Update on my ISP moan
Here - b3ta.com/questions/offtopic/post674127 I moaned about Pipex sending me a bill for something I didn't believe I owed. I wrote to them as I was advised and they wrote back saying "yep you owe us £128" no explanation of what it was or why it existed.

I just tried to call them, but they've changed their data protection questions to things I don't know as I left the account 2 years ago, so now they won't speak to me and I can't pay them even if I wanted to. The script monkey on the end of the phone could not see the irony of this.

Massive massive cunts!

ALt Q - What's better "The North" or "The South"?
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 14:38, 135 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

FUCKING COW CUNTS.
Fucking methane emitting farty cunts, so they are.

Use this thread to insult our bovine enemies. Or any other animal, for that matter.
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 14:02, 128 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I just got my wedding invite from Al and its made me go a little teary
First off I had to pay £1.19 to get it as he buggered up the postage - I'll take it back in bacon though - then I got a papercut on the knuckle of my thumb as I was trying to undo it. It's an extremely stylish origami type hinese finger dragon affair and I'm not ashamed to say it made me grin like a loon when I saw it.

What's made you a little misty eyed lately?

Alt Q, who is the biggest cunt here and why?
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 12:04, 95 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

RAWR
My bloke is going to a rave type festival in a couple of weeks and the theme is Jurassic. If you have the best costume you get free entry next year, so I've been instructed to help him come up with an awesome costume.

You get points for originality, but when I suggested he cover himself in engine oil and go naked for crude oil puns, he wasn't having it. Any ideas Off Topicers (Otters?)

*please note, I have to make this costume so we'll have nothing too constructively elaborate please!

EDIT: Forgot the alt question: what's the best or worst fancy dress costume you've ever seen?
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 11:22, 53 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

AWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOGA
At the weekend I had a conversation spaning several hours about the logistics of botoxing the scotum (Scrotox, which does exist, albeit as a joke) and if you stretched the skin out of a bollock would it be the same area as our friends face.

Would you ever consider cosmetic surgery on your bits? I am fully aware I am setting myself up pretty well here so all the mean people can be mean about my beautiful vagina
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 10:18, 82 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

DARTH FOXTROT IS GAY
Mwahahaha!
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 8:06, 13 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Man it's quiet tonight
apart from the raging argument going on in b69's thread, at least.

Today has been a near perfect day, with sun and a stroll through the grounds of Cragside House with the family. I now have wine. My day is only slightly sullied by the fact that I know Clendrix will be upset offline because the footy didn't go her way. I like Clendrix, she bakes nice things, sometimes using the contents of my kitchen like some demented Masterchef contestant. Equally, however, I know that this result will please Tightly and al, both of whom are fine chaps what I also know and like IRL. The miles that seperate us are a source of constant annoyance to me.

I therefore declare myself to be neutral on the matter of today's result, in the hope that I don't upset anyone online. How was your day?
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Sun 11 Apr 2010, 20:30, 92 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Four Favourite Franks
Sidebottom
Gehry
ie Howerd
Cannon (A Quinn Martin Production)
(Cave Duck, Sun 11 Apr 2010, 17:14, 14 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Anyone here know anything about wireless networks?
I'm getting very frustrated with mine.
Full question in replies.
( WormuIus, Sun 11 Apr 2010, 13:27, 14 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I have some friends coming over tonight
and I decided to see to some things. My brother and his ex lived here before me and since I moved in two years ago, there has been a black bin by the side of the door. I have never really paid it much mind before but today I decided to move it. I was not happy to dicover that it had a bin bag in it. I was even less happy to discover that the bin was half full of nasty, stinking, stagnant water. I tipped the bin over to get the water out and the bag half came with it. I say "half came" because the plastic of the bag caught on the metal handle and ripped. In the hole I could see something blue.

In between retchings, I nudged the bag around with my foot, so the bag's share of filthy water could drain out of the hole. As the water poured out, the blue object shifted and poked out of the hole.

"My", I thought to myself, "that looks an awful lot like an erect penis."

You know when you've had a bad day and some tosser says "cheer up, it might never happen", or "it could be worse", or "at least you,ve never stumbled across somebody else's discarded, filth-covered dildo"? Well, I now have an answer for them.

Because it was an old vibrator, covered in effluvia and all but winking at me as the helmet-end saw its first dose of sunlight for at least two years. To cap it all off, I am absolutely dead certain as to who it belonged to.

So, what discoveries did you make this week?
( Kroney, Sat 10 Apr 2010, 13:12, 10 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

So we were eating breakfast at the guest house "Grosik" this morning and planning a trip to Warszawa tomorrow when...
kiddies tv was interupted by the breaking news.
The Polish President, his wife and 130 other politicians, military types and hangers-on have been killed in a plane crash in Smolensk, Russia.
Well that's the trip to Warszawa fucked!
Similar thing happened four and a bit years ago when the roof of a sports centre in Katowice collapsed due to snow, killing a bunch of pigeon fanciers.
It feels like i'll never get to see the (allegedly) splendid views from the top of the Palac Kultury.

Grrrrrrr!

What international tragedies have fucked with your holiday plans?
( blaireau69 , the Cumbrian Travis Bickle., Sat 10 Apr 2010, 12:44, 77 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Anybody a fan of Godspeed You! Black Emperor?
The band will be playing at and curating the All Tomorrow's Parties music festival in the UK in December 2010.

They have also announced their intentions to play a handful of British and European shows - these dates are yet to be announced.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Sat 10 Apr 2010, 10:14, 7 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I must say
that this giving up smoking lark is a lot easier than people make out. Do I get a croissant?

