Those people who think it is cool to ride their bikes bolt upright with their hands off the handlebars.
Let's just catapult the fuckers into one of the many ghost bikes that litter the streets of London town. Even if it does not kill them let's hope it neuters them.
(tonyhrx, Fri 23 Sep 2011, 14:37, 2 replies)

Anyone who is convicted of a crime...
Should have to listen to Rebecca Black, Friday and some Justin Beiber song for the duration of their sentence.

For particularly brutal crimes, you have to listen to both at the same time.
(anonymousreality tickled your fancy on, Fri 23 Sep 2011, 14:28, 1 reply)

Make it legal to physically attack supermarket self-service machines.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 23 Sep 2011, 14:23, 8 replies)

Compulsory Self-Service Checkout "Drivers" Licenses...
... so I no longer have to wait behind crowds of numbnuts who are "trying it out" for the first time and wouldn't know what a barcode looked like even if it was tattooed on their eyeballs
(stealthbanana, Fri 23 Sep 2011, 14:21, Reply)

Schoolfriends who are more successful than me should be banned
Until recently I was pretty happy with my success and career choice, gloating at the averageness of all my old chums as they bemoaned their pointless little jobs on Facebook.

I was content.

Until I read about a mate who became a Lynx pilot in the RAF and posted all the awesome photo's of his jaunts across the globe.

Damn that guy. Damn you Facebook. I'd ban it all.
( Airman Gabber Living life like a 70's BBC presenter, Fri 23 Sep 2011, 14:16, 7 replies)

I'd have comically excessive penalties
for something widely held to be mildly annoying.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 23 Sep 2011, 14:14, 2 replies)

Instead of firing Intercontinental ballistic missiles.....
fire 3 litre bottles of Zeppelin and ciggies at your enemies. Granted we'll kill an unlucky few here and there but civilian deaths will plummet and most of the enemy will turn into useless alcoholic bums and fight each other. Then invade with one stop shops and get them signed up so they can purchase more Zeppelin. Cheap, easy and no one gets hurt (badly).
(Peno Lives In a Coal Bunker, Fri 23 Sep 2011, 14:02, Reply)

The world would be a better place...
If paedophiles would take up a hobby like crochet or basket weaving instead of trying to roger children.
( BindiBaji, Fri 23 Sep 2011, 14:01, 4 replies)

Replace all speed bumps
with the Boost Pads from Mario Kart.
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Fri 23 Sep 2011, 14:00, 2 replies)

Education

Proper degrees in decent disciplines. All tuition is free - paid for by the government. Most students give a basic grant to help with living expenses - not enough to live on, you'll need a part-time job or have rich parents.

BUT - to get into university or polytechnic - you'll need some decent A levels or equivalent qualifications in subjects related to the degree you're going for.

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Fri 23 Sep 2011, 13:58, 12 replies)

Service
Problem: Too many unemployed people, too many other people with not enough time to do things in their life, like clean the house, cook, etc.

Solution: bring back servants and slavery.

Reducing the social services budget will mean the government can reduce taxes, and then I would happily pay to have someone cook, clean, serve food, and generally be menial. For the undeserving of society (define this how you will) slavery is the obvious option.
(Smale is stuffed, Fri 23 Sep 2011, 13:57, 1 reply)

Relish your farts

( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Fri 23 Sep 2011, 13:51, 6 replies)

make bendy buses...
...make a sound like an accordion every time they go round a corner.
( Ya What Skiddlyboop, Fri 23 Sep 2011, 13:42, 10 replies)

"You're worse than Hitler!"
Being a cyclist in London today probably makes me and my fellow two wheeled warriors the third least popular group on B3ta this week after the nonces and the politicians. I’m typing this during my lunch hour, sat fifteen feet away from my bright orange Marin mountain bike which is parked in the corner of my office right now. Here’s my take on things.

