Well.
I took A2 Latin a couple of years ago (tellingly I was the only candidate). I took the lit paper in one of the longest two hours of my life and was wondering why I finished an hour early when in all the practice papers I'd taken it had taken me the full 2 hours.

Turns out I should have turned the paper over and done the 60-mark question on the back. Of course I didn't know this till I got a U, missed out on my place at uni and had to go into Clearing.

Of course it all turned out for the best - I made a lot more friends than I thought possible and met some people who make me very happy (obligatory happy ending).
( Maladicta, Fri 5 Jan 2007, 16:41, Reply)

maths failure
I was doing a heavy statistics course as part of my science degree. It was damn hard, and I knew it was going to be my worst mark.

Fortunately, out of the 4 subjects you study, only your top 3 marks counted for that year. You still had to turn up for the exam, but I reckoned there was no point in bothering.

So, I completed question 1. a) part (i) to prove I had turned up, and left after the compulsory half hour.

Along with pretty much everyone else.

Now, our maths brains should have held us in our seats, realising the effect of normalisation if 70% of the people sitting the exam answer none of it.

For completing approximately 1/400th of the paper (and getting it right), I got a narrow failure. Turns out if I'd answered 1 a) (ii), I would have passed, and if I'd answered 1 a) (iii) I would have got a first.
(meepmeep is, Fri 5 Jan 2007, 16:36, Reply)

Driving test (and Humpty can get fucked :) )
My tester was an idiot.

Asked me to reverse park in a busy road, with parked cars on both sides. Someone who was an expert parker is going to cause traffic disruption here, and i'm (still) shit at parking.

Right, nervous. Pull up next to the car in front of the space and, ineveitibly, a coloumn of cars and white vans and taxis come the other way to find me blocking the road. I hesitate - there is a little layby thing just in front of me, I could get out everyones way and then do it.

I pause, wondering if I should move over.

'Carry on' says the tester, gesturing.

So I pull over into the layby.

Tester goes completely mental, yelling and jumping up and down, 'what are you doing, I told you to carry on, not go into a layby'.

Really, it was a bit embarrasing.

I explained that his instruction was ambigous and I'd misunderstood, but nah. Failed me.

So I wrote to the test centre and complained about the unprofessionalisim of the tester and his behanviour.

I got a letter back saying that my letter had really upset the tester in question, and he was really quite hurt by my comments and that I should really consider people feelings before writing such letters.

Apparently driving testers are like little delicate flowers.
(inflateable, Fri 5 Jan 2007, 16:31, Reply)

O-Levels
My year was the last to sit difficult exams at 16, as opposed to today's "everyone's a winner" system, and I sat 10 O-Levels. Like the smartarse I am, I got 5 A's and 4 B's, and one U (Ungraded) in Music. The great thing about a U is it doesn't show on your certificate. Moral - if you think you're gonna fail, make sure you totally balls it up.
(lolwhites, Fri 5 Jan 2007, 16:31, Reply)

Suicide
I tried to hang myself with a rope from a coathook, which then tore off the wall.

I also tried to jump off a cliff at my local beach, forgetting that I was at the only point on the cliff where there's a little ledge about 10 feet down. I really hurt my ankle.

I tried to drink bleach and just threw it up. Tried to take an overdose of paracetamol but they'd only sell me 16, which made me sleepy.

Oh and tried to stab myself through the heart but apparently kitchen devil bread knives aren't the best choice as it just broke.

Ooh I sound a bit emo don't I?
( IFallDownALotThud, Fri 5 Jan 2007, 16:25, Reply)

i failed
to get a high powered IT job.. so i can boast on QOTW.
(JLB8, Fri 5 Jan 2007, 16:11, Reply)

I failed
to remember my anniversary with my girlfriend. We had just gone to the gym together, and I was out of the changing rooms first, so I told the front desk to tell her to wait, and ran off the road to get flowers from the most annoyingly slow people ever. After about 3 minutes of dancing from foot to foot, I dashed back down the road, getting some odd looks, and arrived, red faced and even more sweaty, in the gym entrance. I think the staff were mildly impressed by my dedication, but hardly overcome with the romanticism of a sweaty man in jogging bottoms and a grotty t-shirt presenting flowers to a slightly less sweaty girl in tiny shorts and a hoody.
(LickOutTheJamsMotherfuckers!, Fri 5 Jan 2007, 16:11, Reply)

I've failed...
At everything. My life is a sham. STOP FUCKING LOOKING AT ME!!! Is this what you all wanted??? All of you??? BASTARDS!!!! I try my fucknig hardest and it never, ever works. Nothing can ever go right, just ONCE can it!!??!?!

AAAAAAAARGHGGHGHG!!!!
( Sonic James Doom forgetting the date since... umm..., Fri 5 Jan 2007, 16:06, Reply)

failed what?
i fail to answer questions properly, and fail to be tolerant to those who don't answer mine.

