woof
My friend had been shagging a girl for a couple of weeks on and off & naturally we were all keen to meet/assess her (see how many teeth she had missing...etc).

We were waiting in the pub for her to arrive and he was genuinely pleased as punch (well, as pleased as a wife-beating puppet can be).

An hour after she hadn't turned up, he (against our advice) went outside and gave her mobile a ring.

When he came back inside, he looked puzzled and a little angry. We asked what had happened and he said

"It turns out she's developed tourettes and can't ever leave her house again..."

Us - all blank faced

"Then she barked like a dog".

That girl is a genius.
( moonjam, Thu 17 Jun 2004, 23:57, Reply)

Top bloke
Not spectacular, but my (ex) bf decided to dump me at Xmas. So, he bought me a present, and wrote on the tag "thought you might need this, as you're dumped".

The present? An 8" vibrator.

One of the better ways to be dumped, for sure!
(emma_fisi, Thu 17 Jun 2004, 17:39, Reply)

since you ask..
To quote my hopefully soon to be ex-wife, "It's not so much I've been sleeping with another man, more sort of....men...oh and you need to go to the STD clinic."


...meh...
( mooglemania Please disregard this sig., Thu 17 Jun 2004, 16:22, Reply)

Crazy Name, Crazy Lady
I came back to my student room to find my window had been smashed, my clothes slashed and anything that could be ripped up had been ripped up

To top things off nicely the words "you're so dumped honey love Nish xxx" had been triumphantly sprayed in two foot high letters across my wall

Such carnage is bad enough at the best of times, but even worse when the girl in question is not your girlfriend and had got the wrong fucking room. . .
(le renard, Fri 18 Jun 2004, 16:11, Reply)

Hey Judy!
I hope your reading B3ta today, cause you're dumped bitch!
(Steve The Monkey, Fri 18 Jun 2004, 10:27, Reply)

Once
I went out with a beautiful photoshopped image of the love of my life.

Now she's my
( The Lurker Plenty One, Fri 18 Jun 2004, 2:06, Reply)

nutters
I had a mate who worked for social services and he told me the following.

A couple in the midlands were his clients. They were a tad on the loopy side. One evening hubby turns up pissed on a nicked post office van. It was him and 3 mates and a young lady. The 3 mates were needed to balance the post office van as it only had 3 wheels. On arrival hubby jumps out of van legs it into the house and locks his wife in the lounge. Hubby then takes young lady upstairs and starts horizontal gymastics. Meanwhile wife smashes window of lounge, climbs out, lets herself in using the front door keys. She goes upstairs ,knocks out hubby and throws out young lady. She then ties hubby to bonnet of car and drives him up and down the M42 until apologetic noises were heard



this is my first post on this fine forum you like ?
(binner, Fri 18 Jun 2004, 12:54, Reply)

RimJob Breakup
I was dating the "sensitive guitar guy" for a few months, and was enjoying life in his suburban apartment and his cologne (fahrenheit, EWWWWW). I showed up at his house one evening, and proceeded to give him a ridiculous blow job. During the festivities, I heard him request a finger in his ass. I obliged, a little freaked out, but in love enough to oblige. After rimming his anus, swallowing his semen, I laid next to him only to hear "I don't think this is working out, we need to break up". Keep in mind, I'm naked, covered in semen, with a stink finger. As I tearfully put on my clothes, he tells me I can stay, spend the night, to which he got a glass thrown at his head.

Needless to say, I've never fingered another butthole since...
(katiel, Thu 17 Jun 2004, 19:38, Reply)

not me...
but my partner's brother managed to dump someone, literally. Whilst on the way home he was having an argument with his then current girlfriend. Conveniently at the side of the road there was a large skip outside a house being renovated.

Instead of continuing to bicker he simply picked her up and placed her in the skip. Doesn't really require further comment.
(garfi3ld, Fri 18 Jun 2004, 7:51, Reply)

Theatrically dumped.
Took my family to see my girlfriend's production of A Midsummer Nights Dream.

As we approached the ticket stand she saw us and ran towards me. My parents smiled approvingly with every bounce in her step, as did my grandparents.

Perhaps no-one expected her to bounce past us, wrap her arms around the lead actor and french kiss him - tongues flapping like two boxes of trawled trout being pressed together.

Explaining to Grandma that it wasn't actually part of the play was what hurt more.

"Then why did she do it?"

