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(

rob, Sun 1 Apr 2001, 1:00)

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So I was in Boots just and I noticed that you can buy
JLS jonnies.
Seriously.

Then I saw JLS dolls in the toy shop.

What is going on with the world?
(

Mrs Entity is in hiding., Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:00, 268 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

I saw this too
If you are a boy who's into the lay-dees (and probably quite inexperienced if they like JLS), seeing some suave boy-band guy while you're trying to get it on can't really help
(

Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:01, Reply)

~~suave boy-band guy~~ oleaginous cheesy-looking bender
(

Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:11, Reply)

but they can do back flips or something.

(PsychoChomp, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:12, Reply)

One of them has eyes like Marty!
*shudders*
(

sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:12, Reply)

Good use of the word 'oleaginous'
It is a good word.
(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:17, Reply)

I see your JLS jonnies and raise you Twilight dildos
the Jacob one is brown and the Edward one is really pale. With glitter.

Fo' serious.
(

Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:07, Reply)

ew

(

Lisette von Falcon, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:08, Reply)

Are they like those arse/face towels?
One brown and one pale wet looking one?
(

sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:09, Reply)

that's unpleasant.

(

Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:13, Reply)

As opposed to a Twilight dildo??
My, I have improved
(

sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:14, Reply)

Kitties don't like poop jokes!!

(

Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:18, Reply)

It was more so you didnt mix them up!

(

sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:19, Reply)

I would buy them for my mate who loves Twilight
if you know it wasn't massivley innapropriate.
(PsychoChomp, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:10, Reply)

everyone loves a gag gift.
I mean joke, not like your normal gag gifts.
(

Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:13, Reply)

Yeah she'll probably call me a cunt and hit me with the dildo.

(PsychoChomp, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:22, Reply)

the only thing worse than your dildo being found
would be when someone realised it was a twilight dildo
(

Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:41, Reply)

I would enjoy you having to go to hospital with a twilight dildo lodged in your ear.

(

Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 17:03, Reply)

No .. no .. that's "AURAL" sex...

(

the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 17:15, Reply)

well at least it's relevent to the original idea
of the book. Just needs more domestic violence
(

Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:10, Reply)

~~domestic violence~~ stupendously piss-poor writing
(

the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:18, Reply)

Oh dear god
tell me this isn't true.
(berk, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:11, Reply)

This is totally true
I'll see if I can find the link. It won't be safe for work though obv.

EDIT: Ok I can't find it and I'm a bit conscious of doing too many "vampire dildo" related google searches.
(

Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:14, Reply)

It's Twilight
It's not fucking safe for anything.
(

the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:17, Reply)

Syntax error
You've put 'fucking' in the wrong part of the sentence.
(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:18, Reply)

I feel, sir.
that in that particular sentence, the word "fucking" can be placed more or less anywhere without unduly affecting the meaning.
(

the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:19, Reply)

A good point, sir, a good point
I might even go so far as to prefix just about every word there with 'fucking.'
(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:20, Reply)

Indeed. Better to be safe than sorry, here, I think.

(

the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:26, Reply)

I've found
a picture of the condom and wrapper but no mention of colour or twinklyness.
(

Mrs Entity is in hiding., Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:20, Reply)

ok I've kind of found a link although it's only to the vamp one, not the werewolf one too
www.toplessrobot.com/2009/08/battle_of_the_insanely_awful_twilight_merchandise.php

And there's a bonus picture of an Edward cutout that you can stick to the wall.
(

Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:21, Reply)

That's why bobby likes pressing his face against the walls.

(PsychoChomp, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:28, Reply)

Better Edward
than Edmund, I suppose...
(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:31, Reply)

Oh, man.
Totally loving the idea of trying to explain that.
(

the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:20, Reply)

"It was for lolz, I promise!"
they already think I'm a goth.
(

Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:21, Reply)

You ARE a goth

(

Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:26, Reply)

you're a goth
I'm a vanilla goth.
(

Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:28, Reply)

are you a goth?
If I leave the M6 at around Junction 26-28, head towards the nearest market town, aiming to arrive in the town square around twilight, will I find you by the war memorial drinking cider?

