Ahem..
Speaking from my very own mouth, I can tell you that I’m quite the heterosexual man. I love women. I love their bodies. I love kissing women on their taste-full lips and tits and second pair of lips. I love making them feel special, I love making love to them and doing awful, unmentionable things to them that would make Casanova himself blush. I enjoy the occasional strip club and the attention I get from the “entertainers” for carrying cash.
Random play with a girl while both of us are in half drunk state at a party is always fun, and nothing beats the feeling of having the weight of the opposite sex on you. Also, like many of you, I constantly withdraw from the wank-bank birds I have an eye for. Well all this seems quite normal (I would assume), except…well…my inappropriate crush is this man:




Ajax from the Warriors (mind you, the character in the film not the actor himself). He’s so hot and such a bad ass. I wish I could “go faggot” with him…Ahem…well I’m trusting you with this secret so please refrain from clicking “I like this.” No really. Please stay away from that button.
(The Horizontal Monster Mash Mr. T Pitties Me, Fri 29 Sep 2006, 21:32, Reply)

My primary school english teacher.
I had a crush on her and sent her a love letter.......



... she sent it back with spelling corrections.

*sniffs*
( Signify, Fri 29 Sep 2006, 17:06, Reply)

she was only a grocer's daughter
1979. first year of high school, first year of the shiny new tory government, first year i can remember shining my gentleman's accessory...
ladies and gentleman i present - maggie thatcher.
it was so so wrong. my fervently socialist parents would have bust blood vessels on the spot, my trendy lefty liberal mates of teh now would abandon me en masse for admitting this, but;
there was just something about the armoured coiffure, the stilted voice, the aura of domination...i was a naughty boy and i needed correction. maggie knew what i wanted. i do believe the first time i ever spilt man milk was for dear dear margaret.
(bollox, not again, Sat 30 Sep 2006, 19:02, Reply)

Girl next door.
My crush not only makes me look like a "breast-obsessed stalker" but nearly got my legs broken.

Back when I was at 6th form, making me precisely the right age to have my hormones permanently set to turbo (like age matters), my next door neighbour's daughter was roughly 24. She was and still is a delightfully nubile and petite blonde with an immensely pleasing degree of pertness. I think it fair to say that I had something of a crush. On hot, sunny days, when she wasn't jetting around the world (she was an air hostess, no less), she liked nothing better than to sunbathe in the back garden. Topless. And so the story unfolds with an air of tired inevitability...

Their garden is completely overlooked by our house and you can imagine my excitement, having arrived home early one afternoon to find her draped over a sun lounger; somehow having lost most of her attire. In my excitement to race from the back bedroom to the hole in the garden fence to get a closer look, I tripped. This wouldn't have been such an issue if I hadn't been at the top of the stairs at the time. I gave it the full Superman to about halfway down, flying gracefully until I put out my hands to grab the banister and wall to stop myself. Unfortunately I was already falling with such pace that I got friction burns on my palms and automatically recoiled, meaning I fell almost the entire length of the staircase without slowing at all. I hit the floor with tremendous force, bending my legs under me in a way that would make a physiotherapist sweat. At first I couldn't feel anything, until I was suddently overcome by the single most intense sensation of pain I have ever experienced. I was certain something was broken. After dragging myself to the sofa and hauling myself onto it using only my arms, I laid waiting for roughly four hours until someone found me. Luckily, it later turned out to be just a very bad sprain but I can safely say it was far more painful than either of the two times I have broken a bone. The swelling and continuing pain prevented me from walking for a week and a half and I also had to make up some flimsy excuses for parents and tutors as to how it all happened.

The next time it was sunny, I walked downstairs.
( Nimble Colin camera-wrangling, globe-trotting whisky enthusiast, Thu 28 Sep 2006, 22:37, Reply)

From the teacher's side...
I had a rather un-nerving convo with an ex-student a couple of weeks ago. Went something on the lines of:
Liam: Hullo Miss
Me: Evening Liam, how's college going?
Liam: Great Miss. Would've been better if I'd passed my ICT though, then I wouldn't have to re-take.
Me: Ah well, never mind Liam. I did try my best in lessons but you just wouldn't get on. I did say you had to do some work.
Liam: It's your fault I failed Miss.
Me: Why's that then?
Liam: Coz everytime I saw you I wanted to put my head between your breasts and wiggle it about like a small bear.

