Nosebleeds!
Always werked for me - type of thing that can be a sympton of numerous other life threatening ailments, so people tend not to ask too many questions - can be easily shrugged off as nothing if need be.

Also thought I had measles so got 2 weeks off from a job I had handed in my notice to anyway. Woke up one monday covered in red spots and decided to go to the doctors - turns out my 'usual' guy wasn't there and it was some Indian guy whose English wasn't the best and who seemed to have a chronic fear of red spots. Immediately diagnosed measles and wrote me a 2 week sick note whilst practically cowering in the corner. I was pretty sure I'd had them already but assumed he knew what he was talking about so I headed down to the shops to stock up on provisions in preparation for locking myself away from pregnant women. Met into a mate and the first thing he said was "These fucking hives are killing me!". Turns out that the Mushroom Chocolate we'd imported from Amsterdam had caused the same reaction amongst all my friends that had partaken on Saturday nite. Cleared up by the next day. Woo!
(PsiPhi, Fri 9 Jun 2006, 16:45, Reply)

Wascally Weasel and Captain Wow
The phrase 'hoisted by your own petard' actually comes from a medevil bell shaped device filled with gunpowder later redisgned as a wooden box. It was carried by some unfortunate people to the walls or gates of enemy fortifications where it would be detonated. The people carrying it had to leg it or sometimes be blown up (because no one checked the fuse length) hence 'hoisted by your own petard'. Hoisted by your own retard is something completely different and experienced by care workers.

oh and i pulled a sickie once in school when i had just had some blood taken i managed to convince my mum i was feeling faint so couldnt goto school. even though i'd only had about 10ml of blood taken.
(Absynth&Cheese Have you tasted my Jesus, Fri 9 Jun 2006, 16:41, Reply)

Oh yeah
I knew someone else who had a day off school once for having a wobbly tooth
(Pigmash, Fri 9 Jun 2006, 16:24, Reply)

Captain Wow
A Petard is a an early type of cannon. The phrase "Hoist with your own Petard" (phrase comes from Hamlet I vaugely remember) means to be blown up by your own cannon, not that uncommon an occurance with the early days of gunpowder and the difficulty of making cannons with the metallurgy of the time.

I have never pulled a sickie (just in case my manager is reading).

EDIT: Oh, I'm wrong. Curse that english teacher...
(Wascally Weasel now with 100% fewer jokes., Fri 9 Jun 2006, 16:09, Reply)

Hull please
Once claimed "family issues" which I then refused to talk about (rumours abounded that my parents were dead/dying) in order to get a week off work so that I could do a higher payed/easier job that was going for a week.

It all went to plan until they asked my girlfriend (who worked in the same building) what had happened and not being in on the plan (but knowing nothing was wrong) panicked and said that my parents were both mortally ill.

I never went back to that job in the end so I never had to face the sympathy etc
( WormuIus, Fri 9 Jun 2006, 16:03, Reply)

New Job
Just started a new job as a waitress after months of sitting on my arse and my feet couldn't cope with the pressure and i was in extreme pain. It was quiet one night and my (male) supervisor had me folding napkins. So i decide i want to go home and catch the end of CSI and so i begin to "cry with the pain from my feet". Supervisor can't deal with crying girl and sends me home.

Moral: male bosses can never deal with crying teenagers.
(kitnel it's probaby infectious, Fri 9 Jun 2006, 15:58, Reply)

not work but school
i took about 6 months off school by simply pretending to be unwakable (until my mum had left for work)

had to go for ocassional blood test and that was it; neighbours twice a day for half a year. wOO
(globalloon, Fri 9 Jun 2006, 15:50, Reply)

theatricality
I used to work in KFC. For three years. Which is about three years too many.

Came into work after a long weekend and really wasn't up to the boiling grease and stench of fried chicken. I dropped something into a fryer which splashed a little oil onto my cheek, which was plenty hot enough to make me yelp. I went to the loo to wash it off.

My cheek was a little red, but that wouldn't do. So I collected salt and pepper (mm, colonel's secret recipe) from the hem of my trousers, and rubbed it into my eye. Then washed it with hot, then cold, then hot water again until my eye swelled up nastily and started to tear.