/obscure and probably rubbish reference
(

the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:28, Reply)

not really
I'm 25, I've kind of grown out of it *looks at Labs*
(

Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:30, Reply)

and it's ok I get the reference
in my town it was "hanging out by the sculptures on Church Street drinking cider"
(

Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:32, Reply)

God they're SO STUPID!
I cannot fathom HOW they can have made such a STUPID error.

They just don't understand you or your music.
(

Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:30, Reply)

It's ok Monty,
I'll put it into my poetry and talk to my friends on WoW. They can't hurt me on WoW. Unless they've managed to get the Amulet of Ryzantor!
(

Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:31, Reply)

Or the +17 Cracked Elven Frying Pan of Greater Spanging
*doesn't understand WoW*
(

the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:33, Reply)

*pisses pants*
You're on fire this week. More please.
(

Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:38, Reply)

*sells pants to japanese business man*

(

Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:46, Reply)

I think you mean this
www.wowarmory.com/item-info.xml?i=22327
and it's only iLevel 63, do you think I'm some sort of noob?
(PsychoChomp, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:51, Reply)

I swear, I read that as "Amulet of the Retarded" for a brief moment
It was a glorious moment, truly. I shall not see its like again.
(

The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 18:58, Reply)

Really
Find me a link!
(

Mrs Entity is in hiding., Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:15, Reply)

can't you buy pants with edward cullen's face on them?
he's not even fit!

and how much would it freak out any bloke if you were kissing hard and passionately and he inched his hands up your thighs and skirt - only to find you had THAT emblazoned across your muff!
(

rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:34, Reply)

To be honest,
most blokes would carry on if they got that far anyway!
(

sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:36, Reply)

really, can this be true?
anyone?
(

rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:38, Reply)

Well, it beats finding a bear trap....

(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:39, Reply)

riiiiiiiiiiight
so you are just about to sink your ~~five six seven~~ eight inches of angry gristle somewhere and then you see the final barrier is that. and it doesn't make it wilt at all?

blimey.
(

rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:41, Reply)

remember, these are internet boys
they have to be grateful for what they can get
(

Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:43, Reply)

It would certainly topple my 'tower of Babel,'
though it would be slightly less alarming than something designed to catch the pedipalps of large, wild mammals.
(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:44, Reply)

if you really loved me
nothing would put you off
(

rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:46, Reply)

But of course.
I'll be sure to bring my boltcutters and a picture of Christina Hendricks so I can deal with any unexpected traps around your...erm...'trap.'
(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:48, Reply)

I'm not sure what or who JLS is/are
but i'm now singing "J-L-S, UH HUH UH HUH!" to KLF
(

Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:12, Reply)

A bunch of pretty boys
they are seen on the TV at the moment having an unconvincing good time whilst playing some shit on the Wii

I have never heard any of their music but I'm sure it's dreadful.
(

Mrs Entity is in hiding., Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:14, Reply)

You total shitbag.
Thanks for sharing that.
"JLS is gonna rock ya..."
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:28, Reply)

JLS can rock nothing.

(

Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:33, Reply)

I imagine they 'rock the cock'.

(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:37, Reply)

YAY!
if I can help somebody as I go along...
(

Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:38, Reply)

Are you the fallout vegas lady?

(

SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:15, Reply)

Damn skippy
Well kind of. I'm not playing, Mr Entity is.

I offer helpful advice like 'cunt that scorpion in the fuck'.
(

Mrs Entity is in hiding., Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:19, Reply)

good advice.

(

SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:21, Reply)

My copy arrived today
i'm tempted to cancel my snooker night tonight
(

Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:20, Reply)

I have to start again as I've ballsed up massively already. It's ace though.

