Not strictly sleepwalking but...
I was on holiday in sunny Portugal with alot of friends and family, alcohol was abundant and i found myself pissed every night and hung over ever morning for 2 weeks. Suffice to say there were alot of stories to this holiday but i have to choose just one.

We had anticipated going to a certain club for most of the week and when we finally did we discovered the doors didnt open until around 3am. This was bad news as the night before i pulled an all nighter and was pretty shattered, so we killed some time by getting even more pissed than we already were. By the time i got in i was ready to collapse with exhaustion, and the heat of Portugal in the middle of summer in a busy nightclub doesnt help anything. I kept tryign to find a place to sleep but only to get pushed around more by drunken twats. It got to the point where i couldnt control it and was falling asleep standing up, i would sleepwalk for a while and not know what the hell happened. On the way up some stairs i feel asleep, then smacked into the wall adjascent. This sent a concrete modern art wall-hanging suspended some 7 foot above me off its tethers, it smashed the UV light underneath it and continued its descent, coming to a stop at the base of my neck. When i came to my senses on the floor covered in glass i went into hulk mode and fought my way out in sleepy drunken rage. I was told this by my friends afterwards but dont really remember much, i must have been asleep and alcohol was at the controls. Got the cold-shoulder for a while after that.

Apologies for length.
(Pimp my Clown is going back to the future on, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 12:41, Reply)

Friend of my sisters...
In Leeds University dorms way back when. She used to sleep in the buff. Couple this with an ability to sleepwalk into the male dorms without realising most nights throught Uni....

She was very popular.
( Sonic James Doom forgetting the date since... umm..., Thu 23 Aug 2007, 12:27, Reply)

I slept walked once
When I was a young child, I think I was about 7 or 8 years old, my mum told me about a sleep walking incident I had.

Apparently I walked into her bedroom and was looking in cupboard and through the drawers. She asked me what I was doing and I just said "I'm looking for the toilet!". She then took me to the bathroom where I actually did pee, then put me back in bed.

I dread to think what might have happened if she hadn't woke up when she did.
( Ellie Bytes is back... again, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 12:27, Reply)

Kestrel Super mixed with vodka guaranties sleep walking...
My mate consumed the above, as did I, by drinking half a can of Kezzy then topping it with vodka. Nice.
Anyway, back at my place we get our heads down only for me to be woken in the middle of the night by lots of drunken banging an falling over. This also woke my mum up, so to see what the problem is she walks into my room and switches the light on.
She is greeted by a full frontal of my mate p**sing all over my wall. My reaction was something like..."Put your f**kin c**k away an stop p**sing on my wall you f**kin c**t"
My mother simply laughed uncontrollably even when I shouted at her to make him stop.
He eventually stopped and calmly just got back in bed.

The worst thing is that when I told him, he didn’t remember, he simply commented "hahahaha your mam saw my c**k hahahaha. Ask how big it was and if she liked it"
(tedalaki - Like Purple Aki but better, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 12:13, Reply)

Dare I post this....
When I was 15 I had my first pub experience. I drank 4 pints of stella, which would be impressive by todays standards. Needless to say I was pretty far gone, but my brother and his then girlfriend managed to get me home, pointed me in the direction of my bedroom and thought that would be that.

Not so...

I remember nothing from that point onwards, but when I woke up in the morning nobody was speaking to me. I was told I had to apologise to my dad and my nan, but quite what for I had absolutely no idea. It wasn't until about 7 that evening while sat round the dinner table that I was told the full story (which I still dont fully believe).

About half an hour after I'd been deposited in my bed my brother heard a loud bang and an "what the...OH FOR FUCKS SAKE" coming from my Nans bedroom next door. Apparently in my drunken state I'd attempted to find the toilet but had actually ended up in my nans walk-in wardrobe. I then proceeded to throw all the boxes off the shelves, hold the door shut so nobody could get in and nearly (but didn't, I'd like to add. I really didn't) went to toilet in my nans wardrobe. I'm also told there was lots of swearing and violence on my part. I guess they finally managed to get me out and in the right direction, and they maintain that I was displaying some incredible strength for a pissed up 15 year old girl, but I shall never know the full story because I don't remember A THING. Thank god!

Fortunately they saw the funny side and the only real punishment I got is having the tale recounted at parties. Moral of the story? Stella is lethal.
( SugarSpunSister Yeah, whatever, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 12:12, Reply)

I was working at Paddington Green Police Station Many Years Ago
We detained a young repeat offender for TWOCing a car in the area.

