Not house trained
Several years ago I went through a stage of fairly ferocious sleep activities. Already bad, they were always exacerbated when I had spent a night on the pop, which I was doing a lot at the time. This led to a few scary and embarrassing experiences. My best are:
- going to bed in my own bed and waking up cuddling up to my mate who was asleep on the floor
- having sex with my girlfriend while completeley asleep (real caveman stuff too but luckily she liked that)
- while I was staying at a mate's flat after a monumental session, walking into his room, getting my old man out and pissing on the floor, facing the bed, in front of his rather startled girlfriend
But my best effort was when a little nurse took me back to her room, which was on the seventh floor of a tower block. The block was being renovated one wing at a time so there was scaffolding up rounjd the outside of it. She said that apparently I suddenly sat up in bed and walked out of the door. The first I knew about it was when I woke up seven floors up in the air on the scaffolding round the outside of the tower block, minus my top and my shoes!

Rarely do it anymore which I am glad about as it used to scare the poo out of me
(give it six weeks and it might clear up would like to butter your muffin, Fri 24 Aug 2007, 13:48, Reply)

Ye fucksockes
So I was smacked up to the eyeballs last night, went to sleep and had a corker of a dream! When I woke up I thought I'd make a poem out of it, but fuck me if I wasn't interrupted by some twunt from Porlock. The bastard rabbited on for an hour, and by the time I'd turfed him out I'd forgotten the lot. Bollocks!

Ah well, at least I didn't shit in the sock drawer again.

Sod this for a lark, I think I'll drop by Billy Wordsworth's place and see if he wants to get pissed and pull some lusty wenches.

- Samuel Taylor Coleridge
( reallywittyname veraciously conspues lexiphanicism on, Fri 24 Aug 2007, 13:45, Reply)

Not quite walking.
When i was in halls i had been down the pub for a few ales then retired to bed. I then awoke to find the fire alarm going off and a rather angry warden in my room. "Get up" he shouts.
"Shit, the fire alarms going off" i reply.
"Get dressed" He says.

I promptly get dressed and he tells me to give him my id. Then he tells me thats my driving licence not my id.

Then i get escorted to the fire assembly point where everyone else is. I then sit down and wait. Another female warden walks in and starts to speak.

"Everyone can now go, apart from gormo who thought it would be a clever idea to call me a fucking cunt. He's now getting fined 50 quid".

Shit, I didn't remember that one. I apologised and managed to get the fine dropped. Although the university still decided to fine me £10 for failure to leave my room during a fire alarm. Which is nice "sorry you could have burned alive by sleeping through the alarm, but now we're charging you 10 pounds for the privilege".

The warden loved me afterwards, she said she had never met anyone so offensive yet so charming.
( Slippery Mick ‏, Fri 24 Aug 2007, 13:37, Reply)

Somnambulism Stories
When i was about 12 I had some kind of fever which meant my usual strange dreams and nocturnal ramblings/wanderings were turboed up into horrific shit-scary night terrors.
My dad heard me running up the stairs screaming something about 'the aliens have taken my friend away'. He tried to calm me down and get him to tell him what was going on. The story goes my good alien friend had been taken by some bad aliens who were then taking him to Dumfries. The bad aliens were on horseback and when i thought of them it made my fingers go wierd and for some reason think of placemats. It turns out the front door was open so I'd obviously been wandering around outside. I had butterflies and was all nervous for days after that one.

Another time my dad found me crying wth laughter naked in the bathroom trying to gel my (at the time) long hair into a mohican.

And last week in bed I bit a girl (also in the bed) in my sleep thinking it was my friend's giant hand.
(fatcock has decided to be more mysterious.....or has he?, Fri 24 Aug 2007, 13:07, Reply)

So I Gave Her Headbutts....
.
Ages and ages ago, when the rocks were soft and the moon was young I was in the fucking Army. Don't ask.

Anyway, I was home on leave one time and my mother came in to wake me with a cup of tea. She leant over me and gently shook me and.....

