Below the belt!
A friend of mine had an argument with his Dad.He called him an "old bastard".His Dad replied with"I would have sexually abused you as a child if you weren`t so fucking ugly!".
(chuffster, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 18:32, Reply)

Another one.
I was seven, running around the garden, with a poin-ted stick.
As you do, being a kid.

Suddenly my mum starts shouting from the kitchen

"If you keep running around with that stick, you'll poke your eye out!"
"What are you going to do then?"

I replied "I'll become a pirate mum!", and continued running around.
( tef, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 15:06, Reply)

This isn't strictly one of mine
I think a mate told me about it but I might be wrong...

Basically he was getting abuse from a stupid chav/charver at a Metro station so he told the charver to "fuck off" the charver puffs out his chest and says "Here! d'yee naa who me dad is?" in a my dad is a dangerous criminal kind of way to which he replies "No. Do you?"
( fassit is old, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 15:53, Reply)

I smoke, deal with it.
My friend karen often tries to convince me to stop smoking.
Last time we were in the pub, she convinces her friend to speak up.

We, the smokers were hidden away in the corner, making sure none of the militant anti-smokers would have a chance to steal our glorious nicotine.

He walks over, and starts preaching.

You really shouldn't smoke young man...
I used to smoke 60 a day, and then I had a lung taken out.

I asked him if he only smoked 30 a day now.

He left me alone :)
( tef, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 14:56, Reply)

Hats
At Uni, we had a formal night that landed on the same night as my 21st. The Powers that be decided this was a Hat Formal - people had to go in amusing headwear. I got twatted on a bottle of Pernod, and had told to be told this story myself.

There was a guy at Uni I hated after he told my future missus that she should be seeing someone better than me. We had a real simmering hatred. Anyway, as I went into the meal, wearing a crappy old Leeds Utd bobble hat I had since the age of 7, he walked past and sneered "What are you wearing?". My brilliant, witty reply, apparently delivered in my near comatose state in Oscar Wilde/Stephen Fry fashion as if it was the most stunning retort imagined:

A FUCKING HAT, YOU FAT CUNT

That became my catchphrase until I graduated.
( Rev. A-MOL is lurking around these parts again, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 14:36, Reply)

Hello new person. Please read our FAQ. Cheers.
( Zak McFlimby Twibbling @McFlimby, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 14:38, Reply)

was out with a woman friend once when this happened
Random bloke: "Ere, love, sit on me face"

Her: "Why, is your nose bigger than your penis?"
( isthisyou?, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 14:26, Reply)

This is a corker (Garry again!)
So also while in Spain (same holiday - see previous post), we were in our hotel and hed been at the bar for most of the night.

We went to the gents, took a piss, and started to work towards the door...

Suddenly some German guy pipes up "Hey boys!.... In Germany they teach us to wash our hands after going to the bathroom!"

To which Garry quips... "In England they teach us not to piss on our hands!".


Still makes me laugh 15 years on.
(JaffaMused local in the So.Cal, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 22:39, Reply)

I was at a New Year's party
at my girlfriends all of oooh four months ago.

For some reason everyone had decided to call me 'gay' - possibly because I'm quite camp.

My girlfriend also decided, on one occasion, to proclaim 'You're so gay.'

To which I responded, loudly enough for the whole room to hear:

"You won't be calling me gay when I'm fucking you up the arse later."

You could have heard a pin drop.
( backrubslut - treguna mekoides trecorum satis dee, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 15:15, Reply)

One of my other favorite ones, happened to a friend.
Walking down the street, to only get accosted by one of the cancer research vultures.

"Do you have a minute for cancer research?"

*Waves fag at them* "I'm doing some of my own, thank you"
( tef, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 14:58, Reply)

On a course, which was so utterly pointless...
..as to constitute criminally defrauding the taxpayer by spending good money on sending people on it(course consisted of a bit of playskool level psychology, new age arseery, a personality test - turns out I didn't have one! - and the overall conclusion that 'we're all diffrent and have to learn to work together people), the course 'facilitator' asked us all to write down our expectations of the day, seal them up in an envelope and then she would open them at random at the end of the day.
Anyway, come the end of the day the comments are being read out, mostly sheep like stuff like 'I would like to learn empowering strageties for more integrated collaborative working with my colleagues' the writer then being asked to identify themselves and then being asked by the increasingly smug 'facilitator' if those expectations had been met to which the answer was 'yes', hence the increasing smugness of said 'facilitator'.

Then my envelope was opened.

The legend 'I'm expecting a lot of buzzwords, playground level psychobabble, my intelligence to be insulted and to actually prefer to have spent the day at work doing something useful' was read out.