Got two days off, it looked so bad.
(broin, Fri 9 Jun 2006, 15:47, Reply)

I once skived off work cos I needed the toilet
I get performance anxiety in those cubicles.
( Pachey, Fri 9 Jun 2006, 15:40, Reply)

Hoisted by my own petard. Whatever one of those is. Isn't it a flag or something? Oh a cannon. Well there we go then. Hoisted by my cannon. FINE- hoisted by my boxy bell thing.
Well, anyway:

Made up having irritable bowel syndrome at my last job due to my manager being an evil ho-beast (she deserved the childhood polio, the cow) and just sheer laziness really. Being made to feel like a delinquent because I have red hair etc wasn't really the most fun thing in the world either but anyhoo....

Here I am in my lovely new job which I love and adore and I have... yes, you've guessed it- IBS. Bastard bad IBS, for which I take 3 anti-spasmodic pills a day (they're called mebeverine if you're interested) and occasionally can't come in to work as I'm chained invisibly to the throne. It's also bad because I used to really enjoy going for a poo, and now it tends to be more traumatic than relaxing.

EDIT: forgot the worst bit about it: the farting. It always comes on full and weighty midday time, and trying to deflate at work in a crowded office without being caught is the most difficult thing in the world.

[insert length/width thing here]
( Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Fri 9 Jun 2006, 15:27, Reply)

suprised i was sick
Was drinking in the pub with my mates before my shift at work and the whole time they were trying to persuade me to take a sickie so i could watch the football with them.

I said i would think about it to shut them up knowing im a pussy and would go in. While i went to the loo they called my boss and said i couldnt make it in as i had a cold because they were sure i would agree to them.

Finally i leave and head to work, as i get there im greeted with a 'i thought you were ill i managed to get a replacement for you'.

Smelling my breath she asked if i had been drinking, the first thing i thought to say was 'its probably the cough medicine you can smell' and got away with it too.

So with every time im asked to skive i feel i had better do it just in case.
(hairymonkey, Fri 9 Jun 2006, 15:19, Reply)

Traditional attempt to avoid being drunk at work left me in a world of pain...
So i get drunk one evening and try too hard to drink my own body weight in whiskey, next morning I feel terrible and so phone in with the scuse that I have a cold/flu type thing, "OK, let me know every day how you are doing."
So I sit down on the sofa to feel ill for a couple of days and as luck would have it, the next day I wake up with swollen throat, dribbling nose and deaf in both ears... full on head cold. So i think i've got my just deserts and go to the quacks, he gives a sign off for a week back dated to when i said i started being ill...

The day before i am due to go back i am once again sat on the sofa and i hear the front door bell go. I jump up all keen and put my back out so that i am unable to straighten up.

Double whammy and all that... another sign off for two more weeks of bed rest and lying in strange positions to recover. Only to go back to the cuntiest boss on earth who then proceeded to treat me so badly i was forced to waffle on for days bout being made to be even more ill and nearly being sectioned for depression etc... eee-nuf-sed.

Eventually was off work for 9 months before getting a new job here. Stress can be a terrible thing...
(dkintheuk, Fri 9 Jun 2006, 15:17, Reply)

some years ago i got an ear infection which resulted in acute tinitus and a touch of vertigo
it just so happens that my boss also suffers from tinitus and vertigo and knows how bad it can be...well, mine kinda sorted itself out about 18months ago...i just forgot to tell them.

now if i ever fancy a day off i just phone in and say "i've had an attack of vertigo brought on by the pressure change in the weather (no joke!), and i can't drive as my balance is all off"...bargain! 1 free day off :D
( MrHaze likes to poo, Fri 9 Jun 2006, 14:58, Reply)

Actually going to work, but then getting some sleep....
I used to work in a big office, and was getting trained to use Oracle at the time. Whilst not at work I was also doing copious amounts of whizz and generally party-heartying it up, and got to feeling a bit tired at my desk. So when I had one of those moments when you just need 10 minutes shut-eye to get you through the day, I developed a couple of techniques...

Pretend to be studying Oracle manuals intently, put the book on the desk and rest your head in your hands with your elbows also on the desk, making sure your hands obscure your eyes. You can then shut your eyes and watch the pretty patterns on your eyelids. Only drawback with this is when you actually fall asleep, and are rudely awoken by your head hitting the desk, you look like a bit of a cunt.