Red Light Jumping
There’s no fucking excuse for it. A red light is a red light. When I walk anywhere in London and use the crossings, I will scream at anyone on a bike who thinks the rules don’t apply to them. As cyclist, I’ve observed that the habitual RLJer is also usually the slowest individual on two wheels and you end up having to re-overtake them after they wobble past you when you’re stood stationary at the traffic lights. Yes, I have screamed at them too and on occasion have wedged my bike in such a way that the daft cunts can’t squeeze past oblivious to the rage in their wake.

Bendy Busses
Whoever it was who decided that London is an ideal place to drive a bendy bus is a complete and utter cunt. Transport for London seem to have an uncanny knack at finding the sociopathic elements of society and giving them a bus to drive. If you had eighteen metres of cuntbus pull away from a stop without indicating and attempt to force you sideways into oncoming traffic, you’d probably scream “You shitcunt!” at the murderous twunt of a driver too.

Fashion
Cycling gear is unflattering. We know this. However, some don’t realise that spending a fortune on Team Sky lycras and matching disco slippers makes them look an even bigger bellend. The rest of us mock them too.

Conversely, the foul-smelling dayglo jackets that some of us wear aren’t a fashion statement, they’re merely a means of alerting bendy bus drivers as to our presence. You wouldn’t subject your finest jacket to a ceaseless drenching of gritty, shitty, oily water directly from the road would you?

And if wearing a linen suit with flip flops isn’t already a crime, it bloody well ought to be, especially when it’s combined with a fixed gear, narrow handlebarred, ill handling monstrosity of a bicycle that’s so prevalent these days.

Lemmings
The act of clamping a mobile phone to your right ear does not endow you with some kind of force field, protecting you from traffic. Also, if you’re a pedestrian who believes this and steps into the road without looking to your right then expect the bloke on the mountain bike who’d just had to swerve to avoid you to shout bad things at you.

“You don’t pay road tax!”
Neither do you. You pay Vehicle Excise Duty based on your vehicle’s CO2 emissions. The Toyota Prius is a shit idea, but the owner of one doesn’t pay VED either. It also takes up a lot more space than I do on my bike. In all probability, the Alfa Romeo hatchback on my drive at home has a higher VED bracket that whatever you’re driving so as far as I’m concerned, that together with the PAYE deducted from my salary and the VAT I pay on my purchases also covers whatever wear and tear I’m causing the tarmac. It’s not my fault if the government spunks it all on nuclear submarines, expensive IT projects and bank bailouts instead of fixing the fucking potholes is it?

“You should have insurance for that!”
I have. I don’t want my transport nicked or damaged either.

“Get off the pavement!”
The small blue sign that you’ve failed to take note of means that half of this pavement is in fact a cycle lane. Yes it’s a shit idea, but it’s the only path we’ve got and cyclists don’t particularly enjoy having to pedal slowly behind a brain dead chavette aimlessly piloting a snotbrat occupied pushchair along our designated side of the pavement. To those cyclists who do insist on riding their bikes footpaths proper, I refer you to my Red Light Jumping paragraph. You cunts.

Boris Bikes
Here’s a great way to improve safety on the capitol’s roads, unleash 5,000 overweight and ill fitting bicycles on the general public who for the most part haven’t ridden a bike since they were twelve.

In reality, I rarely have an issue most days. I keep to the rules of the highway and try to remain assertive but courteous. There really is room for everyone – bendy busses excepted – provided that we all play by the rules and look out for one another. Just remember that next time you drive or walk in London, not everyone on a bicycle is a colossal twat.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 23 Sep 2011, 13:37, 59 replies)

Obviously wrong
1. Professional politicians
2. The agency theory of management
3. Richard Desmond's Northern & Shell porn mags

Problems:
1. They're identikit gobshites who have little or no real world experience and use 19th Century Oxford Union thinking to solve 21st Century problems, with predictable haphazard results.
2. It's supposed to align the interests of managers with those of shareholders, but since the vast majority of shares are owned by investment funds, which are managed by the same type of kleptocratic tossers that populate boardrooms, both investors and workers are shafted ragged by boardroom shysters who give each other vast pay packets and even vaster bonuses for doing the minimum required by their job description, then buggering off to the next cosy tenure before the corners they cut in the old one to make themselves look good enough to have been paid a bonus become visible.
3. Interwebs aside, all Northern & Shell pron for the last 25 years has been constructed from over-lavish premium rate phone ads and recycled 1980s photo sets of Charmaine Sinclair.

