I wish I could take credit for this:
From Thin Blue Line, something on the lines of:
"If you cock this up, it's my arse on the line. Remember, your cock up, my arse"
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 19:51, 5 replies)

Nice pear?
Not long after I had joined the prison service, I was given the job of handing out the fruit to the prisoners at dinner time. The fruit of the day was the humble pear...
As the new inmate wandered over, I looked him cheerfully in the eye, with said pear in my hands, and said the immortal line "Nice pear?"
He looked straight at my norkage, and said "Yeah, not bad Miss" and wandered off.

It took about 40 minutes for my blush to subside...
( bentalls In my head, I am a ninja, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 19:49, 1 reply)

hooray, remembered one!
I live near a small village called Fishbourne, in which there is a pub called 'The Blackboy Inn'.

Possibly not that funny (maybe mildly racist, I've never been sure...), until driving back from a road trip somewhere we tried to tell my friend behind the wheel where we'd got to.




Resulting in him saying: 'Blackboy Inn my arse.'

Much hilarity ensued...
(beanojam isn't really Ricardo Flange, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 19:46, 1 reply)

Pool
We are lucky enough to have a pool table at work and every lunchtime a group of us gather to play. Underhand tactics have developed over the past few years, the most off-putting being the use of jibes to totally humiliate or plain abuse whoever may be taking their shot. Comments such as "He can't hit that gently, he's got the heavy-handed touch of a rapist" & "You haven't got the kahunas to pull that shot off" are regularly heard banded around the rec room.

Only the other day, when one workmate was lining up to sink an easy black ball, someone called out "Look him in the eye while you finish him off". The room went silent, uncomfortable looks were exchanged, then uncontrollable laughter broke out. Dunno if the black ball was sunk, the game fell by the wayside after that...
(Grobie, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 19:43, Reply)

oo-er vicar
Whilst still at college, me and a few mates developed a habit of saying "oo-er vicar" everytime one of us said something that could be construed as innuendo, the phrase "oo-er vicar" would be uttered. This was truncated to just "vicar". And vicar was called when the innuendos/innuendoes/innuendi became more and more contrived.
The notable was when a mate was leaving my house late one night, and I pointed to the moon and said "look, the moon is gibbous". He called vicar, and I asked him to explain. His reply?
"Well, gibbous sounds a bit like gibbon and you could do things with a gibbon"

I never did find out what he meant by 'things', but I imagine if he tried, said ape would just rip his arm off.

Subtlety is my middle name.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 19:42, Reply)

my friend Sue
On a long car journey in the US, we were talking about Grand Theft Auto. She was saying that she liked to quote Terminator 2 'That's a nice bike' before she "whacked them off."

When we all stared at her giggling, she realised what he had said, so quickly justified it with the addition of "with my hands!"
( Loz I'm still here., Thu 12 Jun 2008, 19:42, Reply)

Halley's comet
Ever since I was a nipper I was facinated with all things astronomical. Halley's comet made its last appearance in 1986, when I was 17, so the night when NASA sent its Giotto probe into the comets tail and beamed back pictures, I was glued to the TV. My parents were out for the evening, but when they returned were eager to hear all about what the comet looked like.

"well, it seems to be mosly made of ice, and its shaped like a penis....erm....peanut, yes peanut, PEANUT"

my mum just pretended she hadnt heard, my dad had his back to me and was shaking almost uncontrollably whilst pouring himself a whisky.
(Lionel Tiger, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 19:41, 2 replies)

You could always count on Deb.......
... for some pearlers! She was a team leader when I joined the company I still work for, about 15 years ago (shudder!). Two really stand out as examples of how someone can shoot first and feel the consequences later.

Now, Deb didn't have an office - just a large open desk near her team. One morning she was to have a short meeting with a product manager named Neil. So she emailed her team thusly: "Team - just to let you know I will be having Neil at my desk at 9am."
Pure class.

The second happened a year or so later. There was a decision to have team mascots. Hers was a plastic banana called Narny. And Narny was always having adventures - being stolen by other teams, taken away on trips, appearing in the most unusual places and photographed being held by famous people. One day Deb was obviously discussing this with a colleague and I walked in at the right moment to hear her say: "It never ceases to amaze me just how much fun can be had with a $2 plastic banana!"

The place hasn't been the same since she left.....
(Sebulba continues to fight evil with evil....., Thu 12 Jun 2008, 19:36, Reply)

Bin Dun yet? If not, I'm losing faith in you all.
Went round to my mate's house last week. He offered me a drink, so I followed him through into the kitchen. As I did, I bumped into his hi-fi, which just happened to be playing Queen's last proper album.
That was when I last accidentally walked into Innuendo.

