My friend Emma's nanna
used to call old blue eyes Frank Sanitary. She could say Sinatra cos of her false teeth.
(Dannyo, Fri 12 Mar 2004, 16:56, Reply)

My gran,
gawd love 'er, is a holy terror. She's now 93 (as is my grandad) and has all marbles except the occasional wrong name.
Despite this, some years ago my gran wanted a new car. She did all the driving anyway, as she used to drive like Ayrton Senna until her eyes went. So my dad offered her a test drive of his new 2-litre Cortina. She took it around town and down one motorway junction. When she got back, her verdict was:
"Well, it's a lovely smooth ride, but it wouldn't go very fast. It was only up to 60."
My dad: "?????"
Turns out she'd had her eye on the rev counter, thinking it was the speedo. She had thus driven at roughly 120 mph up and down the M4. And I'd have loved to see a copper's reaction if she'd been pulled over, as she's tiny: about 4'11" and looks exactly like a stereotype sweet little old lady.
(mentalageofseven, Fri 12 Mar 2004, 16:22, Reply)

Video recorder
My sadly deceased grandparents (mothers side) were very impressed with the old VCR we passed onto them, but once, when we went round for tea, they were sitting quietly in the kitchen rather than the 'front room'. On asking why they said they were taping 'Highway' and didn't want their voices to come on the tape .....
(chopper602, Fri 12 Mar 2004, 16:10, Reply)

My Grandfather...
was a great man, although his love for anything totally surreal has been forced upon my father, and ultimately me. Thank god I love it. This is the sort of thing:

Q) Why does a mouse when it spins?
A) Evers, overs, unders... waiting round the corner... making up a large.

?
( Micro Prawnvica, Fri 12 Mar 2004, 16:05, Reply)

My grandma looks like a prune

( Naive Amoeba Bored Cig, Fri 12 Mar 2004, 16:05, Reply)

both me nans.........
My dads mum, who is totally sound in mind and body will haggle with anyone for anything...while on a shopping trip to the market with me and my parents she wanted to buy something from a tool stool (?) that was £2.50. She approached the guy running the stall and promptly offered to 'toss him for two quid'. Everyone around under the age of 70 pissing themselves laughing, bless er pop socks.
Other nan (mad as balloon) last christmas, we were playing 'name stuck on yer head, guess who you are by asking questions'. She didn't get the idea of the game, so other nan (who offers to toss people for £2) said 'Rose, you have to ask questions like am I a singer?' so Rose asks 'am I a singer?' and we tell her no. She almost smacks my other nan in the face for making her waste a go, then asks 3 goes in a row 'am I Terry Wogan?'. At the end of the day she asked my other nan, very politely I might add 'excuse me, who are you?'. She's only known her for 39 years. I wouldn't be who I am without these people. Big Love and much respect to my Nannas xx
(jodi, Fri 12 Mar 2004, 16:00, Reply)

Wartime driving!
My grandmother learnt to drive in the late 20s when you could just go to the post office and apply for a driving license. She then drove ambulances during WWII. About 15 years ago we bought her a brand new car with disk brakes but she still stubbornly turned off her car when she got to the top of a hill to save petrol and then coasted down the other side (obviously without brakes!). Nothing we said would make her stop. What is really funny is that at the time my father laughed at her and now, 15 years on, at the age of 66 he does the same thing!!! :o) I hope it's not hereditary?
(Hazy, Fri 12 Mar 2004, 15:59, Reply)

my nanna..
One day when a 'silver chain' woman (nurse lady) was removing stitches form my mothers arm,my nanna was over. the Silver chain lady said " There, all you need now is a bit of TLC" to which my nanna commented " Yes, everybody needs a bit of ESP" .

Yes we do, to work out what is going on in her head.
(narkenn, Fri 12 Mar 2004, 15:48, Reply)

Anti semitic great aunt fun
My great aunt would, after doling out the usual old person pound to her grandkids, ask what we were going to spend it on. My brother would reply 'Sweets', to which the great aunt would 'You have a sweet tooth, like a darky!'. I would reply 'I'm saving for something', eliciting the response 'Not all the Jews are in Jerusalem, are they?'.

