Accident involving industrial flat-bed power planer and finger
Flat-bed power planer 1 - Finger 0

The human body has something like 256 seperate bones. I still have the same number, it's just one is cut into several pieces distributed liberally around the garage.

Oh how i laughed(!)
(Felchman, Fri 3 Sep 2004, 14:13, Reply)

nothing quite as bad as some of these
although I did smack my mum in the face while trying to put on a awkward jumper in front of a large group of people.
Also fell out of bed when I was with a gf, nasty carpet burn up my right side.
( Paper Tiger, Fri 3 Sep 2004, 13:59, Reply)

motorbike noises
Aged about 8 or 9, I was out riding my bike along with several other kids in the neighbourhood. One of the older ones demonstrated that if you stuck the very tip of the toe of your trainer into the spokes of your back wheel, you got a great noise like a motorcycle engine. It was better the faster you went, so we found a steep hill. My practical mother insisted my bike have huge mudgards though, so the back wheel was inaccessible to my foot. Easy, I'll just jam it into the front wheel as hard as I can. Cue one somersault and a head first landing on the road. I dont really remember much of the next half hour or so.
(I am the infinite monkey!, Fri 3 Sep 2004, 13:58, Reply)

Family domestic
One christmas a few years back enjoying the free food and drink at the parents as you do it came to the time of opening the presents. Now in our family it used to be an unofficialy to mess with the presents, wrap a small one in big boxes or use 3 rolls of tape to make it impossible to get into etc... Well this year my younger brother had it sorted, grabbing a pen knife and whipping it out he made mince meat of the present wrapping and hay presto prezzie in seconds. In fact so fast was he my older brother them put up both hands in a surrender fashion saying dont hurt me in a comedic manner. Well obviously rising to thie my younger brother then starts jabbing at him and in a fantastic miss timing of fate stabs my older brother in the palm of his had a good 3/4 inch in. Que older brother shouting you fucking stabbed me and passing out on the sofa and gurgling (which was very cool, does that meake me weird?). Not bad enough on its own the worst part was mum and dad trying to convince the staff nurse and doc that no were not charvs, no its not a "domestic incident" no my brother doesnt want to inform the police it was an accident honest etc... Oh how we laugh now!
(Druss, Fri 3 Sep 2004, 13:57, Reply)

Sorry for all these, but here's another one...
Friend of mine was cooking a meal, which involved copious amounts of chili. Well, during the cooking of said meal, he found an itch in his pants ("get out you little bugger") so proceeded to scratch his nether-regions AND his eyes.

Now, read that paragraph again. Chili. Scratch. Nether-regions. Eyes.

So 10 minutes later, he would be found with his face under a tap and his todger in a glass of milk.

Pure comedy...
( Naive Amoeba Bored Cig, Fri 3 Sep 2004, 13:56, Reply)

never ever ever
scratch your bollocks with tiger balm on your hand.

That is all

apart from that I was in HK at the time and it was a much more potent liquid version of the same stuff.
(teasus likes tea, Fri 3 Sep 2004, 13:31, Reply)

Justice
I work at a pub, and one day wanted to cut a lemon into slices for peoples drinks - anyway, went into the kitchen and went to get a big knife, only to be bollocked by the then head chef, told that only qualified kitchen staff should be using the knives, and that he would 'have' to cut the lemon for me.

Imagine my delight when the fat miserable bastard then managed to slice a chunk off his thumb. Kept me smiling to myself for at least a couple of hours :o)
(OuEstMonPantalon, Fri 3 Sep 2004, 12:57, Reply)

Ever gone for the roll? Make sure there's enough bed.
She's on top, you're underneath (or vice versa). You've got the urge to kick it up a notch (or she does), but no-one's particularly interested in painstakingly disengaging and respositioning. So, coupled together, you roll.

Just make sure there's enough bed to your right (or left, if you're weird). And that you don't have a bed-side table. And that it's not a bastard-sharp-edged table.

Three stitches in the head, after a long wait at a medical centre on a long weekend.