Bah. Grrr. and Nyeeeeah.
( bazza van der trance , ooh baby baby, baby baby. Get up on this., Fri 5 Jan 2007, 16:03, Reply)

driving test
failed for being to hesitant at a roundabout.

that examiner was an utter cuntard and so is everyone who works for the DVLA.

i'm still angry about it.
( monstrinho do biscoito teeeshurts = www.nogunarmy.com, Fri 5 Jan 2007, 15:57, Reply)

A bit grim
Tried to commit suicide when I was fourteen (the usual reasons, parents were crap bollocks bollocks bollocks) stood up on a stool, tied my school tie round the light and jumped. Landed on the floor with my Moody arsenal lampshade hanging around my neck.

Still, you gotta laugh innit.
(The_Greyhound wrote www.luckymcdanger.blog.co.uk on, Fri 5 Jan 2007, 15:57, Reply)

Religious studies GCSE
Had got quite a good average for my coursework and only had the exam left to do. A few vodkas in the park beforehand and in I go. Managed to go from B to F#. F#! They made up a whole new grade for my shiteness.
(The_Greyhound wrote www.luckymcdanger.blog.co.uk on, Fri 5 Jan 2007, 15:54, Reply)

new year's resolution
...I imagine this is going to be a common one. my resolution was to stop drinking for at least the first week of january - I managed new year's day, but only cos Mr Hangover and Miss Comedown started a whirlwind romance up and down the length of my body and brain leaving me crying and bedridden. on the first proper day of my planned sobriety I managed to be up til 2 am drinking wine and doing teh dr*gs and watching neil young dvds...and then had to go to work the day after. to be honest, if I'm going to fail to keep a new year's resolution then I'm glad I'm doing it in style :D
( yes yes yes man oi mate, someone's writtten 'bum' on your neck, Fri 5 Jan 2007, 15:53, Reply)

When I was at Uni
I failed at two things; losing my virginity and getting drunk.

I'd already done both before I got there.
(><(((">, Fri 5 Jan 2007, 15:50, Reply)

They all speak English anyway
Not me failing (although I'm sure there are more than a few occasions when I have, I've just managed to block them out) - this story is about one of my ex-pupils in a French class I co-taught whilst desperately looking for another job in which I wouldn't have chairs thrown at me with worrying frequency.

In the pupil's French oral exam, he managed to get 0%. He did this by instead of answering any of the questions in French, answering them in English with a really bad French accent.

Teacher: Bonjour
Pupil: Ello
Teacher: Comment allez-vous?
Pupil: A sandweech and a can of coke
Teacher (slowly and trying not to laugh as this is being recorded to be sent to the exam board): Où habites-tu?
Pupil: I like to go sweeming and also going eento town with my freeends

etc, etc...

The good news is I escaped, have a lovely new job not as a teacher, and no longer have chairs thrown at me (very often anyway).
( hanabanana, Fri 5 Jan 2007, 15:34, Reply)

Joan Of Arc
I tied a friend to a tree once and tried to set fire to him. It was 2am, and I'd drunk copiously all night.

Unfortunately (fortunately?), the matches kept going out as I threw them at him.

So I failed to burn a friend at the stake.
(Steve The Monkey, Fri 5 Jan 2007, 15:32, Reply)

not many people can say this:

I've failed at having a cat.

I bought a cat from the Cat Protection Society, took it home, it ran and hid. I had a nap, and when I woke up I couldn't find it. I thought it must've gotten out of the house somehow, so I left the back door open. I was in my room when it appeared from under my bookshelf and bolted out the door. To add insult to injury it didn't exactly run away: it lived under the house and in the backyard, but did the 'crap hiding' thing cats do (crouching down behind a single blade of grass) whenever it saw me.

Then I bought a kitten, which now lives behind the stove, under the sink, or anywhere it can hide from me. I call this one Heidi.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 5 Jan 2007, 15:20, Reply)

Maths
i was very good at maths once upon a time. i did my GCSE a year early, and got A* grade. Then i got a series of shockingly bad teachers, so bad that the next year i ended up with an E for my first AS unit, then a D for the next then a U. Then i dropped it
(biggiantmat, Fri 5 Jan 2007, 15:13, Reply)

Failure schmailure
When I was young, our school careers teacher took a load of us to the nearby Taylor Woodrow head offices where we were to sit a computer aptitude test. This wasn't done on a computer as they were still the size of wardrobes back then, no it was a paper excercise consisting of multichoice answers. I did the best I could but failed miserably. At this point I lost all interest in computing as apparently I didn't have an aptitude for them and therefore shouldn't waste my time with them. 25 years later and I am a highly paid IT analyst in a bank, and earn loads of wedge.

I shit on you Taylor Woodrow Aptitude test!!

