"Clive, that's the plot of the new series of "24"
and I haven't seen it yet, so I don't want to be told how it ends.

What have you really been doing?"

"I chained myself to a lamppost, smeared my balls with dog food and...let nature take its course..."
(LongJohnBaldry, Sun 9 Aug 2009, 19:05, 2 replies)

Possibly an Urban Legend or just something every NHS casualty employee has seen. Either way it made me laugh.
Picture the scene.

It's about 10pm on pancake day in Birmingham's Dudley Road Hospital's casualty department.

A rather sheepish couple come to be treated. His injury is to his old chap. The injury being it hanging off on a thread.

Her injuries are a burnt head and a large cut to the back of her head.

After some in depth investigation it transpires that the gentleman of the couple had been preparing pancakes while his wife performed an act upon him.

During a poorly timed pancake toss the pancake lands right on his wife's head causing a nasty burn and making her clamp her jaw shut in shock.

The only way he can get her to release her vice like grip is to twat her round the back of the head with the frying pan.


My mum told me this story from "her" nursing days a few ears ago. I laughed so hard I thought I would spontaneously combust.
(kickstandrich last had sex with your mum/sister/wife/daughter on, Sun 9 Aug 2009, 18:14, 2 replies)

My brother...
Back when I lived with my parents, one night me and my brother were bored. He decided it'd be a laugh to put chocolate sauce on his nipples and get the dogs to lick it off. The little weirdo.

But then he had to take it one step further and put tabasco sauce on his arse for them to lick off. I tried to stop him, and he probably regretted it the second it dribbled into his arsehole. Aparently it burns. A lot.
(Little Miss Vivica, Sun 9 Aug 2009, 17:17, Reply)

What about the medical aspect?
Not to be a prude, but shouldn't all these tails of sugary foodstuffs being inserted in damp, dark and warm places come with a health warning?

I mean, it doesn't take much to feed a yeast infection...
(dxg, Sun 9 Aug 2009, 16:37, 2 replies)

Oranges with cloves
Got invited to a medieval feast by some medieval re-enactment friends - 12 courses, lots of mead, singing etc. all very good fun. Before the first course, we were told (warned?) about the oranges with cloves stuck in them that had been placed on the tables. The idea was to pass the orange with cloves in to the person you want a kiss from, they take a clove out, you get a kiss and the orange is passed on. An orange with just one clove left in it is an invitation to bed.
After a quick scan of the hall, I realised that 1) there were much fewer women than men, meaning I'd probably be in demand (whether I wanted to be or not) and 2) this being the medieval society, a nice big bushy beard seemed to be the order of the day.
Immediately after this, I got a surprise orange from one of my (thankfully un-bearded) friends and not knowing quite what to do in these sort of situations, ended up having an unintentional snog across the table. The guy sat next to me witnessed this, decided that I must be a bit easy (I can assure you that I'm not) and offered me an orange too. He went for the mouth, I directed him to the cheek, and he completely missed.
I felt very very sorry for him and offered him another chance. He got my cheek this time, and then thought he might try his luck with a girl he worked with and liked very much. I wished him well and he returned a minute later, still with the orange, saying that she'd refused. Said girl compounded the insult by coming over a bit later and explaining in a very patronising way that it wouldn't be right since they worked together and she didn't want to make things awkward.
Very unlucky guy.
Got a few more oranges during the rest of the feast, thankfully avoided getting caught up in anyone's beard, went home via friend's house carrying an enormous marzipan chess set. Good times.
( Peapod Has returned to the fold on, Sun 9 Aug 2009, 16:17, 9 replies)

The Sweet Spot
I was shocked to find out my girlfriend could fit all of the following in her mimsy:

1 orange
1 apple
15 grapes
4 strawberries
6 raspberries
A handful of blueberries
and 1 banana.

It was hard work to get it all in but it was worth it in the end, as we both enjoyed the fruits of her labia.
( Awesome Welles petitioning for foetuses to be rebranded 'wombles', Sun 9 Aug 2009, 15:43, 12 replies)

not me but...
a friend* from collge drunkly decided to tell my best mate that he used to lovingly please his ex by shoving a mars bar into her lady bits and then eat it out.

...my mate decided to tell me this lovely story as i take a bite out of the mars bar i just purchased.

haven't been able to have one since. thanks Andy (Y)

*i say friend, but he was just the guy constantly trying to get into my best mate's girlfriend's pants. He failed. So he decided to sleep with a 15 year old instead...but thats for another qotw
(hotfuzz, Sun 9 Aug 2009, 15:42, Reply)

in the food-based pornographic version of Star Wars
Darth Vader would demand to know where Princess Leia had hidden those flans.

