My boss might read this so
I'm far too sensible to admit to doing anything dodgy.

However, there is no way on earth I could beat a previous colleague..

When I first met him, I was but a student, and trying to use the lab he managed. He had an office withing the lab. The lab was locked unless needed. I knocked on the door. He stood at his office door and said, merely, "fuck off". Which, not knowing better, I did.

When I started with hune, he did a few more impressive things.. One is we have a few Gay lecturers (some openly so, some not). This tech was in the lab helping a student, and the lecturer brushed past him, earning himself a short "Back Off! Your luck isn't that good.

Another time was when he decided to nick a chair. I was quite impressed with this. He dismantled the chair, used a blowtorch to cut the metal bits, over the space of three days, took the chair bits out (we had fairly tight security, there is no way he'd have got the chair out whole), and re-assembled it at home.

He had a habit of nicking stuff. We think many items of of equipment, but nothing could be proved.

However when I worked with him, He had acquired an Argon laser from somewhere. Sadly, he wouldn't tell me where the power supply was, so I couldn't fire it up.
(Ok, I'll get me coat, Wed 15 Aug 2007, 23:03, Reply)

Invasion!
The guys in the office dared me to invade a small country. I'm the decision maker in chief so I decidified to do it. For a laugh I got one of my friends to do it too!

I think some of the folks round here have been drinking a little too much because they say they'd like to see me in peach. I like blue. Or maybe red.

I also steal paper clips and play too much golf when I'm supposed to be working but nobody really notices.
(George W. Bush invading your country on, Wed 15 Aug 2007, 23:01, Reply)

Spell checker
First job after graduating. Lame story and I didn't get the sack. I worked for the company that has just lost the court case with Novell and IBM. I worked in the testing group and we were testing the latest version of our word processing package for Unix. I and another grad spent at least a day on entering all manner of inappropriate words into the thesaurus to see what was suggested as a synonym. Getting beard back for fanny had us cackling for hours.

Another day when testing out the db package we created and record a pretty detailed booger database. Not sure if it tested the software but it while away the hours. Just glad no one asked for a detailed test report.
(grahamm wish I could think of a clever sig, Wed 15 Aug 2007, 22:44, Reply)

my dopey friend lou
is a fellow lawyer, but a boring transactional one, not a cool court one like me. yes, i am taking liberties with the word "cool".

some of you might not know that in this country land is either registered, in which case proof of ownership is kept at the land registry, or unregistered, in which case it is in the deeds. these are often very old yellowed parchments, hand written with wax seals. and they stink.

lou was ordered to take some deeds home one night and keep them safe for a meeting the next day. bearing in mind these shabby old papers are the proof of ownership to a million pound site, she thought she would stick to one drink on the way home.

she woke up the next morning in bed. the deeds had been replaced by a kebab. yes... she had left the title to a buckinghamshire farm in the kebab house.

she also managed to drop original documents under a tube train en route to court for a colleague, thus shredding them, and to send confidential documents to the other side instead of the client.

oh but wait. she WAS fired.

the same girl was also waiting tables as a student. a man sitting by the door had been asking for his wine for about 30 mins. eventually lou snapped, "it's in the fridge chilling!"

and predictably he snapped, "it's RED WINE!"

she got sacked from there too.

in her most recent job, she walked into work and sat down. after a moment or two she became aware of a stench. the nasty niff persisted all day, and people were giving her desk a wide berth. lou reported it to maintenance, hoping it wasn't a dead rat in the air con or something.

all became clear at 6.00pm when she opened her tesco carrier bag to get out her gym kit. and found herself looking at a stinking sack of rubbish that she'd picked up from outside her house by mistake when she stopped to lock the door. and carried all the way to work on foot.

and yes, her gym kit was in the islington council tip by the time she got home...

oh yeah. she got sacked from there as well!!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 15 Aug 2007, 22:42, Reply)

Playing the long game
I am currently watching a tape backup attempt to restore itself in a mildly humourous fashion. And have pulled an all-nighter to do this. And read b3ta. And a few other things that will mysteriously disappear from the proxy logs.