I sat bolt upright, to attention, and headbutted her smack between the eyes. She went down like a bag of shit.

Never try to wake a trained killer.....

Cheers

I am a trained killer. Honestly. They made me shoot a sheep that had wandered onto the firing range...
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Fri 24 Aug 2007, 12:57, Reply)

Oh! The Sausages.
My current, hereinafter referred to as "Her Maj", has a slight problem with my snoring. One particular night, I woke up (as one tends to do) to find her punching me. Apparently I had turned over and back-handed her in the process.

However the trophy for this story goes to another young lady, who was capable of holding whole, surreal, conversations in her sleep, as well as sleepwalking. One memorable exchange involved the fact that I had left a whole suitcase full of sausages in the left-luggage at Cologne railway station. Quite why, I don't know, but I imagine they're pretty whiffy by now.
( Stevedix http://www.stevedix.de/blog, Fri 24 Aug 2007, 12:45, Reply)

wow, I am boring
I am a fairly normal sleeper, partly due to the fact I go to bording school and get woken up my some random person shakeing my arse (or other things depending on which way I sleep). Any way back on topic there have only been two things I have done im my sleep last term;

1) Texting the word "parsnip" to my mate who sleeps less than 10m away from me.

2) Texting a girl who I fancy telling her I love her deeply, resulting in her avoiding my like black death.

Its a shame really, i do love her deeply but I never have the balls to tell her when i'm awake. So maby sleep texting is good for you.
(oliver4858 packing to go back to school at, Fri 24 Aug 2007, 12:44, Reply)

not sure if this counts.
I was 13 at the time and desperately horny (of course). My very first girlfriend, who was a game girl, had suggested going skinny dipping in the canal at night. I duly set my alarm for 3am, crept out and walked down the lane to her house. Of course, she didn't wake up and I spent a fruitless 10 minutes throwing pebbles at her bedroom window, hoping not to wake her parents.

Disheartened, I started to walk home. Suddenly I saw car headlights approaching so I hid, and was shocked to see my Dad drive past. It suddenly occurred to me that I'd only hit snooze on my alarm. "SHIATTT!".

I started running, knowing he had to get to the end of the lane to turn around. It was hopeless. I'd never make it. Only one option.
Limp hands outstretched in front of me, I started the cartoon-zombie type walk of the sleep walker.

He fell for it. He pulled up and gently ushered me into the car, drove me home and gave me sweet tea til my ears bled.
I fessed up a few years ago.
(Redbull_(UK) pfffft, Fri 24 Aug 2007, 12:33, Reply)

Ah, the joys of sleeping.
When I was younger, I was much more inclined to wander around the house at night. Highlights including screaming at my sister when she wouldn't furnish me with a glass of water at 2AM and waking up in my bed in a hostel, clutching a bottle of water and my toothbrush as if life depended on it.

Nowadays, I'm more likely to be found talking nonsense or doing things in the comfort of my own bed. I scared the shit out of my visiting friend by sitting bolt upright in bed, staring into space and murmuring gibberish before suddenly dropping back down to sleep. Recently, my boyfriend woke up to find me pointing at the window in our bedroom, offering no explanation. I'll also hold perfectly sensible conversations with people whilst fast asleep, which used to make being 'woken' for school by my mum a bit of a joke.

I also have sleep apnea, which scared the shit out of my bloke the first time he witnessed it - basically, I stop breathing at random whilst sleeping. Cue bloke shitting himself, thinking I've died when a good twenty seconds has passed with no signs of breathing, before I suddenly start gasping for breath like a long distance swimmer and then continue to sleep peacefully. I looked it up on wikipedia; apparently, it's often caused by having a seriously fat neck which conjures up enough hilarious mental images to stop me being too afraid of, y'know, dying as I sleep.
(the nightmare of cake, Fri 24 Aug 2007, 12:23, Reply)

Not another 'piss-in-the-wardrobe' one?
My brother - woken up by his now ex-wife whilst pissing in the wardrobe over his tape cassette collection.