Liam: It's true Miss and I'm not the only one. We loved ICT lessons especially when you were wearing a vest top

Liam: You still there Miss
Me: Wiggle it about like a small bear???

When mentioning convo to my closest buddy who says I'm like his big sis, he turns round and says "God yes, haven't you ever wanted to?". Have now taken to wearing a duffle coat in the classroom...
( PagDrag don't think we're in kansas anymore toto..., Thu 28 Sep 2006, 22:45, Reply)

A tree
Incidentally my crush also gave me my first ever erection. Probably not so strange but inappropriate as you will see.


Most young boys probably had some strange feelings towards She-Ra from He-man and I was no exception. However, it was not her Blonde hair, mini skirt or long boots that turned me on, oh no. I was sitting watching an episode with her in when she had some strange curse/spell placed on her. The lower half of her then turned into a tree, roots and all. For some reason this turned me on incredibly, this half woman/ half tree being on the screen in cartoon format gave me my first ever boner.

I've never felt the need to have sex with a tree since but maybe I should give it a go, maybe it'll be just as good as She-ra!
(BratislavaBanana, Wed 4 Oct 2006, 16:08, Reply)

Not me, but still funny
A mate of mine had a crush on the actor Arkie Whitely (various TV appearances but notably the Captain's Girl from Mad Max 2, google her and you'll immediately say "Oh right! Her!")and used to see her at various parties around Sydney for a few months.
At one such party, she was in the yard, he was standing just inside smoking some electric cabbage with some friends when she turned and to his utter amazement smiled at him.
He in turn smiled back (after doing one of those sly looks behind him to make sure there was nobody else there) and raised his glass in salute.
She smiled again and beckoned him over.
So he, never breaking eye contact, walked toward her... and straight off the unrailed first floor balcony he'd been standing on.
One trip to the hospital later he was out hobbling around on crutches with a broken leg And the best part? He'd imagined the whole exchange of glances and waves in his drug-addled state anyway. She really had been waving to someone else anyway and even missed the whole dive off the ledge.
( difficultchild, Fri 29 Sep 2006, 6:41, Reply)

Belly nuzzlin'
Miss Bedford - my Junior Kindergarten teacher. I had the, apparently, mandatory crush on her. But what made it a little pervy were my clairvoyant fantasies. I could see into the future. Y'see I was five years old, knew nothing about sex and my nuts still resided somwhere behind my lungs. But all I wanted to do to Miss Bedford was get naked and rub my belly against hers and I was a little worried that my willy would get in the way and get pinched.
I have since found out that ladies have a convenient receptacle in which to put your willy if you wish to do a bit of belly rubbing
(ring-finger is also a verb, Thu 28 Sep 2006, 16:15, Reply)

Penny's dog from Inspector Gadget


so, so sorry.

I'm not kidding.
( Dixipoos Bye Bye Blackbird, Thu 28 Sep 2006, 14:58, Reply)

When I was 14
I was madly in love with the poet Byron, who was inappropriately 186 years older than me. And dead too, of course.
Something to do with the whole mad, bad and dangerous to know thing.
(Superene, Wed 4 Oct 2006, 17:17, Reply)

...
Maxine Carr. And you know she'd be loyal.
(yiddo, Tue 3 Oct 2006, 13:34, Reply)

Something for the weekend ?
A whole squad of us at school used to get our hair cut at a local barbers due solely to the fact that a drop dead gorgeous, and let's not beat around the bush ; particularly buxom young lady worked there.

We sat in line waiting to be called over and once the nudge-nudge / embarrassment thing was out of the way we just sat in stunned silence as she cut away and if memory serves, straddled the chair to cut your fringe (at least that's what I remember officer).

It all went tits-up one afternoon when one of us was called up and dressed in one of those stupid nylon hair-cape thingies, proceeded to get his hair cut by our hairdresser girl.

After snipping away for a few minutes, she suddenly noticed some rythmic fumbling from under the nylon sheet thing and promptly whacked our pal on the back of the head with a hair brush whilst screaming all manner of insults regarding his perversion.

Best bit was, he was cleaning his glasses under the sheet.