Rest of the week off for me.

As I put it to my boss, "this automated backup won't restore itself!"
(Chewy Walrus says: It's slobberin' time!, Wed 15 Aug 2007, 21:45, Reply)

Am I the only one here....
who works relatively hard and concientiously? I appreciate thats not the QOTW, but frankly most of these answer horify me.....
(Bob the Scutter, Wed 15 Aug 2007, 21:40, Reply)

Gross Negligence
I am a newly crowned manager of a bar and have been known to leave candles burning at night, this doesnt sound too bad but about 15 years ago the bar burnt down because of someone leaving the candles on. I also dont empty/turn off the glass washer at night.

Roll the dice, fire or flood, your choice!
(icant_believeits_nota_WMD, Wed 15 Aug 2007, 20:55, Reply)

Amphetasandwich.
I shouldn't be fired from my job, I am hard working and trustworthy.
But the lady in the sandwich shop in Sydney who, when a large lump of speed fell from her nose into my baguette smiled, slapped some cheese on top and said "whoops" before bagging it up for me, should probably receive at least a verbal warning.
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Wed 15 Aug 2007, 20:07, Reply)

OXOOXOXXXO
Being a student, for money I work at sexy Morrisons (although, my name being Martin, it is pretty cool walking round with the letter 'M' all over your uniform!) and whilst dressing aisles we're told to make sure that all the OXO cubes display as saying OXOXOXO in a row, well little do they know that I purposely muddle them up into some incompehensible mess! Muahahahaha
(Azhri, Wed 15 Aug 2007, 18:16, Reply)

email
In my first city job I used to go out drinking at lunch most days, one sunny afternoon we went out for a particularly heavy session for this guys birthday and proceeded to neck 8 pints of Stella. Upon my return to the office around 4pm I decided it would be a good idea to send him a message that read 'You're a horse stroking cock sucker'. A few minutes after sending the message he hadn't replied, so I checked the sent item and realised that I'd sent it to Sarah of the same surname in the Guernsey branch rather than Simon who was sitting next to me.

I immediately sent and apologetic e mail but unfortunately she had already sent it to her manager.

The following day I got called into my bosses office where he sat me down and said 'Do the words, Horse stroking cock sucker mean anything to you?' I couldn't help laughing and luckily he thought it was pretty funny too! Eventually Sarah saw the funny side of it as well and dropped the complaint.
(Barry from Botton, Wed 15 Aug 2007, 18:10, Reply)

Maybe should have been, but wasn't.........
When I was about 19 I used to work in a rather posh 5 star hotel. It was by far the easiest job i can imagine. Out of an 8 hour shift I had about 2 hours of work to do.
To fill in the rest of the time i'd rotate between our smoking room (roughly 3 hours per day), hiding in the large stock rooms behind piles of boxes(about 1 hour per day) and spending quality time with room maids(the other 2 hours)

During the time i was actually working part of my job was being responsible for organising uniforms for all the staff... all the attractive maids and waitresses got to walk around in very short skirts and tight blouses.

Along with that i topped it off with stealing loads of consumables (I was responsible for the stores too) and having first pick of anything in the lost property (Another part of my job)

The best thing was not one person ever realised how little i did and when i came to move on they begged me to stay for another month to train my replacement. Needless to say I told them where to go.

.......And when i was spending quality time with the room maids? Lets just say they needed to change some of the sheets again after i'd been to see them.
(bangorip fears all is not well, Wed 15 Aug 2007, 17:58, Reply)

Never been sacked but should have been for the following.
Looking at hardcore pornography and beating off while on the phone to constituents.

Wanking in the toilets. Being drunk. Being late. Being absent. Stealing the petty cash to buy drugs to then take while on the job.

