Another old favourite...
I was trying to tell a joke and making a hash of it, when one of my mates said, "Keep trying mate, you'll make a joke". For some reason a wave of quick wit must have washed over me, because I replied instantly, "What, like your parents did?"
(DoctorJ last upset some twat who doesn't like swearing on, Mon 10 Apr 2006, 14:44, Reply)

Snap!
A loong time ago in a life far away

I was in my first year at Cardiff Uni and one of the freshers week bands was Snap!. They were somewhat late coming on and when they finally stormed the stage to the strains of their only hit, the debris started to fly. Just as the lead singer sang the first line, she got hit in the head by a missile.

"Rhythm is a dancerrrghhh"
(fower.thief, Mon 10 Apr 2006, 14:21, Reply)

Keeping the workers down at heel !!
One line that I have used to great effect, when addressing some of the on site engineers, when some particularly "Smart" individual squalks up, is "I may not always be right, but I'm always the boss" cue silence !!!
(Betty Boothroyd's Love custard Tourettes at the KOB, Mon 10 Apr 2006, 13:43, Reply)

heckled at work
whilst workin as a pie man for blackburn rovers i kindly asked the next person what they would like, a person behind him then shouted "how about some faster staff!" needless to say he got served last the silly cnut - behold the power of the pies!!
( m-a-t-t -- formerly mini hasn't been on here for EVER!, Mon 10 Apr 2006, 13:20, Reply)

Mourinho's Coat
Man City v Chelsea

"Your coat's from Matalan"

Jose was vey pleased with Man City fans' fashion awareness.
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Mon 10 Apr 2006, 13:13, Reply)

Three of us went to see a preview of 'Bullet Boy'
at the Cornerhouse. This was after a good few plates of All You Can Eat curry at the Grand Buffet and more than a few pints of the Cream of Manchester.

The director, Saul Dibb, and the star, Ashley Walters, were there to answer questions.

Walters has done time for a firearms offence, which gave a certain frisson to his performance as a newly-released jailbird.

The audience's questions were 'did you get to fire the gun yourself?' and 'did they let you drive that posh car?' and so on, which Dibbs and Walters lapped up.

Anxious to ask an intelligent-sounding question, I stuck my hand up and launched into 'Saul, I noticed that the theme of the film is a classically tragic one. I thought of ancient the Greek concept of harmartia, in that the hero's character is doomed the moment he intervenes in a friend's argument, and also of Shakespearian heroes who wrestle with an inevitable fate, brought about by a flaw in their own character. How conscious were you of these historically dramatic themes in the making of the film?'

Dibbs stared at me, stammered a bit and passed the mike to Walters, who said, 'Yeah, the guns and the car were great, we really had a lot of fun making the film!'

Puzzled, I turned to my companions, who were helplessly sliding off their seats onto the cinema floor with laughter.

I dunno who looked the stupidest really, but I have my suspicions.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Mon 10 Apr 2006, 13:00, Reply)

Bill Bailey in Liverpool
He asked for foods that you can bake with hash... Someone randomly yelled out 'Cheese Money' to which he improvised an entire mini-sketch about mice playing poker with coins made out of cheese. Genius.

Also the fianceeééééeéeeeé's brother went to see Bottom Live.. The tour where they did an intricate rewind of a good half of the show live on stage... At the end he yelled 'Do it again!' to be rewarded by a pleasing 'Fuck off!' from Ade Edmondson
( beefandcheese, Mon 10 Apr 2006, 12:59, Reply)

The truth about Budweiser
A few years back, on my first (and hopefully last) trip to the manicured hellhole that is Orlando I found myself at Seaworld. There they have the Budweiser museum, which offers free trusting. Result thought I, having done similar things at the Carlsberg and Heineken breweries, and so wandered in.

After sitting through a thirty minute presentation on how the beer was made the presenter held a quick quiz before the tasting, something that pissed off the liggers even more than watching the extended Bud advert we'd just snoozed through.

Question 1, Why should you always serve Bud at below 12 degrees?

A cry from the back of the room (and undoubtedly from a Brit) "So you can tell it from piss!"