(

SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:21, Reply)

What have you done to balls it up?

(

Mrs Entity is in hiding., Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:22, Reply)

No spoilers, but killed a couple of people by accident that I didn't want to die.
One tip is always remember what outfit you're wearing.
(

SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:23, Reply)

Eh?
We are about 16 hours in and have hardly got anything done.

I need to go and make more biscuits soon, we've run out.

Thank goodness they released it on the last day of term. Whole half term of playing Fallout.
(

Mrs Entity is in hiding., Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:28, Reply)

I am doing one quickly so I can see the stroy then I'm going to play through
and build a beast.
(

SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:32, Reply)

I'm probably just going to kill everybody anyway

(

Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:28, Reply)

Yeah
Veronica just punched the fuck out of a robot!
(

Mrs Entity is in hiding., Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:37, Reply)

I've mentioned this before, but fuck it, I'll re-raise your idiot marketing
With straight idiocy. The main office of SEPA (Scottish Environmental Protection Agency) is round the corner from my labs.

They have a large, yellow sign in their car park. "WARNING - BEWARE OF MOVING VEHICLES"

I say again. In the middle of a car park. Words fail me.
(

the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:16, Reply)

That's almost as bad as 'may contain nuts'
on the back of a peanut packet.
(berk, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:20, Reply)

I know, right?
And then they put "Danger: High Voltage" on electricity pylons, it's fucking health and safety gone mad.
(

Maximinimus you stick around I'll make it worth your while, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:21, Reply)

That phrase pisses me off as it goes. Too Daily Mail.
But pylons, you could be daft enough to not know that electricity wires are dangerous enough to kill you, and not be a total retard.

But who the fuck struggles to understand how the cars parked in the nice spaces actually get in and out of them?
(

the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:24, Reply)

The scottish?

(PsychoChomp, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:26, Reply)

Oh, well played.
Uppercut over slip cordon and past third man for four.
(

the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:29, Reply)

Top, top drawer.

(

Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:32, Reply)

Superb witticism there
Your repartee skills must make being an unbearable cunt, all the more bearable.

/nationalism
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:47, Reply)

This is what my dad had to say about my weekend:
"You told your mum not to worry about you being conned into meeting up with an internet peadophile, but had that been the case he'd probably have been extremely disappointed when you turned up."
(

Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:28, Reply)

How old are you?
*say in a creepy voice for added effect*
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:30, Reply)

'Do you like ponies? I like ponies and JLS'

(

Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:33, Reply)

hahaha
you're just copying what the kids say to you aren't you?
(

Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:34, Reply)

That should have been an /ac

(

Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:45, Reply)

you are all about teh horseporn today aren't you, my sweet?

(

rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:35, Reply)

Today, and every single day.
I just like them. Is that a crime?

Oh.
(

Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:37, Reply)

it's good for a man to have a hobby
keeps him out of mischief
(

rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:39, Reply)

I'm so into it
that I even become aroused when I see the opening credits to 'Neigh'bours.

Plus something about 'grooming'
(

Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:41, Reply)

what if the horse
were wearing giant horse sized edward cullen underpants. would that put you off your stroke?
(

rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:43, Reply)

*googles*
Yes, certainly it would initially...but they wouldn't stay on for long.
(

Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:45, Reply)

whoa there boy
you don't actually get to do the horse yourself, you know!
(

rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:46, Reply)

I've a rather colourful police record that says otherwise.

Applause for 'whoa there boy' btw.

