I like to...
When I'm outside and no-ones around, spit out my chewing gum and boot it up in the air as high as possible.

Bonus points for hitting/maiming scorries.

Minus points for getting it in your hair.
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Mon 17 Mar 2008, 14:31, 2 replies)

Paul McCartney's single again
and slightly worse off. Am I the only one who, while finding the award of £24.3 million to his ex absolutely obscene, takes a guilty pleasure in thinking it serves him right?

The whole thing is just tacky beyond belief. £24.3 million for what, about three years of marriage? What, exactly, does anyone need that kind of dosh for? Why did he think she wanted to marry him? Answers on a postcard, please.

Mind you, for that kind of money, I could probably put up with him for a few years....
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Mon 17 Mar 2008, 14:26, 18 replies)

"Would you like one...?"
Thankfully I've grown out of this, almost. It used to annoy my mates/girlfriends to a violent degree but had me helpless with laughter.

When outdoors and someone offers you something like a biscuit, piece of confectionary, half a sandwhich, mini pork pie (etc. etc.), accept it, even if you don't want/like whatever it is.

You then have several options, my faves being:

1) drop-kick the item as far as you can
2) put it in your mouth (if appropriate) and then see how far you can spit it

This will make your generous pal/gf indignant at best, violent at worst. You can then complain about conditions being attached to this generous gift ("so I have to eat it? You didn't say").

This is much better if there's a bunch of you: everyone except the giver should be highly amused. Also, try the 'do you love me enough to give me your last Rolo (or pork pie or whatever)?' ploy and if this works, proceed as described above.

Utterly hilarious. It's only cost me a tooth and a couple of relationships.
( MisterPunch did it that way on, Mon 17 Mar 2008, 14:07, 2 replies)

Pin
I have a little lapel pin with a Canadian flag on it. I wear it when I go abroad, so people won't know I'm American. If asked where I'm from, I say "A few hours SW of Toronto...". Hey, it's true, provided 10 counts as "a few".
(chase, Mon 17 Mar 2008, 14:05, 4 replies)

I like to spend whole train journeys
wondering what would happen if Captain Jack Harkness, Derren Brown and Marylin Manson all ended up naked in a small and sweaty room together..

Oh, and wondering what all my male friends are like in the sack, but then everyone does that. Don't they?

It's a pleasure but I don't feel guilty about it
(KittehRedfern, Mon 17 Mar 2008, 13:57, 2 replies)

If your on your own
and your a guy, you can garuntee you will be holding your cock at some stage. I dont mean to wank with either - just holding it.

Similar to if im with a bird - i like to just hold their boobs. Its great to hold stuff.
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Mon 17 Mar 2008, 13:55, 4 replies)

keeping abreast of my work
I like to absentmindedly play with my nipples when I'm concentrating on some important task on the computer.

This has become much easier since I got my own office, though I still have to remember to lower the blinds sometimes before anyone gets an eyeful of me with my fingers in my bra.

Try it, it helps you work. (No, try it on your own nipples, these babies are for my concentrating pleasure.)
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 17 Mar 2008, 13:26, 16 replies)

Google Earth also
If I'm going on a journey by car over say, 10 miles, I plot the route on Google Earth and then play the tour so I can watch it scroll along the road.
I once was doing an airport run to Stanstead from Hull and followed that route. It took nearly 20 mins.

I've also plotted a route to Odessa, Ukraine (1,998 miles) and to Alta, Norway (2,297 miles)
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 17 Mar 2008, 13:23, 5 replies)

Heinous guilty pleasure...
Sometimes I like to recount stories off QotW and tell non-b3tans them as if they are my own.

the shame...
the shame!
(kintore_homeboy tenuous links since 1986!, Mon 17 Mar 2008, 13:14, 2 replies)

Russell Brand
Rachelswipe I am with you all the way. Totally wrong wrong wrong. Bad and nasty and all those things but I definitely would. Am I going to hell with this and training my cat to high five?
(Siouxfan I'm not staring at you, I am just short sighted, Mon 17 Mar 2008, 13:06, 9 replies)

Bras
Goddamn bras were invited by Behelzebub himself!

I love love LOVE coming home and removing said item...before removing rest of clothing. Chuffing things. That feeling of sweet sweet relief is indescribable!

I also love being a girl and having peripheral vision. Mr Mogg thinks I'm witch as I always catch him doing something he shouldn't be. I always let him do it for a few moments, just enough time for him to think he's getting away with it and his confidence grows THEN I SNAP HIM LIKE A TWIG ahem....
(Mogg Questioned her own sanity on, Mon 17 Mar 2008, 13:00, 15 replies)

More sex
I don't like shaving - my face that is - and we have 'dress down' days every Friday. So, by Sunday morning, I've usually got a good few days worth of stubble. My guilty pleasure is pleasuring my missus on a Sunday morning in the oral tradition then going out to town without washing my face or (re)cleaning my teeth. You see, there is a distinct 'parfum de missus' adhering to my face and I love just walking around town with that special smell on my face.