We booked him in, put him in the cells for the night, but blow me down if he didnt start sleepwalking.

With my own eyes I saw him unlock his cell door from the inside, come out, punch himself 3 or 4 times in the stomach, then trip down the stairs to the custody officers desk, before repeatedly slamming his own face in to the desk breaking his nose and jawbone.

All this in his sleep, mark you - well that's what we told the NCIS blokes when they came to investigate it.

Evening All.
(LunarJim, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 12:11, Reply)

I shout a lot - apparently...
My twin brother, with whom I used to share a room with, way back when, used to talk fluent German in his sleep but was never so good when at school with foreign languages.

My sister used to sleep with her eyes wide open and you could have conversations with her as she slept.

I don't know if this is true or not but apparently, I often wake my girlfriend up by shouting and arguing about stuff - last time it was cheese so I'm told - and I've even pulled her out of bed bodily to 'save' her from something under the covers.

As far as I'm aware, I've had a normal night but apparently I've been up to a lot in my sleep without being aware of it...
(paulplex erm, hi..., Thu 23 Aug 2007, 12:08, Reply)

I should have listened...
Many years ago my ex and I went to a pub out in the middle of nowhere. Being great weather we took sleeping bags and slept out under the stars in an empty field. Nwxt morning it appears that in the middle of the night I got out of my sleeping bag and kicked said ex in the head, breaking his nose. I think it was my subconscious telling me to get rid of him. Had I listened to it I would have saved years of heartache and eventual bankruptcy. But to this day I have no memory of doing it. Spooky.
(misspiggy In danger of having to get a job, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 12:07, Reply)

I once sleepwalked into my wardrobe....
...when I was about 7 years old and scared the shite out of my Mum. She came to check on me in bed and I wasn't there so she checked every room (and again). She must have been really flapping by this time and went round to all the neighbours houses to check if I had wondered off. In the end she had no choice but to call the cops and they came round and did a proper check of our house and found me fast aslepp in my bedroom wardrobe. I'm such a heavy sleeper, I had heard nothing! Think she felt a bit silly.
Kids eh?
( DUMBLONDE is a rubber lover girl, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 12:03, Reply)

Qotw
I was stayin over at the {then} girlfriends house. we r both fast asleep and for sum reason i'd managed to work my way down the bed to round about boob level with her.

So, its approx 3.30am in the morning and {{BOOM}}, i get a punch. square in the face...

Now, i wake up and shout "wot the F**K?!" to which girlfriend wakes up and goes "wots wrong?!". queue 5 mins of "wot did u punch me for?"

"i didnt punch u..."

"u f**king well did"

"DID NOT"

"IT WAS RITE IN MY FACE!!!!!"

"oh, i mustcve done it in my sleep... sorry?"

"WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!?!?!?!?!!! {then jokingly} dont do it again or u will be... shitface"

And off we both go back to sleep... an hour and a half later she gets up and stomps down the stairs bcos of the way i spoke to her, threatening her.... rite..... she didnt even realise she'd fallen asleep again.

not the only time shes done this either....
( Maffers I flow kinda strange like Spina Bifida footprints, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 12:01, Reply)

Neat
I did it once when I was about 8 or 9, and even though I could kinda remember it I denied it the next morning until I looked under the covers.

At that age I would sleep in pyjamas, proper button up shirt style as well, and well this one night I wandered into the hall of our house, took my PJ bottoms off, folded them neatly and placed them beside the phone. Then went back to bed.

Next morning I wake up and my mum and sister are standing laughing at me asking me if 'im missing something'... Just my dignity mum. Thanks.
(Zutroy started without you, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 12:01, Reply)

A few months ago
I woke up to find myself lieing on the steps that led up to my bathroom, blood pissing out of my nose and mouth, with my housemate standing over me looking very, very concerned. I'd managed to fall off a 4ft flight of stairs while asleep, landing on another stair facing the other way square on my teeth. You know that bit in American History X where Ed Norton puts the guy's teeth on the pavement and... well yeah. I fractured my 2 front teeth at the top of the roots, knocked all my teeth completely out of place and cut a perfect imprint of my top teeth through my bottom lip. I couldn't eat properly for over a month and I'll never be able to clench my teeth properly again. Oh well, gotta laugh :D

farm1.static.flickr.com/191/470080427_25ee81b03b_m.jpg
( Damien's Hearse, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 12:00, Reply)

Got a great one
I woke up to hear some stranger noises coming from downstairs at an old girlfriend's place.