My mate - did the 'take the wrong turn in his own house, lift up the cushion on the sofa, sit down and piss all over the place' bit. Was woken up by screaming (and now ex) G/F

Same mate - went on holiday with another (now ex - quelle surprise) G/F on trip to Turkey to meet some of her relatives. He was due to sleep on the sofa. As he was prone to sleep-related-toilet action anyway, he decided the best thing to do considering the unusual surroundings, and wanting to make a great first impression, would be to get as twatted as a pleb's cock.
Whilst asleep, he then got up and promptly curled a steaming whippy on their kitchen floor tiles before returning to sofa. Next morning, when they dragged him from his peaceful, snuggly nest with their veritable arses in a bunch, my mate denied all knowledge of the incident and thought that the whole thing was some elaborate practical joke set up by them. It was only when they pointed out that he had neatly left his underpants by the honking turd-stack that he accepted that he had indulged in more drunken sleepshittery.

..He's coming to stop at my house tonight too...pray for pooflake
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Fri 24 Aug 2007, 12:23, Reply)

sleepwalking
if someone doesn't sleepwalk, does that make them a night-spaz? was christopher reeve permanently on dayshift?
(Roger Daily, Fri 24 Aug 2007, 12:20, Reply)

Wet T-Shirts Slumber Party
My Mate Jim could never figure out why his T-shirts smelt damp and musty when he popped them on. Until his Missus woke up one night to find him wazzing in the chest of drawers. This had being going on for weeks apparently.
(Cob, Fri 24 Aug 2007, 12:14, Reply)

I sleep walk frequently
I sleep alk probably every one night in 3. I've slept walk in my own house, in hotels, in some woods in wales on a cadet trip etc etc.

The worst occassion was when i slept walked in a full lenght mirror, smashing it, and cutting my entire right eyebrow open. Being asleep i went back to bed. A few hours later I awoke, in some discomfort. Off i went to the bathroom to investigate why i was sweating so much. On goes the light, and, as though i was in a horror film, my entire face was covered in blood, and it was still gushing out of me eye brow.

Other events include phoning people whilst asleep, setting of various burglar alarms, then waking up and shitting myself that we had an intruder and waking up my entire cadet squad by shouting that i could see enemy whilst asleep. They weren't best pleased.
(Maa!Fetch Me My Gun, Fri 24 Aug 2007, 11:39, Reply)

this is off topic
and i don't care. i just had the joy of driving around london trying to find a property with the ridiculous address of "51 1/2 warwick road". how in the name of arse do you get an address like fifty one and a half? it's like harry potter; i was expecting to have to tap the third brick three times to get in.

anyway. when i finally found it, i had abandoned the car many streets away. as i had no change, i put the hazards on and crossed my fingers. but i'd been easily half an hour pissing around looking for this place. when i had finally done the deed, i ran back. to find my car surrounded by menacing drunks with cups full of meths.

oh yes - they were all menacing the traffic warden, yelling, "we saw her, she's just gone to buy a ticket, you're not giving her a fine, look, there she is..."

come on, how glorious is that?!

on topic now - my nice luxury toffee fudge ice cream disappeared from my freezer last night and the empty tub, complete with spoon, was on the floor by my flatmate's bed. she reckons she "must have got up in the night and eaten it in her sleep". and i believe her too, it's entirely plausible.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 24 Aug 2007, 11:29, Reply)

Injured in my sleep
My boyfriend used to snore after having a few pints, and one night he was snoring rather badly, so I shook him to wake him up. Well, I'm not sure if he was half asleep or fully awake, but he punched me in the face and then rolled over and began to snore again. He denied all knowledge of it when he woke up, but I had the sore nose to prove it.
I also used to sleepwalk around the house and have badly bruised ribs from where I had a reoccuring dream of being chased by 'them' (whoever 'they' were...) which featured a lady with piercing green eyes and curly ginger hair. I'd run into the walls and railings at the top of the stairs on a regular basis, resulting in the bruised ribs, where the railings were about chest/stomach height. I had that dream for about a year before it finally went away and I could finally breathe again without pain. Very odd.
( Bathory, Fri 24 Aug 2007, 11:24, Reply)

I have sleep walked occasionally
but I haven't really done anything more impressive than walking to the toilet, sitting on the closed seat for two hours then going back to bed.