The other one is to mention "ooh, bit of a hot curry last night lads, bad guts" and slope off to the bog. Once there, get a load of bog roll and scrunch it up into a ball, then sit on the bog and rest your head on your lovely, comfy bog-roll pillow against the cubucle wall. Then you can have a nice little kip undisturbed...

Once doing this I fell asleep on the loo for about an hour and a half, and on my return no-one actually seemed to notice or even give a rusty fuck, so I used the technique repeatedly to pop off to the shops or have a few games down the arcade...
(I ate the pies, Fri 9 Jun 2006, 14:53, Reply)

I used to work for an investment company
in a call center, it was the most soul destroying job i've ever undertaken. After a week or so of having people scream at me for falls in the value of their investents due to a market drop, i'd had enough!
I rang up one morning and spoke to my team leader, who was nothing if not gullible. I lay on my back on my bed with my head hanging over the side so that i had difficulty talking and told him I was ill and wouldn't be able to make it in.
He said it was probably for the best, because I sounded so ill. While the rest of the department continued to get an ear bashing, I kicked back and chilled with a load of mates. I kept it up for a week and then mysteriously got better just before I would have had to get a sick note.
(Pigpen was 'ere on, Fri 9 Jun 2006, 14:49, Reply)

I told you I was sick
I will never forget the time many years ago when I worked in a well known women's retail chain with a crazy mad nasty bitch for a boss. She absolutely refused to let people have time off sick - I tried to call in sick once and said that if I didn't come in then I wouldn't have a job to come back to! I was only a wee nipper, there's no way on earth I'd put up with that kind of crap now.

Anyway, one memorable day, one of my work colleagues (I shall call her Mona) approached the boss and asked if she could go home because she had an upset stomach. The answer was no. Now, looking back on this with the wisdom maturity brings, I don't know why Mona didn't just leave anyway. She was middle aged, married and a mother, and really should have stood up to the old cow. But instead she stumbled back to her spot on the work floor and suffered in silence. Until she had a bad attack of the runs and had an accident, on the shop floor, in front of everyone. Did the boss let her go home then? Did she hell. "Get yourself some new tights and knickers from the stand and get yourself cleaned up, we're busy." Absolutely unbelieveable.....
(Mad McMad, Fri 9 Jun 2006, 14:41, Reply)

When I was in year 7
I hated geography. The teacher scared me a bit and the subject bored me. I was also quite a good-natured little boy, fearful of punishment, and a lazy child, fearful of work. So when we had this big assignment thing (which in hindsight probably only seemed big because I was 11) I didn't do it. Then I got scared of detention. The fact that we would get a "red card" to say we had detention didn't really help, a bright red A5 peice of paper that means bad stuff's happening is quite daunting when you're young. So I missed the next lesson. And the next one. And the next one. Each time I had to say I was sick, either at the start of the day or just after lunch. I must have missed every Tuesday afternoon for about 3 months, and half the full days too. My mum and the teachers got well suspicious. I could see that they were suspicious, and I think they knew that I knew they knew. But for some reason nothing ever came of it. To be honest the teacher probably forgot about it after 3 weeks or something anyway, but it was still good to go home and not do any work.
( Styxx hates when people talk in the third person, Fri 9 Jun 2006, 14:38, Reply)

Lazarus.
I worked with a girl who had to take time to visit her father as he was very upset over her grandmothers death.

She used the same excuse twice in three years and got away with it.
(DrTugnut, Fri 9 Jun 2006, 14:27, Reply)

Not exactly a sickie, but...
A few years back I went out for an xmas drink with my staff, and managed to get quite unproffessionally drunk prior to copping off with one of the xmas temps. My crew got to see the whole unedifying sight of their boss slobbering over a wee lass ten years his junior before staggering off home with her.

Next day we're both in a rather unexuberant mood, and wee Claire decides we should take the day off. She figures that if I'm 'sick' she can get away with it. So She calls in, and speaks to my assistant manager. (A rather serious young lady.) I only heard one end of the conversation, but the gist seemed to be that I wasn't coming in because she'd handcuffed me to her bed and lost the keys. Obviously she'd have to stay with me in case anything 'happened'.