I went halfway down the stairs to find her mum, naked and grunting whilst doing a perfect front breast stroke up the stairs with toilet paper sticking out her arse.

I ran upstairs and was laughing so hard it took me minutes to say whats happenening to then girlfriend.

I get up to go and have another look with girlfriend in tow to then open the door and see that she's now reached the top, doing a swimming front crawl, get up, turn into her room with a tail of toilet paper still trailing out her crack and close the door.

The next morning at breakfast she said that she had a dream she was swimming up a waterfall to get to work and woke up with friction burns on her bristols. We never told her what she actually did.
( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 11:47, Reply)

when I was younger, I wanted to goto Africa
When I was younger, and loved my wife, we were as close together as atoms. But now we just sit together on our sofa, drinking cheap warm white wine, watching the bill and we don't kiss when we say goodnight. We just listen to Radio 1 for a while (Still hip to the vibe, daddy-oh).

I've taken to pretend sleeptalking, muttering female names, in the hope that she hears, gets jealous and leaves me. (I can't be bothered to leave her). Is there anything more pathetic than that? She doesn't though. She just walks around, dusting or cleaning. In her sleep she does the washing up. Last night, she got up and hoovered. How the fuck can you hoover in your sleep? I think, probably, she's as unhappy as me.
(sirolimus, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 11:46, Reply)

Sleepwalking
It was Christmas Eve, i'd just recently moved into my current house that I was sharing with two mates (who'd lived there a while), and an epic night of drinking lay ahead of me for several reasons:

* It was Xmas Eve
* It was a friends birthday
* I'd recently come off meds and had my full leg cast replaced with a half leg cast (ran into a brick bbq at 1am in the Sherwood Forest while dressed as a ninja, but that's another story)

A vast quantity of drink was consumed, Christmas rolled in, and at about 3am myself and my new housemates hobbled home (despite one of them trying to nick the crutches I desperately needed). I collapse into bed exhausted, and within moments am completely asleep, probably dreaming of ninjas chopping bbqs in half.

The next morning I roll out of bed still feeling drunk. Within seconds housemate A comes into my room, smile across his face, and says "Dude, do you sleep walk? Did you piss at the foot of my bed last night?"

As far as I was aware, this was not a traditional morning greeting in this house, but i don't recall doing anything of the sort. He then produces my crutches that were outside his room, which just so happens to be by the bathroom (and up a flight of stairs from my room I might add).

I don't (that I know of) have a history of sleepwalking, but my bad leg did ache an awful lot. Still, Housemate A seemed to laugh it off, and I tried to get ready for the family xmas meal, all the while wondering if i had pissed in his room.

The parental units soon picked me up, and a thoroughly enjoyable Family Majora meal and festivities were had. However, I couldn't shake the niggling thought that i'd tried to write my name in Housemate A's carpet.

Upon returning late xmas day to my house, I somewhat sheepishly head into the lounge to see my housemates. Immediately Housemate A looks up at me, grinning at my obvious awkwardness, and says:

"Dude, my girlfriend was with me last night, she saw it all happen...."

"It was me. I pissed in my own room."

Turns out my other housemate had snuck into my room and stolen my crutches that night, so he could 'have a go'. Bastard!
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 11:44, Reply)

bollocks!!!!!!!!!
i used to shout "Bollocks" very loudly in my sleep.
(CaptainCuntyBollocks the man who can with a frying pan full of lamb, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 11:36, Reply)

Musical beds.
The last bit of sleepwalking I can remember was when I was 9. I had, in the middle of the night, got out of my bed, got dressed into my school clothes, crossed the landing into my sisters room, got into her bed (she was away with friends, THANK THE LORD) and then carried on sleeping. The unfortunate element of this journey was that my bed had a wall on the right side, but my sister's one had a wall and big shelves on the left.
I woke up and without thinking lept from the bed straight into a wraught iron shelf support.
I never sleepwalked again.
My mum though, she has occasionally had conversations with me and my sis in her sleep. Downside is, she's already "had" half of the conversation, leading to such things as this:
Mum: "Don't worry about it love, it'll wash out. Just don't tell your sister. She does love that cat."
Me: "Right." (I was sitting watching TV.)