Can I just say I tried and failed to start a horse-porn meme about Al. I shall be more than a little disappointed if I accidentally start one about myself and it sticks.
(

Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:52, Reply)

Watch and learn, old chap: I helped peddle a bumder-related meme about Darth,
and look what sufferance it wreaked upon me.
(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:54, Reply)

I accidentally started anal porn for Lampito apparantly

(

Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:59, Reply)

Sounds like it's been a lucrative career
She should be grateful.
(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:59, Reply)

thank you
i am glad you approve.

well. i'm not going to lie to you, old buddy old pal, it's got legs (four of them to be precise)
(

rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:55, Reply)

According to a couple of recent high-profile cases
I'm going to have to go with "Yes. Yes, I'm afraid it rather is"

Sorry, old chap.
(

the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:39, Reply)

I imagine you saying that like Dudley Moore in 'Derek and Clive' mode..
"Would you like to see my winky-wanky-woo"
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:36, Reply)

Oh, man. I could have brought along my official government
"this man is definitely not a paedo honest as of July 2009" card to really set her at ease.
(

the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:32, Reply)

A peado who has been caught
you could just be a clever peado who has escaped police notice so far.
(

Mrs Entity is in hiding., Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:43, Reply)

I'm not sure it really did me any favours
when after completing full disclosure I pointed out that effectively that only proves I'm really good at not being caught paedoing. It's effectively a paedoevolution scheme, if you like. "survival of those that hide the bodies best"
(

the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:51, Reply)

Well this is what I've always thought.
It's so dumb, it just proves you've not been caught.
(

Mrs Entity is in hiding., Tue 26 Oct 2010, 17:44, Reply)

Always nice to know
That you're parents take an interest in what you're doing.
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:34, Reply)

yeah I love the fact that I received this email 4 days after potential internet paedophilia.

(

Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:35, Reply)

So no pre-warning talks?
Well, you didn't get murdered, so that's a plus.
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:37, Reply)

It's a good job she didn't know we're all 43 year old truckers called Dave.
Even you, Dave.
(

the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:37, Reply)

Your parents were texting me to see if I got there safe.

(PsychoChomp, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:48, Reply)

Did they say
'she has to lose her virginity some time?'
(

Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:51, Reply)

Even they know that ship has long sinced sailed.

(PsychoChomp, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:51, Reply)

I was just being mean
obviously unskilled at it
(

Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:54, Reply)

I can teach you.

(PsychoChomp, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:55, Reply)

That should have been
teach you I can
(

Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:58, Reply)

Geek.

(PsychoChomp, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:59, Reply)

Pretty much
not a Star Wars one though thankfully
(

Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 17:01, Reply)

Right
I've run out of biscuits and I need a wee.

I'm off to make both now, and it's not a JLS wee or Twilight biscuits.
(

Mrs Entity is in hiding., Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:35, Reply)

In answer to your question:
the whole fucking place has gone to the dogs since those pesky spinning jennies fucked up the natural order of things. Then it was 'zips'...then goodness knows what else.

This reminds me I actually saw a chap on a penny farthing on Sunday. I admit I did cry out 'I say, that chap's got my bicycle!' because I was ~~showing off~~ being charming.
(

Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:36, Reply)

i would have laughed
maybe a tiny bit out of pity, but i would have laughed.
(

rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:42, Reply)

I feel slightly upset now.

(

Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:48, Reply)

it's ok
you'd never have known the difference
(

rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:50, Reply)

I would, you know. I'm actually very sensitive.

(

Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:54, Reply)

so you think you would know if i were faking it?

(

rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:57, Reply)

Irrelevant question.

(

Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 17:06, Reply)

i admire your confidence
it's v charming
(

rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 17:09, Reply)

Hang about
Do you mean JLS' faces are on the packets of johnnies...

or has each individual condom got a member of JLS' face stretched over the helmet?

There's a niche to be explored in that, I'm sure it'd be easier to persuade your average teenage girl to let you penetrate them if they could see Aston Merrygold's inane grin edging towards their vagina
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:43, Reply)

ARRGH!
mindbleach please. And I don't really know what these guys look like (the one I saw in boots looked kinda generic boy-band, I assume they all do)
(

Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:45, Reply)

Right, now stop and re-read that.
Could you possibly have maybe sounded a LITTLE less like an experienced nonce in the last sentence? maybe just a touch?
(

the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:46, Reply)

Yes I could
If I'd said under-average teenage girl. Bearing in mind that the teenage years run from 13 to 19, only 3 of those 7 ages are jailbait. So the AVERAGE teenage girl is 16 and a half.