Sour old hag. Her racism was made worse by the fact that she had a relationship with an Indian doctor in WWII, so she really has no leg to stand on.
(Lapin, Fri 12 Mar 2004, 15:37, Reply)

My mate's gran (82)
was lamenting on how she didn't know enough men:(broad cockney accent) "Cos women are so boring, all they ever talk about is clothes, i want to talk about politics, gawd, I saw that Tony Blair on telly the other day, you should've seen his SUIT! Bloody awful..."
(absinthekitten, Fri 12 Mar 2004, 15:28, Reply)

My Grandmother's Lost the Plot!
My grandmother is loosing the plot slightly. The other day she bought an ark welder and began to weld both of our great danes together. Thanks to this we've now got hoards of tourists clambering at the door to get photo shots of our siamese great danes. Yesterday she went to Safeways and set alight to the cheese aisle and put a bat, which she had set on fire with white spirit, up an old lady's skirt. We're becoming slightly worried, even more so after today when she enlisted the help of an electrician to remove a wart from our shire horse's penis! Then to top it all off she now thinks she's bilbo baggins and has chopped her feet off to make herself the right height AND cut the tail off our horse and has harnessed the hair to her feet, well stumps anyway.
(Halpil01, Fri 12 Mar 2004, 15:13, Reply)

Crazy Grandfather
I have the craziest grandfather on the planet. When he has trouble exiting the car, he says, "Don't do me no favours, feet."

I made a movie once in a film class and was screening it for my family. He walked into the room, not knowing that it was my movie, and said, "What's this shitty picture?"

He also calls restaurants funny names. We have an International House of Pancakes nearby. He calls it, "Pancake House." We have a Chinese restaurant nearby called Mr. Chan's. He calls it, "General Chink's."

Crazy, bollock-talkin' granddad.
(JMG114, Fri 12 Mar 2004, 15:09, Reply)

Too much info
My Nan was in hospital a short while ago with a badly sprained ankle. I decided to take her in some decent grub one lunchtime, when she let rip with one of the loudest grunts I have heard in a long time, then her face changed from mild amusement to slight concern, and she declared at the top of her voice (as she's a bit mutton) "Oh dear, I appear to have blotted my copybook", laugh I nearly shit myself
(cyril spawned a monster, Fri 12 Mar 2004, 15:05, Reply)

Smug Yorkshire Nana - Mid Eighties
(the era, not her - she was two hundred years old) would sit, smile and nod knowingly to herself whenever "the threat of nuclear war" etc. would rear it's head in conversation. Faced with the inevitable question "Nan it's no laughing matter you know ?" She said "Well luv I've nowt to worry about, them bombs an fallout stuff'll not touch us up here".
"EH ???"
"Well tha knows Sheffield's a nuclear free zone..... an besides which all them CND girls are lisburns"

When she found out eventually that "gay" actually meant something other than "bright and cheery" she would whisper things like "ooh your friend Michael's a nice lad fer a Pansy Potter, but eee's a bit Gay-A-Y int ee ?"

Condiments were "condoms" - "Pass them condoms over luv, yer Grandad'll not touch his pork unless it's got pepper on"

She was also responsible for the death of at least 20 electric kettles, due to her boiling eggs, minced beef and packet sauces in them.

Awww bless.... (?)
( rabbitz, Fri 12 Mar 2004, 15:01, Reply)

Mrs. Cuddihy
My grandmother, God love her, is very much missed locally. What a melancholy thread this is, in a way.