Cue stunned silence, before the reply came 'Well, I hope I've NOT met those expectations'.

Another silence with whole room expecting me to be contrite and say 'oh yes, I'm a much better person for being here and promise never to be so cynical ever again'.
My actual reply was 'You've more than met them and what's more I want to know how to set myself up in your trade becuase I reckon I could have put this course on for fifty quid in the pub and done in half the time' and waltzed out feeling like a job well done.

Mind you I've not been allowed to go on any courses again since then..

PS sorry about length.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 12:20, Reply)

Silly Dorris's...
I remember one time seeing some nice girls down the pub after a few too many brews...I thought I'd go and talk to one of them.

They thought they were good because they know the lame comebacks to my chat ups...but that ain't the end of it...

I go the first girl as her 2 other friends are talking to each other, she's stairing into space.

Me: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Me: Probably because you will be on your knees gobblin' on my cock.

She left with shock almighty on her face throwing an empty glass of half and ice cube on me...fair enough, didn't get wet at all...

I turn to her friend who is now wondering what's the hell is going on...

Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Me: So that's how you got that little moustache.

I think it was the cue for me to leave...

cheers
( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 17:28, Reply)

Also,
An old graphic designer mate asked if I had an aspirin

Me: "Why, have you got a headache?"

Him: "No, I'm hungry.
( isthisyou?, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 14:27, Reply)

Difficult to explain in text - North vs South comeback
Here goes:

As I grew up in the North I pronounce certain things differently. Certain pedants/enforcers of "Queen's English" don't like this.

Common examples are - BATH, PATH, DANCE, GRASS

Which in the South are pronounced with a long vowel. e.g. Baa-TH (like a sheep "baa") or Paa-TH. In the North the vowel sound is short, so PATH has the same "A" sound as "PAT".

Anyway if you are still awake, it goes like this:

Southerner: "Learn to speak properly, it's Daa-NCE not DANCE or Paa-TH not PATH."

Northerner: "Shut up you Twaa-T"
(garfi3ld, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 15:00, Reply)

Physical comeback
I was on an empty bus, going a couple of stops. I'm sat in the "please give up your seat for disabled or elderly people" bit, with a big heavy bag full of my evil plans.

Two perfectly spritely old gimmers get on and sit in the seat behind me and start slagging me off for it, "No respect" etc. etc. despite the bus being empty and my being there not inconveniencing their little old lives in the slightest.

So, I get to my stop, turned round and scowled at them and then proceeded to get off the bus dragging my leg behind me in the manner of a disabled type. That shut the old bints up. I kept it up all the way down the road, for authenticity.
( SpunkyBackpack, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 13:02, Reply)

long hair
old conservative type: I can't tell if you're a man or a woman with all that long hair
me: why don't you suck my cock and find out?
(globalloon, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 0:43, Reply)

This bloke looked at me funny

So I stabbed him
( wayward., Thu 29 Apr 2004, 19:50, Reply)

Buying a packet of skins and handingthe guy a tenner,
he asked "Have you got anything smaller?" I said "I've got a penny|. He said "That's too small". I said "That's why i gave you a tenner".
( pxyzyzygy, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 14:54, Reply)

Oh this takes me back.......
Went out for a "quiet" meal with my wife one evening to a little restaurant. It was royally spoiled by some loud monied twunt, who basically thought everyone wanted to hear what he was saying. Every other word he shouted was some form of expletive, and every other sentence was about how wonderful he was.

By the end of the main course I was well hacked off with him and I went to the bar (which was right next to his table) to order another drink. He chose this moment to exclaim loudly that he ran a company that employed 500 people.

I turned to him and said fairly loudly myself "Really, and I bet they all think you're a twat like everyone in here does".

I got a round of applause and he shut up after that.




Also when at school many many moons ago, I got thrown out of a Home Ec class due to asking the teacher "Should we eat it or bury it?" with regards to the vegetarian lasagne she had just made. Also for following that question later by when she asked what would really finish it off replying "Coffin lid".
( repooc, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 19:36, Reply)

Taxi bastard and my all time favourite
I was trying to flag down a taxi after a night out with my girlfriend. We only live a couple of miles from town but at this point my girlfriend had her ankle in plaster and couldn't manage the walk home. Having stood just short of the main traffic lights (the best place to get one as they have to slow down/stop anyway) for five minutes we finally got one to stop. This fat, greasy f**ker leans over, winds down the passenger window and asks us where we're going. I tell him and he snorts "You can walk there you lazy f**kers. F**k off!" and screeches off. However, in the time it's taken him to fire off his witty insult the lights have changed so I just stroll casually down to where he's stopped at the lights, whip the old boy out and piss all over his car. I even managed to get some through the still-open passenger window and over him as he hurriedly wound it up.