And therefore not punishable by hard time.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:48, Reply)

Your honour.

(

the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:49, Reply)

Hahahahaa precisely what I was thinking
Tripped off the tongue a little bit too easily to have been unrehearsed I'd say.
(

Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:55, Reply)

Could you not choose to believe
that I'm actually clever enough to have thought of that on the spot?

I'll get my coat
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:58, Reply)

"I knew she was a teenager and statisically she was therefore more likely to be legal than not"
"so with the maths on my side I felt no need to clarify further"

The Gaussian defence.
(

the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:58, Reply)

+unless her Dad walks in on you

(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:50, Reply)

it's ok
he's a well-known gay so the little girls aren't in danger
(

Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:50, Reply)

Looky here. Yes the daily fail I know........
www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-1310781/JLS-launch-condom-range-Durex.html
(

Mrs Entity is in hiding., Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:48, Reply)

I'll let you off for reading the Fail
I know there's not much to do in norwich
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:50, Reply)

I don't read the Fail
It was just the first site that came up when I searched for JLS condoms.

More to the point I don't live in Norwich!
(

Mrs Entity is in hiding., Tue 26 Oct 2010, 17:23, Reply)

Oh. My mistake
Sorry to accuse you of such a thing!
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 17:44, Reply)

Well frankly I don't know which is
more insulting!
(

Mrs Entity is in hiding., Tue 26 Oct 2010, 17:47, Reply)

Also,
Couldn't the condom makers have chosen a boyband whose name sounds slightly less like a sexual disease? I can quite imagine some 14-year-old chav mong complaining to her mates about the bloke she'd shagged giving her a dose of the JLS. Even Take That would be preferable, if you could see that on a condom packet it'd give you something to say if words failed at the point of climax
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:47, Reply)

Take THAT!

and party.
(

the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:48, Reply)

'New Kids on the Block' condoms...
...might not sell too well.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:52, Reply)

They just need to change one of their songs
"You've got my white stuff, baby"
(

Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:55, Reply)

hahahaha
please promise me you'll say that the next time you're getting any?
(

rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:56, Reply)

Aww, thanks for thinking there's a chance I may get laid in the future

(

Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:58, Reply)

i can't think of anything here that isn't dreadful pandering

(

rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 17:00, Reply)

When there's nothing left to say, say nothing
from the makers of "Waiting to exhale"
(

Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 17:03, Reply)

is this a very polite way
of telling me to shut up and never post near you again?
(

rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 17:09, Reply)

Not in the slightest
I was mis-quoting The Simpsons
(

Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 17:11, Reply)

phew
for about 4 minutes there, i had no reason to live. none at all.

2 minutes, even. god. i really really can't count, can i.
(

rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 17:13, Reply)

Right, work today has frazzled my brain, time to clock off
byeeeeeeeeeeeeee
(

Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 17:16, Reply)

I can
But it's not very nice and I'm quite fond of the Colonel. He gives great museum advice
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 17:03, Reply)

Don't worry about me, i'm thick skinned and can take it
*crys in the corner like sissy girl*
(

Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 17:10, Reply)

Boyzone for the gay market, though.
You probably wouldn't trust Nirvana ones not to have holes in, mind.
(

the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:55, Reply)

Yes - you would just shoot out through the head.

(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:56, Reply)

^ DEOTD

(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:57, Reply)

DE?

(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 17:02, Reply)

double entendre
I think it's just about subtle enough to qualify as one. And I thought it was clever.
(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 17:03, Reply)

After a relativley long discussion about the worst thing to say during climax.
I've decided it's either "shields up" or "engage"
(PsychoChomp, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:53, Reply)

Pikachu! I choose you!