However I have been told I sleep talk alot.
Once on a school trip to Anglesey I was sharing a room with a friend and I talked throughout the night
He told me that most of it was gibberish but some of the things which weren't were saying, quite loudly, "I'm a lesbian!", which as I am a guy my friend found amusing, and also shouting out "Blastoff!" then letting rip with a huge fart.

They still joke about this sometimes.
(underdunk, Fri 24 Aug 2007, 10:10, Reply)

Once
my step-Dad was so angry he told me he'd beat me into next week.

I guess he was right.

(Sorry)
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 24 Aug 2007, 9:45, Reply)

Tell you what...
...I'm gonna start going around doing outrageous stuff at night, then when I'm caught I'll just go to sleep and in the morning, claim not to remember a thing about it. Apparently you can get away with all sorts!
( reallywittyname veraciously conspues lexiphanicism on, Fri 24 Aug 2007, 9:43, Reply)

Pop goes the cherry...
I've done several odd things over the years in my sleep.

When I was about 15 I went to get my girlfriend out of the room where my parents were guarding her to stop me shagging her. I knew I had to be quiet as they would be furious if they caught me. As I opened the door and tried to make her out in the gloom I heard my dad say "are you ok?" - Shit! I'd been caught , but maybe I could bluff my way out of it... "I can't sleep" I said feeling proud of my cunning. "er - OK. Just go back to bed" he said. I went back to my room cursing them all the way for spoiling my fun. As my head hit the pillow I thought "You wanker, you are sleepwalking."
Much amusement followed the next morning. I lied about what I'd been looking for though. Wouldn't have found her anyway - she was 300 miles away! And if I had found her, she wouldn't have shagged me - she was very holy at the time... what a waste!

A few years later, at college, I was woken up by hammering on the door of the flat - when I dressed and looked out two old dears were there asking if I knew who the blanket in the middle of the corridor belonged to. I knew immediately it was mine, but pretended I didn't. As I has been sleeping bollock naked, I wonder to this day who saw what...

A few years ago I woke up firmly convinced that I'd watched a documentary film about the band UB40 running a "Khmer Rouge" type of psycho army out in the bush of some eastern country. I was absolutely indignant at the idea of these rich rock stars acting like loonies. How Dare They!!!
I had to watch the news for about an hour before I managed to convince myself it had all been a dream... but why the FUCK would I pick UB40???

Length - average, but it's the girth that gets em squealing.
(Nazmaonksuc, Fri 24 Aug 2007, 9:42, Reply)

I are sleeptalk!
I've on several occaisions scared the living crap out of people with my night antics.

While I was still of a santa-believing age I walked in on my parents arranging my Christmas presents under the tree. Following several 'errrs' and looking at each other, they realised I hadn't noticed anything and quickly marched me back to bed. I went on to believe in the old man till I was 11 and seriously remember nothing.

I once ate a pot of that play do stuff in my sleep.

One night, by ex boyfriend was on my laptop late into the night while I was asleep. Que 2am, everyone is fast asleep, all that could be heard was his occasional typing. I sat up fast and screamed at the top of my voice 'I'M 21!!!!!1'.

I don't think he came down from the roof for a while.

I've been known to have random conversations in my sleep. The other night I made my boyf check the bed for spiders as I had been dreaming they were spinning a web in our bed.

