got back to the hotel, her arsehole husband buggered off to go drinking with his friends somewhere else leaving her to their reception all on her own, and turned up at the end for his wedding night shag. She chucked him out 5 years later.

As a postscript I met him in a supermarket being rude to the staff. I told him to stop being an ignorant cunt or I would hit him, he left his shopping and stromed off. Sorry, Tesco staff who then had to put it all away but I did get rid of him.
( Fire & Forget it's the only way to be sure, Thu 14 Jul 2005, 18:17, Reply)

mums wedding last week
Ok, prepare to give me unrivaled sympathy.

I had to read a POEM. at the ceremony. Now, im not saying that all poetry sucks, thats for another time. But this was a terrrible poem. and far too long.

So i got verrry pissed at the meal. and then much worse at the reception. my mum was so proud!
(acharps, Thu 14 Jul 2005, 17:58, Reply)

Best gran
I was best man at my grandmother's wedding. Which was weird.
(Bids How much is that window in the doggy?, Thu 14 Jul 2005, 17:55, Reply)

Coffee + Wedding Dress = Bad
I used to work as a waitress in a golf/country type club which used to hold weddings. I was told the story of Oliver, who to be honest, was a bit of a twunt and not very popular with other staff members.

Picture the scene: you're enjoying your wedding day, and after a lovely meal you await the staff to bring you tea and coffee. Instead of the coffee going into the cup, the waiter proceeds to spill said coffee all over your clean, new, white wedding dress.

Oliver was promptly sacked after the bride threatend to sue the golf club.
(Argh! Zombies, Thu 14 Jul 2005, 17:51, Reply)

My brothers wedding.
I was best man. And having already let him down by being to drunk to make the evening session of his stag do after drinking a bottle of Southern Comfort on an empty stomach I was determined to win back his respect.

The wedding day went swimmingly and my best man duties won everyone over.

My brother had even had the foresight to invite two of my best mates to the evening do so that I'd have someone to drink with.
This was great until they started fighting. I managed to split them up after one punched the other down a flight of stairs in a comical 'wild west' fashion. And they both calmed down abit. Luckily no one at the wedding had seen any of this and only other guests of the hotel and a girl who was knocked off the payphone at the bottom of the stairs were affected. Until........ I was showing leaving guests to their cars outside and I heard the most all mighty smash ever. I turned around to see my mates lying on the car park fighting with a full floor to ceiling window smashed behind them. The bloody idiots had fallen through it whilst fighting.
Luckily the guests I was showing out were the type we'd never see again and I split the lads up and told them to do a runner.

The hotel manager blamed it on kids in the morning. My brother knew though and wasn't impressed. His wife has never spoken to the two mates since either.
( Evil Bastardo, Thu 14 Jul 2005, 17:48, Reply)

Weddings? I'm the expert
Following the Year of Many Weddings (8 in one year is more than any sane person should have to put up with), I have more than a few stories.

Most notable would be the bride and groom who set fire to a church banner while doing some american thing with candles (each had a small candle, lit a big one with both flames, joining together as one, you get the picture).

That wedding also had the mother and father of the groom, the mother and father of the bride, the foster mother and father of the bride, the grans of the bride, the grans of the groom...it took 20 mins to get everyone down the aisle.

Can I include the camping hen weekend beside Loch Lomond, where we had to call the fire brigade to put out the bbq/fire we'd started ("ooh, the strippers are here!"), and where a bridesmaid woke up from sleepwalking into the loch. Oh, the same bridesmaid (sister of the groom) crashed into the bride's car on the way there too.

And it's true, the bridesmaid always get laid. Best night I've had so far was as a bridesmaid at my best friends wedding.

I doubt I'll get to repeat it at the next wedding I'm a bridesmaid for tho. I'm sharing a room with the bride's sister. Oh, and the best man. Sadly the best man is a woman.

And when my blind gran opens her wedding favour to find a star wars figurine, it's going to take a lot of explaining. (100% serious, they've bought 200 of the things!)

