My "mates"
used to have wanking competitions. A lot of you probably think I joined in but my God I didn't. They would all be in the same room and would start jacking off. The winner would be the first to finish. After talking to them about it, I explained that they shouldn't be proud of finishing so quickly, Instead the winner should be who could last the longest. After this conversation they have never spoke of it again!
(I Want Billy, Tue 1 Jun 2004, 22:12, Reply)

Never in a touring caravan
Once when much younger on a caravanning holiday with family friends, I rubbed one out last thing at night in my little caravan bed. The family friends very innocently commented the next morning over breakfast on how the caravan had been 'shaking about a lot' the previous night. I nearly snotted Coco Pops out of my nose.
(Chalfonts, Tue 1 Jun 2004, 22:08, Reply)

"I have an Itch"
A message from Burb and Pufferfish:

A particular friend of mine takes pride in the fact that he can suck himself off. He has proven this by using such items as pencils etc. as props for demonstration. He has recounted many tales of certain events and predicaments he has been in. Such as the time he "accidentally" came all over his face. But the most brain-burstingly embarrassing moment was this little tale which was confirmed by the viewer themself. He was taking part in his favourite pasttime event with his trousers and pants around his ankles facing his bedroom door. In other words, he was fully exposed. When his Mum walked in only to see a certain eye staring at her. He then immdiately came up with the terribly thought-up response to his Mum who was in a state of uncontrollable laughter "I have an itch."
(AKismet, Tue 1 Jun 2004, 22:08, Reply)

I was caught by my older brother
who treated the whole affair with the tact and sensitivity you'd expect. The worst thing was, that it wasn't porn he caught me with, but the Grattons catalogue. That's the bit I still haven't lived down after all these years.
(grimface, Tue 1 Jun 2004, 22:03, Reply)

as many people have experienced, Windows Media Player gets easily broken
so I had set everything to open in Winamp instead. winamp keeps open whatever was there when you closed it, and usually I keep my full mp3 playlist open there.

however, in the mornings after the nights when dad had access to the computer once mum and I had gone to bed, I would often find porn video clips. dad ain't too clever.
(Mystery Woo Yay Boy, Tue 1 Jun 2004, 21:28, Reply)

a mate of mine
went on holiday to ireland for 2 weeks and shared a room with another friend, so he was forced to deprive himself for two weeks, i dont know how he did it personally. upon his return we were round his while his parents were out and one of my mates insisted on watching porn knowing how deprived our host was, he dissapeared to the "toilet" for bout 10 miutes twice, we should have started knocking on the door an stuff, shame really
( Reme Philips laid an epic dump on, Tue 1 Jun 2004, 21:17, Reply)

Yeah, and the tracing paper...
My old boarding school used to have freezing cold toilet blocks with nasty plastic seats on the loos. As soon as your thighs hit them you just lost that loving feeling, which made winter wanking rather fraught.

But upstairs in the dormitory there was an ancient little-used stall with a nice soft (unvarnished) wooden seat. Luxury. The stall didn't have a door on it (I guess people didn't expect them in 1904), but then, who comes into the top dormitory at 4.00pm?

Answer: The whole fucking rugby team, deciding that they want to wash their kit in the bath. Blimey, was lucky to get away with a week of snide remarks.
(steer, Tue 1 Jun 2004, 21:05, Reply)

oooh
how could i forget being half rumbled by my mates sister (perfectly legal) and feeling in the mood admitting to her i was masturbating.

she gave such great head

*reminisces*
( applehead herp derp, Tue 1 Jun 2004, 20:59, Reply)

Stain
I was busy in my bedroom, not really concentrating, I didn't aim right, fired crooked, and theres been a stain of my bed sheet ever since. It won't come out in the wash
(notar3alp3rs0n, Tue 1 Jun 2004, 20:44, Reply)

not me
my mate accidentally shot himself in the mouth while wanking. (with semen, not a firearm)

also my other mate used to board at school, and was part of a party of people who went on a "wank bust" (which i'm told was a regular occurance in which they'd run into the offending wanker's bedroom to catch them in the act), and caught some fellow sticking his thumb up his arse while having a good shufty. personally i'd just have just gone and vomited, but no, those lovely people made him repeat the thumb part infront of the entire boarding house.
(cap'nj, Tue 1 Jun 2004, 20:44, Reply)

Not me personally, (don't you know what R-T-C stands for?)
But some stories I have heard:

There was a strange one in my school, and apparantly he 'pulled one off' during a maths lession, behind a pile of bags.