I'm still not that interested in computers except for their ability to allow me to view copious amounts of teh pr0n. fwap fwap fwap....
(urgle-splurgle molesting small goats since, Fri 5 Jan 2007, 15:11, Reply)

Dead funny
Failed to stop my best mate killing himself on xmas, which in turn meant I failed to enjoy the festive period. Cheers Paul you twunt.....RIP

I'll probably fail to hold it together at the funeral too.
(Humungus Fungus, Fri 5 Jan 2007, 15:11, Reply)

Project Management
I joined a fast expanding IT company (read web developers) as the project manager. This placed me on the small management team and I had to account for the work of the 15 developer/designers/SEO/QA etc staff.

Unfortunately the MD wanted half daily updates. They also wanted everything setup and managed in MS project 2000 (new at the time).

Now it should be plainly obvious that when you sell a website for say £3k which amounts to about 35 hours of company time and then divide that between sales, design, programming, QA etc that it's not much time at all! e.g. developers would have perhaps 3-4 hours to design 2 or 3 mockups for a site then fully develop the chosen one to a final design.

So now try asking a team of young IT peeps to update you TWICE A DAY as to how much time they've spent on each client.

Long story short, by the time you've entered into MS project and realised there is a problem it's too late. Pretty much every project ran over schedule for which I got the blame.

I claimed he was asking for an impractical level of time management by people who had now concept of their own time planning or the incentives to help the company. They went bust about 3 years after I left.
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Fri 5 Jan 2007, 14:56, Reply)

Maths 'Support' course
While doing and failing A level sciences at Brunel Tech in Bristol 1989/90 we had to take a course called 'Science Maths ' which was supposed to help us with advanced maths in physics chemistry and biology. However 2 things made that difficult for myself a) I am crap at maths having only scraped a C at GCSE and B) the teacher who took us (although a maths genius) couldn't speak english very well and couldn' teach maths- For example
ME- I don't understand this calculus stuff at all Help
HER-It's eashey just do that that that and that!!
ME- Eh?
HER-Right next subject....

We had to take the exam or were automatically failed at all our other exams- Guess what?
I got 8% must be my lowest result EVER!!!
(archstanton The gold is next to me....leave me be, Fri 5 Jan 2007, 14:51, Reply)

fail to understand
why i am getting the blame for anything, jtw and pjm are just troublecausers...

i was going to post about failing my own driving test (the best drivers pass second time) but humpty might shout again. so instead i'll say that my dad failed his motorbike test because the examiner stepped in front of the wrong bike and got his leg broken. having been carted off to hospital, there was noone left on the circuit to pass/fail my dad, who continued driving round in utter bewilderment for some time.....
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 5 Jan 2007, 14:44, Reply)

I failed...
to be first post...

EDIT: and to even be first with this joke... bugger.
( bierbelly, Fri 5 Jan 2007, 14:44, Reply)

Probably the best obstacle in the world
I contrived to fail my Restricted Access motorcycle test because of Carlsberg.

Not by getting pissed on the brew the night before, oh no. Not even during the test (which would've been impressive in itself).

While driving round with the examiner behind me I took a left hand bend too quickly and swung out into the opposite lane...in front of an oncoming Carlsberg lorry. Instead of slamming on the brakes and becoming an intricate hood ornament I calmly continued my lean and got back on the right side of the road. For some reason the guy looked awfully pale when he asked me to pull over and told me I'd failed!
(jamesthegill opens new tabs with his scroll wheel, Fri 5 Jan 2007, 14:43, Reply)

Failed to
keep my lunch down when I "discovered" swap.avi ... I don't think I'll ever be able to eat chocolate moose again :-(

Bugger length - volume is what everyone wants these days.
(Biff..., Fri 5 Jan 2007, 14:42, Reply)

All my STD tests have come back negative

( Fenris temporary Lazarus, Fri 5 Jan 2007, 14:40, Reply)

A batchelors Degree In Computer Science
I dont know what I was thinking. By the age of 18 I had had enough of studying, yet I went to Leeds Polytechnic (before it became a pretend University), and tried out a degree in computer science.
I messed about for 2 years, at the end of the 1st year almost got back into the swing of working again but met a girl in year 2 and it all went to pot.
I finished in 1993 having scraped enough marks together to get an HND.

Mind you since then I've sysadmin'd for a lot of blue chip corporations, I have CNE, and MCSE accreditations, and am about to start my own ICT firm, so maybe I didnt fail.

Bollocks.
(LunarJim, Fri 5 Jan 2007, 14:35, Reply)

Failed
I have shamefully failed to do any work in the past 3 days of working from home.

I lay the blame squarely at the door of rachelswipe.

I will get a telling off when I get back to work on Monday. Ugh.

Size? Yep, it's still there ;-)
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Fri 5 Jan 2007, 14:30, Reply)