Urine.
My dad never locks the toilet door. I go in one day and he's there doing a pee. I say, "Oh, you're in". And he replies, "Yes, urine!" Now he says it any time he comes into the toilet when I'm there.

Also, if he looks at you, and you ask him, "what are you looking at?", he will invariably reply, "I don't know, the label's fallen off."

Every time he comes into the kitchen when I'm making a sandwich or whatever, he always says "good to yourself, aren't you?". No need!
(s. shoe, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 17:48, Reply)

Two classics
Me: I'm thirsty.
Dad: Hi there, I'm Friday!

and

Me: I'm hungry.
Dad: I'm Germany, pleased to meet you.

He's for the home in a few years.

Also he insists on calling my boyfriend "Don from Dancaster." He honestly thinks he's the funniest person in the house.
(Sus_K, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 17:42, Reply)

My friends dad on explaining how she was named:
We couldn't name her Ugly, so we just named her "Leigh".
( Bitchy Teresa is bitchy, duh., Wed 10 Dec 2003, 17:38, Reply)

Dad's Foot in Mouth Talent.
Was walking along my high street with my Dad when he spotted a business client of his - accompanied by his stony-faced wife.

DAD: Hello Roger, how are you?

ROGER: I'm fine thanks.

DAD: (To wife) What's up with you? Why the long face? He's not been smacking you around again has he?

WIFE: I've just had a tumour removed.

DAD: Oh.

Classic Dad moment.

My Grandma and Mother also innocently duetted on a rendition of 'Ching Chong Chinaman' in a lovely Thai restaurant just as the waiters brought us our main course.

The open-mouthed horror of my girlfriend, brother and sister, and their partners was met with a blank "What? Is that not allowed?" from Grandma.

Sometimes I don't know whether to laugh, cry, explain the error of their ways, or just hire Bernard Manning to replace me.
(microsaulxp, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 17:33, Reply)

When I was seven
he used to say "pull my finger" and upon doing so he would slap me round the face.
(VinylSqueakyDogtoy, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 17:33, Reply)

dad joke #7378476235294
mater: 'anything on the telly dear?'

pater: 'only some dust you missed'

que slap and toast for tea.

also calling mange tout 'mangy trouts' every time.
(speedymarks, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 17:32, Reply)

In retrospect, my Dad's pretty bad
But there are a lot worse.
I go around to my mates house to watch footie quite often.
And when ever Djemba-Djemba comes one - he always says "So good - they named him twice."
It pisses me off, especially since his name is Grant Gary Garbett - which is much worse.
I want to hit him, but he's taller than me.
(Gimpus Maximus, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 17:31, Reply)

Sunday roasts
Apart from always refering to gravy as gravity ("Pass the gravity please" etc.), my Grandfather (who is after all my mother's father) always came up with the classic line to stop us resting our elbows on the dinner table,
"All joints on the table will be carved".
( ZoomZoom, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 17:26, Reply)

Seeing venison on the menu...
"That's rather dear"

After several years of hearing crap jokes, you eventually build up such indefatigable contempt that even if they do say something funny you find it necessary to silently hate them for it and send them a look that says, "Too little too late, I'll never find you funny now."

Parents, just gotta love 'em.
(twilop, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 17:25, Reply)

my dad makes the worst jokes ever
seriously - he works in marketing and does seminars and shit - so to liven them up - he came up with this little gem.

"Right, before we start our discussion on intranet management, I read about a new film which is going to come out next year. Its all about famous composers, and quite a few actors have expressed an interest. Van Dam has said he wants to play Mozart. Cruise has been tipped for the role of Beethoven. And Schwarzenegger said "I'll be Bach."

My Dad Sucks
(Gimpus Maximus, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 17:25, Reply)

The pain of it all
"Why do anarchists drink herbal tea? Because proper-tea is theft!"

Also, whenever we've just eaten a big meal he says "a nice little starter, now where's the main course?"
(nN, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 17:23, Reply)

Every time
You ask if dinner is ready, my dad replies, "no, it's a sort of brownish colour".
And every time we go on a journey, my mum ALWAYS pretends to have forgotten the tickets.
What a pair of pranksters.
(Rotten_Cointreau is a proper scientician, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 17:15, Reply)

not quite a dad gag but a PE teacher one
When getting ready for PE everyone used to ask 'what are we doing today?'

Expecting hockey,basketball, football etc.

the reply

'getting changed'
(doktored, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 17:11, Reply)

When I was little
my Dad would read up on the spoilers for soaps and then announce whilst the family watched Eastenders or Coronation Street - "I bet so and so will do that!"

Me and my brothers would all look at him in amazement being young and naive as the event happened and ask how he knew and he would always turn around and say "It's a gift I have."

Oh - and I forgot to say that he used to tell us continually that we were all adopted. Ha ha. See how we laughed.