Later, Harrison Ford makes love to a ham. Solo.

EDIT: As spimf points out, it'd still be better than The Phantom Menace.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sun 9 Aug 2009, 15:05, 1 reply)

This is a famous UL, although I first read it in Playboy in the mid 70s and believed it for years -
An American brags at a party about how high up he is the CIA and could get anyone here arrested or shot or just 'disappeared', etc.

Other partygoers appear suitably impressed and ply him with drinks. He passes out but gets home safely.

Over the next few days, he suffers from abdominal pains and eventually visits the doctor, who sends him for an X-ray.

Seems nobody believed his CIA story after all, as the X-ray shows a large cucumber, carefully jammed up where the sun don't shine.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Sun 9 Aug 2009, 13:15, Reply)

Just A Suggestion
So we can get some interesting stories may I point out the alcohol is a food? Indeed, people like me believe that alcohol is in fact the 5th food group.


So now can we have some stories involving alcohol and sex?Technically, it'll still be in the spirit (if you'll forgive the pun) of this QOTW.

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Sun 9 Aug 2009, 12:52, 2 replies)

With ingredients like this...
...Cocoa Butter (Theobroma cacao), Shea Butter (Butyrospermum parkii), Perfume, Avocado Butter (Persea gratissima), Mango Kernel Butter (Mangifera indica), Lime Oil (Citrus aurantifolia), Sweet Orange Oil (Citrus Aurantium dulcis), Mandarin Oil (Citrus nobilis), Grapefruit Oil (Citrus paradisi), Saffron (Crocus sativus)... I think it counts as food sex when any guy I've given a back massage to using the above ingredients, (handily prepared in a massage bar for ease of use) is then more than happy to do my bidding. Lush product sex for the win.

On the flip side, Ferrero rocher is just not a good idea. Under any circumstance. Ever.
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Sun 9 Aug 2009, 12:25, 2 replies)

Urban legend or fucking hilarious?
I haven't had a chance to read through all the other answers yet to see if this story has popped up, so all apologies if this has already been claimed to be true by somebody else, or been debunked as an urban legend...

Anyways, a girl I used to work with told me this story about one of her male friends from uni. He was traveling in South America somewhere and was getting quite friendly with some of the local ladies, possibly not being as careful as he should have been.
When he got back to Canada he started feeling a burning when he took a piss. Went to the doctors and got checked out for everything, and nothing came up. After a second round of tests, and a camera up a hole where no camera should ever go, a doctor came and asked discreetly if said bloke had engaged in anal sex with any women recently. The reason being that the burning sensation had been caused by a piece of partially digested jalopeno pepper lodged behind his foreskin..

I've been drinking most of the day, and I'm watching a movie. Sorry if what I just typed was complete gibberish. If I have a little more to drink I'll tell some stories about myself, or perhaps a nice pun.
(r0ach, Sun 9 Aug 2009, 12:22, 1 reply)

Mashed potato
Food and sex. But what to use? Cream is too sickly, honey too sticky. Baked beans end up making your lady look like she’s in a photo shoot out of Fiesta. With all this in mind I once made up a large saucepan of mashed potato and gravy for the sole purpose of flinging all over ourselves and fucking like monkeys in the resulting mess. Absolutely brilliant. Hot and savoury. Get to it.
(Man Worm, Sun 9 Aug 2009, 11:47, Reply)

That reminds me.
There was at my school a young girl of a rather loose persuasion, who tended to go for odd chavy blokes 4 or 5 years her senior. It's with one of these that the following took place.

This particular lad had a thing for food in lady-bits, so he used to regularly pop stuff up there and eat it out. All was well and good, until he one day put 13 jelly babies in and only got 12 out without telling her. Oops. But that's not the best bit. Or rather the worst bit.

At a later date, the young girl (not having learnt her lesson) let him use his absolute favourite food, which happened to be tinned tuna. They had their (doubly) fishy fun, and all was well and good.

Until a week or so later when she had to go to the doctors with abdominal cramps. The reason? Maggots. He'd only left a wodge of tuna up there to rot.
( jme, Sun 9 Aug 2009, 11:35, 6 replies)

Punctuation, is so important.


Aaubergine? It takes double-A batteries.

Edit: Caaarrot takes triple-A ones. Thanks ILYMMTTTP!
( Chum Gnomesky Nom Chompsky, Sun 9 Aug 2009, 10:33, 2 replies)

Carrot
If you must misuse a carrot anally then at least make sure it isn't fresh out of the fridge. Ow.
And if warming it up, don't use the microwave because thereafter the carrot will split at an unexpected moment, creating a sharpish ridge. Ow again.
(mudskipper, Sun 9 Aug 2009, 9:35, 1 reply)

Anchor UHT whipped cream
The stuff that comes in aerosol cans. A friend (no, really) had a girlfriend who was a bit of a salad-dodger. Eventually he had to dump her for financial reasons. This was because their favourite sex game involved spraying her with whipped cream and then licking it all off.