My favourite though is Paul Calf misquoting the "You've got shit on your shoes and I'm the shoe-shine boy" line from 'Missing In Action 2' when he gets into a fight after someone accuses him of being drunk. He staggers up to them and, right into their face, drunkenly delivers "You've got shitty shoes on yer shitty-shoed bastard!"
(R. Jimlad twitter.com/sirmarkymark, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 17:14, Reply)

Ah there are many...
I can't take credit for this but I still wee myself laughing whenever I think about it.

We'd just started Art College and like most 18 year olds a lot of us were trying to act older & 'wiser' than we actually were. One guy took the biscuit though, every story someone told he'd done something much more amazing/impressive - this attitude was compounded by him being a truley terrible liar.

One night my friend was talking about how his condom had split whilst shagging his ex and the harrowing day that followed getting the Morning After pill. To which this little shit machine piped up

"Don't even joke about that shit man. When I was 12 I got my 19 year old girlfriend pregnant"

Needless to say we all pissed ourselves at the prospect of him ever having a girlfriend, let alone one of 19 at 12. He stood up and getting angry shouted

"Hey! I had to get her an abortion!"

to which my flatmate quickly replied

"What? Abortion of chips?"

I have never laughed so much in my life.
( moonjam, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 21:10, Reply)

Drunk and Disorderly on the M1
A good mate of mine got in a complete state whilst at uni. and found himself wandering down the side of the M1 in the early hours with a pint glass in hand. Of course the old bill turned up and asked:

"Why shouldn't we arrest you for being drunk and disorderly ?"

- "Er.. because I'm only being drunk and lost"
Cheeky swine managed to get a lift home too.
(DrGonzo, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 15:57, Reply)

I was on my way to the town for drinkies one day
when this chav/charver lass shouted "HOW! ARE YEEE GAY?"* to which I responded "If all women looked like you I'd seriously consider it"



*Translation: "OI, ARE YOU GAY"
( fassit is old, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 15:10, Reply)

Plebs on the bus
A mate was on a packed bus heading home after a gruelling day's work. Also on there were three generations of chavs - a grandmother, her daughter and the daughter's 3-yr-old daughter. The child/antichrist was running up and down the bus screaming and treading on people's toes. The grandmother grabbed hold of her and told her to keep quiet to which the little dear replied "fuck off" and carried on screaming.

At this point the driver gets up and decides to chuck Ilkeston's answer to the Waltons off the bus. The woman went off on one and said she was staying.

The rest of the passengers had by now had enough and one bloke got up and told the woman to do everyone a favour and fuck off.

Woman: How dare you use language like that to me?
Passenger: Sorry love. I'd never heard the phrase till your charming daughter said it"

She got off the bus. The bus cheered.
( Sausagegirl, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 15:11, Reply)

Not me but my Mate..
He was once having an argument with a girl who was in our room at the time (school trip to berlin)

she said:"yeh nice comeback..."
He said:"if I wanted my cum back I'd whipe it off your face"

That shut her up :D

Ahh kermandy how I miss ye.
(Shifty Bloke, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 15:52, Reply)

At dinner in college once
I was having customary trouble articulating a joke. My friend commented, 'Keep trying, you'll make a joke'. I remain very proud of my lightning-fast retort: 'What, like your parents did?'
(DoctorJ last upset some twat who doesn't like swearing on, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 15:37, Reply)

I am absolutely rubbish as quick, witty comebacks.
I guarantee I will think of the perfect thing to say abut two days after this particular question of the week is closed.
( Mystery_Bob, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 14:51, Reply)

On sharing a can of coke with a friend
I'm driving the car and he's in the passnger seat.

AT the traffic lights, I had had a big mouthful of coke and he was hinting that it was his turn.

He gets the can and starts wiping the top around the hole with a hanky.

"What are you doing?" I ask.
"I'm wiping the top so I don't get any of your germs," he replies.
"I haven't got aids you know," I respond
He takes a big mouthful and shrugs his shoulders.
"But I did just give a dog a blow job," I add.

Cue vast amounts of coke being sprayed onto windscreen.
( groovegenerator The man who mistook his wife for his wife, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 11:15, Reply)

Running Late for Work
Boss: You should have been here half an hour ago!

Me: Why??? What HAPPENED???!!
( Strangey is present at, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 2:49, Reply)

Got one...
Not me, my brother, who, when he was 7, was a right cheeky git (and still is now, yaay.) and when this tough tall bloke says to him "Wat choo lookin' at?" he replied "I don't know, but it appears to be trying to communicate with me"
Cue dad running in and snatch him up before the guy could figure out what he said.
(Smitherz, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 20:09, Reply)