(The girlfriend was exceedingly chuffed that she'd "marked" me as her own, and of course, everyone was later told by said gleeful girlfriend. Then, later, they all pooled their money and bought me a safe-sex helmet.)
(iusr, Fri 3 Sep 2004, 12:56, Reply)

2 in one day
I was 20 and had just finished my second year nursing exams, so we all went out to celebrate. After being woken up at 8:30 am for a shift that started at 7:00 am by my charge nurse, I had to come up with a really good excuse. So, I told her the first thing that came into my head, that I'd cut my finger while making breakfast. She was a nasty old bitch so I intened giving myself a little nick on the finger because I knew she would want to see the wound. I got a bread knife, went to cut my finger but slipped on the kitchen floor and gave myself a 2 inch cut on my thumb that required 6 stitches.
After work, I went back to the nurse's home where I was living and was checking my mail when the phone rang. It was for a really hot looking 3rd year student on the first floor, so I shouted up the stairs that she was wanted on the phone. I went back to checking my mail until I heard her coming down the stairs. She had just had a shower and was running down the flight of stairs, that I was standing at the bottom of, with just a towel around her. Needless to say, I getting a very nice view but to make it not seem so obvious, I turned around quickly to my letterbox. Unfortunately, I had left the door, which was at eye level, open. I woke up in hospital with severe bruising to my right eye and 9 stitches in my eyebrow.
I told my mates, who were in the car industry or welders, that a violent patient had attacked me while I was protecting a female nurse.
(peewee13, Fri 3 Sep 2004, 12:48, Reply)

Tube shenanigans
A mate of mine walked into moving tube train that hadn't quite stopped. It rotated him 360 degrees and rubbed the skin off his cheek!
(baboon, Fri 3 Sep 2004, 12:47, Reply)

My Knackers.
After reading all these I am soooo glad that I have never torn my banjo string, but... however. I have lost my ball inside of myself.
How you ask? Well gather round and I shall tell you a tale. Skateboard and no I did not do somethhing lame and throw a strop stamp on the board and hit myself in the knads. Don't be silly. That day I was sessioning kingston Crown Court all day, trying out the rails. I did notice the centre of my deck wearing away but I didn't pay too much attention to that. I did do a board-slide for about 4-5m, my deck gave way in two and I fell knackers first on this rail, leg either side, fell off, cried, and the descoverd that my balls were not there. They had infact gone inside me. I F**KING pranged. I did get the nice people at Kingston hospital however to find them for me. And they are both still in tact. Thank God.
(Dry Crackers, Fri 3 Sep 2004, 12:45, Reply)

Injuries
I once stuck a fork in my head after falling from my chair at the dinner table. I have a small bald patch where the fork went in.
( darth munki is flipping livid, Fri 3 Sep 2004, 12:39, Reply)

An injury I caused.....
....I stabbed my ex in the eye with a knife, at the dinner table, right in front of her parents.

I did oh yes. It was a complete accident and her dogs fault because the little bugger jumped up at me and scared me to death causing me to swing my arm, which had the knfe in it's hand, in a random direction. Caught my ex about 2 cms above her eye. Oh it could have been so much worse.....

(oh and her parents didn't notice and when they were told - they laughed. And they were German, and her dad a police detective...who says Germans have no sense of humour? Lovely people methinks)
(sionnach, Fri 3 Sep 2004, 12:37, Reply)

Oh yeah! And another!
My sister, when in school (about 20 years ago, when they still had those fold-down desks), was being a precocious little shit like always, hiding behind the desk etc etc.

Well, the teacher wasn't in the room, and for some reason she decided to slam the desk down. Now, what did she do? The silly girl forgot to take her head out from behind the desk before she slammed it down (Nnnng!) resulting in her biting her tongue right in the middle (oh yeah, i neglected to say that she was sticking her tongue out at the time)

Well, not only did she need 18 stiches to sew the big gap in her tongue, but her teeth knocked together and shattered inside of her tongue, resulting in the doctor having to get the tweezers inside and pull her shattered teeth out..

Ps. that very sister's giving birth today
( Naive Amoeba Bored Cig, Fri 3 Sep 2004, 12:30, Reply)

comes in threes?
oooh i do have three completely non eroticly caused injuries...
you know when you use your teeth to cut selotape? i tried to cut packing tape with my teeth, got it stuck to my lip - ripped the bugger off and lost so much of my bottom lip i couldn't drink without a straw for a month - i looked like i had a raw steak between my teeth.
and the second - being KOed my my little brother practicing his golf swing - i was smacked in the face with a goldclub about an inch below my eye and half an inch to the left of my nose,
and finally going to watch the local amature cricket team and being smacked in the cheek with a cricket ball - ouch, you wouldn't believe.
(Euphrosne, Fri 3 Sep 2004, 12:17, Reply)

Another: Someone I know told me an anecdote
of how it's fun to, whilst sitting in the bath, swap your testicles around (aka, left testicle on right and side and vice-versa).

Well, he said how he did it once and got them stuck; having to go to hospital to get them "realigned"

The thought of that makes me physically cross my legs... oooer...
( Naive Amoeba Bored Cig, Fri 3 Sep 2004, 12:11, Reply)

Let's just say
Got into bed, drunk. "Special Area" starts itching, but you know how it is, however much you try, you can't get rid of the itch.

