Birdy num nums
My mum was once given some bird feed (consisting of nuts and seeds) by a pleasant old man living in our hamlet in Oxfordshire. Mum loved her birds dearly (especially the great tits) and having seen her birds enjoy the mix heartily was keen to express her gratitude. She didn't, however, think this through when, one day, she saw Mr Griffin walking past and yelled "Oh Mr griffin, you she see my tits on your nuts". Oops.
(Prinskipper Skipple, Wed 18 Jun 2008, 17:37, Reply)

Perfectly good excuse
And while I am posting...

My friend used to work at a recruitment agency. One afternoon one of his colleagues had a meeting with a candidate. Unfortunately they couldn't make it. But at least they sent a polite email explaining why:

-----Original Message-----
From:
Sent: 29 September 2006 10:34
To:
Subject:

I have an appoitment with you this afternoon at 4.30 I am unable to attend sorry for the short notice but I was rear ended last night and I am very sore today and unable to drive, or even sit properly

regards

Julie
( Super Grover Time machine..?I haven't invented any time machine, Wed 18 Jun 2008, 16:57, 2 replies)

Hot and sweaty
It was the hot summer of 2003 and I was playing my friend at pro-evolution on the PS2. I was getting very sweaty hands playing the game and my fingers kept slipping off the buttons.

After conceding yet another goal, I reached breaking point which I loudly and angrily expressed with the cry of:

"Fcuk my hot sweaty fingers!!"

To which my mate gave me a rather horrified look and politely declined.
( Super Grover Time machine..?I haven't invented any time machine, Wed 18 Jun 2008, 16:53, Reply)

I'm sure this must happen a lot in IT
Taking requirements for website with a data collection element, when the client's lead developer stated:

"I think it's best if I just take one large dump every evening"

Impossible not to laugh so hard we had to leave the room. Not the most professional conduct, granted.
(kidcamel is due to call your mum at, Wed 18 Jun 2008, 16:47, Reply)

I'm sorry, it just slipped out
Having a sense of humour that sits somewhere toward the puerile end of the scale is, apparently, no excuse for giggling like a 10 year old* who's just discovered that there are birds called tits, when having told a colleague that you'll fill them in later. This is seemingly made worse if you simultaneously pretend to shoot them with your fingers and wink while saying it.

Why does my brain make me act like such a cock sometimes? I am fucking bored today, but really, that's no excuse.





*or a 32 year old who should be far more grown up by now
( Moey, Wed 18 Jun 2008, 16:34, Reply)

I witnessed a car accident
A chap crashed into a barrier at a roundabout. 2 families who were walking past, the Smith family and the Ball family, came to his aide.

Thankfully he was pulled out by the Smiths.

*Nods to the Two Ronnies*
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Wed 18 Jun 2008, 16:20, Reply)

I once ran naked through a church.
They caught me by the organ.


Is 100%, honest-to-God, false.

Awful as it is, at least it's not another in-your-end-oh.
( uberdeity Wondered why Owen Lars knew of the term "hell" on, Wed 18 Jun 2008, 16:11, Reply)

I was once bought a box of cheap perry for a party
I was shocked.



Shocked and appalled.
( __, Wed 18 Jun 2008, 16:07, 4 replies)

Once there was a really fit girl opposite me on a train
and I said to her "I'd love to put my DICK in between your TITS and have SEX WITH YOUR TITS"

I didn't realise what that sounded like until after I raped her. Silly me!
( __, Wed 18 Jun 2008, 16:03, 9 replies)

getting a little bit dry in here
what about this diving club in donegal

www.muffdivingclub.ie/
(little lord muthafuckin fauntleroy, Wed 18 Jun 2008, 15:59, 2 replies)

Their's a pub in Saltaire, Bradford called Fanny's
And I got countless giggles on Saturday when my friends asked what I was doing that evening. I'm really used to the place and the name so it doesn't set me off much anymore, my mates however we're in stitches when I told them "I'm going to Fanny's tonight - it's great!". It is actually - they do the best ales in Bradford and love sending themselves up....they once did a beer called `Fanny's Juice'. Sweet.
( DUMBLONDE is a rubber lover girl, Wed 18 Jun 2008, 15:28, 2 replies)

This just came in my in box......
Here are 12 of the finest (unintentional) Double-entendres ever aired on British TV and radio.

1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - ' And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria .. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing! '

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - ' Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him. '

3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - ' This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother. '

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn ' t that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew. '

5. US PGA Commentator - ' One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ...... Oh my god!! What have I just said?? '

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on ' Time Team Live ' said: ' You ' d eat beaver if you could get it. '

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn ' t, turned to the weatherman and asked, ' So Bob, where ' s that eight inches you promised me last night? ' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday. '

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: ' There ' s nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. '

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: ' Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis ' s misses every chance he gets. '

11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1 ' s UK eclipse coverage remarked: ' They seem cold out there, they ' re rubbing each other and he ' s only come in his shorts. '

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: ' Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself. '
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Wed 18 Jun 2008, 15:25, 44 replies)

Oh, all right then... John goes to a party
Today, John is going to a birthday party. John is very excited, John likes parties.