Apologies for length. I think. I'm not sure. This is my first post.
(Bummero failed to stop himself saying something stupid at, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 11:36, Reply)

Toilet Adventures
I sleepwalk quite often, especially if I've a wee bit of booze in me. Now some mentioned err 'sleep-pissing' on the floor, been there done that and a lot worse.
There was the time I was staying at my girlfriend’s family house in Guildford (posh town). My girlfriend had a toilet just outside her room that I used for the obvious, but the only shower I could use was the ensuite one in her mum's room. Skip on a month later and my girlfriend rings me:
Her:”hahahahaha”
Me:”What?”
Her:”My mum was drunk last night and decided to tell me something... Remember last month when you were over? Well it seems during the night while my mum was still awake you walked into her room stark naked, opened the door to the toilet, and proceeded to piss in front of her”
Me:”ahem”
Her:”Best bit is she said “Tell you what love, it was half way down his leg, you’re a lucky girl””

I thought she had been giving me strange looks during breakfast....
(BeardedChimp, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 11:27, Reply)

Reverend Fister
I get that from my girlfriend too

they don't seem to see why they are in the wrong...

again slightly off-topic....

I usually remember my dreams pretty well, and they are usually pretty weird (I've dreamt feature length sequels to films before)

this particular dream sticks in the memory for one reason: I hated the Swiss.

Now, I only know one Swiss person, and I think he is a thoroughly decent chap, but this dream left me so full of a seething hatred of the Swiss that when I woke up I actually said out loud (possibly while shaking a fist)

"Fucking Swiss!"
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 11:24, Reply)

My Father Agian........
I dread to think what you people must think of my old man by now but her is another tale of how he fucked me up when I was younger:

Set the scene, I mum finally let my first girlfriend stay round and in the same bed as me. Great I hear you cry, mum works nights and Captaincuntybollocks is gonna get himself some good time teenage fumblings. My old man was out on the piss that night and I knew he would come back and cause a scene so I decided no to try and get my old boy wet until he had gone to sleep. Cue another three hours of entertaining my then gf waiting to bang the back teeth off her. The old man comes stumbling in at about 2am, the usual banter between him and himself goes on in the his cryptic northern Irish manner, which does make him sound like an Alsatian with laragitus. but he finally fucks off to bed and ten minutes later it is followed by the obligatory thunderous Guinness and whiskey comedic fart.

Right, time to get to work. I put on my best wooing music, whispered sweet nothings in her ear, caressed her body with hands and tongue and then captain Birdseye slipped her the fish finger (such a teenage thing to do). After ten minutes of adolescent fumblings in the dark I'm finally riding the camel toe wave and going at it like a mad possessed but always aware of doing it quietly.

Twenty minutes in and I'm on a winner but due to my intense concentration I was blissfully unaware of the impending incident. What happened next has probably mentally scared that girl forever. Due to my intense bedroom gymnastic workout I did not hear my drunken father awake from his sleepy hole. The fucker burst into my room, bollock naked, mumbling some bollocks about needing a fag and a piss and then proceeds to open my wardrobe, light up a fag and piss on all my clothes. he must have been drinking alot that night because he was there for a while and lets not forget the usual semitone rise in another thunderous fart he let rip in my face. My GF was crying her eyes out and screaming while he was laughing like a drunken fool. He finished he pissed, muttered some more incoherent bollocks and left. GF wanted to leave and it took a while to calm her down and all time I was cleaning and comforting my gf all I could hear was his unbelievably loud snoring.

The fucker denied it the next day and my GF never stayed over again. from then on I put a lock on the inside of my room. But I have since learned that you are not a real man till you have pissed in your own cupboard while completely comatosed.
(CaptainCuntyBollocks the man who can with a frying pan full of lamb, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 11:21, Reply)

Last one...
My brother, sleeping in a school-trip dormitory, with an audience of at least a dozen:

"Oh Sophie, Sophie. You can take them off now."

Next morning: "I'll give you any money not to tell her."

He gave us any money. We told her.
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 11:21, Reply)

i'm sorry but it had to be done...
thank fuck i am no longer going out with my ex, a violent loathsome individual and all round nasty and alcoholic waste of space. with a terrible snoring disorder.

so we were lying on the bed a while ago and he was asleep. i was pretty much dressed as it was about 4am and was trying to be bothered to get up and go home. suddenly he let rip with the most god almighty fart known to man. this did not amuse me. the smell was indescribable and, worst of all, it was such an offensive fart that he had woken himself up. never a good sign.

shaking his head and looking blearily around, he jumped off the bed and shot into the bathroom. within seconds, i heard the attractive sound of snoring coming from the toilet. nice.