And various other things about which I wont go into detail. Well, there are some things you just dont talk about in public.
(French Duke, Wed 15 Aug 2007, 17:18, Reply)

Welgar....
Are you Prince Phillip?
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Wed 15 Aug 2007, 17:05, Reply)

I *was* going to be fired...
...only I'd left the day before.

Had an office job in Sydney for a large property development company/hotel chain/shopping centre company. Pretty bloody large company.

They were doing a rather contraversial redevelopment project of wharfside property adjacent to Sydney harbour bridge and the main newspaper (Sydney Morning Herald) posted an online survey for their readers to guage how the local population felt about it.

An email came round from the MD of the whole company noting the survey with the line "I don't think I need to tell you which way to vote".

This was like a red rag to a bull for me. The newspaper was asking for genuine feedback from the city and this knob jockey not only wanted to pervert the figures but wanted to steal my freedom of opinion.

So I did something very very bad.

I forwarded the email to the editor of the newspaper with a note explaining what had happened and suggesting they may want to disregard the figures from the survey.

You should liken this to the editor of the Times being sent an email authored by the MD of Tesco that totally proves they're a twunt.

I noticed the survey went offline about an hour later. End of the day I finished my work there and left.

Two days later I get a phone call, seems that my former employer had been trying to track me down. Since I was a temp that had no real details for me and were thinking of getting the police involved on the charge of industrial sabotage.

I vented my opinions about the actions of the MD, I was asked to apologise in writing to the head of dept I'd worked for. I declined the offer and decided not to put them down for a reference ;-)
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Wed 15 Aug 2007, 16:27, Reply)

I DID get fired
1. for; 'Your tops ride up when you reach up to change the background' (photography studio) said the pregnant daddies-money-bought-my-business manageress whos top rode up and pants slid down.

2. for learning how to cheat the computer in a betting shop to pay me some extra wages.

I shouldn't get fired from my current job since I am self employed.
(vampyre_gem has been dead since, Wed 15 Aug 2007, 16:18, Reply)

HellDesking
First post, so try not to be too harsh.

Started working for a large "British Telecommunications" company after finishing college. After a while, I wangled a position on the web support team (6 people) When I started, there was a rota for the afternoon/sunday shift (Tuesday-Sunday, 1pm-9pm) which I liked to work. (quiet). I managed to convince the manager that I should work this shift permanent as the other team members didn't like it. Why I should have been fired?

Using the huge bandwidth to play Network Quake with the other people in the office
Using the prototype streaming TV to watch the F1 on a Sunday
Using ICQ to chat to people constantly, and telling the manager it was a group of like minded techs so I could get quick responses to questions
Bouncing calls around the office when I didn't fancy talking to anyone (just set the phone to not ready and listen to another phone ring nearby)
Surfing the net continuously through the day (anything and everything)
Playing Online RPG's (not MMORPG, but chat based games) for 4 hours each evening when the phones stopped ringing)

I finally went on sick for 2 months with depression, and when I tried to go back, was told I wasn't really welcome, and that I wasn't fired, but my temp contract had ended so I could sign on straight away.
(thatguythere is wondering where he is, Wed 15 Aug 2007, 15:27, Reply)

For NOT destroying shoes!....
There is a chain of shoe stores. Sometimes, a store will get a less-than-perfect example of an item of footwear or simply end up with a remainder size from 3 seasons ago; either of which can be deemed to be uneconomic to send back to central warehouse etc. Said shoe chain belives that its reputation for "quality" footwear would be tarnished if these shoes were made available for otherwise shoeless folk..So, they must not be just thrown away, but must be rendered irreparable with a craft knife. Staff cannot have them, unless they are purchased at cost plus 10%.

I am ashamed. I have once, but now do not, destroyed a shoe.
(dadadali has hybrid vigour, Wed 15 Aug 2007, 15:13, Reply)

My friend Phil and I
worked at the same godforsaken call centre on different floors. It was a mutual friend's (Gem) birthday so he got everyone in the office to sign the card, even though no-one knew her.