The length of his ire was the best thing about the visit.
(paxvobiscum, Mon 10 Apr 2006, 12:20, Reply)

Fiddy at Reading
I know 50 Cent at Reading has already been mentioned,but it was so awe inspiring,i feel I must recount my experience of it:

After the band before, (Lost Prophets i think) I was wandering away from the stage to get noodles. As I headed away, a guy heading towards the stage with a large box of eggs said to me "Why are you leaving!?"
I replied "cos 50 Cent sucks...." and waddled off.

Then,as i was queing at the noodle stall,the guy in front of me got a phone call. I heard him saying "What,theyre throwing things at the stage? Now? Is he on there? Ok,Im on my way!"

I decided it had to be see,so i scarpered over to the main stage,prepared for a laugh. What i then saw was possibly the most awe inspiring thing I'd ever seen. Fires were burning all over the field,and the stage was lit up blue,illuminating the rain of bottles falling like plastic rain. And the irate rapper throwing things added humour to the mixture.

Truly a great moment. Brought a tear to my eye.
(Miharu, Mon 10 Apr 2006, 12:19, Reply)

Heckling the audience....
I was a mere 4 years old, and my parents thought I might appreciate a trip to the pantomime during the festive season. I can't remember what it is we went to see, but we were sat at the front of the upper circle in the Kings Theatre in Edinburgh, quite a big place.

It got to the bit where the hero is being stalked by the baddy, and the audience (quite rightly) shouted "He's behind you!". To which I stood up on my seat, turned around to face the audience and shouted at the top of my little voice, "You all be quiet!", whilst assertively wagging my finger.

Everyone laughed at me, I went red.
(ralphseviltwin, Mon 10 Apr 2006, 11:11, Reply)

Not a heckle but anyway...
I went to see a panto with my Grandma's work a few years back and I was one of the older kids there so I found the whole experience rather shoddy. One of the younger kids couldn't comprehend that Ant and Dec could never see the baddie when they turned around and took it upon himself to give them a helping hand.

The performance was extended by twenty minutes as this kid ran to the front of the stage and started screaming at them, pleading with them to turn around. Ant and Dec managed to control the situation fairly well and take the piss out of the poor bairn but the baddie skulked about the stage looking lost. Obviously not wanting to destroy the atmos he continued to look devious and menacing until he got bored and dissapeared from the stage. He came back two minutes later with a chair and a drink. The audience chortled. One of the cheeky Geordie chappies lost his nerve and turned round to see what all the fuss was about and clocked the baddie that was meant to be hiding. The kid walked back to his mortified parents looking very smug. Must've broke his heart when Snow White ate the poison apple and he realised he'd changed nothing.
(Peter Sutcliffe's Right Bollock, Mon 10 Apr 2006, 10:58, Reply)

thePontificator
I seriously hope you live nowhere near me. Those are both crap films but they are nowhere near as big a pile of shit as you and your mates obviously are.

Why is ruining other people's time funny? And what's funny about shouting obscenities at cinema screens during family films?

I hope you choke on your popcorn.
(323232, Mon 10 Apr 2006, 10:27, Reply)

5lab
When I was last at Reading festival, Eminem was getting a great reception (despite really hamming up his claim to have bought a pill off marilyn manson, ooh drugs!). But then I suppose 50 cent is one of those darkies, little wonder he didn't go down well, eh?
( wangmaster2000, Mon 10 Apr 2006, 9:54, Reply)

When I was a kiddie
I went to see a pantomime with Mr Brian Blessed in, and during the sing-a-long bit the words were being lowered and my older sister shouts out 'BEHIND YOU' in a totally silent auditorium, she had a little exchange with Mr Blessed and then had to sing lots
( Neon Blue Ah ha ha haa! I feel positively capital!, Mon 10 Apr 2006, 9:54, Reply)

reading festival, 2004
50 cent have just come on. cue every single bottle in the main arena being thrown in his direction (unfortunately it had been rather soggy - so not as many bottles as usual) and, finally, a camping chair, which hit mr cent himself. the absolute highlight of the (fairly brief) show was the young lad i saw, about 6 or 7 years old. he was sat atop his fathers shoulders, holding up a large sign that read, simply