Here at University, some guy was 'spending the night' with a girl (of all things), but had left his room unlocked, so we went in and did the usual stuff, like putting loads of gay porn on his laptop. But someone was rummaging through his drawers, and found a rather crusty sock....

Something along the lines almost happened to me;
was watching a late night French movie on BBC4 (Le Libertin) which had overly gratiatous nudity. I was sitting right in front of the TV (so I could use headphones), when I heard a faint noise. Paranoically, I switched over to BBC News 24 and jumped back to my seat, just as my dad walked in - could have been worse I guess, but it is the closest I have come to being caught 'at it'. Not sure what my Dad would have thought if he had found me sitting right in front of the TV, with nudity on-screen, but might have been embarrasing.

Hey Rob, why do you not have a story to tell, you usually do. Or should we read more into your hypotheticals????
(R-T-C Got arbitrage profits?, Tue 1 Jun 2004, 20:37, Reply)

One of my own this time.
I was beating one off when I heard voices outside my open window - on the first floor; window cleaners. Luckily the blinds were closed but I was too scared to do anything in case the they heard me. I just lay there with cock in hand petrified. I finished off after they went but it had been somehow tainted.

(Edit: Boris - that nervous tone of voice from a family member always links to wank-embarrassment thoughts in my mind too - it's almost never right)
(Chom, Tue 1 Jun 2004, 20:34, Reply)

Novel screensaver
Not strictly wanking but you know how you can set your screen saver to play your pictures? Of course you do. Well I was back from university one weekend and had my laptop on my bed open and on. I go downstairs to get a cup of tea when I hear my younger brother and sister at the top of the stairs laughing in a kind of nervous way and call me. At this point I realise it's going to be something wank related, my stomach turns and sure enough I come up to see a lovely collection of attractive women with gaping gash and dildos. It was pretty hardcore and incredibly embarassing. you won't tell mum will you?

And my flatmate (doesn't wash, listens to metal; you know the type) used my laptop to do some 'history research', I come back an hour later and the history has gone. Odd. So I look a bit deeper and I find a list of about 100 foot fetish sites. Him wanking over feet on my wank chair... not nice.
(boristheflorist, Tue 1 Jun 2004, 20:33, Reply)

A good name
Nice work, god.
(MooCow_Byter, Tue 1 Jun 2004, 20:28, Reply)

I was going to suggest this topic
But i was going to call it masturbatory mishaps :(

EDIT - Oh and that broom masturbation thing is an urban legend www.snopes.com/college/risque/broom.asp

The only thing that could count as a wanking disaster was the time i hugged my mother shortly after wank0rating, and then noticed a large amount of 'the white stuff' on my hand, which i had to discretely eat to avoid apprehension. :/
(god, Tue 1 Jun 2004, 20:25, Reply)

wanking monkeys
whilst visiting the lovely town of Chiang Mai in Thailand I was checking into a grotty hotel and was amused by an endearing little monkey who sat behind the counter with his little hand on the (male) receptionist's shoulder. This cute picture of interspecies friendship took a different turn when, whilst I filled in the registration form, the receptionist reached around and started wanking off the little monkey's cock. I found it totally offputting and forgot my passport number...
(Lordgert, Tue 1 Jun 2004, 20:25, Reply)

Two I can think of at the moment....
Although I wasn't actually caught in either of them. Well, last year when I was in holiday with my parents in Fuerteventura, they were sitting by the pool, and I went back to the room for something. And got distracted. Fortunately I had the foresight to lock the door first, because my mum came back when I was halfway through. Although the time it took me to put my clothes back on and put the stolen inflight magazine with picture of Kylie Minogue away before I opened the door must have been suspicious.

Then there was another time.... a while ago, I went through a phase of trying to give up for a week at a time, and the end of one of these weeks happened to be on the same day as my GCSE History exam. Everyone else had done coursework, so I was alone doing the last paper, and I was sitting on my own in the head teacher's office. Understandably, having been deprived for 7 days, the allure of a quick one behind the desk while the teacher was away proved too great. But he came in, although fortunately since I was behind the desk he didn't notice what was going on.