Laughed ? I nearly farted.
(Compulsive1 Hello is that the Police ?, Thu 28 Sep 2006, 15:24, Reply)

I had a dream a couple of nights ago...

...where I'd organised an orgy.

The inappropriate part was that in the dream I wasn't having sex; I was stressing out running around trying to organise it (eg asking two girls if they could move to another room because that room had only guys in it).
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Tue 3 Oct 2006, 16:52, Reply)

Smile Carol
Carol Smillie.

Id fucking smash her back doors in like a screen door in a hurricane.

Then Id make her a sandwich and some Tea.
(hoogie Original Cunt Horse Author, Mon 2 Oct 2006, 17:20, Reply)

The Argos shower woman
She was always a mysterious presence behind the steamed up perspex of the shower cubicle, but she was definitely naked and her breasts were easily reconstructible if you squinted your eyes. Best of all, when mummy came into the room, you could hide your boner with the catalogue and just flip to the pages with digital watches.

But I cheated on her with the girl in the leotard sitting on the bench press in the gym pages. I carried HER picture in my wallet.
(frankspencer, Mon 2 Oct 2006, 9:39, Reply)

So I'm a freshman at University...
and have a huge crush on a girl living across the dorm hall from a friend. She's an upperclassman. Beautiful. Friday afternoons we can buy up items in the cafeteria in bulk to use up the cash on our weekly meal cards. So I'm on line with my friend and the object of my affections queues up behind me with her room mate. I'm thinking and thinking of something to say, my friend is encouraging me to do something ANYTHING. Now its my turn to place my order. "One case of Yoo-Hoo please." and then the sweet sound of her voice behind me in hushed tones to her friend "Yoo-Hoo? What a dork...."

If I had only ordered some TAB, maybe she would have seen me in a different light...
(Galapagos Tortise, Fri 29 Sep 2006, 14:04, Reply)

Don't stand so close to me ...
Like Kebabish, I too have experienced the lure of the teenage student while being their teacher.

There was a Greek girl called Maria (pneumatic, gorgeous) who would waltz into the classroom late and thrust her perfumed neck and cleavage at me with a, "Do you like my new perfume?" For a second I would be overcome with her scent and long to kiss that tender neck. She gave me pictures of herself in skintight clothing.

I left that town thanking Jesus that I hadn't done anything illegal. But a year later I returned for a visit and found Maria looking older and more beautiful (but still half my age). I had a drink with her and, as we talked, she moved closer and closer towards me so that my knee was wedged between her denim-sheathed legs. After a while she was fully impaled and rubbing herself unselfconsciously against my knee.

She would have. I wanted to. But I went back to my room and milked myself like a cow.
(frankspencer, Fri 29 Sep 2006, 13:58, Reply)

I've got a crush on a squirrel
but it's OK because it's not a normal squirrel, it's a squirrel with tits

*YIFF*
( wefbhweiufhweiu party, Fri 29 Sep 2006, 11:22, Reply)

My best mates mum
I was 13 when my best mate decided it would be a good idea to show me the slides he found in his mum's drawer of her in various poses of undress and with a large collection of 'tools'. He then showed my her femidom in the bathroom cabinet.

I have to shamefully admit to locking myself in the bathroom and having a wank over the femidom, manically picturing the slides in my head. The worst part about it, is that she was far from a MILF (she actually looked more like my mate).

It actually makes me feel a little sick thinking about it. But I was 13 and anything was good wank material in those days.

First post!

Length - Much bigger now than back then
(multimedia, Thu 28 Sep 2006, 12:30, Reply)

When I was a young
14 year old we had a young 21 year old PE teacher straight out of uni on teacher training. We were learning how to do hand stands and in groups of two, she came round to see how we were doing. My friend and I both struggled so she said she would do a handstand and I had to grab her legs to show how I could support my colleague. So, down on to her head and hands she went. Up went her legs, I grabbed them. Then suddenly down went her jumper to reveal lovely large 21 year old pert breasts!! She started to struggle but I manged to hold her legs long enough for me and my mate to get a good look!!

We loved her forever more after that!
(maddave, Thu 28 Sep 2006, 11:12, Reply)

I'm having one right now...
...thankfully, nobody will recognise me who might be able to guess the names.