I'm not really addicted to sleep...
(vampyre_gem has been dead since, Fri 24 Aug 2007, 9:41, Reply)

Sleepwalking headbanger
Some years ago, when I was about 18, I used to go to Reading Rock as it was then known. I always went with a huge guy called John Mortimer (I hope you're reading this). Six foot something tall and just as wide.
The first time we went he waited till we had pitched our little 2 man tent in the pouring rain before he told me that he sleep walks. OK, not a problem I think, "How bad?" "Well I once woke up, having run the bath and got in in my pyjamas, and once I woke up when I broke my ankle falling off the kerb outside my house"
Oh
so we watch some bands, it gets to about midnight and we're staving, so we find an all night donut stand, the only thing open at Reading rock after 12 and there are about a thousand people with the muchies... To cut a long story short we get to bed about 2AM.
About 3AM John sits bolt upright in the almost dark tent (it really was a small tent) "What's up" I calmly enquire, thinking we are about to be attacked by a mob of hairy bikers. John turns round, looks at me, screams and lunges for my throat. I have no option but to chin the guy, he collapses, and starts to snore.
A very long sleepless night ensues, every time he breathed I thought he was about to strangle me. To cap it all the hirsute one didn't even remember doing it the next day.
(The Hooded Bean is in my pants Can't resist a Fanny/Tranny Joke, Fri 24 Aug 2007, 9:37, Reply)

Could I love a desk?
God knows why but I recently woke up in the middle of the night, awoke the Mrs and declared 'Don't worry dear - you're not a desk'. Suffice to say she was completely bemused so I patted her on the head patronisingly, shook my head and went back to sleep.

The following morning I was unsurprisingly quizzed about DeskGate and I managed to recall how I'd had a dream where she was worried that she might be a desk, and I saw fit to wake her and put her mind at rest.

Later in the day she did what a lot of women did and started addling my brain with ridiculous questions. I received a text message that simply read "Would you still love me if I was a desk?". Clearly seeking some kind of reassurance, I gathered my thoughts, considered the best way to put her at ease and replied "I'd still want to look in your drawers". We're still together, surprisingly.
(titusyouclown, Fri 24 Aug 2007, 9:36, Reply)

Good thing I didn't follow thru...
I don't sleep walk or sleep pee (you silly incontinent drunken fools!)
I do odd things in my sleep, I am dreaming I am doing something, then kind of 1/2 wake up and still half asleep I am aware I am doing it for real.

1. Dreaming I am a box made of steel girders, I trying to contort myself into a rigid steel frame.. then being vaguely aware I am trying to do this for real. I am on all fours on top of my bed trying to do this. I think my mother tried to get me back into bed, very hard when your thinking your a rigid frame made of steel girders...

2. Dreaming I am reaching over to get something off a shelf.. Finding I have just reached over and grabbed Mrs Middenface's face...
(she speaks gibberish in her sleep. 'we don;t need any metal ones' and 'Hmm rotting pustules'

3. Curled up with the beloved, with my bottum in her lap, then giving out two identical huge symphonic ripping farts, feeling oh so proud, but convinced I am dreaming, then being told the next day I did it for real...

4. Launching the cat from my face while asleep from a top bunk. I thought it was dream, but that cat gave me the evils next day...

5. Vommiting on my brother's ear on the bunk below, I don't think I was asleep but Funny and a good shot...

Length? Deal with it mofo, at leasts there is no urine.
(middenface Toss my salad, Fri 24 Aug 2007, 9:34, Reply)

vomit, poo, piss and a hosepipe.......
I can assure you dear reader that this is not just your average tale of pissing in the cupboard, shoes, plant pot etc.... But a tale of sleepwalking lessons learned at the expense of my future dignity.

I was 18 many moons ago and I was at my first ever house party with some mates. Up until this point in my life I had never got drunk or stoned and If you know me you'll know that I have a taste for the finer alcoholic beverages in life, beer and vodka can get fucked, I'm a fine whiskey man. We arrive at said house party with cheap booze (skol, hofmiester etc...) with the strictest intention of nicking everyone else's better quality booze. I find some quality whiskey in the garage and decide I'm gonna have a eloquent evening with whiskey, cigars and cheap floozies. But my mate 'sir snikpo' wants to have a downing competition with the expensive whiskey which I advise him is not a good idea but we duly finish the large bottle very quickly and this is where my memory ends.......