See John put on his gold Matador outfit with red brocade and a frilly white shirt.

Janet asks "Is it a fancy-dress party John?"

"No" says John, "if It was, I would have dressed up specially".

Do you think John is a fop? Janet does. See Janet rolling her eyes. Clever Janet.

See John put on his cape and hat.

Janet says, "have a nice time at the party - and you know what will happen if you don't behave?"

See John feel his bruises.

John waves to Janet and walks down the road to the party.

When John arrives at the party there is lots of music and dancing. There are sausage-rolls, pies, cakes, Tizer and green jelly. John likes green jelly - see John's beard go a funny colour.

Melanie Frontage has found some whisky and has to go home early.

After the food the girls start the karaoke. John likes karaoke. Janet says John has a voice like a goose in a mangle. Funny Janet. John even sings a song on the garden swing with two of the girls - what fun.

Soon it is time to go home. John skips down the road swinging his party bag.

When John gets home Janet is doing some ironing. "Hello Janet", says John.

"Did you have a nice time at the party?", says Janet.

"Yes" says John. After the food, Melanie Frontage had to go home when she'd had some Teachers liquor on the sideboard.

"Then the girls got out some magnificent hits, and lined them up on the table to see which ones we liked best. Some of them were a bit long, but there were two that I knew I could handle".

"First I did 'All kinds of everything' with Mrs. Dempsey. Then Mrs. Mason, Mrs. Durrington and I did 'my favourite things' on the garden swing and got a big round of applause".

Do you know which steam setting you should use to iron out troublesome wrinkles? Janet does.

Hear the screams.

Poor John.


I take absolutely no credit for these at all. They're the work of a much more disturbed individual than I
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 18 Jun 2008, 14:53, 5 replies)

Maternal potty mouth.
My mum once accidentally called my sister a twat. She didn't even realise until we pointed it out to her. I think she was aiming for twit and it came out wrong.

Twas funny though.
( girlinthehole, Wed 18 Jun 2008, 14:52, 12 replies)

I had an Italian flatmate.
His name was Al. He used to do bum rape on me and call it an accident.
(bazmorningstar efil4nat3b, Wed 18 Jun 2008, 14:38, 4 replies)

Mindless vandalism
When the Soviet Union was broken up, and its constituent republics all looked for more cordial relations with the West, the United Nations decided to establish a token foothold in some of these new states. Usually this amounted to nothing more than a rented office in a dingy tower block, but in Estonia the new government generously offered the use of a modest but well-maintained 18th Century house on the edge of the capital. One day, however, a local resident, bitter at his living conditions post-Communism, and, needless to say, full of vodka, climbed the fence surrounding the courtyard, and decided to vent his rage by grabbing a hatchet left by a careless gardener and swinging it with all his might at the statue of a female deer that formed the impressive centrepiece of the courtyard.

These days you could say that it's an axe-y dent Talinn UN doe...
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Wed 18 Jun 2008, 14:28, Reply)

What the hell, it deserves a mention...

( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Wed 18 Jun 2008, 14:22, 12 replies)

American flatmate
At uni, going out for an evening cigarette. Mentioned to impressionable excitable just-off-the-plane-for-first-time-in-another-country merkin flatmate that we were (as we put on our long overcoats) "going out to smoke a fag".

Much cultural misunderstanding, and horror/hilarity ensued.

Apologies for length, but they were Dunhill Internationals in my posing intellectual days...
( prince-igor si tacuisses, philosophus mansisses, Wed 18 Jun 2008, 14:18, 17 replies)

College common room
Said room had a tv and ps2 setup, Fifa game was on. A close friend playing as England, keeper saves a rather good shot, a cry echos throughout the room followed quickly by the sound of 20 or so people chortling with laughter.

The excited cry from my friend: "I LOVE SEAMAN!".

Good times.

No apologies, however my sunburn is prickly.
(buzzmong procrastinating since 1987, Wed 18 Jun 2008, 14:16, Reply)

Push it up, you muscular beast, all the way!
Since I was about 14 or so, with varying levels of commitment, I've lifted weights.

For a couple of years, back in the late 90s, my best pal, N, got into it as well. He bought a decent weights bench and an impressive collection of equipment, and set it all up in his bedroom at his parents house.

We started working out together over at his place. It's always better to train with someone else who can motivate you, 'spot' you and so on.

This one day, a Friday afternoon, we decided to go quite heavy so we'd feel all buffed and manly when we went to the pub later. We stuck to the basic, 'big' exercises like Shoulder Press, Bench Press Squatting (fnaar) etc.

This was a bench press day and we'd been doing well recently so, after some lighter, warm-up sets, we loaded up the bar with a total of 130kg. Quite formidable pressing for two actually rather nerdish fellas with limited social skills.