Looking through the card I asked.'Who the hell signed it LE5?'
'Lesley. She's completely blind but can write', says he, and introduced me.

Luckily she found this hilarious (and wasn't my boss).
(Medibot, Wed 15 Aug 2007, 15:11, Reply)

Not me, honest gov
A while back, in an office not too dissimilar to the one I work in…
One of the guys in the office (and his wife from a different floor) had been trying for a baby for ages and ages, nothing doing, so they tried Artificial insemination, again, nothing doing. So finally they decided to adopt a child. Once the deed was done, a card came round the office for people to sign and some kind soul wrote in it "Give me my kid back you bastard".
(fower.thief, Wed 15 Aug 2007, 14:33, Reply)

Doh!
I can't be fired from my currant job. I work for my step-father and the repercussions would be nuclear. Besides I couldn't let someone else have to put up with his shitty moods when things aren't going well at work and his farting in the office.

Should have got fired from last job for taking too much speed at work. Mind you, it was the only way I could get throught the shit load of work we were expected to do.

Should have got fired from the job before that for shagging the bosses son. Oh sorry I did get fired from that job but that was for not doing the job that they weren't sure how I should be doing or could be bothered to let me know how to do. Eh!
( girlinthehole, Wed 15 Aug 2007, 14:25, Reply)

Teenage chip shop girl etc.
I ask for curry sauce with my chips and she says: "I wouldn't if I were you. It's awful."

Guy in a posh off-licence: "I wouldn't buy that whisky here. It's much cheaper at ASDA."

Assistant in Polish kitchenware shop: "Don't touch any of those pans!"
(frankspencer, Wed 15 Aug 2007, 14:12, Reply)

Ticket Nazis
If there is someone who SHOULD be fired it is the ticket Nazi working on platform 13/14 at MAnchester Picadilly.

Anyone who uses the station will no him- he has a really loud voice - is always shouting and is guaranteed to focus on anyone who is a) Black, b) young or his particular favourite c) black and young.

I have actually seen him chase passengers and push one of them even though they BLATENTLY showed him their ticket.

He really feels the need to touch each ticket - which means everyone is held up hen they are trying to get to work/connecting trains.

All the others just stand there collecting thier wages- but he really feels like he is making a difference. Twunt of the HIGHESt degree (he even has be typing in bold - which just goes to show how much I hate him)

If you are reading this and have the power- SACK HIM.
(audreyforbes audreyforbes, Wed 15 Aug 2007, 13:26, Reply)

Nearly fired from a job I never had...
When I was living at University and had no money, I admit to having bought some of my clothes from charity shops: one was a white shirt with vertical thin red stripes on it.

Walk into WHSmiths on a bored Saturday, I'm approached by an old lady who asks me where she could find a certain author: I guess with my cheapo recycled charity shop shirt, I looked like I might work there, especially through her bottle-bottom glasses.

I suggested where the book should be but told her I wasn't actually staff so didn't know for certain - and so she stormed off to complain to a manager about my 'unhelpful' attitude: she was expecting me to go find the book for her.

The manager appeared to take her complaint seriously, until I waved and smiled and he realized that I wasn't actually a member of his staff: with her still complaining about my 'service', I walked out of the shop saying in a way she could overhear "thats it, I've had enough of helping the bloody blue-rinse brigade: I quit!"
(paulplex erm, hi..., Wed 15 Aug 2007, 13:21, Reply)

Not me but..
I was shopping in Greece with a girl who was on the large side. OK, she was quite obese. So, we walked into a branch of Morgan and the stick-thin assistant looked my friend up and down before saying, "Madam, we have NOTHING for you." Friend walks out crying.