The story continues from what I've been told..... Turns out I go on the rampage at this party and thus causing all sorts of havoc. The pinnacle I've been told is when I started juggling eggs blindfolded with own sock and inevitably made a horrible mess of the carpet and my head. Allegedly I collapsed not long after this and my mates were accused of giving me drugs and promptly thrown out of the party. I was then shipped home to the folks who were not best pleased to see there first born in such a state. The old man drags me up to bed to sleep it off and dumps me there, oh and did I mention it was only half ten in the evening at this point.

This is where the fun starts. In my sleepy drunken state I somehow managed take all my clothes off, throw up over myself, piss everywhere and shit the bed. But I had also fallen asleep in this foul pit of stench and disease. Not long later my parents and little bro and sis got the shock of there lives about an hour or so after putting me to bed. I had sleepwalked bollock naked covered in shit, piss and vomit from my attic bedroom to the garden where I picked up the hosepipe walked into the house and then on into the living room where my family were watching TV, and all the time snoring my head off like an elephant with sinus problems.

My father picked up and took me into the garden and showered me and I still didn't wake up. My mother sorted out the bedding while my fucking complete toss rag of a sister documented the whole affair on video camera. The next day I felt like shit but could not remember a dam thing, my mum gave a right telling off while my dad was behind her pissing himself (I think he had done something similar in the past). After many years of searching the video remains elusive and has been locked away somewhere just waiting to show it's ugly head at some sort of function that concerns me. bugger!!!!!!!

Never sleepwalked since but i talk alot of bollocks in my sleep allegedly

No apologies for length cause I'm blessed
(CaptainCuntyBollocks the man who can with a frying pan full of lamb, Fri 24 Aug 2007, 9:31, Reply)

I woke up one morning next to the ex-Mrs Dio
I thought I had had this wonderful dream about rampant sex, so rolled over and made my intention clear that I was horny as hell.

"What? Again? You woke me up at 3 this morning wanting sex, you CAN'T be randy again by now!"

Apparently I'd had sex in my sleep. I just hope I hadn't used the name of the girl I 'dreamt' I was having sex with ...
(Dionysian Aut viam inveniam aut faciam, Fri 24 Aug 2007, 9:17, Reply)

"Check the configuration settings..."
My girlfriend was mumbling in her sleep, so I asked her what was up.

Answer? "Check the configuration settings"

What the hell?

She's also punched me in the face numberous times in the course of the night.
(Xstopher, Fri 24 Aug 2007, 9:17, Reply)

Alarming wee
When I was a young 'un I used to share a bedroom with my brother. I was woken one night by a strange sound. It sounded like my alarm clock gone weird plus there was a splattering sound and my face was getting wet. I struggled to put the light on, my arm got wet and then I could see my brother happily pissing onto my 240 volt alarm clock whilst splattering me as well. How he didnt get electrocuted I will never know. The alarm clock dried out and served a good number of years service afterwards. My brother doesnt remember the incident to this day. Needless to say, I wasnt too happy about the whole thing at the time.
(SillyMoo, Fri 24 Aug 2007, 9:09, Reply)

I blame Vorderman
A few years ago, in the dark of night, my boyfriend sat bolt upright, mid-sleep, and declared 'I really do love the numbers round in Countdown'.

Fair enough. I always preferred 15 to 1.
(Northern Lovely, Fri 24 Aug 2007, 8:47, Reply)

Not quite sleep walking
My ex has fallen asleep mid-shag/oral sex before, continuously denying that he's going to fall asleep only to be snoring excessively 5 seconds later, but still managing to carry on. Also he talks rubbish in his sleep and laughs at stuff so much it wakes him up. My son has started to do that too, he's only 17 months old, how can something be so funny at that age?
(The Ginger Penguin la la la la la la, Fri 24 Aug 2007, 8:43, Reply)