Also, and similarly, after sex in the more direct way, I usually give the old fella a wipe with a tissue - being past the age when I enjoy damp patches on my side of the bed. What I love is letting the tissue dry in situ - especially if we've indulged in the morning before I go to work - then discovering the dried-on tissue later when I go for a pee at work. In fact, there's a double pleasure: first just seeing it there, reminding me of the earlier tenderness and secondly, peeling it off in bits. This is a bit like peeling off sun-burned skin once the skin has recovered.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Mon 17 Mar 2008, 13:00, 3 replies)

Sitting in the language lab at uni
with "wizard in a call centre" headset, using Google Maps to look at random places, and pretending I work for CTU.

No really, I'm doing it right now.
( Maladicta, Mon 17 Mar 2008, 12:41, 2 replies)

Cat
I have taught my cat to give me a 'high five'.
So now if I or one of the family are holding her and someone says 'Sybil, high five!' She puts her paw up by her ear. She looks v pleased with herself. Not as pleased as me of course.

When feeling particulalry peed off, sat and watched about 8 Carry On films end to end, whilst eating so much chocholate I vommed.
(Siouxfan I'm not staring at you, I am just short sighted, Mon 17 Mar 2008, 12:31, 3 replies)

Don't tell the RSPCA
Sometimes, when life is getting me down, and Ive got nowhere to turn...
I turn the washing basket upside down with my cat underneath, and watch him move round the room like a little K9 robot... pausing only to poke a cute paw out in the vain hope that his whole body will fit through the hole.
Eventually, I will probably do this to my son.
(Kaplaaah Wasting time on the net since 1994., Mon 17 Mar 2008, 11:57, 3 replies)

Fake men
In response to frankspencer, a possibly misguided expression of sympathy...

I am an educated feminist with a good job, excellent promotion prospects and a desire to Do Good In The World (yes, I'm a do-gooder... the sharp move to the right that inevitably happens when you go to a half-way decent university has not dampened my primrose-pathed spirit). I am a member of my workplace Women's Network (we're the public service, we spell it in English) and do my best to assist young ladies in accessing relatively non-traditional careers (can't help you with engineering and physics, but have you ever considered policing, defence or security?).

I'm currently working with a testosterone-inflated boofhead who I'm pretty sure is using steroids. I'm not entirely sure if he ever actually *does* any work, but he's very good at barging into our office, telling us we're crap and our ideas suck, and appointing himself the boss (again, without actually doing anything). His voice attracts lady snakes and he pays tribute to Mahmoud Ahmedinejad by refusing to wear a tie - unlike Ahmedinejad he likes to leave a couple of buttons undone (I think I may have to hand in my heterosexual card if I'm A Dinner Jacket ever does that). I'm pretty sure he uses more makeup than I do and I guarantee that he puts more effort into getting dressed in the morning than I did into my entire Master's thesis. He is a wanker and all the women who work here are very keen to bust his balls, and I think a lot of the men would sit back and let us do it.

Dear b3tans, do I even need to finish this post? Frank - I'd do him, but I'd be thinking of you.
(Emily Bruce-Dickinson http://jovialfellow.blogspot.com/, Mon 17 Mar 2008, 11:34, 8 replies)

Pertaining to Apple.
One of my other guilty pleasures, if it were legal, would be taking my agressions out on the twats who work there.

"Hey, dude, how are you today? Check out this fantastic..."
*CRACK*
"Help! Call the police! Oh my god, my beautiful nose!!!! It'll never be the same again! How on earth will I look cool with my trendy T-shirts and my iPod now!"
(Half of Stephen Fry's right buttock pissed on your dog on, Mon 17 Mar 2008, 10:55, Reply)

Mobile phones
My guilty pleasure for today is that despite hardly ever using my mobile phone and not giving a monkeys about what it does, I've just ordered a Nokia N95 on contract, at £25 a month.

My excuse is that the Satnav and the MP3 player will come in handy, but in reality I just want to look like a posh spaz.
(Half of Stephen Fry's right buttock pissed on your dog on, Mon 17 Mar 2008, 10:51, 6 replies)

allah akbar etc
I am a closet mussulman. About once a month, I put on a large theatrical beard and don an authentic djellaba to attend my local mosque. I wear some dark foundation and practise some set phrases like "Allah akbar" ('Allah is great'), "In sha'Allah" ('by the grace of Allah') and "Uluululululululululu jihad ib Amerika!" (don't know what this means, but it really gets them going down the mosque).

I don't really know the protocols, but I just follow what everyone else is doing - bow when they bow, kneel when they do etc. It's a lot of fun and they usually have some free curry to give away afterwards. The muslim girls are hot, and I always make sure to wear a cucumber under my robes. It makes them laugh.