I play World of Warcraft, and until recently, was unemployed and engaged. Both the engagement to the fat, paranoid, vindictive obnoxius cow that is my now ex-fiancee and my lack of job (and cash)were depressing me. The only respite I could find was in talking to my guild mates and other friends on WoW. We would quite often be chatting until 1-2 am, often later, both through text based chat and group VoIP applications. One night, my Guild Leader came online and was very upset - she'd had a row with her partner, and he'd told her that if they split he'd take her daughter away from her. We go chatting, and I calmed her down, and both went to bed feeling good that we'd chatted to someone about our problems who wasn't connected with them.
We started chatting on a more regular basis, and began talking about things that were very close to us, and began to chat about sex. I'm not 100% sure what happened, but a few days later I was on the phone to her, talking very dirty words to her while she frigged herself off down the phone, very vocally. Unfortunatly, we both have quite a big crush on each other now, and it's not one that we can let out - she is 33 (i'm 20, not really a problem though), she's been engaged to her partener for 9 years and has been with him for even longer, and they have an 8 year old daughter. I was going to call it off, and I will have to stop this soon before I destroy their relationship... but earlier today I found myself in the city of her residence (not taking the risk that someone will read this and guess), shagging her brains out in the back of her car. I am a bad man.
(Potty Jag har smör i min rumpspringa, Wed 4 Oct 2006, 21:45, Reply)

1...

... 2...
... 3...

... if you are female and not up a tree yet, I fancy you.
( bierbelly, Wed 4 Oct 2006, 13:43, Reply)

Blimey, yeah, Anneka Rice
I remember watching Treasure Hunt as a kid. The image of her panting, sweating, gasping that she was 'nearly there' illicited a similar response from me.
( Spunk Murphy Tchaikovsky is a synonym for fanny, apparently, Thu 28 Sep 2006, 16:31, Reply)

Labyrinth
I first watched The Labyrinth when I was about 8. I can still remember being besotted with Sarah in her baggy white blouse and tight jeans.

Near the beginning of her journey, she's walking down the walled corridor (where she meets the worm, and just before she meets Hoggle). And then some upbeat music starts and as if she were an angel, she starts to run.

Her dark hair flowing behind her, her little brown plimsoles. The breasticulars!!. Oh, the breasticulars under her loose white shirt were clearly not supported by anything as inhibiting as a brassiere. I used to imagine them under there, jigging up and down, occasionally the nipples being stroked by her flowing blouse, and her getting turned on by it a little bit. I was in love.

Shortly after this display of shear wonderfulness, she meets Hoggle. The ugly dwarf thing, and he's fumigating what could only be described by his mannerisms and general mood, as a garden pest.

But oh no. I was in heaven. Sarah, with her delicate hands, picks up one of the pests.

It's a fairy. A fucking hot fairy. It's now sitting in Sarah's hand. My first encounter of lesbian action! The fairy had sparkly cute wings with a little, lace, low-cut mini dress and bare feet.

I've watched The Labyrinth over and over again during my 23 years of life and I can still manage to deplete a box of Kleenex on the strength of it.


No apologies for length.

I'm off. To watch The Labyrinth

Share my Labyrinth love:

Sarah

Fairy
( Fork Has lost his bash virginity!, Thu 28 Sep 2006, 16:01, Reply)

This Morning
Several grapes fell out of my fridge and onto the floor so i stamped on them.

I guess that was another inappropriate crush.
( MagicallyInept Bored Sig., Thu 28 Sep 2006, 12:37, Reply)

I was performing an act of mutual oral gratification
and my lady friend told me to be less noisy so I didn't wake up her housemates.

Staring into her recently-shaved lady bits, I replied

"All right cunt-stubble, I'll cum quietly".
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Wed 4 Oct 2006, 13:35, Reply)

Condoleezza Rice
I've had a major crush on her ever since having a wet dream about her a couple of years back.
I've had a number of dream tristes with her since then. They always end up with wild, steamy sex. She's very willing and adventurous.