(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:56, Reply)

"gotta catch them all"

(PsychoChomp, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:56, Reply)

jiggggerlllly puuuuuf

(

Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 17:10, Reply)

If you're the kind of person that would say either of those things at climax
It doesn't matter, as the only person who is ever going to be there to hear it is you.
(

the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:56, Reply)

That's because your mum is deaf.

(PsychoChomp, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:57, Reply)

She's not, actually.
paraplegic, yep, but her hearing is spot-on.
(

the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 17:04, Reply)

this also made me laugh a lot
you are on quite good form today, aren't you?
(

rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:57, Reply)

I think a top volume Alan Partridge 'A-HAAAAAAAAA' might not be desperately popular.

(

Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:57, Reply)

^ This is brilliant
Definitely trying this as soon as I can find a female with which to copulate.
(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:59, Reply)

Hint: don't wear a hen party mask when you're 'on the hunt'.

(

Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 17:09, Reply)

It allowed me to infiltrate their crowd.
Sadly it was only minutes after I started speaking that I was repeatedly kicked in the bollocks and told to "fuck off, you perv."
(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 17:18, Reply)

it would amuse me
sex is pointless if you don't have shared private jokes and sometimes laugh out loud in the sack.

this does not extend to pointing at your partner's cock and crying with hysterics, however.
(

rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:59, Reply)

I agree with this
also, high fiving after sex is both excellent and hilarious
(

Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 17:00, Reply)

Eiffel tower!
~~after~~ during
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 17:01, Reply)

I was referring to high fiving ones sex partner who is of the opposite sex
not the person at the other end of the spit roast (i.e. your dad. as we fuck your mum)
(

Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 17:02, Reply)

Yes I got that dear
Just any chance to say Eiffel Tower. It cracks me up
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 17:06, Reply)

I know you got it.
just any chance to remind you that I fucked your mum.
(

Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 17:07, Reply)

well I fucked yours
you don't hear me boasting
(

Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 17:09, Reply)

you should be
she's quite picky
(

Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 17:09, Reply)

c +e
(

Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 17:16, Reply)

that's very far from the truth

(

Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 17:19, Reply)

I know
she was very refined. And when we stopped, we realised your dad had left a cup of tea by the bed. You come from a very caring family
(

Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 17:22, Reply)

that's why I have turned out to be such a charming, polite and upstanding pillar of the community

(

Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 17:28, Reply)

discussing a points-based system
for brothels, is also good
(

Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 17:06, Reply)

Day-glo orange pubes
Well, they made me laugh. Unfortunately they belonged to the 47-second wonder, and after that pisspoor performance I was rather less amused.
(berk, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 17:04, Reply)

I really don't understand what you were thinking.
The bloke must have been unable to believe his luck.

HOME: Reading this back I look like a 'Giant Panda'
(

Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 17:08, Reply)

I was 16 at the time
first boyfriend etc etc. Can I claim youthful, erm...stupidity?
(berk, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 17:10, Reply)

Seeing as it's you.

(

Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 17:11, Reply)

I think we are going to need a shitload more bamboo.

(

the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 17:15, Reply)

you timed it?
harsh
(

Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 17:08, Reply)

Yup
It really was that bad that I had nothing better to do than watch the clock.
(berk, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 17:11, Reply)

tip for boys:
never leave a clock by your bed
(

Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 17:13, Reply)

Or, be less shit in bed, surely?

(

the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 17:14, Reply)

So very, very much this.