*sigh*
(microsaulxp, Thu 17 Jun 2004, 17:02, Reply)

I invited my ex
round for some sympathy sex, and much to my consternation, she got it together with my dashing housemate.

In the light of this injustice, I clenched my fists and called upon God to let loose his wrath upon these two infidels.

He only bloody did, didn't He?

Not only did my housemate get scabies from her, but he also fell off a cliff while trying to impress her with a bit of free climbing. Broke both his legs. She also near-totalled his car while driving him around.

This was all a bit too much, and he dumped her after 3 weeks.

It was at this point, with tears of sympathy in my eyes, I unclenched my fists, and asked God to tone it down a bit.

Haven't heard too much from The Man Upstairs since, though.
( String Theory sometimes feeds the sparrows too, Fri 18 Jun 2004, 15:06, Reply)

Oh yes
My Fiancee dumped me by letter which she wrote from New Zealand, where she was staying as part of her "year out travelling".

The letter arrived on my birthday.

However, I did have all her valuable antique furniture at the time (left to her by her dearly departed father). How we laughed as we built a bonfire in my back garden.

She asked for it back when she arrived back in England. I sent it in an envelope....
( groovegenerator The man who mistook his wife for his wife, Thu 17 Jun 2004, 20:01, Reply)

Not dumped
But dumping. I'd never dumped anyone before, and i'd been going out with her a year & fallen for someone else (hadn't done anything though). The fact that I was a teenage mumbling mess made everything very messy. on, Then i had to give her a kitten which i had gotten her as a valentine's present (after the fact) before i realised i was going to dump her, which i'd already gotten from a mate's cat's litter and could do nothing else with.

Dumped and then given a kitten: I can only imagine how confused she was. I know i was...
(Dopefish, Thu 17 Jun 2004, 16:49, Reply)

Current squeeze...
Is a girl I've been shagging for a few months but not really 'going out with', as my heart lies elsewhere.

Anyway, cut a long story short, she's moving up to Glasgow in 2 weeks, and as a going away gift for her, my mates between them have offered me £90 if I can film myself performing a 'Spiderman' on her.

FYI A 'Spiderman' is the art of pulling out just before the vinegar strokes, chucking your fat into your hand, then flinging it in the girls face whilst triumphantly shouting "Go web go!!"

It's tempting for the money, but I do hold a certain amount of respect for the girl as she awarded me my brown wings and a good 3 hours of 'home videos'. I'll flip a coin or something.
(Jon Norris, Fri 18 Jun 2004, 13:17, Reply)

Haha... it's still the gold standard in our house...
I had a horiffic boyfriend about 5 years ago who was always fucking about behind my back. One day I saw the light and walked off, just leaving him there.

A week later (after several phone calls, most of which he hung up on me during) it's my birthday and the grannies are coming to tea. I'm there in the kitchen with my hands covered in cake mix when the phone rings, so my sister answers it and holds it to my ear.


ex: We need to talk.
me: I have nothing to talk to you about.
ex: What about us?
me: There is no us.
ex: but... but
Little sister (wreching the phone away from my ear): BYE MR FUCKHEAD!!!!

And she hangs up.

Never heard from him again... well, until the 12 red roses arrived half an hour later. I didn't keep them.

Sometimes my sister rules.
(DuckieMonster, Thu 17 Jun 2004, 23:30, Reply)

Christmas
hmm. after nigh on three years of living together my (now) ex went home for christmas as we both used to do. i used this as my opportunity to gwan and buy her a romantic present (the year before i bought her a kitchen knife. a very expensive one mind you. one that she wanted as well) to make up for the previous year's present.
i traipsed all the way to selfridges from hackney and found myself skiting the agent provocateur section (not sure what's more worrying; a man in a ladies underwear shop, or the man walking repeatedly past trying to pluck up the courage...).
eventually i took the plunge, walked in, and found that i'd have to walk all the way to poland st in soho as the selfridges one didn't do gift vouchers (i may be a man, but i'm not so stupid as to actually choose the underwear myself!).
thusly i did walk there.
this time i only loitered outside for two pass by's of the shop front.
i did get the £130 worth of vouchers in the end. not after i'd suffered the torture of the shop girls bearing all the stock gladly from beneath their little pink dresses while i try to look the other way as i'm buying lingerie for the woman i love etc etc.
i get home completely shattered and considerably poorer; but convinced of the joy the little lady would recieve.
the phone rings.
tis her.
she has decided we must split up.
i couldn't really argue with her to be honest. not that i deserved it; just: what the lady wants, the lady gets innit?
i still gave her the underwear. we are still friends.
but will i ever get to see the fruit of my endeavours?
like fuck i will.
kitchen knives from now on it is then....
( ginmakesamanmean Few and far between, Thu 17 Jun 2004, 20:16, Reply)

involve the in laws
A friend of mine ( an anagram of his name is david) has the honour of being able to tell people he managed to turn 2 of his ex's into lesbians.