Well, that was slightly anticlimatic, if you'll forgive the expression.
(The Worminator I have discovered that Quavers are nice, Tue 1 Jun 2004, 20:13, Reply)

just about...
I live alone, so I pretty much have the opportunity to walk around naked in my apartment, and I'm sure you can imagine what that usually leads up to. Well, one morning I was lying on the couch, watching tv and just having a good old time when someone knocked at the door. That's when I remembered that someone was supposed to come by and check the fire extinguisher, and had a key to the door. My immediate reflex was to dash to the room and put on my pajamas, but I think the maintanance guy got the hint.
(pk, Tue 1 Jun 2004, 20:09, Reply)

Well, I was nearly caught...
On a car trip back home, for some reason I was bored and horny. It was a very long trip, and I thought I'd have a good wank. Well, both my parents were on the front seats, with those weird mirrors which let you see what's behind you (including back seats, and my brother having a snooze on the seat next to me.
And er, well, I started jacking off like mad. I'm suprised I didn't get caught. Or maybe I did, but my parents didn't say a word.

Another time, I was having one in the shower, as usual, and just as I come all over my hand, in pops my dad asking if I've got enough shampoo. Er, I look at my hand and say "Y..yes". No, don't worry, I didn't rub my own come over my head. And yes, my shower has a lovely curtain, so my dad didn't see a thing of what was happening behind it.

And er, another time, I was wanking in the shower, and my parents were next door. But the noise of the water splashing hid those odd squelching noises. But, er, when I came, I fell over in pure pleasure, and accidentaly turned the tap off. So the squelching noises were heard. Well, I hope not.
(The Kroc, Tue 1 Jun 2004, 19:59, Reply)

Once...
I stuck my dick in a hoover for a quick wank, It hurt like crazy and I couldnt shake one out again for a week.
(00100100, Tue 1 Jun 2004, 19:57, Reply)

Not Really wanking, but my mum thought it was
Well I was sitting at the old computer, eating one of those Muller Crunch Corners, having just cracked one out about five minutes previously.
So I'm watching some movie (think it was Mallrats) when I decide, save cleaning up a spoon, I'll pour the chocolatey bits into my mouth. So I tip, forgetting I hadn't eaten the yoghurt bit. Of course, my chest is accordingly covered in white yoghurt post-tipping, and who walks in at that moment, but my mum. Needless to say she makes her excuses and walks out.

Hope this counts as being caught at it, I don't want her to think I'm addicted!
(CustardCar is riding the back. with a hat., Tue 1 Jun 2004, 19:57, Reply)

I still feeil ill about this..
And it was 5 years ago it happened. I was on my Student Council at Uni, and myself and the President were having a meeting. The Vice-President (VP) was also supposed to be there, but we had to start without him, however he was needed so that we could get his perpective on some of things we were talking about. Now, bear in mind that this was one grotty individual who rarely bathed. So the President said to me to go and fetch the VP - they were, after all, in adjoining offices. And what made me almost vomit when I opened his (slightly ajar) door? The VP wanking off over pics of hugely obese women! And if that wasn't bad enough, the smell ws as though something had died in his trousers!
(Byronesque, Tue 1 Jun 2004, 19:48, Reply)

Two stories from Boarding School
I used to go to boarding school, although I didn't board myself. Here are two stories that come to mind....

1: Midnight 'Liberty X' wanking
One night, my best friend woke up in the early hours of the morning with an incredibly dry throat. Wandering half asleep down the corridor to the communal fridge to get a carton of milk, he was rudely jolted into full consciousness by the sight of his next-door neighbour (a strange German/Chinese boy called Georg who had a tendency to stalk my female friends) pulling one off. Stark naked. In the Common room. In front of a full length mirror. To make matters worse, he was wanking in time to the Liberty X track 'Sexy' (which he most definately was not). My mate wisely decided it was best to leave him to it, and from that day forward it became a tradition for people to bring back Vanilla Yoghurt pots from lunch and smear it over any mirror in sight.

2: Public Library wanking
It was just before our English A-Levels, and me, a friend and her Italian b/f were in the school library doing some revision. After finishing going through her essay I went over to her table and started chatting to them, and was confused by the fact that neither of them seemed to be concentrating on what I was saying. I commented on this, and then got a glare from my friend. At this point my eyes strayed downwards and I realised that she was wanking her b/f off. I decided to leave them to it.

The best thing about the whole episode was that in our next English lesson I was able to tell our teacher with a perfectly straight face "(my friend's) been working ever so hard. Only this morning I caught her finishing off The Merchant of Venice in the Library". My shins were bruised for weeks from the under-table kick I got, by my god it was worth it.