Length? Well, a good 5 days short for this sort of crap.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 19:36, 1 reply)

OK, but should it be that colour?
During a science lesson MJP89 was looking under the table at another friend, Iain's, lap. The class was understandably shocked when MJP exclaimed, 'Wow, it's really big'.

Turns out he was just looking at pictures of The Statue of Liberty from a recent trip to New York.

Iain tried to apologise for length but unfortunately came before he finished the sentence.
(Martin1337 was trying and failing to be funny at, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 19:31, Reply)

100th anniversary of the school being on the site it's at.
They had a photo display up in the library. On a board with pictures from the camera club, they had "Take me from my best angle."
Then again, I think the librarian's just obsessed with sex: Lady Chatterley's Lover is in the Childrens' Classics section.
(Pretty strangers and promises, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 19:24, Reply)

College dinner
Dessert was Black Forest gateau, which of course had a glacé cherry on top. I loathe cherries.

Ninety students make a lot of noise, so my voice, not normally very quiet in any case, was raised a notch so that those around me could hear me.

It was just my bad luck, I suppose, that one of those random silences fell just as I poked my fork in the offending sugar-preserved fruit, so that the entire year heard me ask, loudly and cheerily, "Anybody want my cherry?"
(miffytherabbit, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 19:23, Reply)

about ten years ago
I was doing backstage work at the school musical - meant 6 whole weeks of no class and playing golf on the Apple, while pretending to get prompts and props correct.

The first night of the musical (a 2-night show, South Pacific if I remember), a group of us were picked up by the teacher in charge of the backstage, since we all lived near each other.

Getting into the car, I attempted to put on my seatbelt. Discovering I couldn't (stupid "middle belt for middle seat only" type design), I said: "I couldn't find my thing, and when I did find it, it didn't work"

Much laughing ensued - and I didn't get the joke at first
(bamboozled Can hear you getting fatter, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 19:19, Reply)

years ago..
..talking about musical instruments with some friends.

Conversation stopped after this gem.

"Well, MY dad has a massive organ"
(inflateable, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 19:13, Reply)

No...
...In YOUR endo.

*runs*
(Guilt wants to get in your moist confines, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 19:10, 2 replies)

Reasonably
obscure but well-meaning conductor rehearsing 'The Planets' Suite by Holst with the Philharmonia orchestra, around 10 years ago.

After working fairly intensively he asked the orchestra cheerily and very innocently if he could have a look at the hairy bits in Uranus.
(Essence of Wombat, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 19:04, Reply)

the security department loved me
I was working at a Best Buy a few years ago and managed to set off the entire Loss Prevention department with one accidental statement. Me: female, 18 years old, big boobs, long red hair, tight blue Best Buy polo. Loss Prevention dept: entirely male, entirely aged 20 to 24 and single, all my good friends with a lot of flirtation on the side.

I walked up to the security station, into the middle of a department-wide conversation regarding gum vs. candy. My horrified brain saw it coming but couldn't put on the brakes fast enough as my mouth proudly proclaims, "I don't see the point of putting anything in my mouth if I can't swallow it."

Oooooooh yeah, the LP guys loved me. >.<
(fai is rocking khaz modan server as of, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 19:02, Reply)

Ivor Biggun, or so it would seem
Last year I was buying some bread, a HUGE baguette-ish thing, about 2.5feet long and at least 10inches thick. After I had paid for it, the girl started to put it into a paper bag, but it was too big. She was taking a while, so the manager came over and asked what was going on, her reply:
"okyakusama no mono wa, ookikute hairanai!"
"The customers item is too big and it won't go in!"
(sounds a bit odd translated from Jap, but it was great at the time)
(Mr.Dog was in love again on, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 18:57, 2 replies)

Bit poo, cos er, it's not actually happened...
but similar to naming your dog "Syndrome" - "down Syndrome!" etc - I always wanted to own a racehorse called "My Face".

COME ON MY FACE! is what I might say towards the end of an enthralling race.
(bacontrout got ska, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 18:50, Reply)

I went on a Subway run for various members of staff one night at work, one of the girls asked me to get her a Footlong as she was paricularly hungry.

At the end of the shift, cleaning down the bar her stomach started rumbling...

"You can't possibly be hungry you had a footlong sub on your break" Says I...

"I knooow, i can't believe i managed a 12 incher and it hardly touched the sides" was her naive reply.

None of us can keep straight faces when she asks for a Subway sandwich now.
( Mister B is eating an icanhazcheezburger with lmaonaise, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 18:50, Reply)

After a fair few pages of this QOTW
It's starting to get a little boring. Most QOTW replies contain a fair amount of innuendo anyway, regardless of the question. It's a bit like asking "What terrible puns have you heard recently?" (Dear God, I hope they never use that suggestion. If so, I'll have to commit ritual Hari-Kari with a porcupine for suggesting it).