As a matter of fact they ended up with each other...... but i remember the classic way he dumped one of them was to call her father up after a long, drunken and tortuous row to demand that he come and take away his "demented bitch of a daughter as i can't stand the sight of her"... which he promptly did
(gentleben, Fri 18 Jun 2004, 11:56, Reply)

old school disco
my girlfriend was trying to tell me something. which i couldn't hear over the music. so she went and borrowed the dj's microphone and told me via the medium of several large speakers. well she could have bloode well gesticulated "let's go outside" but noooooo
(cap'nj, Fri 18 Jun 2004, 2:04, Reply)

My Excuntwhore
Well here's the worst thing that ever happened to me, and this is how I was dumped.

My excuntwhore Meredith and I had been together for a year and a half. So, I'm thinking that everything is fine for a while and then she tells me those two words that males dread with every bit of their being: I'm pregnant.

Fuck! Is what I was thinking.
What! Is what I said.

So like a normal boyfriend that is pretending to care about her well-being at the moment, I ask her what she's going to do. She is going to have it.

Fuck! Is what I was thinking.
What! Is what I said.

So to make a long story short, she calls me a week later and said that she miscarried. I felt bad for her. I really did.

Then another week later, she tells me that she had an abortion. I again felt bad for her and asked her why? She said because she knew I didn't want it and it was her problem.

Another week later, she calls me to tell me that it wasn't mine and she was breaking up with me.
(The_strung_out_suicide_machine, Thu 17 Jun 2004, 22:07, Reply)

probably the most spectacular dumping I've ever had
I came back from work on the day after my birthday, opened the front door and...

All her stuff was gone. And all my DVD's. And a post it note on my computer.

And that's how I learnt I was getting divorced.

After she moved out though, she refused to return the keys to the flat. So whilst I was at work she kept coming back, taking things she felt like keeping, switched on my computer, copied files she wanted, hacked my email account, read all my emails for a few months (good thing I knew she was doing this, so got a few offline friends to participate in a Mega Bullshit stream), tried and failed to hack into my other email accounts, tried to screw over and empty the joint bank account, then served me with divorce papers proclaiming I was a pornography addicted wifebeater into a swinging lifestyle.

The day before she left we'd had a row because she thought that a birthday card from my Dad was from one of the thousands of women I was suppsoed to be having an affair with. Needless to say, I'd had enough of that bullshit.

Before she left mind you, she used to ring up all my female friends whenever I was working late to make sure I wasn't up to my nuts in guts with them, reckoned I was sleeping with at least 3 women regularly, thought that when I went to work I was actually having orgies with Everyone In South London, and was generally a weirdo living in cloudcuckooland. Oh, and on top of this, she didn't have a job for a year before she left so cost me thousands of pounds as I paid the bills because someone had to.

She would also regularly disappear for hours at a time, with a male friend, before moving in with him. Hmm. Affair, anyone?

Oh, and she was a drunk driver and once fell asleep hungover whilst driving on the motorway. She was also a former Coke Addict who'd been on the gak for a few years previous but apparently now cleaned up.

Secretly I was hoping she would leave, but my God, what a way to be dumped. It was like a bad BBC2 sitcom. Still no doubt she has been putting out for England ever since, unlucky bastards that they are, but tonight "thank god its them instead of you".

So there you go, in one day I lost a wife, a computer, a lot of CD's, some of my clothes, all my DVD's, and the hope of ever seeing several thousand pounds ever again. I really wish I had been a pornography addicted, wifebeating philanderer, but I still wouldn't've got my money's worth out of that dumb waste of pubic hair.
(domesticterrorist, Thu 17 Jun 2004, 21:59, Reply)

oh and the other one
well this was some fat ugly mental wannabie goth spide whore.