So i reach around for something, and find a plectrum, which I use. Now, because I'm a bit drunk, I don't really realise the amount of damage i'm doing, so when I woke up in the morning, i had quite a bit of blood/scarring.

Trust me, out of any place on your body to have an open wound... *sigh*
( Naive Amoeba Bored Cig, Fri 3 Sep 2004, 12:05, Reply)

how?
my best friend stayed at her chaps house - both squeezed into his single bed, somewhere in the throws of passion he cries out in pain with two dislocated shoulders - now how did that one happen?
both shoulders?
pah
(Euphrosne, Fri 3 Sep 2004, 12:05, Reply)

This happened last night in fact
Had a shower with my boyfriend last night, both in a very hyper mood.

Go into sitting room, both in towels. My man takes it into his head to be all romantic and dashing, whilst I'm walking backwards in a silly dance (i said we were hyper). He whips his towel off, grabs both ends of it and with a flick of the wrists, straightens the towel out to lay in the floor so we can roll around. Aww.

Which would have been fantastic if somehow my jiggly dance hadn't distracted his aim and cause him to punch me in the face.

Siad mood lost slightly, but compensated for triply by then taking me to see Hellboy. Yay. My man rocks
(niceandwarmandhot vive la résistance, Fri 3 Sep 2004, 12:03, Reply)

Leg spasms
One night at a little concert thing I was sitting down with this girl (whom i had just met) that was sitting on my knee. Naturally one thing led to another there. But the problem was, the entire time she was on my knee, I was extending my foot for extra elevation, which i didn't realize at the time was straining my calf muscle.

So now when I walk her to her car and kiss her goodnight, my left leg starts spasming and convulsing horribly. I couldn't stand still; I had to sit in her car to kiss her goodnight.

I cursed my great charm the rest of the night :P
( AgentMuu hentai coordination, Fri 3 Sep 2004, 12:03, Reply)

Chinned
On my first night on holiday in New Zealand, I stopped at a student flat, and noticed on the way to the toilet that the bath ceramic looked lethally shiny and slippery. "Someone's going to fall on that I thought".

Cue next day. I was having a shower and slipped on the wet porcelain. My chin contacted the adjacent sink with a mighty thud. Apparently, the people in the room next door heard various bangs and crashes as I fell to the ground. "Paul, are you OK in there?" they asked.
To protect my modesty, I grabbed a towel, covered myself up, and peeked through a gap in the door. "I seem to have cut myself". What THEY could see was blood pouring out of a cut on the chin (complete with bone underneath), blood everywhere etc.

Cue trip to A&E on my first day in NZ, blue stitches sticking out of my chin, a sore jaw, a permanent scar and being labelled "a prize wally".

I've always used a showermat since.
(Wrecked Tums, Fri 3 Sep 2004, 11:54, Reply)

Another drunken broken wrist story.....
A few years ago a mate of mine was at Cardiff Uni, we went down to see him for the weekend, the usual went on, down the union, get trollied, go for curry.

On our way to the afformentioned curry house when we come accross a large railway bridge, no biggie I hear you say.

Well we walked over the bridge and on the way down the other side one of my mates decides to hurl himself over the rails and he landed on his feet.

Another mate thought this looked so cool that he thought he would try it, mmmmmmmmmmmmm. The only problem was ,that said mate forgot that he had feet and ended up lamping his quite considerable frame plum on the deck.

Injuries sustained - Great big hole in chin, claret everywhere(which the doctors made bigger by digging out more bone - doh), both bones in right wrist broken (not cleanly either, had to have a 3 hour op and pins for 3 months) and he knackered one of his knees.

The moral of the story kids is don't jump off bridges.......

no appologies for length
(a monkey's not just for christmas, Fri 3 Sep 2004, 11:43, Reply)

i have seen lots of banjo stories here
i have three.

they are all about me/my banjo string

so i wont be relating them to you.
(incredible wrongun, Fri 3 Sep 2004, 11:42, Reply)

Football In The Groin
On a family holiday to Florida when me and my brother were young 'uns we were relaxing in the hotel room after a busy day of theme parks and buying cheap tat. Me and my little bruvva had one double room and my parents had the adjoining double room. We were lying on the beds talking about theme parks and just shooting the shit and all the while little bro' was throwing his recently acquired souvenir American football in the air and catching it. Then he missed it. "Uuunnhh" was the sound he made as the ball landed squarely on the bollocks. He doubled up with his legs in the air and started crying. I don't think it was the sound of his sobs that brought my mother in from the other room though. I think it was when he yelled, at the top of his voice: "AAAARGGGHH!!! MY GOOOOOOLIES!!!"