Anyone else getting tired of the endless 'It was a long one', 'She asked me to get it out', 'We sucked on it all night' japery, or is it just me?
(Pavlov's Frog figures no-one really reads sigs anyway, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 18:48, 4 replies)

wacky races
penelope pitstop has a button in that car marked "vibrator". she pulls it and a big grin comes all over her face.

the dirty pink bitch!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 18:33, 7 replies)

Where Ancrenne used to work
You could hire wine glasses and long glasses for cocktails. You could also hire pitchers in which to mix your Pimms. This was a free service, but of course there was a small (refundable) charge.

Or, as my boss said, to a rather charming, and amply bosomed young lady, 'there's a deposit on your jugs'.
( Ghoti Fingers, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 18:21, 3 replies)

Lifts
Once a few moons ago I was in Uxbridge doing a bit of shopping.
when the wife and I had finished we made our way to the lifts, once inside an old lady joined us, and as you all know the lift rule, smile and make space, we all made eye contact and I did the bloke thing and pressed the numbers.
Anyway the lift stops on the upper level and a black family get in, once smiles and space is made, a few buttons are pressed and up we go.
Now this being a saturday the lift was stopping at every floor and people had given up and must have used the stairs instead of waiting for the lift. Now on the 4th floor the black family get out and as I peered out to see the floor number, as I could not for the life of me remember what floor we had parked on, turned to my wife and said "Jesus they all look the bloody same"
Well she went red and the old lady went from sweet to stone and jumped out at the next floor even though it was not her floor.
Me being Me was oblivious and as soon as the old lady got out my wife turned to me all pissed off and said "I cant believe you would say something that racist and have no shame"
Well it took a while for me to explain that I was talking about every floor looking the same as the next.
Thank god she believed me!
Thanks
(BobbyLove, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 18:19, Reply)

I used to be a receptionist at a medical office
One afternoon, my co-worker and I were discussing how some insurance companies had been adjusting their clients' coverage. Some of our patients had their raise quite a bit while others had seen a drop and either way, it meant possibly taking a different approach when it came to scheduling treatments and billing.

One gentleman came to our desk, his new policy in hand. My co-worker -- a dignified lady in her early 50s -- examined his paperwork and exclaimed 'Oh my, doesn't he have a big one?'

The fellow in question and I both burst out laughing and my co-worker was able to have a laugh herself once the embarrassment wore off and I'd explained what she'd meant. To the patient's credit, he took to referring to himself as 'the one with the big policy'.
(louveciennes , Volvospotter, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 18:19, Reply)

So I turned on my TV
and The Great British Body was on, somewhere near the end when they were asking the participants what they thought about being televised naked on a hill and described as "part of a testicle". One womans' contribution:

"I was a bit worried about by big bum but then I thought 'Oh, Bugger it'". Cue fits of hysterics at this being shown on TV and having to rewind it for my housemate. Who, unfortunately, didn't get it

Neither did they get what was so funny about a scene in Gladiators (classic)- just after the putting-balls-in-baskets event the american winner decided it was a good idea to attribute it to his family.
"I did so well because I just thought of each of the baskets as a member of my family. And I was trying to get as many balls into my family members as possible"...

Oh, lordy...
( uberdeity Wondered why Owen Lars knew of the term "hell" on, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 18:13, Reply)

Where to start?
So many over the years due to being a blabbermouth fucktard partial to the odd shandy. We'll start with this one:

I was chatting to a very nice young lady in a bar on New Year's Eve a few years back while drinking champagne. It was all going rather well until she popped the second bottle and a load of it flew out and landed in my eye. It hurt like a bastard. I was moved to exclaim, "Christ, it's like getting spunk in your eye!" She fucked RIGHT off.

Not so much innuendo as just a fucking stupid thing to say.
(Crowtyboy, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 18:12, Reply)

Down boy!
When I was much younger, our family had a large brown and white dog called Hector who would hump anything. His favourite target was the neighbour's dog Meg. One sunny day, Hector had disappeared, and the neighbour was round visitng mum and dad for coffee. I was sent toget Hector, and found him pounding away at Meg, with lots of snarling from him, and eye-popping from her. I tried to part them, but couldn't so ran home to inform my parents and neighbour.

'Mum, dad, I found Hector, and shouted come Hector, come! But he wouldn't!'

The adults fell about laughing, and it took me a further 10 years to realises why...
( ascorbate, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 18:08, Reply)

Not a moment ago...
One of my colleagues shouted over the office, "Tim, have you sorted out that problem with your widget yet?"

fnar fnar
( mrlogic is copying your beard, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 18:08, Reply)