While working in retail...
... I often found myself merchandising, putting up display posters and the like.

I'd always use this gem:

*puts poster up ridiculously low on wall*

Me: "How's that boss?"

Boss: "A bit higher"

*puts on squeaky high pitched voice but keeps poster at same level on wall*

Me: "How's that boss?"

Never fails to get a laugh.

NB: Also works with lower for those insecure about their sexuality.
( JebediahSpringfield, Mon 9 Mar 2009, 11:04, Reply)

This is rather a personal story.
When I was a baby, I lost both of my parents in car crash and I went to live with foster parents. They were very nice to me and I came to love them as my true parents although there was always a reserved part of me that couldn’t cleave itself away from the vague transparent memories of my real parents.

All was well until I hit puberty and I started to fall in lust with my older step sister. She reciprocated and we became lovers but we desperately tried to keep it secret from the parents. Our tryst was hot and heavy. We started to experiment with all sorts of depraved acts, my base lust tempered by the fact that although we weren’t related by blood, we were related in a familial sense.

On one occasion she sat on my head rubbing her menstrual clots into me, and she casually admitted that she was in fact my real sister and that we had both been adopted.

I certainly had egg on my face.
(powervator and NONE SHALL PASS, Mon 9 Mar 2009, 10:51, 3 replies)

The tale of the Purple Hunter
One day the purple hunter was prowling through the purple forest, looking through his purple eyes for the purple prey which he would shoot with a purple arrow from his purple bow.

'Alas! Purple!' he cried when the purple soldiers of the purple king came across him unexpectedly.

'And purple to you sir; you are proper purpled now! For only the purple king is allowed to hunt the purple game of the purple forest', spoke the soldiers.

So the purple soldiers took the purple hunter to the purple castle where the purple king reigned. And the purple king was right unhappy to hear of such crime in the purple kingdom, and after the merest hint of a trial the purple hunter was sentenced to spend many long purple years in the purple dungeon.

The purple guards took the purple hunter down the purple stairs and used the purple key to open the purple door of the purple prison cell. The leader of the purple guards looked the purple hunter in the eyes and gestured towards the empty cell, saying:





'Indigo'
(TheCircleIsNowComplete is longing for the endless immensity of the sea, Mon 9 Mar 2009, 10:41, Reply)

Yorkshire vet.
"Ayup! 'ave come to see thi about mi cat."
"Is it a Tom?"
"Nah its rate 'ere!"
(Miggyman, Mon 9 Mar 2009, 10:40, 6 replies)

arfage
I went to a book binding class and when i arrived the teacher sat me down and told me to make myself a tome
( awsm! namaste bitches, Mon 9 Mar 2009, 9:57, Reply)

Ahhh so
Mrs Wong was desperate for her daughter to have a caucasian child, but try as she might she could not find a willing foreign devil to impregnate her daughter.

Finally she heard an old folk tale that if a Chinese sister and brother procreate they will produce caucasian babies. So Mrs Wong made her son impregnate her daughter.

After waiting impatiently for nine months the baby was born. To Mrs Wong's chagrin the baby turned out to be Chinese.

That's when she realised . . . two wongs don't make a white.



(Sorry, that's one minute of your life you're never getting back!)
(MrC. Having the most boring username on b3ta since 2004, Mon 9 Mar 2009, 9:53, Reply)

How did you sleep?
As a caring and attentive boyfriend, I always ask my other half in the morning, just after we've woken up, how she's slept. She'll tell me, then invariably say 'How did you sleep?'

I always reply 'Well, I just laid down and closed my eyes... and it came naturally, really'.

I am, in fact, the funniest man in the world. I'll make a good dad.
( CaptainCrackerjack live trout, slow motion, Mon 9 Mar 2009, 9:47, 2 replies)

Active Kids vouchers
Sainsburys.

Checkout dude: "That'll be eleventy-twelve pounds fifty please - and are you collecting Active Kids vouchers?"

Me: "Yes please ... but just how many vouchers do you need before you get your 'Active Kid'?"
*basks in own comedy genius*

Checkout dude: "No. It doesn't mean that."
* look of disgust*
(Penguins_Made_Me_Do_It is a dolt ... and she don't care, Mon 9 Mar 2009, 9:31, Reply)

Dunno if I should post this....

( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Mon 9 Mar 2009, 8:54, 1 reply)

Me mum rung me up in a panic
"Our bookcase fell on your dad!"

I said "Calm down, you shouldn't blame yourshelf."
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Mon 9 Mar 2009, 8:50, Reply)

Two flies in a kitchen
How do you know which one is the cowboy?

He's the one at home on the range.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 9 Mar 2009, 7:45, 4 replies)

Daffyd Williams' Driving test
Daffyd Williams was nervous. The test had gone well so far, but now the instructor had told him to stop the car by the side of the road

"Ok Daffyd, I'm now going to ask you to make a U-turn."

"Make a U-turn?" asks Daffyd gleefully "I'll make its fucking eyes water!"
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Mon 9 Mar 2009, 7:41, Reply)

if only
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, and dry cleaners depressed?

Laundry workers could decrease, eventually becoming depressed and depleted! Even more, bedmakers will be debunked, baseball players will be debased, bulldozer operators will be degraded, organ donors will be delivered, software engineers will be detested, the BVD company will be debriefed, and even musical composers will eventually decompose.