'your mum cost 50 cent, you cunt'.

ace.
(5lab, Mon 10 Apr 2006, 8:05, Reply)

another one
I was at a student comedy night, with an Aussie compare who was picking on people in the audience. He turns to one person on the front row and asks ' so what is your name sonny', and the reply comes 'Natalie' from this massive Dyke, I have never seen an Aussie embarrassed before and it was funny
( Neon Blue Ah ha ha haa! I feel positively capital!, Mon 10 Apr 2006, 7:28, Reply)

Heckling is abusing someone on stage, not shouting at a movie screen, you muppets
was a a comedy show in Auckland, the comedian told a funny story about a dwarf. Suddenly a dwarf shouts up from the audience, something about it not being funny etc.

To give the comedian his due, he said didn't see him down there, to much amusement (to me anyway).

The dwarf replied that it was his birthday and he had spoilt it.

The comedian feeling a little guilty now then proceeds to get everyone in the audience to sing happy birthday to him.

the only thing is, noone knew his name, and the place erupted, when everyone sutterd then completed the line, happy birthday, dear....dwartf!...

hahaha, had to be there etc.
(CUNextTuesday, Mon 10 Apr 2006, 4:22, Reply)

Velvet Revolver
Me and my mate went to see Velvet Revolver last march (We got front row by the way)

Some shit emo band was opening for them, and between their songs a bloke yells out "Fuck off! I want to party with Slash! Get off the fucking stage!" The lead singer replies "Why don't you come here and say that?"

Cue a full water bottle thrown directly into the lead singers face.

I found it funny.
(Human, Mon 10 Apr 2006, 2:30, Reply)

not really a heckle.....
'twas the first midnight screening of Star Wars : episode 1. Cinema staff dressed up in stomptrooper suits, darth vader directing you to your seat, all very exciting when you're 13. Trailers/adverts finish after what seems an age. Then, the famous words appear on the silver screen once again: "A LONG, LONG TIME AGO, IN A GALAXY FAR, FAR, AWAY......."
dramatic silence.
some wag at the back yells "I think ive seen this before, why did I get up so early!?"
oh how we laughed*

_{* and repeated the gag every time we went to see a Star Wars film}
( Ralph farts in your general direction, Mon 10 Apr 2006, 0:23, Reply)

Free shit rappers in harlow...
Last year me and my mateys found ourselves at the fireworks display lovingly put on by the wonderous town of Harlow. We discovered that the local radio station had a little spot there too with some live music. We go to check it out. Theres some woman there signing, shite but also the amazing MC Bud accompaning. Big hard looking black guy, dancing like an 80 year old woman. They were shite. So naturally we made our way to the front and just stood staring at them. And pointing. they looked a bit freaked. When she tried to get a bit of audience participation going with the awe-inspiring 'lets hear you Harlow massive!' (bearing in mind there was just about 10 middle aged men standing around) the 5 of us allowed a short period of silence to go by and then laughed nice and loudly. the sarcastic cheering, dancing and general 'biggin-up' of the gangstas onstage was magical. they went very quickly once htey were done.

we also grew very attached to the elderly gent stood next to us with a massive camera taking photos, cos this woman liked thrusting forward in her very tiny skirt, and us stood right in front of the stage got a lovely view up it. bring on next year!
(bangbangstoat, Sun 9 Apr 2006, 23:23, Reply)

My Christening - late 80s sometime
the vicar's at the front trying to light this candle with a wooden spill, it finally lights, he turns away and, right on cue, it goes out again. Before he's noticed its gone out my uncle's hopped up on to the alter, got his fag lighter out and relit the bloody thing...
...of course i remember this well
(zertrudetrout, Sun 9 Apr 2006, 22:24, Reply)

Not very on-topic...
but fuck it, i like this story so it's getting posted.

Me and a mate were in a Physics class, "learning" about heat conduction. Now my mate has a couple of younger sisters, about eight and ten.

So, the teacher was using vaseline to stick pins to poles so the vaseline would melt, pins drop etc etc.

My friend though it would be awful funny to comment loudly "Paddy (me) likes to do other things with vaseline" implying that i liked teh bum love.