I also go to local Sikh temple occasionally in my theatrical turban. They do some nice sandwiches and they don't seem to mind that I have no connection with their culture or religion. I just wanted an opportunity to wear the turban, and it seemed too good to miss. It's a pretty flashy turban fashioned from gold lurex and with a peacock feather

The local Jews are less forgiving. When I turned up at the synagogue dressed like Fagin from Oliver Twist, they took offence and gave me a thrashing. So much for God's chosen people, eh? Jesus wouldn't have behaved like that - he would have offered me some orange squash and some bagels or something. I asked them if it was true they were behind 911 and you've never seen such humourless expressions.

I seldom go to the evangelical church on the corner. They're a funny bunch, perpetually falling down and speaking in tongues. I went there directly from the pub once, and I was so incoherent and unco-ordinated from drink that they thought I was the Second Coming and plied me with heartfelt praise and prayer. I took the opportunity to eat a selection of comestibles they'd set out for Harvest festival.
(frankspencer, Mon 17 Mar 2008, 10:33, 1 reply)

I like to go to
the Mac store on Oxford street, and turn the airport off on the laptops. Then watch as the internet freeloaders struggle to figure out what's wrong, witout having the guts (or English) to ask the staff. Great if you've had a bad day.
( Madam Marlboro wonders if you've found her yet, Mon 17 Mar 2008, 10:18, 3 replies)

Phone fun.
VOIP services such as Voipcheap offer such good fun to be had. Like their direct call feature.

Think of two people you know who really hate each other. For "Your phone number" put person As number in. For destination phone number, put Person B in.

Both persons phones ring, they answer it and suddenly Person A and Person B is connected. They will probably have a huge argument over who rung who. Sadly you cant hear the conversation..
.. But you can.. Ring your mate up on Voipcheap P2P, then both of you ring the numbers by adding to the conference. Then mute ur mics and listen away. Its also fun to call up two McDonalds at the same time who are in the same area. Nothing like a bit of maccy rivalry.

Endless fun :)
(Miggyman, Mon 17 Mar 2008, 10:11, Reply)

R Whites

I'm a secret lemonade drinker!
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 17 Mar 2008, 9:48, Reply)

Using shampoo
and conditioner.

On my pubic hair.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Mon 17 Mar 2008, 9:47, 4 replies)

Simba
Only when he's grown up.
You can tell he'd make a hot human. You can tell!!
(CakeCat, Mon 17 Mar 2008, 9:28, 2 replies)

At a zoo....
running away from the lions enclosure shouting "THEY'VE ESCAAAAPED".

Always fools one or two!

Also - walking past the toilets and complaining to my Girlfriend that I want to see the DISABLED exhibit.

I went once - the door was locked.

Disableds are endangered.
( FlexAlux laughed at something inappropriate on, Mon 17 Mar 2008, 8:48, 2 replies)

nana calthrop
When I masturbate, I can't help but think of my dead granny, and how she might be watching over me. Then I think "Well, she must have, you know" and I realise I'm thinking of my dead gran - who used to give me those penny sweeties and cans of iron bru to piss my mum off - I'm wanking off thinking of her wanking herself off.

Then I come.
(sirolimus, Mon 17 Mar 2008, 8:47, 1 reply)

Living abroad
I currently teach English in Japan so I have two guilty pleasures. The first is ogling my female students and trying to guess which one will be a super-hotty when she grows-up. This year’s current favourite is Hirai-san, although the dark horse in the race is definitely Kajitani-san. The reason this is a guilty pleasure is that I teach at a Junior High School; which means that these girls are about 12. This is very worrying for me. I justify this through boredom. There’s only so many times you can say "This is a pen." in 50minutes before going mental.

My other guilty pleasure is much less nasty.

When on the last train home, after a considerable amount of alcohol has been consumed, and talking in a loud, obnoxious voice about material that would be unsuitable for the aforementioned students; my Kiwi friend and I do our best to give off the impression that we are Americans by dropping baseball references into the conversation. We even went out and bought matching UCLA T-shirts to back this up. To the American B3tans, it’s not that I hate America. It’s not. It’s just that I don’t want the Japanese to hate Blighty.

This winds our American friend up almost as much as our obnoxiousness annoys the commuters, but then he has a serious irony-deficiency so that’s half the fun.

Length? 8 carriages on the Gakkentoshi.
(Bifta, Mon 17 Mar 2008, 8:45, Reply)

While at college, we all soon got damn sick of the nanny programs that barred you from searching for anything vaguely porn sounding
and which didn't work anyway, doing annoying stuff like objecting to a search for Scunthorpe but letting Bukakke thru as it didn't recognise the word, plus 99.9% of us were over 18.

SO as my way of objecting I took to sneaking as much porn into my visual work as possible hidden in clever ways, this was actually pretty easy as a lot of my stuff at the time used excessive texture layers, and so all I had to do was make a 'porn texture' by taking a porn pic and treating it with, say, Find Edges or Threshold on 'shop, and using it in a layer effect over a texture in some way, then layering a few more textures over it.

Even now I still pull out and admire my course work's double penetrations and spooge shots, and even my student card's photo in my third year had a naked couple shagging way in the background, right below the passing space ship...
( ..wil, Mon 17 Mar 2008, 8:45, Reply)