Solutions:

1. Require system of professional qualifications, licensing and regulation for anyone who wants to stand for election to anything so much as the committee of their local knitting circle. If you fiddle your expenses, favour those who've given you money, etc., you summarily lose your licence and your position regardless of any criminal or civil proceedings.
2. Pay bonuses based on performance now versus predicted performance 10 years ago. So you have to stay in a job for 10 years before you see a penny.
3. The only photography permitted in any Northern & Shell title, including Express Newspapers and OK magazine, are to be comprised of Richard Desmond and Martin Ellice being noshed off by flea-infested stray dogs. At gunpoint. Live footage of the same photoshoot to replace the entire output of every single Endemol production until that Bazalgette git gets the hint and retrains as a civil engineer like his useful ancestor.
( shinyshinyscalp less a man, more a way of life, Fri 23 Sep 2011, 13:37, Reply)

Get rid of B3ta
Or at least put in a "block" feature when I'm really, really supposed to be reading up on stuff for a very important meeting in... 29 minutes.
( MatJ LOOK, Fri 23 Sep 2011, 13:31, 6 replies)

dinner ladies. more of 'em.
when i was at primary school. two of my friends had a disagreement over something, i think it was that one had shot the other with his twig gun and he hadn't died, this resulted in a fight. We all gathered round, dinner lady comes over. Fun over? No "let them fight it out" said dinner lady. They did, and the matter was solved (he had been shot, but was tough so didn't die). we all went back to our own business. Do that in real life and we'd all be happy.
( Ya What Skiddlyboop, Fri 23 Sep 2011, 13:27, 3 replies)

All receipts to be printed on the same type and size of paper.
Jesus fecking Christ.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 23 Sep 2011, 13:03, 4 replies)

Space! SPAACE!
First of all, I would take every person who has had a no-win, no-fee payout from the NHS based on a spurious injury, liquidate their assets, sell their fillings and leave them naked and shivering in the street. Not the people who actually had scalpels left in 'em, or anything like that. Just the robbing tossers. Also, homeopaths, astrologers, faith-healers, self-help experts and crystal therapists.*

I would then take this money and build a proper space program. Not a European one. Not one of these 'Okay, poor cousin, you and your rinky-dink nation can hitch a ride on our mighty rockets, but first you've got to suck a little cock' NASA ridealongs. A British space agency. In honour of Msr. W. Ellis, we shall name it the Ministry of Space.

We shall take Tea to the stars. I confidently expect that any spacefaring race advanced enough to break the light barrier will be advanced enough to appreciate tea. We shall start a massive, tea-trading empire. I also foresee that the side-trade in chocolate hobnobs will be a viable concern.

We shall forge a new future for humanity, specifically the British portion of it, and we shall leave the Earth and its economic problems, its politicians and its mysteriously-vanishing socks behind. We shall have new, better socks. Space socks.

Involvment in the MoS will come with a strict screening program. Have you, in the course of a lifetime, voluntarily watched more than two hours of Jeremy Kyle? Then we're not taking you. The stars don't need you. Nor do they need Big Brother devotees, Hollyoaks afficianados or fans of other such braingruel.

I have seen the future, and it's a crotchety, snobby-but-in-a-polite-sort-of-way, cricket-playing space empire.

And of course, there will be sexy green dancing girls. Obviously.

*Traffic wardens and charity muggers will be literally liquidated and used as hydroponic growth medium.
(universalpsykopath loves what you've done with your hair., Fri 23 Sep 2011, 12:49, 9 replies)

supermarket / shop price billy bullshit
The inevitable

60p each or 2 for £1.30

Why do they do it ?