F x
(Flurble - The Innocent One, Thu 14 Jul 2005, 17:41, Reply)

I conduct lots of weddings
Most of the time they are lovely occasions, and the bride and groom are really happy.
Dull, but true...
( nhojjohn, Thu 14 Jul 2005, 17:40, Reply)

One of my bestest friend's wedding....
I gave myself 5 hours to drive from London to Bournemouth one hot August Saturday.

But of course every bugger in London had decided to get out of town that morning. Cue traffic jams galore.

So my car overheats twice before I've even left London. I feed it three litres of Evian.

Didn't have time to check-in to my hotel and get changed, so I stopped of at a service station on the M27 to put on my suit. Only to discover it had been ruined by the dry cleaners.

Undeterred, I set off on the final stretch of my journey. After several more traffic jams and 'Evian stops', I reach the venue. 50 yards away from the entrance to the venue, a farmer appears in the middle of the road with his hand in the air. I screech to halt, and see him let about 500 cows cross the road very slowly.

I missed the ceremony but got there in time for the photos, so it looked like I'd been there all along. Except in my ruined suit, I also looked like I'd been sat on by a hairy white cat.

And needless to say, my friend wasn't too impressed when I shook hands with her new husband (who I'd never met before) and left greasy black car stains on his hand.

Got suitably wankered afterwards though, which was nice.
(meat katie rocked the other nite and also on, Thu 14 Jul 2005, 17:17, Reply)

Was invited to my dads wedding to his second wife
who was dead nice, and had hot daughters, and made me really good curries...anyhoo! You'd think being the guys first born would net us a pretty good seat...how wrong we were...somewhere near the back, with people I'd never even met, watching my oh-so-dear father ignore us for three hours...still, got drunk, and copped off with someone who was now legally my stepsister...

He's officially ignoring us now, and has been for a good 2 years, but the stupid twat left this wife, and got another one...he's leaving a trail of babies behind him...me, my two sisters, and two halfbrothers...he already owes us over £10,000 in CSA arrears...


To put a point to it, my father is a grade-A twat, and weddings seem to accelerate this...
( Mr.Ons knows you can hear him, Earthmen., Thu 14 Jul 2005, 17:14, Reply)

Teeth
Went to my Mums wedding, ended up with my front teeth missing a broken nose and a family feud that lasted 3 years.....being number one son I was soon forgiven.

WARNING.
Brother-in-laws are usally CUNTS.
(cripps-zoid The rabbit buffer, Thu 14 Jul 2005, 17:13, Reply)

Went to a wedding last year...
... the first dance was to that song, "I like big butts.."

Classy...

Oh, and another friend's wedding. The best man was so nervous he kind of buggered up the joke he was telling... It wouldn't have been so bad, but the joke started with "Being a best man, is a bit like being asked to make love to the queen mum"... Bearing in mind she had been dead only a week... Half the room absolutely wet themselves laughing... the other half were absolutely silent.

The bride still isn't talking to him now...
( Beastie is doing science with his arse, Thu 14 Jul 2005, 17:08, Reply)

Just last month...
...so I can't claim I was young and stupid at the time.

Was an usher, decided to have a couple of pints before the wedding as you do, then share two bottles of red wine with a bridesmaid during the reception. After that twas back to the Stella of which eight or nine more pints were consumed. It all went black after that, apparently I seemed to enjoy the rest the evening though I of course wouldn't know that as I was completely twatted.
(MrJelly, Thu 14 Jul 2005, 17:08, Reply)

Happy Ever After?
I split with my ex in October, two weeks after we split my friend invited me to one of her cousins wedding. I didnt know anyone but thought I had nothing better to do.

We arrive at the church and my friend spots one of the usher's "he looks like my ex" she says all coy. I think to myself uh oh she is gonna cop off with him and leave me on my own!

he wasnt nothing special to look at and I didnt give him a second glance.

When it got to the reception this usher and his mate was sitting on me and my mates table. I was pretty quiet as I was around loads of people I didnt know.

Next thing out comes the champagne, and the jack daniels and the wine and the whiskey (all necked straight) we get chatting to the guys and this usher lets just called him Ray tells me he is a builder.

Suddenly I look at him in a different light as you see I have a bit of a fetish for builders boots, oooo a man in jeans and tan coloured builders boots that are slightly scuffed get me thinking things a young women shouldnt be thinking!