Anyway she never wanted me to explain computers to her as they would "blow up the world". She thought slugs were incarnated from the dew on the morning grass. Anytime my Dad was chasing me as a kid she'd let me hide behind the curtains in her house and tell him she hadn't seen me. Go grans!
(schmig, Fri 12 Mar 2004, 14:22, Reply)

does anyone else
have a mum that says " turn of all the lights it's like battersea powerstation here!" when more than one light is on in the house? mine does.... :( it's annoying...she's only 42...but she thinks she's 86! hehe
(rainmaker is 98% lurker., Fri 12 Mar 2004, 13:57, Reply)

my gran 82
"During the war....." need I say more.
( SiX and his hat, Fri 12 Mar 2004, 13:56, Reply)

82, can still leagally drive
"I dont like all these modern songs, all you hear is baby baby baby".
Not very funny until you realise that she's gone on a tangent whilst at the alter talking at somones funeral
( SiX and his hat, Fri 12 Mar 2004, 13:52, Reply)

Bill (my uncle), Vincent (cousin)
Basil (her husband), George (no idea)..... Liam!!!!! thats write, my gran who see's me more than any other relative still gets my name wrong every time.

Bless
( SiX and his hat, Fri 12 Mar 2004, 13:49, Reply)

ooooooooohhhhhhhhh dont get me started...
My gran (82) has recently, VERY, recently sold her car. This after she has... driven it off a small cliff, driven backwards around roundabouts by mistke, hit 5 cars in a year, knocked down her front garden wall and nearly went through her rear garage wall. and she says.... 'I can drive just as well as you, I'm selling it to help the environment'

Bless
( SiX and his hat, Fri 12 Mar 2004, 13:46, Reply)

My Grandma (RIP)
my grandma was lovely, bless her, but she didn't have a lot of money.

one day she opened her freezer and found a steak that she'd forgotten all about. salivating with excitement, she put it to defrost and scuttled into todmorden to buy some chips to go with it. imagine her disappointment when she got home and opened the kitchen door to find a soggy pair of tights in a pool on the table... she'd put them in there after reading that it would prevent ladders.

upon being asked by my mathematically geeky younger brother how many mince pies would be left if a gross had been baked and eleven dozen eaten, she replied in horror: "well i 'avent eaten them all".

bless!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 12 Mar 2004, 13:39, Reply)

insane old people
My art teacher at school was possibly the most insane old lady you'll ever come across.
Many moons ago, I was doing some random project, and asked her for white tissue paper. She replied 'Oh no, black won't show up.'
I told her that I wanted white, and she insisted that she had no black and it wouldn't work.
I left the classroom soon after that.
Another notable occasion was when she wandered into class with a dog lead hanging round her neck.
She didn't notice at all. Not for the entire day.
I gotta thank you guys for this thread. Til now I never thought there was a good side to leaving sixth form.
(sporky, Fri 12 Mar 2004, 13:36, Reply)

My gran
is invincible. 87, partially bionic through joint replacements and still got it upstairs. She went into hospital with food poisoning a few days ago.

She also smokes about 60 fags a day still (no lie), she can't smoke in the hospital (understandably) so what does she do?

She has a crafty one in the toilets and promptly set the the fire alarm off.

Doctors were none too pleased...
( icezebra *insert large monkey*, Fri 12 Mar 2004, 13:18, Reply)

My dearly deceased great aunt
Is still a good subject for mirthful discussion in our family.

There was one occasion on which she was required to wear an eye patch for a week or two. However, she did not want to do so, as she thought it would bring her too much attention from people.
Instead, she decied to keep her eye 'patched' by covering it with sellotape instead, as that way, no one would think that there was something wrong.

Another time, I was speaking to her and she told me how since there wasn't any food in the house (which there was) she ate a loaf of bread instead. An entire loaf, with nothing else.
(Maels, Fri 12 Mar 2004, 13:17, Reply)

Oh god I just remembered something!
At xmas, my mum got this mini bingo game thing which broke constantly but we had fun playing. There were 3 prizes, one for each game, wrapped up. My nanny chose the biggest which ended up being Peppermint pecker, aka mints in the shape of cocks. My siter, mum and myself couldn't stop laughing, my stepdad was horified. When she opened the paper she said "Oh how lovely!!!!" obviously not knowing they wernt just mints. "i think ill have a suck on one now, do you want one Mike?"