Should the assistant have been fired for that?
(frankspencer, Wed 15 Aug 2007, 12:26, Reply)

Emily Bruce
Would that be the 55 page version found here?
wwf.nilebasin.net/doc/NBD.doc

EDIT; I should sack myself for wasting time, looking at this site far to often, not working whilst berating staff for following my example, encouraging staff production through bribery and violence and other reasons which i can't be arsed thinking of
( SpikeyPickle wishes he was mabazaritchie, Wed 15 Aug 2007, 12:01, Reply)

Posting text to yourself
Creamy Discharge, I'm WAYYYYYYY lamer than you. I used to post journal articles from my uni account so I could read "The Impact of GONGOs on Sustainability Projects in the Nile Delta" in the call centre. Not for uni or anything, just because I enjoyed them.

I don't get laid often.
(Emily Bruce-Dickinson http://jovialfellow.blogspot.com/, Wed 15 Aug 2007, 11:36, Reply)

I work in a open plan office
and my boss’s boss looks directly at my screen all day, so skiving is off the cards. Luckily however I write and run a fair few models on my PC, so if that’s seen to be doing something then I can sit and play sudoku, draw cartoons, or massage my hangover.

One of the models I run looks very similar to all the others, but does the square root of eck all. I just enter the time at which I will be happy to resume labour and a progress bar builds serenely across the screen, magically reaching 100% at the alloted hour. To add an air of authenticity the screen flashes a bit and is accompanied by various messages; most are either thinly veiled 24 references “prioritizing active protocols”, or meaninglessly mathematical “dimensioning heteroscedasticity matrix”.
(badge 3.141592653589793238462643383279, Wed 15 Aug 2007, 11:01, Reply)

a proud record
In no particular order here is a selection of various sackable offences that i have comitted over the last decade or so. This list is combined from various places of employment.

Drinking at work

misuse of company cell phone

Turning up late

missuse / abuse of customers cars

Unauthorised absences from work premisis

Threatning and swearing at customers

downloading large amounts of porn

missuse of company vehicles

Leaving an "unflushable" in the customer toilet

Complete disregard for safety rules

missuse of company fuel card

falsifying time and production sheets

Verbally abusing managers

Very innapproprate racist/sexist/tasteless jokes

sleeping at work

Causing a co-workers mental breakdown

Doing a burnout in a Rolls Royce

Unbeliavably i have never been fired , warned or even bollocked for any of the above actions. Not getting caught helps.

despite all this i am regarded as a model employee wtf???
(welgar, Wed 15 Aug 2007, 10:44, Reply)

A former colleague of mine
was, in one of his previous jobs, employed as a welder. In Ireland, very close to the border with Northern Ireland. He would have been sacked for this little stunt (if not imprisoned) had he been found out.

One of his favourite tricks was to fill an empty crisp bag with oxygen and acetylene, put it on a piece of newspaper, light the paper and shove it in below the cubicle door when someone was having a crap. The victim would instinctively stamp on it to put it out, which of course expelled the gas and caused it to explode. Much hilarity ensued from seeing the innocent crapper emerging shellshocked from the cubicle.

Anyway, one day, said mate and his colleagues decided to scale up the experiment. They got a big black bin bag, and filled it with an explosive oxygen/acetylene mix, sealed the end with tape and took it off over a field into a ditch. They placed a "fuse" of newpaper, lit the end and ran like hell. 100m or so away, they sat, hiding below a piece of sheet steel.

Several minutes passed.

Eventually, they decided the paper had gone out and went to approach the device. Major error - never go back to a firework once lit, children. They had fortunately only gone a few feet before it went off.

He described the effect, which occurred in a fraction of a second, of the hedge by the ditch suddenly going from green leaves to nothing, and a ripple in the grass as the shock wave made its way over the field. Then BOOOOMM!

They legged it back to work.

Seconds later there were police sirens and blue lights everywhere. As there was no evidence of any explosion, save for the mutilated hedge, they were never caught. But apparently when the heat was off, they'd gone back to the scene and found no evidence of the bin bag, just a bare earth crater where the grass had been blown away, and a large amount of slimy green mush, which was the foliage which had been blown off the hedge.

Must have been quite spectacular.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 15 Aug 2007, 10:06, Reply)