To which i instantly replied "Yeah, and they involve your sisters!"

He was crushed, i was victorious and the rest of the class were disgusted.

Not proud of the peado-ness involved, just of the sheer speed.


VFM
(Viscous Fridge Magnet Used To Be A Cha-Cha, Sun 9 Apr 2006, 22:11, Reply)

Not me but
this woman i know went to see Brian Adams a while ago. He walks out on stage, plays one song and as the applause dies down the beardy Canadian say "Hi, I'm Brian." to which my friend immediately bellows (being the large lady she is) "AND SO'S MY WIFE!"

About 200 people in the immediate vicinity wet themselves. the rest of them didn't have a clue.

Apparently.
(Armed&Legless, Sun 9 Apr 2006, 21:49, Reply)

Cinema heckles
the usual anti-copyright theft downloading things,

A specific "you wouldn't steal a car" advert comes on, to be greeted with

"I would if i could fucking download one"


This is why i lurk y'see...
( [DTMX] Fishing hook, Sun 9 Apr 2006, 21:27, Reply)

i went to my girlfriends student union...
back in october only to find that Jo (she's got the flo) O'meara, from s-club 7 was singing on stage, it was pretty bad, she sounded like a bad karioke singer, in between songs somebody shouted "i love you Rachel" at her referring to Rachel Stevens the more attractive and successful member from her former band. the whole room started laughing. Jo - obviously flustered forgot the opening lines to the next song - fucking superb!
( You drive like a mong in a dodgem today is, Sun 9 Apr 2006, 21:24, Reply)

Oooh!
Another! Went to see "The Selecter" (shite old ska band) at the Harlow Square in about 2001, and after just about every song someone shouted "do Baggy Trousers!". I'm proud to say I was the first to come out with this genius quip (on the night), and had been planning it for the whole week.
( Tone Depear fucking rocks, Sun 9 Apr 2006, 21:09, Reply)

Cinema
When watching Peter Pan (I wanted to see something else, the guy who invited us out for the evening turned out to have wanted us to keep him company while he tried to pull, so we weren't in a good mood), slightly pissed, in the midst of lots of kids with parents, you can severely offend people by treating the whole thing like it's a pantomime. The idea started when an anti-piracy ad came on and during the solemn 'Piracy is bad' bit at the end me and my mate stood up and yelled:

'Booo! Peter Pan'll get you!'

It was funny cos we were drunk, now that bit is just embarassing but it led to us trying to outdo each other for what offence we could cause. Some of the best were:

(when Ludivine Sagnier appeared as Tinkerbell) 'I've seen her cunt'

And we sang the 'I don't believe in fairies song', which consists in singing the phrase ad infinitum whilst clapping along, so none of the little buggers actuallly die. This basically kept us amused for the entire film while the guy who had wasted our evening failed to succeed in his quest. And I don't think we offended anyone else, we only shouted stuff during the trailers.

We did the same the next year for Narnia, when Madeleine and Gavin won the offence competition with a joint cry of 'Look at the pubes on that horse!'

Unfortunately at that point a hoard of internet users broke into the cinema and raped us.

They made no apologies for length. That'll teach me not to put in exposition in my posts.
(thePontificator, Sun 9 Apr 2006, 20:56, Reply)

Two stories!
I went to see Ross Noble with a few friends, in Cheltenham. We were lucky enough be front row, so naturally I spent most of the time shouting stuff to Mr. Noble. Full conversation ensued, I was most happy. I even managed the two fingered salute to him. He even caled me "unnecessarily chipper", and decided I was obssesed with pencils. I have the first half of the gig as an MP3 to relive the fantastic night :)

6 Nights later, I was front row, again, to see Rich Hall. Some heckling occured, but my the main achievement was stealing his Budwieser bottle at the end of the set, which still remains on my shelf now!
( Addyjoe, Sun 9 Apr 2006, 20:52, Reply)

'head
At a Radiohead gig Thom Yorke said 'We're gonna do an obscure one now', so I shouted out 'Pop is Dead!'

I think he glared at me :D
(thePontificator, Sun 9 Apr 2006, 20:51, Reply)