What have you found easy that you were led to believe was incredibly hard? Zero points for 'your mum', although to be fair mine wouldn't put up much of a fight, being dead and all.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 9 Apr 2010, 17:32, 37 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Warren Zevon is good when your feeling a bit broken.
Well, I went to the doctor
I said, "i'm feeling kind of rough..."
"Let me break it to you son,
you're shit's fucked up!"
I said, "My shit's fucked up?!
Well, I don't see how!"
He said, "The shit that used to work,
won't work now!"

I had a dream; aw shucks, oh well
Now its all fucked up, its shot out to hell
yea-eah, my shit's fucked up
It has to happen to the best of us
The rich folk suffer like the rest of us
It'll happen to you.

That amazing grace
Thought it passed you by
You wake up every day, and you start to cry
You want to die
But you just can't quit

Let me break it on down
It's the fucked up shit
yeah, my shit's fucked up.
Fucked up.

(We had storms last night and now my broken ankle is aching. Fuck, is this going to keep happening for the rest of my life?)

EDIT: here's a copy of it: www.youtube.com/watch?v=qV6E0KYiMmM
( Wanderer, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 15:49, 96 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

How much voting power do you have?
Stolen from the newsletter
www.voterpower.org.uk/

I have .950 votes in my constituency
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 14:49, 99 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I've got an audition for The Weakest Link next week
The researcher asked me if I'd be able to handle being slagged off by Anne Robinson. I assured her that Anne wouldn't have any comments which I hadn't already heard from my friends a hundred times, and yes, I was aware that my Ballroom and Ballet habits are going to be highlighted on national TV.

My friends have supportively pointed out that I'm going to get called a bumder on national TV. The guy I DJ with has even offered to sample the moment she does it and mix it into some Pendulum to play at our night.

Has anyone got any INVENTIVE insults that Anne Robinson might come up with for me, so I can practice deflection?
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 14:37, 79 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I'm on my phone on a train
Your ridiculously long threads are hurting my thumb. Al and djtp are DEAD to me. And so is anyone else who laughed. And Monty for calling me a tea-leaf. Camel and Kitty will not suffer my wrath.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 13:40, 132 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

This totally doesn't warrant it's own thread but
we are going to start making boxes for Buckfast Wine! I am really trying to get an invite to go see the crazy monks!

This would not have excited me half as much had it not been for b3ta. What excites you more since becoming a b3tan? Minus 5 points for "rape".
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 12:52, 127 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I HAVE A NEW THREAD
This story
news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/8609354.stm
has got me thinking of my millionaire idea.

A singles bar that is also a STI clinic.
Go, tested for Chlamydia, then get drunk and go on the pull.

There is nothing wrong with this idea at all.

edit: Alt Question, have you got Chlamydia?
(PsychoChomp, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 12:20, 43 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I'm not a huge fan of Dr Who
but the question that has to be asked is. If he turned up on your doorstep with an offer to see the universe, would you go?

Or alternatively what are your weekend plans
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 11:59, 56 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Christ on a bike. No more 'celebrity wanking rhymes' please,
WEEKEND PLANS? Dull, perhaps, but less irritating to my sensitive, artistic temperament.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 11:59, 60 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Reveal In Rhyme The Masturbatory Habits Of Rich And/Or Famous
I must confess that this is subject I tried on the talk board before I knew this place existed. It bombed and I'm not sure whether that was because things turn over so quickly on there or whether it's just a shit thread. It does feel like I'm being hugely egotistical in thinking it's worth another go, but I think it might be the sort of daft challenge that QOTW users may wish to participate in. Anyway

Eartha Kitt - rubs her clit

Steven Berkoff - loves to jerk off

Pixie Lott - likes a frot

Jennifer Jason Leigh - Cigar case, angry bee
(Cave Duck, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 10:34, 148 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

la la la
Annoy-o girl keeps humming the Go Compare music which is incredibly hard to block out. What annoying advert themes do you have stuck in your head.

Alternativey who would win in a fight between David Dickenson, Kevid McCloud, Gok Wan and a goat?
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 9:50, 78 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Morning, wankers!
And what a delightful morning it is here in the dullest part of north London. I'm hoping for a nice low-stress day followed by a beer with my excellent brother in Camden later. How's Friday looking for you?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 8:35, 196 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

After five months of unemployment...
I have a job offer! Less pay than my old role, but if I hit the targets then there's a £750 pay rise every quarter.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 18:17, 13 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

It's a pleasant, if slightly cloudy day.
The sun is trying its best to poke out, the air is warm, there's a mild breeze and the birds are singing away.

So what did I come home to? Sweary Jr hunched over the computer, chatting away to his mates on MSN. Honestly, what's wrong with hanging around bus shelters during the Easter holidays?
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Thu 8 Apr 2010, 17:32, 41 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

AWOOOOOOOOOOGA
BGB's thread wins the day.

However I am now too lazy to hunt thorugh looking for new posts. Also I had it pointed out to me that it looked like I love people who ignore Flim and that's not what I meant :( I just liked the idea of a man stood in the window with a big hand scrawled sign saying ignore and pointing at the office opposite. What do you like the idea of?
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 16:04, 87 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Yesterday I had a dimmer switch fitted to my kitchen lights which made me all happy inside.
What little things have made you feel happy recently?
( girlinthehole, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 14:15, 183 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

HEADFUCK.
Mentalex (tm) has just texted me to tell me she's pregnant by some bloke she split up with a couple of weeks ago. I didn't know she was seeing anyone, not that I would have cared unless my daughter started calling him 'daddy', but I feel decidedly odd about it all.

For a start, why has she turned to me for advice? I feel desperately sorry for her and I really shouldn't. All I could say was that if she went through with the pregnancy I wouldn't treat her other child differently from mine, as in if I were taking my daughter to (say) the zoo, they'd both be welcome etc.

What am I supposed to say? And why am I bothered by this?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 13:09, 171 replies, latest was 16 years ago)