We was going for five repititions (presses) each per turn. Two was comfortable, four an effort and five was a real screamer. We would shout abuse/encouragement at each other as we lifted. Pretty standard practice.

This was a warm day, the windows were open and I was shouting extra loud as N. had decided to try for a sixth rep. Just as the barbell had landed back in its hold on the bench, N's bedroom door exploded open, his mum standing there with a slightly crazed look on her face.

N's hands were still on the bar, the ends sagged with the weight it held, I stood at the back having guided his last rep back safely. She took this in and then her features sofetened considerably... She spoke:

"Oh, you were very loud, I was talking to Sandra next door in the front garden... we could hear you... It sounded like you was... Erm. Nothing. Dinner will be in an hour."

Briefly confused it then occured to us that his mum had been outside having a pleasant surburban chat with her counterpart next door, probably about the weather and National Trust days out, when she would've misinterpreted my shouts of encouragement to her son:



"C'MON!!! NEARLY THERE!!! GET IT UP!!! PUSH! PUSH! PUSH! HARD!!" Etc


Yes, my friends mother had assumed that her muscular, vest wearing son and his friend had decided to become rampant bumsexualists and broadcast their sweaty love to the neighbourhood.


Later, after the pub, I fucked him in the arse.*


Length? Six foot with 65 kilos on each end. Beat that.

*Not really.
( sir_spicious2000 Crap I've watched: www.filmplop.blogspot.com/, Wed 18 Jun 2008, 14:16, 2 replies)

Surely someone must have noticed?
"What shall we call this business of ours then, Bob?"

"I don't know, John... We're an the Services Sector I guess. That's a start."

"Hmm... Let me think about that one. That reminds me, what should we name the subdivision responsible for extracting subterrainian oil?"

See the amusing (and 100% genuine) results here

Arf.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Wed 18 Jun 2008, 14:02, 5 replies)

Right lets see what we can do here
Friend of mine was a member of a fairly obscure french right wing party circa 1964-1968.

I daresay some sort of hilarious backstory ensued which distracted you from the conclusion which is that he fell in an enormous buck of piss.

Closing remarks are that when he did so he uttered a catchprase made popular by Homer Simpson.

So we have

Occident In Urine Doh!

Errrrrm

Right, Man driving a car, the man's name is Ollie, normally referred to as O by his mates.

Car gets rear ended by another car. The car that hits him was coloured by a pigment made from an iron oxide, coming in four colours, yellow, red, purple and brown, the first three are chemically identical but vary in the heat used to produce them, the forth is slightly different in chemical make up.

Hence the shout from his mate as to the state of his car was

Ochre Dent In Your End O!

That'll do for now.

I have an enormous penis etc.
( Bazongaloid, Wed 18 Jun 2008, 14:01, 6 replies)

I have been reminded by the country folk below...
"Oh my god - it stinks of rape in here" declared my mum, shutting the windows of my bedroom... whilst being watched, horrified, by the new man in my life - who was a towny, and didnt realise that she was referring to the smell from the harvest of the rapeseed outside the back garden.
(Kaplaaah Wasting time on the net since 1994., Wed 18 Jun 2008, 13:57, Reply)

Surf Shop
When I was a lad there used to be a well known surf shop by the name of 'Fat Willies'

I remember seeing a car sticker with the proud proclamation 'I LOVE FAT WILLIES'

hee hee :)
( SpikeyPickle wishes he was mabazaritchie, Wed 18 Jun 2008, 13:56, 8 replies)

Football headline
"Seaman spoils clean sheet"

Also

"Seaman lobbed from half-way line"
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Wed 18 Jun 2008, 13:49, Reply)

Beaver
There's a watersports equipment company called Beaver that we regularly use. Every so often they'll send along small promo freebies with orders.

Cue the arrival of a car sticker, proclaiming loudly and very conspicuously:

Deep down, I'm a Beaver Diver!

I laughed until I wee'd
(micromassive Saw the Fnord on, Wed 18 Jun 2008, 13:43, 1 reply)

Not me.... but...
My hairdresser politely informed me that my other half had gone to his appointment last week, and announced to the shop that he was there for his "cut and blowjob".
(Kaplaaah Wasting time on the net since 1994., Wed 18 Jun 2008, 13:28, Reply)

Not me but a member of our quiz team
When reading the questions out said orgasm instead of organism and quick as a flash someone heckled:

"One of those things your girlfriends never had?"

I thought that was pretty good

meh
(PieEater, Wed 18 Jun 2008, 13:18, 2 replies)

School based capers
Whilst talking with my sixth form English tutor, he went off on some missive about reading aloud and how useful it was. He then proclaimed whilst sat on my desk 'I do it regularly'...this caused me to snigger inside, but I felt I could hold it in...he then continued 'with year 9'...at this point, I pissed myself laughing and couldn't stop for about 20 minutes. The strange thing was, he sat there and pretended he hadn't understood that he'd just confessed to being a paedophile.
(badgermonkey007, Wed 18 Jun 2008, 13:16, Reply)