but after a moment i realised that the smell was still lingering. peeling open my own bloodshot eyes, i noticed the dark stain on the sheets right. next. to. my. fucking. head. a leopard with curry up its ass couldn't have moved that quickly. i jumped up and finished getting dressed. the dirty bastard had skidded on the sheets. it was all over. and i don't just mean all over the sheets.

or was it? i couldn't find my right boot. eventually, as the snoring from the bathroom increased in crescendo, i turned the light on. and nearly barfed and fainted. he had not just followed through but had actually curled out an entire "richard the third". there it sat, coiled on the bed, looking at me. jesus. had he been facing the other way, the foul animal would have shat on ME!

i turned the light off, ran out, jumped in my car and fled home. i was so traumatised i had to wake my flatmate. she laughed herself silly. then she sat up.

"you turned the light off?"

"yes."

"so he would have woken up on the toilet... decided it was time to go back to bed... got back in it in the dark..."

that sentence should NEVER be finished.

apologies for length, it's as therapeutic now as it was the first time i posted this....
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 11:17, Reply)

My missus
Not a sleepwalking story, but it will do.

My missus woke up one morning, staring in a terrified manner at me.

I enquired as to whether she was alright, and after finally managing to calm her down she told me that I had been horrible to her in her dream.

She then proceeded to not talk to me for the rest of the day. For being horrible to her. In her dreams.

Even now when I try to take the piss out of her for it she'll defend her actions by saying "Yes, but you were REALLY horrible".

WTF?
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Thu 23 Aug 2007, 11:16, Reply)

true story
When I was little, and we were out camping, I woke up my Dad, brothers and myself by shouting "THE COUNT OF MONTE CRISTO!" in my sleep.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 11:16, Reply)

I realise that piss stories are becoming common
but I feel this one has the edge. Close friend of mine, pissed after a party in his own flat, staggers off in his sleep to relieve himself. woken by his girlfriends screams. He'd opened and was relieving himself into her handbag, in the corner of the room.

Somewhat frosty at breakfast that morning, I recall. His attempt to placate her? "Well, I did piss into my own motorbike boots, too"

Genius.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 11:16, Reply)

We've all done it...
I've done the usual pissing in a rubbish bin as a kid but don't do that any more.

Now that I'm married whilst I'm sleeping I just wank furiously over my wife's back screaming that she's a frigid bitch.

Whilst I'm sleeping.
( Weejock, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 11:12, Reply)

Ooh, one more...
Same ex-boyfriend staying the night at mine for the first time, rolls over in his sleep and pins me to the bed with his leg.

Now I'm not an insubstantial gal, but 6'2" of sleeping ex-rugby player is fairly difficult to shift. Unable to move or wake him I managed to slide out and spent a very uncomfortable night on the floor.

Why we weren't at it like rabbits, I don't really recall.
( e.m.m.y. foxtrot uniform charlie kilo india tango, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 11:09, Reply)

Hmmm
I became commissioning editor at Channel 4 for two years while sound asleep.*


*lies
( BadBadman saw an incorrect comma placement on, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 11:05, Reply)

more piddles
when i was about 16 i was going out with my boss who was about 22 and still lived with his folks. Stayed over at his one night and couldn't sleep due to his snoring, so i snuck out of bed and into the guest room.
During the night i dreamed about a waterfall and woke up to find boss/boyfriend, fast asleep, peeing all over my feet. He then got onto the bed and curled up in the puddle he'd made.
i managed to get out from under him and went back to his room to sleep.
In the morning his mum found him lying in the piddly bed and went BALLISTIC
(nck-nck, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 10:59, Reply)

Dropping of the baitstick (?)
My brother has, on several occasions, scared the shit out of me with his sleepwalking. One particular venture of his still stands out, due to it being quite wierd.
Upon hearing a strange noise, I awoke to find my brother parading round my bedroom in the buff. Thats odd, I thought, we haven't had a sexy party for weeks, what's he up too?
As I enquired of him his business, he let out a massive yell and threw something at me, which hit me, really fucking hard, right between the eyes. He then jumped in the air and screamed "I'VE DROPPED MY BAITSTICK!!" before running out the room.
Somewhat dazed, I inspected what it was he had flung at me. It was my pet terripin Eddie, who was just as shocked as me. I returned Eddie to his tank and went back to bed, swearing an oath to remove my brothers eyes with a spoon the next day.
Unsurprisingly he denied it all. Not even a stonking great bruise all over my face could convince him otherwise.

Length? Not too sure, it was quite dark.
(FerretTrout be illin', Thu 23 Aug 2007, 10:59, Reply)