I remember that my friend fancies him though and I remain loyal and try and go about setting them up. Did I also mention that I was very very very pissed??? I spend my time dancing with my mates 7 year old nephew and talking to Ray to try and set him up with my friend, everytime I start talking to Ray the 7 year old comes up and says "oi stop talking to him, your my girlfriend come and dance"

In the end I ask him straight out if he fancies her and he says "no but I fancy you" I should of backed off but I just kept picturing him wearing them builders boots!!! So I decide to take him round the corner, we are busy kissing away when all I hear is "Fran why are you kissing that man" I turn around and there is my mates 7 year old nephew nearly in tears cos I am kissing this man.

My mate then walks round and catches me, bursts out in tears and walks off.

I had a 2 hour car journey with her sat next to me crying all the way and me being so pissed I just wanted to be sick!
(Fran, Thu 14 Jul 2005, 17:07, Reply)

I went to a rock wedding...
...The bride and groom's first dance was head banging to Black Sabbath.

Someone requested The Jam for her mod boyfriend. The DJ wouldn't play it.
( beefandcheese, Thu 14 Jul 2005, 17:01, Reply)

.
My entire uni class got were invited to our classmate's wedding reception at a beautiful old castle thing outside Aberdeen. On the coach out a mate and I necked 40 pro-plus each (I know, I KNOW) and nailed a bottle of whisky.

I then proceeded to make an utter tit of myself, culminating in standing on the bride's dress during a bout of energetic dancing, sending her sprawling to the floor in a heap.

It got worse afterwards but I can't bring myself to write it down. *shudder*
(Zapol Unlurked at, Thu 14 Jul 2005, 16:55, Reply)

Mouth organist
I play in a band so have been to more weddings than I've had hot dinners. I also found bits of the film "The Wedding Singer" to be much funnier than everyone else in the cinema. But to my tale:

I was playing in Paisley one night, and this old bloke came up and asked if he could play some tunes on his "gubby" (Paisley word for a mouth organ, more commonly referred to as a moothie in most of Scotland). So off he went, with us backing him. Halfway through a tune he put the fingers of his left hand into his mouth and deftly fished out his false teeth, and put them into his jacket pocket! He never missed a note, I swear.

At that same wedding, a man appeared near the end of the night as if he was waiting to pick someone up. He heard the last 15 minutes or so of the band, and came up at the end and said, "Tell me boys - do yiz do bookings?"

We were somewhat speechless - as if we had just heard there was a wedding on in Paisley and driven 80 miles with all our gear just in case they happened to need a band.

Watch this space. I've plenty more.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Thu 14 Jul 2005, 16:52, Reply)

Humiliate the bridesmaid
When I was a seven-year-old tomboy I was forced into a brown and cream scratchy lace dress (this was the 70s) to be a bridesmaid.

At the wedding disco, the DJ went round with his microphone interviewing guests, including me. I told him I liked disco dancing. Everyone went 'aaaaah'.

When the music started I went up with my cousins and had a good old boogie. By this time I'd changed out of the nasty dress back into my good old flared jeans. But I was struck with a sudden and irresistible itch in the region of my bumhole.

So I stuck my hand down the back of my jeans and gave it a good scratch. The DJ saw, announced it to the packed room, and told everyone to look.

I still bear the mental scars.
( Safetyfox, Thu 14 Jul 2005, 16:45, Reply)

best man at wedding
very nervous, then very pissed.
took my place behind the free bar in the tent - one for you one for me type of thing - then fell over backwards and pulled half the tent down with me.
ace.
( harryfreeze Ignore, Hide, I like this!, Reply, Thu 14 Jul 2005, 16:45, Reply)

Oh aye
Forgot ot mention... My speech was fucking brilliant.

I may put up for people to downlaod.