On a more positive note, though, perhaps we can hope politicians will be devoted.
(Bluffboy South Africa! World Champions!!!, Mon 9 Mar 2009, 7:21, Reply)

I was chatting to my mate about our upcoming holiday
Me: "Why don't we buy a tent to, you know... "

Him: "To camp?"

[BUTCH, MANLY VOICE]

Me: "OK FUCKNUTS, SCREW THE TENT IDEA. LET'S GET ONE OF THOSE MOTORHOMES INSTEAD"

Him: "Camper?"

[Soft, mincing voice]

Me: "Ooooooohhhhh, make your mind up sweetie!"
( chart cat has an itch, Mon 9 Mar 2009, 6:42, 2 replies)

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.

2 hours sleep makes Jeccius daft...
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Mon 9 Mar 2009, 6:35, Reply)

The only German pun
This is it:

1) "Warum ist Kanada benannt Kanada?"

2) "Ich weiß nicht, warum Kanada Kanada benannt?"

1) "Der ist Keine da!"

It probably doesn't even translate properly. Bloody Germans!
( chart cat has an itch, Mon 9 Mar 2009, 5:49, 2 replies)

A ham sandwich walks into a pub
and orders a pint. The barman says "Sorry, we dont serve food here".
(Peripheral Visionary, Mon 9 Mar 2009, 4:47, Reply)

erm...
I..
...
...
...
Fuck.
I got nothin'.
(Fuckpig "That's not even a pound a midget.", Mon 9 Mar 2009, 1:49, Reply)

Polar bear walks into a bar
asks the barman for a pimms...
...
...
...
...
... and lemonade.
"What's with the big pause?" enquires the barkeep.

Polar bear replies "I've always had 'em"
(Joebot, Mon 9 Mar 2009, 0:42, 1 reply)

I was the only entrant for the solitare world championship
And I lost.
(anotherlogan and the whit he shites, Mon 9 Mar 2009, 0:23, Reply)

Rectum?
It nearly killed him!

Bin done?
(anotherlogan and the whit he shites, Mon 9 Mar 2009, 0:21, Reply)

A glaswegian gentleman goes into a pattiserie
and asks "In the window is that a macaroon or a meringue?" And the man behind the counter says "No, you're right - it's a macaroon"
( brianftang www.brianftang.co.uk, Mon 9 Mar 2009, 0:17, 1 reply)

Coroner's court report into the death of a man who fell from the roof of a skyscraper
found that he had died from a sexually transmitted disease. A witness heard him shouting as he fell past his window "I'm a gonna here!"
( brianftang www.brianftang.co.uk, Mon 9 Mar 2009, 0:14, Reply)

I'll never understand women's sense of humour...
When my wife caught me in bed with her sister and I explained that I was "just trying to fill two birds with one bone," she failed to see the funny side.
( Chum Gnomesky Nom Chompsky, Sun 8 Mar 2009, 22:57, Reply)

Mr and Mrs Noose and their young son
..live in a small cottage at the bottom of the hill.

One morning daddy Noose sets off to get the newspaper and croissants for breakfast. Nobody knows what happened, but he never returned.

The next morning mummy Noose, who is a bit agoraphobic, leaves little Jimmy behind and sets off for the shops. Something dreadful must have happened as she was never seen again.

On the third morning little Jimmy Noose empties his piggy bank and sets off for the shop. Whatever happened to Jimmy, I hope he managed to find his mummy and daddy as he has never been seen again either.

That is the end of the Noose, here is the Weather Forecast.
:-)
(whiskas loved by 8 out of 10 cats, Sun 8 Mar 2009, 22:35, Reply)

I went to the opticians the other day...
...and the guy who was testing my eyes kept making puns.

They got cornea and cornea.
( milkybarnick is calming down Boris on, Sun 8 Mar 2009, 22:26, Reply)

Coat in hand
My fiancé often asks me to put the kettle on.

I always tell her I wouldn't look good in it.
( mister.f is now married, Sun 8 Mar 2009, 22:21, Reply)

true but awful
In the days when Ford left new cars out in fields for months before sale a friend bought a brand new white mk 1 Fiesta, and at 6 months: rust bubbles at the wing seams and the paint flaking.

He`d got no joy from the dealer on the phone, despite the warranty. We were discussing a formal letter over a pint, and I suggested he should say he wasn`t overly enamelled by their paint job. I ended up wearing a beer.
(tootired Is searching for a funny sig, nothing good so far, Sun 8 Mar 2009, 22:14, Reply)

Medical ones
I'll get my coat in advance, but after I had some keyhole surgery in 2002 the following exchange took place:

Doctor: I need to inform you that you have been fitted with a catheter, and will need it for the next 24 hours.

Me: A catheter? That's taking the piss.
---

I also know a guy who had a prostate check. It's OK, he had the thumbs up!
(Mr Bryn, Sun 8 Mar 2009, 22:00, Reply)

My Friend...
... was a bit of a pun fiend and one day when he was reading the local paper he saw a competition offering a prize for the best pun sent in. He promptly sent them not 1, not 5 but 10 puns. He eagerly awaited the results to be published, desperately hoping one of his entries would win but alas,

no pun in ten did
(Immy The Great gave himself to Jesus, but now Jesus never calls, Sun 8 Mar 2009, 21:47, Reply)