The trouble was, she was sufficiently large to be a two-canner.
(rogerzilla, Sun 9 Aug 2009, 8:02, 2 replies)

Ice cubes*
An ex mrs Lizard once tried to suck me off with ice cubes in her mouth.

A truly horrid experience that i wouldn't recommend to anyone as the freezing quality of ice is actually very painful on the exposed shaft and the sudden knee jerk spasm of the missus suddenly realising she has sensitive teeth can and will leave small nibble marks on your cock.

* Length - flacid and painful.
(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Sun 9 Aug 2009, 5:06, 4 replies)

Or rather not...
Me and my mate Dave were having few pints one evening and getting on rather well with a fetching pair of ladies.

Dave, a rather absent-minded chap at the best of times, managed to forget he was sitting on a bench, and leaned back, falling off and spilling an almost fall pint upon himself.

I found this very amusing. So amusing in fact, I managed to snort beer out my nose. And onto the chest of the lass sat opposite me.

Lets say neither of us got much further with those girls that evening.
(Soulman87, Sun 9 Aug 2009, 0:30, Reply)

Gunge?
Someone's probably posted about it already, but there's a whole class of people into this. It's called Wet And Messy (WAM) fetishism

WAM (wikipedia)

The common misconception is that it involves bodily fluids - it doesn't. They'd not be involved in any way.

It's more mainstream than you think too - think about mud wrestling or oil wrestling? That would definitely come under WAM. Someone who's into it finds it fun or arousing to get messy. Scenes usually involve custard pies, buckets of gunge, porridge, spray cream, syrup, mud, oatmeal, all kinds of fun stuff.

Now, back when I was a younger Cal, I was adventurous and always up for new things. It's how I discovered that BDSM rocks - I tried it once and liked it and my interest went from there. I discovered that I liked girls as well as guys - I tried it and liked it. And out of curiosity, I tried a scene with someone who was into WAM. It involved some slime, some custard pies, and some syrup. And it too got added to the long list of things I like.

It's quite probably one of the most 'innocent' kinks around. Yes, it can end with very messy naked people rutting like crazed weasels in a pool of slime. Think about it - you're both very very slippery and every touch is completely different. I've had a couple of sessions that have ended up this way myself.

But it can also just be a bit of completely platonic fun. Good clean fun, if you'll pardon the pun. One of the most enjoyable events I have ever attended in my life was best described as an organised food fight. You turned up, wearing clothes that you knew you weren't taking home with you. Custard pies were made up. Tins of beans and rice pudding were opened. Endless buckets of brightly coloured porridge, oatmeal, cornflour slime and natrasol (the stuff they use on TV) were mixed up. And then everyone just went for it in a big way, trying to mess everyone else up. Within about a minute of the signal to start, I was a complete mess - my face had been pied twice, I'd had an entire bucket of green slime poured over my head and some evil person had put syrup down the back of my shirt. And I could not stop grinning, nor could anyone else, the sheer silliness and childish fun of it just made me laugh. I couldn't help it. It's incredibly satisfying, taking a clean face... and then splatting it with a sloppy custard pie. And receiving the same in return.

Someone showed me a picture taken at the event a few days later. I know I was in it, because I remember roughly where I was standing at the time. But everyone was so utterly messed up... I couldn't actually tell which one was me.

It's harmless. It's silly. It's unusual, and it can run the whole range from pure hardcore fucking to just a good laugh.

Try it. You might like it.
(calamarain just invented dehydrated water, Sun 9 Aug 2009, 0:12, 12 replies)

Hmph, British people
What is this with the KitKat/Twixes? Is that all you people do with them? What's wrong with a Snickers or a nice salty Payday?

sheesh
(TDub Nunc id vides, nunc ne vides on, Sat 8 Aug 2009, 23:11, 6 replies)

Strawberries and cream
If you ever decide to get frisky using strawberries and squirty cream (classy bloke me) at you girlfriends Mum's house, in her front room on her sofa, then remember to make sure you clean it all off properly afterards.
Otherwise she will come back from holiday a week later and wonder what the strange gone-off-milk smell is that lingers for weeks.
(brocky, Sat 8 Aug 2009, 22:05, Reply)

Never straight from the fridge!
About a million years ago when I was young, freshly moved into my first ever place on my own and actually going out with the first girl daft/sympathetic/mentally impared enough to have sex with me I got my phobia about doughnuts!