Sadly I don't think I've heard of anyone refer to their knackers as 'goolies' since.
(R. Jimlad twitter.com/sirmarkymark, Fri 3 Sep 2004, 11:40, Reply)

More genital trauma
When I was at school, I used to ride my pushbike (a Raleigh Pursuit racer since you ask) everywhere at high speed, I even got stopped for speeding by the Police once.

Anyway, there I was riding along like normal when the front wheel found a drain which had just be serviced but the twunt workman who had put it back with the grating going along the road rather than across it. Result bike stops, I carry on at 20 miles an hour, now the steering bit of a racer looks a bit like the number 7 with a large metal pointy bit pointing straight back at your bollocks. My bollocks cushioned the impact and saved me from hitting the road but I think I would have prefered gravel rash over 90% of my body than that.

My friend crashed his motorbike head-on with a car (both going fairly slowly by the time they hit) and he dented the metal fuel tank with his bollocks, said they were impressively swollen for a couple of weeks but I didn't examine the evidence.
(highlordzarj, Fri 3 Sep 2004, 11:35, Reply)

hmmm
during a piss up with a small group of friends, two of us decided to do some one armed press-ups? a good idea until my mate came charging down the hallway diving into me and knocking me forwards. a shame since he was renting the flat and it had a nice capet tiled floor, explaining a huge carpet burn on youre forehead is never going to be easy is it?
(incredible wrongun, Fri 3 Sep 2004, 11:34, Reply)

Somewhere in a medical jounral...
... there is a picture of a lass without her nose. (a very fresh injury).

The caption beneath the picture it says "Young female with trauma to face caused by family's dog. The attack was the result of attempting fellatio on the pet"

NOT ONLY did she try to blow the dog and get her nose bitten off as a result, but it was immortalised in a medical journal.

I bet noone took the piss... no really... HAHAHAHA


i THINK I saw the piccy on BangedUp.com Either Way.. I can't look for it at work :o(
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Fri 3 Sep 2004, 11:28, Reply)

not so much embarassing as horrific...
and not even my injury, but when we were kids we were messing around in the playground swining really high and then jumping off at the highest point of the arc of the swing. They were those old fashioned plastic swings and one of the boys was swinging really high and jumped off and then went all white and wobbly and fell over and there was this thing hanging from the swing...
unbeknownst to us the swing he was on had a crack in it and as he was pushing it so hard, the crack had opened and one of his testicles (still inside his swimming trunks) had slipped into the crack. When he jumped off the transfer of weight mean the crack snapped shut and although he left the swing one of his testicles didn't.
(I_AM_MY_EVIL_TWIN_SELF, Fri 3 Sep 2004, 11:25, Reply)

a week before my tenth birthday
me and my best mate decided to smash up a barn to celebrate. we were in the loft of the barn throwing big stones and tiles through the rotten wooden ceiling. i saw a nice big stone, decided to wonder over to pick it up and the ceiling gave way, causing me to fall about 10 feet followed by the nice big stone which smacked me square on the back of the head, fracturing my skull.
cue a lot of blood, me being airlifted to plymouth, having catscans, almost dying, the usual.
i've still got a dent in the back of my head. suffice to say it made me the man i am today...
( krang, Fri 3 Sep 2004, 11:03, Reply)

This is not mine....
...but a mate of mine had a girlfriend for a year before getting...ahem...'intimate'. He was waiting for the right time. The right time came on an excursion to Scarborough. Being in the hotel room next to them, I heard the gory details, included a large 'aaaaiiiiiieeee!!! It hurts'

Apparently, the guy covered his member with soap (for lubrication), and caused the girl great pain with it.

She thought it was best to see a doctor so, waking me up in the process, we went to the hospital, where she discharged after a few hours (ba dum tish!).

Unfortunately, the mate of mine, had forgot to wash off the soap after the incident, and by now, it formed an ever-tightening seal around his member. Causing him not only great pain, but worse, walking around with an erection wherever he went.

After a few days he told me that he had visited the GUM clinic, and said that he should soak his soldier in warm water for a few hours. Even then, it would take upto 3 days for his little guy to regain natural dimensions.

Never one to take doctors advice, he invented a quicker way.

He mastrubated with a piece of sandpaper.
(rhyswynne - on every social network mullarkey known to man, Fri 3 Sep 2004, 10:52, Reply)