Not technically a heckle, but....
Many moons ago (circa 1984), just prior to the advent of karaoke, a friend of mine had discovered that a local pub ran what was known as a 'Free And Easy' every other Sunday night. The premise of this, was that the microphone was open to anyone - for a small fee - to get up and sing two songs, with whoever was voted best on the night winning the accumulated entrance fees. As my friend fancied himself as something of a chantoose, he was very keen to give it a whirl, and persuaded a group of us to go along and support him.... As I mentioned, this was pre-karaoke, so all accompaniment was provided by an ageing drummer and an equally decrepit female organist. The standard of the singing was in some cases actually quite good, which was entertaining, down to the absolutely dire, which for obvious reasons, was even more so.
Anyway, word quickly spread about the event, and by the third time we went, the pub (The Stocks in Warrington in case you're interested) was packed to the rafters. Takings must have quadrupled overnight...
The Landlord, obviously realising he had hit upon something here, decided to cater for his new-found clientele, and jazz things up a little.This included providing a compere to act as master of ceremonies for the evening's proceedings...
Picture if you will, a recently liberated inmate from Auschwitz, wearing a demob suit that would have looked 'roomy' on Bernard Manning, and you're only at the tip of the iceberg...this guy was to hosting an event of this magnitude, as the Queen Mother was to all-in wrestling...
Another inspired idea on the part of mine host, was to introduce a 'Guess The Song' competition - little realising that most of us were already doing this whilst the acts performed.
One particular evening, we had got there early and secured seats for the coming laugh-riot that the fortnightly debacle had become, and the place rapidly filled to capacity.
Enter our compere to warm things up. In his hands he clutches an envelope with the letter 'Y' on it. He then proceeds to move around the pub thrusting his microphone under the noses of the crowd and asking them to guess the title of the song within the envelope, which does indeed begin with a Y. Most people are happy to hazard a guess - little realising that if correct, in order to win that evening's 'bumper' rollover prize of 15 quid, one had to get up and sing at least one verse of the song in order to claim one's booty. Those of us that had been in preceding weeks were all too well aware of this fact and therefore somewhat reluctant to partake in case we guessed successfully....

It was at this point that the MC decides to stick the microphone rather unceremoniously into the face of one of our number, Alan, who, whilst having a reputation for being the life and soul in familiar company, is painfully shy in front of a room full of strangers.
"Any ideas son?" booms Alan's nemesis.
"Fuck off" mumbles Alan reticently.
Unfortunately for the MC, the mic is so far into Alan's face that the entire pub (and probably the neighbouring estate)hear his response.
In an attempt at a witty rejoinder, the compere snatches the mic back, and in an effort to defuse the situation shout's "No son, it begings with a Y!", then makes the fatal mistake of thrusting the mic back into Alan's face, for the reply "WHY don't you fuck off?"

Oh, how we chortled....
(Desolation Angel, Sun 9 Apr 2006, 13:35, Reply)

Love it!
...
That is all...
(G.Eusebio ...Fentruk from the long past..., Sun 9 Apr 2006, 13:30, Reply)

love it
when ever out on the piss just walk along shouting love it your sure to get a few love its in return last night got completely wankered in st albans some of ya might have seen me if u drink up there. i was the completely fucked bloke walking round shouting love it. love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it love it thank your soccer am for this amazin chant you have ruined so many peoples nice quiet nights out
(fwack bang on it, Sun 9 Apr 2006, 13:26, Reply)

Harry Hill's TV Burp
We were lucky enough to see an episode of the above show being recorded, and afterwards HH came and had a chat with the crowd. He then challenged us all with:

"Can you name a famous person with a beard?"

My mind went totally blank. "Er, Jeremy Beadle? Noel Edmunds?" I thought to myself.

Quick as a flash, Celia yelled out:

"Jesus!"

To which HH replied:

"Jesus?!? I think you'll find he died before he was forty. Go back to your bible ma'am."
( Watney Heckbulb uhnnnnnnnn has a new blog: www.skepticcanary.com, Sun 9 Apr 2006, 12:16, Reply)

Ruining Star Wars
I have a habit of saying what I'm thinking at the time. Cue the opening night of Star Wars Episode III at the local cinema. Me and my friends occupied the entire back row. The Emperor walks on screen, his hands limp camp-style. A supposed moment of tension, cinema is silent.

"Check his gay hands, and you're telling me it's just coincidence Darth Vader's outfit is PVC? Hhhm. Yer."