One fun night she decided she wanted to hoopla the old fella with a doughnut, liberaly apply squirty canned cream and top with a glace cherry before in her words "making sure you never forget me as long as you live"

Well .....

All I can say is if you try this at home make sure you do not use squirty cream that has been in the fridge for a week and is verrryyy cold.

at the first touch of the icey cold squirty cream, poor Mr Johnson retreated in shock, transforming from the kind of granite babys arm holding an apple job that only teenagers or viagra freaks can achive, into a frightened little nubbin at an alarming rate of knots and could not be persuaded to come back out to play until morning.

She was right though, Every time I see a doughnut in Tescos I still think of her after almost 30 years!
( RadG Drinking Mojitos in the sun, Sat 8 Aug 2009, 15:08, 2 replies)

Space dust
Space dust blow jobs.

quite good for both giver and reciever.

Now run off down the shops to get some.
(Pill Popper Thank you Sasha Shulgin, Sat 8 Aug 2009, 14:10, Reply)

Never again...
...will I smear Creme Fraiche on any woman's breasts and lower portions and lick it off. She didn't enjoy it, I didn't particularly enjoy it. Too sour.

Honey was much better.
(ProfessorCutnybaws knows two chords now., Sat 8 Aug 2009, 13:48, 1 reply)

Oh no, why did I have to remember this?
I am somewhat of an insomniac. I used to wake up my ex at 4-in-the-morning to entertain myself, which usually resulted in sex, before he fell back to sleep and I had to go to college.

Well one day he thought that coating the outside of his cocksock in yoghurt would be genius and his plan was to lick it back out afterwards. All ok until he got bored of licking and decided to plunge back in, he finished rolled over and went to sleep.

I showered, Went to college pumped full of man fat and yoghurt I don't know how I didn't spot the mistake. Sitting in a lecture I felt it. Shit. The sticky mixture was coming back, the bastard. I left quietly to find a toilet but they were rebuilding, running now I went upstairs, through what felt like miles of corridors. Why did I wear a skirt? I finally got to the toilet, a little too late to save my undies but just in time to stop the salty concoction running down my legs.
I had to catch the bus covered in my ex's homemade yoghurt recipe and shame. pant's rolled up in bag. That was the most unerotic experience of food sex, ever. I dumped him not long after, but not before spraying the same mixture over his precious car. But that's another story.
(MissUnexpectedNuttering Mad to live, Mad to talk, and burn, burn, burn...., Sat 8 Aug 2009, 13:01, 3 replies)

Russell Howard on using food in the bedroom...
Because it turns out what I posted before was quite, quite wrong.

Vid here (relevance at around 6:15)

"I was 19, and I read in a magazine '59 ways to please your lady using food', so I went and bought, now this is a mistake, a four-pack of Rolo Yoghurt and rather than tell my then-girlfriend what I had planned, I pretty much waited for her like some hideous yoghurt goblin. I doubt there's anything more terrifying and yet pathetic than to come home and find your boyfriend naked, holding yoghurt. I panicked, I didn't just put a little bit on, I pretty much covered her. Every bit of skin I could find. By the time I'd finished, she looked a bit like Morph."

Moral of this story: food+sex=good. Smothering your girlfriend in Rolo yoghurt=very very bad.

(Thanks to iNsAn1tY for the link.)
(TuftyBee should have been working on, Sat 8 Aug 2009, 11:38, 1 reply)

Circus freak....
My ex once told me tales about a lovely *ahem* young lady *ahem* who did a turn at his best mate's stag.
Her turn basically involved shoving unfeasibly large stuff up her mimsy, for the amusement of the assembled throng.
Among the food stuffs that disappeared up her spam purse were apparently a whole can of coke, an orange (that shot back out like a cannonball) and a marrow.

The piece de resistance was a clingfilm-wrapped bloke's arm. Clingfilm is nearly a food item, yes?
( Sallyrsm, Sat 8 Aug 2009, 8:42, 4 replies)

Stephen King's "It"

I read, when I was 9, from richie tozier that if you rub your lil guy with a bar of soap you'd blow your load. Well the soap burned so I tried a block of cheese. The cheese felt so fuckin weird. To make things worse, I didn't wash it off and put it back in the fridge. I guess my family ate some penis cheese. I never did learn how to wank properly till I was 18. Now I feel weird telling you this. Sadly, I have another for another time.

Length? It was average for your sandwich.
(CactusZack Shaved his coin purse on, Sat 8 Aug 2009, 5:44, 5 replies)