(berk, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 17:17, Reply)

If they only lasted 3/4 of a minute
I think you meant "harsh but fair"
(

the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 17:13, Reply)

I think then you just demand
a little more attention to finish you off. I suppose it could be seen as a compliment. as long as the next time is considerably longer.
(

Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 17:15, Reply)

the ideal situation would be for the foreplay to leave the woman gasping and unable to move (through achieving climax rather than something more sinister)
then you are free to jizz all over their face with no fear of immediate reprisal.*

*this is not my usual approach
(

Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 17:17, Reply)

there's nothing girls like more
than being covered in jizz
(

Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 17:19, Reply)

I know
but you try getting them to come to terms with that....
(

Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 17:20, Reply)

I'd struggle to be fair
I'd have to collect jizz and kind of do drive by jizzings or something
(

Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 17:21, Reply)

it's the only way they will realise that they are all really into it

(

Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 17:22, Reply)

I'm pissing myself that you felt the need to clarify the subject line with the brackets
That basically sums up this place in one sentence.
(

the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 17:19, Reply)

it really does

(

Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 17:20, Reply)

I always go for the serial killing
meaning first
(

Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 17:22, Reply)

Allow me to rephrase
"If you noticed it only lasted 3/4 minute" was more what I meant. Quick isn't necessairly bad if it's doing it for both of you.
(

the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 17:18, Reply)

The situation never really improved, to be honest
One of the numerous reasons I am no longer with him.
(berk, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 17:19, Reply)

Once after a particularly gratifying bout of intercourse
upon receiving praise for my performance, for some reason I cried out "back of the net!"

This was not conducive to my chances of second helpings
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:59, Reply)

Surely only appropriate if she's wearing a diaphragm?

(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 17:01, Reply)

Or while you're wiping it on the net curtains.

(PsychoChomp, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 17:01, Reply)

^POTD
Hands down

EDIT: Crow, not Chompy. Although I also clicked the "Shields up/Engage" post above
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 17:01, Reply)

BANG! and the dirt is gone!

(

Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:59, Reply)

Haha

(

Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 17:04, Reply)

my friends had this discussion
but it was less geeky. The winner was "ta-daa" with jazz hands.
(

Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 17:06, Reply)

that's shit
I favour shouting "BAM!" like Elzar in Futurama with his spice weasel
(

Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 17:08, Reply)

or
"Oh dear, I think a bit of wee just came out as well"
(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 17:07, Reply)

The world is bizarre
though I haven't seen anything stranger than those Twilight dildos so far today. I think that one website advised putting them in the freezer for that vampire feel. Now that's weird
(

Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:50, Reply)

"Vampire Feel"
should not be used in the same sentence as any artifice designed to go near, let alone up, a vagina.
(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:51, Reply)

Nor 'True Blood'

(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:52, Reply)

It's surely only a matter of time before the makers of Twilight team up with Tampax...

(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:53, Reply)

euch
Reminds me of that joke about the vampire and the teabag
(

Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:54, Reply)

Mehehe...."teabag"

(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:55, Reply)

I'm telling that joke now
for the edification of those without my fine education.

Three vampires walk into a bar. One of them asks for a pint of O- and the barman nods and pulls him one. The second asks for AB+ and duely receives it. The third asks for a cup of hot water, and when asked why he didn't order a drink, he fishes out a used tampon and says 'nah I'm having tea'
(

Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:57, Reply)

what did one lesbian vampire say to the other?

(

rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:58, Reply)

no idea

(

Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 17:00, Reply)

see you next month...

(

rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 17:00, Reply)

haha ew
that's quite horrible
(

Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 17:05, Reply)

yes
yes it is!

although since someone (dracula i think) used the phrase "devil's treacle" the other day, i've been feeling faintly sick ever since.
(

rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 17:07, Reply)

that is pretty awful
however my favourite (though I've never used it) is surfing the crimson wave (stolen from Clueless)
(

Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 17:10, Reply)

great film
the best term is "fallen to the Communists" though
(

Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 17:11, Reply)

Haha I love that film too
bought it for my 16 year old sister, and she hated it so I now have 2 copies
(

Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 17:15, Reply)

Wiggy won't stop calling it my Dolmio Day
but I prefer 'closed for refurbishment'
(

Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 17:13, Reply)

HAHA

(

Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 17:13, Reply)

DOLMIO?
that is fucking rank!
(

rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 17:14, Reply)

how do you feel about Shark Week?
or 'attracting bears'?
(

Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 17:18, Reply)

also wrong

(

rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 17:22, Reply)

but also hilarious

(

Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 17:22, Reply)

I feel a bit sick.
I'd rather dine on placenta in 'Devil's treacle' sauce, with a grated titcheese garnish, than eat Dolmio.
(

Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 17:18, Reply)

grated titcheese garnish
good god man, what are you trying to do to me?
(

rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 17:22, Reply)

nah he actually likes the stuff

(

Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 17:23, Reply)

Can I clarify
I meant the titcheese has been grated - not a cheese made from grated tits?

Sorry for the confusion!
(

Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 17:24, Reply)

well that's much better

(

Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 17:24, Reply)

i knew what you meant
it was just as vile
(

rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 17:33, Reply)

When I use an exclamation mark
I am almost definitely taking the piss.

Just saying, like.
(

Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 17:34, Reply)

You only have to worry
when it more closely resembles "Uncle Ben's Chilli Con Carne."
(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 17:21, Reply)

or guacamole

(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 17:24, Reply)

or tuna chunks

(

Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 17:25, Reply)

or custard.

(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 17:25, Reply)

or battery acid.

(

Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 17:27, Reply)

or a giant squid

(

Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 17:30, Reply)

"up on bricks"

(

the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 17:18, Reply)

I like that one
that, or "up on blocks."
(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 17:21, Reply)

"Riding the cotton pony"
Gene Hunt
(

Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 17:40, Reply)

I refer to it as The Sabbath
as it means I get some rest.
(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 17:23, Reply)

I really hope it was
"I killed that stupid fat cunt James Corden, no more godawful films about us"
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 17:00, Reply)

I have to say
that joke's in better taste than sticking your dildo in the freezer before you stick it in your downstairs area...
(berk, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 17:00, Reply)

Given that Twilight is essentially an abstinence metaphor gone horribly, horribly out of control
I can't think of a more inappropriate bit of product placement
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:52, Reply)

but apparently in the fourth book
they fuck each other unconscious.
(

Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 17:12, Reply)

I heard it was all about the
violent sex and abuse
(

Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 17:14, Reply)

but only after they're married
and they have a baby right away, so that makes it okay
(

Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 17:14, Reply)

YES!!!
Haven't read the third or fourth books (cos the first two are AWFUL) and I said to Ms Foxtrot, who has for some reason read them all, that the whole abstinence metaphor was laboured and predictable, and that I was willing to bet that when they finally have sex a) it goes really badly and b) she gets pregnant, or Vampire AIDS

I win
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 17:26, Reply)

That is horrendous

(berk, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 16:59, Reply)

So the head of Greater Manchester Police was on the radio just
and he said that the cuts were going to affect them badly.

He said that amongst the many other issues in Manchester it had to be taken into account that their jurisdiction covers 5 premier league teams.

What teams are they then? City and United naturally but who else?
(

Mrs Entity is in hiding., Tue 26 Oct 2010, 17:50, Reply)

Wigan?

(

JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 17:55, Reply)

Bolton, Wigan, and Blackburn at a guess.

(

Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 17:56, Reply)

Bolton and Wigan yes
Not sure about Blackburn though.
(

Mrs Entity is in hiding., Tue 26 Oct 2010, 18:08, Reply)

Bolton?

(

JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 17:56, Reply)

notlob?

(

Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 18:12, Reply)

Blot on.

(

JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 18:19, Reply)

That batmizvah I went to a few weekends ago was filled with screaming JLS fans, with loads of WE LOVE YOU [members of the band].
I reckon their marketing people are fucking disgusting to mix up those demographics.
(

G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 18:30, Reply)

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