Or ask my friend's mother when he used to come and pick me up from her house if she's like to keep me.
( HickyVicki, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 17:06, Reply)

Give my stepdad a turkey dinner at christmas,
I guarantee he'll say "bloody hell, I've seen sparrows bigger than that"
( SarahRatt, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 17:04, Reply)

My Dad defines Expert thusly:
An Ex is a has been, and a Spurt is a big drip under pressure.
(gavD, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 17:04, Reply)

Just remembered another....
Not only did my dad have the good ole one liners to repeat at every possible occassion, but he had one in particular that was very long winded and in the end some people wouldn't get it.

He'd run into some acquaintance and go into this story about how he nearly had to spend an entire night at the police station. About how he witnessed some woman defacing a van with a naked woman painted on the side and the owner came back and they got into a fight. So the woman then snaps the aerial off of the van and starts beating the guy with it. The police are called, my dad has to go in as he's a witness. He goes on and on adding more and more detail to the story, really gets the other person hooked into it thinking that this has seriously happened. Punchline? Apparently the guy died of van aeriel disease? *groan*

Try keeping the bored look off of your face as you dad pulls this on someone for the billionth time.
(DarkSide, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 16:58, Reply)

The classic
What's the time Dad?

Time you got a watch.


grr
(ChimneySweep IS TWO PEOPLES!, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 16:58, Reply)

yes,
but it made you strong in the end, didn't it?
(LarryB, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 16:51, Reply)

My daddy left home
when I was three
And he didn't leave much to ma and me,
Just this ol' guitar and an empty bottle of booze.
Now, I don't blame him 'cause he run and hid
But the meanest thing that he ever did
Was before he left, he went and named me "Sue."

(Not quite true: he didn't call me Sue and was so good as to wait until I was 13 before he left...)
( calgacus Non sum qualis eram bonae sub regno Cynarae, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 16:48, Reply)

Me: What are you cooking?
Dad: Shit wi' sugar on

gets me all the bloody time.....
( Laughing Boy, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 16:44, Reply)

I like children
but I couldn't eat a whole one.
(mobiletelephone, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 16:37, Reply)

not so much my dad...
..but my grandparents, whenever they came to stay at my parents would sit down to a meal, look at each other & then nudge me & say
"it's nice here, isn't it. Are they open on Sundays?"

How we all laughed.

Really.

It got funnier every time we heard it.

Another 'classic' from my grandfather was the "It'll either rain or get dark before morning"

(the long, winter evenings....)
(LarryB, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 16:33, Reply)

my dad always says
"It only seems like yesterday when me and your mum were married....

What a bloody awful day yesterday was..."

Its never been funny, but he repeats it at every opportunity possible.
(angeluk666, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 16:32, Reply)

Well
My dad has this thing, that when he shakes my hand, he kind of sticks out his middle finger into my hand, and rubs it against the palm of my hand.

It's really kind of sick, you should try that sometime :)
(Mondlicht, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 16:30, Reply)

Ferry
I used to really like it when my dad would pretend to throw me over the side on ferry journeys to France when i was a kid...

no, really, it was fucking hilarious...
( bigshape like a glove!, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 16:22, Reply)

dad jokes
dont ask dad to pass the milk at the breakfast table or its (lifts bottle in front of face)
'ooooh look. its past-yer-eyes milk!)
GEDDITT??????
(mink stole, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 16:13, Reply)

not so much a joker, more like a prankster.
Everytime we would go out for a meal, a male member of the party would need the loo. If my father needs the loo he would also make the journey. Once you have finished you would then go and wash your hands, this is where my dad would be waiting.......whist standing there he would get a hand full of water and throw it over your groin, hence you now look like you've pissed yourself!
Another favorite of his is to turn your teaspoon upside down in your hot drink if you left the table, upon oyur return he would turn it back the right way. Then you would attempt to take the spoon out but it would be so hot you end up flinging it accross the room.
ooh ooh ooh, and another would be to ask people if their ice cream/cream cake/any messy pudding if it smelt funny. You would then smell it, as you did he would smack your hand causing you to jam it up your nose. This doesn't go down to well when done to your girlfriend or her mum!
( M@rkoni, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 16:08, Reply)

Oh god I just remembered
My old boyfriend invited me round to his for valantines day (I decided i was going spill and end this no go relationship that day, then i remebered it was val day so i delayed it by a couple of weeks). Had a really nice time and his parents went out and when they came back while we were watching the simpsons his dad came out and said "I thought you were giving 'er one upstairs thats why we were out so long and came in quietly!"

Um....

He was serious. I had the last laugh though when his dad went upstairs to finish the tiling when we heard this almighty crash as he fell in the bath

Never did or would. Still single
( Blobcat Less Jaffacakes this year, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 16:06, Reply)

Groan time
My old man has that horrible habbit of repeating the joke about 3times before he shuts up!

Sunday roast he always used to ask my gfriend
if she fancied 'stuffing', much to her embarrassemnt, and my amusement.

When he's really wasted he stands there swaying and says "Alcohol is a preservative..." wtf??!
( Moogen, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 16:06, Reply)