I make no apologies whatsoever for my length.
( Shrub Rocketeer is a twisted emotional husk, Tue 1 Jun 2004, 19:47, Reply)

Oh dear god.. you're asking for it now!
Came in my eye- twice! Both, so it's nice and symmetrical! (Acidentally, of course)

Pulled too hard, tore it a bit.

I compiled a list of surfaces that had seen my semen about 6 months ago (for laughs) and the number was 28. Now, i can safely say It must be around 50.

Also, my friend and I worked out the average amount of spunk we'd created, and it totalled ~50 litres.

There are so many more.. but i don't want to share them in fear of semening like even more of a pervert than I already do. There's a record that i'm currently upholding; a bloody amazing one too... but i don't want to say it.. so i won't.

Of course, my friend has also done lots of bad things, involving ejaculating while kissing his mummy goodnight, coming in his brother's bed, wanking in the school toilets..

I'm sorry... i'm just addicted :(

edit/ oh yeah, and this same friend had wanked off to about 24 girls, all of whom were hanging around with us at lunch. urgh.

edit edit/ oh yeah! and once it shot out and landed in a glass.

edit edit edit/ oh yeah, and once i managed to whack one off in every advert break of ER.
( Naive Amoeba Bored Cig, Tue 1 Jun 2004, 19:39, Reply)

Once used my vibrating mobile phone...
now iv'e been diagnosed with prostate cancer and have 3 more weeks to live. Oh well.
(project-2501, Tue 1 Jun 2004, 19:39, Reply)

my nan caught me at it when i was much younger,
to a porn mag.

for some reason, i decided to cover my modesty with said porn-mag.

AND, for some crazy reason she didn't actually notice.

hurrah!
( stevierar, Tue 1 Jun 2004, 19:25, Reply)

I used to go to boarding school.
Well, it wasn't strictly boarding as there was a commute option (which I took) but most of the posh kids boarded.
To cut a long story short, they had to ban vibrating toothbrushes from the dorms.
People also used to do gags involving porn. Nowhere was too good to stash a few pages. It got incredulous - sheets of Razzle put up flagpoles, stuck to a 25' high ceiling, inside locked book cabinets etc etc. It was our version of 'Kilroy Was Here' and brought the whole practice out in the open I suppose.
(CerberaSpeedTwelve, Tue 1 Jun 2004, 19:04, Reply)

O what a beautiful morning!
I worked for a public school (grammar school) in the special ed. department. One day I was on to meet the kids as they arrived via 'little bus' and taxi. As the first taxi arrived I noticed the female driver perturbed and embarrassed, leaning on her arm with hand cupping her eyes. As I approached I heard the unmistakable sounds of a young 'challenged' boy shouting in a loud voice, "AH AH AH AH AH AH AH..." I opened the rear door of the taxi to find him splayed out across the back seat, pants around ankles wanking with one hand whilst keeping similar rhythm on the driver's seat back with the other. He was having so much fun I wanted to join in! If I remember correctly I think I did later that day in the staff john... but fortunately was not discovered... until now... unless they heard the yelling and knew... oh well... sorry old school board chums! It was me!
(Pastor of Muppets, Tue 1 Jun 2004, 18:57, Reply)

A friend of mine...
...online associate, and colleague, used to stay at my house when away from Uni, as we used to work in the same place. One night, after being out on the lash without him, I returned home to hear sudden footsteps on the stairs and a door slamming. Walking through into the study, where my computer lived, I found mine switched on.

Curious, I took a quick look at what was running. Oh, there's Kazaa. That means, no doubt, that he's found my porn. I check the mIRC logs for the evening; sure enough, he'd been online on Mirc. What're the quotes I see?

<Kloopy> Ooh, I just found Noctu's porn.
<Kloopy> ...It's quite good.

Then, oddly, there appeared to have been silence until I came home, triggering this frantic dash for the stairs.

Strange, that.
( gone, Tue 1 Jun 2004, 18:53, Reply)

Now let that be a lesson
This kid at my school was having a sneaky wank at the back of the class, and would have got away with it, but for one thing. He turned a deathly shade of white and screamed as he had managed to get his pods twisted around each other. Much to the young man's embarassment he was carted off to hospital, where he not only had to explain to the staff and his parents what had happened, but for this sin ended up having one of his bollocks removed.
He also had to suffer the embarrassment of going through the rest of his school days with the nick name "Womble". 'Cos he only had OneBall.
Wanker.
(Soots, Tue 1 Jun 2004, 18:45, Reply)