Fellow Star Wars geek next to me drops his popcorn. I have apparantly ruined the film for him, as he sat through the next hour of the film unable to look at Darth Vader in the same way again. Everyone else found it funny though.
(Eilidh likes comfortable shoes., Sun 9 Apr 2006, 12:16, Reply)

heckled
As a student nurse we are privy to certain motivational recruitment drives by those in the NHS eager to have us slaving away for them. One such chap was from the mental health board a very talkative scouser who was stressing the availability of jobs and how in every department throughout his unit was staffed by nurses and every team was lead by nurses, he then stated there we could not find a department in his unit not lead by a nurse, I shouted out, 'what about catering?' that shut him right up had the rest of the guest speakers laughing and cut short his already overlong drawl about mental health (I dont care for it as I do adult health, real nursing!!!)
shit i know but fairly relevant
as for girth, its like rattling a stick in a bucket!
(lankynyack, Sun 9 Apr 2006, 12:10, Reply)

Comedians... Gotta love 'em. Or stick your dick in their mouth
One poor lad, on stage had been heckled all night - and finally, he came up with sommat good... Looking very pleased with himself, he announced to the assembled throng...

"No flies on me..."

I couldn't help it...

"Surprising really, considering you're a big sack of shit."
(Chickenwire social lubricator extraordinaire, Sun 9 Apr 2006, 12:07, Reply)

Fucking Student Bands
So here I am, managing this student bar. We have a couple god-awful student bands play on a thursday night. At the end of the "gig", I go up to the headliner with their cash (30 quid, well wasted). They ask me what I thought, and I said that they were really good, much better than the really shit band that played first. To which the lead singer turns around and tells me they WERE the first band. To which I tell them I was only assuming they were shit, as I generally lock myself in the office whenever we have crap student bands playing.

Oh, I've also kicked Hugh Grant out of a bar I worked in, and called Craig Charles a wanker. But that's another QOTW.

Appologies for length, girth, and smelliness.
( Demonic Omelette, Sun 9 Apr 2006, 11:46, Reply)

Four Men And A Dog
Irish folkie type band.

They walked on stage, and sure enough there were four of them. Three fairly average-sized geezers; and one "super sized". The kind of size & shape that usually only Americans can attain.

"Where's the dog?!" shouts one wag.

"He's eaten it!!" answers another.
(simon shitting mason, Sun 9 Apr 2006, 11:24, Reply)

Dillinger Escape Plan
was playing at a local theatre during a heavy metal show called the Gigantour. Now, for those of you who have had the pleasure of not hearing these guys play, they SUCK. There was one guy in the pit who made it known to the band, quite vocally (I could hear him all the way up in the cheap seats). To his credit, the lead singer came up with a pretty good comeback (and, according to a friend who was standing right next to him, accurate):

Guy: "You suck! Get off the stage!"
Singer: "Oh, what are you gonna do, hit me with your broadsword? Go back to D&D, you fucking nerd."

Cue much applause and laughter from the entire audience, the fuckwad shouted a few more things, they went back and forth a bit, the singer shooting him down every time. He eventually gave up, and DEP proceeded to continue sucking for the rest of the set. They were very energetic, though, the singer actually started throwing equipment around and jumping off of things. Fun to watch, painful to hear. The rest of the show (particularly Megadeath and Dream Theater) was excellent, though.

No apologies for the length of my broadsword, it vibrates on a command word.
(Morgan is a damn dirty hippie, Sun 9 Apr 2006, 9:25, Reply)

At school
I was meant to meet someone after school for a fight, but I completely forgot about it until a few weeks later.
( Didyoumissme1, Sun 9 Apr 2006, 8:42, Reply)

Charlie Bucket... 'pwn3d'.
Went to see Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. When his grandpa gives him his savings to buy another bar of chocolate, Charlie, after much tension building, rips open the packet to find he hasn't won a golden ticket.

"Unlucky!" comes a voice from the audience.

Points awarded for timing and succinctness.
(Dyslexic Pidgeon, Sun 9 Apr 2006, 3:47, Reply)

Slap
This is more of a comeback than a heckle. In the early 90s, I went to see a show called New Joke City featuring Greg Fleet, Marty Sheargold, Matt King and Someone Else (sorry whoever you are), and part of this show was an actually reasonably funny bit where they're pretending to be in an art gallery, and they're looking out at the audience as if we're a painting. Fleety steps forward and starts waving his hands at us to demonstrate the frame of the painting, and accidentally slaps me quite hard on the forehead. He apologised immediately and I was too surprised to respond. At the end of the show when they were taking a bow, I waved him over and slapped him very gently in return. He took it with good grace.
(Emily Bruce-Dickinson http://jovialfellow.blogspot.com/, Sun 9 Apr 2006, 3:14, Reply)

best improv heckle
'Hi, we're an improv comedy group and we're going to improvise a scene. Can anyone suggest any places where the scene is set?'

'SHAPE'

'Any letters of the alphabet?'