IT'S THAT GOOD.
(Banky fucking Edwards, Thu 14 Jul 2005, 16:42, Reply)

My way
Firstly, booze. I believe the tipple was Godmother shooters for some reason.
Then, I asked to play the wedding band guitarists guitar quietly, heh, heh.. he went for a tab and I cranked it right up. Cue the rock-gurn, drunken crap finger picking of the lovely Les Paul (wish I had one).
At that point, the utterly battered Groom joined me, singing My Way (Sex Pistols version), and kicking the mic stand down onto the gaping guests on the dancefloor.
Result! I barely knew the guy..
1 crying 6-year old bridesmaid
1 dad dragging groom off stage
1 me, disillusioned. Best gig I ever played. err... 'Best', read 'Only'
(Double Pie but Triple Mash, Thu 14 Jul 2005, 16:41, Reply)

Last one from me today
I attended a fantastic registry office wedding in Yorkshire once where the bride and groom had chosen to get married to the Imperial March from Star Wars.

All very geeky and dramatic.

Unfortunately, it's quite short, and the tape kept running, so they actually conducted most of the service to the Cantina Music from Star Wars...
( chthonic, Thu 14 Jul 2005, 16:34, Reply)

80's horror movie
For our wedding night, I had booked a room in a 100 year old bed and breakfast out in the country. Shortly before the ceremony, the manager called me and said they'd had a family emergency and nobody would be there when we arrived. She gave me the pass codes for the front door, and the pass code for our room. We'd also be the only guests staying that night.

June 11, the wedding day, Tropical Storm Arlene made landfall on the Gulf Shore, sending us over five inches of rain and gusty winds. The room was nice, except for the tree branch hitting the window.

So there we were, on our wedding night, all alone in a 100 year old house, in the country, in a hurricane with something tapping on the window. All we needed was the demented murderer in the closet and the night would have been complete.

And yes, I do know that rain on your wedding day is supposed to bring a good sex life. But only 5.5 inches? It's seven for sure!
( setimret likes his metaphors mixed, not stirred, Thu 14 Jul 2005, 16:32, Reply)

Went to my brothers wedding recently.
I was only two days out of hospital, after having a shitload of metalwork taken out of my gammy leg.
If that wasn't bad enough, I had an abcess in my left side of my jaw, making me look not unlike John Merrick, and I generally felt like shit.

I struggle through the day, trying hard not to pass out from the pain of my leg and my face, and sweating like a sex offender at a womans shelter.

I think I've just about made it through the ceremony, and was just about to make my excuses and head back to the comfort of painkilling drugs and a nice warm duvet, when we get called outside for photos...

I managed to get to my feet and head outside, where there was a liberal covering of snow everywhere (did I mention, I'm on crutches, can't walk without them, and just love snow and ice..)

I just avoid a large ice patch, only to put my left crutch (the one I rely on most for support) onto a previously unnoticed patch of moss.

Cue one 16st, sweating, facially malformed cripple doing a shit 'Bambie On Ice' impression infront of the entire wedding party.

If the embarresment wasn't bad enough, I fucked my leg up again and had to spend the next two weeks in hospital with bone chips under my kneecap, and septicaemia....


I hate fucking weddings.
(chriswakey, Thu 14 Jul 2005, 16:32, Reply)

Last weekend
I was Best Man at my mates Wedding.

It was all over the show... He's from Manchester, marrying a girl from Swansea who he met down south... He got married in full highland regalia, and we had roast beef n yorkshire pudding as the main meal... I was waiting for the greek plate smashing to start any time after 9. It didn't, sadly.

Anyway, we're walking up to the church with many shouts of "Freedom!" and as we near the hallowed place I ask, jokingly, "You got the rings mate? I think I should have em now..." He stops... "Oh shit. I knew I forgot summat..." I laugh. He turns ashen. Legs it back to his gaff some mile and a half away to get the rings.

He bought us both a replica claymore sword. We got drunk, had a sword fight and he broke my index finger. Thank fuck they weren't sharp replicas, eh?

What else... erm... I got off with a 17yr old bird who loved my Manc accent. Go figure. Our kid.
(Banky fucking Edwards, Thu 14 Jul 2005, 16:31, Reply)

Damn I was cool...
I went to a cousins' wedding when I was about 18 and at the reception, being the Disco King that I was, I did a wonderful demonstration of 'Robot' dancing to Earth Wind & Fire's "Boogie Wonderland". Everyone stood there just watching me.

It must have been good as my cousins still remind me about it over 20 years later.
The bastards.
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Thu 14 Jul 2005, 16:29, Reply)