We all left the room cause we were pissing ourselves, leaving my siter to explain. When things calmed down I reminded her not to offer them to the vicar that visits her when she said "you know, if you had'nt told me what they were (took about 30 minutes to explain) i was planing too!"
( Blobcat Less Jaffacakes this year, Fri 12 Mar 2004, 13:13, Reply)

the result of much imbreeding
Probably caused granny to be as f-ed up as she is. And I truly hate to admit that, but it also may be the water...anyway For some reason, after 21 years of having grandkids she still seems to get everyones name mixed up. Kim..Chels...uh...Deb...Uh, Kristine! EVERYTIME!!! So occasionally we ask her if shes been smoking the wacky baccy. To which she replys no Kim, Chels, Deb, uh Kris you know I don't smoke that stuff. Also, for some reason she calls cactus Hens and Chickens. Some washed up redneck shiznat my great grandmother used to call them. Its too bad I never knew her, I'm sure shes even more unbalanced then my grandmother. Oh what fun I could have had...
( Lisette von Falcon, Fri 12 Mar 2004, 13:11, Reply)

Its a bit sad
that im posting this about my mum, given that she's only just reached 60, but bless her, she does come out with them.

Being the poor student, i would frequently borrow her car, and she (thinking i was some drug fuelled maniac) would always route around afterwards looking for evidence of what i had been up to. (i should point out that im as clean as a whilstle in every dept..)

She comes into the lounge one sunday and holds aloft a red "AIDS Awareness" badge i had bought for charity...
Looking kind of awkward, she eventually (in my mums brash fashion)..
"WHO HAVE YOU HAD IN THE CAR THAT'S GAY??"... once i'd stopped laughing, i didnt know where to start, i think i replied something like "..well, who do i start with"...

(i'd like to point out im straight, tho theres nothing wrong with being gay, just im not, ill , um, ill leave now)
( timothy claypole, Fri 12 Mar 2004, 13:03, Reply)

It's the only one I can think off.....But there are probably thousands more
At a recent family birthday, my dear ol' Nan consumed several 1/2 pints of lager. After the meal she proclaimed "Well I think I should have somthing alcoholic now as I've been good so far". After much chuckling we got an explanation. Turns out my clever deceased grandad had told her lager was not alcoholic, over 30 years ago, and she always believed it, leaving him to drink as much as he liked under this excuse!!

I won't even go into the "Clarke Kent/Christopher Reeves/Dean Cane/Superman debate" of last christmas. I think I was too confused by the end of it!
( Ironic Mullet, Fri 12 Mar 2004, 12:56, Reply)

Two stories
One of them is not mine, but...

A friend is visiting another friend's elderly Irish mother. They are watching the telly, and on it is a wildlife program showing some zebras that had stopped at a wartering hole only to be attacked by a crocodile. The venerable lady's response to this was "Look at those poor ponies being eaten by them sharks" (somehow it works better if you try to say it with a broad Irish accent)

My grandmother (yes, I'm middle class enough to have a grandmother instead of a granny, nan etc.) on my mothers side is 93 and completely lucid, and a match for anyone mentally. Some years ago my mother was visiting her and her next door neighbours (let's call them Jeanette and Dougie for the sake of a little privacy) came round for a cup of tea. They chatted for a while, then Jeanette & Dougie stood up to leave, but just before setting off, Dougie said "Oh, I nearly forgot, you left these at our house last week" and handed my grandmother a pair of her knickers. Sometime later that day, my mother questioned this rather peculiar transaction, only to be told "Didn't you know dear? I've been having an affair with Dougie and Jeanette for years."

I'm dead proud of my grandmother - she's grand.
( fozberry, Fri 12 Mar 2004, 12:50, Reply)

My nan
once asked me to video something for her while her telly was broken. So I wired up the video to my 6inch B&W portable (was early 80's) in my room so I could check it was recording ok. The plan was she then watched it when her 21inch telly was back.

She thanked me but asked seriously "won't the picture be a bit small when I watch it?"

Lovely lady, we miss her lots.
( Sandman-uk, Fri 12 Mar 2004, 12:46, Reply)