'SHAPE'

'Any occupations?'

'SHAPE'

'Any... any shapes?'

'SHAPE'

'Come on, seriously, has anyone got any ideas for any places?'

'SHAPE'

'Anyone?'

'SHAPE'

The man who heckled us with 'SHAPE' is now nationally-famous comic Al Horne. We, on the other hand, are in dull 9-5 jobs...
(sjflangehound, Sun 9 Apr 2006, 2:50, Reply)

So Tired
I did get heckled once while performing.

I was rather tired after a long day and had had a few beers.

She was on top of me at the time and shagging, but I fell asleep. The 'true' performer managed to keep going for a few minutes, but then followed suit.

We both got a slap, but I made her....
(Suck it and Sea, Sun 9 Apr 2006, 0:19, Reply)

Back home,
which is, I'm proud to say, a little Yorkshire village, me and my dad went down the local (read:one kind of bitter, one of lager and gin for the ladies, everyone knows everyone) to see the Saturday Night Act (TM). That night it was a woman warbling popular songs to a backing tape. She was somewhat scantily clad in a white minidress, which was a bit tight, what with her being built like a brick shithouse and all.

During one of her 'rests' between sets my dad went to the bar where he proceeded to (very loudly) ask: 'CAN I HAVE A PINT OF BITTER, A GIN AND TONIC AND A PAIR OF KNICKERS FOR THE TURN, PLEASE!?'
(Northern Lovely, Sun 9 Apr 2006, 0:15, Reply)

Fuck Off
Normally works for me!
(Suck it and Sea, Sat 8 Apr 2006, 23:53, Reply)

At a...
Travel Function many years ago.

A Stand-up had already started while i was in the loo and he had just started picking on the audience as i strolled in...

HIM: Just been in the toilet have you?
ME: Yeah.
HIM: Thought so we could hear you.
ME: Well i bet listening to the shit coming outta my arse is better than listening to the shit coming outta your mouth.

Unfortunately i didnt say it loud enough so the front few tables burst into laughter whilst the comedian and all the other tables looked on confused as i walked confidently to my table.
(loverat, Sat 8 Apr 2006, 22:43, Reply)

Badly Drawn Boy "Secret" Gig....
...Although it wasn't that secret as about 400 people turned up to fill a small pub that usually turned drinkers away when it had 20 people in it. I was being crushed against the back wall as B.D.B paused to banter with the crowd "can everyone see me?" he shouts? I innocently reply "no, stand up!" to which he arsily replies "I am standing up you cunts" then promptly starts playing again, with a pissed off look on his face. Well he did ask, I didn't know the tea cosy on his head was there to make him bigger, and anyway only twats play pianos standing up.
(Anarchy Duck, Sat 8 Apr 2006, 22:33, Reply)

Abortion
If you want to see a musician get heckled, go and see Julian Cope. The crowd keep shouting requests and Julian always has an answer. A man shouted for the tune "Reynard The Fox" to which JC replied they weren't playing that night, "Go on please, do it for my pregnant wife" to which he replied that that song was particularly prone to causing spontaneous abortions so he certainly wouldn't be doing it, far too dangerous!
(Julian Coped, Sat 8 Apr 2006, 22:32, Reply)

Tracy Shaw
As in the lass who played Maxine Peacock in Coronation Street. A mate saw her out in Derby (I think she's from Chesterfield) and she seemed full of herself, so knowing full well who she was, he walked up to her .

Mate: Hey don't I know you?
TS : Perhaps
Mate: Haven't you been on TV?
TS : Yes I have
Mate: I know your in a soap opera
TS : That's right
Mate: Your Letitia Dean aren't you
TS : Oh fuck off

Not exactly a heckle, but near enough.
(Julian Coped, Sat 8 Apr 2006, 22:28, Reply)

Up the Brewers!
I support Burton Albion, you may have seen us play Man Utd earlier this year. Anyway my story is from a few seasons ago and our short and "well built" centre forward Christian Moore was going through a lean spell goal-wise. Struggling not only with his game but also a few shouts from the home crowd, he finally lost his cool and shouted something like "Why not get behind me, instead of being on my back", so I yelled "Well score a fucking goal then." He was able to give me a dirty stare as their was only a few hundred of us behind the goal.

A few minutes later he popped up out of nowhere and stuck it in. Cue massive celebrations from the Burton faithful and cue Christian walking to the touch line, looking me straight in the eye and telling me to Fuck Off.

Priceless!

"Christian Moore, Christian Moore, Christian Christian Moore, He gets the ball, he scores a goal, Christian Christian Moore."