We had a fine day off, with much horizontal action, but going back to work the next day was pure hell. After a day, Claire clearly decides she's had enough of being called 'the domme' so I have to organise a sideways move for her to another site, leaving me to face the flak alone. Spent a few weeks being called 'Handcuff manager' after that.
(Mr Steve is jobless and fancyfree!, Fri 9 Jun 2006, 14:24, Reply)

timing
my work was a bit of a drudge - data entry drone and the like. my boss was sound however, and when id call saying 'i have the shits' she was always understanding that the job was fcukawful tedious.

after i had made the call one morning, i dredged myself from bed to source some cereal. i found my four other housemates already making tea and toast in the kitchen.

we had all made the call independently - and to celebrate this good fortune we had a great day drinking absinthe and smoking copius amounts of skunk.
(magictorch, Fri 9 Jun 2006, 14:18, Reply)

"George": The token morbidly overweight kid.
Back in my highschool days, there lived this kid called George. Now, George smelt. That's right- he stunk of shit. He was round, thick, ugly and had clearly soiled himself each and every day, although he didn't have the excuse of being a 'plegic or what-not. I possibly would have felt sorry for him: "but he probably has an awful home life", I may have thought, but unfortunately the stench and the puddle of sweat he'd leave on the seat every lesson, frankly blocked (like his arteries) any kind, empathetic thoughts towards the matter.

AAAAANYWAY, obviously little ol' George was continuously bullied (not by me- honestly!), and would stay off school quite often. Originally it'd be every few days, then every other day, until finally he just didn't come in. Ever. Although he was still on the register, his chubby little face was one I would very rarely see. His friend, however, who incidentally was probably about an eighth of his body weight, would say every single day, without fail, "He's at the dentist's."

Next day: "He's at the dentist's".

And the day after that: He's at the dentist's."

After a few weeks of this, my teacher finally admitted, "Christ, he must have fucking great teeth."

Legend.

By the way, although this sounds really cruel, I had no part in this. Honestly.
( Naive Amoeba Bored Cig, Fri 9 Jun 2006, 14:10, Reply)

Honesty the best policiy
Went to a party a few years ago that ended up in a pill induced 17 hour slumber in a room full of people. Come the morning and my friend decides he won't be going to work so he phones his boss at 8:00 and brazenly announces: "I aint coming to work today coa I'm on the piss. Say hello to my boss everyone" at which a room full of people carouse 'hello' and he hangs up. Didn't get the sack because his boss just found it funny and admired his honesty.
(TrackerSmack, Fri 9 Jun 2006, 14:10, Reply)

I called in sick from inside a festival portaloo!
Last year I managed to score some tickets to go to the Glade festival about 2 days before it was due to start. Rather then risk having my holiday request rejected due to short notice I decided to call in sick for 2 days and go down on the Thursday. This was all well and good, I told my boss I had flu or something and set off for the festival.

The real trouble started on Monday, I was still at the festival, still fucked on acid from the night before, trying to figure out how the hell I was going to deal with calling in sick again! I discovered that about the only place quiet enough to make a call (there was hundreds of people leaving at this point and all equipment was being dismantled) was a horrible festival portaloo, I made the call, garbled something about still feeling ill then disaster, my boss started asked me all these questions about a bit of work I did, I had to think fast so I did my worst impression of a dodgy signal (like the fast food scene in Waynes World), hung up and turned off my phone!

Next day I turned up to work with the best festival suntan ever, still wearing my wrist band that had “Glade Festival, 15th, 16th, 17th of July. OPEN AIR BELTER” written on it looking completely sketchy!

Nobody mentioned a thing.

Get the fuck in!
(Minty Hit, Fri 9 Jun 2006, 14:05, Reply)

sick sickie
Pulling a sickie from school, I decided to add a dramatic flourish which would surely confirm my gippy tummy, by making some realistic sick in a bucket. Cue an early-morning raid on the fridge and various kitchen cupboards. Result: a rather (as I thought it) splendid-looking mess of fake vom in Mum's bucket. When she came in to see why I was still in bed, she took one look in the proferred bucket, gave me a steely stare and said 'Get up, go to school and we'll say no more about it.' The shame - but for years I couldn't understand how she had known, as it looked ultra-realistic. Eventually I asked her. The answer? The raw rice grains in the mix. Tits. Oh - another scam was holding the thermometer against the bedside light bulb. Got caught with that one when it registered such a high temperature that I should have been dead.
(fuddiphat, Fri 9 Jun 2006, 14:04, Reply)

School was always best
One kid in my form was off for 2 days, on his return without a sick note, he informed the form teacher that he had been sick "with masturbation
No idea what he thought he meant, since he looked a bit blank at the whole class laughing at him... Kept me going for days that one.
(LunarJim, Fri 9 Jun 2006, 14:03, Reply)

School Days
A mate of mine works in a school and is constantly amazed at the absolutely crap excuses that the students manage to come up with when they are late or miss a day completely. In the list are:

1) I'm late because my Mum told me I had to have a shower. (ewwww - this was a fifteen year old boy! - do people not shower anymore?)