BANNED (forever)

and all that 99p bullshit too
(thats a fucking quid in anyones eyes what can you buy for 1p anyway
even penny sweets have gone up ffs)
(Cov Boy, Fri 23 Sep 2011, 12:48, Reply)

Any adult who dresses up their pet to be shot.
Repeatedly.

In the face.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 23 Sep 2011, 12:48, 10 replies)

Ban the Happy Birthday song, just fucking ban it
There is no occasion where its been sung and the result has not been, at the very least awkward, if not excruciatingly embarrassing.

If you're in a restaurant and another table starts singing it, everyone else has to join in, but only in a half arsed way. Then everyone except the guy's friends go quiet cos no-one knows their name. After which there's the very British discomfort with having interacted with total strangers for no real reason.

No-one ever wants to sing it, that's the trouble, especially in an office environment. But there's always absolute cunt who "just loves this kind of thing" and encourages otherwise normal, sober people to sing in public.

And unless you're the Queen, it pretty rare that people around you will song a song dedicated entirely to you. We're not used to it and don't know how to react, so you just sit there feeling the most self conscious you'll feel all year for no reason other than its traditional to make the birthday person feel like a twat for 35 seconds.

Grr, just give me presents, buy me drinks and fuck off.
( Sheriff John Bunnell https://twitter.com/thewonderfulgam, Fri 23 Sep 2011, 12:42, 6 replies)

Football
If any single player should feel aggrieved at another players actions during play, then they should be allowed to beat several shades of shit out of each other to resolve the issue without any major penalty. Much as they do in Ice Hockey.

I guarantee that it would put a stop to diving, intentional fouls and Ronaldo overnight but it would also be roughly a billion times more enjoyable.
( Muns, Fri 23 Sep 2011, 12:40, 6 replies)

Have we had the national service debate yet?
Should we bring back / bring in national service? And if so - in what form?

I can't say I'm in favour of the 'everyone spends 2 years in the military' model - if you want to get shot, it should be voluntary. However, some sort of discipline, physical training, structured giveback to society seems like it would be good for everyone. We often complain about the culture of entitlement / glamorisation of celebrity / me-me-me generation. Would a couple of years of being made to contribute to society help get rid of this?

What form could the national service take?
- Voluntary military service?
- Support of charities / social enterprises - in this country (e.g. raising funds or building walls/paths for the National Trust)
- Charity work overseas (e.g. building schools in Africa)

What sanctions should be taken if people refused to take part - removal of entitlement to benefits for 10 years/life, prison, expulsion from the country(!)?

After 3/6/12 months out of work, should you be automatically re-enrolled, so that you are providing some benefit to the country you live it?

If nothing else, it would equip every school leaver with basic work skills and some sense of purpose.

Debate, B3TA, debate!
( Fireflier La la la la, not listening on, Fri 23 Sep 2011, 12:38, 6 replies)

Everybody should just do as I bloody well say.
But should most certainly not do as I do.
(Woodlouse say it with flowers. Send her a Triffid, Fri 23 Sep 2011, 12:34, Reply)

Ban Brompton or any other "collapsable" bike on all trains into London
The train is fecking packed but your tossing bike takes up the room of one person and digs into my legs. There are Boris bikes outside every mainline station, so use them.

You knob headed, lycra wearing, bag of spew.
(Designated Slagger, Fri 23 Sep 2011, 12:31, 3 replies)

Child cage fighters
More of this sort of thing. They'll work for next to nothing as well, so it could be the new, cheap form of entertainment the nation needs to get us all through this period of economic misery.
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Fri 23 Sep 2011, 12:27, 7 replies)

Fighting in the office.
Instead of all this pansying about saying "solution opportunity" and "crossed wires leading to miscommunication", simply get up, go over and chin them.

Hardest person in the office gets to be MD.

It will be a woman.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 23 Sep 2011, 12:19, 8 replies)