Perhaps we could have a QOTW for really crap football chants that try their very best not to rhyme?
(Julian Coped, Sat 8 Apr 2006, 22:22, Reply)

1 heckle ... 1 response..
Friend of mine was playing in a band who had a rather arrogant lead singer. They were playing a pub gig in Wales and it wasn't going great, seeing as they did a lot of covers they offered to play requests... someone shouts out "Do you know 'The Streets Of London'?", "Yes" comes the reply, "Well why don't you fuck off and play there then" comes the response.


And I forget the comedian, but he was on a stand up TV show late one evening on the BBC, and some dude was repeatedly heckling him always with amusing comments, aforementioned comedian eventually gets fed up with it and says "actually, you're quite funny,.. only quite funny though, thats why you're down there and I'm up here."
(HoTWire, Sat 8 Apr 2006, 22:18, Reply)

Sep 11th heckler
Sitting in a pub in the west(very rural) part of Ireland on sep 11th watching them show the footage on loop of the towers falling.
Everyone in shock at what was happening on screen.
Then Osama Bin Laden's face comes up on screen as the suspected perpetrater.
From the back of the pub, one of the locals could be heard loudly, "There he is, the man of the moment!"

I've never laughed so much.
(giantstompymechafloyd, Sat 8 Apr 2006, 21:56, Reply)

Brian Blessed
So, all great stories feature the Blessed one, and this is no exception.

My fat, hairy, oft sweaty best mate from Uni was a typical Doncaster/Irvine (it's in Scotland you fucks) type, having grown up in both. His Grandad was just Northern. So much so, that during Peter Pan, when Brian Blessed arrived on stage in full Hook regalia, said Northerner pensioner stood up in the stalls and shouted "Boo! Hiss! You'll get your comeuppance!" Not so funny, except this wasn't a pantomime, but a faithful reworking of JM Barrie's dark tale of childhood fantasy and fear.

Blessed corpsed. Spectacularly. After 2 minutes, still convulsing with laughter, he managed to swish his cutlass in the direction of the offender and just about compose himself. Textbook.

2. Can't remember where or who, but someone once stood up, with a bullhorn/megaphone and pressed the siren, which lasted about 2 seconds, followed by "YOU ARE SHIT. GET OFF THE STAGE." He was. He did.

3. Andy Zaltzman at Joe's Student Comedy Club in Birmingham. Supported by John Oliver who was funny, Andy was on next. A part of his act was to request heckles. Silence, until from the eponymous Fat Bloke at the Back comes "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH YOU CUNT!" Zaltzman faultered, totally lost any credibility and died. Minutes later, the fire alarms went off. He legged it. John Oliver did 2 hours impromptu and brought the house down.
(wormburn, Sat 8 Apr 2006, 20:19, Reply)

Baseball
For those of you that know the game, Cal Ripken is a legend in baseball. He broke the streak set by Lou Gehrig for the longest streak without missing a game.

Anyway, Cal had a younger Brother, Billy Ripken who was a pro baseball player, but just not as good as Cal. One of Cal's final seasons, the Orioles (Cal's team) had brought Billy on as a Second Baseman...

The O's are playing Philadelphia in a pre-season game and Billy is on the on-deck circle, as he was next to bat. Swinging the weighted bat, stretching, etc.

A Philly fan behind me shouts until he gets Billy's attention...Billy looks up, smiling, slowly raising his hand to acknowledge the obviously enthusiastic fan...

The Philly fan?

"Hey Billy? How much do Cal's golfclubs weigh?!"

Billy's face was priceless. Though I DID feel sorry for him...least enough to scowl at the Phillies fan!

:)
( Citadel Because the world needs less morons, Sat 8 Apr 2006, 19:59, Reply)

It was a football club dinner
and the guest "comedian" was working his way around the audience, attempting to get laughs by taking the piss out of people's looks or clothing. Even he seemed to be getting bored with it, but he obviously had nothig else to offer. Eventually he spotted me standing at the back of the room, and his eyes lit up as he spotted my shaggy mop of hair.

"Ha ha, so let's ask that bloke stood over there what life is like in the 1970s, since he still seems to be living there!"

"It's fine, thanks" I replied. "And I'm really glad to see the chemotherapy seems to be working out OK for you."

A stunned silence descended on the room, then gradually a few sniggers turned to titters. The "comedian" sat down and gestured to the disco to start up, and I left.

Well, he was asking for it, the bald twat.
( Ptolemy the man with the silent pea, Sat 8 Apr 2006, 19:11, Reply)

Comedian at a tryout started his act with
... "I'm schizophrenic, me".

To which he got the heckled response, "Well, both of you fuck off then."
(primate, Sat 8 Apr 2006, 19:07, Reply)

( Malchick, Sat 8 Apr 2006, 18:52, Reply)