I know she's evil. That's part of the appeal.
( 100% Cock Raw like carrots., Mon 2 Oct 2006, 15:26, Reply)

oh god oh god oh god
from the ages of 13 - 18 i was in LOVE with my history teacher. an odd choice for a teenage crush, as he was nice looking and very funny, but in his 30s with dodgy clothes and a bald patch.

anyway, the entire school knew about it, and he knew about it, and it kept coming up in horrendous situations. for instance, the time the entire bus was singing "rachelswipe and mr x sitting in a tree" for what felt like the ENTIRE way to wales. or when he was asked by my so-called friends to pose for topless photos for me on a school trip (that i wasn't even on!). or when the arch bitch who taught me latin rang my father to tell him it was distracting me from my latin (wtf?! sneaking out at lunchtime for boozing and fags distracted me from latin, not to mention its unutterable dullness. no wonder they all died. did she think i sat there, chin in hand, making googly eyes at the trees and dreaming about him?!) and i should be moved into a different history set. i will never forget the soul searing embarrassment of being bollocked for poor attention in latin and then leaving the room to hear my dad say to my mum: "and what about this history teacher she thinks she's courting".....

it was 5 years of butterflies, swooning and scarlet faced cringing.

anyway, he totally formed the kind of man i find attractive now and although it was just a crush i'm too old and cynical now to feel like that again - that pure undiluted excitement of lusting after someone so perfect and unattainable was quite nice in a way. so i smile about him very occasionally (like once a year).

then, a couple of weeks ago, and ten years after leaving school, i idly googled him, not expecting to find anything.

and there he was... or a message in the guestbook from him anyway... gracing the pages of... A BLOODY GAY SWIM MEET!!! FOR GOD'S SAKE!!!!!!!!!!! how much was i the butt (see what i did there) of the staffroom jokes. bah!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 2 Oct 2006, 11:30, Reply)

Off the cliff, as it were...
I had a female acquaintance who seemed to be of the "mitosis rather than sex" variety, a displaced Victorian. She invited myself and my better half to her house one day, wanting our opinion on Cliff Richard's musical "Heathcliff". Being Bronte affacionados, we accepted... After all, how bad could it be? Don't answer that.

After showing us about 60 pictures from the special trip to England and Bronteland for the opening night of the show, she showed us her bedroom (she was 34 years old at the time).

Every, and I mean EVERY square centimetre of space was covered by posters, photos, calendars and LP covers of Cliff Richard. Even the ceiling! To top it all off, there was a 1/2 life-size cutout by the bed - she made it herself by tiling posters, or some such. It was like being enclosed in a suitcase upholstered with Cliff Richards photos.

When I commented, weakly, that she "must find him pretty hot, then" she replied that there was nothing sexual about it and that she admired his warm personality and musical skills.

Scarred me for life.
(pitt bull badger ...., Sun 1 Oct 2006, 4:51, Reply)

Youthful exuberance
As a mere slip of a toddler, I was utterly entanced by cars - at about two years old I could distinguish between a Morris Marina and a Vauxhall Viva simply by the shape of their door handles.

Now, we lived, being poor, in a block of flats in a run-down area of Leeds. The smell of cod-liver-oil suspended in malt still haunts my synapses and I still feel an involuntary shudder when I walk over trodden-down, smushed, cat-kins.

But next door to us, nigh on thirty years ago, there lived a ray of light - a young woman of some independent means - with blonde hair and, more importantly to this petrol-headed whippersnapper, a Triumph TR7.

I asked her to marry me. I thought - at that ever-so-undercooked age, where I couldn't sleep in my own room due to the Magic Roundabout light-shade, and the pecking geese under my bed - that we could be happy together.

I was delighted to hear that she said 'Yes' and advised me that she'd wait for me. That I should see her again when I had become a man, and that we would be together, me, the TR7 and her.

If we fast-forward a number of years, (I must have been about twenty-two or twenty-three), and my family had been involved in a long-running feud with another - and imagine my surprise when the mistress of the head of that be-nighted line turned out to be the self-same woman I had proposed to twenty or so years ago.

She approached me and reminded me of our pact.

That in itself would have been embarrassing enough, if it wasn't for the fact she'd turned into a wizened old scrotum. And she hadn't kept hold of the TR7 - she'd got some poncey, hair-dresser-esque Merc coupe instead.

I thanked the good lord above that I was able to use the fact she was grinding her bony hips upon my mortal enemy's tiny, diseased cockle as an excuse for reneging on my (everso kind) twenty-year-old offer.
(Chickenwire social lubricator extraordinaire, Sat 30 Sep 2006, 7:19, Reply)