2)My Mum's car broke down and I had no way of getting to school. (this from a kid who lived 1mins walk away)

and last but certainly not least:

3)My cat was sitting in the middle of the path and I couldn't get out of my front garden (attack of the killer cats perhaps?.)
Personally i'd stick to the tried and tested dodgy tummy excuse.
(la la la la, Fri 9 Jun 2006, 13:51, Reply)

Faint
Many years ago I worked for a printing company and had to process all the film and proofs in the darkroom.
The darkroom had no ventilation and had an ammonia bath to process certain types of film.
At the height of a boiling summer this was unbearable.

I'd asked the boss repeatedly for air conditioning and was constantly refused.

So cocked off was I with this that one lunchtime, fuelled with revenge, I locked myself in the darkroom (standard procedure to ensure that film wasn't ever ruined).
Then I proceeded to open some really expensive (A2) sheets of film, put a great crack in the camera glass and then knocked all of the trays of fixer and developer fluid off their shelves. I then turned the ammonia machine on and left it running and lay down on the floor to await rescue.

20 mins later other members of staff were kicking down the door to find me convincingly passed out from the ammonia fumes.

Got two weeks off and a pay rise to stop me contacting Health and Safety.

On my return, the darkroom was nicely ventialted but by then I'd got another job.
haha.
(Sir Magaski, Fri 9 Jun 2006, 13:49, Reply)

No point in risking it
I injured my back last Feburary (it was one of those scare the sh*t out of you feelings when I couldn't move around after it happened). After a night of tests in hospital the doctor signed me off for 2 weeks, saying it was nothing more than a really bad muscle tear. I was pretty much laid up for most of my line.

Another line for 2 weeks followed, giving me a chance to get back on my feet, get out and about and generally chill out. I was feeling fit enough to go back to work, but why let that get in the way of another sick line.

I done the old dodgy walk routine in the Doc's surgery expecting another week off. However he though another 2 weeks was wiser... just to be sure. "There's no point in risking it" were his exact words.

So what did I spend my next two weeks doing? Snowboarding up north and genreally throwing myself down mountains while being paid for the privellage. At least I knew my back had recovered after all that.

Risk it?, of course. Worth it, absolutely! Length?, 6 weeks free holiday
(StevieMcK, Fri 9 Jun 2006, 13:47, Reply)

sickies...
I have a friend who wanted time off from work, which they refused to give him.
He phoned in sick from Tenerife...

I get migranes every so often, which result in most of the day in bed being sick and with a horrible headache. I had got one early one morning, so my mum being the nice person she is, phone up work for me telling them I was ill and wouldn't be in, but didn't tell me as I was asleep and was out when I got up. Thing being that I woke up feeling a bit better just in time to go to work... Found out I had the day off sick when I got there, d'oh
My Boss is rather cool and used to get them herself though and knows they can be rather nasty, so the days I have gotten them at work (they start very suddenly) has been very understanding and just let me head off home to bed, which would be a perfect sickie excuse, just I don't want to tempt luck by using it when I am feeling fine (and my job isn't too bad anyway)

David
(442, Fri 9 Jun 2006, 13:44, Reply)

notmebut
A good friend who partied hard and often used to quite frequently miss work. His job was on rather unstable ground until he came up with the excuse that his dad had alzheimers and he was the only one able to look after him.

Having told them this, a lightbulb lit in his brain and he followed it up with "and to be honest, that's why I've been off so much recently", thereby allowing his bosses sympathy to spread to his past sickies.

And then lightbulb #2 lit up, and he said "and also, I'm afraid, this means that I'll probably continue to take quite a few sick days in the near future, you know, for as long as he's got left..."

Fucking genius.
( wangmaster2000, Fri 9 Jun 2006, 13:44, Reply)