I just told her that my mother wanted beautiful grandchildren, so as she had no chance of supplying them, then that was that.
(Finn_coyote, Fri 18 Jun 2004, 5:52, Reply)

A friend of mine got off with this blonde girl at a party a few years back, let's call her debbie for no particular reason
So later in the evening, I said to him "so where's debbie then?" and he didn't know, she had run off suddenly.
A search ensued and after some time we found "debbie" and where was she?
She was in the bathroom slashing her wrists.

Well, my friends ego was somewhat dented, but we carted debbie off to the hospital, never to be seen again.

(although I'm pretty sure she didn't die, so I guess that's a happy ending)
( VampireMonkeyOnSpeed a super sexy sexual sex terrorist sex, Thu 17 Jun 2004, 17:54, Reply)

weeeeellll
after drinking alot to get dutch courage (maybe a little too much) I squared up to my (soon to be ex) girlfriend and I opened my mouth to say.......
"I dont think we should see each other any more" but the words seemed to be coming out of her mouth not mine. I suddenly realised she had jsut dumped me...when I was going to dump her.. unfortunatelly I laughed very loud about this (darn dutch bravery) which seemingly was the wrong thing to do as she ran off crying.
( Nostrebor can't be everything all the time., Thu 17 Jun 2004, 16:26, Reply)

dumped by dump
An ex of mine once shat on my pillow and left a note beside her steaming turd pile saying I was dumped.

I had to laugh.
(Smell eep!, Fri 18 Jun 2004, 14:23, Reply)

Ooh! Just remembered!
My friend has this bitch of a girlfriend who never talked to him, and he wanted to dump her- but in an interesting way. Well we were all suggesting fun ways to dump her, and he decided on my one.

So, he walks up to her in her huge gang of cronies, and says:

Him: "Knock knock"
Her: "Who's there?"
Him: "Not you any more!"

Unfortunatly he didn't do the one we all wanted him to do; drop his pants and smack her across the face with his dick.. damn..
( Naive Amoeba Bored Cig, Fri 18 Jun 2004, 8:53, Reply)

bus ticket...
Several years ago when I was a student in Manchester, I asked a girl I was seeing if she fancied staying the night... she replied with "No. I bought a return bus ticket and I am going to get my value for money."

The bus ticket cost £1.60. It ended a couple of days later, obviously.
( hanrahan, Thu 17 Jun 2004, 23:53, Reply)

A friend of mine
decided to dump her boyfriend on his birthday. She was copying a CD of hers for him, and decided to add an extra track on the end. This extra track consisted of about four of us singing 'You're dumped' down her computer microphone (note: we can't sing) for three minutes.
They stayed friends, but not for long.
(HanaBizzle, Thu 17 Jun 2004, 20:29, Reply)

Hoooooo BOY!
I was dumped by my first boyfriend because he'd slept with my best friend, who was drunk at the time.

Might not sound very spectacular, but we were all around twelve at the time.

Hooray for rednecks.
(GirnsieBabes- Ring baloney once! Ring baloney twice! Hey-ya, Kutztown sure is nice!, Thu 17 Jun 2004, 17:47, Reply)

Talk about getting the hint.....
A few years ago my brother had been going out with a girl for a few months. Everything seemed to be fine and he went off on holiday for 3 weeks (on his own as it was October and she was busy). When he came back he called her and found out that she'd got married to someone else in his absence!? (To someone she'd met while he was away!)
(Hazy, Thu 17 Jun 2004, 16:49, Reply)

Run, run like the wind!
OK. It was a safe number of years ago in a pub in Camden and I was approached at the bar by a very attractive young black girl whose birthday it was. She said that she had noticed that I was on my own and invited me to join her and girl friends at her table. Of course, I accepted and much alcohol was consumed and we flirted outrageously throughout the evening.

At the end of the night she asked me to go back with her to her flat and left her friends to take another cab. Of course, I accepted and the anticipation on the way there was almost unbearable. We got back to hers and undressed with total disregard for foreplay and then we got down to work. After hours of mutual pleasuring (modest, eh?) I pleaded for some kip before passing into a coma-like sleep. When I awoke, she was half dressed, running around the room frantically picking up the rest of her clothes, telling me to GET UP. It was a Saturday morning, I wasn’t working and I had, to quote Withnail, “A bastard behind the eyes”, with no Aspirin in sight. As the sunlight blazed through the window, I asked her what the problem was…

She said, “You have to leave. My husband is coming up the stairs with our kid.”

I hold the world record for the naked, back stairs hangover dash!
(thathitsthemark, Fri 18 Jun 2004, 13:18, Reply)